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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27633455">Make Sense of the Madness</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/momentsintimex/pseuds/momentsintimex'>momentsintimex</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>13 Reasons Why (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Brotherly Bonding, F/M, Family Bonding, Family Dynamics, Family Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Major Character Injury, Not Canon Compliant, set in senior year</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-08 20:41:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>197,829</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27633455</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/momentsintimex/pseuds/momentsintimex</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Justin watches Seth watch him from his car across the street from Monet’s, or down the street from Liberty, memorizing the days he and Clay walk home from school instead of taking the Prius. He stares at him until Seth looks away, pulling down the street and back towards his old neighborhood. </p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Following Justin's declining of visitation with Amber after his adoption, he begins to think the coincidences of Seth showing up again mean something.</p>
<p>Seth doesn't like he or Amber taking no for an answer. He's willing to risk it all to set Justin straight, show him that he made the wrong decision after multiple chances to make it right.</p>
<p>Justin thought he was beginning to leave his old life in the past.</p>
<p>Clay didn't know how quickly he'd need to react to stop his life from being changed forever again.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Justin Foley &amp; Clay Jensen, Justin Foley &amp; The Jensens</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>201</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>119</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. there’s a trouble that won’t show its face</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In 17 years of life, there are certain memories that Clay doesn’t think will ever leave him.</p>
<p>The fever he had for four days at 8 years old, where he spent most of the time feeling like he was floating and the hushed conversations between his parents sounded like the teacher in Charlie Brown. He remembers his dad staying home with him, brushing his hand through his hair and pushing a cool washcloth across his forehead like clockwork, his parents relieved when his fever finally broke in the middle of the night after days of worry.</p>
<p>The broken leg he suffered in the fifth grade during a dare on the playground. Sometimes, when he looks at the monkey bars of the park in Evergreen, he can hear the kids in his class chanting, feel the pain radiate through his body as his leg buckled underneath him. He remembers the six weeks of crutches, the special treatment he received in school, and how much he wished to just be able to do something normal when everything was taken away from him.</p>
<p>The day Justin’s adoption was finalized. The judge’s smile as he announced his approval and signature. The families in the courtroom clapping. The way his dad pulled Justin against him, hugging him tightly and kissing the top of his head, or his mom pulling him against her chest, kissing his cheek and saying something softly to make him smile. He had plenty of happy memories with his parents, plenty of times where he thought it couldn’t get any better than what he was feeling right then, and then they experienced Justin’s adoption. It was unequivocally the best day of his life, a day he wishes he could relive forever for the both of them.</p>
<p>But maybe the memory he thinks will never stop replaying in his mind is the sound of Justin being tackled to the ground by Seth in broad daylight on their walk home from school, witnesses frantically calling 911 while he stands frozen on the sidewalk, watching his brother helplessly fight back.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>The first time Justin notices the car following him, he’s alone at work.</p>
<p>It’s quick and unnoticeable to anyone who doesn’t know his background, but it plays in his mind for the rest of the day.</p>
<p>Seth’s blue car parked across from Monet’s, one of his guys watching from the passenger seat as Justin buses tables and refills the creamer and napkins in front of the window.</p>
<p>He doesn’t really think anything of it. He doesn’t owe Seth anything, and after almost two years of living with the Jensens, he doesn’t believe Seth has any reason to be hanging around because he wants something.</p>
<p>So he keeps going about his days. He picks up more shifts at Monet’s, pocketing the money for something later instead of drugs. He helps Matt choose new recipes and makes them for dinner, sits and watches reality television with Lainie while making fun of her guilty pleasure shows she enjoys when she’s not devoting all of her free time working on the pile of cases he knows are sitting on the dining room table.</p>
<p>He watches <em>Star Wars</em> with Clay, asking too many questions and laughing when his brother gets annoyed that he’s not understanding. He asks him for help on his English essays and math packets, and pokes Clay’s nerves until he’s pushed to the brink, when Matt and Lainie step in and set both of them on their own paths.</p>
<p>He watches Seth watch him from his car across the street from Monet’s, or down the street from Liberty, memorizing the days he and Clay walk home from school instead of taking the Prius. He stares at him until Seth looks away, pulling down the street and back towards his old neighborhood, the life Justin had left behind.</p>
<p>He jots the instances down in his notes on his phone, keeping the occurrences to himself. There’s nothing he owes Seth, so there’s no reason to be worried.</p>
<p>His family doesn’t need to be concerned about something that won’t affect them.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>It was Clay’s idea to walk to and from school a few times a week. He spent an entire dinner talking about the benefits the two of them would get by walking to school, that it gave them a chance to get out in the fresh air and not worry about finding a spot in the parking lot.</p>
<p>Justin listened patiently, waiting for the perfect moment to step in.</p>
<p>“This is your most ridiculous idea yet,” he said, taking a bite of rice. “We have a perfectly good working car, and you want to walk to school? Which means we have to get up earlier, we have to get ready faster, and I can’t fall asleep in the passenger seat while you rush to get us there on time.”</p>
<p>Clay chews his dinner methodically, shrugging. “I just think it’d be good for us. And we use less gas, which means less to pay for.”</p>
<p>“Less for me to pay for,” Justin retorts. He reaches for his drink, looking back to his brother. “Ever since Ani started making you go to that environment club with her you’ve been making me do all these things. When will it end?”</p>
<p>“It won’t,” Clay smiles, standing up to refill his glass. “I’m doing our part to make the world a better place, and you’re being dragged along with me.”</p>
<p>“I, for one, think it’s a great idea,” Matt chimes in, smiling brightly at both of his boys. “Getting out and walking on nice days is a good thing to do. You’ll both benefit from this.”</p>
<p>Justin rolls his eyes. “I could just drive myself.”</p>
<p>“You could,” Lainie nods, taking a sip of her wine. “Or you could walk with your brother. At least give it a shot, even if you abandon him after a few weeks when he’s trying to do a good thing. Your call, love.”</p>
<p>In the year and eleven months since living with the Jensens, Justin had learned each of their mannerisms.</p>
<p>Clay was confrontational, often cornering him when he least expected it, pushing for an answer. Most of the time Justin obliged. If he thinks about it too long, he laughs. This guy who hated him two years ago is now his best friend, the only person he doesn’t keep secrets from. And while the confrontation aspect of their relationship is the one thing that hasn't changed, it’s the one thing Justin thinks he’s gotten used to and welcomes openly as a chance for someone to hold him accountable.</p>
<p>Matt has a much softer approach. He tends to observe before speaking, gather information before stating his opinion. In the beginning, Justin found that intimidating. He hadn’t had a father in his life, let alone a strong father figure, and Matt was the opposite of everything he had expected. He was attentive, calm, kind, and understanding. Justin had messed up so many times, given him so many reasons to resent him or motion to halt adoption proceedings or reverse the adoption once it was finalized, but he never did. Instead he worked through the issues with a calm attentiveness, pausing when he felt he didn’t have enough information to get all of the facts before they continued.</p>
<p>Lainie was everything he thought a mother should be. She cared so much, and certainly more than anyone has before. Over the last year he’s grown to trust her more than anyone else. She approached every situation he was involved in with a calm demeanor, a quiet promise that they would do anything they could to help him, but he had to be honest. So many people had told him that, made empty promises that were never followed through, but Lainie never did. If she didn’t have the utmost confidence that they could get him through whatever he was facing, she didn’t promise that she could. It’s what Justin liked the most. The stability, the honesty, the truth.</p>
<p>So he watches Lainie’s mannerisms throughout this conversation, the wry smile behind her wine glass, and knows that she’s being honest.</p>
<p>“I’ll give you two weeks. But when I complain about getting up early and leaving for school earlier than I wake up now, know that it’s entirely your fault.”</p>
<p>Clay isn’t phased by the threat, smiling proudly and nodding. “I’m happy to have you walk with me,” he says, which only makes Justin more annoyed, turning back to his dinner.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>Reluctantly, Justin got used to walking to school.</p>
<p>He ignored the glimmering hope in Clay’s eyes, the <em>I told you so</em> resting on his lips but never spoken out loud. Any smug remark was met with an eye roll from Justin, but Clay didn’t mind. He was just proud he got his brother to agree and not quit on him.</p>
<p>Justin doesn’t remember when he first started noticing Seth parked on the corner. His familiar blue car, arm hanging out the window as he watched from afar. Justin watched him, staring as they passed, Clay engrossed with a story about school. His eyes met Seth every day, staring at him as they passed the intersection, and then turned to face forward again.</p>
<p>Clay never notices.</p>
<p>He tries to block the instances that are becoming more frequent out of his mind, focusing on his life at the Jensens. He does his homework, goes to meetings, and unironically indulges in movie nights imposed by Matt and Lainie purely because it’s a lifestyle he’s never had before.</p>
<p>Seth never stops showing up at Monet’s. He still sits across the street as Justin makes drinks and buses tables, and after weeks of confusion and uncertainty, Justin begins his break by confronting Seth head on.</p>
<p>“What the fuck do you want?”</p>
<p>“Seems like you’re getting your life together,” Seth smirks, leaning back against the headrest. “New family, a job.”</p>
<p>Justin rolls his eyes. “That’s not why you’re here,” he says, crossing his arms over his chest. “You don’t give a fuck about how my life is now. So, what do you want?”</p>
<p>“Your mom misses you.”</p>
<p>“And? I’m willing to bet she doesn’t give a fuck about me,” he says. “And I paid you back for whatever you say I took from you.”</p>
<p>Seth’s fingers tap melodically against the steering wheel. “You have two weeks to come back and see her.”</p>
<p>“Or what?”</p>
<p>“You don’t want to know,” Seth says, pulling away before Justin has a chance to say anything else.</p>
<p>Justin watches Seth’s car tear down the street, turning back on his heels and crossing back, distracting his mind for the rest of his shift by practicing his foam art and making overly fancy lattes for the kids he vaguely recognizes from school.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>Justin’s adjustment to their family ebbed and flowed in a variety of different ways.</p>
<p>For the first few months, Lainie felt like she was trudging through quicksand. One large step forward with one foot often felt like being frozen in place with the other foot, waiting for the dam to break.</p>
<p>Trust became the overall goal, namely helping Justin understand that mistakes don’t banish him from the family. He was theirs, and no matter what he did or what kind of trouble he got himself into, they would always be there, and they would always love him.</p>
<p>It wasn’t a far-fetched thought, at least not in Justin’s mind. He understood it clearly, explaining it in his own words in the many family therapy sessions they sat through as ordered by Child and Family Services.</p>
<p>It was echoed in his mannerisms around Clay - the way he explicitly trusted his brother with confidential information, or surveying a situation. Lainie would watch with admiring eyes as Justin would lean close in a family setting, mumbling something quietly. Occasionally he was met with an eye roll or a smack on the arm from the older boy, but Clay always took the time to explain what was happening and how it was going to be handled. She imagines it’s the trust Justin always needed.</p>
<p>She would ask Clay sometimes about what it was that was said in those hushed conversations. But Clay would always dismiss her with a wave of his hand, shaking his head. “Justin’s never really had a stable family. He doesn’t understand movie nights or family dinners at restaurants. And sometimes he likes to know if these mean anything more than just going to get food or spending time together. He wants to know if you’re going to want anything from him in return,” he would explain, a blanket promise that he’s told Justin this is normal every single time following shortly after.</p>
<p>An even step forward in quicksand was Justin talking to her or Matt about concerns at football and his recently found sobriety when it seems some of the guys are using steroids or getting high after the games. A hug after a tough day and lapsed concentration, when he’s lashed out at the family because of things that weren’t serious. An admission of a less than favorable test score and a promise to do better next time (despite the fact that the test score was leaps and bounds better than they had been when Justin had first come to stay with them, and Matt and Lainie had secretly wanted to hang the test on the fridge proudly).</p>
<p>Sinking further into the quicksand was Justin’s anxiety peaking, resulting in prolonged panic attacks and uncontrollable apologies. Justin flinching when Matt would raise his voice or step towards him in a threatening manner - whether he meant it or not. It was the sleepless nights, the calling out sick from shifts just to cope with his emotions.</p>
<p>Drowning in quicksand was Justin’s admission that he got drunk and smoked weed at a party. That he met with the dealer who used to provide him heroin, but didn’t buy anything. The candid conversation of past abuse he’d endured both while under the care of his mother and during the period he was homeless. It was the borderline depression that plagued her son from time to time, rendering him unable to get out of bed and a faint promise that he just needed a day.</p>
<p>Those were the nights where sleep escaped Lainie. Long hours were spent on her laptop, researching coping and group meetings and how to help a boy who needed so much more than what she felt she could give. She would fake bathroom trips to check in on both of her boys with a special focus on Justin, who slept peacefully in his bed across from his brother. She’s dreading the moment she runs out of excuses to check in when the outhouse is completed in a few short months.</p>
<p>If Lainie were to adequately assess where the conversation they were about to have was going to fall, she thinks it’d be drowning. She’s spent a majority of the afternoon preparing for the outbursts or backlash she’ll receive from her youngest, who’s adoption had only been finalized just three months prior.</p>
<p>She invisions peaked anxiety, a slip back into a depressive episode, if warranted. She envisions Justin masking his feelings, hiding behind a smile and a nonchalant shrug that said much more than his words could.</p>
<p>She wishes she could wrap him up and protect him from the world, promises flying out of her mouth left and right just to make him feel safe. But in the year and a half Justin has been part of their family, she has never once promised something she wasn’t absolutely sure of. She wasn’t about to break that streak now.</p>
<p>Clay’s conversations about the impending senior traditions flow over dinner. Justin chimes in at times - even if just to protest that he is <em>not</em> staying at school any longer than needed to plan the prom theme - but Clay dominates, discussing clubs and the logistics of getting prom together, and how it really does feel like senior year is going to fly by despite it just starting a few weeks before.</p>
<p>“Ask Jess to help you,” Justin offers, pushing his fork through his peas. “She lives for that shit, and she’s class president. She’ll help you if you just ask.”</p>
<p>“She’s got that club, HO or whatever. I don’t think she’ll have time for this.”</p>
<p>Justin shrugs. “Suit yourself, but this is like what she’d live for. Taking back a school dance to enjoy for herself? What’s more Jess?”</p>
<p>Clay shrugs, swiftly changing the subjects to the robotics project he and Ani were working on, and Justin sinks back into being a passive observer of the conversation.</p>
<p>Some nights Lainie envisions the dinner table lively and full of conversation of all four of them. They had moments - like when Justin won his playoff football game the previous year, or when he and Clay planned to apply to the same college - but it was come and go, here and there for now.</p>
<p>“Justin, honey, there’s something Matt and I would like to talk to you about,” Lainie says when there’s a lull in the conversation. She looks between both of her sons, and then fixes her eyes on her youngest. “We received a call from your social worker today. Amber has filed a petition to the court to have contact with you.”</p>
<p>His fork stills on his plate, eyes gazing down. “What does that mean?”</p>
<p>“It means that Amber would like to be able to contact you without it being considered a crime,” Matt explains. “Because she was unable to be contacted through your adoption process, the courts signed a waiver that says that she is not to have contact with you without permission from a judge.”</p>
<p>“And she’s following the rules?”</p>
<p>Lainie gives a curt nod. “Not following the rules could result in a jail sentence. Which, I’m assuming for Amber, is not an option she would like to move forward with.”</p>
<p>“Because they could bust her for more when they go to charge her,” Justin assumes, leaning back in his chair as Lainie hums in agreement. “Okay, so what happens now?”</p>
<p>“Your mother and I have to be the ones to give the final decision,” Matt steps in, emphasizing your mother. <em>Your mother.</em> Lainie. Not Amber, who hasn’t been a mother in years. “While we know what we’d like to do, we’d like to know your thoughts.”</p>
<p>Justin sighs, eyes gazing back to his plate. “I don’t want to see her,” he says, pushing his meatloaf around. “I don’t want to live with her anymore, or have her have the ability to reverse the adoption.”</p>
<p>Lainie’s heart swells at the sentiment. “The adoption is final, Justin,” she promises, voice firm and non-argumentative. “Amber cannot petition the court to have it reversed on the grounds that she wasn’t present for the initial hearing. There is no argument that Amber would win in front of a judge that would make them want to pursue reversing the adoption.”</p>
<p>He pushes his fork into his mouth, chewing methodically. “Do you promise?”</p>
<p>Lainie softens. She imagines the first years of Justin’s life - disjointed, uncertain, no real love in the home - and wants to cry. She’d read his CPS file over and over until the images blurred in her brain and the pages filling the file floated around in her mind on a constant loop. She was acutely aware that in many forms, Justin had trust issues.</p>
<p>Even today, three months after the adoption became final and almost two years since he was first brought into their home, Lainie was reminding him of something that had been permanent all along.</p>
<p>With a gentle touch and kind eyes, Lainie reached over to rest her hand on Justin’s free hand. “I promise,” she whispers when Justin meets her gaze, his eyes brightening as he nods quickly. “Your father and I will move heaven and earth to keep you safe. But you are seventeen, and we both agree that you at least get a voice in this conversation.”</p>
<p>“If I say no?”</p>
<p>“Then it goes away,” Lainie says easily. “We’ll let your social worker know that we deny the request and we wouldn’t like to move forward. The only way it could come back up into a court setting is if Amber provides sufficient reasoning that she needs contact with you. Even then, it’s a longshot given the history and her criminal record.”</p>
<p>There were no parts of this conversation that Lainie felt were normal. She watched Justin, studied the way he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, and retracts her hand to reach for her wine. “There are other options, if you’d like to hear them.”</p>
<p>A quick nod from Justin, who’s back to staring at his plate.</p>
<p>“We could do a supervised visit,” she continues, glancing at Clay. He’s quiet, listening intently and finishing the rest of his meal, eyes gazing at his brother protectively. “Either your father or I will be with you when you meet with her. We could have her come to the house, or meet her at a coffee shop or restaurant. You’d be able to speak with her, spend time with her, but someone would always be with you.”</p>
<p>Pausing for a moment, she gauges Justin’s mood before continuing. “We could also just say yes. That you’d like to see her, and you’ll meet her at this place at this time. You could go alone, or one of us could go with you and sit apart, but you’d have unlimited time to speak with her and maybe form a relationship again.”</p>
<p>“And this arrangement would stay until we petition to the court again?” He asks. “So if there’s a week I don’t feel like seeing her, that would be breaking the agreement.”</p>
<p>“It would,” Lainie nods. “If you chose to see her, no matter which arrangement you choose, it would be a set schedule. Amber would be required to prove to the courts she’s capable, but they would ideally keep it on a weekly or bi-weekly basis. We could ask about monthly, if you find that more suitable.”</p>
<p>The silence falls over the dinner table for a moment. A once cheerful conversation had been replaced by a more serious one, one that saw Justin pull the shield over himself like a veil, eyes glancing at everyone at the table before he spoke.</p>
<p>“I don’t want to see her,” he states firmly, repeating himself. Clay knocks his knee against the leg of the table, and Matt sits up straighter. Lainie doesn’t react, but is admittedly surprised at the confession. “I’m not ready to see her, and she probably just wants to see me because she needs something.”</p>
<p>As he retreats into himself, Justin finishes the last of what’s on his plate. “Could you tell the social worker?”</p>
<p>“We can,” Matt nods, twirling his wine glass between his fingers. “But Justin, kid, if you’d like, you can have some time to think about it. We don’t have to get back to the social worker immediately. She understands this is a big decision.”</p>
<p>“I don’t need time,” Justin says, pushing his arms straight out against the table. “May I please be excused? I have a chemistry test tomorrow I need to study for.”</p>
<p>“Sure, love,” Lainie nods, squeezing his hand as he stands up and places his plate in the sink.</p>
<p>Lainie hesitates until the footsteps disappear up the stairs, and then lets out a breath, looking to her husband. “I’ll make the call in the morning. Let her know that the motion is denied for now, but can be revisited at a later date if needed.”</p>
<p>“Why would his mom all of a sudden want to see him?” Clay asks. He’d been quiet through the conversation, a mere observer to a conversation he was usually excluded from. Lainie was sure he had a million questions, but with Justin’s decision and resulting demeanor weighing heavy on her heart, she wasn’t sure she was in a position to answer.</p>
<p>“It’s like Justin said,” Matt begins, taking over the burden of the conversation from his wife. “His mother was probably in search of something. Money, or drugs, or really any number of things. We can’t be sure.”</p>
<p>Blowing out a breath, Clay nods. “Can she just keep requesting to see him?”</p>
<p>Matt turns to his wife, who sighs. “Legally, yes. There’s nothing stopping her from filing a petition,” she confesses. “But I suspect at some point she’ll grow tired of getting no for an answer.”</p>
<p>“What can I do?” The question is innocent enough, Lainie watching her son as he licks the corner of his lips.</p>
<p>Matt sighs, shaking his head. “There isn’t much any of us can do,” he states, relieved when Lainie nods in confirmation. “Justin will always be reminded that he is our son and your brother, and no petition to the court could reverse that. Your mother and I will always fight for him, but we also understand that this isn’t as simple in his mind. If he wants to talk to you and you feel capable to listen, be that ear he needs.”</p>
<p>“If you don’t feel capable, reiterate that he is more than welcome to sit down with your father or me to discuss whatever’s on his mind. No judgments or preconceived thoughts from us,” Lainie tacks on, looking to her son. “For now, go sit with him. Be in his presence, but don’t force a conversation. He could use some company, I think, and your father and I would feel better if he wasn’t alone.”</p>
<p>Understanding the gravity of the situation, Clay nods. He stands up from the table, clearing his area and the side dishes that rested in the center, and disappears upstairs with identical footsteps to his brothers.</p>
<p>“Everything will be okay,” Matt promises, squeezing her hand as he finishes his wine. Lainie hesitates, blowing a breath.</p>
<p>She finds it hard to believe.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. and now the shadows stalking me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Justin is attacked, and the family deals with the aftermath.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <strong>Two weeks later.</strong>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <strong>Monday.</strong>
</p><p>There’s an odd feeling to the air when they step out to walk to school on a sunny morning.</p><p>Hovering in the transition of summer to fall, the weather is crisp in the mornings, dew sticking to windshields and blades of grass, forming beads and dripping as the sun rises.</p><p>Justin’s feet always drag, Clay’s excitement more than enough for the two of them as they walk down the familiar blocks for a short distance.</p><p>Turning the corner for the final block, Justin stops.</p><p>Seth is sitting in his normal afternoon spot, smirking as Justin stares at him.</p><p>Regaining his composure, Justin falls back into step with Clay, who hadn’t noticed that he stopped walking beside him.</p><p>His eyes don’t leave Seth’s, who waves as he passes, peeling out of the side street and speeding off when Clay and Justin reach the corner.</p><p>His face is burned in Justin’s mind the rest of the day.</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>There’s certain mannerisms that Clay has come to know is Justin’s anxiety.</p><p>The twitching of the corners of his mouth. His quiet demeanor. The way he twists his bracelets around his wrists so sharply that Clay’s half expecting to find broken skin and blood when he finally does pull his hand away.</p><p>It was better than the alternative, he knows that. In the beginning of the fostering and adoption process, Justin coped with his anxiety by getting high, or, when not possible, scratching at his skin until it drew blood and left Lainie fretting over the scrapes, dabbing them with a wet paper towel and some antiseptic, talking to him quietly as he apologized profusely.</p><p>So, baby steps. Dealing with Justin’s anxiety was marginally better now than it was back then.</p><p>He sits at lunch, grateful that Ani seems to have plenty to say, and watches Justin. He picks at his food, interjecting a comment here and there that Clay suspects is to not tip off the rest of the table. Zach nudges Justin’s shoulder, Justin tenses and then recovers, laughing at whatever Zach said close to him, and then goes back to twisting his bracelets around his wrists.</p><p>When the bell rings and he lets go to grab his backpack, there’s flecks of blood dotting the exposed skin.</p><p>Clay grabs the napkin from his bag, discreetly pushing it into his brother’s hand. “You good?”</p><p>Blinking, Justin sighs and takes the napkin from his brother, shoving it under his bracelets. The question - innocent enough, not giving away that he’s having a rough day - catches Justin off guard. It’s Clay’s way of stating that he’s there when he’s ready, but the school hallways don’t seem like the right place.</p><p>He stops at the bottom of the stairs, shrugging. “I’ll be fine,” he promises, tossing the napkin in the trash. “Go to class. Don’t worry about me. I’ll see you after school to walk home.”</p><p>Clay stands at the bottom of the steps, acutely aware that he’s in the way and people are telling him to move or bumping into him, staring until Justin rounds the corner and makes his way to his classroom.</p><p>His brother doesn’t leave his mind the rest of the day.</p><p>
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</p><p>Seth isn’t sitting in his normal spot on the side street as Clay and Justin walk by.</p><p>He’s been waiting every day, a smile and a wave greeting him as they pass by, but today, he’s not there.</p><p>Justin tries not to think about it, focusing on Clay talking about his not-date with Ani at the weekend and if he should wear a nice shirt or if a t-shirt is fine, because Ani said it’s nothing serious and he doesn’t think he’s ever done something like this with a girl he wants to ask to be his girlfriend.</p><p>His thoughts were coming out a mile a minute, rambling nonstop like he does when he gets nervous. Justin tries to interject, slapping his hand on his brother’s arm. “Dude, you’re overthinking this,” he smirks, laughing when Clay stops walking and looks at his brother.</p><p>“If I’m overthinking this, then where do I go next? How do I make myself seem like this is a totally normal casual thing and definitely not a date.”</p><p>A wry smile appears on Justin’s face, initiating them to continue walking. “I don’t know, you just need to relax. Ani likes you for who you are,” he shrugs. He opens his mouth to continue giving advice, but the words never leave his lips.</p><p>Seth tugs Justin from behind, wrestling him to the ground. Frozen in horror, Clay watches as his brother’s head slams to the ground, his arms pinned as Seth lands a punch to Justin’s side, and then his face.</p><p>“Your mama asked to see you,” he murmurs, pinning Justin as he struggles. “Why’d you say no? You too fucking good for her now?”</p><p>“You are a fucking asshole,” Justin spits, blood pouring out of his nose and mouth, cheek beginning to swell.</p><p>Seth lands another punch to his face, pulling his head and slamming it against the pavement once more before pulling a knife from his pocket.</p><p>“We need help!” Clay yells, repeating himself as Justin tries to fight back. “Help! My brother is being attacked! He has a knife! Please help us!” He continues until the neighbors run out, frantically calling 911.</p><p>Taking a step forward, Justin looks over to his brother, eyes wide. “Clay… stay… stay back from me,” he rasps out, Seth pressing on his chest as he stabs him.</p><p>Once.</p><p>Twice.</p><p>Three times.</p><p>With a burst of adrenaline, Clay stalks forward, shoving Seth off his brother before he can stab him again. The knife flies, leaving a line of blood until it comes to a stop far enough away that Seth can’t reach it. A passerby tackles Seth before he can get away, and Clay moves into action, pressing his hands to his brother’s abdomen, trying to stop the bleeding.</p><p>He ignores Justin crying out in pain, strangled gasps escaping his lips as he squeezes his eyes shut. “Justin, please. Please don’t go to sleep right now. Please don’t sleep, I need you to keep your eyes open,” he says, watching his brother’s uneven breathing and grimace. “Justin, listen to me. You have to stay awake. You have to keep talking to me. Help is coming, Justin, I promise you.”</p><p>“C-Clay,” he rasps, breathing as he blinks his eyes open. A neighbor is bringing a towel out, and Clay accepts, pressing it to his brother’s abdomen. Sirens blare in the distance, and without looking up Clay knows that police have arrived. “Just… just talk.”</p><p>Breathing, Clay nods. He watches the police swarm towards Seth, resisting the urge to yell that the real victim was over here, that Justin needed them more and Seth could rot with the scrapes on his face from the bystander tackling and pinning him to the ground.</p><p>“So when I take Ani out this weekend, I think I’ll just wear a t-shirt. It’s nothing too fancy, and like you said, she just wants to hang out with me. She likes me for who I am, and I don’t want her to think that I’m trying too hard,” he rambles, taking a breath. Tears blur his eyes, Justin’s breathing is shaky and erratic, and it feels as though he’s watching the color drain from his brother’s face. “I think I’ll ask her if she wants to go get dinner, and then maybe you, Mom and Dad can stay out of our way and she and I can watch a movie or something. I think it’s a pretty cliche first date, but you always say there’s nothing wrong with playing it safe.”</p><p>“Let us help, kid,” a medic says, resting his hand on Clay’s shoulder as his partner rushes over, setting their bags down. “Take a step back, let us take over, okay? He’s in good hands.”</p><p>“He’s my brother,” Clay replies weakly, lifting his hands. “His name is Justin.”</p><p>The medic smiles, other medics racing to stop Justin’s bleeding and get him ready to be transported. “We’re going to take good care of Justin, I promise.”</p><p>“Clay.” Clay turns, relieved when it’s Deputy Standall saying his name. “Come on, buddy. We’ll get you cleaned up and talk about what happened.”</p><p>Clay stands, staring at his hands. They’re covered in his brother’s blood, caked beneath his fingernails and etched in his prints, the contrast to his own skin enough to make him feel sick.</p><p>He looks back at the sidewalk where his brother lies with medics surrounding him and moving him onto a stretcher. “I don’t want to leave him.”</p><p>“I know,” Deputy Standall nods, resting his hand on his shoulder. “But the best thing you can do for Justin right now is stay out of the way. Let them do their job, and let me help you get cleaned up. I promise I’ll take you right to the hospital.”</p><p>With the promise leaving his lips Clay agrees, watching his brother be lifted onto a stretcher and raced to the ambulance, the doors shutting behind him as quickly as they opened to lift him in.</p><p>Deputy Standall leads him to clean his hands off, a medic quickly looking him over and suggesting he go to the hospital to get looked at as well. Clay sits on the back step of the ambulance, using the wet wipe to scrub his hands until his fingertips are no longer tinged red with blood, but are instead now bright red from the friction of the force he’s put behind cleaning his hands.</p><p>“Clay, buddy, I know this is difficult, but I need to know what you remember happening so we can report the crime to the fullest extent,” Deputy Standall explains. He stands in front of Clay protectively, neighbors standing on the lawn as the aftermath is photographed for evidence and cleaned up. “We want to be able to charge Seth with as many crimes as we can, and you can help us with that.”</p><p>Clay’s eyes dart from the blood stain on the ground and the police officer taking photos, back to the front lawn of an older woman who’s standing behind her gate with her arms crossed and her lips pulled into a thin line, eyes knitted in concern.</p><p>He lands on Deputy Standall, shrugging. “We were walking home from school. I begged Justin to walk with me a few times a week. I said it would be better for us,” he says robotically, eyes darting to stare straight ahead at the cop car. “I was talking about this weekend, and Justin was pulled from behind and slammed to the ground.”</p><p>“He smacked his head. Seth pinned him, punched him in the side and then the face again. And then he said something to him, and then stabbed him.”</p><p>“Do you know how many times he was stabbed?”</p><p>Clay takes a shaky breath, shrugging. “I saw three times before I wrestled him off of Justin. Some guy got Seth before he could run, and I pressed my hands to Justin’s stomach to stop the bleeding. He slammed his head a few times. I was just… I knew Justin should stay awake, right? So I just talked to him until people showed up to help. I talked to him about this weekend and told him to stay awake, but I didn’t know what to keep saying.”</p><p>“You did everything right, Clay. What you did helped your brother tremendously.”</p><p>“He could barely stay awake,” Clay whispers, shaking his head. He blinks, looking up to Deputy Standall. “Is he alive? Why would he do this in the middle of the day? Where people could see?”</p><p>“He is alive,” he nods, writing the last of his notes and putting his notebook back in his pocket. “I can’t answer that last question just yet. I don’t know why he’d do this now, kid, but we’ll figure it out, okay?”</p><p>When Clay just nods in agreement, Deputy Standall tentatively reaches out, resting his hand on his shoulder. “I just have to make a call, but why don’t you come sit in my car? I’ll take you to the hospital as soon as I’m off the phone.”</p><p>Nodding, Clay walks sluggishly back to the police car, sliding into the front seat. He watches Deputy Standall stand in front of the car on the phone, looks back to the neighbors that have crowded in their yards and on the sidewalk, and watches as the police work to clean up the evidence now that they’ve investigated.</p><p>He feels like he’s going to be sick.</p><p>
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</p><p>Lainie is pulled out of a client meeting by Margaret, her firms’ secretary, worry lines etched around her mouth.</p><p>“I’m very sorry for pulling you out of this meeting, Mrs. Jensen,” she begins, folding her hands in front of her. “There’s a call for you at the front desk. I let them know that you were in an important client meeting and asked if I could take a message, but they let me know that this was an urgent matter, and they hadn’t been able to reach you on your cell phone.”</p><p>Nodding, Lainie glances back at the conference room. A new client drove in from San Francisco, and with a successful pitch, Lainie could be the lead lawyer on their case. “Do you know who’s on the phone?” she asks, following Margaret down the bustling hallway towards the front desk.</p><p>“Deputy Standall,” she replies coolly, slipping back into her seat as Lainie’s heart falls to her stomach.</p><p>Bill Standall wouldn’t call her office if it wasn’t important. He wouldn’t demand that she excuse herself from a meeting if it wasn’t an emergency.</p><p>She takes a breath, ignoring her shaking fingers, and picks up the phone.</p><p>“Lainie, I’m very sorry for disturbing you at work,” he begins, and Lainie squeaks out a quiet hum, resisting the urge to lash out and beg him to say what’s wrong.</p><p>“There’s been an altercation involving Justin. He was attacked on the way home from school today by Seth Massey. Clay was with him, and Clay was unharmed.”</p><p>Lainie leans back against the desk to brace herself. Swallowing the sick pit in her stomach, she tugs at the end of her hair. “And Justin?”</p><p>She can hear shuffling on the other line, and then it goes quiet. Bill takes a breath. “At least three stab wounds to the abdomen. Facial trauma, a head injury,” he rattles off, his voice shaking. “We don’t know the extent of his injuries, but he’s being taken to Byrne. I have Clay with me, and he and I are going to the hospital now so he can also be examined further as he’s understandably shaken up. Carolyn is working, and I let her know that we’re on our way.”</p><p>“Oh, God,” Lainie says, ignoring the concerned look from Margaret and the passing attention from visiting clients. “Bill, tell me honestly. Is he -”</p><p>“He’s alive, but it’s critical,” he says before she can finish. “They’re doing everything they can, Lainie, I promise you. I’m going to call Matt for you now, but do you want me to come get you?”</p><p>Lainie stands up, smoothing the crease in her skirt. “No, I’ll take myself,” she says, sighing. “Did you arrest Seth?”</p><p>“Yes,” he says, but doesn’t provide any more detail. Lainie isn’t sure she wants to know. “Drive safe. Call my phone if you need any help getting there. It will be okay.”</p><p>She hangs up the phone, leaning back against the counter and taking a breath. Her feet feel like they’re stuck in concrete, the world moving around her in slow motion.</p><p>“Mrs. Jensen? Are you okay?” Margaret asks, standing now and taking a step forward. “Is there anything I can do to help?”</p><p>With a shake of her hand, Lainie stands up straight and smooths over her skit. “Margaret, I need you to let the meeting know that I have a family emergency and won’t be back,” she says evenly. “Could you also cancel my last meeting today? And all of my meetings tomorrow? Tell them I’ll connect with them to reschedule, but I have a family emergency to tend to.”</p><p>Margaret hesitates, sitting back down. “Yes, of course. Please let me know if there’s anything else I can do.”</p><p>“That’s all, Margaret, thank you,” she smiles politely.</p><p>Walking back to her office, Lainie chews on the inside of her lip and wills one foot in front of the other, grabbing her things and turning back to make it back to the parking garage. She counts her steps, her hand firmly gripping her phone as her fingers shake and the sick feeling in her stomach only seems to get worse.</p><p>She doesn’t let herself cry until she’s safely in the driver’s seat, clinging to the faint hope that this is all just a nightmare she’s going to wake up from.</p><p>
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</p><p>Matt races into the emergency department of Byrne Hospital, his ring clapping against the reception desk as he catches his breath. “My sons… two of them. Clay Jensen and Justin Foley. They were brought in a short while ago.”</p><p>“We’ll need some identification, sir,” the nurse says, emotionless.</p><p>Matt grabs his wallet from his back pocket, shoving it across the counter. “Please, can you tell me how they are?” He asks frantically. “Justin was brought in by ambulance. He was attacked. Clay was brought in separately, he -”</p><p>“You’ll have to wait for a doctor, sir. The waiting room is just over there.”</p><p>“<em>Please</em>, I just need some information about my sons. Are they okay? Can you tell me anything?”</p><p>“A doctor will be with you shortly, Mr. Jensen,” she reiterates, kind eyes looking back at him.</p><p>“Matt.”</p><p>Carolyn Standall walks through the doors that lead back to the emergency room bays, lips pressed into a thin line. “I’ll let the doctor know you’re here so he can speak to you about Clay,” she says, walking up. “I was just with him. He’s doing well, all things considered.”</p><p>“Have you seen Justin?” His heart pounds against his chest, rhythmic and strong as he aims to remain steady on his feet.</p><p>Her demeanor dips for a moment, shoulders sagging in defeat. She too had been one of those parents on his side, waiting anxiously for news that her son was alive. That they could at least have something to work off of, a baseline of where they were in the moment.</p><p>“He was taken up for surgery a short while ago,” she replies quietly, hand reaching out to rest on his arm. “He’s still critical, but Justin is a fighter. They’re doing everything they can.”</p><p>Matt lets his head fall, chewing on his lip. “He’s alive?”</p><p>“He’s alive,” she confirms, squeezing his arm for reassurance. He can hear her say a quick hello to Lainie, who’s arrived frantically, and then lead them to a family consultation room. “Clay’s doctor will be back in just a minute. I’ll see if I can get someone to give you an update on Justin.”</p><p>Lainie musters up the courage to thank her, squeezing Matt’s arm when the door clicks behind Carolyn. “How could this have happened?”</p><p>“The police are working on it. They’ll get to the bottom of this, and if they don’t, we’ll hire whoever we need to to investigate further.”</p><p>Matt’s willing to go to the ends of the earth for his sons. Both of them, who lay in the emergency room with varying injuries. One okay, the other fighting for his life.</p><p>He’d hire the best private investigator in the country, put them up in a rental house and pay for any expenses that were incurred until they solved why Seth attacked his son in broad daylight in the middle of the street.</p><p>His thoughts are interrupted by a knock on the door, an older gentleman who introduces himself as Dr. Martin walks in and shakes both of their hands. “I’ve been taking care of Clay since he arrived with Deputy Standall this afternoon,” he says, sitting down across from them.</p><p>“Clay was unharmed. He’s in shock from the incident, which is to be expected given what we know happened,” he explains. “We have him on an IV for fluids and we’re monitoring him. We’d like to keep him for a few hours to be sure he’s stable.”</p><p>“Of course,” Matt nods. “Can we sit with him?”</p><p>“I’ll take you to him in a few minutes,” he smiles. “Dr. Cooper, another one of our emergency room doctors, is here to talk to you about your other son, first.”</p><p>He stands, stepping out of the room as a much younger doctor steps in, shaking their hands and introducing himself as Dr. Cooper sits down across from them.</p><p>“Justin is a fighter,” he begins his statement, which is a temporary relief for both Matt and Lainie. “Justin was stabbed three times in his abdomen. He’s currently in emergency surgery to stop the internal bleeding and explore to make sure all major organs are intact. We have our top surgeons on it, and I assure you he’s in good hands.”</p><p>“In addition to the stab wounds, Justin suffered four broken ribs on his right side, and a collapsed right lung. He has some facial bruising, but his scans came back clear for broken bones,” he pauses, letting the information sink in. “The main injury we’ll be monitoring besides the stab wounds is the bleeding on his brain.” He gives them another moment. “Justin has what we call a subdural hematoma. It doesn’t look to be severe, and we don’t anticipate long term effects from it, but we can’t be sure until he’s awake and we’re able to do a full neurological assessment.”</p><p>“Oh, God,” Lainie whimpers, leaning her head against Matt’s shoulder.</p><p>Dr. Cooper’s face is blank, no emotion shown. Matt studies him, looks for clues as to what’s coming next, but comes up empty. “He won’t need surgery as of now. He did have a seizure when he first arrived to the ER, but we were able to administer medication to stop it. They'll be monitoring and treating him in the ICU. His doctors there will be able to explain next steps more thoroughly should they need to be taken.”</p><p>“Will he be okay? With all of these injuries?”</p><p>The silence that falls over the room is a worrying sign. “The first 24 hours are critical. Dr. Sanders, who’s performing the operation, will have a better outlook when the operation is completed. I’d be more than happy to take you up to the surgical waiting room, where he can expect to find you to give you more information when the operation is complete.”</p><p>Lainie sucks in a breath, digging through her bag for tissues. “We have another son in the ER,” she replies weakly. “One of us will have to stay with him.”</p><p>“Of course,” Dr. Cooper nods. “I can take one of you upstairs to the surgical waiting room.”</p><p>Lainie leans back, looking at her husband. “Where do you want to go?”</p><p>“Justin will respond better to you being there,” Matt replies immediately. He doesn’t have to say that Justin will probably be confused and wary of a man standing over his bed.</p><p>He can’t bring himself to even bear the thought of his son not waking up today. Or at all.</p><p>Lainie takes a breath. She opens her mouth to argue that it’s not true, that their sons would be grateful to have either one of them, no matter the circumstances. But just as quickly as it opens, she slams it shut. “You’ll tell Clay I’m just upstairs? That everything is okay, and that I’ll see him soon?”</p><p>“I will remind Clay that you are here, and we will get through this,” he promises, standing. Lainie follows suit, kissing him quickly. “Tell Justin the same.”</p><p>“I will,” she nods, following her husband out the door. She and Dr. Cooper take the elevator silently to the fourth floor surgical waiting room, while Matt disappears back behind the doors of the emergency bay with Dr. Martin, steps closer to Clay than she is to Justin.</p><p>
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</p><p>Understandably, Clay doesn’t react when the door opens to his room and Matt walks in.</p><p>Matt surveys the situation. Clay’s backpack discarded on the chair by the door, his sweatshirt propped under his arm. There’s a stark white hospital bracelet on his left wrist, and, in the crook of his right elbow, an IV connected to a bag of fluids is taped.</p><p>The EKG monitors poking out of Clay’s t-shirt are what bring Matt back down to earth, a stark reminder that his oldest son just watched his brother be horrifically attacked in the middle of the street as they walked home from school.</p><p>“Hi, kiddo,” Matt announces, pulling a chair beside his son’s bed. Clay’s eyes flick from the wall to his father, his head pressing back against the pillow.</p><p> </p><p>“He’s dead, isn’t he?” His voice is quiet, raw, like he’d been screaming and mute all at the same time.</p><p>Matt sucks in a breath. “No, Justin is not dead,” he says, reaching forward to touch Clay’s hand. “He’s in surgery, we’ll know more soon. Your mother is waiting to hear from his doctor. She says she loves you and she’ll be here soon.”</p><p>“He jumped him from behind,” Clay continues. “Justin hit his head on the pavement. And then he kicked him, and then he stabbed him. There was so much blood. It’s on my shirt,” he gestures to the hem, flecks of blood dotting the creme shirt. “I put my hands on his stomach to stop the bleeding, but I don’t think it did anything.”</p><p>“It helped a lot, Clay,” Matt assures him, swallowing the sick feeling in his stomach. His one son, broken and bruised, laying on the pavement. His other son, pressing his hands to the open wounds to push the blood back inside. It’s an image burned in his brain, one he hopes he can learn to forget. “Your efforts to stop the bleeding could be what saved your brother.”</p><p>“I don’t know where his backpack went. It flew off when he attacked him,” Clay rambles, shifting the conversation. “Maybe the police have it or something.”</p><p>Matt squeezes Clay’s hand gently. “Don’t worry about his backpack. We’ll find it.”</p><p>Clay pulls his hand away, shrugging. “It’s not like it matters, anyway. Justin doesn’t do his homework.”</p><p>“Justin has been doing excellently with completing his homework assignments, Clay,” Matt reminds him. “We’ll find his backpack, and if we can’t, then he’ll get a new one.”</p><p>“You should probably just get him a new one,” Clay says. He twists his legs, staring straight at the door. “This one probably has blood on it now.”</p><p>Matt chews on his lip. “We’ll worry about his backpack later, buddy,” he assures him. “How are you doing?”</p><p>For the first time, Clay’s eyes focus on his father. There’s a masked look over his face, one that seems to be hiding the emotions he won’t speak about. “I watched Justin get attacked and stabbed,” he says quietly, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth in the same manner Lainie does. “I’m not great, Dad.”</p><p>Matt nods. For someone who was usually so full of words, of calming reassurances and careful gestures to show his family how much he cared, he’s rendered speechless.</p><p>There’s no sentence in the English language that could comfort his son through the ordeal he just experienced.</p><p>“Just relax, Clay. You’re safe now.”</p><p>Clay turns his head to face the opposite wall. He doesn’t retract his hand, but Matt feels his grip loosen.</p><p>His words weren’t enough.</p><p>
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</p><p>Lainie spends the first ten minutes in the surgical waiting room counting the pulls in the rug beneath her feet, and the last hour and forty minutes on hold with insurance, squaring away details and informing them of extensive medical bills that were to come their way in the near future.</p><p>She promptly hangs up on the woman in the middle of her explaining deductibles and next steps following the bills piling in when two doctors walk in, tired eyes and exhausted smiles greeting her.</p><p>“I’m Dr. Sanders. I’ve been operating on Justin over the last few hours,” he says, sitting down. “Your son is stable.”</p><p>Lainie emits a breath. She relaxes into the chair, nodding.</p><p>“We completed an operation to his abdomen. Repairing internal bleeding from the stab wounds, and meticulously checking internal organs for any damage,” he continues. “He has some internal sutures to repair damages to his small intestine and liver, but we don’t anticipate any further complications. They were minor perforations that were found in time.”</p><p>“The first 24 hours are critical,” he continues after a brief pause. “Infection probability is high given the instrument he was stabbed with and the fact that he has multiple stab wounds. He has many internal injuries that frankly, his body may have trouble fighting all at once.”</p><p>The words feel like repetitive stab wounds to Lainie’s own chest. “What are the chances of him surviving?”</p><p>The pause tells her everything she needs to know.</p><p>“We estimate between 85 and 90 percent,” he says. “Justin is young, he’s relatively healthy, and he’s strong. We’ve seen kids his age bounce back. We just need to give him time.”</p><p>Lainie thanks him quietly, wadding the tissue firmly between her fist and squeezing.</p><p>The other doctor in the room, a middle-aged woman with short chestnut brown hair and glasses smiles, pushing herself to sit up straighter in her chair. “I’m Dr. Holden, the attending ICU physician that will be in charge of your son’s care,” she introduces herself. “We’re having Justin settled into a room as we speak, but right now I’d like to walk you through what you’re going to see when we take you to your son.”</p><p>Lainie straightens her back, bracing herself for this conversation.</p><p>She’s sat in many hospital waiting rooms as a lawyer, waiting for the confirmation that she was allowed in to see a client. She believes she’s seen it all - broken bones, battered faces and crying men and women as they recount the incident they were involved in. She’d always been able to detach herself from the situation, remind herself that she is there to help, that she isn’t there to sympathize and hold their hand as they begin the next journey of their lives.</p><p>But this was personal. When she left this surgical waiting room and followed the doctors down the sterile, quiet hallways of the Intensive Care Unit, her son was going to be on the other side of the door.</p><p>Her son, who had spent 16 years of his life in tumultuous circumstances. Abuse and neglect, pain and heartache. Memories that Lainie had never been able to take away, but could only help him talk through it in therapy or late night conversations on the sofa.</p><p>This incident - one that had been playing on news stations and flooded her phone with texts from concerned partners or parents of their children’s friends who had found out it was Justin attacked - was one that she wasn’t sure how she’d get her son through. She only knows that they can take it one day at a time, one moment at a time, one second at a time. If Justin was breathing, they could figure it out.</p><p>“Justin will remain on the ventilator. His pneumothorax, or collapsed lung, is one less thing his body will have to worry about working hard to repair by keeping him on the ventilator. In the coming day or two, when he’s had some time to rest, we will explore removing it” she begins. “He has an NG tube down his nose to help clear his abdomen and pull samples to test for infection. It’s also how we’ll be administering some medications and feeding him, when he’s ready. There’s a chest tube on the right side that is helping drain fluid and allow his lung to expand and heal. There are also various monitors attached to him monitoring his vitals for us. They’ll help us determine if further testing is needed for an infection.”</p><p>Lainie nods, taking a shaky breath. “We were told of his broken ribs and a brain bleed,” she says weakly before Dr. Holden can continue.</p><p>She smiles politely, nodding. “Justin’s broken ribs are stabilized. The brain bleed is minimal, but we’re monitoring closely. Our main concern with the bleed is subsequent seizures. He’s suffered one, which leads us to believe that there’s a chance he could have another. We must warn you that there is extensive facial bruising. We will be doing daily CT scans to determine if the bleeding is subsiding, and if not, what our next steps will be.”</p><p>“Okay,” Lainie nods. “What would the next steps entail?”</p><p>“Surgery. Inserting an intracranial monitor to tell us the pressure in his head,” Dr. Holden rattles off. “With all due respect, Mrs. Jensen, I’d like to hold off on even thinking about those next steps. Our main focus is doing what we can right now for Justin, and that’s focusing on what we’ve already done.”</p><p>“I understand,” Lainie nods. “Thank you, both. For taking care of my son.”</p><p>They both nod. “Do you have any other questions?” Dr. Holden asks.</p><p>Lainie pulls her purse from where it rested between her legs, holding it to her chest. “If it’s alright with the two of you, I’d like to be with my son now.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you everyone for the positive feedback on the first chapter! i've been so nervous to post this fic, but that made me feel a lot better. hopefully you all continue loving it! </p><p>for anyone who knows how many times i've written and rewritten this fic before posting (it's been almost a year, lol), this chapter is the reason it kept being rewritten. the attack has taken place in so many variations, so many settings, and it never felt right. so! hoping this is decent enough haha.</p><p>hope everyone who celebrates Thanksgiving had a lovely holiday! </p><p>the title of the first chapter came from Ease My Mind by Ben Platt, and this chapter's title came from Trouble by Johnnyswim :)</p><p>see you next Friday! :) &lt;3 &lt;3 &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. I worry about you the whole night</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Clay grapples with the aftermath, their friends show their support, and the family is reunited with Justin.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In all of the scenes Lainie had walked in on in her years of being a lawyer - police questioning rooms, emergency room departments, the private conference room behind the reception desk at her old firm - nothing could have prepared her for ICU room 4, where Justin laid connected to machines in a bed that he looked entirely too small for.</p>
<p>“Nurses will be in and out to check on him,” Dr. Holden says quietly, her presence firm and reassuring. “Hold his hand, talk to him. He can hear you, Mrs. Jensen, and having his mother’s voice in his ear will be calming and reassuring.”</p>
<p>Lainie nods, thanking her as she takes a firm step forward.</p>
<p>She sets her bag down on the table, walking back to the bed and studying her son’s features for a moment.</p>
<p>His face is mostly covered by various monitors. A ventilator that keeps his mouth parted and snakes down his throat, the whirring by her side a constant reminder that he is not breathing on his own. The NG tube that disappears down his right nostril and fastened to his cheek, tucked carefully behind his ear.</p>
<p>The purple bruise under his left eye, the swelling around the bridge of his nose.</p>
<p>The chest tube snaking from beneath his gown and down the side of the bed, draining into a machine.</p>
<p>The stab wounds are covered by the hospital gown and a blanket. Lainie’s thankful she doesn’t have to see those quite yet, her stomach already in knots from what she can see.</p>
<p>She takes a step back, taking a photo to send to Matt. She types out a quick summary of his injuries, ensuring that Justin is alive and stable and the doctors are confident he’ll be okay.</p>
<p>Another step forward that feels like trudging through molasses, and Lainie takes Justin’s hand. The machines beep and whir behind her, a constant reminder that Justin is alive, he’s stable, and he’s being monitored by the top doctors and surgeons in this hospital.</p>
<p>Leaning forward, Lainie brushes wisps of hair off his warm forehead. <em>He’s running a fever.</em> She hits the nurse’s button, pressing her lips to his forehead. “I’m here, my love. I’m right here.”</p>
<p>She pulls away when the door opens. “Mrs. Jensen, I’m Annie, Justin’s nurse throughout the day,” the nurse introduces herself. She’s younger, patterned scrubs and her hair scraped back into an elaborate French braid that Lainie imagines she would have learned to do had she had a daughter. “Is there anything I can help with?”</p>
<p>“He’s running a fever, is that normal?” she asks breathlessly, hand firmly planted in her son’s. There’s blood tangled in the edges of his hair, and Lainie’s careful not to jostle him.</p>
<p>Annie steps forward, running through Justin’s vitals. “His fever is within normal range for what we consider a postoperative fever. Right now he’s hovering around 102.1. Above 103 is where we would investigate further for infection,” she explains softly. “Justin is being closely monitored for infection, so we will catch anything early.”</p>
<p>Lainie thanks her, turning her attention back to Justin, staring at him until her eyes blur and her legs can no longer hold her own weight.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>After consulting with Dr. Martin and various nurses, Matt sits beside his oldest son and gives a quick overview of Justin’s injuries.</p>
<p>“Mom sent me a photo of Justin, but it is difficult to look at.”</p>
<p>Clay, who’s spent most of the last hour talking about all the homework he should be doing, shrugs. “We’re going to go see him when they let me leave, right?” he asks. “Let me see it.”</p>
<p>Matt turns his phone around, letting Clay study the photo. “Is there anything that you see that you’d like to talk about?”</p>
<p>Clay’s hand rests over his, index finger tapping twice to zoom in. “Why isn’t he breathing on his own?”</p>
<p>“Justin’s lung collapsed,” Matt reminds him. “With all of his other injuries, the doctors feel that giving his body a break and breathing for him will give him a chance to heal. They hope to have it out in the next day or two.”</p>
<p>Clay nods. He drags the photo up, studying his brother’s face. “He has a tube in his nose.”</p>
<p>“That’s to be able to test for infection in his belly, give him medications, and, when he’s ready, give him nutrients until he’s able to eat on his own.”</p>
<p>“Did anyone tell Jess? Or our friends?” Clay asks, pushing the phone away and resting his hands in his lap. He picks at his hospital bracelet, the sticker already fraying. “They’re probably blowing up Justin’s phone, asking where he is and why he hasn’t answered. They’re always texting him.”</p>
<p>Matt, who’s been receiving texts nonstop from family friends, is aware that the incident made the news. While the names of his sons aren’t used in any story, it seems that word of mouth has let the information circulate. A problem for a different day, Matt decided easily upon being reunited with one of his children.</p>
<p>“We haven’t reached out to them yet,” he replies, reaching forward to take Clay’s hand. “When you're released, if you’d like, you can text or call them, or I can do it for you.”</p>
<p>Clay squeezes Matt’s hand, shaking his head. “They’ll just ask me if Justin is dead.”</p>
<p>“I don’t think they’ll ask that, Clay,” Matt replies gently. “Your friends care deeply about both of you. They’ll want to know that you’re both okay. And Justin is alive, so if they do ask, you’ll be able to give them good news.”</p>
<p>A beat of silence. A deep breath, the calls of a trauma coming into the emergency room heard through the door. “I should’ve stopped him,” Clay speaks over the commotion, pulling his hand away from his father’s. “The second I saw the knife, I should’ve pushed him away.”</p>
<p>“You did everything you could, kiddo,” Matt reminds him. His words are gentle, not unkind and unfamiliar to his son. “You didn’t have time to react to what was going on in front of your eyes. And when you processed what was happening, you got Seth off your brother before anything else could happen.”</p>
<p>“Don’t say his name,” Clay replies sharply, pulling his hand back.</p>
<p>Matt retreats his own hand, folding them in his lap. “Okay, I’m sorry. We won’t say his name anymore.”</p>
<p>Clay sucks his bottom lip between his teeth, shaking his knee. “I called for help before I made sure to get Justin safe.”</p>
<p>“Calling for help was critical in securing Justin’s safety,” Matt replies immediately. “You shouting for someone to help is what alerted the neighbors to call 911. It got the medics there faster, which means your brother received professional help faster. Clay, buddy, you did everything you possibly could for your brother. He’s alive because of you.”</p>
<p>For a moment, Matt’s expecting push back. In the three hours since he’s been reunited with his son, they’ve circled through conversations at a dizzying pace, always landing back on Clay’s insistence that he didn’t do enough, that Justin didn’t have to get hurt, that this could’ve been less severe</p>
<p>Matt, who is so accustomed to having the answers for his family, careful words and curated responses filling the room, has been left to stumble upon reassuring words and affirmations without much thought put behind them.</p>
<p>“When are they going to let me leave? I want to see Justin,” Clay abruptly asks, kicking the blanket Carolyn Standall brought off his legs.</p>
<p>“They’ll be in to check on you soon,” Matt replies, leaning back in the chair and stretching. “When you’re discharged, we will go see your brother. Maybe bring your mother some food.”</p>
<p>Clay nods, pulling himself to sit up straighter when Dr. Martin returns, declaring that he’s signing the papers to discharge him. “Carolyn will be in to remove your IV and have you sign discharge papers. Take it easy the next few days, and don’t hesitate to come back should you feel worse.”</p>
<p>Clay nods, thanking him as his fingers tap against his thigh. Carolyn walks in a few moments later, setting her supplies down and turning to Clay. “A few friends have come to wait in the waiting room. I told them it’s unlikely you’d want to see them tonight, but I thought you’d want to know.”</p>
<p>“Who’s here?” Clay asks, looking up at her as he holds out his arm. “Did you tell them that it was me and Justin who got attacked?”</p>
<p>Carolyn pulls his IV out with ease, pressing gauze to his skin. “I didn’t tell them it was you two,” she answers, reaching for the tape. “They caught wind of it on their own. Alex, Charlie, Jessica, Zach, Tony and Ani are here.”</p>
<p>“Did you tell them about Justin?”</p>
<p>“That would be breaching patient confidentiality, sweetheart. All they know is that Justin was admitted and you’ll be discharged tonight. They understand if you don’t want to see them and you’d like to just go right upstairs.”</p>
<p>Whipping his head around, Clay looks to Matt. “Should I go see them?”</p>
<p>Matt smiles, glancing at Carolyn, who’s moved to remove the EKG lines from under Clay’s shirt. “That’s up to you, kiddo. If you want to stop by for a few minutes, we can. Or we can let them know that you’re not up to seeing them yet, and we’ll get in touch when you are.”</p>
<p>“They’ll want to know about Justin.”</p>
<p>“They’re willing to hear whatever you want to tell them,” Carolyn says, handing him two forms to sign. “If you don’t want to tell them anything about Justin, then don’t. If you just want to let them know that you’re both okay, that’s fine. And if you don’t want to see them at all, I’m more than happy to relay the message. I warned them that showing up unannounced may not be received the way they intended it to.”</p>
<p>Clay signs the forms, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. “How much can I tell them about Justin?”</p>
<p>Matt looks to his son, phone pressed firmly in his hand. In an ideal world, he’d consult with Lainie on how much information they would like out to their sons’ friends. In an ideal world, they’d be able to tell their children’s friends that both boys escaped serious harm and will be discharged in a matter of days.</p>
<p>This is not an ideal world.</p>
<p>“You can tell them that Justin has some serious injuries, ones that need close monitoring in the ICU, and it’ll be a little while before any of them are able to see him,” Matt says evenly. “Let’s refrain from telling them that Justin is on a ventilator, or that he has bleeding on his brain. Let’s not give any specifics about his injuries until Justin is conscious and can consent to his friends knowing.”</p>
<p>Clay gives a small nod. He stands up from the bed, subtly pulling away from Matt when he holds out his hand to steady his son. “I won’t say anything Justin would be upset about. I’d like to see our friends, though.”</p>
<p>Carolyn signs off on the forms, looking back. “I can take you to them now,” she says, giving Matt time to grab Clay’s things before they walk through the halls of the emergency department and out the double doors to the waiting room.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">_______________________________</span>
</p>
<p>Jess can hear the news blaring on the television before she sees it. Her father, no stranger to watching the news in the afternoon while cleaning up the kitchen and preparing dinner, stands in the entryway to the living room, eyebrows furrowed as he watches the scene play out in front of him.</p>
<p>“Did you hear about this?” he asks when he feels Jess’ presence beside him. “It’s breaking news. Two kids were attacked walking home from Liberty.”</p>
<p>Jess studies the TV, the reporter standing just beside the crime scene, which is littered with cops and blood on the ground.</p>
<p>“It is unknown at this time if this attack was planned or not. What we do know is two teenage boys were involved, with one teenager being transported to the hospital with serious injuries. Both boys look to be students at Liberty High School. The suspect has been apprehended, and a press conference with Evergreen County Police is coming in just a few short hours. We will provide more updates as they become available.”</p>
<p>“Holy shit,” Jess whispers, eyes trained on the background of the reporter. She studies the houses, the picket fences and elaborate staircases up to the front doors of the homes and recognizes the streets, confirming it as the reporter speaks of his location. “That’s around the corner from Justin and Clay’s.”</p>
<p>“They drive to school, don’t they?” her father asks. “So tragic, what’s happened. I hope those kids affected are okay.”</p>
<p>Jess pulls out her phone, texting Justin. “Justin and Clay walk to school sometimes,” she rambles, fingers tapping at a feverish pace. “I think they walked today. That’s how they would have walked home.” She hits send, turning to her father. “Do you think that could be them?”</p>
<p>“I don’t think it’s worth getting worked up over, honey. I’m sure your friends are fine. Plenty of kids live over that way.”</p>
<p>His words don’t erase the sick feeling in her stomach, the bile rising further when multiple texts to Justin go unanswered, and her few frantic texts to Clay are left unread.</p>
<p>She texts their friend group chat, questions already flooding in asking if they heard the news and if anyone has heard back from Justin and Clay.</p>
<p>No one has.</p>
<p>Jess paces, calling Justin and growing more anxious with each voicemail tone.</p>
<p>And then Alex calls, and her hands shake as her thumb drags across the screen to answer.</p>
<p>“It’s Justin and Clay,” he says without a greeting, his voice shaking. “I knew they lived over there, so I texted my mom to ask if it was them. She said they were both brought in. My dad brought Clay with him.”</p>
<p>“How bad is it?” Jess asks. She taps her fingers on the counter, unsure if she wants to know the answer.</p>
<p>Alex makes a noncommittal noise on the other line. “My mom wouldn’t say. She can’t say,” he says. “But she says if we’re quiet and respectful, we can sit in the waiting room to see if Clay would like to see us.”</p>
<p>“We have to go,” Jess says immediately, relieved when Alex agrees and informs her that she and Charlie are on their way to the hospital.</p>
<p>In less than 20 minutes their friends have quietly huddled in the corner of Byrne Hospital’s emergency department waiting room, passing snack bags they retrieved from the outdated vending machine and talking quietly. Tony searched the internet meticulously for any further information from news articles, putting his headphones in his ears when the police press conference began.</p>
<p>Jess and Ani are typing out lists of things to put in care packages for the boys and the Jensens when Tony takes his headphones out, leaning forward. “It was Seth,” he says quietly, eyes masking the emotion behind them. “They arrested him at the scene thanks to bystanders, and charges are pending. They said they’ll announce them later.”</p>
<p>Jess leans back in her chair, her stomach in knots and the feeling as if she’d been punched in the gut only getting worse. “Did they say what injuries were?”</p>
<p>Tony shakes his head. He sends a text, and then focuses back on his friend group. “They said one victim is a minor in serious condition, but they won’t be releasing any more information on his health because of his age.”</p>
<p>Ani sits up straighter, resting her palms on her thighs. “Justin is the one with the more serious injuries then,” she concludes, looking around the group. “So is Clay okay?”</p>
<p>“My dad brought him in,” Alex reminds them, hand interlaced with Charlie’s. “So he at least needed to be looked at, but I guess it wasn’t that bad that he needed an ambulance.”</p>
<p>“Justin paid all his debts to Seth,” Zach thinks out loud, leaning back in the chair. He looks exhausted, scrubbing his hand over his face and taking a breath. “He owed him money previously, but he paid him back. He hadn’t heard from him in months.”</p>
<p>Charlie looks back to Zach. “Is it possible that he just didn’t tell us Seth was back in touch?” he asks quietly, apprehensive about the reaction. “Justin didn’t like people worrying about him, maybe he told us the debts were paid just so we wouldn’t worry about him.”</p>
<p>Zach replies with a quick shake of his head. “No,” he breathes, “that can’t be it. Because I went with Justin when he paid the last of the debts. We went after school and Seth told him they were squared away and he didn’t want to see him again.”</p>
<p>“I don’t think there’s any sense in worrying about how Seth got back in touch with Justin,” Ani declares, clapping her hands together quietly. “What matters now is that our friends are injured and went through a traumatic event, and we need to be there for them.”</p>
<p>Quiet nods meet Ani’s declaration, and before she has a chance to discuss the care packages she and Jess are planning to put together the double doors back to the emergency room bay and Clay and Mr. Jensen follow Mrs. Standall into the waiting room.</p>
<p>Ani’s the first to stand, waiting for the okay before carefully hugging him. “We got here as soon as we could. We wanted to be sure you guys were okay.”</p>
<p>Clay shrugs. He tilts his foot onto its side, looking around the room.</p>
<p>“Tyler had a therapy appointment, otherwise he would be here,” Tony offers. “I’m sure he’ll be here as soon as he’s done.”</p>
<p>“He doesn’t have to come,” Clay says quietly. His once confident demeanor is replaced by a passive voice, his father standing protectively behind him. “I’m not going to stay here long. I just wanted to say thanks for coming.”</p>
<p>“Of course,” the group choruses, looking at him.</p>
<p>Ani reaches forward, taking Clay’s hand. “What do you need from us?”</p>
<p>It’s a loaded question, earning a sigh and a noncommittal murmur from her boyfriend, who squeezes her hand gently. “I’m not sure,” he says after a moment, lifting his gaze from the floor to scan the room. “Justin is in the ICU. His injuries are pretty serious, and it’s going to be a little while before he’s able to see any of you.”</p>
<p>Zach sinks into the chair, resigned as he processes the information. Charlie sits up straighter, looking back to Clay. “Is there anything we can bring you guys? Maybe a change of clothes or some food?”</p>
<p>Clay takes a step back. Pulling his hand away from Ani, he wipes them off on his jeans. “I don’t think so,” he shakes his head.</p>
<p>“Mr. Jensen? Is there anything you or Mrs. Jensen need? Or even Justin?”</p>
<p>Matt steps forward, smiling politely at the group. “Thank you, Charlie, but I think we’re okay,” he replies. “After Clay and I see Justin, we’re going to return home to retrieve some essentials to get us through at least the first few days.”</p>
<p>“It was very nice of you all to stop by. It eases my heart to know that my sons have such a strong and loyal friend group,” he continues, looking around the room. “But I think for right now the best thing you guys could do is return home to your families. Lainie and I would hate to know that you’re all huddled in a hospital waiting room together. We’d feel better if you went home and got something to eat, spent the time with your families. When we have more information on Justin that we feel ready to share, we will let all of you know.”</p>
<p>Clay takes a step back beside his father, his friends standing up and beginning to collect their things. Jess takes a step forward. “You’ll tell Justin we’re wishing him well and we were all here for support? And you’ll let us know if there’s anything we can bring you guys?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, of course,” Clay agrees, but it sounds more like he’s saying it just so the conversation can end.</p>
<p>Matt smiles politely, stepping forward. “We’ll make sure Justin knows you were all here, Jessica. And if we think of anything we may need, we’ll be sure to contact you,” he says politely. “Be safe getting home. All of you.”</p>
<p>He ushers Clay back to the elevators after a quick goodbye, retracting his hands when his son flinches. “We’ll stay with Justin for as long as possible tonight,” he offers as they listen for the floor numbers. “I’m not sure they’ll allow all three of us to spend the night. The ICU often follows strict protocols, and it’s safe to assume that it’ll be one parent only each night.”</p>
<p>“I just want to see him,” Clay whispers, stepping off the elevator and stopping at the desk in the ICU entryway.</p>
<p>Matt follows, stopping Clay just before they arrive at Justin’s room. “Just a reminder that Justin will not look like Justin. He’s on a lot of machines and monitors, but he’s okay. He will be okay.”</p>
<p>Clay’s eyes flicker with anger for a moment, and then his expression goes blank. “Don’t make promises about him being okay. We don’t know if he’s going to be okay yet.”</p>
<p>Matt’s taken aback by the request. Nodding, he drops his hand from his son’s arm. “There’s no harm in being positive,” he counters. “Your brother is receiving the best care possible. He’s stable, he’s in good hands, and his doctors are optimistic. Your mother and I would appreciate it if you’re also optimistic, at least for the sake of your brother. He trusts you, Clay, and he will want the reassurance that what your mother and I are saying is true.”</p>
<p>Clay stands up straight, nodding. “I will be positive when we’re with Justin,” he agrees, voice robotic and as if he knew he needed to say the right thing. “But I’d appreciate it if you and Mom were honest to me about how he’s really doing.”</p>
<p>“Your mother and I will let you know how he’s doing to the extent we feel appropriate,” Matt replies, no room for negotiation. “Your brother’s recovery isn’t your burden to bear. All we ask is that you are there for your brother, you encourage him and give him all the support he needs along with your mother and I. Let the two of us worry about his recovery plans and what he’ll need medically moving forward.”</p>
<p>Clay retreats, nodding. “Deal,” he agrees quickly, turning on his heels and sliding open the door to his brother’s room, peeling back the curtain just enough for him and Matt to slip through.</p>
<p>He stops in his tracks, staring at the bed that holds his brother.</p>
<p>Matt stands behind his eldest, gently placing his hand on his shoulder. “What do you want to talk about?”</p>
<p>“He has more bruises than I thought he would,” Clay comments. He wills his feet forward one more step, and stops.</p>
<p>Lainie smiles, her hand tucked neatly in Justin’s. “You can come sit with him, love. I’m sure he’d love to hear your voice,” she whispers. Standing, she smooths her hands over her skirt, stepping back away from the bed. “Would you like to hold his hand?”</p>
<p>The fierce determination that once filled Clay’s face is replaced by apprehensiveness, a demeanor Matt didn’t think they’d see from their son in this situation. He stands behind Clay, a silent support system, and rubs his back in slow circles while they stare at Justin in the bed, more tubes and monitors than Matt could’ve ever imagined, the photo Lainie sent not doing the scene justice.</p>
<p>Lainie walks over, cupping Clay’s face in her hands. “I’m so glad you’re okay, sweetheart. I’ve been worried about you.”</p>
<p>Clay’s eyes shift from her gaze back over her shoulder, looking to his brother. “I should’ve done more to save him.”</p>
<p>Lainie’s eyes knit in concern. She looks to her husband, who shakes his head as if to say they’ll discuss later, and then focuses back on her son. “You did everything you could, Clay. And when Justin is awake, I have no doubts that he’ll be so grateful for everything you did for him.”</p>
<p>“How do we know he’s going to wake up?”</p>
<p>Lainie sucks in a sharp breath. Holding her hands out to rest on his arms, she squeezes gently. “Justin is doing well. His vitals are stable, and his doctors are optimistic. So, in turn, we have to be optimistic as well. Your brother will wake up, Clay. Just as you and I wake up each morning, with time, Justin will, too. It’s all we can do for Justin right now.”</p>
<p>Nodding, Clay moves past his mother and sinks into the chair she once occupied. He stares at Justin, eyes glancing over every tube and every monitor down to the machines they’re attached to, and then takes his hand.</p>
<p>“I’m here now, Justin,” he whispers. “And I’m sorry that I wasn’t here sooner. Did you know that if you watch a traumatic event, you can go into shock? Because I didn’t, but it’s what happened to me. They made me sit in the emergency room for hours hooked up to monitors and getting fluids just so I wouldn’t get worse. It seemed pretty stupid, but Mrs. Standall was my nurse, and she was nice about things.”</p>
<p>“All of our friends are here. I didn’t tell them anything about your injuries or the fact that you’re not breathing on your own. But they all sat in the waiting room and I went to see them, and even though it’s a little weird that they came here not expecting to see you or me, I think it’s pretty nice that they made the effort.”</p>
<p>Lainie leans against her husband’s chest, crossing her arms. “Do you think we step in?”</p>
<p>Matt’s lips ghost over the top of her head. “No, I think we let this happen,” he whispers, massaging his wife’s shoulders. “Clay needs this, and I’m sure just hearing Clay’s voice is comforting for Justin. They both need this. We’ll step in if it gets worse.”</p>
<p>Clay lifts his head, turning to look at them. “When can the ventilator come out?” he asks, leaning his elbow onto his brother’s bed. “Justin would hate so many things on his face. And the tube down his throat. You guys know how much he likes to talk, even though most of the time it’s about annoying topics and he does it to get under my skin.”</p>
<p>Lainie presses her lips into a small smile, taking a step forward. “The doctors are optimistic he’ll have the ventilator removed in a day or two,” she explains, pulling a chair over to the opposite side of the bed. “I agree, I don’t think Justin would be particularly pleased to know that there are multiple tubes down his throat, but with time, they’ll both be removed.”</p>
<p>She watches Clay, studying his eyes staring straight at what he can see of his brother’s face. “Will he be able to talk with the tube in his nose?”</p>
<p>“The NG tube,” Lainie supplies, smoothing her hand over the blankets resting on Justin’s legs. “Yes, he’ll be able to talk with the NG tube in.”</p>
<p>Clay nods. “Once the ventilator comes out and he’s awake, he’s never going to shut up,” he remarks. “He’ll probably talk about how the bed is uncomfortable or the IV isn’t perfectly placed in his arm. Or maybe he’ll talk about how the beeping drives him insane. He’s going to have a pretty bad headache, right? I bet he’ll just complain the whole time.”</p>
<p>Lainie’s heart swells and breaks in one swift motion, the tears pooling behind her eyes as she looks to her eldest. “He will probably have headaches, yes,” she replies quietly. “But I think hearing Justin’s voice will be a welcomed moment. I would love to listen to him complain about his monitors or his hospital room right at this moment.”</p>
<p>Clay’s shoulders sag, a deep sigh leaving his mouth. “Me too,” he admits, picking up Justin’s hand. “We all want to hear you talk. You better wake up soon.”</p>
<p>Lainie smiles at her sons, leaning back in the chair and sitting vigil by her son’s bedside. These moments, despite being so horrible, so uncertain and far more terrifying than Lainie ever remembers going through, give her hope that things will be okay.</p>
<p>
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    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>The end of visiting hours approached far quicker than Matt and Lainie were hoping. After bribing Annie and their night nurse Liza for 15 extra minutes, Matt was left with the difficult task of removing their eldest son from his brother’s bedside with a faint promise to be back first thing in the morning.</p>
<p>Lainie took Clay’s hands, squeezing gently as she moved up to his face. Brushing her fingers over his cheek, she soaks in his features, savoring the moment. “I love you,” she whispers, “and if I didn’t say it before, I am so proud of you for today. For what you did for your brother.”</p>
<p>Clay nods, eyes passing through her and back to stare at Justin. “You’ll call us if something happens? If anything goes wrong.”</p>
<p>Lainie takes a breath, steadying herself. “I will call if anything happens,” she promises. “But sweetheart, Justin is going to be fine, and you need to get some sleep. We’ll be here in the morning when you and Dad get back.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, okay,” Clay nods. He walks back to his brother, Matt taking his place and pulling his wife against his chest.</p>
<p>“Are you sure you’ll be okay here tonight?”</p>
<p>“I’ll be fine,” Lainie assures him. Words firm and straight to the point. “Justin needs one of us here, and frankly, I think your calm demeanor is more beneficial for Clay in the moment. He’ll do much better with your gentler approach.”</p>
<p>“We’ll be back first thing in the morning,” he reminds her. “I’ll bring you some clothes, and I’ll bring the afghan blanket from Justin’s bed. We brought your work things up from the car, but Lain, your partners will understand. Justin needs to be our first priority. As does Clay, for that matter.”</p>
<p>“And they both are,” Lainie replies sharply. Pulling away, she smooths her hands over her skirt. “My boss was made aware of what happened and granted me a leave of absence. I’m going to send a formal letter this evening for HR purposes, and then I’ll inform my partners that I’ll be out and to contact my colleagues in the meantime,” she replies. “Once that’s squared away, I’m not working until things are more settled.”</p>
<p>Matt nods. “I’m going to square away work tonight and tomorrow morning. My supervisor has also caught wind of what happened. She sends her best, and is granting me a grace period to turn over coverage of my classes or transition them to online.”</p>
<p>Lainie nods. “We can’t both take a leave of absence,” she sighs. “How do we want to handle this?”</p>
<p>“I have lectures recorded. While I prefer the face to face or even live online interactions, these are extenuating circumstances. Focusing on Justin’s health and wellness is more important than me giving lectures,” he says steadily. “I will stay on as professor full-time, scaling back my office hours to once a week for three hours for my students. I’ll explain I have a family matter, and deal with emergency meetings on a case by case basis.”</p>
<p>Lainie blows out a breath, nodding. While informal, she has to admit that it feels a little better knowing that they have a verbal plan laid out. A way for them to focus on their sons while still maintaining a slight source of normalcy. She glances back to their sons, and then to the clock. “You should go before Liza gets upset that we’re already breaking visiting hour protocols on night one.”</p>
<p>“Of course,” Matt smiles. He kisses her temple, tilting her chin up to look at him. “We will be okay.”</p>
<p>Her bottom lip trembles as she nods, Matt’s firm words reverberating through her mind.</p>
<p>
  <em>They will be okay.</em>
</p>
<p>She watches her husband and son walk back through the door they had only arrived through hours earlier, moving to sit back beside her youngest.</p>
<p>“I’m here, Justin. Everything is going to be okay,” she whispers, taking his hand and squeezing.</p>
<p>The machines beep and whir and Justin’s chest rises and falls with a calculated pace. Lainie’s aware it’s not on his own, but it gives her hope.</p>
<p>Hope that in a few days, he’ll be doing this himself.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>Carolyn Standall slips into the room at the end of her shift, holding a duffel bag out for Lainie. “It’s just some necessities. Pajamas, a travel toothbrush and toothpaste, deodorant. I asked Bill to throw in some makeup wipes and face cleanser, but I wasn’t able to check to see if he found them.”</p>
<p>Lainie accepts the bag, a tired smile on her face. “You didn’t have to do this.”</p>
<p>“I remember the first night we were in the hospital with Alex. Both you and Karen Dempsey provided me with toiletries and a pajama set so I didn’t have to leave my son when he was just out of surgery. It’s the least I could do for you, Lainie,” she whispers. “How have things been?”</p>
<p>Lainie sinks into the chair at the small table in the corner. “Difficult. Mind numbing. Terrifying,” she rattles off, looking back to her friend who’s taken the seat beside her. “I just keep thinking this is some horrible dream. There’s no way that’s my son in that hospital bed.”</p>
<p>“It took me almost three weeks to understand that I wasn’t living in a nightmare. That Alex really was the one in the hospital,” Carolyn replies, waving her hand in remorse. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t turn this into what I experienced, I -”</p>
<p>“Please,” Lainie says, interrupting her train of thought. She reaches over, taking Carolyn’s hand in hers. “With all due respect, no one is going to understand what I’m going through. But you… Carolyn, God, you went through such a trying time as well.”</p>
<p>Carolyn lifts her head to look at Lainie, eyes wet. “You shouldn’t compare what my family went through to this. What you’re going to endure, Lainie,” she pauses, taking a breath, “This is going to be a very long road. And you shouldn’t be afraid to reach out for help when it’s needed.”</p>
<p>Letting her head fall, Lainie allows herself to cry. Shoulder heaving, broken sobs, ugly crying in the middle of her son’s room in the Intensive Care Unit where he lays hooked up to a ventilator and various other monitors. “I can’t help but feel like I somehow failed him. If I had known Seth was looking for him, or if I knew that them walking to and from school was so dangerous, I would have never condoned it.”</p>
<p>Carolyn’s hands squeeze hers softly. “You didn’t fail Justin, Lainie,” she reminds her softly. “Everything you’ve done for that boy put his best interests at top of mind.”</p>
<p>“You brought him into your home when he had no one. Lainie, that boy was homeless when he came to you. Everything you have done for him has been in his best interests, and he loves you for it,” she continues. “I knew Justin when he was with his mother, and seeing him now,” she breathes, “he’s a totally different kid. He’s so much happier, much more carefree. You and your family adopting him is the best thing that could’ve happened.”</p>
<p>“Thank you,” Lainie whispers. She sucks in a deep breath, pulling a free hand away to wipe at the corner of her eyes. “Sometimes the days are so difficult and I can only hope to get him through and pray he falls asleep safely. When I - Matt and I always wanted more than one child, but my health prevented it. And now I have these two beautiful, wonderful boys, and Justin needs me so much more than Clay ever has. I can’t help but feel like I’m failing him or doing something wrong.”</p>
<p>Carolyn pulls a pack of tissues from her purse, smiling as she hands one over. “All Justin ever wanted was stability and love. I think you feel like it’s so difficult because you’re so used to having one child. Goodness knows the last few years have been tumultuous for all of our children, but Lainie, those worries that you feel you’re failing him? I feel like that every single day with both my boys.”</p>
<p>“How do you make it feel better?” Lainie asks, a whisper amongst the consistent beeping of the monitors. “I grew so used to having to worry about one child. Sixteen years of just one baby to worry about, and now I have two, and I love them more than I could ever express, but I often feel I’m being pulled in two different directions. And my sons are best friends. I couldn’t imagine them having two different friend groups.”</p>
<p>Carolyn smiles, dabbing at her own eyes with a corner of a tissue. “I remind myself that I’m human,” she says simply, laughing wetly. “There are days where Alex needs me more than Peter, and days where Peter needs me more than Alex. My heart will always worry about both of them an equal amount, but I focus on who needs me more in that moment.”</p>
<p>Lainie sniffles, dabbing the tissue at her nose. “Justin is obviously the one who’s going to need me more, but Clay… he watched his brother get stabbed. He pushed Seth off before it got worse. He’s going through far more than any of us realize, and I want to be sure he has the proper help.”</p>
<p>“And you will,” Carolyn whispers, a hint of a smile ghosting over her face. “Lainie, honey, you’re going to get both of your boys through this. You will get Clay the help he needs, and Justin will get the best care possible to recover. It may seem difficult now, maybe even impossible, but Lain, if anyone can get these boys through it, it’ll be you and Matt.”</p>
<p>Lainie’s lips press into a smile, eyes crinkling as she cries again. “Thank you,” she whispers, attempting to compose herself. “I shouldn’t keep you any longer. You have your family to get home to.”</p>
<p>“They understand,” Carolyn promises, standing up and straightening out her scrubs. “I’m working tomorrow at 8. I’ll stop in on my break to see how you’re doing. Please don’t hesitate in texting me if you need anything at all. I mean it, Lainie. Let us help where we can.”</p>
<p>Lainie stands to hug her, nodding against her shoulder. “Thank you for everything. It means more than I could say.”</p>
<p>“Always,” Carolyn smiles, pulling away. “Get some sleep. Justin is in great hands. Liza is the best, she’ll treat Justin like he’s her own. And your babies will need you to be rested for the upcoming days.”</p>
<p>Lainie nods, forcing a smile. She watches as Carolyn crosses the room, looking at Justin’s monitors before running her hand down his arm. She returns, grabbing her things, and gives Lainie’s hand one last squeeze before excusing herself from the room.</p>
<p>Lainie takes her time changing in the bathroom, wiping her makeup off and staring at herself in the mirror.</p>
<p>She feels as if she’s a different person. Before the attack, and after the attack. The last few hours have felt like years, sinking in quicksand deeper than they ever have before.</p>
<p>They will get out of it. Inch by inch, hour by hour, they will get through this.</p>
<p>She would make sure of it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you so much for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! i'm so glad you guys are enjoying this story :)</p>
<p>next chapter will focus more on Clay's recovery/Justin's recovery, this was more just a filler chapter to get us to the next point.</p>
<p>i can't wait for you to read more! see you next Friday :)</p>
<p>title of the chapter is from Safe Inside by James Arthur :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. silence on the sidelines as the world moves on</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Lainie remains strong by Justin's bedside, Clay grapples with the aftermath, and Matt immerses himself in Justin's past.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Elevated temperatures are normal, Mrs. Jensen,” Liza said, adjusting the IV settings and checking Justin’s vitals. “This is no cause for concern right now. Justin is doing well, given the circumstances.”</p>
<p>Liza’s calm demeanor is comforting to Lainie, who was awoken just after three in the morning to Justin’s monitors beeping wildly. She scrambled up, tossing her hair into a bun and crossing the room at a feverish pace in hopes that she could magically fix things with just her touch.</p>
<p>Liza stepped in with a calm smile and expertise that Lainie could only hope to have, fiddling with the monitors and Justin until the beeping steadied. “His pulse was a little elevated. Nothing to worry about,” she promised, and Lainie, who had been so accustomed to press for more complete answers, nodded and thanked her quietly.</p>
<p>“Is he trying to breathe on his own?” she asks, brushing her fingers through Justin’s hair.</p>
<p>She watches Liza adjust one of his IV lines, smiling. “Not quite yet. We still have him heavily sedated,” she replies. “But if he trends in this direction, they could start the process tomorrow.”</p>
<p>It’s enough for Lainie, who thanks her quietly and reaches forward to brush her fingers through Justin’s hair. “I’m still here, love. Everything’s okay. You’re going to be okay,” she whispers. “Dad and Clay will be back in the morning, and we’re all ready for when you’re ready to come back to us.”</p>
<p>Holding his hand and brushing her fingers through his hair, Lainie counts the breaths. Up and down, slow, methodic, a comforting sound in the greater scope of things. Lainie watches his chest, almost convinces herself that Justin’s eyes move under his lids, and then leaves a kiss to his forehead before reluctantly walking back to the makeshift bed on the chair in his room.</p>
<p>Sleep doesn’t return easily, and when it does, she dreams of Justin as a little boy running through the backyard playing tag with Clay as if he had been their son and brother his whole life.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>Walking into their home felt like stepping back in time. Yesterday’s mail was carelessly tossed on the kitchen counter, dishes from breakfast rested in the sink, waiting for the now clean dishwasher to be unloaded so they could be loaded in.</p>
<p>Matt sets Clay’s backpack in the laundry room, watching his son walk through the house and sit on the sofa in the living room. Giving them both a moment, Matt takes his time placing the mail in the bin for Lainie to sort through, washing his hands and pulling a takeout menu from the bottom drawer.</p>
<p>“I was thinking we could just order pizza for dinner,” Matt begins, announcing his presence in the room. “I know it’s late, and I’m sure we have some canned soup to heat up if you’re not feeling up for takeout, but I thought pizza just feels comforting right now.”</p>
<p>“Justin’s at risk for another seizure,” Clay replies, looking up from his phone. “Because of the bleeding on his brain, he could just have another seizure at any moment. Of course, having a fever doesn’t help lessen the chances.”</p>
<p>Matt suppresses a sigh, sinking onto the sofa beside his son. “Clay, have you been researching Justin’s injuries?”</p>
<p>Clay ceremoniously locks his phone, setting it on the coffee table and wiping his palms across his jeans. “Just the brain bleed. The subdural hematoma,” he clarifies, looking back to his dad. “Pizza sounds great. I don’t care what toppings.”</p>
<p>“Clay,” Matt says, pausing. Dinner is long forgotten about, at least in his mind. “While your mother and I understand your concern for your brother, I don’t think it’s a wise choice to be googling his diagnoses and potential outcomes of these conditions.”</p>
<p>“Justin is on an anti-seizure medication. The doctors are monitoring him very closely, and he’s having scans every day to be sure that the bleeding is subsiding,” he continues, understanding his son’s need to understand more of his brother’s condition. “While there are faults with anti-seizure medication, and it’s not guaranteed to stop all seizures, this is a necessary risk we have to take to be sure we’re stabilizing your brother’s condition as best we can.”</p>
<p>Clay nods, blowing out a breath. He reaches for the takeout menu in Matt’s hands, flipping through. “Is his brain injury going to be like Alex’s?”</p>
<p>Matt studies his son. “We don’t know,” he admits. “The brain bleed isn’t significant, but we need to wait for Justin to wake up to fully assess how he’s going to recover from his injuries.”</p>
<p>“Let’s get sausage and peppers on our pizza. Justin hates it, so we should probably have it when he’s not here so he doesn’t complain about it,” Clay says, folding the menu up and placing it back in his dad’s lap.</p>
<p>The constant switch of topics took Matt’s breath away. He watches Clay, composing his thoughts carefully before speaking again. “Clay, would you like to talk more in depth about what’s happened? Or what will happen in the future?”</p>
<p>Clay looks back to him, blinking. “I don’t think so,” he decides after a moment. “Justin got stabbed, we have to wait for him to wake up to know anything, and then we’ll figure it out from there. What else is there to know?”</p>
<p>“Clay, just because Justin is injured and will be in the hospital for the next little while doesn’t mean that your health comes second. What you saw this afternoon must’ve been difficult to grasp and go through. Your mother and I can’t imagine what you’ve been through the last few hours, and we want to help you just as much as we want to help Justin.”</p>
<p>Clay takes a breath. Staring straight at the mantle that holds photos of he and Justin over the last year and a half, he interlocks his fingers and pulls them apart methodically. “Justin didn’t have time to react,” he eventually says quietly, eyes trained on the photos. “He was trying to fight back, but the man is so big. Did you know how tall he was?”</p>
<p>“I did not,” Matt replies dutifully, shifting so he could face his son.</p>
<p>“He had Justin pinned down. And then he was punching him and hitting him. I don’t even know where he got the knife.” Clay stops. Taking a breath. Matt watches him pinch his hospital bracelet to his wrist, twisting. “He just held it above him and stabbed Justin without stopping. Just into his skin, then out, then back in. Three times.”</p>
<p>“That must’ve been difficult to watch.”</p>
<p>Clay turns to Matt, crystal blue eyes shining when he finally makes eye contact. “I don’t know if I made him pull the knife out of Justin’s stomach when I pushed him off, or if he had already pulled the knife out of Justin before I pushed him off.” He stops himself, staring down at his lap. “If the knife was still in him, that would’ve made things worse, right? That could’ve made the internal bleeding start?”</p>
<p>Matt reaches out, placing his hands on his son’s. “You didn’t make anything worse, Clay,” he promises, but it feels empty and doesn’t look like it registered on Clay’s face. “If you didn’t stop him, who knows how many more times he would’ve stabbed your brother. And then things would’ve been worse.”</p>
<p>“How do they get worse?” Clay asks, voice breaking. He sucks in a breath, ducking his head. “Justin could’ve died today. His brain is bleeding, he has stab wounds. Dad, he can’t even breathe on his own. I didn’t - he’s been through a lot his whole life, but this has to be the worst thing, right? And it’s my fault. His mom, her boyfriends, all of that was horrible, but he was never hurt like this because of them.”</p>
<p>“Clay,” Matt interrupts, squeezing his son’s hand. “Justin is in the hospital right now not because of you, but because of Seth.”</p>
<p>“Don’t -”</p>
<p>“I know, I won’t say his name again,” he promises. “But Clay, you have nothing to do with the reason why your brother is in the hospital. One of his mother’s boyfriends is the reason he’s in the hospital. You’re the reason he’s alive.”</p>
<p>When Clay doesn’t respond, Matt continues. “Your brother will think the same, Clay. Do you believe that Justin will blame you for what’s happened to him?”</p>
<p>Clay blows out a breath. “No,” he concedes. “But Justin is going to blame himself.”</p>
<p>“That’s a problem for your mother and I to worry about,” Matt replies immediately. His words are firm, hands resting gently in his son’s. “The blame doesn’t rest on either of you. The blame for this heinous crime and assault rests solely on the man who attacked a child for reasons we don’t yet know. And we will be sure to make sure that when we get to the bottom of why he did this, he will be prosecuted to the fullest extent.”</p>
<p>“Where is he now?”</p>
<p>“In jail,” Matt says, brushing his thumbs across his son’s fingers. “Being held on bail for a sum that, frankly, should be unobtainable for him. Charges are pending, and Deputy Standall will let us know when the formal arraignment is.”</p>
<p>Clay pulls his hands away. “I want to go. To the arraignment.”</p>
<p>“Clay…”</p>
<p>“No, Dad,” Clay says, standing up and pacing in front of the coffee table. “I want to be sure that they’re charging him for everything they did to Justin.”</p>
<p>Matt sinks back against the pillows. “I will speak to your mother about it,” he resigns, which seems to be enough for Clay. “I’m going to order dinner. Why don’t you go get changed?”</p>
<p>Clay looks down, his t-shirt stained with his brother’s blood. Matt had noticed it all afternoon, staring at it for long stretches in the emergency room while his eldest flipped through topics at a frantic rate, and wondered just how much of the blood was on his son’s hands that he didn’t have a chance to see, distracting himself when the thought made him sick.</p>
<p>Numbly, Clay nods. He stops his pacing, turning back and disappearing upstairs to his and Justin’s room without another word.</p>
<p>Matt ordered the pizza, taking his time with unloading the dishwasher and throwing a load of laundry in. He glances out to the backyard, a half finished outhouse lit by the lights he strung through the trees in the backyard. They spent months working through blueprints and designs for the outhouse for both boys, a teenage space that would give them the room without having to have separate bedrooms. They agonized over whether or not to give the boys their own shower (they decided against it, Lainie making her case to her husband that if they gave the boys a shower they would never see them), had spirited conversations on if the boys really needed their own fridge (Justin and Clay made a PowerPoint presentation making their case, resulting in them winning the argument), and listened to the bickering of whose side was who and what colors they wanted to use.</p>
<p>They spent days brainstorming names, until Matt teasingly called it the outhouse and it stuck. “I like the name,” Justin said over dinner one evening. “It sounds like the 1800s, except those outhouses were much worse.” Lainie laughed and nudged the vegetables closer to him, smiling when Clay reluctantly agreed that the name was fine.</p>
<p>For Justin, the whole process was exciting. He spent hours on the weekend going through paint and what posters he wanted to hang. Lainie reveled in going to home stores and looking through curtains and blankets and furniture, the prospect of having a permanent space for the first time overwhelming for Justin.</p>
<p>Now, two months before the contractors planned to be completely finished with the conversion, Matt didn’t know when both boys would be able to move into the space. For Clay, certainly he’d be able to move in right away. Get settled in, make his space in the outhouse his own.</p>
<p>Matt just didn’t believe his son would want to. Not without his brother.</p>
<p>Clay returns when the pizza arrives, eating at an alarming pace before declaring he was finished. “I’m going to shower. I can’t stop feeling Justin’s blood on me.”</p>
<p>He leaves the room before Matt can talk him through the statement, footsteps disappearing up the stairs and the water turning on a moment later.</p>
<p>Tossing the clothes into the dryer, Matt busies himself by settling in his office. In the bottom drawer of his filing cabinet, locked away from where Justin and Clay would stumble upon it, lives a summary of Justin’s CPS file. After almost a year of Justin living with them and three months of the adoption being official, Matt hadn’t read one word in that file.</p>
<p>Lainie had summarized enough, the long, agonizing conversations filling their discussions late at night long after both boys had been asleep. He remembers the first few weeks of beginning the adoption process, where Lainie poured over the summarizations of CPS visits and reports from concerned adults in Justin’s life, openly weeping at the abuse the young boy had had to endure.</p>
<p>“There are countless reports. Teachers, friends’ parents, doctors in the ER when he would be taken for an injury,” she rattled off, reaching across her body to pull the box of tissues from her nightstand. “Just last year, the school nurse called to file a report after Justin was sent to her dazed and confused in math class. She suspected an untreated concussion, and the bruising on his chest also worried her,” she spoke quietly, voice shaking with each word. “They have noted that Justin said it was from the seatbelt. His friend slammed on the brakes in an effort to not hit an animal that ran across the road.”</p>
<p>Matt glanced over his glasses, eyebrows raising. “The nurse didn’t believe that, did she?”</p>
<p>Pulling her lip between her teeth, Lainie shakes her head. “She noted that she was an emergency room nurse for 23 years before, and Justin’s explanations didn’t line up to the injuries she observed. She told Justin she would strongly suggest going to the emergency room to be examined, but Justin told her the injuries weren’t serious and he’d be fine.”</p>
<p>The nightly recounts of reports and filings that Lainie would summarize was enough to make Matt sick to his stomach. Fearing that he’d act out of rage on the people who were supposed to protect this child, Matt refused to read the file despite Lainie’s numerous attempts to get him to do so, insisting that it’s important for him to know what things their child has been through.</p>
<p>Tonight, while his oldest showers for the longest period of time he ever has and his wife sits by their youngest son’s bedside in the Intensive Care Unit, Matt swallows his fears and unlocks the bottom drawer, pulling the manilla folder out and setting it on his desk.</p>
<p>Many pages are photocopied, a copy of the photo they took of Justin the first time CPS visited staring back at him when he finds the courage to open it. Unruly mop of light brown curls rest on his head, falling into his eyes. He looked tired, bags under his eyes and a neutral expression on his face as he stared at the camera. There’s a cut on his chin, but Matt suspects the injuries are unable to be seen.</p>
<p>Pausing, Matt gives himself a moment to compose himself before continuing to read further.</p>
<p>Almost every year of his life comes with a CPS file. Broken bones, unexplained reasoning as to how it could’ve happened. Welfare checks called in by neighbors. Teachers reporting Justin missing school, citing that he was ill. He was taken away from Amber a handful of times, but not because of injuries or concerns people had reported.</p>
<p>He was taken once because Amber was arrested for outstanding tickets she hadn’t paid. Another time he was removed was after a drug raid in the home he and Amber had been living in. He was returned 48 hours later, the police report stating that they had no probable cause to tie Amber to the drug sales being done in secret from the home.</p>
<p>Matt wasn’t a man of rage. He rarely acted on his emotions, preferring to deal with the issues once he’s had a chance to have the whole picture. It was how he and Lainie complemented each other - Lainie, with her swift actions and fierce demeanor, and him, with his careful words able to diffuse any situation.</p>
<p>But right now, as he flips through the summaries of his son’s CPS file, he’s filled with white-hot rage. He wants to seek out Amber, pressing her against the wall until she comes clean as to why his son is laying in the hospital at the hands of Seth Massey. He wants to ask her why she never put her son first, why her addiction and never ending wheel of boyfriends always seemed to be more important than getting her son to school or keeping him out of harm’s way.</p>
<p>He stops at the more recent accounts, Seth Massey’s name in bold at the top of the page.</p>
<p>
  <em>At approximately 5:45 p.m., Seth Massey held the victim against the wall by his throat, cutting off his airway. Victim never lost consciousness, but reported being short of breath and generalized chest pain. Victim was evaluated by EMTs at the scene and released into his mother’s custody.</em>
</p>
<p>Matt looks back at the date. Six months prior to him hiding in Clay’s bedroom. Three days prior to him leaving town, becoming homeless.</p>
<p>His CPS file spanned from the age of 5 to 17, and not one measure to help had proven to be permanent. Justin was always returned to his mother’s care, sometimes after a few days, once after a few weeks. Matt wasn’t naive - even without Lainie’s recounts of the cases she’s been involved with, he knew the system wasn’t set up for success. The system did not favor children’s best interests, and especially not a boy like Justin - who had grown up under the care of a drug addict who did not put his best interests first.</p>
<p>He closes the folder, filing it back away and locking the cabinet. Sitting at his desk, staring at the photo Lainie had framed of the four of them in front of the courthouse on the day of Justin’s adoptions. The smiles, the papers signed by the judge being held proudly by Justin.</p>
<p>That day had been perfect. Blue skies, warm weather on the brink of fall just before both boys began senior year. After a back and forth conversation, Lainie agreed to only have a cake back at home with Justin. Still growing used to celebrating mundane things, he insisted that having a party with friends and close family he’s already met would just feel overwhelming.</p>
<p>The ceremony was largely a formality. Matt can remember so vividly sitting beside Justin, listening to him stand and speak to the fact that this was the best day of his life. He remembers the tears welling up in his eyes, the feeling that overcame him when the judge approved the adoption. He doesn’t think he'll ever stop feeling the way Justin crashed against his chest, the first real hug he allowed Matt to give him with no hesitation.</p>
<p>And now, three months and four days post-adoption, he sits in his office with a dull ache behind his eyes and tear tracks staining his face, his wife at the hospital with that same son as he fights for his life.</p>
<p>It’s a cruel world, Matt knows. He just wishes his 17 year old son had one brief moment of reprieve from it all.</p>
<p>He listens to the shower shut off, the footsteps trail across the hallway upstairs. He texts his wife for an update, disappointed with her reply.</p>
<p>
  <em>No changes, which is good news. They’re keeping him sedated and comfortable. Liza, the night nurse, is great. Very sweet. She says he’s doing great all things considered, it’s just a waiting game. Dr. Holden stopped in before she left and let me know there would be addiction specialists on standby when we get to that point. But I’m not vetoing whatever drugs they want to give him right now, whether he’s awake or asleep. I don’t want our son in pain. If that means narcotics, then we’ll do it and deal with the consequences later.</em>
</p>
<p>Matt types and retypes, the passion behind his eyes. He agreed with wanting their son comfortable, but at what cost to his health?</p>
<p>
  <em>Let’s take this one day at a time. I’m pleased to know that we have addiction specialists ready to help, but I just want him awake first. We’ll take it minute by minute. Justin’s comfort is top of the list with his overall health. While I’m hesitant to agree to narcotics, the last thing I want is Justin to be in pain. We’ll just have to work closely with the doctors to find the perfect dosage while being mindful of his sobriety. We will get through this, Lain. I love you.</em>
</p>
<p>He stands up, doing one last sweep of the downstairs before retiring to bed. Exhausted from the evening, he can only think about laying in bed and trying to sleep, counting down the hours until they’re allowed back to see Justin.</p>
<p>What he isn’t expecting to find is Clay curled up on Lainie’s side under the blankets fast asleep.</p>
<p>His heart swells and then shatters, and he just barely makes it to the bathroom before he starts crying, quiet, muffled sobs as he covers his mouth with his hands.</p>
<p>His oldest, traumatized by the assault against his brother that he witnessed and put an end to. Endless conversations, admitted guilt, and Matt didn’t know one thing he could do that would make it go away. There were no words that would make things better for Clay, at least not magically.</p>
<p>His youngest, seven miles away in the Intensive Care Unit at the hospital after an attack so inhumane and gruesome that Matt could only think to fight back with his fists, his wife sleeping diligently by his side.</p>
<p>It was a day of nightmares. A day Matt wouldn’t wish on his worst enemy. And now, sitting on the floor in his bathroom, all he can do is pick himself up and look at himself in the mirror, begging for the strength to get his family through this.</p>
<p>He falls asleep that night with his son by his side, his even breathing a reminder that this was far from over.</p>
<p>The fight was just beginning.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Tuesday.</strong>
</p>
<p>Hospital time was hard to describe.</p>
<p>For Lainie, it felt like days had passed in the span of 15 hours. The sun fell and then rose again, bright flares casting across the floors of the floor in Justin’s room.</p>
<p>They had made it through the night. Justin was stable. Liza entered with a tired smile and kind words every hour for vitals check, assuring Lainie that Justin was doing well and everything looked to be on track for what they could have expected.</p>
<p>She says a good morning to Annie when her shift begins, spends a split second in the bathroom brushing her teeth and pulling her hair into a ponytail, and wills herself to get through the day.</p>
<p>She’s not expecting to walk back into Justin’s room to Bill Standall there, a familiar backpack in his hands and a timid smile on his face. “I texted, but I wasn’t sure that you saw it. I’m sure your phone is the last thing on your mind,” he says, hovering the doorway. “I had to bring a suspect in for evaluation, and this was on my desk this morning.”</p>
<p>Lainie looks back at the bag, bile rising in her throat. “Justin’s…”</p>
<p>“Yes,” he mumbles, sighing. Subconsciously, he moves it to rest behind his leg, shielding her from it. “I can toss it, if you want, but didn’t want to just do it without your knowledge.”</p>
<p>“That’s Justin’s backpack.” Clay’s voice cuts through the tension, Bill turning back to look at him.</p>
<p>Lainie takes a breath, looking to her husband before taking a step forward. “We’ll keep it. See if there’s anything in there he’ll need in the future, and then just toss it when we’re ready,” she says, voice even as she takes the bag in her hand. “Thank you for bringing it here, Bill. Although it was unnecessary to go out of your way, we appreciate it.”</p>
<p>A polite smile crosses his face. “It was no trouble at all,” he promises, casting a quick glance to Justin. “Please, let us know if we can bring you anything. I certainly understand how difficult life in the ICU can be. Don’t hesitate in reaching out.”</p>
<p>Matt nods. “Thank you, Bill. We’ll be sure to let you know if we need anything,” he promises, walking back into the hall with Bill when he announces he needs to get back downstairs, understanding the family’s need for privacy.</p>
<p>Clay makes his way to the side of Justin’s bed, and cautiously, Lainie walks over to the sofa where she spent the first night, setting Justin’s backpack on it.</p>
<p>She remembers the day she bought it, Justin dragging behind her. He felt awkward about the outing to go shopping for new clothes and necessities, insisting multiple times that what he had was fine, and he’d use what Clay didn’t for other things. But, knowing his history and uncertain upbringing, Lainie stressed the importance of owning things that were solely his, and not someone else’s.</p>
<p>Justin had picked a blue backpack, plain and just big enough to carry the necessities from class to class. He pulled it off the rack, holding it in his hands and casting a nonchalant shrug, announcing it was the one he wanted.</p>
<p>Lainie bit her tongue, not wanting to bring up the fact that it was already the cheapest backpack there, and was 60% off. She figured Justin didn’t want the embarrassment.</p>
<p>Now, she stares at the bag. It’s clear that it had been tossed off in the attack. The top strap had been ripped, the arm straps torn and fraying away from the backpack. There were pulls in the fabric, scuff marks along the front pocket, and a hole ripped just at the base of the backpack in the bottom corner.</p>
<p>She tries to find the comfort in seeing the backpack she hadn’t even thought of, like how there’s no blood on it and the contents inside seem mostly intact at a quick first glance. But all she feels is this emptiness, the heartache ripping through her as she slowly comes to terms with the last 15 hours and how her son who had never once been given a break in his life was now dealing with a new issue.</p>
<p>She sucks in a breath when Matt returns and rests his hand on her shoulder, handing Lainie a bagel and a coffee. “I’ll take it down to the car as soon as we’re finished eating,” he murmurs, staring at the backpack and taking a step back. “We don’t need to go through it now, or anytime soon. We can do it in our own time.”</p>
<p>Lainie nods, holding the bagel in her hand, focusing her eyes back to her husband.</p>
<p>“I know eating is probably the last thing on your mind, but you need to get something in you,” he whispers, kissing the top of her head. “How did the night go?”</p>
<p>Lainie watches as Clay occupies the seat beside Justin, reaching forward to take his hand. “He did okay. Stable, and Liza said it was everything they could’ve hoped for for him.”</p>
<p>Lainie dutifully sips the coffee, unwrapping the bagel as Matt breathes a sigh of relief. “How was last night?”</p>
<p>Matt, who had been hesitant to tell his wife about the updates he worked through at home, leads Lainie over to the table to sit down. “We had… Clay is processing all of this.”</p>
<p>Lainie stills, setting her coffee down on the table. “What do you mean by that?”</p>
<p>She watches her husband, eyes flicking between their sons and back to her, and forces herself to take a bite of her breakfast. “He wants to talk about everything and anything. He’s acutely aware of Justin’s injuries. He was telling me about an increased risk of seizures because of the brain bleed. He would go between topics at lightning speed,” he says, sighing. “One minute he’d be telling me what toppings we should get on our pizza, and the next minute he’d be asking me if Justin’s brain injury would make his recovery similar to Alex’s.”</p>
<p>A beat of silence. Lainie forces another bite, and Matt gathers his thoughts.</p>
<p>“Clay slept in our bed last night,” he says quietly, taking a sip of his coffee. “He thinks it’s his fault Justin is injured. He thinks he could have done more to stop things.”</p>
<p>Lainie turns to look at him. “You assured him that wasn’t true? That he did everything he could?” Her voice is quiet, urgency laced over her words. “Matt, the witness statements back up that argument. He couldn’t have done anything more than what he did.”</p>
<p>“I told him that,” he promises. “Lainie, our son witnessed a traumatic event. He watched his brother almost die, and in the end, he’s most likely what saved him. We’d be naive to think that this recovery is only going to involve one of our sons.”</p>
<p>Lainie shakes her head, taking a sip of her coffee. “I never thought this recovery was going to be just about Justin,” she says sharply, looking back to her husband. “But Matt, you and I both know that at the end of the day we need to approach Clay’s recovery the same way we’re going to approach Justin’s recovery.”</p>
<p>“He needs to see Dr. Ellman,” Matt fills in, relieved when Lainie nods in agreement. “I debated calling him, but right now, Justin needed to be our top priority.”</p>
<p>“They both need to be our top priority,” Lainie clarifies. “Let’s give it a few hours. I will call him later to see if we can get Clay in as soon as possible.”</p>
<p>Their conversation is cut short by Dr. Holden, who walks into the room with a smile on her face as she reads through Justin’s chart. “All things considered, Justin had a great night,” she announces, looking between the three of them. “His temperature is slightly elevated this morning, but his vitals are stable and I’d like to begin the process of weaning him off of the ventilator.”</p>
<p>Lainie looks back to her son from the foot of the bed, imagining seeing his face with one less tube. “How long will that process take?”</p>
<p>“We’ll do what’s known as a spontaneous breathing trial. We aim for 30 minutes at a time, but if Justin can make it two hours, he’ll be deemed fit to breathe on his own, and we’ll remove the ventilator.”</p>
<p>Matt blows out a breath, stepping to stand behind his wife. “What does this mean for his collapsed lung?”</p>
<p>Dr. Holden smiles politely. “While the ventilator did assist Justin’s body in resting and not focusing on all of his injuries, being off the ventilator will be better for Justin’s lung to recover. The chest tube will remain inserted, which will aid the lung in being able to expand and heal itself. We’ll of course be monitoring closely while he stays in the ICU.”</p>
<p>Clay, who had been sitting by Justin’s side holding his hand, manages to find his voice. “When will he wake up?”</p>
<p>Dr. Holden shifts her attention to Clay, smiling. “We’ve begun the process of weaning him off the sedatives. We’ll take Justin for a brain scan in a few minutes, and if all looks okay, we’ll continue the process of weaning him. After they’re removed, it’s a waiting game. It could be a few hours, or it could be a few days.”</p>
<p>She folds her hands in front of her. “The best thing to remember is that Justin’s body has gone through a trauma and has survived a major operation all within the last 24 hours. His recovery may be some give and take. There may be moments where we think things are going well, and Justin takes a step backwards. That’s normal, it’s part of his recovery. I don’t want any of you to be discouraged if things don’t pan out the way we’ve just described, at least not initially.”</p>
<p>Lainie thanks her quietly, stepping out of the way as a few nurses arrive, assisting to move Justin down for the CT scan of his brain.</p>
<p>Clay paces, Lainie watches helplessly, and the sliver of optimism she previously held when she woke up that morning is all but torn to shreds despite the uplifting news they received.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>As a general rule, Lainie has avoided all work phone calls since arriving at the hospital the night before. Her sole focus needed to be on her sons, who were both recovering from vastly different circumstances, and she couldn’t be bothered by faxing details from a civil lawsuit over to her assistant, who has been in every meeting with her prior to this.</p>
<p>But Marcus, a lawyer at her firm with years of experience who immediately caught wind and offered to represent the family pro bono, calls twice within five minutes, and she manages to pull herself away from where she had been sitting by Justin’s side watching the steady rise and fall of his chest to answer.</p>
<p>“I’m so sorry to be calling you, I know I said I would email all details about court hearings and any information we needed,” he begins the call, breathless. “But Amber Foley has requested to speak with you all regarding the incident. She understands she’ll be denied visitation with Justin, but would at least like to speak with you and Matt over the phone.”</p>
<p>Lainie feels as if she’s been punched in the stomach. Gripping the table tightly, she chews on her lip and vaguely acknowledges Matt and Clay walking back into the room after getting some fresh air.</p>
<p>“I’ve already drawn up papers to deny the motion, but this didn’t feel like something that should be dealt with without your knowledge.”</p>
<p>“I appreciate that,” she replies curtly, taking a breath. “Does she know what happened? Does she know that my son was severely beaten, which only stopped when my other son came in and put an end to the attack? Does she know that he’s breathing on a ventilator right now in the intensive care unit?”</p>
<p>Marcus blows out a breath. “She doesn’t know any of that, Lainie. She knows that Seth attacked Justin and Justin is in the hospital. All other information is confidential for the time being.”</p>
<p>“Deny the motion. Deny all future motions that she tries to file unless I say otherwise,” she says, hanging up and looking back at Matt, who’s now standing in front of her.</p>
<p>He guides her to sit down, taking her hands. “What happened? Who was that?”</p>
<p>“Marcus,” Lainie replies, leg shaking as she takes a breath.</p>
<p>“Please don’t tell me Seth made bail.”</p>
<p>Quickly shaking her head, she focuses on her breathing. “Amber requested to speak with us regarding the incident.”</p>
<p>Matt stiffens, dropping her hand. “Absolutely not. There is no chance that we see her right now. Has she lost her mind?”</p>
<p>“I agree,” Lainie nods. “I don’t know why she thought we would agree to this, but there is no way that we tell Clay she tried to get in touch.”</p>
<p>They look back to Justin’s bed, where Clay is talking quietly and holding his hand, and remind themselves that right now, this is the best possible outcome. There is nothing more they could be hoping for or waiting for. Justin is stable, Clay is okay, and together they would get through it.</p>
<p>There’s nothing that Amber could say or do to change that.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>The removal of the breathing tube is traumatic for everyone watching.</p>
<p>After a minute of Clay watching, horrified as Justin gags and coughs around the tube as the nurses start the process while he’s still unconscious, Matt escorts him out of the room. He coaxes him with a walk to the cafeteria to get something for lunch, and to bring something back for Lainie to eat once things have settled down.</p>
<p>Clay is reluctant, insistent that he can stay and be fine and Justin needs him, and then relents, looking towards Lainie. “Just promise you won’t leave his side. I know he’s not awake, but I think he’d want you to be right there.”</p>
<p>“I promise I’m not leaving him,” Lainie says, pressing a kiss to Clay’s cheek as Matt places his arm around his eldest son, steering him out of the room.</p>
<p>Lainie rests her hand on Justin’s leg, brushing her thumb back and forth soothingly. The blanket from Justin’s bed rested to his knees, a sense of comfort and home Lainie hoped would help when he woke up.</p>
<p>Motherly instincts kicking in, Lainie wants to tell them to stop. She wants to tell them that this is traumatic, that his constant gagging and coughing is worrying, especially when his lung is collapsed and his ribs are broken. But she stops as the nurses continue praising him, focusing on Justin and what he needs, and when the tube is out and Annie is suctioning out his mouth before holding the oxygen mask over his face, Lainie almost feels the sense of relief wash over her.</p>
<p>“He did great, Mrs. Jensen,” Annie praises, wiping Justin’s face carefully before fastening the oxygen mask. “His vitals are back to stable, and he’s breathing on his own.”</p>
<p>Lainie relaxes, if only slightly. “What comes next?”</p>
<p>Annie wraps up the ventilator and takes another round of vitals. “We’ll continue weaning him off the sedatives, being mindful of his tolerant levels. A lot has happened today, and we don’t want to impose extra stress. Justin will remain on the oxygen for a while, at least until his lung is a little stronger.”</p>
<p>Thanking her, Lainie walks back to his bedside. With his face now mostly free, she brushes her hand across his forehead and down his cheek. “Oh, my sweet boy,” she whispers, perching herself forward carefully to kiss his cheek. With the ventilator removed, it’s apparent how much swelling is under his eye. “We’re all here, Justin. Whenever you’re ready to come back to us, we’re right here.”</p>
<p>Matt and Clay return bearing a sandwich and a bottle of water for Lainie, who removes herself from Justin’s side to eat. “He looks a little better, right?” she says to Matt, who, although despite his nod of agreement, isn’t entirely convinced.</p>
<p>“Somehow being able to see the bruise on his face completely makes this worse,” he whispers, fingers gripping the foot of Justin’s bed.</p>
<p>Clay takes Lainie’s place, picking up Justin’s hand and squeezing. “Okay, so you’re breathing on your own. Now we need you to wake up,” he whispers just loud enough over the monitors for them to hear. “Come on, Justin, we’re all here. That’s all we want.”</p>
<p>Lainie watches, using a tissue to wipe under her eyes. The scene in front of her - her two sons bonded by an unthinkable tragedy, with so many things left unknown, broke her heart and gave her hope at the same time.</p>
<p>A lot had changed in the 18 hours since they first received the call. Justin, while still fighting for his life, was breathing on his own. Clay was okay, his mental health a battle they were going to have to work through in the coming days.</p>
<p>Baby steps. A slide across quicksand, only sinking in up to their ankles. A brief glimmer of hope in what had felt like a dark cloud hanging above them.</p>
<p>Matt’s hands are firm on her shoulders, massaging lightly. “I brought you some clothes, blankets from home to make this place feel a little better,” he whispers, an attempt to make this somehow feel normal. “I got a few texts, from Karen Dempsey and Amara Achola. They’ve expressed their condolences and offered to set up some meals to bring to us with the boys’ friends. At least for right now, so our focus can be on Justin.”</p>
<p>Pressing back against Matt’s chest, Lainie nods. “I’d hate for them to go to all that trouble,” she mumbles, eyes focused on Justin’s chest, which rises and falls much slower than it had while on the ventilator. “But if we’re going to be here for long hours, I don’t think either one of us is going to want to go home and cook.”</p>
<p>With Clay talking quietly to Justin, who doesn’t move, Lainie leads Matt back to the table in the corner.</p>
<p>“I checked my email just after lunch,” she announces quietly, holding her hand up when Matt goes to protest. “I just wanted to see if there was anything else I needed to wrap up. But I was blind copied on an email regarding Seth’s arrest and next steps.”</p>
<p>Matt clamps his mouth shut, pressing his lips into a thin line. “Please tell me he’s still in jail.”</p>
<p>“He is,” Lainie confirms. “They’ve scheduled his arraignment for Friday. It gives the police a chance to interview a few more witnesses to ensure they have all the evidence they need to charge him to the fullest extent.”</p>
<p>“Did they give any inclination as to what they think they could charge him with?”</p>
<p>Defeated, Lainie shakes her head. “I’m optimistic they’ll be able to find sufficient evidence to charge him with attempted murder,” she announces, voice quiet. “With Justin being a minor, and obviously unable to give consent to releasing his medical records, it will be up to us to decide if we’d like Justin’s preliminary medical records to be released to the court as evidence of the assault. To prove that it was serious, that this wasn’t just a minor attack.”</p>
<p>Matt knits his eyebrows in concern. “Are the witness accounts not enough? Are the police reports, our own son’s account of how he saved his brother from being murdered not enough evidence?”</p>
<p>“They are certainly helpful,” Lainie counters, taking a breath. “But if we showed them concrete evidence that Justin was severely injured, it would only make our case stronger.”</p>
<p>“I don’t like the idea of giving our son’s medical records to the courts without his explicit consent,” he decides after a moment. “I know that he’s a minor, that technically we have to be the ones to make the decision and consent for the courts to use his medical records, but he’s 17, Lain. You know as well as I do that if Justin were conscious and alert, you would give him the decision as to whether we allow his records to be used as evidence.”</p>
<p>“Matt -”</p>
<p>“Lainie,” Matt interrupts. “Unless you’re going to declare that you agree with me, that you think we should wait until Justin is conscious, then I don’t know if we can continue having this discussion,” he states. “Will his medical records still be relevant when they begin the trial?”</p>
<p>Lainie relents, pressing her back firmly against the back of the chair. “Yes, they’ll still be relevant,” she nods. “And I hear what you’re saying. I agree that if Justin were conscious and able to make decisions, this would be his choice to make. We shouldn’t change that now just because the circumstances are different.”</p>
<p>Matt nods, looking back to his sons. Clay is on his phone, scrolling through text messages and talking quietly, his free hand resting within Justin’s. “I want Seth prosecuted to the fullest extent as well. I want him to rot in jail for as long as humanly possible, to pay for what he’s done to our son. But I don’t want that justice to be at the cost of revealing our son’s medical information that he did not consent to giving.”</p>
<p>Tearing his gaze away, Matt looks back to his wife. “Justin has had so much of his life ripped away from him. He’s been subjected to abuse and neglect, and who knows what else that we haven’t heard about. I don’t want this instance to be another time where his trust is betrayed. Not now, not after we’ve worked so hard to make sure he trusts us.”</p>
<p>There’s a beat of silence, one where Matt begins to trace patterns against his jeans. “I spent the evening reading through the summary of Justin’s CPS file,” he announces. When he looks back to Lainie, she notices the wetness behind his eyes. “Lainie, I know you detailed a little of what he’s been through when you read the file. I know you warned me that there was so much more going on than we were prepared for. But nothing - he needs to be protected. He needs to feel like he’s heard, that he has a voice to decide what’s best for him. I don’t want to be another reason why he feels like he has people making decisions for him. We’ve been so adamant and careful to promise him that he has a voice in this family and that his opinions matter, and by us making this decision in this moment because he’s otherwise unable, it would take away his power.”</p>
<p>Lainie tilts her head, a sad smile appearing on her face. “You’re right,” she nods, reaching to the center of the table to grab another tissue. “Justin deserves to have a say in his medical records being released to be used against Seth. We will wait and supply his records as additional evidence if he gives consent when he’s awake.”</p>
<p>Matt nods, looking back to his son.</p>
<p>
  <em>When he’s awake.</em>
</p>
<p>“Justin’s warm,” Clay announces, now standing beside his brother. “Can I wipe his forehead off?”</p>
<p>Lainie turns in her chair, smiling. “Sure, honey. There’s a washcloth and a tub of cool water on the tray. Just be gentle.”</p>
<p>She doesn’t think she needs to tell Clay, who nods and turns back to reach for the washcloth.</p>
<p>She watches as Clay rests his thumb on Justin’s chin, carefully brushing the washcloth across his forehead. It’s gentle, and while Lainie can’t hear what Clay is saying as he does so, she can’t help but feel like she wants to cry.</p>
<p>This whole scenario - their one son traumatized, the other fighting for his life - is all so out of place and feels wrong that Lainie doesn’t quite know how they’re going to get through it. All she can think about is insurance claims and making it through the next ten minutes with her youngest son remaining stable.</p>
<p>But watching this, allowing herself to breathe and her shoulders relax, if only slightly, she has hope. Hope that even in the worst of times, even when it doesn’t feel like it’s possible to pull themselves out of this, they’ll somehow make it through these dark days that seem to never end.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you guys for reading/commenting/leaving kudos :) </p>
<p>i'm so glad you guys have been enjoying this :) i can't wait for you guys to read more!</p>
<p>title of the chapter is Cry Today, Smile Tomorrow by Anthony Ramos.</p>
<p>see you next Friday! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. I’d wait for an hour, I’d wait for a year</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Clay meets with Dr. Ellman, Justin has a minor setback and then major progress, and Carolyn helps Lainie navigate the next steps.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Wednesday.</strong>
</p><p>The longest case Lainie ever tried lasted twelve days in court.</p><p>It was a murder for hire case, one of the first she tried on her own at the beginning of her career. There was countless evidence presented by both sides, more witnesses than Lainie argued were even necessary, and at the end of the day, they found them guilty.</p><p>She remembers how exhausted she felt at the end of each night, arriving back to her small studio apartment in Los Angeles with just enough energy to eat whatever she could find in the fridge and fall asleep. Her nightly calls with Matt in the middle of a period of long distance were forgotten about, left with short messages each morning that she would call when the final arguments were presented.</p><p>But even now, 22 years and two children later, Lainie thinks she’d go back to those types of court cases if it meant never having to sit on hold with their insurance company like she had the entire morning.</p><p>It had been 41 hours since Justin had been attacked, and after numerous attempts to iron out logistics with the insurance company, Lainie was positive she was going to pull her hair out.</p><p>Justin had a stable night, although it was hard for Lainie to ignore the growing concern amongst the chatter of attending physicians and neurologists about Justin’s lingering fever. She watched Annie begin her shift by doing a blood draw and a stomach analysis, a kind smile flashing across her face.</p><p>“All standard procedure, Mrs. Jensen,” she had promised, fingers steady as she accessed Justin’s NG tube. “We’re continuing to wean him off the last of the sedative, which will hopefully be completed this morning. It could be that he wakes up this afternoon.”</p><p>She disappeared after asking if Lainie had any other questions, returning only for rounds of vitals and to take Justin for his CT scan just before lunch.</p><p>Matt managed to secure an emergency session with Dr. Ellman that morning for Clay, reminding Lainie with a text as the sun began to rise through the window of Justin’s hospital room. It gave her brief levity, a moment of reprieve to know that while her one son was still fighting, her other son was beginning the steps to start the healing process.</p><p>She spends her time on hold moving to Justin’s side and smoothing the quilt Matt brought from home over his legs, brushing her finger against his cheek just under the nasal cannulas. Watching his chest rise and fall, she reminds herself that being on hold with the insurance company is a small price to pay to know that her son is alive. She dreads to think of the alternative - being on hold to finalize her son’s funeral.</p><p>Solving the insurance claims that are needed for that morning, Lainie hangs up and takes her normal spot next to Justin’s bedside. Taking his hand, she brushes her fingers gently over the scrapes on his knuckles, eyes staring up at the swelling around his eye that finally looks like it’s beginning to clear up.</p><p>“You’re doing so well, my love,” Lainie says, running her hand up his arm. “Whenever you’re ready to come back to us, we’ll be right here. Dad and Clay will be back soon,” she mumbles, eyes trailing back to the chest tube and the various other monitors still covering his body.</p><p>Squeezing his hand, she smooths out the blanket once more. If having Justin wake up meant sitting here and waiting patiently, she was going to do it.</p><p>She’d do anything just to have him back with them.</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>“You did a very brave thing, saving Justin in the way that you did,” Dr. Ellman notes, voice calm and reassuring after allowing Clay to rant about the incident in detail.</p><p>Clay sinks in on himself, shrugging. “I didn’t really save him, did I?” he counters. “Justin’s laying in the hospital barely able to breathe on his own. He has stab wounds and a huge scar from emergency surgery on his stomach, and his brain is bleeding. That’s not… how is that saving him?”</p><p>Dr. Ellman gives him a kind smile, not unlike the ones he’s seen a million times before. There have been so many instances where Clay would see the smile and go off on a rant, exploding as he paced across the worn rugs in Dr. Ellman’s office.</p><p>Today he’s too tired, sinking into himself and making himself as small as possible on the sofa.</p><p>“Clay, if you hadn’t stepped in when you did, it’s likely that the circumstances would be much worse for Justin. While it’s difficult to hear how he’s doing now, the circumstances around his injuries could be much more serious.”</p><p>Clay looks up, narrowing his eyes. “What you’re saying is that he could’ve been dead.”</p><p>Dr. Ellman hesitates, nodding. “It’s likely, yes,” he replies after a moment.</p><p>There’s a beat of silence. Dr. Ellman waits a moment, and then speaks. “Clay, do you blame yourself for what happened?”</p><p>“I blame myself for how bad Justin got hurt,” Clay says immediately. “I blame myself for not stepping in faster, or not calling for help instead of yelling for the neighbors to do it. I blame myself for not forcing Justin to stay awake while we were waiting for the medics.”</p><p>“What do you believe you could’ve done?”</p><p>Clay shrugs. “I could’ve blocked Seth from pulling the knife out, pushed him away when he was only beating Justin up,” he begins, staring at his lap. There’s a pen stain just above his knee, his finger tracing it as he speaks. “I could’ve knocked the knife out of his hand, I could’ve been more forceful or quicker in pushing him off. Then maybe Justin wouldn’t have been stabbed so many times.”</p><p>Dr. Ellman pauses. “You stepped in at exactly the right time. From what I’ve heard, things happened very quickly. You reacted as quickly as your brain could process. I don’t think that’s something to be ashamed of.”</p><p>“It felt like things were moving in slow motion,” Clay replies, grabbing at the pen mark in his jeans. “It felt like someone had slowed down time and I was living in a place that just moved so painfully slow.”</p><p>“Sometimes traumatic incidents can feel like that,” Dr. Ellman agrees. “It’s not that you did anything wrong, it’s just how our brain processes things. But Clay, you did exactly what you needed to do in the appropriate amount of time, and I’m sure once Justin knows, he’ll be very appreciative of what you’ve done for him.”</p><p>Clay stands abruptly, pacing. “But him waking up, him being appreciative. None of that matters if it doesn’t happen,” he says quietly.</p><p>“Clay, do you believe that Justin won’t wake up or get better?”</p><p>Clay stops, staring out the window. A bird lands on the edge of the branch, staying only a moment before taking off again. He takes a deep breath, watches the leaves brush through the wind, and sighs. “I don’t know. I - he just had a tube down his throat. And he still has another tube coming out of his side to let his lung learn to expand again, and another tube down his nose that gives him food and medication because his stomach is so damaged. How do I - how am I supposed to be optimistic or hopeful or whatever other bullshit the doctors keep saying when I look at him and can barely see his face?”</p><p>Dr. Ellman gestures for Clay to sit back down, smiling when Clay reluctantly agrees. “What makes you worry that things will take a turn?” he asks. “When I spoke to your dad earlier, he mentioned that the sedative was being weaned from Justin’s system, and the doctors were optimistic that he could wake up this afternoon.”</p><p>“Yeah, maybe,” Clay shrugs. “He’s just running this fever, and if that gets worse and they have to stop taking the sedative away, then how do I sit there and be optimistic that he won’t have to be intubated again until they get better control of his fever and whatever else is going on?”</p><p>Leaning forward, Dr. Ellman readjusts how he’s sitting. “Clay, do you trust the team that is treating Justin right now? The neurologist, the doctors and nurses in the ICU, his surgeon,” he asks. “Do you trust that they’re making the necessary decisions with Justin’s health in mind?”</p><p>For a moment, everything is quiet and still. The questions run through Clay’s mind, replaying over and over. He thinks back to the ICU, the doctors and nurses coming in and out with light touches whenever they go near Justin, and looks back to Dr. Ellman. “I think they’re doing everything they can to help him,” he resigns, leaning back against the pillow. “They’re always really careful with him and talking to him even when he’s not awake, and I think… I know they’re doing the best that they can.”</p><p>A broad smile crosses Dr. Ellman’s face. “I think that’s a very good place to start.”</p><p>
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</p><p>The last time Matt sat in the waiting room of Dr. Ellman’s office Clay was 14 and had refused going to therapy, insisting that he was getting better. To give Lainie an afternoon of worrying off, he took Clay to his appointment and then to Rosie’s Diner on the way home, indulging in milkshakes and a plate of onion rings between them as Clay admitted that regular check-ins with Dr. Ellman would probably be appropriate right now.</p><p>This time, he’s sitting on pins and needles while he waits for Clay’s session to conclude, the push for him to return not met with arguments or rebuttals from his eldest this go-around.</p><p>He thumbs through emails from colleagues, all offering to take on some of his workload and step in whenever it's needed. All wish him well and hope the best for Justin, and they’ve become too overwhelming to continue reading, let alone reply to.</p><p>He moves back to his text messages, scrolling through his and Lainie’s texts. There’s a variety of photos Lainie’s sent over the last few days. The initial photo, Justin buried under a mountain of tubes and wires, the ventilator breathing for him.</p><p>Another photo, bandages on his forehead removed, more of his face revealed.</p><p>The photo from this morning, the ventilator removed, oxygen cannulas positioned in his nose. The bruising and abrasions now more exposed than they’ve ever been before, which somehow makes it seem more terrifying despite being a good thing.</p><p>
  <em>They drew stomach acid and blood for analysis. They say it’s standard procedure given the circumstances, but I can’t help but worry that there’s something more going on. He’s doing well, just still running a fever. Sedatives are almost removed, which means there’s a chance he could wake up today. Dr. Holden seems optimistic, but I’m trying to be cautious about it. Maybe we don’t tell Clay?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>How is he, by the way?</em>
</p><p>Matt smiles, glancing up at the clock. Twenty minutes remain in Clay’s session.</p><p>
  <em>I think Clay deserves to know updates about his brother provided they’re not detrimental to his mental health. We need to be open about this, as long as Dr. Ellman doesn’t say otherwise. If the nurses don’t seem concerned about the blood draw and stomach analysis, then I think we have the right to believe them.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Clay’s doing relatively well. Slept in his own room last night and got up this morning with no issues. He almost seemed relieved to be seeing Dr. Ellman today. 20 more minutes and then we’ll be on our way to the hospital.</em>
</p><p>He goes back to the photo from that morning, staring. In the hours following the attack, Matt doesn’t think his head has risen above the fog. His mind feels cloudy, reminiscent of days early on in their relationship when he’d go to great lengths to surprise Lainie during their long distance period, constantly trying to outdo himself in the midst of finishing his own Master’s degree.</p><p>In the early days of their relationship, Matt can remember Lainie telling him that she pulled herself through the overload of cases and meetings in a way only she knew how - long hours during the week, and a big glass of wine on Friday evening.</p><p>He remembers laughing, shaking his head as her laugh floated through the phone. The long distance was temporary - only to be while Lainie started her career where she completed her clerkship - but when he hung up the phone that evening, he couldn’t stop thinking about how he wanted this to be a permanent thing.</p><p>He wanted to wake up next to her, to hear her laugh in the early hours of the morning and late at night when they can’t fall asleep. He wanted to drink wine with her in person, holding her close while they watch TV or movies.</p><p>So, instead of studying for his exam in Poetry in a few nights, he packed a bag and drove the six hours to Los Angeles, standing on Lainie’s doorstep with a bottle of wine and a bouquet of lilies in hand.</p><p>He proposed two days later in the middle of Lainie’s studio apartment, celebrating with an expensive bottle of wine they splurged on and a marathon of movies until Lainie fell asleep on his shoulder well past midnight.</p><p>They’d made Friday night their wine tasting nights after moving back to Evergreen and began their life with Clay, a tradition Matt often looked forward to. He’d stop on the way home from work, bringing home a bottle and indulge with his wife on the back patio while the boys went out with their friends.</p><p>Now, as he sits outside his one son’s therapy session while the other lays in a hospital bed, he longs for a Friday night on the back patio with his wife, discussing the news and upcoming events they both had to be at. He missed their conversations about Justin’s football games and basketball season on the horizon. He missed discussing the plans for he and Lainie to go to the garden center to pick up new flowers to try to plant this year, or the extravagant dinners Lainie found on Pinterest and wanted him to try to make.</p><p>He longed for normal. For his son to be out of the hospital. For both of his boys to be healthy. He’d take the bickering between them if it meant this had never happened.</p><p>Instead he spends his remaining time filling out his calendar with goals he had for Justin, unrealistic timelines he hoped they’d be able to make.</p><p>He pockets his phone when the door opens, Clay walking out in front of Dr. Ellman. “Can we go to the hospital now?”</p><p>“Clay did well,” Dr. Ellman steps in, standing just behind Clay. “We discussed what happened, and how to keep moving forward. While I don’t think medication is necessary at the moment, I would like to keep our weekly sessions for the foreseeable future, and I’d like to see him on Friday, if possible.”</p><p>“Of course,” Matt nods, reaching forward to shake his hand. “We’ll keep this time for now for both Friday and next week, and then adjust when Clay is ready to go back to school.”</p><p>He leads Clay out of Dr. Ellman’s office and back to the car. “Have you heard from Mom?”</p><p>“I have,” Matt nods, pulling out of the parking lot. “Justin’s still stable. They’re almost done weaning him off of the sedatives, which would mean he could wake up this afternoon,” he says, pulling into Starbucks. “I know it’s getting late, but I could use some caffeine, and I’m sure your mom would like something that isn’t from a hospital cafeteria. Want anything?”</p><p>“A coffee is fine,” Clay shrugs, pulling out his phone as Matt lines up in the drive-thru. “Dr. Ellman thinks it’s imperative I go back to school soon. To make things more normal.”</p><p>Matt blinks, looking at him. “What do you think about that?”</p><p>He’s met with silence, Clay sighing and pressing his head back against the headrest. “I don’t know,” he admits after a minute, staring straight ahead. “I don’t want to go back to school without Justin.”</p><p>“Clay,” Matt sighs. He pauses, ordering their drinks. “While I understand your apprehensions about returning to school without your brother, the fact of the matter is, we don’t know when he’ll be ready to go back.”</p><p>“And education is important, and I need to go back before I miss too much and fall behind senior year,” he rattles off, as if he had been lectured about it.</p><p>“We’re not worried about you falling behind in school, Clay,” Matt reminds him, handing him his coffee and pulling away. “We understand your worry for your brother, and how you want to be there with him while he’s in the hospital. And while your mother and I are okay with that, we also think it can be detrimental to set up a vigil at Justin’s bedside while he recovers.”</p><p>“We don’t want you to feel that this recovery needs to be led by you. Your brother will appreciate you being there, he’ll appreciate you helping him, but it doesn’t mean it all has to fall to you.”</p><p>Clay’s silent, fiddling with the sleeves of his jacket. “I don’t want him to think that I’m abandoning him if I leave him for a majority of the day to go to school.”</p><p>The words cut through the car, hanging in the air for a moment. Matt’s acutely aware of Clay’s trauma, the fear laced through his words at the thought of leaving his brother alone. Matt, who’s always been known to give steady reassurance and confidence to both of his sons, takes a moment to compose himself.</p><p>“Clay, I want you to realize that Justin will understand that you cannot be by his side all day every day,” Matt begins, but it feels flat. He glances at Clay at a stoplight, taking a moment to regroup. “Justin doesn’t like when we dote over him excessively, and while we’re going to have to give him extra care and assistance through this recovery, I think all three of us will feel overwhelming to him, don’t you agree?”</p><p>Clay pauses, and then nods. “I just… I wasn’t paying attention when he was attacked. And if I leave him for long stretches to go to school or therapy or whatever, I don’t want him to think I’m abandoning him there, too.”</p><p>Matt pulls into the hospital, parking in the parking garage. “Clay, do think Justin will think you abandoned him during the attack?”</p><p>After yesterday’s admission from Clay that he doesn’t believe Justin will blame him, this subliminal message almost feels out of left field. “I don’t want him to think that, but it took me a while to step in.”</p><p>“You stepped in when it meant the most, Clay,” Matt reminds him gently. He gathers his things, unlocking the doors. “Justin is alive because of you, and I don’t think you need to worry about Justin believing you abandoned him. When it meant the most, you were there to keep him alive.”</p><p>He waits a moment, studying the way Clay sinks into the passenger seat, shrugging uncomfortably. “Justin doesn’t always see things the way we do.”</p><p>“Maybe not,” Matt agrees. “But I don’t think there’s much here for him to dispute, kid. You pushed Seth off him, stopping the threat of more stab wounds to potentially hit his vital organs more than they did. You controlled the bleeding long enough for the EMTs to arrive. You did everything to the best of your abilities, and he cannot fault you for that.”</p><p>Clay unbuckles his seatbelt, nodding and stepping out of the car. He doesn’t say another word until the elevator door closes, pressing himself in the back corner. “Are they going to find a way to charge me?”</p><p>Matt furrows his brow, looking back to his son. “Why would they do that, Clay?” he asks, genuine concern laced through his words. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”</p><p>“Seth got hurt, right? His shoulder or something?”</p><p>Matt sucks in a breath. “How do you know that?”</p><p>A noncommittal shrug. A sigh. “I read the news article on the attack. I wanted to see how they were talking about what happened.”</p><p>Matt closes his eyes, giving himself a moment to gather his thoughts. “Clay, your mother and I don’t want you looking up anything related to the incident,” he replies, holding the door of the elevator before stepping out behind him. “They can say what they want, but you did nothing wrong, and there’s nothing that you will be charged with. The legal aspect is over for you and Justin. Next steps are ensuring that Seth is prosecuted to the highest degree possible.”</p><p>He stops outside of Justin’s room, looking back to Clay. “Do you promise that you won’t look at the news articles or research Justin’s injuries and prognosis moving forward?”</p><p>Clay peers over his father’s shoulder, sighing. “I won’t search either of those anymore,” he agrees, and while Matt is aware of the fact that he is agreeing solely so they can go to Justin’s room, he lets it be.</p><p>Clay doesn’t miss a beat, opening the door to Justin’s room and sliding inside, moving to the side of the bed and taking Justin’s hand.</p><p>Lainie smiles, looking at her son. “Hi, sweetheart,” she says softly. When Clay doesn’t reply, eyes instead flicking between Justin’s monitors and his face, she takes a breath. “Justin is weaned off the sedatives.”</p><p>That grabs his attention, head snapping to look at her. “Wait, really? I thought it would take longer.”</p><p>Lainie smiles. ‘They continued to wean him off through the night, and Justin tolerated it well,” she continues. “Annie stopped the last of the sedatives just before you and Dad got here.”</p><p>“So he could wake up now?”</p><p>Matt pulls over a chair, sitting at the foot of the bed. “It’s probably going to take a few hours for the sedative to leave Justin’s system. We can speak with Annie or Dr. Holden later, but I suspect that if he could wake up today, it would be this afternoon or evening. And definitely not instant.”</p><p>For a moment, Clay seems to deflate. The constant back and forth, good steps in the right direction only to have things halted had to be taking a toll. Lainie wanted to stop it, put an end to the uncertainty, but also understood that that would mean leaving Clay out of the loop to certain updates.</p><p>So she swallows every motherly instinct that crosses her mind, looking back to her eldest. “A few hours is being optimistic, Clay. Justin needs time to rest and recover. His body has been through a lot, and this is just the logical next step.”</p><p>Clay nods. He turns back to look at Justin, sighing. Resting his head on his arm on the bed, he squeezes Justin’s hand gently. ‘We’re all just waiting on you now, Justin,” he mumbles, sighing.</p><p>They stay like that for hours, and Lainie doesn’t have the energy to tell Clay to ease off a little.</p><p>
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  </span>
</p><p>“Justin has an infection,” Dr. Holden begins, lips pressed into a thin line as she stands at the foot of the bed with his chart held firmly in her hands.</p><p>Lainie takes a shaky breath, eyes looking between her son and Dr. Holden. “What does that mean?’</p><p>“It’s likely that the infection came from the knife used in the stabbing,” Dr. Holden offers. “We’ve started him on a swift course of antibiotics, the strongest ones his system can handle. We’ve caught the infection early, his vitals are stable and his fever is controlled, and I’m not worried.”</p><p>Lainie nods, letting the information sink in. She reaches forward, taking Justin’s hand.</p><p>“Does this mean it’ll take longer for him to wake up?”</p><p>Clay’s voice cuts through the room, timid and unsure for the first time in this whole process. Matt watches, momentarily worried about the pending deflation his son could feel if Dr. Holden relays news that isn’t what they were searching for.</p><p>Dr. Holden remains stoic, shifting on her feet slightly. “It’s hard to say,” she finally says, looking directly at Clay. “We aren’t inhibiting him from waking up. He’s no longer on the sedatives, and we won’t put him back on one unless the infection worsens and he needs to rest. But we can’t say for sure what Justin will do. He could wake up at any time, or he could remain unconscious. I can’t give you a concrete answer.”</p><p>For a moment, Matt thinks they’re going to watch Clay crumble. He’s been so full of questions, the need to know more information, and this isn’t concrete. It’s not something the three of them can take and run with.</p><p>To Clay’s credit. He doesn’t crumble. He digests the information, nods, and leans back in the chair. “Okay, so we just keep waiting.”</p><p>He earns a smile from Dr. Holden. “We just keep waiting,” she nods. “I’m sorry I can’t give you more than that right now. But Justin is stable, he’s young, and he’s doing well otherwise. This is just a minor bump in the road that will need more addressing and waiting.”</p><p>Matt thanks her, stepping aside to hear more about treatment and further daily testing, wrapping his mind around the logistics. Lainie looks to Justin, standing and leaning forward to brush pieces of hair stuck to his face back, and then turns to Clay.</p><p>“He’ll be okay, sweetheart. This is just a little bump in the road.”</p><p>It sounded far more optimistic than any of them believed.</p><p>
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</p><p>Clay doesn’t move.</p><p>For the next four hours he sits diligently by his brother, occasionally texting their friends, for a brief moment working on homework. Lainie doesn’t question it, instead bringing him snacks and taking a moment to file more insurance papers and speak with Justin’s addiction counselor, getting the contact information for an addiction specialist at the hospital.</p><p>Matt researches infections and medications and Justin’s prognosis, his head spinning with facts and outcomes and far more research than he feels like he ever should have done. He looks back to his son, stable and breathing on his own, and reminds himself that no amount of research can map out Justin’s recovery.</p><p>But he still searches recovering drug addicts and traumatic injuries, preparing himself for the detoxing and withdrawals that are undoubtedly a long ways away.</p><p>He slams his laptop shut and announces he’s going to get dinner, returning to the room a while later with three containers of pasta and drinks. Glancing back to Clay, he sighs. “You can’t eat this by his bedside. Justin is fine, he’ll be okay with you joining your mother and I at the table.”</p><p>Bracing himself for a fight, Matt is momentarily relieved to find Clay compliant, dropping Justin’s hand and brushing his forehead with a washcloth before joining his parents at the table.</p><p>“I don’t want to go back to school until Justin is awake.”</p><p>Lainie looks to Clay, nodding. She thinks maybe it makes her a horrible parent, but school had been so far back in her brain that she hadn’t realized she hadn’t even contacted them to let them know Clay and Justin wouldn’t be there.</p><p>Matt, who doesn’t seem phased by the question, nods and takes a moment to swallow his food. “The school is aware that you two were involved and you’ll need some time away. Not returning until Justin is awake seems like a reasonable request, and one that I’m sure your teachers would be happy to agree to.”</p><p>Clay nods. He takes another bite of pasta, reaching for his drink as he swallows. “And then maybe for as long as he’s in the hospital I could just do half days?” he asks, pushing the boundaries. “You know, the morning one day, afternoon the next. Alternating, so that way I don’t miss too much of one set of classes.”</p><p>While impressed that Clay has seemed to come up with a solution on the spot, Matt glances at his wife. “I think we’ll have to talk about logistics later, when you’re ready to go back to school,” he decides. “Justin may be in the hospital for an extended period of time, and half days may not be feasible. While we’re not worried about you falling too far behind right now, we don’t want to risk it in the future.”</p><p>Clay’s shoulders sag. For a moment, it’s as if he almost expected this counter. He nods, looking back to Justin. “I just don’t want to be gone all day.”</p><p>“We understand, Clay,” Lainie nods, smiling softly at her son. These few days, the emotions the entire family have gone through have felt like too much. Clay, always acutely aware of his brother’s emotions, was walking around lost. He watched a traumatic event, stopped it from being worse, and is paying the price with each day they sit and wait for Justin to make sound progress. “We won’t force you back to school until you feel ready, but your father and I also want to protect you. What Justin is going through, what he may go through in the future, won’t be easy. There are going to be many difficult moments, and we don’t want you to feel that you have to be there for every single step.”</p><p>Clay blows out a breath. Standing, he picks up his container to bring to the trash. “If I leave him in those moments, if I step away when he needs me the most, what kind of brother would I be?”</p><p>Lainie stops him from leaving, reaching out his hand. “No matter what the circumstances are - if you can’t be with him or you feel like you need to step away, even if he needs you - you are still the best brother. There’s nothing that can change that.”</p><p>Clay shrugs, throws his things out and returns back to Justin’s side, taking his hand. “Please just wake up.”</p><p>Lainie has never wanted to give her son something more than right now.</p><p>
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</p><p>The end of visiting hours is a conflicting time.</p><p>Matt often spends the better part of the last hour corralling Clay to start thinking about wrapping things up for the night, that they’re close to being kicked out for the evening and the two of them are going to return home.</p><p>He tries to talk about updates they received from the contractors about the status of the outhouse, hoping that entices Clay to want to go home and see how close they are to finally having their own space to hang out in. He doesn’t think about how Clay won’t want to move out there until Justin’s able to, or that Clay hasn’t been nearly as interested in the planning and building of the outhouse since the beginning.</p><p>They always end up saying their goodbyes in the last few minutes, leaving when Annie comes to do her final vitals check before switching care over to Liza for the night.</p><p>Clay, who has been back at Justin’s bedside unmoved for the last two hours, looks like he’s beginning to lose hope. Matt feels discouraged, knowing that there’s no way they can make this any more comforting for any of them is the most difficult part. He wants to be able to tell Clay that tomorrow they’ll come and things will be better. But that’s not a guarantee.</p><p>They don’t know what tomorrow will bring. They don’t - can’t - promise Clay better days ahead, not with Justin’s prognosis still unknown. They can’t build up hope or encouragement when it’s not always so simple.</p><p>Matt stands to begin gathering his things that he’s left around the room, a semblance of home, when Clay sits up straight, looking at Justin with wide eyes.</p><p>“You better not be fucking joking, Justin,” he says, standing up to look at Justin, where he knows Justin will be able to see him. “Squeeze my hand again, Justin.”</p><p>There’s a pause, and then Justin squeezes again.</p><p>“Cool, can you open your eyes now?” he asks. Lainie moves closer to the bed, a remark about Clay relaxing and letting him wake up on his own time stuck in her throat as Clay squeezes Justin’s hand once more. “Just fucking open them, Justin. You’re going to see me when you open them. Don’t worry about anything else. Don’t freak out.”</p><p>Justin doesn’t open his eyes initially. Clay doesn’t stop, reminding him that he’s safe and he’s here, but it takes a while. “It’s just me, and Mom and Dad are here, too. No one else, I promise.”</p><p>The waiting feels like hours.</p><p>Matt’s breath is caught in his throat.</p><p>Lainie’s hands are clasped together in front of her mouth, eyes brimming with tears.</p><p>Clay is still talking, reminding Justin that it’s fine, that they’re there. He whispers that they have to leave soon, a statement that Lainie disapproves of because it makes it feel like Justin needs to rush this.</p><p>And then Justin’s eyes are open, and it’s as if air fills the room again, and Clay rests his hand on Justin’s cheek.</p><p>“Look at me,” he says, and it’s a little too forceful. Lainie watches with a careful eye, ready to step in.</p><p>Slowly, Justin looks at Clay, taking a breath as he blinks rapidly. His monitors beep and alert the nurses, and Clay seems to take notice.</p><p>“Don’t freak out. You’re okay,” Clay repeats.</p><p>Justin’s eyes are frantic, his hand squeezes Clay’s a little harder, and then he moves his eyes to look at Lainie. “Wh-what…”</p><p>“Hi sweetheart,” she says, taking a step forward and running her fingers along his arm. “Clay’s right, you’re okay. We’re all right here. Dad’s just down there, can you see him?”</p><p>Justin’s eyes flick from Lainie to Matt, who’s moved to the foot of the bed, before settling back on Clay.</p><p>“You’re fine,” Clay repeats more forcefully, not letting go of his hand as Annie speaks softly and takes vitals while paging Dr. Holden.</p><p>“You know who I am, Justin?” Clay asks, not budging as Annie works around him.</p><p>“C-Clay,” Justin stutters, staring at his brother.</p><p>Clay smiles. “It’s me."</p><p>A huge step in the right direction.</p><p>
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</p><p>At the grace of Dr. Holden, visiting hours are extended an extra half hour for the Jensens. They aren’t given much time with Justin, who spends more time asleep than he does awake, but he’s conscious enough for them to perform a preliminary neurological assessment to at least establish a baseline.</p><p>Clay sits in the corner of the room, watching intently as Justin listens to the questions being asked and answers as best he can. The exam feels like hours, and when Dr. Noel, the neurologist completes the exam, he walks back to the table.</p><p>“Clay, you can go sit with your brother,” he says, relief washing over Clay as he walks back to his brother, speaking softly as he sits back down in the chair he’s been sitting in for the last two days.</p><p>Dr. Noel occupies the seat Clay once sat in, reintroducing himself. “While it’s just a preliminary examination, we were able to get a baseline of Justin’s neurological activity.”</p><p>“Justin is suffering from amnesia,” he begins, which does nothing to settle Matt and Lainie’s nerves. “He knows who you guys are and that you’re his family, he can identify most pictures and examples I held up, but he doesn’t remember the attack or anything that happened leading up to it.”</p><p>A setback, but not as bad as Matt and Lainie initially feared.</p><p>“We have no reason to believe this is long term, but his memory may be something that’s affected moving forward. You may tell him something and he may forget what you said. When he’s back up on his feet, he may forget what he was doing or supposed to be doing. But we are in the very early stages. All of this could change in a few hours. We just need to be patient.”</p><p>A deep breath. Shaking hands, a tissue interwoven around her fingers. “What can we do now? To keep him comfortable, or show him that he is okay, that we’re right there.”</p><p>For a brief second, there’s a smile that passes over Dr. Noel’s face. He folds his hands in his lap, leaning back in the chair comfortable. “Do exactly what you were doing when he was unconscious,” he says, which sounds far more simple than it is. “Justin will have headaches, but the medications should help ease that pain. All you can do is be unwaveringly positive. When it feels forced or awkward, add more positivity. He will respond to you having the utmost confidence that he is going to be fine, and reminding him that you’re there is never a bad thing.”</p><p>Adjusting in his seat, Dr. Noel looks back again. “Mr. and Mrs. Jensen, from what I’ve heard, you have been the most attentive and loving parents. Justin is going to need all of that and more, given what he’s recovering from. While this head injury is going to be trying and difficult and I’m sure right now it feels overwhelming. He’s confused, he’s tired, and that’s okay. As long as he knows you’re not worried, everything will be fine.”</p><p>Matt glances back across the room, and then looks Dr. Noel in the eye. “What happens next?”</p><p>“We continue with the brain scans,” Dr. Noel replies. “There’s been a slight positive change, the bleed looks to be dissipating, but I’d like to remain with the almost daily scans until I see a bigger shift. We’ll do neurological exams daily as well, testing Justin’s memory and cognitive ability as he continues to wake up. We’ll manage pain and symptoms as needed, and if we feel that we need more tests, we’ll order them.”</p><p>Lainie feels the tension in her shoulders. She had been on such a high seeing Justin wake up, hearing him say Clay’s name. The high dissipated slightly as Justin sat through the neurological assessment, where he confused a hair brush for a phone and struggled to remember what month it was or why he was in the hospital at all. She was by no means being overly optimistic about this - Justin was clearly uncomfortable and disoriented - but she couldn’t help but deflate at her son’s confusion or what had happened.</p><p>She thanks Dr. Noel politely, shaking his hand and promising that she’ll write down any questions that arise, and returns to Justin’s bed, where Clay shifts his gaze from his brother to her. “He fell asleep while I was talking,” he says, a hint of annoyance behind his words. “I was telling him about our group chat and how they’re all asking about him, and he just fell asleep in the middle of my sentence.”</p><p>There’s a fond smile on Matt’s face. “He’s on a lot of medication, kiddo, and he was subjected to some tests right after he woke up. He’s going to fall asleep at a moment’s notice sometimes. We just have to be patient.”</p><p>Clay nods, resigned, and leans back in the chair. “We have to go, right?” he asks, standing up abruptly. He grabs his bag, shifting his attention back to Lainie. “You’ll sleep near him? In case he needs you?” His anxiety is heightened, folding his hands together as if Lainie would deny his request.</p><p>Lainie blows out a breath, nodding with a smile. “I’ll sleep in the chair tonight, right by his side. If he needs me, I’ll be right there,” she promises, watching her son relax slightly. “Don’t worry about a thing, love. We’ll see you in the morning, okay?”</p><p>“Okay,” Clay nods. He grabs the washcloth, running it over Justin’s forehead once more, and then kisses it gently. “Dad and I will be back in the morning, but Mom is here with you tonight. Love you.”</p><p>He sets the washcloth down, pushing his bag onto his shoulder and walking around the bed to hug his mom.</p><p>“We’ll be okay here tonight, sweetheart,” she whispers against his ear, rubbing her hand across his back. “You just try to get some sleep, okay? We’ll see you right when visiting hours begin.”</p><p>Clay nods against her shoulder, pulling back and allowing Matt and Lainie to say goodbye.</p><p>“If anything happens, or if you need something, call me. I know you two will be fine tonight.”</p><p>Lainie nods, allowing herself to be pillowed in comfort by her husband, who seemed so stoic, so sure. “If anything happens, you’ll be the first to know.”</p><p>Matt nods, kissing Lainie softly before walking over to Justin, brushing his hair back from his hair. “Mom will be here all night with you. You’re going to be okay, buddy. We’re so glad you’re awake,” he whispers, kissing his forehead softly. “We’ll see you in the morning. I love you, kiddo.”</p><p>Lainie watches them leave, taking a moment to change for the evening before returning to Justin’s side, setting her new bed up for the evening.</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>Lainie had grown so accustomed to nurses coming in and out of the room that she didn't even notice Carolyn Standall walking in with a bag full of sweet treats and a smile on her face.</p><p>Lainie stands, hugging Carolyn and opening the box full of cookies from the corner bakery. “You didn’t have to do this, Carolyn.”</p><p>Carolyn smiles, sitting down and taking one for herself when Lainie offers. “I thought you could use a pick me up,” she remarks, looking over to the bed. “A lot has happened since I was here last. He’s breathing on his own, and the smiles I saw on Matt and Clay’s faces as they were leaving this evening must mean good things have happened.”</p><p>Lainie can’t contain her smile, brushing crumbs away from the corner of her mouth. “He woke up,” she whispers, tears forming in her eyes. “He made it about a half hour before falling asleep again, but he was able to get through the neurological assessment and talk for a few minutes with Clay.”</p><p>“Oh, Lainie,” Carolyn smiles, standing up to hug her. For a moment they rejoiced, standing in the middle of the ICU in a tight embrace Lainie hadn’t realized how much she needed. “That’s huge news, Lain. That had to feel good, seeing his eyes and hearing his voice again.”</p><p>Lainie nods, pulling away. “It’s felt like months since we were able to see him with his eyes open,” she whispers, sitting back down. “But his neurological exam was a little deflating. He was confused, and he doesn’t know why he’s here. They said it was a form of amnesia, one that would take time to resolve.”</p><p>Carolyn presses her mouth into a thin line, sighing. “Neurological exams this early are usually misleading,” she offers. “When Alex had his first after waking up, he couldn’t say his name. Now, that’s not to say that Justin won’t have the amnesia or confusion for a while, he certainly could, but don’t hang your emotions on the initial assessment. Further assessments as he continues to wake up and stay conscious are going to prove to be more useful.”</p><p>Lainie nods. “I worry that I’m going to say the wrong thing or not be able to comfort Justin,” she blurts out after a moment, taking a breath. “Clay is just… comforting Justin comes effortlessly to him. I understand why, but as his mother, I should be able to comfort him when he needs me the most.”</p><p>Carolyn reaches for another cookie, a smile appearing on her face. “Justin will just want your comfort. He’s not looking for meaningful or deep conversations, or even you to tell him everything is okay. He wants you to tell him you’re there. You can talk about anything - I used to tell Alex about all of the recipes I’d found that he could try when we were home. Just hold his hand, listen to what he says to you, and go from there.”</p><p>“You’re a fantastic mother, Lainie. You know how to do this. Don’t second guess yourself.”</p><p>Carolyn leaves a few minutes later, a promise to visit again the next time she works. Lainie watches, comforted by her friend's gesture and reminds her that she could contact her should she need anything, and then makes her way back to her son, who’s still sleeping after surprising them all earlier that evening.</p><p>She runs the washcloth across his head and down his cheek, brushing her thumb just under the NG tube and nasal cannula. The bruising under his eye is starting to yellow around the edges, the first signs of healing. Lainie takes in his features - his fluttering eyelashes against his cheek, the warm breath from his nostrils as he breathes shallowly - and thanks God that they were able to make it to this moment.</p><p>“I’ll be asleep right beside you if you need anything. You’re going to be okay, love. I love you.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you guys for reading/commenting/leaving kudos :) </p><p>this story is slower-paced than most things i've written, but Justin will feature more now that he's awake!</p><p>next week's update will most likely be on Thursday instead of Friday since next Friday is Christmas :)</p><p>see you next week!</p><p>chapter title is from OK by Wallows.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. everything’s feeling different now</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Lainie adjusts to caring for Justin, Clay grapples with next steps after Justin wakes as their friends step in to offer support, and Justin has a minor setback.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It doesn’t matter how old your children get, taking care of them while their sick always felt the same.</p>
<p>Lainie had plenty of experience nursing Clay through the worst of fevers. The short bursts of sleep, keeping track of medication schedules and helping her son get comfortable weren’t unfamiliar to her. She had been doing it from the moment Clay had his first cold.</p>
<p>The entire night in Justin’s room following him waking up felt similar to those nights. Lainie felt comforted by the beeping of Justin’s monitors, but sleep eluded her. Justin had woken up a few times, long enough to go through a vitals check and answer basic questions about his pain. He was in and out, mostly listening to Lainie speak, and Lainie feared that he’d wake again and she wouldn’t hear him.</p>
<p>She would drift off only to be jolted awake when a monitor would beep longer than normal. She spent hours watching the rise and fall of Justin’s chest, the twist and grimace of his face on occasion, and almost felt relief when Justin blinked, eyes opening and staring at the ceiling.</p>
<p>She waits a moment, wanting to be sure he’s awake before speaking. And then she stands, smiling when he looks over at her, blinking with wide eyes.</p>
<p>“You okay, sweetheart?”</p>
<p>Justin nods slowly, settling. “Where’s Clay?”</p>
<p>His voice, quiet and hoarse presumably from the ventilator, has never felt so good to hear. Lainie smiles, taking a step forward to the bed. “Clay is at home with Dad. They’ll be back first thing in the morning.”</p>
<p>Lainie looks at him, hesitating when she moves to reach out. “Can I just brush your hair back? It’s sticking to your forehead a little bit, and I think you’ll feel better if it’s off your face.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, blinking blearily as she reaches her fingers out, touch feathery light against his skin. He’s warm, sweat beading around the edges of his face, and Lainie wishes she could do something to help ease his discomfort.</p>
<p>“How are you feeling?” she asks, taking the liberty to use the washcloth against his warm skin.</p>
<p>He leans into her touch, taking a shaky breath. “Don’t know,” he replies quietly. “Throat hurts. Feel weird. Like… high.”</p>
<p>Lainie smiles. “You had a breathing tube, your throat probably hurts from that. You’re on medication to help with your injuries,” she explains quietly. The injuries - and the kinds of medications - can wait until he’s more coherent. “Are you in pain?”</p>
<p>Justin shakes his head, pushing his cheek against the washcloth. “Water?”</p>
<p>“You want water?” Lainie asks, smiling when Justin nods. The relief that brushes through her, Justin answering her coherently, makes her never want to sleep. “We can ask Liza and see if you can have some water.”</p>
<p>Lainie hits the nurse’s call button, smiling when Liza appears in the room.</p>
<p>“It’s nice to see you awake again, Justin,” Liza says softly. “Are you okay with me turning the light on? If not, I can take your vitals like this.”</p>
<p>Justin hesitates, swallowing. “Turn it on,” he mumbles, closing his eyes as it flips on, dimly illuminating the room. “Head hurts.”</p>
<p>“Give it a minute for me, okay? If you still feel bad, I’ll shut it off,” she compromises, working swiftly to take Justin’s vitals. He reaches blindly, grabbing Lainie’s hand.</p>
<p>“Justin asked if he could have water,” Lainie says quietly, looking to Liza.</p>
<p>Liza frowns, listening to Justin’s breathing. “I’ll have to check with the on-call doctor. Right now he’s nothing by mouth, but we may be able to get you some ice chips you can at least have to at least wet your mouth.”</p>
<p>She flips back off the light. “Your vitals are stable. Can you give me a number for your pain?” When Justin doesn’t reply, Liza smiles patiently. “If one is just a little pain and ten is the worst pain you’ve ever felt in your life, what number would your pain be?”</p>
<p>Justin nods, eyes blinking slower as he grows tired once more. “Four,” he says quietly, blowing out a breath. “When I move.”</p>
<p>“It hurts when you move?” Liza asks, nodding when Justin confirms. “We’ll keep monitoring the pain. Let me know if you need some more medicine, okay? And for now, I’ll get you an answer on the ice chips.”</p>
<p>She leaves the room as quietly as she arrived, and Lainie continues brushing his forehead off, talking quietly until Justin’s eyes flutter closed and his breathing evens out.</p>
<p>When Liza returns with the ice chips, she stands in the doorway and smiles. “We’ll try when he’s awake again,” she says, holding the cup in her hands. “You get some sleep, Mrs. Jensen. Justin is fine.”</p>
<p>Lainie leaves a kiss on Justin’s forehead, settling back in her chair. For the first time all evening, she falls asleep quickly, comforted by Justin’s breathing and the monitors beeping.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Thursday.</strong>
</p>
<p>Clay is standing in the kitchen making eggs when Matt arrives downstairs the following morning, walking to begin making coffee for both of them.</p>
<p>“I didn’t expect you to be up making breakfast for the two of us. Did you sleep okay?”</p>
<p>Clay gives a noncommittal shrug. “Have you heard from Mom?”</p>
<p>Matt nods, pulling his phone from the pocket of his jeans. “Justin had a good night. He woke up a few times, but they kept his pain under control and he talked with Mom each time he was awake.”</p>
<p>“But he still has a fever. And an infection.”</p>
<p>Matt locks his phone, setting it on the counter as he stirs their coffee. “He still has the infection and the fever,” Matt confirms. “Clay, you understand that he may have both of those for quite some time, yes? We don’t believe those are going to be things that change for Justin overnight.”</p>
<p>Clay plates both of their breakfasts, nodding. “No, I know. I just thought… he’s awake now, so maybe he’ll start to get better faster.” He carries their plates over to the table.</p>
<p>Matt joins him, setting his coffee beside his orange juice. “Clay, I wish that was true. As much as I wish Justin being awake means that we’ll move him out of the ICU and have him home within the next few days, his recovery won’t be like that,” he explains, taking a bite of his breakfast. “Justin has a long way to go, and it’s going to take time. We just have to be there and be overwhelmingly positive about his recovery.”</p>
<p>Clay nods. They eat in silence for a few moments. Matt’s phone pings with emails, Clay idly answers texts, and then looks up. “Jess, Zach and Ani want to come to the hospital today. They said they didn’t want to overwhelm everyone, and they know they can’t see Justin, but they have things to give us.”</p>
<p>Matt hesitates. He knows that Clay has been keeping their friend group updated as much as possible on Justin’s recovery, leaving out details like the brain bleed and the coma. He’d run his text messages by Matt meticulously over the last two days - while he was driving, before they went to bed, over dinner after long days at the hospital - and the conversation felt particularly rewarding when Matt was able to say it was okay for Clay to tell their friends that Justin was awake. Matt approved all information that was said to their group chat, being mindful of what Justin would want and how Lainie feels.</p>
<p>“They understand they won’t be allowed past the ICU waiting room?” Matt asks, leaning back in his chair. “If you’re okay with wanting to see them today, then I think it’s okay for them to come. Although your mother and I would prefer that they don’t spend all day there. We understand that they want to support both of you, but we don’t want their support to feel unwanted if we don’t come sit with them.”</p>
<p>Clay nods. He types furiously, and then sets his phone down on the table. “I told them they should come after school, and they shouldn’t stay for long since they won’t be able to see Justin anyway.”</p>
<p>Finishing the rest of his breakfast, Matt begins preparing breakfast for Lainie, packaging it and putting his shoes on, met with an eager Clay ready to go.</p>
<p>They ride to the hospital in silence, Clay picking at his fingers. “Clay,” Matt begins, glancing over to his son. “Today is about patience. Justin may be awake for longer stretches, but he also might be confused or not remember things. The main thing we need to do is stay positive. If he sees you’re discouraged, it may cause him to be discouraged.”</p>
<p>“Did Dr. Noel say this was going to be permanent?”</p>
<p>Matt pulls into the hospital parking lot. “He wasn’t sure. Justin will have continued neurological assessments daily until they can establish more of a baseline. We’re hoping this is temporary, and Justin gains his memory back slowly but surely.”</p>
<p>“He doesn’t remember the attack.”</p>
<p>“No,” Matt sighs, “and for now, we’d like to keep it like that. He asked Mom why he was in the hospital and she said there was an accident and he needs some help getting better. We’re going to leave it like that for now.”</p>
<p>“That’s lying to him, though,” Clay counters, following Matt through the parking garage. “You don’t like lying to us. You’ve preached honesty and being truthful for as long as I can remember, and you always tell Justin being honest won’t make you guys upset. Why are we changing that now?”</p>
<p>Matt lets out an exasperated sigh. “Your mother and I are big advocates for truth and honesty whenever possible. But Clay, your brother is recovering from a traumatic event and has a head injury. Hearing that he was attacked may make him upset, which could make things worse.”</p>
<p>Clay presses the button to the elevator. “Is he always going to be like this?” Clay asks, stepping in and hitting the button for the ICU floor. He stares straight at the panel, vaguely aware of his father’s presence beside him. “We’re going to have to walk on eggshells around him, lying or omitting information about what happened?”</p>
<p>Matt doesn’t think Clay has to express his frustration. It’s laced through his words, clipped and terse as he steps out of the elevator, dutifully using the hand sanitizer positioned at the nurse’s station. He follows, rubbing the hand sanitizer and looks at his son. “Let’s just take this day by day. As Justin becomes more alert and we can assess his mental state , then we’ll decide if he’s ready to know what happened. It’s possible it may come back to him. We just have to be patient.”</p>
<p>Clay nods, scrubbing his hands free of the sanitizer and turning on his heels to walk down the hall.</p>
<p>Matt follows, not feeling confident in the slightest that he’s said the right thing.</p>
<p>
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    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>The usual table in the library is crowded, Tyler, Tony, Charlie, Alex and Zach already beating Jess and Ani there.</p>
<p>They both slide into their usual seats, hands flat on the table. “Clay said it’s okay for Ani, Zach and I to come visit today,” Jess announces, a daily occurrence since the incident. Ani had been the one providing updates, which so far were that Clay was okay but spending his days at the hospital, Justin was still in the ICU but breathing on his own, and things were stable.</p>
<p>“We can’t see Justin, and Clay said he probably would only stay with us a few minutes, but we’re going to bring the care package for Mr. and Mrs. Jensen and Clay and Justin and see if there’s anything else we can do for them.”</p>
<p>Charlie leans forward, tapping his fingers. “Are you worried that this is doing too much too soon?” he asks, looking around the table. “Justin just woke up, I don’t want them to feel like we’re intruding or something.”</p>
<p>“The Jensens will appreciate it,” Zach says confidently. “We’re not demanding to see Justin or asking questions on when he’ll be ready for visitors. We just put together two care packages that will help all of them and hopefully make the hospital better.”</p>
<p>“They made one for me and my parents after my accident,” Alex offers, “and I appreciated it. My mom’s been taking things to Mrs. Jensen and she’s been really appreciative. My mom thinks it’s nice, what we’re doing.”</p>
<p>Charlie nods, apprehensive. “I just don’t want to upset them or put ourselves in jeopardy of not being able to see Justin, when he’s ready, of course.”</p>
<p>Jess leans over, resting her hand on Charlie’s. “The Jensens aren’t like that. As long as we don’t camp out in the waiting room for hours waiting for news that they won’t be able to give, they’ll appreciate anything.”</p>
<p>Tony sits up straighter. “Well, the care package for Justin and Clay is in my car. I’ll meet you after school so you can bring it to them.”</p>
<p>Jess thanks him. “We’ll try to bring back whatever details that we can, but honestly, we’re probably not going to get much more than what we got this morning.”</p>
<p>The bell rings, and slowly the group disperses. Jess checks her phone multiple times, disappointed with the lack of texts from Clay, and then reminds herself that this is a process that will take time.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>In the fifteen minutes since Justin had been awake, Clay had tried and unsuccessfully attempted to coerce Justin into a spoonful of ice chips as he sat on the edge of his bed.</p>
<p>“Mom said you asked for them,” he sighed, nudging Justin’s wrist that had been working on coordinating pulling the chips onto the spoon and into his mouth. Clay watches the slight tremor in his brother’s hand, sighing. “Your mouth must be dry. You don’t even have to swallow them. Just let them dissolve on your tongue.”</p>
<p>“My head hurts,” Justin replies, squinting.</p>
<p>Clay takes a breath, controlling his emotions. “You can’t have more pain medicine yet. Why don’t you try eating the ice chips? Focus on something else for a few minutes.”</p>
<p>Justin looks to Clay, eyes glassy and unfocused, and sighs. “One bite,” he breathes, pressing his head against the pillows.</p>
<p>Nodding, Clay watches as Justin scoops the chips back onto the spoon, bringing them to his mouth with shaky hands. It’s agonizing, the process Justin puts himself through. Clay feels like he’s babysitting a toddler, making sure the spoon goes in his mouth and then back out, no ice spilling down the front of his hospital gown. He reminds himself that this is temporary, Justin is just weak at the moment, but it does nothing to ease his mind.</p>
<p>“Okay, good. Now just suck on them. Don’t worry about swallowing if you don’t want to,” Clay says, taking the cup from Justin’s hands and setting it back on the tray without protest. “Annie said you can swallow if you want, but your throat might hurt because of the NG tube.”</p>
<p>Matt and Lainie watch the scene from their chairs at the table, a respectful amount of privacy shared between them. They take the time to fill out insurance forms and contact the school about arrangements when they’re ready, pausing when they hear the negotiations and Clay’s successful mission to get Justin to try ice chips.</p>
<p>It’s hard watching Justin doing the simplest of tasks, closing his eyes and focusing on his breathing as the ice chips dissolve on his tongue. Clay takes charge, sitting on the edge of the mattress. “Do you want more?”</p>
<p>Justin shakes his head, reaching his hand out blindly to take Clay’s. “No more,” he whispers, and Clay agrees immediately.</p>
<p>Annie walks in, motioning for Clay to stay as she works around the two of them. “Justin, I need to look at your chest tube site real quick, okay? It might be a little uncomfortable, but I need you to hold still. I’ll be as quick as possible.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, opening his eyes and looking over. Matt, noticing his son’s anxiety, steps to the other side of the bed, hovering at the end and waiting to step in if needed.</p>
<p>But Clay’s first to react, reaching his free hand forward and tilting his brother’s face to face his. “Look at me the whole time. You’re fine, okay? Annie won’t hurt you. She’s really nice,” he says, hand cupping Justin’s cheek. Justin holds his other hand over his and Clay’s hands, wincing as Annie looks at the incisions and adjusts the tube slightly, a hum of pain filling the room.</p>
<p>Clay distracts him by talking about the group chat and how he’s been thinking about going back to school on Monday, but he doesn’t really want to go without him. Justin never answers, humming or squinting in pain, and blows out a breath of relief when Annie announces that she’s finished, praising him for how well he did.</p>
<p>Justin relaxes, letting Clay help him adjust the pillows and get comfortable again, and waits until Annie leaves the room before he speaks. “You should go,” he whispers, eyes closed, “back to school. On Monday. You need to get out of here.”</p>
<p>Clay laughs, shaking his head. “We’ll talk about it,” he compromises, looking to Matt as he steps to Justin’s side.</p>
<p>Matt waits for Justin to open his eyes, smiling. “Hey, kiddo,” he greets, “Annie says your fever is a little elevated. Do you mind if I run the washcloth over your forehead?”</p>
<p>Justin watches him, blinking slowly. “Please,” He replies quietly, nodding.</p>
<p>Matt’s gentle, pressing the washcloth with ease. He’s careful not to make too many sudden movements, careful to not jostle Justin too much or scare him more than he already seems to be. Clay watches with careful eyes, ready to step in should he need to.</p>
<p>Lainie remains at the table, watching the scene in front of her. The last few nights have filled her with worry, a worry that she knows will heighten as Justin begins remembering what happened and may fear Matt simply because he’s an adult man. Matt spoke about it briefly the first night, hushed whispers in the ICU as the worry that he feels knowing that his own son, who took months to warm to him, may fear him for a reason he can’t control overtakes him.</p>
<p>She fears that it’ll be something they’ll have to work through. Another layer of recovery for a boy who has never been dealt a break. It’s not the worry that Matt can’t or won’t do it, it’s that Justin has to learn to trust again.</p>
<p>She wants to go to county and kill Seth with her own hands. She wants to make him suffer the way Justin suffered in his care for years, and will continue to suffer as he recovers from injuries sustained as Seth undoubtedly tried to kill him. Lainie is not a woman of unnecessary rage, but right now it feels warranted.</p>
<p>Matt finishes, setting the washcloth back in the basin, and turns back to his youngest. “Feel better?” he asks, smiling when Justin nods. “You’re doing great, kid. Why don’t you try to get some sleep,” he promises.</p>
<p>Justin nods once more, and when his eyes slip closed, Clay doesn’t bother trying to talk anymore.</p>
<p>He just looks at his dad in satisfaction, a smile tugging on the corner of his lips. “It’ll be okay,” he says quietly, sinking back into his chair.</p>
<p>Matt almost laughs at the absurdity of his son comforting him, but he stops himself and nods politely, retreating back to sit with his wife.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>There’s a handful of people in the ICU waiting room when Jess, Zach and Ani arrive carrying two wicker baskets full of treats. Ani pulls her phone out, texting Clay to let him know as they set their things down, using the hand sanitizer.</p>
<p>It takes Clay a few minutes to retreat from the ICU bay, deep bags under his eyes and exhaustion written over his face. “Hey guys,” he says quietly, hugging them all. They sit down in the corner for some privacy. “Did you guys make these?”</p>
<p>Jess looks back to the care packages, smiling. “We all did, yeah,” she nods. “One is for your parents. There’s wine in there for home, and snacks and self-care things for them to use.”</p>
<p>“And the other is for you and Justin,” Ani steps in, pushing it forward a little. “There’s both of your favorite snacks in there, but we also put juice boxes and protein shakes in there in case Justin can’t have food yet - Alex said he might not be able to. There’s also movies and other things you guys can do when Justin is feeling up to it.”</p>
<p>There’s a smile that spreads across Clay’s face, and for a moment, Ani thinks she sees tears. “You guys didn’t have to do this,” he whispers, but he leans forward and runs his fingers over the DVDs of Justin’s favorite movies, taking a breath. “Justin can’t have anything but ice chips yet, but he’ll be excited about the books and other stuff.”</p>
<p>“How is he?” Zach asks, breaking his silence. He shakes his leg, glancing around the ICU waiting room at the families eagerly waiting for news on their loved ones. “We know you can’t tell us much.”</p>
<p>“He’s sleeping right now. He has been for a while,” Clay says, sighing. “He’s doing okay. He’s in pain and complains about it, but he’s been awake longer today and the doctors talked about getting him up and walking tomorrow.”</p>
<p>“And you’ve told him we’ve been asking about him?”</p>
<p>Clay seems to brighten, nodding. “I read him your texts. He can’t look at his phone yet, his head hurts too much, but he smiles when you guys ask about him, and he’s asked about seeing you guys.”</p>
<p>There’s a hesitation, and then Jess seems to find her voice to ask the question they were all wondering. “Do you know when we’ll be able to see him?”</p>
<p>The corners of Clay’s mouth twitch, and he frowns as he shakes his head. “Mom said maybe in a few days if he’s still feeling up to it. Otherwise you’ll have to wait until he’s out of the ICU, which will be a little longer because of the infection.”</p>
<p>It’s upsetting for all of them, but Ani composes herself, reaching out to rest her hand on her boyfriend’s. “You’ll let us know if you need anything, yes? We can come up every day if you need us to. There’s no harm in us coming, even if we can’t see Justin or you can’t stay long.”</p>
<p>Clay nods. “I think I’m going to come back to school on Monday,” he announces, shifting the conversation. “Justin will still be here, but I was ranting to keep him distracted when they were checking one of his tubes and he seemed to latch onto it. He says I should come back.”</p>
<p>“Do you want to?” Ani asks. There’s a hint of hope behind her words, a step in the right direction for at least one of them.</p>
<p>“I think so,” Clay nods. “I want to be with Justin, but there’s not much I can do here. He sleeps a lot, and when he’s not sleeping, he’s in pain or they’re working with him on as much therapy as they can from the bed. I’d be better off in school,” he explains. “And Justin wants me to go back.”</p>
<p>Zach smiles. In the year and a half since Justin and Clay began living with each other, the shift in their relationship was gradual. The adoption seemed to solidify things, and now, after years of hating each other, the two did what the other wanted without question, and were mostly inseparable. If Justin asked Clay to move the stars and the moon so he could see them from his hospital bed, Zach has no doubts that Clay would attempt to do so without hesitation.</p>
<p>“Well, we’ll all be ready to have you back, if you’re ready,” Ani smiles. She leans forward, kissing his cheek.</p>
<p>The doors to the ICU open, and Matt walks out, smiling at the four huddled in the corner. “Justin is awake and asked that I come find you,” he announces, standing at the group. “Did all of you make these?”</p>
<p>“We did,” Ani says, standing. “There’s one for you and Mrs. Jensen, and one for Clay and Justin. The group helped add things we thought you guys may need to get you through your hospital stay.”</p>
<p>“Thank you, guys. Lainie and I are so happy to know that the boys have such a supportive friend group,” he smiles, lifting the basket from the chair. “Unfortunately Justin isn’t quite ready for visitors yet, but he’ll be grateful for the gifts and knowing that you’re all thinking of him. As soon as he’s feeling up to it, we’ll be grateful to have you guys come spend some time with him.”</p>
<p>All three nod in understanding, bidding goodbye to Clay with hugs as he takes his and Justin’s basket, walking back through the doors to the ICU, arriving at Justin’s room.</p>
<p>“They brought gifts?” Justin asks, sitting up with Lainie’s help to look at the basket Clay positioned on the edge of the bed for him. “They put chapstick and hand sanitizer and stuff.”</p>
<p>“There’s juice boxes and protein shakes in there for you, when you’re ready. And your favorite snacks are in there when the doctors say you can eat,” Clay explains, helping Justin look through the gifts. “They put those adult coloring books in there.”</p>
<p>“Definitely Charlie,” Justin mumbles, easing back slowly, most of his weight on Lainie. With shaking fingers he takes the card, opening it before pushing it into Clay’s hands with a sigh. “I can’t read, my head hurts.”</p>
<p>Clay watches him, noticing the twist of his fingers in the blankets, the way his eyes close and he blows out a breath that makes Clay realize he’s in pain, and then he reads the card anyway.</p>
<p>
  <em>Dear Justin and Clay,</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>We were so sorry to hear what happened to you. We’ve put together some of your favorite things for when you’re feeling up to it. We hope it makes the hospital feel a little better. Let us know if you need anything else. We can’t wait to come see you when you’re ready :)</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Love,</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Ani, Jess, Charlie, Alex, Zach, Tyler and Tony</em>
</p>
<p>“They didn’t have to do that,” Justin mumbles, shifting uneasily.</p>
<p>“It was nice of them,” Lainie nods, reading her own card the kids and their parents all signed. “You two have great friends. And when you’re feeling up to it, you can see them and thank them for what they’ve done.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, blinking slowly. “I want to sleep.”</p>
<p>“Sleep then, sweetheart. You can have more pain medication soon,” Lainie nods, her fingers dancing along his arm as he drifts off, allowing Clay to move the care package to the sofa across the room, going through and pulling out the snacks designated for him.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>“Seth’s arraignment is tomorrow morning,” Lainie announces to her husband, staring at her two sons - Justin, a half smile on his face as Clay tries to force him to take another bite of ice chips. It’s the lightest it’s felt in the room since they arrived, but her words hardly felt like they were continuing that trend.</p>
<p>Matt looks up from his book, nodding. “Have you heard anything more?”</p>
<p>Lainie shakes her head. “They’ve gone through their interviews with witnesses from who was there that day, and used Clay’s account to finalize what they want to charge him with. My firm was unable to confirm what charges they were going to go with.”</p>
<p>Matt watches his wife twist her wedding ring around her finger, looking back to her. “Why don’t you sleep at home tonight? I’ll stay here with Justin, and you can go to the arraignment in the morning and then come back here.”</p>
<p>Lainie stares at her son, more alert than he has been since waking up, and sighs. “I don’t - can I leave him?”</p>
<p>“He won’t be alone,” Matt says, a wry smile on his face. “I’ll be here, and I’m more than capable of getting him through the night. I think it’ll be good for the boys to have us switch off, make them feel like we’re attending to both of them equally.”</p>
<p>Lainie pauses. She turns to look at her husband, eyes tired and full of uncertainty, and takes a breath. “We have to tell him what happened. We can’t - if I go to the arraignment tomorrow, we can’t keep lying to him.”</p>
<p>“Then we talk to Dr. Holden tonight, see if she thinks Justin is capable of knowing that and understanding fully. And if he’s not, then we hold off a few days until he’s hopefully off more medications and more alert,” he says easily, as if the solutions are obvious. “Lain, if you want to be at the arraignment in person, and I think it’s vital that at least one of us is there, then you should go. We’ll tell Justin when we feel he’s ready, and not a moment before.”</p>
<p>Lainie, hesitant as she watches Justin push the ice chips away and turn his head away from his brother, nods. “You stay with him tonight, I will come back just after court in the morning.”</p>
<p>Matt nods, standing up and walking to the foot of his son’s bed. “Hey kiddo, how do you feel about letting Mom go home tonight and me stay with you?”</p>
<p>Justin parts his eyes, squinting as he looks to Matt. “If you don’t mind,” he mumbles, shrugging.</p>
<p>“Clay and I will be here in the morning, I just have to stop by work and tie up a few loose ends before I take some time to be with you.”</p>
<p>“You don’t have to take time off to be with me,” Justin counters. “I’m… won’t I get to come home soon? So you won’t have to take time off.”</p>
<p>Lainie walks to the side of the bed, cupping Justin’s cheek in her hand. “We don’t know when you’ll get to come home just yet, sweetheart. And when you do, you’re going to have a long recovery. We’re taking time off to support you, okay? And there’s no reason to feel upset or ashamed by that.”</p>
<p>“You’d do the same for Clay?” Justin asks, pressing his cheek into her palm.</p>
<p>Lainie smiles sadly, nodding. “We’d do the same for Clay,” she reassures him, reaching for the washcloth in Clay’s grasp and brushing it over Justin’s forehead with her free hand.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>“Justin’s memory is getting better. He’s able to identify objects and recall conversations we’ve had, and based on the scans Dr. Noel has continued with, the bleeding is continuing to subside,” Dr. Holden explains, standing in the hallway with Matt and Lainie. “While Justin still doesn’t know what happened to him, as his parents, if you want to tell him, I think he’s in a good place. I can confirm with Dr. Noel for reassurance in the morning when he returns.”</p>
<p>“I must warn you, though, Justin may forget after you tell him. It’s likely that you’ll have to remind him why he’s in the hospital and how he sustained his injuries multiple times,” she tacks on, dulling their excitement. “His brain injury won’t just subside once he knows everything. I must stress patience with this, even when you’ve told him things multiple times.”</p>
<p>“We understand, Dr. Holden, thank you,” Lainie nods, hovering outside of Justin’s doorway as she walks to complete her rounds.</p>
<p>“We tell him tomorrow morning when you return. Clay can be there,” Matt decides. “And if Justin has questions or concerns, then we tackle them together, as a family.”</p>
<p>Lainie reaches for Matt’s hand, squeezing. “It’s been three days.”</p>
<p>“And a whole lot of good moments around the difficult ones,” Matt whispers, leaning forward to kiss Lainie’s temple. “I know there are bad ones coming, but just as we have to be positive in front of Justin, let’s be positive for each other.”</p>
<p>Lainie pulls herself against her husband’s chest, breathing in his aftershave that’s clung to his cardigan. “How would I do this without you?” she breathes, sucking in a breath. “How would I do life without you?”</p>
<p>His chin rests against the top of her head, a breathy laugh escaping. “I wouldn’t survive without you. You’re getting Justin through this hospital stay. You always know what he needs without him having to say it,” he mumbles. “I’m nervous about that tonight.”</p>
<p>Lainie breathes in, closing her eyes. “He likes the washcloth ran across his forehead, but complains a little when I move it to his cheeks because it loosens the tape on his NG tube, jostles the oxygen cannulas, and irritates the swelling under his eye. So if you want to run it over his cheeks, just be gentle. A light touch goes a long way for him,” she says softly. “The last few nights when we had to wait for his pain medication dosage, he’s liked that I stood and massaged his scalp gently with my fingers, or held his hand and brushed my thumb along the back of it. He prefers me talking quietly over normal because it doesn’t irritate his head.”</p>
<p>She opens her eyes, looking through the glass to her sons, Clay standing and fixing his brother’s hair. “He asks why his head or his stomach hurt so bad and when can the tubes come out, and I always just remind him that he was in an accident and the tubes will be out soon,” she continues. “He’ll probably ask where Clay is a few times. He just needs reassurance.”</p>
<p>“Liza comes in just after her shift begins and gives Justin nutrition through his NG tube. She checks his vitals every few hours, but he usually sleeps through unless he’s in pain,” she finishes, closing her eyes once more.</p>
<p>Matt nods, digesting the information. “How have you slept at all?”</p>
<p>“Sleep when he sleeps, just like they told us to do when they were babies,” she whispers, her words etched with a smile. “Liza is a great nurse, Justin’s in the best hands. You just have to trust that he’s okay. And if you don’t know what to do to help him, ask him. He’ll tell you.”</p>
<p>Matt nods. He holds his wife for a moment longer, breaking the hug and walking back into the room that held his sons.</p>
<p>Clay stands up to leave, Justin blinking as he watches him.</p>
<p>“Dad will be here all night. Mom and I will come back in the morning,” Clay explains. “Don’t be fucking stupid or proud or brave. Ask for something if you need it.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, forcing his eyes back open as Clay rubs his shoulder. “You’ll be back in the morning?”</p>
<p>“First thing,” Clay promises. “Mom and I will both come back.”</p>
<p>Lainie steps to the other side of the bed, sitting down on the edge. “Dad will be right here all night, right where I normally sleep. Whatever you need, you ask him, okay?” She smooths her hand over his shoulder, smiling as he nods. “I love you, I’ll be back in the morning.”</p>
<p>“Love you,” Justin nods, nodding as Lainie presses a kiss to his forehead.</p>
<p>Justin watches them leave, turning to Matt as he changes quickly in the bathroom and then returns to Justin’s side. “I know Liza will be in soon. You okay otherwise? Do you want some ice chips?”</p>
<p>Justin contemplates it for a moment, and then nods. “Just one scoop though. Clay keeps asking me to eat more.”</p>
<p>Matt reaches for the cup, helping Justin pull out a spoonful. “We’ll talk to him about being a little more relaxed in his demands,” he says with a smile, pulling an ice chip that falls onto Justin’s hospital gown from his chest, discarding it in the sink across the room.</p>
<p>Liza enters, smiling as she sets everything up. “Dad’s staying with you tonight?” she asks, smiling when Justin nods. “I know you don’t like this, but it’s just for a short while. You can sleep if you want,” she reminds him, hooking up the nutrition to his NG tube with ease.</p>
<p>She takes a round of vitals and excuses herself from the room as Matt sits down in the chair. “I have some papers with me to grade. Do you want me to read them out loud? Will that help or hurt your head or you falling asleep?”</p>
<p>Matt hates the unfamiliarity behind his words. If this was Lainie, she wouldn’t have to think of something to ease her son’s pain. She would’ve talked about what they’d do when he was home and how maybe when he’s feeling a little better he can pick and choose which cards to display and where he wants them, but Matt doesn’t think he can do any of that. He doesn’t know what he can do, but he wishes he was handling this better.</p>
<p>Justin does seem to brighten at his offer, turning his head just enough to look at Matt. “I want you to read,” he whispers, holding his hand out and turning it over. He flexes his hand into a fist, and then releases. “I don’t… ‘m too tired to talk. But don’t want it quiet, and don’t want to listen to the monitors,” he explains, broken sentences conveying what he’s trying to say.</p>
<p>Matt nods, standing and grabbing the stack of papers he had in his bag to grade, setting them in his lap. He looks back to Justin, who’s palm is still facing up. “Would you like me to hold your hand?”</p>
<p>Justin’s shoulders relax as he nods. “Will you?”</p>
<p>“Of course, kiddo,” he whispers. “Always.”</p>
<p>He takes Justin’s hand with his own, leaning forward just enough as he begins reading.</p>
<p>Justin falls asleep five minutes later, hand grasped in his father’s lightly.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>Sleep lasts 2 hours and 8 minutes before Matt’s startled awake, Justin shifting and moaning in the bed beside him. In the dim light above Justin’s bed Matt can tell there’s beads of sweat dripping off his forehead, his hair unruly and matted to his feverish skin.</p>
<p>Hitting the nurse’s button, Matt stands up and rests his hand on Justin’s shoulder. “Justin, buddy, come back to me,” he says softly, chewing on his lip as Justin thrashes below his touch. “Kiddo, it’s okay. You’re safe.”</p>
<p>Liza walks in, taking Justin’s temperature. “His fever’s spiked,” she sighs, moving around to check the monitors. “I’m going to up his oxygen and get a cool towel for his forehead. I’ll page the on-call doctors to check about another round of the cooling blankets.”</p>
<p>“Is he okay?”</p>
<p>Liza nods, focused on Justin. “We need to worry about preventing a seizure right now, Mr. Jensen. We’ll run more labs and make sure the antibiotics are working. Hopefully this is just the fever trying to leave his system.”</p>
<p>She pages another nurse, changes his oxygen out to a mask, and accepts the basin of cool water. “Go ahead and run that along his forehead. I’m going to draw blood,” she explains, handing the basin to Matt, who nods. He sets it down, steadying his hand on Justin’s cheek and gently pushing the washcloth across his forehead.</p>
<p>“Come on kiddo, wake up for me,” he breathes, wiping the washcloth slow and methodically. Justin’s eyes flutter open and closed, Matt soothing him as Liza works diligently beside him in silence. “Justin, buddy, I’m right here.”</p>
<p>Justin makes a choking noise, and then, without warning, a seizure begins. Matt’s horrified, looking between Liza and another nurse as they frantically begin holding Justin and doing their best to stabilize him, and before he can say anything or move, a male nurse is ushering him out of the way.</p>
<p>“My son… I need... I have to be with my son.”</p>
<p>“Give us just a minute, Mr. Jensen. We need to stabilize him,” the nurse explains, turning back to the bed and helping with Justin. Matt watches helplessly, hand brushing over his face as the nurses finally get Justin’s seizure under control, watching as it slowly comes to an end.</p>
<p>With his legs shaking and feeling like jelly, Matt makes his way back to Justin’s bedside as soon as Liza gives him the okay. “Justin, buddy, can you open your eyes for me?” Matt asks quietly. “It's okay, everything is okay. I’m right here.”</p>
<p>“C-Clay,” Justin chokes out, squeezing his eyes tightly shut. His eyes open, hazy and distant, and Matt manages a smile.</p>
<p>“It’s Matt, Justin. It’s just me here right now,” he says quietly, dipping the washcloth back into the water before running it back against his forehead.</p>
<p>“M-Matt,” Justin repeats. His eyes dart wildly, landing on Matt’s for a moment.</p>
<p>Matt smiles. “Yeah, Justin. It’s Matt. You’re okay, kiddo. Can you stay with me?”</p>
<p>Justin takes a sharp breath, his hand reaching up to wrap around Matt’s arm. Matt smiles, shifts his free hand to hold Justin’s, and wipes the washcloth until slowly Justin becomes more lucid and the monitors start to look a little steadier.</p>
<p>“Good to have you back, buddy,” he says softly. “How are you feeling?”</p>
<p>“C-cold,” he replies, sinking back against the pillows. “A-and it… hurts.”</p>
<p>Liza returns, taking Justin’s vitals again. “I’ll bring you another blanket, Justin,” she says softly, smiling. “You had a seizure, which is why your speech feels a little sluggish. Give it some time, okay? We have you on medication to help the symptoms subside. You gave us quite a scare there.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, eyes closing as Liza turns back to face Matt. “His fever is still pretty high, and seizures are still a risk. We’re going to monitor closely through the night, and I’m going to bring a new hospital gown and sheets to change so he’s more comfortable.”</p>
<p>“But he’s stable?” Matt asks. Justin is dozing off again, Matt’s hand running through Justin’s hair, sweaty and tangled, and looks back to Liza.</p>
<p>Liza nods. “For now, yes. Though his breathing is a little rapid and congested, and Dr. Holden will most likely want new scans and x-rays in the morning.”</p>
<p>Matt nodded, thanking her quietly. He could deal with things waiting until morning. Prolonging the scans meant things were okay right now. Justin, though breathing rapidly and clearly in pain post-seizure, was stable.</p>
<p>He steps out of the room to allow the nurses to help change Justin’s hospital gown and sheets, returning to his chair once Justin was settled. He reaches forward, holding his hand, and pulls out his phone to send a photo of Justin tangled in IVs and monitors, finally sleeping.</p>
<p>
  <em>We just went through a pretty rough period. Justin had a seizure that lasted about 30 seconds. He’s finally stable. Fever rose, he was disoriented. Finally getting some much needed sleep. Everything is fine. Love you.</em>
</p>
<p>He watches Justin breathe for a while before dozing off himself, his hand resting on top of Justin’s for the rest of the night.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you guys so much for reading and commenting! i'm sorry for leaving it where i did, but it was the only logical place that made sense in my brain :)</p>
<p>next week's update will either be Thursday or Friday as well, i haven't decided which day yet :)</p>
<p>if you celebrate, i hope you and your families have a merry Christmas!</p>
<p>&lt;3 &lt;3 &lt;3</p>
<p>(title of the chapter is from Too Young by Louis Tomlinson)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. losing you is not an option</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Clay and Lainie attend the arraignment, Justin continues to make progress and find out what happened, Clay continues to work through his own processing.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Friday.</strong>
</p>
<p>The streets feel familiar as Lainie runs her usual route in the morning, soaking in the feeling of the pavement beneath her feet.</p>
<p>It had been three days since she’d woken up at home and even longer since she’d been for a run. She’d neglected it since the boys started school, allowing herself ample time to sink back into the routine of getting two teenagers dressed and out the door.</p>
<p>She had planned to sleep in that morning. Her mattress had never felt so good beneath her when she fell into bed after a shower the evening before, her body aching for a night’s sleep that wasn’t on a recliner beside her son’s bed in the hospital.</p>
<p>But the sun rose and she woke, her legs begging for a release. The text from her husband letting her know that Justin had a seizure did nothing to ease her mind, so she did the one thing she felt familiar to her - ran.</p>
<p>Her older sister Evie got her into running at a young age. She would often tie her running shoes and follow her sister through the streets of San Francisco, long legs and strides to keep up with her. It became a tradition, one Lainie kept when Evie went off to college and Lainie was left as a junior in high school, navigating life away from her sister for the first time in her life.</p>
<p>She makes it to the top of the hill that overlooks Evergreen, using the sleeve of her jacket to wipe the sweat off her brow. Pulling her phone out, she stares at Matt’s updates following the seizure, allowing a brief moment of relief to wash through her.</p>
<p>Matt had sent three photos. One from right after his seizure, vague information from her husband about what happened. A photo two hours later with Justin wrapped under cooling blankets, eyes closed and a washcloth on his forehead.</p>
<p><em>Still stable and no more seizures.</em> Matt wrote. <em>Trying to get his temperature down a little more using the cooling blanket, and then a chest x-ray this morning to check on his lung and a brain scan to check on the bleed.</em></p>
<p>The last one is from ten minutes prior, Justin awake in bed, a lazy smile and a thumbs up. <em>Still has a fever. He’s alert and passed his neurological verbal exam with only two incorrect answers to the questions. His speech is still a little sluggish, but Dr. Noel stressed it’s normal. Trying ice chips again this morning. X-ray and CT in an hour.</em></p>
<p>Her heart ached with worry. Justin, who had been doing relatively well since waking up, had suffered a setback. She wanted nothing more than to cancel her loose plans of attending the arraignment that morning and return to the hospital to dote on Justin and his every need, just as she had been for the week.</p>
<p>But he was in good hands. Lainie couldn’t think of a better dad for her children than Matt, who often made parenting look so effortless that she couldn’t help but be panged with a tinge of jealousy. He always seemed to know how to approach a situation with relative ease, or have the words to diffuse a rapidly changing conversation before things got out of hand.</p>
<p>She sends a quick text back, restarting her playlist and making the run back home in time to get ready for court.</p>
<p>
  <em>Tell him I love him. Clay and I will be back just after the arraignment. Please, please call if anything else happens, or if you need us. Justin is more important than anything else.</em>
</p>
<p>She takes the long way home, snaking through the streets as she runs to the pace of the songs, allowing herself to be lost in the moment.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>“So all we do is listen to the charges that are going to be filed and what his bail is set at? And then we leave?”</p>
<p>Clay, who had been offered to go to the hospital on his own, insisted that he wanted to go to the arraignment with Lainie. He made vague promises about keeping his mouth shut and listening quietly, but Lainie worried.</p>
<p>She made an emergency call to Dr. Ellman, who advised that it may bring closure to Clay to hear the charges, but he’d like to see Clay for a session that afternoon to discuss how he’s feeling.</p>
<p>Clay agrees, but the thought of leaving Justin for an hour is left unsaid and instead written in his mannerisms.</p>
<p>“That’s all they’re going to do today,” Lainie confirms, touching up her lipstick in the mirror before grabbing her keys from the ignition. “It will take about a half hour, and then we’ll go back to the hospital to be with your brother.”</p>
<p>“Has Dad said anything else?”</p>
<p>Lainie sighs, shaking her head. She and Clay discussed Justin’s seizure and following symptoms at length over breakfast, questions flying from her eldest between bites of his muffin. Lainie was often left giving empty answers, promising that as soon as she knew anything, she would tell him. “He’s resting, his CT went well and Dr. Noel will be in to speak with them again shortly,” she says, leading Clay towards the entrance of the courthouse. “Dad said he ate a few more spoonfuls of ice chips and he’s feeling the same as he normally does pain wise.”</p>
<p>Clay nods, walking through the scanner and catching up to Lainie. “Are we still going to tell him about what happened?”</p>
<p>Lainie pauses just outside the courtroom, turning back to look at her son. She smooths out the collar of his shirt, straightening his tie, and smiles. “If Dr. Noel agrees, then yes, we’ll still tell him,” she promises. “Do you want to tell him that you stopped the attack?”</p>
<p>Clay ducks his head, shrugging. “Probably not. It’s not important.”</p>
<p>Lainie frowns, brushing her hand over his hair, resting on his cheek. “It is important, Clay. You saved his life, and I think he’d want to know,” she says softly. “But if you’re not ready, then we won’t tell him today.”</p>
<p>“Let’s wait to tell him,” Clay decides, their conversation cut short by the courtroom doors opening and them being allowed in.</p>
<p>Dennis, who had been there for another case, sits beside her in one of the sections. “I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch, but I figured you wanted a little space. How is Justin doing?”</p>
<p>Lainie smiles politely. “He’s stable currently. Battling a little bit of an infection, but he’s doing well,” she says. “We’re hoping we can make some progress and at least get him out of the ICU within the next few days.”</p>
<p>“Good,” he smiles. “Please let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you guys out.” He turns to Clay. “It was very brave what you did, Clay. I’m sure your brother will be very thankful,” he smiles.</p>
<p>Clay nods, smoothing his hands over his pants. “Thank you, Dennis,” he says politely, watching as Dennis leaves.</p>
<p>Lainie hesitates, resting her hand on her son’s leg. “If you need to leave at any point during this, let me know. It may be difficult seeing him again, okay? And you come first.”</p>
<p>“I’ll be fine,” Clay replies easily, turning back to face the front of the courtroom as things begin.</p>
<p>Seth’s led in, handcuffed and in a standard orange jumpsuit. Lainie clenches her fists, crossing her ankles and keeping her eyes trained on him. Beside her, Clay takes a deep breath, shifting uncomfortably.</p>
<p>The man tried to kill her son. He stabbed him three times, only stopping because her eldest son put an end to the attack in such a heroic way that Lainie herself couldn’t imagine going through with it.</p>
<p>This man had tortured her son for years. Abused him, tormented him, left him with permanent emotional and physical scars that they were still working on healing, and would now have to start over.</p>
<p>She wants to kill him.</p>
<p>She relaxes as they read out the drug charges. A slew of drug charges that were not unexpected. He was formally charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. Initially defeated that it wasn’t an attempted murder charge, Lainie brings herself back to earth.</p>
<p>It’s not easy to prove he tried to kill Justin. This will make it easier to get him convicted.</p>
<p>He pleads guilty, bail is set, and Lainie feels the relief wash over her before being replaced by anxiety, ready to be back at the hospital and see her son in person.</p>
<p>She waits until Seth is led back to jail before standing up, pulling her phone from her bag. <em>I don’t think he’ll ever make bail. Drug charges and aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. Stopping for food for us, then we’ll be back up to the hospital.</em></p>
<p>She leads Clay out of the room, waiting until they’re outside before turning to speak to him. “How are you feeling?”</p>
<p>“Why wasn’t he charged with attempted murder?” Clay asks, running his hands through his hair. “I was <em>there</em>, Mom. I know he tried to kill him. The way he was stabbing him,” he stops, shaking his head, “it wasn’t like… normal. He was trying to kill Justin in broad daylight in front of me.”</p>
<p>Lainie bows her head, taking a moment to compose herself. “Honey, you and I both know that it’s likely Seth’s intentions were to kill your brother. But unfortunately, without video evidence, it’s going to be hard to convince the jury of this.”</p>
<p>“We have Justin’s medical records!” Clay cries, quieting his voice when he realizes people are beginning to take notice as they walk by. “He has so many injuries, Mom. His brain is bleeding. He had to have surgery to stop internal bleeding from the stab wounds. His lung is collapsed! And then he had a seizure last night. All of that tells me he wasn’t doing this to just leave him with minor wounds.”</p>
<p>Lainie nods. She rests her hand on the small of her son’s back, leading him to the car. “I know, sweetheart. And when they get Justin’s medical records in their hands, they’ll see the injuries. But right now, the charges that he received are warranted and are the best path for us to get Seth convicted and sent away for a long time.”</p>
<p>Clay slides into the passenger seat, defeated. “They don’t even have Justin’s medical records?”</p>
<p>Lainie sighs, turning the car on and shaking her head. “Your father and I believe it’s important that Justin receive the choice to have his medical records released to the court. When he’s more alert and we feel he’s able to make these kinds of decisions, we’ll discuss it.”</p>
<p>Sinking further into his seat, Clay picks at a hangnail. “He’s going to want them released. You should just do it.”</p>
<p>“He may want them released, you’re right,” Lainie nods, merging back out onto the main roads. “But that’s his decision. We won’t do it without his permission,” she says. “Now, do you want to stop at the bakery to bring some food up to Dad?”</p>
<p>Clay nods, turns up the radio and staring out the window for the rest of the drive, and Lainie doesn’t push to progress the conversation fully.</p>
<p>Matt doesn’t answer her text until she stops at the bakery near the hospital, her phone vibrating in the cupholder.</p>
<p>
  <em>Can’t wait to see you guys. Justin did great at his x-ray and CT scan, his speech is growing steadier, and there are no other long-lasting residual effects from the seizure. Dr. Noel and Dr. Holden will be in to talk in a little while. Justin is much more alert today than he has been. Here’s half a smile.</em>
</p>
<p>She stares at the photo Justin for a moment, eyes half closed, a smile at the corner of his lips. She studies the monitors still attached, the tube that’s fastened to his cheek and disappears down his nose, the oxygen fastened around it. The swelling around his eye seems to be slightly better, even if it’s not as noticeable.</p>
<p>There’s bruising, a chest tube that disappears beneath his gown, and countless other injuries they aren’t able to see.</p>
<p>He’s broken, but he’s going to be okay.</p>
<p>She shows the photo to Clay, a ghost of a smile crossing his face. “He looks high.”</p>
<p>Lainie laughs loudly, the first time since the accident, and nods. “Well, I guess he sort of is,” she says, grabbing her purse. “Come on, let’s go get some treats.”</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>“Justin’s brain looks stable,” Dr. Noel begins, sitting down at the table in Justin’s room with Dr. Holden and the family as Justin sleeps. “The bleeding is stable, and there was no additional swelling or bruising following the seizure. It’s the best outcome we could’ve hoped for.”</p>
<p>Lainie breathes a sigh of relief, shoulders relaxing. “So the seizure was just a combination of the fever, infection, and his medications?”</p>
<p>Dr. Noel sighs. “It’s likely that the seizure was caused by his fever spiking in the middle of the night. When fevers spike quickly, sometimes the body has to adjust. With Justin’s body recovering from a brain injury, a major operation, stab wounds, and fighting an infection, it’s likely that maintaining his temperature and preventing a seizure proved to be too much,” he explains. “I’m encouraged by his brain scan, and I still think we’re trending in the right direction. We’ve removed the anti-seizure medication for the time being, and this setback is not as detrimental as we once believed it would be.”</p>
<p>“So what does this mean for the future? Could he keep having seizures?”</p>
<p>“It’s possible,” Dr. Noel nods. “Unfortunately, brain injuries are unpredictable. We’re going to keep a close eye on him, but we’re hoping that he won’t have another seizure. There’s just really no way for us to predict.”</p>
<p>When all of their questions seem to be answered, Dr. Holden leans forward, folding her hands in front of her. “Justin’s lung also looks to be healing nicely,” she begins, the faintest of smiles on her face. “The congestion heard last night was a minor bout of congestion brought on by the infection. It’s drained through the chest tube, and his oxygen levels have been decreased once more.”</p>
<p>“What does this mean for the chest tube?” Lainie asks.</p>
<p>Dr. Holden leans back in her chair slightly. “At least another day or two,” she decides after a moment. “While the lung looks clear and is beginning to expand again, taking the chest tube out too early could have adverse effects. We need to be careful.”</p>
<p>“And the NG tube?” Matt counters.</p>
<p>A smile forms. “I’d like the infection to get better before removing it,” she says. “The infection could harm his belly, and we want to be able to pull anything we need to without the need of inserting a needle into his abdomen where he’s just had a major operation.”</p>
<p>“What can we do?” Clay asks, leaning forward. “I know we have to be positive, but like, we need to keep him moving forward. Not letting him get depressed because he had a setback.”</p>
<p>Clay watches as both doctors share a glance, and then look back to him. “We’re going to push for Justin to get up and out of bed today,” Dr. Holden smiles. “Not far, just a few steps to the chair, but we want him to start using his legs and sit upright for as long as possible. Despite last night, we think this is a logical step forward.”</p>
<p>Clay blows out a breath. “Can we tell him what happened?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Dr. Noel nods. “I think it’s fine for him to know, but I also would like you to watch his mannerisms. If he doesn’t seem to be handling it well or he’s confused, take a break, remind yourself that he’s recovering, and it’s likely he’ll still be confused no matter how far you get. All baby steps in this.” He stops, folding his hands. “I also recommend it coming from your parents. You can be there, of course, but it may come off better if your parents explain.”</p>
<p>Clay nods in understanding, standing up and walking over to Justin’s bed as he wakes up. Matt and Lainie thank both doctors, joining their sons on the other side of the room.</p>
<p>“Hi, sweetheart,” Lainie smiles, pressing a kiss to Justin’s forehead. “How are you feeling?”</p>
<p>Justin shrugs. “Sick.”</p>
<p>Lainie frowns, taking a seat in the chair and taking his hand. “I heard you had quite an eventful night,” she comments, watching his cheeks redden. “I must say, it’s convenient it happened when Matt stayed with you. I’m sorry I wasn’t here to help though.”</p>
<p>Justin laughs, looking towards Matt. “It’s okay. Matt was a pretty good nurse,” Justin breathes. His voice is slow and calculated, the effort to speak is obvious, and while Lainie thinks maybe most people wouldn't notice, it’s just another piece of the puzzle that makes her heart ache. “Maybe not as good as you, but close.”</p>
<p>“I wiped that washcloth across your forehead expertly,” Matt replies, smiling. Justin laughs, nodding. “You didn’t even know Liza was drawing blood. And we got you through the seizure.”</p>
<p>“Did you ever think about being a nurse?” Justin says quietly, eyes blinking open and closed slowly as he looks at Matt. Clay reaches forward, taking Justin’s other hand.</p>
<p>“Unsurprisingly, I believe I’m better suited to be a literature professor,” Matt concedes, laughing. “I’ll stick to being just your nurse for now. You’re quite privileged.”</p>
<p>“‘m honored,” Justin smiles.</p>
<p>It feels easy, light.</p>
<p>The best it’s felt in days, despite everything.</p>
<p>Lainie looks to her family, taking a breath. “Justin, how do you feel about us telling you what happened? About why you’re in the hospital with these injuries.”</p>
<p>Pulling his hand from hers, Justin nods. “Will you tell me?” he asks, looking at all of them. “I know it was an accident, I just…” he closes his eyes. “What kind of accident?”</p>
<p>Clay stands abruptly, switching spots with Matt without a word. Matt looks to his wife, then back to Justin, whose eyes are lazily focusing on all three of them. “You and Clay have been walking home from school for a good portion of the school year,” he begins, leaning forward in the chair. “On Monday afternoon, someone attacked you while you were walking. They stabbed you three times in your belly that caused your lung to collapse, and you suffered a head injury from being pushed to the ground.”</p>
<p>For a moment, the only sound in the room is the beeping from Justin’s monitor. They give it a moment, letting the information sink in, and then Justin speaks up. “Do we know who did it?”</p>
<p>Matt and Lainie share a glance. They look to Clay, who just shrugs and nods, watching as Matt speaks up. “It was Seth Massey who did it, Justin.”</p>
<p>Matt doesn’t know what he’s expecting. He thinks in a normal situation he’d expect Justin to lash out, yelling about Seth and how horrible he is and how he should’ve known it was him. But this is different. Justin is bedridden, unable to even sit up unassisted. He’s using his free hand to pick at the blanket, staring until his eyes are unfocused.</p>
<p>“Where is he now?” he asks, voice distant and mannerisms emphasizing that he’s not completely there with him. He picks at a feverish pace, fingernails clicking together, and stares at his feet.</p>
<p>“In jail,” Lainie promises. “You are safe, my love. I promise you, you are safe. And none of us are going to let anything bad happen to you.”</p>
<p>Justin doesn’t answer, staring for a moment before blinking, looking back to Lainie. “So the attack… is that why it’s so hard to breathe? And why my head hurts so bad?”</p>
<p>Lainie gives him a sad smile, nodding. “Your lung collapsed, sweetheart. It’s why you have the chest tube, it’s helping drain off some fluid and help your lung heal,” she explains. “Your head hurts from the head injury, but you’re doing really well, love. Your doctors are really happy.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, pressing his head back against the pillow. “Why do I have this tube?” he asks, fingers tracing along the NG tube, tugging at the frayed edge of the tape holding it in place.</p>
<p>Reaching forward, Lainie gently takes his hand gently in hers. “Because you were stabbed in your belly, that tube helps give you food until you’re ready to digest on your own,” she says softly. “It also gives the doctors access to take samples of your stomach so they can test and make sure everything is okay, and give you any medicine that you need.”</p>
<p>“So it can’t come out any time soon?” Justin asks, looking up at her. “I don’t like the way it feels. In my throat. When I… when I try to swallow. It makes my throat hurt all the time.”</p>
<p>Frowning, Lainie brushes her thumb across the back of his hand. “Dr. Holden wants your infection to clear a little more before they remove it,” she says, leaning forward. “So probably a few more days. I’m sorry it’s uncomfortable, love, but it’s better to leave it in until you’re ready rather than having to reinsert it.”</p>
<p>“What if we ask if you can have a popsicle?” Clay asks, leaning on the edge of the bed. “It’s cold, so maybe it’ll numb your throat and make it feel better. It works when we have sore throats, maybe it’ll help now.”</p>
<p>Justin looks back to Matt and Lainie. “Can we ask?” he asks quietly, chewing on his lip. “I’m not technically eating anything, so it’ll probably be fine.”</p>
<p>Matt smiles. “Sure, we can ask,” he nods. “They want you to get up and walk today, too. Feel up for that?”</p>
<p>“Will I be able to?” he asks. “I have so many monitors.”</p>
<p>“The nurses are going to help,” Lainie promises. “And we’ll be right here, okay? We’ll help you, too.”</p>
<p>Justin nods uneasily, blowing out a breath. He closes his eyes, hand still wrapped in Lainie’s, and dozes off without saying another word.</p>
<p>Clay paces, defeated. “I hate that he just falls asleep in the middle of a conversation,” he complains, running his fingers through his hair. “I hate that we’re talking about something and he won’t just say what’s bothering him.”</p>
<p>“He’s on a lot of medication, sweetheart,” Lainie sighs, looking back to her eldest. “He still can’t help when he falls asleep. And this is hard for him, too. Imagine being in his shoes. So much has happened since he’s woken up, and he needs time to process it all.”</p>
<p>“Come on,” Matt announces, standing. “Let’s go get something for lunch for all of us. We’ll see if we can find Annie and ask if Justin can have a popsicle.”</p>
<p>He guides Clay out of the room, hand firm on his son’s shoulder until they step onto the elevator. “Talk to me, kid,” he says quietly, pressing the button for the correct floor. “I know you’ve been through so much today, but I want to hear it from you.”</p>
<p>“I feel like he’s never going to get any better,” Clay admits. “And I hate that when I saw Seth this morning, the only thing he had was a scrape on his cheek. And it was from the pavement, not from me or Justin.”</p>
<p>Matt nods. He steps out of the elevator, falling into step with his son. “Justin is going to get better. Of course he’ll get better, he already is. But I understand your worries.”</p>
<p>Clay sinks into a table at the entrance of the cafeteria. “He’s confused, he’s in pain, he hasn’t even tried to walk yet. What’s going to happen when he does get up and try to move?”</p>
<p>Matt falls beside him. “It’ll probably be difficult. I don’t want to lie to you, Clay, it may be really hard to see your brother struggle. But he needs us to be positive right now.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I know,” Clay sighs. “We just have to keep being positive,” he says, repeating Dr. Holden’s words. “Justin’s going to eventually see through the positivity. He likes things told to him straight.”</p>
<p>Tapping his fingers against the linoleum table, Matt sighs. “I hear you, Clay,” he begins. “I understand what you’re saying, and I know you’re right. Justin likes the blatant truth and wants it straight with no sugarcoating. But you understand why your mother and I are wary of doing that, yes? You understand why right now we can’t be blatantly honest with him?”</p>
<p>Clay stares at the table, nodding. “Justin’s brain injury can’t handle everything honestly yet. And he needs to not be overwhelmed by information all the time,” he rattles off, breaking his stare and looking up to his dad. “I just don’t like lying to him.”</p>
<p>“You’re not lying to him, Clay,” Matt smiles. “He is doing really well, he’s stable, and he’s getting better. Just because we’re being overly positive about it doesn’t make it untrue.”</p>
<p>“I guess,” Clay shrugs. “I have a meeting with Dr. Ellman in a little under two hours, can we get something to eat before I have to leave? I want to see Justin again.”</p>
<p>Matt nods, standing up and walking over to the snack section, Clay trailing behind.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>“How is Justin doing?” Dr. Ellman asks, folding his hands in his lap. “It’s been a few days since we last spoke.”</p>
<p>“He’s awake now,” Clay offers, shrugging. “He’s in pain a lot and confused most of the time. The doctors say it’s from the head injury. He forgets things we’ve told him or what the doctors have said, and then he asks a bunch of questions.”</p>
<p>With a careful nod, Dr. Ellman writes something down. “How have you been doing? Being with him all the time?”</p>
<p>“Fine,” Clay answers, shaking his head. “It sucks that he can’t even sit up on his own and he falls asleep in the middle of my sentences, but like. He’s alive, so.”</p>
<p>He stares at his lap, listening to Dr. Ellman chuckle quietly at his remark. “Has he talked about what happened to him? Does he remember?”</p>
<p>Clay shrugs noncommittally. “He hasn’t said anything. We had to tell him what happened, he didn’t remember. And since we explained that he was attacked and who did it, he hasn’t wanted to talk about it. But he didn’t remember what happened before us telling him.”</p>
<p>“Clay, do you not like saying the name of who did this to Justin?”</p>
<p>Making himself smaller, Clay shakes his head.</p>
<p>“Why not?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” Clay sighs, voice breaking. He digs his finger into his thigh, tracing the rivets of his jeans. “Saying his name gives him the power. He’s spent so many years abusing Justin, doing so many horrible mind games and physical abuse to him, and I can’t… I don’t like saying his name in case it hurts Justin.”</p>
<p>From the corner of his eye, Clay can see Dr. Ellman nod. “Does Justin ask that you not say his name?”</p>
<p>“No,” Clay replies weakly. “He talked about him before the accident. He never had any issues saying his name.”</p>
<p>“Why don’t you talk to Justin about how he feels hearing his name. Talk to him about why you don’t like saying it, and see what he thinks. Do you think you can do that before next week’s session?”</p>
<p>Clay nods, interlacing his fingers. “We also need to move next week to the afternoon. I’m going to go back to school on Monday.”</p>
<p>Dr. Ellman raises his eyebrows, surprised. “You are?”</p>
<p>“Justin thinks I should. He says it’d be good for me to get out of the hospital a little bit. He said he thinks I should just go back. But he was in a lot of pain when I was talking about it, so maybe he wasn’t totally comprehending what I was saying.”</p>
<p>Dr. Ellman nods. He writes, glancing back at Clay. “All you told me is that Justin thinks it’d be good for you. What do you think?”</p>
<p>Clay twists uncomfortably. “I think… I think I want to be back with my friends. And I think it’d be good for me to get away from the hospital for a while,” he decides. “I wanted to do half days, but I think Justin and I need the time apart. So he can work on getting better and I don’t get in the way.”</p>
<p>“Do you believe you’re in the way when you’re at the hospital?”</p>
<p>“No, not really,” Clay replies, defensive. “I’m just… I enable Justin. If he says he doesn’t want to do something, I don’t push him hard enough, at least not right now. Because I know me telling him just means he’ll get stubborn and then we’ll fight. And so if I’m not there, maybe he’ll do more things and work on being able to come home.”</p>
<p>There’s a brief moment of silence, the only sound in the room coming from the pen gliding across Dr. Ellman’s notebook. Clay twists his fingers together, sighing. “Do you think I’m ready?”</p>
<p>The pen stops, Dr. Ellman’s eyes looking at him. There’s a hint of a smile ghosting over his lips as he sets his pen down, leaning forward. “I think you’re more than ready, Clay,” he says. “Getting back into a routine is going to be vital for you to process what’s happened, and I think a good place to start is getting you away from the hospital and back into school. It will help you with the separation that’s going to have to happen to make progress as we work through this event.”</p>
<p>Clay blows out a breath, untensing his shoulders. Nodding, he wipes the palms of his hands on his pants. “I’m ready to start working through this. With Justin and away from him, too.”</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>Texting Ani was an impulse decision.</p>
<p>Walking out of therapy, feeling the warm air on his face, one of the last days of sun before the weather began to shift into cooler and gloomier days, Clay found that the thought of going back to the hospital right away felt suffocating.</p>
<p>Ani, who had answered almost immediately with an agreement to meet him at Monet’s smiles as she walks through the door and sits down at the table by the window. “I didn’t think I’d hear from you for a little while,” she smiles, setting her bag down. “How are you doing?”</p>
<p>“Fine,” Clay says dismissively, and then shakes his head. “I just… I needed a break from the hospital. I told my mom I was meeting with you so she didn’t worry.”</p>
<p>Ani nods, reaching for the tea Clay ordered for her and taking a sip. “You’ve been there all the time, right?”</p>
<p>Clay nods once, stirring the spoon through his coffee methodically. “Justin’s doing better, but it’s just hard to watch him sleep and be in pain and know that there’s nothing any of us can do that makes it better for him.”</p>
<p>“Do you talk to him about maybe finding something that would make it feel better?’</p>
<p>Clay shrugs, forcing himself to take a sip of his coffee. “He’s not going to say,” he replies quietly. “He tells the doctors and nurses when he’s in pain and asks for more pain medicine, which is more than I thought he’d do. I guess… I guess I just thought when he woke up we would see some sort of progress or everything would be fine and we’d get to go home in a few days. And I know that’s silly, but -”</p>
<p>“It’s not silly,” Ani smiles, reaching her hand over to rest on Clay’s. “I think it’s normal to assume that Justin would’ve been well enough to come home after he woke up, especially since it’s been a few days. Do you have a timeline on when he’ll be able to leave?”</p>
<p>“No,” Clay sighs, shaking his head. He chews the corner of his lip, shaking his head. “I’m not sure I want to know, either. I’m better off just taking it day by day, I think. That way I don’t project onto Justin if he doesn’t make the timeline they say.”</p>
<p>Ani nods, curling her hands over Clay’s. She watches him, using her free hand to sip her tea, and then speaks up. “Is there anything you need? We tried to make the gift baskets generic, but I’m sure we could’ve thrown a few more things in that were strictly yours.”</p>
<p>A hint of a smile passes across Clay’s face as he shakes his head. “What you guys did, making those for all of us, adding things we both liked, it’s more than we ever could’ve asked for. Justin was super appreciative of everything you put in there, and that he could use some of it now. I don’t - you don’t have to do anything more for us,” he promises, flipping his hand over to hold hers. “I’m definitely coming back to school, by the way. I decided this afternoon with Dr. Ellman that to keep me from overthinking and dwelling on the accident, being in school full-time is the best thing for me.”</p>
<p>Ani sits up straighter, brightening. “While we’ll all be happy to have you back, I have to say that I think I’m the most excited about having you there with me,” she says, laughing.</p>
<p>Clay smiles, relaxing, allowing himself to sink into the moment and enjoy being with his friend, the guilt of not spending every waking moment by Justin’s slide slowly beginning to slip away.</p>
<p>It’s what he needed, and what he’s going to hang onto as they continue to walk through the weeks and Justin’s recovery.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>It takes two physical therapists, two nurses and Matt’s steady hand on Justin’s back to move Justin to the side of the bed, his legs hanging over and a walker sitting in front of him.</p>
<p>“We’re going to take it nice and slow, Justin. All we’re going to do is stand first,” Max, one of the therapists, explains, moving his hand under Justin’s arm.</p>
<p>Justin nods, hands shaking as he reaches out for the walker with his right hand. Lainie watches, chewing on her lip with tears in her eyes as she and Clay stand back and give them space to work.</p>
<p>Justin holds onto the walker as tight as he can with both hands, wincing as they all help him stand up. Justin’s shaky, leaning back heavily against Matt as he shifted to sit behind him, holding his hips. He has to mind the chest tube and various monitors, steadying his son with careful hands as he narrowly misses grabbing one of his stab wounds.</p>
<p>Annie watches Justin’s vitals, nodding to the therapists. “Okay, Justin, we’re going to take some steps,” Max says after a moment. “Don’t worry about the monitors. Just focus on taking small steps.”</p>
<p>Justin stares at the walker, focusing on his breathing. He tries to psych himself up, quickly shaking his head and shifting his weight on Matt. “Feels too hard. Legs feel like jelly. And hard at the same time.”</p>
<p>“One step, Justin. You can do it, we’re right here,” Max encourages. “We won’t let anything happen to you, we’re all here to step in if you need us.”</p>
<p>Justin shakes his head defiantly. “I can’t do it.”</p>
<p>After being a bystander, Clay steps forward, standing directly in front of Justin next to Annie. “You can do it. We’re right here. Dad’s holding onto you, he’s not going to let you fall. Just take one step towards me.”</p>
<p>Lifting his head, Justin takes a look at Clay and nods. Taking a breath, he wills his right foot forward, his left leg following behind. It’s clumsy, Matt has to tighten his grip slightly on his son, but Justin takes a step forward, squeezing his eyes shut. “Fuck.”</p>
<p>“That’s it, kiddo. Just a few more steps to the chair, okay?” Max smiles. “We’ll go as slow as you need, and Dad is just behind you if you get tired.”</p>
<p>It’s painfully slow, and Clay has to use vague threats on more than one occasion, but eventually they make it to the chair, slowly helping him sit down as Annie moves to take his vitals with ease.</p>
<p>“That was really good, Justin. I know it was only a few steps, but after last night, it’s encouraging that you’re willing to even try walking,” Max says, looking back at Justin. “I know that was harder than you thought it was going to be.</p>
<p>“My legs felt like lead,” Justin sighs, staring at his shaking hand. “And I just feel really weak.”</p>
<p>“That’s normal,” Max promises. “We’re going to work on building up your strength. It will take time, but soon you’ll be walking by yourself again.” He promises to be back soon, excusing himself from the room. Annie continues to adjust monitors and take vitals, smile as Justin sinks against the chair.</p>
<p>“Just breathe. You’re doing well, Justin,” she says, excusing herself from the room with a promise to be back in 10 minutes to check on him.</p>
<p>Lainie walks back and covers his legs with a blanket, brushing her fingers through his hair. “I’m so proud of you, my love. I know you don’t feel well.”</p>
<p>“‘s too bright,” Justin whispers, and Clay rushes to close the curtains tighter, Matt walking to dim the lights.</p>
<p>“You’re okay,” Lainie soothes, brushing the sweaty wisps of hair off Justin’s forehead. “Are you comfortable?”</p>
<p>Justin shrugs. “I guess,” he sighs. “Just… hurts.”</p>
<p>“I know,” she nods, chewing on the corner of her lip. “They’re keeping you as comfortable as possible, but I know sometimes that doesn’t feel like enough.”</p>
<p>Justin closes his eyes, hand reaching out. Matt moves back to his son’s side, taking his hand at his request. “Just breathe, it’s okay. We’re going to try to make it 10 minutes in the chair, and then we’ll move back to bed, okay?” he promises, relieved when Justin agrees.</p>
<p>Matt takes a turn taking care of Justin, studying the bruises littering his face and the various tubes and wires still attached. He pulls a chair closer to him, talking softly to ease Justin and distract him for a moment.</p>
<p>He tries to come up with a plan for what happens now, but his attempts fall flat. Right now he needs to trust the doctors and the therapists and agree to plans to best help his son, who needs him and Lainie more than ever.</p>
<p>Clay watches from the side, and after a moment of knowing that Justin is okay, Lainie moves back to sit with him for a moment. “Honey, I know it’s hard to watch Justin like this,” she says softly. “I know it’s hard to see him in pain and confused and having trouble doing things that you and I take for granted. It’s hard for me to watch, too. I feel helpless. But he needs all of us right now, and especially you.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Clay breathes. He squeezes his eyes shut, shaking his head. “I just — it’s almost like I don’t know if it ever gets any better from here.”</p>
<p>“He’s scared, Clay,” Lainie reminds him. “The other day he had a machine breathing for him, today he’s on less medication and they have him out of bed, but he’s confused and he’s still in pain, and that’s incredibly scary.”</p>
<p>“Why doesn’t he just say that then?”</p>
<p>Lainie smiles, eyes flicking between Clay and back to Justin and Matt. “I think it’s hard for him to express that, but even if he could, when have you ever known Justin to admit that he’s scared of anything?” she asks. It earns a laugh from Clay, who shakes his head. “Justin may never say that he’s scared, but he is, honey. And it’s up to us to reassure him. We have to be positive, okay? He’ll be scared if we show him anything else.”</p>
<p>Clay nods, taking a moment before standing up. Lainie watches, notices the way his eyes linger on Justin before turning back to her, and then sighs. “He needs me, right?” he says, turning and walking back to sit across from Justin in another chair.</p>
<p>Lainie smiles when Clay takes Justin’s hand and speaks quietly to him, a half smile appearing on her younger son’s face. Lainie feels the emotions welling inside of her, snapping a photo of her boys in front of her for posterity before she stands to join them.</p>
<p>“Doing okay, sweetheart?” she asks, leaning against the arm of Matt’s chair.</p>
<p>Justin nods, breathing as he looks up at her. “When can I see friends?”</p>
<p>“We’ll talk about it with Dr. Holden. Soon, we hope,” she promises.</p>
<p>The answer seems to be enough for Justin, who agrees to let Lainie run a washcloth through his hair to remove the last bit of blood etched into his scalp. She’s gentle, listens to the monitors beep steadily and watches Justin’s ticks to determine what was hurting, working meticulously and quickly. “You tell me if you need me to stop,” she reminds him, dipping the washcloth back in the water.</p>
<p>Justin hums. “Feels good,” he whispers, pressing into her touch as he squeezes Clay’s hand. Matt and Lainie share a glance, smiling.</p>
<p>This is nice. Normal.</p>
<p>What they’ve been hoping for.</p>
<p>This certainly felt like a leap in the right direction, a start of working to milestones that Lainie remembers feeling so impossible that first sleepless night. She pictures the list in her mind, smiling to herself as she imagines crossing the first task off their list.</p>
<p>
  <em>Stand and walk (with assistance).</em>
</p>
<p>Baby steps.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you guys for reading/commenting/leaving kudos!</p>
<p>this is the second half of last week's chapter! decided to break it up when i realized it would've been ridiculously long lol.</p>
<p>hope you all had a safe and happy holiday season, and best wishes for the new year! hopefully it goes much better than last year :)</p>
<p>see you next Friday!</p>
<p>title of chapter from Cross Your Mind by Niall Horan :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. we gotta find a way to be okay</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Lainie helps Justin through a long night, the friend group gets to visit, and Lainie gets a welcomed visitor.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lainie nursed Clay through his fair share of fevers.</p>
<p>The late nights lying in his bed, cool washcloth pressed against his forehead and her fingers dancing along his back, a desperate attempt to soothe him. Changing his sheets and pajamas as he soaked through with sweat. Coaxing him to drink water, talking to him about nothing as he presses against her side, relief and exhaustion washing over her when he was finally granted relief.</p>
<p>As it turns out, helping Justin break a fever while he’s tethered to monitors and tubes battling an infection in the ICU is significantly more difficult, and it leaves Lainie feeling desperate.</p>
<p>Justin has been clinging to her hand from the moments things began to escalate, his hair matted to his forehead underneath a sheen layer of sweat. Liza had been calm, a welcomed presence in the room, and upon reading the thermometer, turned to Lainie.</p>
<p>“I think he’s trying to break the fever. Let’s remove at least the top half of his hospital gown, give him some air and cool him off,” She says quietly, a calming presence in the room.</p>
<p>Lainie watches as nurses untie and remove the sleeves of Justin’s hospital gown, letting it bunch just where the blankets meet his torso. It exposes everything that had been tucked away.</p>
<p>The gauze wrapped around the chest tube that disappears beneath his skin. The smattering of electrodes on his chest. Three short gauze pads covering the stab wounds.</p>
<p>The much larger bandage covering his surgery incision, the same one that was used to inspect his belly and ensure there was no damage.</p>
<p>She had seen them before, on the afternoons the nurses would examine the scars and change out the dressings. Her focus was always solely on Justin, holding his hand and helping him breathe through the pain while Matt and Clay walked the halls until it was safe to come back. Lainie would talk to him about Clay’s plans to deep clean their room or how his friends had offered to make him new smoothie concoctions when he was ready for food.</p>
<p>This was the first chance she had to really get a chance to look at the scars left behind. The bandages, the bruising across his torso, the monitors.</p>
<p>She felt sick to her stomach.</p>
<p>“M-mom,” Justin cries, pain etched through his words. He squeezes his eyes shut, hand searching for hers.</p>
<p>“It’s Lainie, sweetheart,” she reminds him in hopes that he’s not searching for Amber. She ignores the sick feeling at the thought of her son reaching for a mother who was never really a mother to him at all. “I’m right here, you’re okay. I’m not leaving, I promise.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, head turning towards her, and Liza watches as she listens to his breathing. “Everything sounds okay, and his vitals are stable. This seems to be his fever breaking, not his fever spiking. It’s going to be uncomfortable, but he’s doing really well.”</p>
<p>Lainie nods, thanking her softly. She hesitates for a moment, thumb tracing along Justin’s skin. Her sleep-deprived mind searches deeply for what she would do if the circumstances were normal. If she were in Justin’s bedroom with him, helping him through the last of the fever that had been lingering like any other would.</p>
<p>“Can I lay with him?” she asks, brushing her thumb just under the oxygen and adjusting it behind his ear.</p>
<p>Liza’s face softens. “You’ll have to come around this side of the bed, but I think it’d be okay,” she nods. “It may bring a sense of comfort to him, having you so close. His pulse lowers when you talk to him. You bring him comfort.”</p>
<p>Lainie smiles, shifting her attention back to her son. “Justin, sweetheart, would you feel better if I laid with you? Or would you rather me just stay to the side holding your hand. I don’t want to be too close if you’re uncomfortable.”</p>
<p>Justin’s eyes open, clouded with fever, and manage to look with her gaze. “Want you to lay with me,” he whispers, squeezing her hand, and she agrees immediately.</p>
<p>She moves over to the other side of the bed, letting Liza help move some monitors so she can slide into bed beside Justin.</p>
<p>Justin was her son who needed more physical affection. He didn’t shy away from a hug from her, or leaning against her as they watched TV. Clay mostly grew out of that when he was a teen, begging her to stop smoothing his hair out or hugging him in front of his friends.</p>
<p>She’s always thought that Justin didn’t have this physical affection growing up. It was evident in the CPS reports and his mannerisms, the habits ingrained in him that they were so desperately trying to break. Lainie was more than happy to make up for it now, with gentle touches and kind reassurances.</p>
<p>After navigating the numerous IVs and monitors, Lainie settles on the mattress next to Justin, who immediately presses against her. His head presses into her shoulder, arm folding around her arm, and she instinctively takes his free hand, holding tightly and pressing her cheek to the top of his head.</p>
<p>“You’re okay, it’s okay,” she promises, thumb stroking the back of his hand. “Keep breathing, Justin. I’m right here.”</p>
<p>“It hurts, it hurts, it hurts,” he whispers, leaning his body weight against her. “Lainie, p-please. Make it stop, please.”</p>
<p>She looks to Liza helplessly, who sighs. “We can’t give him anything quite yet. It’s entirely possible this is also delirious pain. It tends to happen sometimes when patients are breaking fevers. He’s not entirely with us right now.”</p>
<p>Lainie nods, not comforted in the slightest in knowing that Justin was suffering. She turns her attention back to Justin, pushing her fingers through his hair.</p>
<p>“Honey, I want you to squeeze my hand as hard as you need to. I can handle it, I promise. Squeeze as hard as you need to for the pain, okay?”</p>
<p>She feels Justin nod against her shoulder, taking a breath. It takes a moment, but he squeezes her hand weakly. Liza watches, monitors his vitals, and promises she’ll be back in 15 minutes for a dose of medication.</p>
<p>“You’re doing so well, love,” she soothes, reaching her hand over to cup his cheek. She feels his muscles relax, her fingers brushing against the NG tube, feather light over the bruise still healing under his eye. “I’m right here, I’m not leaving. Just keep breathing.”</p>
<p>“Hurts,” he whispers. “I can’t do this anymore, Lainie. Please make… make it stop.”</p>
<p>“I know, Justin. I know it hurts, sweetheart,” she soothes. She leans back, pressing a kiss to his head. “Everything is okay. You’re going to be okay. But I need you to keep fighting.”</p>
<p>“S-stay,” he moans when she shifts slightly, gripping her hand harder. She squeezes back, rubbing his shoulder.</p>
<p>“I’m not leaving,” she promises. She watches Liza return, quietly giving him medication and checking his vitals, and then slips back out with the promise to check on him again soon.</p>
<p>Lainie stays awake until Justin falls asleep fitfully against his shoulder, hand laced in hers.</p>
<p>When Liza returns over an hour later, she smiles. “His fever broke, and his vitals are stabilizing,” she whispers, maneuvering expertly around Lainie to continue assessing Justin.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Saturday.</strong>
</p>
<p>Matt returns alone the next morning just as visiting hours begin, surprised to find both Lainie and Justin asleep in bed.</p>
<p>He pauses in the doorway, snaps a photo for posterity’s sake, to remind him of this moment they’re fighting through, and studies the bandages that are now full display.</p>
<p>His son is alive, he reminds himself. Nothing else matters. Those scars will heal. It will be okay.</p>
<p>“Justin had an eventful night,” Annie smiles, moving to stand in the doorway beside him. “But his fever broke and his vitals are stable.”</p>
<p>Matt breathes, feeling the tension in his shoulders ease. “Thank you,” he whispers.</p>
<p>“Liza told us he was pretty uncomfortable and in a lot of pain. He just wanted your wife. And clearly, they made it work.” She steps in, expertly maneuvering around Lainie to check on Justin.</p>
<p>“I’ll get him a new hospital gown to have ready when he wakes up. You guys can page me when he’s awake and I’ll help get it on around the monitors.”</p>
<p>Matt nods, moving to stand beside his wife. He waits until Annie excuses herself before brushing his fingers through Lainie’s hair. “Honey,” he whispers, smiling when she opens her eyes and looks up at him.</p>
<p>“Don’t move too much, Justin’s asleep on your shoulder.”</p>
<p>Lainie suddenly becomes aware of the weight against her shoulder, damp curls pressed into her t-shirt. He snores softly, the tape fraying at the edges where it’s fastened to his cheek, and carefully she brushes the end of the tube back behind his ear.</p>
<p>“His fever broke,” she whispers, pressing the back of her hand to the exposed section of his forehead, relieved to feel it much cooler. “It was heartbreaking, Matt. He was crying out in pain, begging me not to leave him. I didn’t — I wanted to cry.”</p>
<p>Matt leans down, pressing a soft kiss to her lips. “He’s okay now. And he had you the whole night, and clearly that made him feel better.”</p>
<p>Lainie nods, pressing her cheek to the top of his head. She savors the moment, kissing him softly, and then gently untangles herself from his grasp.</p>
<p>“Shh, it’s okay Justin,” she whispers when he stirs, eyes opening. “I’m just getting up. Do you want me to stay?”</p>
<p>Justin blinks, looking around the room. He notices Matt standing there, Lainie sitting beside him, and realizes what happened the night before.</p>
<p>“You can get up,” he mumbles, voice hoarse. He lets go of her hand, shifting in the bed when she stands up. She kisses his forehead, going to change in the bathroom. ‘Where’s Clay?”</p>
<p>“He was stopping by to see Ani this morning,” Matt smiles. “Don’t worry, he’ll be here as soon as possible, okay?”</p>
<p>Justin presses his hand to his eye, nodding. “‘m not worried about him. He needs to be away from here for a little while.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Matt nods. “How are you feeling, kiddo?”</p>
<p>“A little better,” he sighs, blinking blearily.</p>
<p>“Your fever broke during the night,” Matt continues, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “Annie said she would bring an extra gown for you when you’re ready to change. Want me to call her?”</p>
<p>He nods, reaching for Matt to help him sit up. “Can I shower?”</p>
<p>“We can ask, sure,” Matt nods.</p>
<p>After consulting with Dr. Holden, Justin is granted a quick shower provided he uses the shower chair in the bathroom. Justin agrees, allowing Annie to apply waterproof adhesives to all of his bandages, double checking his chest tube and NG tube before they all walk to the bathroom together, Max coming upstairs to supervise Justin walking with Matt’s support.</p>
<p>Wanting to give their son a bit of privacy and dignity, Matt and Lainie allow Annie to be the one to help. She assists him into the bathroom, supervises to make sure he’s okay, and, once he’s dressed back into clean boxers and a new hospital gown, she allows Matt back in to help him slowly walk back to the bed, Annie hovering as Max checks in.</p>
<p>“Feel a little better now?” Lainie asks, helping Justin with the blankets as he lays down in bed. She smiles as he nods, smoothing the blanket from home over his legs.</p>
<p>“It made me so tired.”</p>
<p>“You had a big night last night,” Annie smiles, moving back to the side of the bed to reassess his incisions and apply new bandages. “I know this is uncomfortable, I’m sorry buddy. I’ll be as gentle as possible.”</p>
<p>“Can I have medicine?” he whispers, knuckles gripping the blankets.</p>
<p>Lainie frowns, moving back to his side and taking his hand. “Squeeze as hard as you have to,” she reminds him, cupping his cheek and turning him to look at her.</p>
<p>He nods, squeezing hard while pressing his face against her palm. Annie speaks softly, letting him know she just administered the pain medicine and that it’ll kick in in a few minutes.</p>
<p>He can hear Lainie thank her, footsteps trail away, and Matt appear on his other side, fingers running through his hair. “Keep breathing,” he reminds him softly, and Justin nods frantically, muscles relaxing as the pain medication slowly kicks in. “Clay’s almost here.”</p>
<p>Justin falls into a fitful state of sleep, Matt moves to sit in the chair that’s permanently by his bedside, and Lainie reluctantly goes back to the table in the corner of the room, sifting through insurance papers while she has a spare moment.</p>
<p>There’s a feeling of relief filling the room. Justin’s monitors are showing stable vitals, he got up and moved around, and he felt well enough to shower, albeit with much more assistance than he was probably comfortable with.</p>
<p>She glances over at the checklist they received one of the first nights Justin was admitted, a time that wasn't all that long ago and yet seems so far away. Smiling, she realizes last night they checked off a huge one.</p>
<p>
  <em>Break fever.</em>
</p>
<p>One down, a million more to go, but a sense of accomplishment and joy washed over her.</p>
<p>A little closer to feeling like things were going to be okay.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>Jessica Davis resides on a quiet, tree-lined street about five minutes from the Jensens, a traditional home at the top of the hill.</p>
<p>Clay’s run past it hundreds of time, feet carrying him without so much of a second glance up the hill at the house. He and Jess were cordial, passing each other here and there in the hallway. Clay had attended a party at her house junior year at the insistence of Hannah, hiding out on the sofa and people watching through the incredibly uncomfortable situation he found himself in. The pair then only really became close following Hannah’s death and the subsequent adoption of Justin by the Jensens just over a year later.</p>
<p>He parked the Prius in the driveway Saturday morning, long before Ani or Jess would normally be awake and texted Ani, who ran outside in her pajamas and a sweatshirt with a smile on her face, wrapping her arms around Clay tightly as if it had been months they’d been apart.</p>
<p>“I didn’t want to text too many times because I knew you had a lot going on,” she explains, cupping his face in her hands. “How are you doing? Sorry, I’m sure you’ve gotten that question a million times.”</p>
<p>Clay shakes his head. He holds her close, dipping his head in the curve of her shoulder, and lets the moment be for a minute. “It’s hard,” he admits, his voice vibrating against her skin, hairs standing up on their end. “Justin is so, so hurt, and he’s confused, and all I keep thinking is that we’re never going to get out of this.”</p>
<p>Ani’s hand, small and light, rubs along Clay’s back, his hair tickling her neck. She breathes in his scent, generic shampoo and apple body wash, savoring the moment of the two of them being back together.</p>
<p>“He’s getting better, isn’t he?” she asks, but it immediately feels like the wrong question and for a moment Ani wishes she could take it back. She mutters an apology, opening her mouth to say that he doesn’t have to answer, but he pulls his head back and looks at her.</p>
<p>“He’s getting better,” he nods, leaning back against his car. “He walked around his room yesterday and my mom said he broke his fever mostly last night, and that’s a huge step. But he’s still in the ICU and he’s in pain and so confused, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this charade of being positive for him.”</p>
<p>Reaching forward, Ani brushes his hair back away from his face, kneading her fingers into his scalp. “You don’t feel like you’re doing the right thing,” she observes after a moment.</p>
<p>Clay laughs, flinching away and shaking his head. “You know Justin,” he sighs, gesturing to no one. “He likes things told to him straight. He likes people telling him what’s going on and what’s going to happen, and he doesn’t like the constant positivity that they keep telling us we need to do.”</p>
<p>Ani takes Clay’s hand, squeezing. “Does he seem like he hates the positivity you all give him?”</p>
<p>Hesitating, Clay shakes his head.</p>
<p>“Then maybe it’s okay. For at least right now,” she suggests after a moment. “Maybe until he’s a little more coherent or feeling a little better, and then you can be straight with him.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, maybe,” Clay agrees, resigned as he sinks back against the car.</p>
<p>Ani chews on the corner of her lip, fingers flinching in Clay’s grasp, the ache in her bones to do something not unlike the same urge she sees in her mother as she takes care of her patients and their families day and night.</p>
<p>“I know you want to get back to the hospital,” she begins, taking a slow step forward, her sweatshirt brushing against Clay’s own sweatshirt. “But why don’t you come in and have breakfast with Jess and I? Spend some time away from Justin, let your parents stay with him while you get the rest you need.”</p>
<p>Clay feels the instinct to decline. He wants to push her back, climb in the driver's seat, and drive over the speed limit to the hospital. The route is ingrained in his brain, a second reflex at this point, and he wants nothing more than to be able to go through with it at this moment.</p>
<p>But Ani, who he cares for and wants to be with more than anything, is offering a brief reprieve from the difficult and oftentimes suffocating surroundings of the hospital. Although his mind tells him to be with Justin, to not leave his side and focus solely on him before he returns to school in a few days, leaving him for the day and only visiting in the evening, he thinks back to the conversation he and Justin were having just before everything turned south.</p>
<p>Justin wouldn’t mind if he stayed with Ani. In fact, Justin would probably be annoyed if he heard that he declined a breakfast with Ani just to come sit at his side and watch him sleep or do physical therapy.</p>
<p>He squeezes Ani’s hand, pushing himself to stand up away from the car. “Breakfast sounds good,” he breathes, smiling when Ani breaks out into a proud grin, leading him back up the front walk and into Jess’ house.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>Jessica Davis thrived on planning.</p>
<p>It started when she was young, unruly curls bouncing on her head as she danced around their house in Texas, a temporary home while her dad was stationed for nine months. She would spend hours using construction paper and decorative scissors, cutting out invitations with messy 6 year old handwriting to her tea parties that occurred each afternoon, strategically during her brother Elijah’s nap so she’d have her mother’s full attention.</p>
<p>Oftentimes, her father politely declined with a gentle reminder that he’d be at work during the event, asking for a rescheduled date on the weekend when he’d be home. She would nod eagerly, spending the rest of the week planning an extravagant tea party for the weekend. In the meantime, her mother always attended in fancy hats and dress up necklaces from Jessica’s bin that traveled with them, giggling with her daughter as they sipped on apple juice and ate Cheez-Its from a special plastic plate.</p>
<p>When she moved to Evergreen at 16, she wasn’t expecting to fall in love with Justin Foley. Their love story was messy, tangled with vicious rumors and a rough home life for Justin, one Jess knew she couldn’t help him escape from. They broke up and got back together more than they should have, but Jessica can’t stop herself from wanting to love him, wanting to be with him.</p>
<p>She’ll never stop thinking about the nights he’d sneak through the window, nose bleeds and bruises and wincing as he took steps to collapse on her bed. He never wanted to talk about it, never elaborated. He just thanked her for a place to sleep and a promise that he’d be out by morning, long before either of her parents noticed he had been there at all.</p>
<p>In turn, she didn’t know much about Seth. She’d heard rumors from Bryce and Monty and Zach about how horrible he was. But it was hard for her to gauge how much she could trust their words. How true they could be when they were coming from the mouths of boys who largely took no regard of other people’s feelings into account.</p>
<p>The first weekend following Justin’s attack, Jess paced the house. Ani, who had once had plans to go on a date with Clay that weekend, came over. They made cookies and watched romcoms, only stopping when Jess’ phone lit up with a text from Mrs. Jensen on Saturday evening.</p>
<p>She scrambled to grab it, Ani reading over her shoulder, her breath constricted in her throat.</p>
<p>
  <em>Hi, Jessica. I’m sorry for only texting you, but your number was the only one I had. I trust that you’ll be able to share this with the group.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Justin has made some progress over the last few days, and his fever has decreased significantly. His doctors have agreed that it’d be beneficial for him to see his friends, hopefully lift his spirits a little. You won’t be able to stay long, and we’ll ask that you break off in pairs, as the whole group at once would overwhelm him and the ICU is pretty strict with visitors. I can’t guarantee you’ll all be able to see him on the same day, but I thought maybe tomorrow if you guys would like, you could come?</em>
</p>
<p>“Holy shit,” Ani mumbles, a smile spreading across her face. “Clay didn’t mention anything about this this morning.”</p>
<p>“Maybe it’s a new decision,” Jess says, typing furiously. “I mean, this is huge. If he’s doing well enough to have us all there? Even if it’s in groups.”</p>
<p>
  <em>Hi Mrs. Jensen! Of course I’ll pass this along to the group. We’re all very glad he’s doing well enough to see us, even if it’s for a short amount of time. I’ll talk to the group and we’ll be there tomorrow. I’ll text you when we arrive. Please let me know if there’s anything we can bring any of you.</em>
</p>
<p>Ani stands, pacing through the kitchen and grabbing a cookie. “Okay, so we have to start thinking about the pairs that are going to visit him. And who should go first in case we can’t all see him tomorrow.”</p>
<p>Texting the group chat furiously, Jess sets her phone down and watches as Ani returns, crossing her legs and sitting on the sofa beside her. “I think it makes the most sense for you and I to go together, right?” Jess asks, smiling as she reaches out for Ani’s offering of the remaining cookie in her hand.</p>
<p>Ani smirks. “It does, but I think you should be the one to see him first. And you know the group will agree.”</p>
<p>“Maybe,” Jess shrugs, leaning back against the pillows. Together they work out the pairs, going back and forth on the pairings before settling, sending them to the group chat with mild enthusiasm.</p>
<p>Pulling the Thai takeout menu out of the cabinet, Jess slides it across the counter for Ani to look at. “Is it weird that I’m nervous to see him tomorrow?” she asks, moving to lean over Ani’s shoulder. “I just… if he’s in the ICU he’s still pretty sick, and judging what we know about his injuries, it’s probably going to be hard to see him as anything less than what he normally looks like.”</p>
<p>Ani points to what she wants to order, sighing. “I’m sure Mrs. Jensen will prepare all of us before we get to see him. And she wouldn’t be allowing us to visit if Justin wasn’t ready.”</p>
<p>Jess shrugs, calling and placing their orders. “I guess I just worry that he’s going to look or act different, and then I won’t know how to act around him.”</p>
<p>Ani looks at her incredulously, cocking her head. “You really think you’re not going to know how to act in front of Justin?” she asks, looking at her. “Jess, he’s just going to be happy to see you. You don’t have to act differently around him. We know the Jensens wouldn’t be allowing visitors if they weren’t absolutely sure that Justin was ready for this.”</p>
<p>Blowing out a breath, Jess nods. She pulls the blanket around her, allowing Ani to answer the door when their dinner arrives, and tries not to overthink seeing her best friend for the first time since the accident.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Sunday.</strong>
</p>
<p>Charlie was eleven years old when his mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.</p>
<p>He remembers the day his parents sat him down so vividly, tears dotting the edges of his mother’s eyes, her hand grasped firmly in the embrace of his father’s, who explained in terms he could understand that his mother was very sick, but the doctors were going to do everything they could to make her better.</p>
<p>Just shy of two years later, thirteen year old Charlie brought his mother home from Byrne Hospital with his father, a hospice team visiting their house every day until she passed nine days later in her own bed surrounded by the two of them.</p>
<p>It wasn’t that he hated Byrne Hospital. He had been a patient there himself a handful of times since her death, football injuries and the evident growing pains of becoming the starting quarterback as a sophomore pushed to the forefront. It was more that the hospital that had once promised to do everything they could to save his mother hadn’t followed through, and he had to learn to live without her.</p>
<p>Alex had slept over Friday night after the game, the two talking into the early morning, curled up in bed together as the crickets chirped outside the window. The Booster Club had held a moment of silence for Justin, and the team draped his jersey over the back of the benches, the cheerleaders hanging his away jersey on the chain link fence of the stands, where students and parents had laid flowers and notes of encouragement he would never see or receive.</p>
<p>Charlie woke up to the formal plans from Jess after hearing they could see Justin the previous evening, Alex leaning back against his headboard reading his own phone.</p>
<p>“You’re going to want to see him, right?” he had asked, voice raspy and quiet as he reached over to run his fingers through his boyfriend’s hair.</p>
<p>Charlie hums, nudging his head against his boyfriend’s palm, and nods. “Justin is one of my closest friends,” he whispered, fingers tracing patterns along the pant leg of Alex’s sweatpants. “I know the two of you aren’t close, but I’d appreciate it if you came, even if you don’t want to come in to see him.”</p>
<p>Alex dropped his phone to the side, furrowing his brow. “I never said I didn’t want to see him,” he counters, sighing. He sinks down, resting his cheek against Charlie’s hair, still damp from his shower the night before. “Justin and I don’t always get along, but I care about him and I care about you. You and I are paired together, and I won’t make you go see him alone.”</p>
<p>Charlie shifts, pushing himself so he’s eye level with Alex. “How are you? With going to the hospital and everything?” he asks, reaching out to brush his thumb along his jawline. “We didn’t talk about it last week when we went to the emergency room.”</p>
<p>Twisting, Alex moves to stare at the ceiling, shrugging. “I mean, I don’t remember a lot of my time in the ICU. Moving down to a normal floor wasn’t that traumatic,” he shrugs. “It’s no different than being at home, I guess. I had to do a lot of recovering once I was out of the hospital, too.”</p>
<p>“So being at the hospital, sitting in the ICU waiting room and then going to Justin’s room won’t be bad for you?”</p>
<p>Alex reaches, hand grasping Charlie’s much larger hand and squeezing. “No, I’ll be okay,” he promises, shifting his head to look at him. “And if I’m not, I’ll say something.”</p>
<p>Charlie’s face spreads out into a grin, leaning over and kissing him, hands tugging at Alex’s hair. “Let’s get ready, then.”</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>The last time Zach stood outside of Byrne Hospital, it was dreary and drizzling freezing rain on the first Thursday of the new year.</p>
<p>His father had been in an accident caused by the slick roads and unstable weather pushing through Evergreen. His mom, ever stoic, explained to him and May in the car that it was critical, and what was going to happen when they got there was what was meant to be.</p>
<p>He stood at the foot of his father’s bed in the ICU as he took his final breaths, ushering May out of the room when the monitors flatlined and his mother weeped, the only emotion she showed in the aftermath of her husband’s death.</p>
<p>He had been back to the hospital a handful of times since then for football injuries, and the two visits since Justin had been admitted last Monday. He hadn’t been into a room, and had a constant distraction of his friends to get him through their short waiting periods visiting, easing his anxiety.</p>
<p>Now, faced with the prospect of seeing the boy he considered his best friend and visiting a room this time, he felt sick. There was a pit in his stomach, gnawing at his nerves and tossing and turning as he sat outside on the ledge of the statue, head in his hands.</p>
<p>He’d tried multiple times to push himself through the entrance, Tyler, Jess and Ani already upstairs in the waiting room. Each time he got close enough to have the automatic doors open for him he backed away, finally settling on the brick wall as he watched strangers pass in and out with ease and a pang of jealousy rushing through him.</p>
<p>He sees Charlie and Alex’s feet before he looks up, their sneakers coming to a stop just in front of them.</p>
<p>“What are you doing out here?” Charlie asks, nudging the toe of his shoe against Zach’s. “I know some of the group is already upstairs, why aren’t you up there with them?”</p>
<p>Zach shakes his head, sighing. “I don’t know if I can go up there,” he admits quietly, shaking his head. “My dad died in that ICU, what if Justin is in that same room?”</p>
<p>Alex sits down beside Zach, knocking his knee against his. “What if he’s in the same room I was in?”</p>
<p>Zach looks up, opening his mouth to apologize.</p>
<p>“I don’t want you to apologize,” Alex smirks, looking over at him. “Look, I get it. This is tough for both of us, but we can’t just sit here and hide out because it’s easier than seeing Justin. He was there for us when we needed him, now we have to be there for him.”</p>
<p>Mulling it over, Zach pushes himself to his feet. “Right, you’re right. I don’t need to be a baby about this. This isn’t about me, it’s about Justin.”</p>
<p>“Your feelings aren’t invalid,” Charlie reminds him. “You can still feel anxious or nervous about being up there. And if you get there and you feel like you can’t do it, then we’ll come back outside. Justin will understand.”</p>
<p>“They may let us in as a group of three anyway,” Alex tries, the three of them walking through the double doors and taking the elevator up to the ICU.</p>
<p>Zach takes a deep breath, leaning back against the back wall of the elevator and reminding himself that this scenario is going to turn out better than the last time he was here.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>The ICU waiting room isn’t equipped to hold her sons’ entire friend group.</p>
<p>In an effort to take up the least amount of space possible, the group pushed themselves into the back corner of the waiting room, talking with each other quietly.</p>
<p>She’s grateful for that, in a strange way, that her boys are so loved by this group that has been through so much that they’re willing to come to the hospital on short notice without a guarantee that they’ll be able to see him. After a few days of heartache and anxiety over next steps, meetings with doctors and physical therapists and trauma therapists, the constant updates of the legal aspect of the attack, and making medical decisions on behalf of her son who cannot do so for himself quite yet has left her feeling alone, exhausted by the thought that one wrong decision could prove to be detrimental to her youngest, who has already dealt with so much.</p>
<p>She’s grateful for the reprieve of the ICU room she’s spent most of her time in, and for a moment of levity for her son, who will get to see someone other than family for the first time in a week.</p>
<p>It’s Charlie that notices Matt and Lainie walking towards them first, a bright smile greeting their tired faces as they say hello and sit in two chairs near the group.</p>
<p>“We’re so thankful all of you are here,” Lainie begins, tying her hair loosely into a ponytail off the nape of her neck. “I’m not sure how many of you will be able to see Justin today, but he’s excited to see as many of you as possible.”</p>
<p>Matt waits a moment until all of the kids nod, and then sits straighter. “We just wanted to prepare all of you for what Justin will be like when you do get to see him,” he begins. “Justin is still on a lot of monitors, and he’s also on oxygen. He has an NG tube that goes down his nose and is fastened to his cheek, and a chest tube that’s coming out of his right side. You’ll see the chest tube, but you won’t see where it is beneath his skin, his blankets and gown cover the bandages.” Pausing, Matt looks around the group. “Justin shifts in bed sometimes, but winces in pain if he does something too quickly. He also has some bruising on his face, and cuts and scrapes along his arms. These are minor, but we want you all to be very prepared.”</p>
<p>“Justin… he gets confused sometimes,” Lainie continues after a moment, pressing her lips into a thin smile. “He may ask you questions you’ve already answered, but it’s important to not waver. Don’t tell him that you told him or ask him how he could forget. Just answer again and let it go,” she explains.</p>
<p>Smoothing his hands over his jeans, Matt looks around to the group. “Clay is going to stay in the room just in case Justin needs something. As you may have predicted, Justin is a little stubborn about asking what he needs, but Clay will know when to step in to help if Justin needs it,” he smiles. “Lainie and I will give you some space, but Jessica can give you Lainie’s number should you need us for anything.”</p>
<p>When they’re both satisfied that all the kids understand what they’re going to see and how Justin will be, Matt and Lainie lead Jess and Ani through the doors to the ICU, stopping for sanitizer before walking into Justin’s room.</p>
<p>Jess feels her heart leap out of her chest when they open the door to see Justin, who smiles and pushes himself to sit up as she and Ani walk into the room</p>
<p>“It’s about time you don’t have a fever for 24 hours,” Ani says, which makes Justin laugh and then wince, reaching out for Clay to help steady him.</p>
<p>Ani stands at the foot of the bed, and Jess cautiously takes a step forward, resting her hand on his arm. “You okay?” she asks softly, eyes softening when his eyes meet hers.</p>
<p>“F-Fine,” he stutters, subconsciously resting his hand on his belly. “I just… big surgery. And the stab wounds” he gestures, and Jess nods like she understands. “I still have a fever.”</p>
<p>Jess smiles, watching as Clay masks his concern with his own smile, stepping back so Jess can sit down. “At least it’s at a point where you can finally have outside visitors.” Tentatively, she leans forward and takes his hand. “I’ve been so worried about you.”</p>
<p>Justin frowns, looking at Clay. “You told them I was fine, right?”</p>
<p>Clay sighs, moving to pull another chair over to sit next to Ani. “I told them that you were stabbed and injured. I told them that your lung collapsed and that you’re pretty sick, but you’re getting better,” he says. “I didn’t say you were fine because you’re not right now, are you?” he challenges.</p>
<p>Justin shrugs. He kicks his feet out, looking back between Jess and Ani. “My lung looks better,” he tries, shifting. “They said maybe the chest tube could come out in the next few days.”</p>
<p>Jess nods. “You don’t have to sugarcoat things for us,” she reminds him, looking to Ani to agree. “You can say it sucks.”</p>
<p>“It sucks," he admits, a smile passing across his face. “I can’t do anything without help. Not even stand.”</p>
<p>“Then say that. I hope you’re telling your family, at least. You don’t need to be this brave kid for them,” Jess reminds gently.</p>
<p>“I am telling them,” Justin defends, blowing out a breath as he sinks back against the pillows. “It’s not like they can do anything.”</p>
<p>Jess nods in understanding. “Sure, but if they know they can do something to at least get you through it,” she decides. Squeezing his hand, she studies his face. “We’re really, really glad you’re okay.”</p>
<p>Justin softens, nodding. “Wait, are you two dating now?” he asks after a moment, gesturing towards Clay and Ani.</p>
<p>Clay’s cheeks redden, his hands twitching. “No, we’re not,” he answers for them, smiling when Ani nudges his shoulder playfully. “We were supposed to hang out yesterday, but decided to put our plans on hold so I could be here with you.”</p>
<p>“Clay,” Justin whispers, voice strangled. He twists, squeezing his eyes shut. “You could have gone. You didn’t… I don’t want to be the reason you two don’t get to hang out.”</p>
<p>“You’re not,” Ani replies quickly, stepping in. Standing, she walks over and sits on the edge of Justin’s bed. “You’re not the reason we don’t hang out. We’ll hang out when the time is right, but I would rather Clay be here with you than with me.”</p>
<p>Justin sighs. “He really likes you,” he says, laughing when he sees Clay’s agitation. “Will you hang out with him soon?”</p>
<p>“Sure,” Ani laughs. “When you’re feeling a little better, he and I will hang out.”</p>
<p>“I’m right here, Justin,” Clay sighs. “You could just ask me, you know.”</p>
<p>Peering around Ani, Justin’s face spreads into a grin.</p>
<p>“Will you hang out with Ani soon?” he asks, stretching his legs out in front of him. “Even when I’m still in the hospital. You don’t have to be here all the time.”</p>
<p>“Now that you can have visitors, we can come hang out so Clay and Ani can hang out,” Jess offers, lacing her fingers with Justin’s. “Does that compromise work for you?”</p>
<p>Pressing his head back against the pillow, Justin nods. “Yeah, that works. That way Clay doesn’t have to miss out on things he was excited for.”</p>
<p>In an effort not to monopolize their time, Jess and Ani slip out, leaving Justin with careful hugs as Tyler and Tony come in to visit, talking about school and how things are going for them at Justin’s request.</p>
<p>Justin barely makes it through them sitting with him before falling asleep, Matt and Lainie returning to find him asleep, Clay sitting beside him reading their group chat idly.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>Jess looks like she’s seen a ghost when she walks back into the waiting room.</p>
<p>She sits back in the chair she once occupied, staring at the floor and reaching out for Alex’s hand.</p>
<p>“How was he?” Charlie asks after a minute, eyes glancing between Ani and Jess before settling on Jess.</p>
<p>“He was surprisingly good,” Ani answers, smiling. “He’s talking and joking. Definitely confused and you can tell he’s in pain, but he was way more alert than I thought he was going to be.”</p>
<p>“He’s a shell of himself,” Jess says, breaking her trance to look around the group. It’s the first time she’s noticed that Tony and Tyler had left to go see him, leaning back against the back of her chair. “He’s there, you can see his personality, but he’s guarded. And confused, and it’s almost like I didn’t know what to do or say around him.”</p>
<p>“You were the same way with me,” Alex says, shrugging. “You all were. I mean there’s nothing you can say to him that would make him be himself or feel like his normal self. He’s probably feeling super shitty and doesn’t want any of us to know.”</p>
<p>Jess shrugs, pulling her hand away and folding them in her lap. “I’ve never felt like I didn’t know what to do for him, though.”</p>
<p>“You said the same thing to me the first time you saw me after my accident,” Alex challenges. “You just have to be patient. It’ll take time, but we’ll get Justin back.”</p>
<p>Jess sinks further down in her chair, sighing. Conversations float around her quietly, but she can’t seem to focus on any of them, her mind focused solely on Justin.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>In the hours that Justin sleeps Clay fills his time doing schoolwork his teachers gave him no deadline for, reading memes the group chat had started sending again, and preparing to go back to school on Monday. He tries to pass the times in short bursts, making it five minutes on one task before he reevaluates.</p>
<p>He’s found that walking through the hospital’s courtyard helps, but the longer he’s gone the more anxious he feels that Justin woke up and will think he abandoned him.</p>
<p>Sometimes, he tries to sleep in the armchair by Justin’s bed. Sleeping at home, Justin’s empty bed beside him, hasn’t proven to be easy. He sleeps in short spans at night, often waking up in a sweat that something happened to Justin or he slept in and visiting hours had already begun. When he realizes they haven’t, he wills himself back to sleep, only to start the cycle over again.</p>
<p>Today he spends his time coloring in the adult coloring book Charlie put in their care package, taking his time with the color scheme and pattern he had been working on.</p>
<p>“You doing schoolwork?” Justin’s voice cut through the quiet, eyes closed as he lays still.</p>
<p>“I didn’t know you were awake,” Clay replies quietly, setting his colored pencil down.</p>
<p>Justin hums, a hint of a smile at the corner of his lips. “Don’t want to open my eyes. My head hurts pretty bad,” he whispers. “You’re still going back, right?”</p>
<p>“Tomorrow,” Clay replies quietly. “I’ll be back as soon as school is over to spend time with you, at least until visiting hours are over.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, sighing. “I’m glad you’re going back.”</p>
<p>“You’ll be okay here with Mom and Dad?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Justin laughs. “I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me too much, okay? I’ll keep working on getting better.”</p>
<p>“Good,” Clay breathes, leaning forward. “Want me to read you the group chat, or be quiet?”</p>
<p>“Group chat,” Justin decides after a moment, sinking further back into the pillows when Clay begins to read.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>On cold winter evenings, Evie and Lainie would wrap up in blankets in front of the fire watching animated movies until Lainie would pass out curled up against her sister. She remembers feeling so safe next to her, the two of them giggling and tossing marshmallows into their hot chocolates until their cheeks were bright red and hurt from laughter. Lainie’s always felt that no matter what happened, at least she would have Evie there for her at the end of the day, and always when she needed her most.</p>
<p>Standing in the bustling hallway of the Intensive Care Unit wrapped in her sister’s arms, Lainie feels herself travel back to those evenings.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner,” Evie whispers, pulling her sister back and brushing her fingers under Lainie’s eyes. “I didn’t want to overwhelm you guys, and then I had a few loose ends to tie up at home, and Greg had to make sure he could secure earlier ending times for a little while so I could be here. I figured two moody teenagers hanging around a waiting room wouldn’t be very beneficial right now.”</p>
<p>“You didn’t -” Lainie begins, shaking her head. Her bottom lip wobbles, pulling it between her teeth as she grips Evie’s arms gently. “I’m just grateful you’re here at all.”</p>
<p>A warm smile crosses Evie’s face. “Of course I’m here. I’m always here when you need me,” she reminds her softly. “How is he today?”</p>
<p>Evie, who had moved four hours away to a quiet town for her husband Greg’s work, came to Evergreen for holidays and long weekends in the summer with her two children who were a few years younger than Clay and Justin. Working as a pediatric physician’s assistant at a local doctor’s office, she and Lainie’s phone calls were usually relegated to late in the evening, laughing over a glass of wine between the two of them.</p>
<p>When Justin had first begun staying with them, Evie was skeptical. “I’ve seen a handful of kids in similar circumstances, Lain,” she said warily, a sight evident over the phone. “The abuse he’s probably endured, what he’s gone through, his drug addiction. None of it is going to be easy to get him through. Juggling him and Clay,” her voice clips, “it’s going to be hard. You need to make sure Clay is on board with this. The fostering, the adoption, the focus and attention Justin is going to need.”</p>
<p>And then she met Justin in person on a summer day three months after he came to live with them, when she dropped in unexpectedly on her way to Oregon for a conference her work had sent her to. Lainie sent a text to both boys while they were hanging out with friends, stressing that both she and Evie wouldn’t be upset if they waited for her to leave, that they understood if Justin wasn’t ready to meet extended family.</p>
<p>But Justin was eager, pushing through the nervousness and worry he had about meeting his aunt, coming home and charming Evie. It took less than an hour before Evie was sharing funny stories from her and Lainie’s childhood, asking Justin thoughtful questions and eating up every word he hung out for her to grab. They became close from then, and while Lainie sometimes felt a pang of jealousy at the ease between Justin and Evie, she was grateful that her sister seemed to take to him as quickly as she did.</p>
<p>So, it makes sense for her to be worried about Justin. There had been nonstop texts between the two since the attack, Evie promising each evening that she would be there as soon as she could. Lainie would send updates, photos and videos, longing for those easy afternoons when they were smaller and their biggest worry was refilling the kettle for hot chocolate.</p>
<p>“He’s doing okay,” she decides after a moment, pulling back and crossing her arms over her chest protectively. “Being more alert and weaned off of medications means more pain and confusion. He still sleeps a lot, and when he’s awake, it’s trying to get him to eat ice chips or walk to sit in the chair for a little while. It’s just… it’s a balancing act. But they’re hopeful the chest tube can come out tomorrow, which is a huge step to getting him out of the ICU and at least into a normal ward before we can go home.”</p>
<p>“Well that’s good news, right?” Evie offers, a smile crossing her face. “It’s one less tube for him to worry about. I’m sure it’s uncomfortable, maybe having the chest tube out will make him want to get up and walk more.”</p>
<p>Lainie blows out a breath, smiling. “I’ve needed your optimism,” she laughs, turning on her heels and walking back down the hall. “In a perfect world, yes, he’ll want to get up more, and the chest tube being gone will make him feel a lot better. But I had that optimism with removing the sedatives and the heavy pain medication, and it hasn’t helped at all.”</p>
<p>“What about Clay? How’s he doing?”</p>
<p>They come to a stop just outside of Justin’s room. “He still blames himself for what happened, for how bad it was, for not stepping in sooner. He doesn’t want Justin to know that it was him that saved him, and Justin doesn’t remember yet by himself anyway. He’s seen Dr. Ellman twice and will go weekly, but knowing that he thinks Justin’s circumstances are because of him,” she shudders, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth, “I feel helpless. Clay saved Justin, this could have - should have - been so much worse. And there’s nothing that I’m going to be able to say to make sure that Clay realizes that.”</p>
<p>Reaching out, Evie takes her hand. “All you can do is be there. For both of them,” she mumbles. “You’re doing everything you can, Lain. I think you need to take a step back and stop being so harsh on herself. Both boys are safe, they’re getting better, and maybe right now that’s all you can ask for.” Squeezing her sister’s hand for good measure, Evie smiles. “Now, are you going to let me see my nephews for a little while, or are we going to stand out here until visiting hours are over?”</p>
<p>Lainie laughs, shaking her head and leading her sister into the room.</p>
<p>Lainie doesn’t miss Justin brighten when he notices her, pushing himself with Clay’s assistance to sit up better. “Hi Aunt Evie,” he says quietly, carefully accepting a hug as best he can. “No one told me you were coming.”</p>
<p>“Thought you both deserved a little surprise after the last few days,” she smiles. “How are you both feeling?” she asks, walking around to hug Clay and Matt.</p>
<p>Justin shrugs. “It hurts. And I fall asleep all the time.”</p>
<p>“In the middle of my sentences,” Clay sighs, falling back into the chair beside Justin’s.</p>
<p>Justin smirks, tilting his head to look back to where Evie sat on the edge of his mattress. “Did Lainie tell you I got up and walked?”</p>
<p>“She did,” she nods. “Maybe tomorrow you can show me?”</p>
<p>Justin nods eagerly, smiling.</p>
<p>Turning, Evie focuses her attention on her eldest nephew. “What about you, kiddo? How are you doing?”</p>
<p>“It’s not me that was hurt,” Clay replies, twisting uncomfortably.</p>
<p>Furrowing her eyebrow, Evie cocks her head. “No, you weren’t,” she agrees, resting her hand on Justin’s leg. “But your brother was injured, and I think if it was your mom that was hurt, I’d be pretty worried.”</p>
<p>Justin’s gaze shifts to his brother. “How come you don’t talk about how you’re feeling?” he asks, adjusting slightly, humming when his chest tube adjusts. “You shouldn’t hide it.”</p>
<p>“The focus needs to be on you.”</p>
<p>“No, it doesn’t,” Justin replies tersely, shifting his attention to his brother. “I’m doing fine, but I don’t get to hide that. The doctors and nurses tell everything, and that’s fine, but you should talk about how you’re doing. Are you seeing Dr. Ellman?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Clay grumbles, sinking into the chair. “I’ve seen Dr. Ellman twice, and I’m going to see him once a week.” Stopping, Clay looks back to his brother. “You don’t need to worry about my therapy, okay?”</p>
<p>Justin kicks out his legs. “But I do worry,” Justin replies quickly, voice strained.</p>
<p>“Guys,” Matt intervenes, stepping forward. “Both of you need to take a breath. You both have the right to worry about each other, there’s no need to get upset over this.”</p>
<p>Clay ignores Matt’s calming voice, staring at his lap. “Just because I’m the one who stopped the attack and pushed him off of you doesn’t mean we need to dwell on it here. I do it enough in my own head and in therapy to have to talk about my feelings when I’m with you, too.”</p>
<p>Justin coughs, flinching and then relaxing at Lainie’s touch on his shoulder. “Breathe,” she whispers, coaching him through some deep breaths before looking between her sister and husband. “We are not going to discuss this further tonight if both of you can’t relax and talk about this maturely. Calm down, and then we can continue.”</p>
<p>For a moment the only sounds in the room come from Justin’s monitors. Evie moves to stand, only stopping when Justin reaches out to stop her and Lainie gives her a reassuring glance, appreciating her presence now more than before. Matt rests his hand on his sister-in-law’s shoulder, squeezing gently.</p>
<p>When both boys have sufficiently calmed down, Lainie looks between them. “Do you think we can have a mature conversation about this?” she asks, looking between both of her sons. “Are you both in the right headspace to discuss what Clay said?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” both boys mumble, and carefully Clay lifts his head. “When you were attacked, he pinned you to the ground and stabbed you. I pushed him off so the knife would dislodge from his hand and he would be off of you. I didn’t… it wasn’t anything special that I did.”</p>
<p>Justin swallows roughly, wincing. “You’re the reason I wasn’t stabbed more,” he replies quietly, tilting his head back and closing his eyes. “It was Seth that did it, right?”</p>
<p>When Clay flinches, Matt steps in. “It was, buddy,” he replies, tapping his fingers anxiously against the foot of the bed. “But Clay doesn’t like hearing his name, so we try not to say it.”</p>
<p>“Why don’t you want to say his name?”</p>
<p>When Clay looks up, Justin is looking at him again. He shakes his head, folding in on himself. “I don’t want to talk about it.”</p>
<p>Lainie braces herself to have to break up another argument, and while it feels strangely normal to hear the brothers bickering, she’s grateful when Justin relents, agreeing quietly.</p>
<p>“It’s been almost a week since you’ve been in here. If there could be one thing that I could bring either of you tomorrow when I come back to visit, what would it be?” Evie asks after a moment, shifting the conversation and smiling between both of her nephews.</p>
<p>Lainie adjusts the shoulder of Justin’s hospital gown, allowing her shoulders to relax as she walks back to her husband and presses against his side, grateful to see the smiles and animated conversation between her boys and sister playing out in front of them.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hope you've all had a good start to the new year!</p>
<p>things are getting a little better for Justin at least, and you get to meet Evie for the next few chapters :)</p>
<p>see you next Friday! &lt;3</p>
<p>title of the chapter is from Chainsaw by Nick Jonas :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. you'd tell me I'd be just fine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Clay returns to school, Justin makes progress, and Justin and Clay talk things through.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Monday.</strong>
</p><p>Clay notices the stares through the halls as he walks back into Liberty on Monday morning.</p><p>There’s kids he doesn’t know staring at him, whispering amongst their friend group. He wants to lash out, to scream that it was him and Justin that were attacked so they can all stop staring now, but he stops himself. Spotting Ani and Zach, he focuses his gaze on them, willing his legs to push forward.</p><p>Ani squeezes his arm, steadying him. “You okay this morning?”</p><p>Shifting on his feet, Clay shrugs. “It’s like I can hear what everyone is saying about me and Justin,” he mumbles, catching a stare from two juniors in the hallway, who quickly look away. “I wish I could just say that yes, it was us, and yes, I’m here without Justin. Maybe then everyone would stop staring at me everywhere I go.”</p><p>“Man, fuck them,” Zach says, shaking his head. “What happened with you and Justin is no one else’s business. You don’t owe them anything just because you’re back in school. Just ignore them.”</p><p>“How is Justin?” Ani asks, falling in between both boys as they walk towards homeroom. She glances at Clay, resting her hand on her bag. “I know we all saw him yesterday, but obviously we didn’t stay long.”</p><p>Clay draws out a sigh, pausing at his locker. He fiddles with the lock with ease, opening to find Justin’s sweatshirt stuffed in the back, a reminder of the last day Justin attended school when he stood by his brother’s locker and declared that walking down the hall to his own locker was out of his way. “We got into an argument last night because he asked why I don’t talk about how I’m doing, and then I accidentally said that I was the one that stopped the attack. He didn’t remember that, and I didn’t want him to know until he was a little better.</p><p>Ani watches Clay expertly move around Justin’s sweatshirt without touching it, sighing. “How did he take it?”</p><p>“Fine, I guess,” he replies, slamming his locker shut. “I don’t like to say the name of the man who attacked him, and when he asked why, I told him I didn’t want to talk about it. So I’m sure I have that conversation waiting for me when I get to the hospital this afternoon.”</p><p>Zach nudges Clay’s shoulder. “You don’t have to tell Justin anything you don’t want, you know. Alex used to beg me for answers to questions that he couldn’t fill in himself after his accident, but I wasn’t ready for those heavy conversations,” he explains. “Don’t make him tell you something you don’t want to talk about just because he’s sick and you feel like you need to make him happy or cheer him up or whatever.”</p><p>“Yeah, but how do you just say no to Justin?” he asks, following them into the library and sinking down into a chair between Ani and Charlie. “Since he’s been awake all he’s been able to do is lay in bed and fight through physical therapy and confuse himself more than he’s ever been before. He can’t even stand and walk without a million people helping him. If I refuse to talk about something to him now, it’s just going to be one more thing we feel like he can’t know or isn’t ready to know, when really it’s me.”</p><p>“You don’t tell him until you’re ready,” Alex says. Leaning forward, he folds his hands on the table. “Look, I get that you don’t want to be one more thing he feels like you’re all hiding from him, but the amount of things I would ask for an explanation only for my parents to put it off was a lot. And I forgot the topic almost every single time.” He breathes, sighing. “I know Justin’s brain injury is nowhere near what mine was, but you said he’s confused and forgets things, right? So there’s a good chance he’ll forget that you guys were talking about it last night anyway.”</p><p>Clay feels the prickly feeling in his chest, the discomfort stemming from the feeling of lying to his brother. He manages to nod, swallowing the feeling in his stomach as he sinks down into his chair, grateful for the change of subject from his friends before homeroom.</p><p>
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  </span>
</p><p>There are pros and cons to Evie visiting, Lainie finds.</p><p>Pros: she gets a brief reprieve from sitting by Justin’s bedside, allowing her to work through legal files surrounding Justin’s case and squaring away work she abandoned exactly a week before. She answers a few emails from the prospective client, setting her out of office message once more, and then turns to work through insurance claims.</p><p>Cons: Evie hasn’t been with Justin constantly for the last week, and, despite their close relationship, hasn’t spent much time with Justin at all since coming into the family. She doesn’t know his ticks, what it looks like when he’s hiding the pain or masking how he’s really feeling. Despite her career, she frets over a spike in his fever or his complaints about a particularly horrible headache, hovers during his physical therapy, and waits until Justin is asleep to ask if they should think about forcing him to get out of bed more than they currently do.</p><p>“Evie,” Lainie sighs, exasperated as her sister joins her at the table once satisfied Justin is asleep. “I know you want to see him doing more, and you’re worried that he’s not showing initiative to want to get up and walk around this room. Trust me, I’ve done enough worrying for the two of us. But less than a week ago he was in a coma on a ventilator, and today he’s anxiously waiting for the chest tube to come out.”</p><p>Evie hums, twirling a sugar packet between her fingers. “I know you say he’s been up a few times, and he at least stands a few times a day if he’s not up to walking, but Justin has always been so complacent, he’s never shown initiative or asked to do something since he’s been in your care, which is common for foster kids and kids who are recently adopted, especially the older they are. Do you think that pattern of him doing what everyone else says is going to change now?”</p><p>Exasperated, Lainie looks back to her sister as she sets her pen down. “No, we’re not naive to believe that a traumatic accident will suddenly make Justin ask or tell us what he needs or wants,” she replies, her voice clipped. “But Matt and I both agreed that we will not push Justin to stand or walk or go through more physical therapy than he already does until the chest tube is removed.”</p><p>A brief moment of silence passes, Justin shifts and blows out a breath in his sleep, and Evie glances back between the two of them. “I agree that waiting until the chest tube is out is the best course of action, but after that, the best thing he could do for himself and his health is get up and move. It’ll get him out of the hospital faster, and probably make him feel much better that he’s able to be mobile and learn to walk using whatever he needs while he’s recovering.”</p><p>Shaking her leg, Lainie grants herself a moment of breathing before answering her sister. “Evie, you know how much I appreciate you being here. Lord knows my boys are so happy to have their aunt here. And while Matt and I are appreciative that you have experience and knowledge in the medical field in ways we don’t, I don’t need you to tell me what’s best for Justin, or what he needs to be doing to get out of this hospital.”</p><p>“No one wants to bring him home more than us. Sitting vigil in a cramped hospital room watching my son struggle is not high on my list of things I ever want to do,” Lainie continues, voice hushed as Justin stirs in his sleep. “And I can guarantee you that Justin wants to be home just as much as we want and need him there. We’re willing to do whatever we need to do to get him out of here, but not at the expense of his pain or mental health. If we push too hard, if we ask him to do things that he physically cannot do right now, he’s going to retreat. He’s going to shut down and have setbacks, and it will be so much harder on him. He has had such a rough life, and Matt and I are not here to make things worse. We want to stop his suffering, not continue with a whole new cycle.”</p><p>She stands, walking across the room and standing beside Justin’s bed. Fixing the shoulder of his hospital gown, she takes the time to brush his hair back from his head, staring at the bruise that has started to yellow closer to the center just under his eye. With shaking fingers and a careful touch she tucks his NG tube behind his ear, brushing her finger just underneath it.</p><p>“Lain,” Evie says just above a whisper. Lainie turns back, brushing her fingers against Justin’s arm. “You’re an amazing mom. The way you care for Clay and Justin, the way you just seem to know what Justin needs. He’s been - what he’s been through, what he’s survived, I don’t know that I could’ve handled it with as much grace as you and Matt have.”</p><p>Standing, she walks over towards the bed. “What the two of you have done, how you’ve cared for both of them with such ease and attentiveness as if it was simple, is admirable. You love him so much, and he loves you guys. I never meant to imply that you had to push him or force him to do things he wasn’t ready for. You’re his mother, obviously you’re making every decision you think is necessary for his care, and you’re doing an amazing job.”</p><p>Blinking, tears forming at the corners of her eyes, Lainie nods. “Thank you,” she whispers, stepping back and falling into her sister’s arms. “All I want is to make the decisions that are going to benefit him. I don’t… sometimes it’s so hard to know if I’m doing the right thing.”</p><p>“I don’t think any of us really know if we’re doing the right thing,” Evie laughs against her sister’s shoulder, voice wet with emotion. “But you’re doing the best that you can. And we all see it, even Justin. He loves you and trusts you so much, Lainie. You don’t need to ever second guess that.”</p><p>Standing by her son’s hospital bed, Lainie allows herself to weep in her sister’s arms. When Justin stirs and blinks, wincing at the sunlight streaming from the crack in the curtains she doesn’t try to hide her tears, instead tending to what he needs with a bright smile and bloodshot eyes, holding his hand and talking to him until Annie comes in for another vitals check.</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>Walking back down the halls towards his office is reminiscent of his first day at Sanderson almost sixteen years ago.</p><p>He took the department chair job when it popped up through a mutual friend, who wrote a recommendation letter speaking to his organization, dedication to the English language, and the preparedness he had to teach a variety of classes ranging from English composition to a Shakespeare focused class.</p><p>It was an easy decision for him. A shorter commute, more opportunities to work from home or leave if he needs to, better salary and benefits for his family all ranked at the top of the list. After a lengthy discussion with Lainie, who supported his decision to take the offer, he decided to accept and began at the beginning of Fall semester just after Clay turned one.</p><p>There are a few students floating around near the offices, giving polite smiles as he walks by and back into his office that seem to be frozen in time.</p><p>The stack of ungraded essays he left, the current essay flipped to the third page. His red pen uncapped, rolled onto its side. His coffee mug, a thick ring of remnants crusted around the lip.</p><p>A week ago, he stood up from this desk and walked away without cleaning anything. His brain worked for him, grabbing his keys and wallet and walking back to his car without a word. And now, in a span where so much and so little has changed, Matt finds himself grappling with the fact that there are aspects of his life still frozen in time.</p><p>He sits down, capping his pen and moving his mug to the side to wash later. There are a few cards resting on his desk from co-workers and a few students, indicating that news had traveled about Justin’s accident more than he wished it would have.</p><p>Evie visiting for a short time allows Matt to have a brief reprieve from the hospital. His evenings away are often filled with organizing assignments on the online portal and spending as much time with Clay as his eldest son will allow, talking about a variety of topics ranging from returning to school to Justin’s accomplishments and setbacks of the day. They had pivoted away from worst case scenarios, but they lived in the back of Matt’s mind like a recurring nightmare, ready to return at any moment.</p><p>“I heard you were coming in today,” Linda, his co-worker, smiles. She steps in, sitting down in a chair on the opposite side of the desk. “Is there anything I can help you with? So you can get in and out as fast as possible?”</p><p>With a polite smile, Matt shakes his head. “I’m just going to map out some parameters for the next month or so for my students. I have a quick meeting with Jake, my teaching assistant, to handle in-person classes once a week so the students have some live, face-to-face interaction. Otherwise I’ll monitor online progress until my son is home and settled in.”</p><p>Linda nods, crossing her legs. “If you need any help in general, please reach out. We’re all willing to help out whenever you need. Your family obviously needs to come first.”</p><p>Nodding, Matt returns the smile, folding a few essays and placing them in a folder to bring back to the hospital. “I’m going to do as much as I can from home, but I appreciate everyone’s efforts to help me in my absence.”</p><p>Standing, Linda smiles. “We all sincerely hope your son is feeling better soon. I can’t imagine what the last week must have been like. I don’t want to think about my own son surviving the ordeal.”</p><p>“It’s been a tough week,” Matt says, hesitating. “But Justin is doing well right now, and that’s all we could hope for in this moment. We’re at the beginning of a long journey, but we’re all optimistic that he’ll make a full recovery, and Clay will also be able to work through the aftermath alongside him.”</p><p>Linda, a woman who has only seen Justin in photos displayed on Matt’s desk, lets out the tension in her shoulders as if she knew him personally. “That’s great news, Matt. I’m glad to hear it,” she replies, excusing herself from his office so he can get his work done.</p><p>Waiting for his meeting to begin, Matt stares at the photos on his desk. A handful of Clay from when he was a young child still displayed in the frames, but a new frame rests in the center, both of the boys school photos on either side, a photo of the two of them on Justin’s adoption day resting in the center.</p><p>Matt studies it for a moment, blinking back tears as he remembers a time just a few months ago that was so happy, and wondering how they could’ve gotten to this point in what feels like the blink of an eye.</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>For Matt, returning to the hospital felt familiar, like a blanket waiting for him at the end of a long day. Matt signed in at the ICU desk, just as he does every other morning, and is encouraged when he walks into Justin’s room to find him sitting up talking to Evie and scooping ice chips into his own mouth, a bright smile on his face.</p><p>“I thought you’d be asleep, buddy,” Matt smiles, pressing a kiss to his forehead as he says a quick hello to Lainie and Evie. “You’ve been okay this morning?”</p><p>Justin nods, pressing back against the pillows. “Lainie told me where you were, but I forget,” he admits, a frown dotting the edges of his mouth, eyebrows furrowed. “My head hurts today.”</p><p>Matt nods, smile unwavering. “How you’re feeling is normal. It’s okay to forget things and ask again for clarification,” he reminds him. “I went up to work today for a little while. Just to talk with my teaching assistant and set up my classes online for a little while so I can be home with you.”</p><p>Justin’s heart rate rises, pushing the ice chips clumsily as he shakes his head. “I don’t… I don’t want you to stop working because of me,” he stutters, looking back at Matt with wide eyes. “I want to go home, and go back to school, and I want you and Lainie to go to work.”</p><p>Evie steps back, allowing Lainie to take her place on the edge of Justin’s bed. “All of that will happen with time, Justin,” she says softly, reaching forward to take his hand. “But right now, we need to focus on getting you better, and helping you while you’re recovering. You don’t need to feel bad or ashamed to have us home with you.”</p><p>“Don’t want to take more time,” Justin mumbles, wincing as he focuses on his breathing. “Clay needs you, too.”</p><p>“And he has us,” Matt promises. “We are helping him just as much as we are helping you, we promise,” he says. Leaning forward, he brushes his thumb across Justin’s leg. “And your Mom and I are going to work. We just might work different hours and spend more time at home so we can be with you.”</p><p>Justin swallows, pulling his hand away and flexing his shaking hand. “Do you promise?”</p><p>Lainie softens, allowing herself a moment to gather her thoughts before she nods. “We promise,” she says softly, squeezing his hand. “Your dad and I will be home with you most days. There will be days that one of us may go into the office to work on some things, but you will never be home without one of us being there.”</p><p>“What about just with Clay?”</p><p>Lainie sighs. “Not in the beginning,” she says quietly, bracing herself for pushback. “We understand you trust Clay and we obviously trust him with your care, but in the beginning we want to make sure you have what you need directly from us.”</p><p>Justin nods, staring at his legs.</p><p>Matt looks to his wife, focusing back on Justin. “Let’s just get you home first, okay? And once we’re settled and we have a good routine going, we can reevaluate how often we go to work and you being left with Clay.”</p><p>The compromise leaves Justin happy, smiling as he reaches for the ice chips again. “Did Lainie tell you I got up and walked?” he asks, laughing when Matt shakes his head. “I’ll do it again later. After I sleep.”</p><p>“Whenever you’re ready, kiddo,” Matt says, leaning back in the chair. “I would love to see it.”</p><p>
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</p><p>Walking through the hospital and up to the intensive care unit, Clay feels the pounding in his chest.</p><p>He spent 7 hours away from Justin, the longest he’d been away besides sleeping at home, and felt like he was missing a limb. He texted his parents multiple times, asking for updates and photos proving that Justin was okay until they put an end to it after lunch and his twentieth text message of the morning.</p><p>He then proceeded to text his Aunt Evie, who texted back almost immediately with a frown emoji. <em>Sorry, kiddo, your mom has sworn me to be on her side.</em> <em>Followed quickly by I’ll text you updates on the hour provided you don’t ask in between. Don’t worry about your brother, he’s doing really well.</em></p><p>His last update from his aunt came just under an hour ago, a picture of Justin sleeping. <em>Resting comfortably, asking when you’ll be here. He’ll be excited to see you. Be careful!</em></p><p>He doesn’t know what he’s expecting when he gets back upstairs. Justin sleeping, pain etched in the furrow of his brow as he twists the sheets between his fingers. A side effect of removing heavier dosages of pain medications, Clay’s been told a million times, but it doesn’t make it easier to watch or sit through, knowing that he’s helpless to help his brother who is so clearly suffering, and partially because of him.</p><p>Instead what he finds is Justin sitting up in the chair working on his breathing with their dad, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips as he successfully pushes the pump of the incentive spirometer to the second line, better than he’s ever done. He catches Clay hovering in the doorway, shifting slowly and looking over.</p><p>“You’re back,” he says quietly, pressing his back against the chair, reaching out for Matt’s hand to steady himself. “You went to school, right?”</p><p>Clay drops his bag by the table, walking back to the chair. “Yeah, I did,” he says, sitting down on the arm of the chair Matt was sitting in. “When the fuck did this all happen?”</p><p>“Clay,” Lainie chastises, but she’s smiling and walks closer to her family, Evie hanging back at the table working on some things back for her own family. “Your brother has had an eventful day, but he wanted to surprise you with some news.”</p><p>Justin blinks, suppressing a yawn as he winces. “I’m… I had my scan today, and Dr. Holden said that I’m ready to have the chest tube out tomorrow,” he says, unable to hide his smile. “And then she said maybe I can be out of the ICU on Wednesday.”</p><p>Clay raises his eyebrows, looking back to his parents. Justin’s memory had been spotty at best, but his mom’s smile and slight nod of her head allows him to soak in the news.</p><p>“Justin, that’s huge,” he replies, smiling. “Moving to a normal floor means we’re closer to having you home.”</p><p>Justin nods, eyes gazing at the chest tube. “They wanted me to practice breathing deep. I got my oxygen turned down, too.”</p><p>“So everything happens when I leave?” Clay smirks, reaching forward to pat Justin’s leg. “How long have you been sitting here?”</p><p> </p><p>“Almost 45 minutes,” Lainie answers, rubbing Justin’s shoulder with a smile. “You okay to go a little longer?”</p><p>Nodding, Justin reaches for the ice chips set beside him, spooning some carefully into his mouth. “Wanted to show you that I could get better when you go to school,” he mumbles. “How was it?”</p><p>“Fine,” Clay shrugs. Matt moves, allowing him to sit down. “It felt weird being there, especially without you, but it was fine.”</p><p>“Can more people come visit me?”</p><p>“They all want to,” Clay nods. “Tomorrow I’ll bring them, okay? Is there anyone specific you want to see?”</p><p>Justin shrugs, focusing on his breathing for a moment. “Whoever wants to come. If anyone does.”</p><p>“They all want to come,” Clay promises, smiling. Looking between his parents and Aunt Evie, he takes a breath. “Can Justin and I have a few minutes alone? I promise we’ll be fine, and I’ll get you guys if anything happens.”</p><p>Lainie hesitates, sharing a glance with her husband. “Why don’t we move Justin back to bed first, okay?” Matt concedes, holding his hand up when Justin goes to protest. “I know you’re doing really well in the chair, Justin, but if we’re going to give you and Clay time alone, your mom and I don’t want you to be in the chair and then be in pain and only have Clay here to help. We would feel better knowing that you were at least in bed and able to relax or adjust the bed to lay as you need it. Do you get that?”</p><p>Relenting, Justin nods. He allows Matt to call for the nurses, walking slowly back to the bed with his hands in Clay’s, still a faster pace than Clay remembers from the previous day. Justin winces as he’s situated, obliging Annie’s quiet request for a new round of vitals and his pain levels and the quiet reassurance that she topped off his pain meds and he’ll have some relief soon, reminding himself that this is their new normal.</p><p>The vital checks and pain measures and medications are all just something they’re going to have to get used to.</p><p>Matt, Lainie and Evie wait until Annie gives the okay, Matt and Lainie pressing a kiss to both boys' foreheads. “We’ll be just downstairs getting some food if you need us,” Lainie said, eyes lingering on Justin’s expression for a moment, gauging how he’s feeling without him saying it. “Please, boys, just rest.”</p><p>Clay waits until they leave the room, gives it another moment until he’s positive they aren’t coming back, and then looks back to his brother.</p><p>“Why did you want to be alone with me?” Justin asks after a moment, closing his eyes. “If you want to fight like we did yesterday, I don’t have the energy. Walking makes me feel like I ran three miles. My head feels like it has its own heartbeat.”</p><p>Frowning, Clay leans forward. “Would you rather just sleep?”</p><p>Justin’s lips quirk into a half smile as he shakes his head. “Not fair to you. I want to know what you wanted to talk about.”</p><p>“I wanted to talk about yesterday,” he breathes, pulling at a string hanging off his jeans. “I want to talk about why I don’t want to say his name.”</p><p>Justin parts his eyes, eyebrows furrowing. “Who’s name?”</p><p>Clay bites back the urge to lash out. Justin, who would normally ask these questions to get under Justin’s skin, is actually confused. He has a head injury, Clay reminds himself, blowing out a breath to calm his frustration. “Seth’s,” he mumbles.</p><p>Justin opens his eyes, squeezing them shut again. “Shit, sorry. I remember now.”</p><p>“I feel like saying his name gives him the attention he wanted. Or maybe that he thinks he deserves,” Clay says, standing up and sitting on the edge of Justin’s bed. “It’s obvious he did this in broad daylight for a reason. He wanted the attention, he wanted people to know that he was horrible enough to do something like this. He wouldn’t have… he could’ve done this whenever.”</p><p>“Clay,” Justin breathes, nudging his knee against his brother’s hip. Using his hands, he pushes himself to sit up a little better, declining Clay’s immediate offers to help. “You’re going to make yourself crazy trying to figure out why Seth would do what he did when he did it.”</p><p>“He had to do it for a reason, right?”</p><p>“Who knows?” Justin says, shaking his head with half a smile on his face. “Look, my memory absolutely sucks right now, I know that. But I lived with Seth for years. I may not remember specific details, but I know that he never did anything that made sense.”</p><p>“Seth beat me, Clay. Those bruises I had when we weren’t friends? Most of the time they came from Seth, not from football or basketball or whatever other excuse I gave. And yes, I was a shitty person back then. I was stealing drugs from him, saying and doing things purposely to agitate him.”</p><p>Clay sighs, shoulders sagging. “But you’ve been with us for over a year,” he counters. “You haven’t - you’ve been clean most of that time, so why would he attack you now? You didn’t owe him anything, did you?”</p><p>Frustrated, Justin shrugs. “Fuck, Clay, I don’t remember. I don’t think I did?” he says, shaking his head. “But Seth could’ve done this because he was pissed I walked home the wrong way. He’s unpredictable, Clay, but if he knew that you weren’t saying his name because you didn’t want him to get the recognition, he would be just as satisfied because he knew he got to you.”</p><p>Clay runs his fingers through his hair, shifting carefully. “So what the fuck do I do then?”</p><p>“You say his name,” Justin smirks. “If anyone asks, you say Seth fucking Massey attacked my brother, he fucking sucks, and he’s going to get what he deserves,” he says, chewing on the corner of his lip. “He’s still in jail, right?”</p><p>“Definitely still in jail,” Clay confirms. “You really want me to say that?”</p><p>Smiling, Justin adjusts his hospital gown, staring at his chest tube. “Yes,” he confirms. “Say it right now.”</p><p>The words lay on the tip of his tongue, hesitating before forcing himself to speak. “Seth fucking Massey attacked my brother, he is the fucking worst, and he’s going to get what he deserves,” he repeats, beaming when he makes it through it.</p><p>Justin smiles, reaching out for a lazy high five. “You took the power away. You’re in control here, Clay, not him. Don’t not say his name because you think you don’t want him to get the attention. Make sure people know it was him, make sure his reputation is ruined for stabbing a kid and leaving him in the hospital like this.”</p><p>Clay nods, hand on his brothers. He watches Justin, listens to his monitors beep methodically and his breathing slowly even, and jumps when Justin’s voice fills the room.</p><p>“You stopped the attack?” he asks quietly. “That’s what you said yesterday, right?”</p><p>Clay sucks in a breath. “I - yes. It was me who stopped him.”</p><p>“How did you do it?” Tilting his head, Justin shifts to look at him. “How did you like, make him stop stabbing me, or whatever he was doing.”</p><p>Swallowing, Clay shrugs. “I just… I pushed him off of you?” he says, shaking his head. “I don’t know… when I realized what he was doing, I just sort of ran and like, I pushed him. I guess his balance was off from the way he was on top of you, and so I just took advantage of it.”</p><p>“You saved me.”</p><p>“I should’ve done it sooner,” Clay breathes. “I should’ve… you shouldn’t have been stabbed three times. The second I saw the knife I should’ve gotten him off you. There was so much more I could’ve done.”</p><p>Justin reaches his hand out, resting it on Clay’s arm. “I’m alive, aren’t I?”</p><p>“Well, yeah, but -”</p><p>“Then stop thinking you could’ve done something to stop this sooner,” he smirks. “I don’t remember that day, but I’m pretty confident that you did what you could as fast as you could.”</p><p>“I don’t know,” Clay says weakly, shaking his head. “I just… I think there’s more I could’ve done.”</p><p>Justin shakes his head. “I’m willing to bet there wasn’t,” he says, wincing as he twists slowly. “Clay, if you’re trying to justify in your brain ways you could’ve made this better for me, stop. You saved me, and I don’t blame you for anything that happened to me, and I don’t want you to blame yourself, either, okay? This is totally on Seth, and he is the only person I will ever blame for this.”</p><p>For a moment, Justin almost thinks Clay is going to fight. The corners of his mouth twitch, an uncomfortable shrug lines his shoulders, and then he nods. “Yeah, okay,” he nods, pulling his hand back and wiping his palms on his jeans.</p><p>Justin nods, turning back to lay on his back and close his eyes.</p><p>“When they’re back, can you ask them when I get to come home?”</p><p>Smiling, Clay squeezes his hand. “Let’s just get you out of the ICU first. Home is waiting for you, when you’re ready.”</p><p>Justin nods, and this time, when his breathing evens out and his grip loosens in Clay’s hand, Clay feels himself relax.</p><p>Things feel okay.</p><p>
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</p><p>
  <strong>Tuesday.</strong>
</p><p>There are quiet moments in the ICU, Lainie finds.</p><p>Like when Evie takes a work call in the waiting room at the end of the hall, pressing a quick kiss to her sister’s head and then her nephew’s on her way out. When Matt retreats to his car to listen to a conference call with his department, not wanting to disturb Justin or Lainie in the room. When Clay goes to school, her phone pinging with updates and requests for updates on Justin incessantly, even though they ease her mind and allow her to believe that Clay being back in school is the right thing for him at the moment. When Justin, after over an hour of physical therapy and check-ins and discussions, falls asleep peacefully in bed, a minor success as they continue to wean him off heavy pain medication dosages with the assistance of addiction specialists.</p><p>She takes advantage of these quiet moments, working on client work or filling out insurance claims or even reading a book she had been neglecting on her bedside table for months. She stares at Justin’s monitors, sets up informal meetings with counselors, and writes in her calendar to discuss with Matt about him staying with Justin while she goes to listen to Seth be questioned once more, this time with a hope that he’ll confess as to why he did what he did.</p><p>When Justin stirs, eyes screwed in discomfort and his legs pushing out stiffly, Lainie stands with concern. “Deep breath, sweetheart,” she says softly, smiling when Justin opens his eyes and breathes, giving her half a smile.</p><p>“Am I still getting this out today?” he asks, fingers tapping the chest tube as he yawns.</p><p>Lainie sits down on the edge of the bed, nodding. “In a few more hours. Clay should get here just in time,” she says softly. “And then we’ll meet with Dr. Holden about moving down to a normal floor tomorrow for a few days. Hopefully we can get you home by the weekend.”</p><p>For a brief moment, Justin’s eyes light up. He shifts, smiling. “You really think I’ll be able to go home soon?”</p><p>“I do,” she says, smoothing her hands over his blanket. “All of your doctors and therapists are really pleased with your progress, and many patients recover better when they’re home and in their own bed. You’ll still have a lot of progress to make at home, and I’m sure we’ll have plenty of doctors and therapy appointments and you’ll need help getting around, but we’ll have you home and it’ll be easier for you to see your friends and move around.”</p><p>“I’m sorry that we’ve had to be here so long. And that you’ve had to sleep in that chair instead of at home,” Justin breathes, staring at her. “You don’t - I’ll be okay here. At night. If you want to go home and sleep in your bed.”</p><p>Lainie frowns, brushing her fingers along his cheek. “Justin, sweetheart, we are not going to leave you alone in this hospital,” she reminds him gently. “Sleeping here is not a chore or an imposition. I want to be here so I can help when you need me. I don’t want you to ever feel like being here is a bother to me, or to your dad, or to Clay. All we want is for you to keep getting better, and if that meant sleeping in that chair for 100 days, I would do it. You know that, right?”</p><p>Justin presses his cheek against her palm, sighing. “I do. But this bed is uncomfortable and I’ve sat in that chair. It can’t be fun to sleep in.”</p><p>With a smile, Lainie retracts her hand. “While it’s not the best thing I’ve ever slept on, it does the job. But we’ll both feel better when we’re back in our own beds soon enough.”</p><p>She’s met with a nod and a brief silence, Justin staring down to his lap. “Have you… do you know if my mom is okay?”</p><p>Lainie doesn’t know if she’s more upset or angry that her son is asking the question and simultaneously seems to feel nervous about it, or if her heart breaks to know that the one question he’s asked since the attack is one about his mother, who was also a victim to Seth in many ways.</p><p>She takes a deep breath, plastering her best smile on her face. “Your mother is safe,” she replies, hand resting on his knee. “I don’t know specifics, but I know that she is safe and unharmed, and Seth did not go after her.”</p><p>Nodding, for a brief moment Lainie thinks this will be the end of the conversation. But Justin musters the courage to look at her, blinking blearily. “I know you’re my mom now, but do you think you can reach out and see if she’s really okay? Seth like… he took care of her in a lot of ways. And if she’s homeless or in trouble or he did something to her, we’d be able to help her, right?”</p><p>“Justin,” Lainie says softly, sighing. “Amber will always be your birth mother. I understand you have a deep connection with her, one that’s on a far different level than most kids your age. But you understand it’s not your job to protect or take care of her, yes?”</p><p>Justin nods.</p><p>“I understand your worry. Matt and I will try to find out where she is, and if she’d like to go to a treatment center or an addiction specialist or even a shelter where she can be guaranteed safety, you know we’re more than happy to help find her one that would accept her. But we are not going to blindly give her money or bring her into your life when we know she isn’t absolutely stable.”</p><p>“No, I know,” Justin replies coolly, sucking his tongue between his teeth. “I would just feel better knowing that Seth didn’t hurt her, too.” He waits a moment, pressing his head into the pillow and pushing his NG tube behind his ear. “Do you think she knew? What Seth was going to do?”</p><p>The question hangs in the balance for a moment. Over the last week, and especially since Seth’s arraignment, Lainie had been grappling with the attack. She would think about it more often than not, her mind racing as to why this would happen or how this could happen. She wondered how far in advance he planned it, who knew about it, and what would make him want to do it now, over a year after Justin’s removal from their home.</p><p>It had never crossed her mind to think that Amber would be behind it.</p><p>“I think that’s something that we can’t worry about,” she decides after a moment. “You’ve told me that Amber has had lapses in judgment when using, or when with Seth. Do you want to talk about how you’d feel if she did know he was going to do this?”</p><p>Shrugging noncommittally, Justin sighs. “I wouldn’t be surprised,” he admits quietly. “If Seth told her the way to get a hit was to agree to let him attack me, she would’ve done it. Seth abused me, her other boyfriends abused me, and she watched. She wouldn’t say no to this if it meant that Seth gave her a place to live and drugs that she couldn’t score anywhere else.”</p><p>He flexes his hand, fingers tracing his IV. “My head hurts. I want to sleep more before Clay gets here,” he says abruptly, closing his eyes. “Where are Matt and Aunt Evie?”</p><p>“Matt is in his car on a conference call with work. He didn’t want to wake you up if he had to talk. He’ll be back up soon,” she smiles. “And Aunt Evie has declared the waiting room down the hall her office. She’s taking a work call in there, true to Aunt Evie fashion.”</p><p>Justin laughs. “Maybe if she’s still in there when I wake up we can walk down?”</p><p>“Sure,” Lainie smiles, kissing his forehead. “But for now, sleep,” she smiles, kissing his forehead.</p><p>She stands and walks back to the table, watching as Justin slowly drifts off once more.</p><p>
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</p><p>Lainie and Matt spend ten minutes researching the removal of chest tubes before Lainie promptly closes out of all the tabs, shaking her head.</p><p>“He’s going to have to go through that,” she whispers, as if Matt doesn't know or comprehend what they just discussed. “We’re about to watch them do the exact same thing to our son.”</p><p>Matt nods, grabbing her hand and squeezing. A silent gesture, one that steadies her and eases her nerves in a way nothing else seemed to.</p><p>Justin was a bundle of nerves, tapping his foot anxiously on the mattress as Annie and a few other nurses prepare for the chest tube removal. Clay, who had returned from school just in time, stands beside him, hand hovering on the handrail close to Justin’s shoulder, afraid to touch him.</p><p>“Do you want me to stay in the room?”</p><p>“If you don’t freak the fuck out, then yeah, I do,” Justin nods. Short, agitated, nervous.</p><p>Lainie knows her words would fall on deaf ears in the moment. Justin’s eyes dart wildly between the tray now set by his bed to Lainie and Matt, taking a breath. Clay, who senses Justin’s stress and need for someone who’s decidedly not his brother, takes a step back and moves to the end of the bed, making room for their parents.</p><p>“Okay, Justin, this will just take a minute,” Annie smiles, a nurse coming to stand beside her to help. “It’ll be a little uncomfortable and I’m going to need you to take the best deep breaths that you can, but it’ll be over before you know it.”</p><p>Justin nods, positioning his arm up over his head the best that he can, using his other hand to take Matt’s much stronger hand. Lainie pushes her fingers through his hair, smiling. “This is a big step,” she reminds him, massaging her fingers against his scalp as Annie walks back, smiling.</p><p>She walks him through each step, and when Lainie senses it’s becoming a little overwhelming she tilts Justin’s gaze towards her, hand pressed lightly against his cheek. “Focus on me and take some deep breaths,” she reminds him softly, a reassuring smile plastered on her face despite the hammering in her chest.</p><p>Annie’s voice is fuzzy and distant in Justin’s mind, but he manages to focus long enough to do as she says, wincing when she pulls the chest tube out, tending to the incision before bandaging it up. “All done, sweetheart,” she smiles, cleaning up her area. “We’re going to go for a chest x-ray real quick so Dr. Holden can take a look at the lung and we can make sure there was nothing dislodged during removal.”</p><p>Justin nods, turning back to Annie. “Can Lainie come?” he asks, relaxing when Annie nods.</p><p>Clay watches beside his father when they leave the room, turning back to Matt helplessly. “Why is he so anxious?” he asks, as if his dad miraculously knows all the answers.</p><p>Matt sighs, turning back to sit down at the table. “They’re beginning to wean him off a few sedatives that have been lingering. They’ve also weaned him onto new pain medication, one that’s not as strong. All standard, all planned, and they’re working closely with the addiction specialists to ensure we don’t have any adverse effects on Justin.”</p><p>Clay follows him, sinking into the chair once occupied by Lainie. “So it makes him super fucking anxious now?”</p><p>“Not all the time,” he explains. “Justin is more aware of what’s going on now. It’s a double-edged sword. We are happy he’s making progress and he’s able to be more alert, but it also means that he’s more aware of the scans and procedures they had otherwise been doing with just our consent. And when he’s aware of what’s happening or the procedures they have to do, such as removing the chest tube, it brings anxiety of what’s to come because it’s unknown.”</p><p>Clay contemplates the words for a moment, and then nods. “Is there anything that we can do for him? To make it easier?”</p><p>Matt peers over his glasses, shaking his head. “Dr. Holden and Dr. Noel both stressed the best thing we can do is to keep doing what we’re doing. Reassure him that we’re there, that he’s okay and we’re not going to let them do anything we don’t think will help. Justin always gives his consent as well, and we make sure everything is explained to him in ways he can understand. They think that with time Justin will adjust, but we’re monitoring it.” He looks back at his papers, striking something out. “You can help by being supportive. There isn’t much you can do right now to distract him — Justin still can’t look at screens until his headaches are a little more under control — but talk to him. Read him your group chats or a book or tell him about something that happened at school that is happy. No stress.”</p><p>Clay nods, wilting in the seat across from his father. “Alex, Charlie and Zach are on their way here,” he says mindlessly. “I told them they probably won’t be allowed in all at once, or maybe Justin won’t want to see him at all right now. But maybe seeing him would help Justin.”</p><p>Matt smiles, gaze strictly on his papers. “I don’t see why Justin couldn’t have the three of them in here at once. You can probably stay with him since you know what he needs, and Mom and I will leave to give you boys some space. We’ll talk to Natalie about it.”</p><p>Clay nods once, and when he pulls out his phone and falls into a comfortable silence waiting for Justin, Matt does the same.</p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">_______________________________</span>
  </strong>
</p><p>Matt and Lainie both agree that seeing Zach, Alex and Charlie would be the reprieve that Justin needs, giving them some time alone while they go to get dinner with Evie in the cafeteria.</p><p>Justin, who had once been subdued and fighting off anxiety since returning from his chest x-ray, perks up when his friends walk into the room holding an oversized teddy bear. “We’re not allowed to bring you flowers,” Charlie explains simply, shrugging as he sinks into a chair beside the bed.</p><p>Justin nods, watching as they all adjust their masks. “It really brightens the room,” he shrugs. “Better than anything Clay has done to the room.”</p><p>Clay raises his eyebrows. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was supposed to be a hospital decorator on top of your ice chip fetcher and readjusting your blankets when you kick them off.”</p><p>“Because I’m sick,” Justin counters.</p><p>Clay rolls his eyes, sinking back into his normal chair. The conversation is unsettling, at best. Because it feels normal. It feels like they should be back in their bedroom arguing over who’s turn it is to load the dishwasher or the fact that his half of the room constantly looks like someone ransacked it.</p><p>It makes Clay feel incomplete. He knows for a fact they’re miles away from being back to that point. As he read Justin his group chats the night before he listened to his parents hushed whispers, discussing the logistics of Justin staying in his and Clay’s room, or if he’ll need to be downstairs for the time being when he’s released from the hospital. Justin can’t walk without some assistance, can’t breathe without pain, but the conversations feel like they’re so far past all of that.</p><p>He listens to the conversation between the boys, laughter filling the room for the first time since the accident. Justin’s shifted in bed, sitting up and talking between all of them, the most alert he’s been in a while.</p><p>Zach and Charlie fill him in on the football team, the corrections they’ve been making, and how they’re preparing for the game on Friday. Justin nods, interjecting plays they could run or the pass option they had been working on prior to the attack, and for a moment Clay is stunned by how much of his memory is retained when it comes to at least football.</p><p>Alex fills him in on the musings at Liberty, keeping it decidedly PG and drama free, just like Clay had stressed in the group chat. “We’re basically just missing the chaos of our lunch table being there,” Alex shrugs, which was the best compliment Justin could’ve received from Alex and left a smile on his face.</p><p>“I’ll hopefully be back soon,” Justin smiles. He’s getting tired, shifting carefully, glancing at Clay. A silent plea to help. “Thank you for coming to see me,” he sighs. “It’s been nice to see other people that aren’t Clay or Matt and Lainie.”</p><p>“We’ll come as often as you want us to,” Charlie offers. “You can have Clay let us know when you feel up to visitors.”</p><p>“You’re worth visiting, even if they are awkward visiting times,” Alex smirks, eyes crinkling.</p><p>They stop themselves before they hug him, instead leaving him with awkward fist bumps and waves goodbye in an effort to not hurt him.</p><p>Clay moves his chair closer, pushing his feet to rest against the edge of the mattress. “I know you like it better when they’re here rather than us.”</p><p>“I haven’t really had other people here,” Justin reminds him. He shifts, closing his eyes. “And I have to lie when they come.”</p><p>Clay tilts his head. “And you don’t lie to me?” he challenges.</p><p>Justin parts his eyes, sighing. “Not really,” he says. “I hide some of the pain, okay? Only so you won’t worry so much. I don’t like that you spend so much time worrying about me. No one has ever been like that before, and I don’t want you to start.”</p><p>“Whether you tell me or not, I’m worried about you,” Clay says. He drops his feet back to the floor, leaning forward. “You need help with a lot of shit. And that’s not a bad thing, it’s just, I wish you would ask for it and not feel like you’re a burden, because you’re not a burden to us.”</p><p>Justin chews on his lip, nodding. “I will be better with telling you what I need,” he promises. Eyes darting, he lands back on Clay. “I need… I want you to help me walk to the bathroom when they come back.”</p><p>Clay perks up at the idea of being given a job, nodding immediately. “Yeah, okay. You’ll tell me what you need? How to help you?” he asks. “I don’t mean just now, I mean… I mean all the time. Whether you’re in the hospital or not.”</p><p>Justin nods, reaching his hand out for Clay’s. Clay obliges, squeezing until Matt and Lainie walk back in, smiling when they hear Justin’s request.</p><p>
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</p><p>“I know visiting hours are wrapping up, but I thought this would be a good time to talk to you guys,” Dr. Holden begins, sitting down in a chair in the room as Dr. Noel sits beside her.</p><p>Clay pauses, zipping his backpack slowly as Justin shifts in bed, attentive. With Evie back at her hotel for the evening, the family was given a few hours to be together, the meeting with Dr. Holden heavy on all of their minds.</p><p>“Justin, you have made some incredible progress,” she begins, looking back at him. “Your breathing has stayed stable since we removed the chest tube, your vitals have looked great, and medically speaking, there isn’t much more we would need to keep you in the ICU for.”</p><p>Clay pretends like he doesn’t see his parents hopeful face, or the way even Justin seems to perk up at the thought of what could come next. He can’t get his hopes up. Not after nights of heartbreak and setbacks and feeling like nothing was happening at all.</p><p>“Provided you have a stable night tonight, no complications, no fever spikes, seizures or other issues that arise, and provided that your bloodwork in the morning comes back okay, we will transfer you out of the ICU and onto a normal floor tomorrow.”</p><p>“Really?” Justin asks. He’s smiling, carefully pushing himself to sit up further, and Lainie instinctively reaches out for support. “But what about the other tubes I still have? And all of the monitors and the oxygen?”</p><p>Dr. Holden smiles politely. “The oxygen will stay and you’ll slowly be weaned off, and the NG tube will stay in at least for a few more days. We’ll work with some therapists and do some swallow studies, make sure your stomach can handle soft foods. You pass that and keep food down, the tube comes out.”</p><p>“Is the tube the reason I’m still in the hospital?”</p><p>“Not necessarily,” she says. “You can be released with an NG tube. It would require a little more training on tube feedings, but I don’t think that’s anything we’ll have to worry about. You have a few more milestones to hit before you can be sent home.”</p><p>“As for your head,” Dr. Noel steps in, smiling. “Your CT scan from this morning looked great. Still a little bit of a bleed, but I’m pleased with the progress. I’m pleased to see no further scar tissue that’s formed, and I think with time you’ll find that headaches will be less severe.”</p><p>“How long will that take?” Clay asks, sitting back in his chair.</p><p>“We can’t be positive,” Dr. Noel sighs. “The brain is sensitive, and we’re going to have to push it to get it better. It’s give and take, but Justin is young and strong, and while it may take time for him to be headache free and his vision and balance to be perfect, we have no reason to believe that any of it is going to be long-term.”</p><p>“I want to keep working on getting my brain better,” he explains, earning a smile from Dr. Noel.</p><p>“And it will be, as long as you keep working at it. I’m encouraged by everything I’m seeing with your recovery, which is why I’m agreeing with Dr. Holden that moving you to a normal ward is a step we’re ready for.”</p><p>Justin nods, feeling like he’s on cloud nine, and thanks the doctors before sinking back against his pillows. Matt and Lainie talk more about logistics, updated timelines and doctors and protocols when they move downstairs, and Clay turns back to Justin.</p><p>“I might be home soon,” Justin says, and there’s a smile plastered on his face that refuses to falter. Clay rolls his eyes, sinking back into the chair while he waits for Matt to be ready to leave for the evening.</p><p>“You know we may not be able to be roommates at first? If you can’t handle that many steps, you’ll have to sleep downstairs in Dad’s office on that bed,” he says carefully. Justin deflates momentarily, chewing on the corner of his lip.</p><p>“No, I know,” He shakes his head. “But at least I’ll be at home?”</p><p>“And we can hang out all the time,” Clay quickly corrects. “I could sleep downstairs with you, if you want? I'd just have to sleep in the living room on the sofa instead. And I’m going to wait for you to move into the outhouse, even when it’s done.”</p><p>“It’s not fair for you to sleep on the sofa. You can sleep in your own bed, I don’t need you to sleep near me if I can’t make it upstairs. And you should move into the outhouse when it’s done. It’s not fair that you’ll have to wait.”</p><p>“Yeah, well forgive me if I’m worried about leaving you downstairs or in the house when you have a head injury, stab wounds, and can barely walk without help.”</p><p>Clay regrets the words the second they come out of his mouth. He knows how it sounds, knows that it feels like Clay is blaming Justin for his injuries, and judging by the way Justin deflates and sinks under the blankets, he thinks Justin probably took it the same way.</p><p>“Clay, buddy, it’s time for us to go,” Matt says, and when Clay averts his gaze he notices Lainie’s concern and Matt’s watchful eye, and he nods anyway.</p><p>“I’ll see you tomorrow, Justin,” Clay says, and leans down to press a kiss against his forehead. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, just loud enough for Justin to hear.</p><p>“Night, Clay,” Justin replies back, saying goodbye to Matt before they leave the room.</p><p>Lainie goes to change, returning and taking her seat by Justin’s bed.</p><p>“It was my fault, right?” Justin asks. He shifts, staring at the ceiling. “I think… I think I remember seeing Seth before he attacked me. And if I did see him, then I should’ve told you before this happened. If I did see him, I could’ve told you, and then maybe we wouldn’t be here. But now we’re -”</p><p>“Exactly where we’re meant to be because of what you did to help save yourself,” Lainie finishes. She reaches forward, resting her hand on his. “Justin, this was in no way your fault, do you understand?”</p><p>Justin ignores her, free hand picking at the blanket.</p><p>“Justin, there was nothing more that you could’ve done to stop this attack. Whether you saw Seth or not, you probably didn’t think there was any harm in it, because you’ve been honest with us about Seth many times before.” Her voice is patient, unwavering, and her fingers curl around his hand. “This could have been so much worse, sweetheart. But I want you to know that you did absolutely nothing to make this your fault.”</p><p>Justin breathes, turning his hand over to hold hers. “So you’re not mad that I’m still sick and in the ICU, and even though I’m moving downstairs tomorrow it feels like it’ll never end? And even when we do get out of here, I’m going to have to go to therapy and doctors appointments to keep getting better.”</p><p>Lainie smiles, squeezing gently. “How could we be mad at you for any of that?” she smiles. “You’re getting better, and doing these therapy sessions and appointments and living in the ICU means that you’re alive. That’s all I want for you as my son, Justin. To be alive and getting better.”</p><p>Justin knows she notices the tears in his eyes. He’s grateful she doesn’t say anything, grateful when she just holds his hand and lets the moment be, and when he takes a breath and does his best to relax, he manages a smile.</p><p>“Thank you,” He breathes, shifting in the bed. “For staying with me and being patient and taking care of me."</p><p>Lainie smiles, standing up to kiss his forehead. “Always, my love. It’s what a mother should do, Justin. It’s exactly what you deserve. You know how much I love you, right?”</p><p>Justin nods, sinking further into the pillows. “I love you, too,” he whispers. He falls asleep holding Lainie’s hand, and for the first time in a long time, he feels like maybe he’s exactly where he’s supposed to be.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i believe this is the longest chapter of the fic! almost 10k because i couldn't find a logical place to stop at a decent word count :)</p><p>thank you guys for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! i hope you're still enjoying this :)</p><p>see you next Friday!!</p><p>title of chapter is from Ghost of You by 5 Seconds of Summer :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. keep on trying to move forward</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Justin continues to make progress, Clay voices his concerns, and Lainie oversees the next step in the legal proceedings.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Wednesday.</strong>
</p><p>After a few quick goodbyes to Annie and Dr. Holden, Justin sleeps through the transfer out of the ICU.</p><p>Lainie decides it’s probably better, if she’s being honest with herself, that he isn’t awake to have the monitors changed and settling into their new room, which overlooked the highway and was little noisier than their ICU room.</p><p>She and Matt meet with the new nurses, Olivia and Nate, talk about Justin’s struggles and his care in the ICU, and are only slightly comforted by Dr. Miller, an older woman who promises she has Justin’s best interests in mind.</p><p>“There will be less monitoring here, but our goal for Justin is to get him home as soon as it’s safe,” she assures them, looking between them both. “Our main goals are pain management and getting him up and moving. While he’s still battling the infection, there is a significantly less risk of complications, making it easier for us to work with the therapists and get him up and walking throughout the day.”</p><p>Lainie writes down a list of questions, mapping out goals and plans and a tangible date they could release Justin from the hospital. Long after Dr. Miller leaves, she works on making the room feel more comfortable, feels Justin’s forehead perhaps too many times, and talks to Matt idly about modifications they’d need to make to the house to make it easier for Justin to get around when he’s ready.</p><p>“He’ll be walking by then, honey,” Matt reminds her gently. “Maybe it’ll be with more assistance than he’s used to, but we don’t have any reason to believe he won’t at least be able to do it.”</p><p>Lainie frowns, spreading the blanket across Justin’s legs. “We’ll need to think about navigating the steps,” she reminds him. “The shower’s upstairs, but I also think he needs to be in the boys’ room for the time being, even when the outhouse is completed.”</p><p>“I agree,” Matt nods. “And we’ll prepare for all of that as we get closer. But we have at least a few more days in the hospital, and our focus needs to be on lowering his oxygen, getting the NG tube out and having him walk more than he has been.”</p><p>Lainie concedes, pulls a chair over to Justin’s bed, and takes his hand without another word.</p><p>
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    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>For as much worry as Lainie let bubble up in her chest over the impending swallow test, Justin gets through it with relative ease.</p><p>They took breaks when he needed it, and Lisa, the Speech Language Pathologist, declares the test a success. “I’ll discuss with Dr. Miller, but I think we can start soft foods and work to remove the NG tube once we know you can keep the food down.”</p><p>Which means he’s granted cups of water for now, and Matt dutifully supervises Justin’s small sips and shaking hand as he holds the cup, Lainie meeting with Dr. Miller and Lisa about next steps. “Feel good? Being able to swallow actual liquid now?”</p><p>Justin nods. “It hurts a little though,” he sighs, pursing his lips around the straw. “I want more,” he says. “Can I have more than water?”</p><p>“We’ll talk to Dr. Miller about it, okay? We can’t rush this,” he says gently, which earns an eye roll from Justin as he takes another sip.</p><p>Lainie returns from meeting with Lisa and Dr. Miller, the familiar face of Carolyn Standall following behind her.</p><p>“I will not be your nurse, but I was bringing a patient up and heard you were moved here,” Carolyn smiles, nodding towards the cup perched in Justin’s hand. “Making a lot of progress, huh? A big move today, cups of water, and the allowance of visitors a little more frequently. All good signs, Justin.”</p><p>Justin nods, shifting. “Can you ask if I can have more than water? I did well at the swallow test.”</p><p>“Actually, sweetheart, Dr. Miller said if you wanted we could try a little jello,” Lainie offers, smiling as she crosses her arms over her chest. “Would you be up for that?”</p><p>Justin nods, handing the water cup back to Matt.</p><p>Carolyn says her goodbyes, Olivia returning in her place with an orange jello cup as requested, and smiles. “Some patients find it a little difficult to swallow the jello when it’s like that while they have an NG tube, so let it dissolve a little in your mouth,” she offers, glancing at Justin’s monitors. “And while I’m here, give me a pain number.”</p><p>Justin contemplates it as Matt opens the jello for him. “Like a… a four.”</p><p>Olivia nods, accepting his answer and watching as Justin dips the spoon into the jello, allowing it spill off the sides. “Relax, Justin,” she reminds him, watching as Lainie takes a step forward, sitting on the edge of the bed. “Would it make you feel better if I stay here for the first bite? Just in case anything happens?”</p><p>Justin’s eyes flick between Matt and Lainie, before landing on Olivia once more. “Can you?”</p><p>“Sure,” she nods, soft eyes and kind smile as she stands just by his head. “Small bite, let it dissolve a little, and then swallow. I’m right here if something happens, and your parents aren’t leaving.”</p><p>Hesitantly, Justin takes a bite. He lets it dissolve in his mouth, swallowing with a wince, and then pulls more onto the spoon, taking another bite.</p><p>“Good, Justin,” Olivia smiles, readjusting his monitors. “Keep eating it nice and slow like that. Hit the nurse’s button if you need us.”</p><p>She waits until Justin nods, leaving quietly as Matt and Lainie focus on helping Justin, who manages to finish the entire cup.</p><p>“I want to sleep,” he whispers, pushing the tray in front of him away. Lainie nods, removing the trash and readjusting his blankets, and then shares a knowing smile with her husband on the progress they’ve made in just a few short hours.</p><p>
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</p><p>Broth is decidedly more difficult, they come to find over dinner that evening.</p><p>Justin has issues with the taste, and then the temperature. Too hot irritates his throat, but too cold makes it taste horrible and he gags, leaning back in fear that the tube will become dislodged and they’ll have to reinsert it.</p><p>So they settle on jello again for the evening, Clay handing him a lime cup as he sits down beside him. “You know, jello for dinner is a pretty great treat. You better not get used to it.”</p><p>“You’re having chicken the Downs brought for us,” Lainie reminds him, handing him a plate so he can stay with Justin. “Justin, love, don’t get discouraged,” she reminds him. “We’ll try broth again tomorrow. Find the right temperature and make sure you can stomach it. This is going to be a trial and error process.”</p><p>Justin just nods, lifting jello onto the spoon and watching it fall before reluctantly taking a bite.</p><p>“What’s your deal?” Clay asks, nudging Justin’s leg with his hand. “You’re allowed to eat real people food and drink water. Shouldn’t you be happier?”</p><p>Justin stares at the jello until it falls off his spoon, rolling his eyes. “I can only eat jello. Broth made me gag, and I'm too scared to try other stuff.”</p><p>Clay stares at his dinner, pushing his fork through the applesauce. “What if you tried this?” he asks, holding his plate up. “If you can swallow jello, you can swallow applesauce, right? And that shouldn’t irritate your throat like broth did.”</p><p>Justin shrugs, forcing himself to take another bite. “I don’t know. No one said.”</p><p>Clay turns back, facing Lainie and Matt. “Can Justin try my applesauce?” he asks, Lainie looking up at him. “He says he’s getting tired of jello, and they’re basically the same consistency.”</p><p>Lainie sighs. “We can ask, sure. But we’ll get him his own helping, we can’t risk another infection.” She looks around Clay, eyes fixating on Justin. “Justin, honey, is that something you would like to try?”</p><p>“I guess,” he shrugs, setting the cup down on the table and pushing it away. Lainie nods, moving to come press the nurse’s button, but is stopped when Olivia walks in with a smile.</p><p>“Justin wants to know if he can try applesauce,” Lainie smiles, standing beside the bed.</p><p>Olivia notices the table moved, bringing it back to sit in front of Justin. “You can try applesauce if you want, but I’ve been instructed to bring you this protein shake,” she says, setting the cup down on the table. “If you can keep it down, you’re one step closer to being able to have the tube out. But obviously we’ll take our time and keep trying if we’re not successful this time.”</p><p>“Why do I have to drink this?” Justin asks. He leans forward, holding the cup in his hand and twisting the straw.</p><p>“It’ll help you put more weight back on. It has a lot of nutrients that you’re otherwise missing if we stop the formula feeds in your tube. Think you can give it a shot?” she asks. “It’s vanilla, but if you hate it, I can try to get you a chocolate one.”</p><p>“Vanilla’s okay,” Justin resigns, bringing the straw up to his lips and hesitantly taking a sip.</p><p>Olivia talks with Lainie, careful to not keep full attention on Justin as he drinks it slowly, leaning back against the bed. “Good? No immediate nausea?”</p><p>Justin shakes his head, dutifully proving that he’s fine in the best way that he can.</p><p>“Keep drinking that. Slow sips, take breaks, and I’ll go see if I can track down some applesauce for you to try if you’re still feeling up to it.”</p><p>Justin waits until Olivia leaves the room, setting the cup back down on the table. Lainie frowns, watching him. “I don’t want anything,” he sighs, shifting to lay on his side as best he can. “Please Lainie, can I take a break? Just for a little.”</p><p>Lainie frowns. “A little break is fine,” she relents after a moment, running her fingers through his hair. “But we need to keep trying with the protein shake in a little bit, okay?”</p><p>Justin nods, shifting the blankets. Clay sits beside him, twisting uncomfortably before speaking. “Can we talk about last night?”</p><p>“What about it?” Justin asks, tilting his head to look at him. “When you left?”</p><p>“And how it sounded like I blamed you for what happened,” Clay finishes, folding his hands together. “I’ve been thinking about it all night. How I didn’t get to apologize to you before we had to go home.”</p><p>Justin blows out a breath. “I know you didn’t mean it the way it sounded,” he concedes, “but it still really fucking hurt that you made it sound like it was my fault I’m not going to be able to do anything normally for a while.”</p><p>For a moment, Clay lets the words sink in. He expected Justin to brush it off, to say that it was fine, that he knew he didn’t mean it that way. It’s how he always is, and while they never saw it as a positive attribute, instead encouraging him to share how he’s feeling, Clay didn’t think that had changed in the last few weeks. But listening to Justin express how much it hurt him, listening to him say that Clay’s words affected him, almost made Clay feel even worse than he already did.</p><p>“I wasn’t thinking when I said it,” he admits quietly, dropping his head. “You were so excited about all the progress, as you should have been, and I came and squashed all the good news by being rude about how things don’t just go back to normal when we’re home.”</p><p>“You weren’t wrong about that, though,” Justin laughs. “I just… I don’t want you to give up your bed to sleep on the sofa or move into the outhouse just so you can stay with me. I know you’re worried about me, and I get it, but you can be worried about me without reminding me how much help I’m going to need and things won’t be normal in the beginning, or maybe even for a while.”</p><p>Nodding, Clay leans forward. “So we’re okay? I didn’t completely ruin everything?”</p><p>Justin laughs, reaching his hand out. “Just because I’m annoyed you’re an idiot doesn’t mean I think you ruined anything,” he reminds him. “We’re fine, as long as you agree that you’ll move into the outhouse and you won’t sleep on the sofa just to be near me in case I need you.”</p><p>Clay smiles easily, reaching out to take Justin’s hand. “Deal,” he agrees, telling him stories about school and the homework he’s working on, and when Justin drifts back to sleep, he finishes his dinner beside his brother in silence.</p><p>
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  </span>
</p><p>Clay’s largely silent on the ride home, which Matt thinks would be a concern if they hadn’t had a long evening at the hospital. Justin being moved to a new floor means relaxed visiting hours, something that both Lainie and Matt found to be effective for Justin and Clay to ease their anxieties.</p><p>The radio serves as background noise, Clay staring out the window as he folds his fingers together. Matt tries to think of something to fill the empty space, thinks about informing his son that he’s going to go back to teaching a class or two a day in person at Justin’s request, but Clay finds his voice before he manages to.</p><p>“What happens if Justin doesn’t push himself to keep eating? Or at least trying?” he asks. He turns his head, looking at Matt as they pull into their driveway.</p><p>Matt furrows his brow, shaking his head. “What do you mean?” he asks. “Justin has been handling the jello great, he finished most of the protein shake, and willingly tried the applesauce before it got to be too much.”</p><p>Clay sighs, unbuckling his seatbelt. “He took a million breaks during the protein shake, kept asking if he had to drink more, and only ate the applesauce because Olivia went on a hunt for it and he felt bad. You didn’t even mention how the broth went horribly.”</p><p>Matt steps out of the car, feeling Clay trail behind him as he unlocks the door and steps into the kitchen. “I don’t want this to be something you worry about,” Matt decides after a moment, setting his things down and turning to look at his son. “Your mother and I are consulting with Dr. Miller and the nutritionist, and they both feel that Justin will ease into the protein shakes the more he drinks them. This is also the first day he’s trying food, we knew it wouldn’t all be smooth. Once he gets a handle on the protein shakes, we’re hoping the rest will follow behind.”</p><p>Clay pours himself a drink, leaning back against the counter. “He needs to be pushed, though. If you give in every time he wants a break, he won’t keep trying. He’ll just keep pushing it off.”</p><p>“And we will keep pushing him,” Matt promises. “Clay, all you need to worry about is school and therapy and being the positive support your brother needs. We don’t want you to worry about his recovery or eating or even bringing Justin home. Your mother and I are mapping all of that out and planning accordingly. It’s not something we need you to help with.”</p><p>The concrete instructions seem to settle Clay, who nods as he takes a drink. “When do you think he can come home?”</p><p>Matt smiles, chewing on the corner of his lip. “A few more days. They lowered his oxygen this afternoon, they’re going to continue that daily if he handles it well, and with any hope the NG tube will be out in a day or two.”</p><p>Matt hesitates, and then continues. “We’re meeting with the respiratory therapist tomorrow to assist Justin in breathing deeply without the assistance of oxygen. We’re going to talk to a few other therapists he’ll need outside of the hospital, and Dr. Ellman is also visiting with him. Things are moving quickly, but they’re all positive.”</p><p>“Won’t he get overwhelmed?”</p><p>“He may,” Matt replies. “And we’re going to look for the signs and stop the second we think he can’t handle it, or when he tells us he needs a break. But if he wants to come home, this is something we need to start doing.”</p><p>“How are we going to make sure he can get around here?” Clay presses, questions flying at a million miles a minute. “He can barely walk around his hospital room, how will he navigate stairs?”</p><p>Matt sits down at the table, motioning for Clay to join him. Reluctantly, Clay follows, sitting down across from his father. “Clay, I am telling you this because I think it’s beneficial for you to hear what we’re doing for your brother, and we want to be transparent. But I don't want this to consume you,” He begins, continuing when Clay nods in understanding. “We are making arrangements for Justin to stay in your room for the foreseeable future, even when the outhouse is finished. The physical therapists say his balance is getting better and are confident he’ll be doing well with stairs by then, but if he can't navigate that many stairs, then we’ll move him to my office and set up a bed down here.”</p><p>He pauses, making sure Clay’s okay, and then continues. “It’s very likely he’ll be sent home with a cane to use as needed. We’re going to push for him to get up and walk as much as possible, and he’ll most likely need help getting up and around for the time being, so we will supervise. We’ll be encouraging him to be downstairs during the day whenever possible, and someone will always be nearby in case he needs anything.”</p><p>“Are you and Mom quitting work?”</p><p>“No,” Matt replies firmly. “Your mother will mostly be working from home, and when she has to go to court or into the office, I’ll stay home with Justin. The university has cleared me to remote teach for the next few weeks or even months when needed, which is beneficial. But Justin has asked that I return to teaching in person once or twice a week, and I’m going to honor that request given that he’s doing better and doesn’t need Mom and I both there at the same time all the time.”</p><p>For a moment Clay looks as if he’s going to ask another question, but he shrugs and nods, accepting.</p><p>Matt waits until Clay goes to shower, pulling out his phone to text Lainie. <em>Reminder to flag with Dr. Ellman about reminding Clay that he doesn’t need to lead Justin’s recovery. A lot of worry and questions tonight about moving too fast or not pushing Justin hard enough, and then what happens when he’s home.</em></p><p>
  <em>I love you. I hope you and Justin have a restful and quiet night.</em>
</p><p>
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  </span>
</p><p>In the dim light of Justin’s hospital room, Lainie is able to take in his features.</p><p>He’s lost weight since being admitted, cheeks more drawn in, arms skinnier. His breathing is slowly getting deeper, and the slow removal of the chest tube and monitors makes it easier for him to lay on his side or move around.</p><p>He’s sleeping peacefully, fingers twisting around the blankets. Lainie’s used the time to catch up on work that’s been piling up, schedule more appointments and look into anything they may need back home, and tentatively work on a schedule that would both help Justin recover and not overwhelm him.</p><p>There’s a knock at the door, Carolyn Standall walking in with a smile and her bag over her shoulder. “Just wanted to stop in before I left,” she whispers, taking in Justin sleeping before joining Lainie at the table. “Have things gone any better from when you texted me?”</p><p>“Slightly,” Lainie decides after a moment, clicking her tongue between her teeth. “He finished most of the protein shake and ate the applesauce. Clay managed to get him to walk around the room a few times, made him promise they could walk the halls tomorrow as long as the physical therapists give the okay, and Justin sat in the chair and listened to Clay do his homework out loud. But it’s so much give and take, and it feels like we’re stuck right now.”</p><p>A sympathetic smile crosses Carolyn’s face. “You’re not stuck, Lainie,” she assures her. “And I know that means nothing right now in the grand scheme of things, me saying those words. I was in your position. I remember sitting here with Bill, watching Alex learn to talk and walk and feed himself again, and I remember thinking that we are never going to get back to even a fraction of where he was before.”</p><p>“He’s doing great now,” Lainie offers, smiling.</p><p>Carolyn returns the gesture, nodding. “And Justin will be doing great eventually, too,” she promises. “It’s going to take time, it’s going to take a lot of effort and fights with Justin about doing therapy or exercises. But you’re going to get there.”</p><p>Lainie nods, dabbing at her eyes and looking back at Justin. “I just feel so helpless.”</p><p>“That feeling never leaves,” Carolyn whispers. “I still look at Alex and watch him struggle with things that used to be so easy, and I wonder what I could’ve done to ease all of this. But what’s worked for us is never showing Alex that we were wary of his recovery, or concerned with the setbacks he’s faced.”</p><p>“How did you deal with not wanting to do therapy or being reluctant to keep trying more food?”</p><p>“We bribed him,” Carolyn shrugs. They both share a wet laugh, Lainie shaking her head as she turns back to her friend. “We told him if he worked hard at therapy or with trying to introduce a new food, he could play a video game or have his favorite snack. Things you do for a little kid.”</p><p>“But it worked.”</p><p>“It did,” she nods. “And you’ll find what works for Justin. In the lulls, something will give. Justin will respond to something.”</p><p>Lainie nods. She lets the monitors serve as the noise for a moment, and then turns to Carolyn. “How many more days do you think we have in here? Be realistic with me. I can handle it — even if it’s bad.”</p><p>Carolyn sighs. “It’s not unrealistic to think that he could be out of here by the end of the week,” she offers. “He’s been doing great, working hard in physical therapy, and if he keeps tolerating foods, he’ll have the NG tube taken out within the next few days. As long as he weans off the oxygen, stays stable, and his scans look good, there’s no reason for them to keep him here.”</p><p>Realistically, Lainie knows she should feel comforted by this news. Bringing Justin home had been the one thing they were waiting for. But now with a tangible timeline, one that gave a realistic date, a goal for them to meet in her mind, left her with a worry she hadn’t felt since Justin was attacked.</p><p>“I’ll stop by the house as often as you need, Lainie. Whenever you need a nurse’s opinion, or someone to talk to, mother to mother,” Carolyn smiles, sensing Lainie’s worry. “But you guys are ready for this. As someone who’s been through something similar, I know you guys are ready. Patients tend to recover faster when they’re home as well. Alex definitely did.”</p><p>Lainie nods. “I think Justin will feel much better being in his own bed.”</p><p>Carolyn stays for a while longer, offers support in areas Lainie needs it and the motherly conversation she had so desperately been missing, and by the time she slips out and Lainie gets ready for bed, she convinces herself that they were ready for these changes, no matter how much fear they stirred inside her.</p><p>
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</p><p>
  <strong>Thursday.</strong>
</p><p>In the 23 years of being a lawyer, Lainie had listened to questioning procedures countless times.</p><p>She’d listened to confessions from abusers, who’d justified their actions because their partner did something that they hated. She’d listened to teenagers who took their fun and pranks just a little too far, getting caught for vandalism or destructing someone’s property by throwing eggs or rocks. She’d listened to the minor questioning sessions, like car accident victims and the aftermath of fights, but nothing had prepared her for standing on the other side of the glass listening to her son’s abuser be questioned as to why he did what he did.</p><p>“Would you like a chair, Lainie?” Bill asks, handing her a bottle of water. “We don’t know how long this questioning will be, and some of it may be difficult to hear.”</p><p>Reluctantly, Lainie nods, thanking him quietly as she sits down and stares through the double-paned glass at Seth, who’s in an orange jumpsuit and cuffed to the table. She takes a sip of her water, smoothing her hands over her skirt. “Do you think he’ll confess anything today?”</p><p>Beside her, Bill sighs. “He asked for this questioning. The DA gave him the opportunity to confess to why he did this in exchange for a lesser sentence.” Sensing Lainie’s panic, he holds up his hand. “He’s still being charged pretty heavily, and he had outstanding warrants and drug charges. So while yes, he may have his sentence for the attack reduced by a few months at most, he won’t be getting out of jail anytime soon.”</p><p>The words, which were meant to comfort Lainie, don’t do much to ease her heart. If she had it her way, Seth would never be released from jail. And while yes, she understands that he wasn’t charged with attempted murder and he wouldn’t be sentenced to life in prison, there’s a piece of her heart that shatters when she hears that the only reason he’s confessing to his motive is because it means he won’t be punished as severely as he should be.</p><p>She listens to the questions asked by the lawyers, the calculated responses from Seth in reply. Fiddling with her water bottle, Lainie studies Seth, chewing on the corner of her lip.</p><p>Justin was in Seth’s care for two years. Justin doesn’t normally speak about his time with Seth in his life, but Lainie knows he doesn’t have to. The evidence of the turmoil is stained on his CPS file, countless reports of domestic disturbances reported by the neighbors. Bruises and broken bones and abuse littered throughout his papers, almost always resulting in Amber being granted custody, and Seth returning to their home after he knew CPS would steer clear.</p><p>Justin had never been given a break from Seth. Seth choked him, beat him on multiple occasions. While Justin has never explicitly said that his fractured elbow his freshman year of high school was at the hands of Seth, he’s done everything to imply it, shifting uncomfortably and stumbling over excuses like he’s done it a million times before each time Lainie would discuss his file with him in the beginning.</p><p>Lainie is not the type of woman to wish ill-will on someone, but in this case, she wants justice to be served. She wants Seth to sit in jail for years, wants him to pay for what he’s done, for the crimes he got away with when Justin was living with him. She wishes he would show remorse, come out a changed man, but for as much hope as Lainie is filled with, she isn’t that optimistic that Seth will change at all.</p><p>When the lawyer asks Seth’s motive for the attack, Lainie’s breath catches in her throat. Bill is steady beside her, hands curled around his coffee cup. “Let me know if you’d like to step out,” he says quietly, but Lainie dismisses him with a shake of her head, eyes focusing directly on Seth.</p><p>Seth smirks, leaning back in the chair. The cuffs clank against the metal leg of the chair clumsily. “He got out of paying his debts by having his rich boyfriend help,” he says, voice sinister and full of hatred. “When I gave him the chance to pay his debts back the fair way, he cheated my clients of what they ordered by skimming off some for himself. He thinks I didn’t know, but it always gets back to me.”</p><p>“How long ago was this?” the lawyer asks, shifting in his chair.</p><p>“Almost a year ago,” Seth replies after a moment.</p><p>Lainie bows her head. Justin had relapsed, a combination of stress and anxiety that the adoption process was stalling in the wake of the accusation that Clay killed Bryce. She remembers the days so clearly, the tearful admission that he relapsed and he needed more help, the fear she felt for this boy who had clearly never been given the support system he so deserved.</p><p>She never knew the circumstances of his relapse. Naively, she assumed he got back in touch with his old dealer. She didn’t think Justin had spoken to Seth at all, and as she listens, regret consumes her for not meddling more, for not getting more involved.</p><p>She should’ve known she needed to. She should’ve known Justin needed it.</p><p>“So what made you want to attack him now? If you were planning on attacking him for these things he did wrong in the past, why wouldn’t you do it back then?”</p><p>Seth laughs, shaking his head. “His mama asked to see him,” he says quietly. “Did everything right. Went through the fucking courts instead of showing up to his new rich family’s house. And that kid said no. His mama may be a whore, but she wanted to see him, and even if he thinks his new rich family is his new life, he’s still a drug addict who should’ve taken the opportunity to see his mother when he had it.”</p><p>Lainie gratefully takes a tissue when Bill extends the box. “He made that decision so carefully,” Lainie sighs, dabbing at her eyes. “When she requested visitation, our first instinct was to deny without giving Justin a decision. But Matt and I have always advocated to Justin that his voice matters, so we left it up to him.”</p><p>“He didn’t even take time to think about it,” Lainie sighs, a smile crossing her face for a moment. “He asked his options for visitation, we laid them out, and he decided he’d rather not see her. It wasn’t… there was nothing sinister behind it. He didn’t think he was ready.”</p><p>“Visitation is not set up to benefit the parent who had their rights taken away, even post-adoption,” Bill says beside her, handing her another tissue. “Justin is the person in control in this situation. If he doesn’t feel ready, he had no reason to accept the visitation to please her.”</p><p>Lainie sucks in a breath, the conversation continuing with Seth vague in her mind. “If I had known that him denying the request would lead to this, I would’ve done so much more to protect him. I should’ve been doing so much more to protect him anyway knowing his background.”</p><p>Bill reaches over, resting his hand on her arm. “You were doing everything you possibly could for Justin,” he says quietly. “How could you have known that something like this would happen? You have always had Justin’s best interests in mind, and you had no reason to believe he needed more protection than what you were already giving him.”</p><p>“Lainie, he deserves to be a normal kid. He deserves to be able to walk to school with Clay and go to his sporting events or hang out with his friends. You shouldn’t have to feel like you needed to protect him from Seth for a decision Justin made to protect his own wellbeing. Choosing to not see his mother should not have led to where it did, but this is not on you, or Matt, or Clay. You were doing everything you could to help him, protect him, and guide him.”</p><p>She watches as Seth is cuffed and led back through the opposite door towards the cells, her heart in her throat. “I don’t know if I’m more comforted or horrified that I know his motive now,” she whispers, standing and smoothing out her outfit. “And how am I supposed to tell Matt? Or Justin, when we feel he’s ready?”</p><p>“With honesty,” Bill replies, leading her back through the halls of County Jail towards the parking lot. “Matt deserves any and all details, but Justin, maybe he just deserves to know about the drug part of it, at least for now. Keep it to what you think he can handle.”</p><p>Pausing as the cool air hits their face, Lainie thanks him quietly. “I know this took some time out of your day to come down here and listen in with me. I can’t thank you enough for everything you and Carolyn have done for us.”</p><p>Smiling, Bill digs his keys from his pocket. “Let us know anything you need. You all have been so good to us, it’s the least we can do to return the favor now,” he says, turning back toward his squad car as Lainie grants herself a moment of relaxation in the car, returning to the hospital with hope in her heart that they can begin the steps to healing.</p><p>
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</p><p>The hallways of the normal ward are bustling, but Lainie is not expecting her sons to be two of those people walking through the hall.</p><p>“Jess wants to come visit, but Clay told me the only way he would tell her I said yes was if I got up and walked in the hallway with him,” Justin said shortly, knuckles gripped tightly around his IV stand as he shifts carefully on his sock covered feet.</p><p>Lainie sighs, looking between her two boys. Justin, who looks exhausted but is doing his best to stand up straight, and Clay, who’s sporting a smug smile as he stands beside his brother, a hand gently resting on his forearm.</p><p>“Well, while I’m not proud of the bribing techniques you’ve used, Clay, Justin, it probably is good for you to get up and moving a little more,” Lainie says, reaching out to brush Justin’s NG tube behind his ear. “Justin, you don’t have much farther to walk, and Jess can come see you after. Walking is necessary to get you home, love.”</p><p>Rolling his eyes, Justin nods. “I told him the end of the hall and back, and that’s it.”</p><p>“That’s fair,” Lainie says, smiling as she looks at Clay. “Don’t push him any farther than that. If you agreed on the end of the hall and back, that’s good for now. He walked throughout the day, too.”</p><p>“I won’t make him go farther than that,” Clay promises, the sincerity behind his eyes enough to calm Lainie for a moment as she steps aside, allowing them to continue walking.</p><p>Matt seems surprised to see her walk in, kissing her as she sits down at the table.</p><p>“I saw the boys walking,” she announces, pulling out her laptop and tying her hair off the back of her neck. “Safe to say that was entirely Clay’s bribing.”</p><p>Suppressing an eye roll, Matt nods. “It was a whole fight. I made them not talk to each other for five minutes to calm down, and then Justin agreed to walk, but bargained,” he recaps. “It felt oddly normal to be arguing with Justin about doing something, and listening to his bargaining. For a moment I forgot everything we had been through and what he was bargaining to get out of doing.”</p><p>Lainie nods, the sentiment not lost on her as well. There had been flickers of moments where she felt things were normal and they were just fighting over Justin completing his chores or working on his college essays. It’s the monitors and the constant therapists and doctors floating in and out of the room that remind her they are far from normal, that it will be a while before things really do feel like they’re normal.</p><p>“Evie has taken it upon herself to find a vendor to have the house deep cleaned. She mentioned how beneficial it would be considering Justin’s immune system is compromised from the attack, recovery and infection. She’s home right now making calls and arrangements,” he relays, glancing up from his stack of papers. “How was the questioning? Did Seth confess?”</p><p>Wilting, Lainie nods. She presses the heels of her hands just under her eyes, composing herself. “He said that he did it because Justin had Bryce help him pay off debts, and then when he spent a brief period working for Seth he stole drugs,” she explains, pausing. “But he also said the final straw that made him go through with the attack was the fact that Justin denied visitation with Amber.”</p><p>Matt’s head falls, defeated, and he gives himself a moment to let the information sink in. “If you’re doubting for a second that we didn’t do absolutely everything we could have to make sure Justin was safe, stop,” he says softly. “We made those decisions, we supported Justin with coming to that decision. We shouldn’t have had to feel that his decision to not see his mother at this time would mean that we were putting him in harm's way.”</p><p>“When does he get a break?” Lainie asks tearfully, shaking her head. “He finally gets to have the power of making decisions that benefit him and help him recover, and even then he gets hurt. When will we be able to look at our son and promise him that he is free to make any decision that he wants without feeling like he’s going to be punished for it?”</p><p>Reaching across the table, Matt squeezes her hand. “We’re going to make sure Seth is punished to the fullest extent, we’re going to put every single barrier in place to make sure Justin is protected, and he’s going to learn that he can choose whatever he feels is best for himself without worrying about if it will hurt him in the future.”</p><p>Their conversation is cut short when the boys return, Justin shrugging off help from both Matt and Clay in getting back in bed before allowing Matt to help him adjust on the pillows, handing him his blankets to situate however he wants them.</p><p>“Can you tell Jess she can come now?” he asks Clay, who pulls out his phone and makes a show out of texting her, setting his phone on Justin’s bed so he can see Jess’ reply that she’s on her way a moment later.</p><p>
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</p><p>“I got approval from Lainie and Mrs. Standall, and I asked the place to make it super smooth to the point where they looked at me like I had four heads,” Jess announces as she walks through the door, three smoothies juggled on a tray in her hand. “But I brought you your favorite smoothie as a treat since you’re allowed to have more normal things now.”</p><p>Justin brightens when she hands him his smoothie and then one to Clay, looking to Lainie for confirmation that it was okay to have.</p><p>“We ran it past the nutritionist and the doctors, and all agree that you can stomach a smoothie,” she smiles, standing up from her spot at the table. “We’re going to leave you be for a little so you two can hang out. Justin, honey, we’ll be in the waiting room. Take your time drinking that, and if it hurts, just stop, okay?”</p><p>He nods, looking back to Clay, who shifts on his feet at the foot of his bed quietly. “Would you be okay if I went with them?” he asks, glancing at Jess. “I just… you haven't been able to be alone with anyone but us. I figured you guys would want the time.”</p><p>“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” Justin smiles. “There’s nurses, and if something happens Jess can come get you guys.”</p><p>“Okay, yeah,” Clay nods, walking out quietly as Justin takes a sip of his smoothie.</p><p>Jess turns back, pulling the chair closer to the edge of the bed. “Is he always like that? Nervous to leave you with anyone?”</p><p>Justin shrugs, taking another sip of his smoothie. “I haven’t really been left alone with anyone besides Matt, Lainie and our aunt. He’s usually okay with Matt and Lainie, but I know he texts them a lot when he’s at school to see how I’m doing.”</p><p>“Does he spend the night here?” Jess asks, smiling.</p><p>Justin knows she means well. He knows she’s not doing this to pry or make fun of Clay, but it leaves a sour taste in Justin’s stomach as he shakes his head, stretching his legs out. “Lainie spends the nights with me. Matt has, too, but it’s mostly her,” he replies, staring at his lap as he takes another sip. “Clay’s never spent the night, and as far as I know, he’s never asked to.”</p><p>Jess nods, letting a moment pass before she speaks again. “Do you talk about what happened?” she asks, this time more timid than before. “I mean, have you talked about the attack?”</p><p>“No,” Justin says shortly. “I’ve talked about it a few times, but there’s nothing really to talk about. I don’t remember anything from the attack, and besides telling me that he stopped it, Clay doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t even like to say Seth’s name.”</p><p>Jess takes a sip of her own smoothie, sitting up straight. “Why not?”</p><p>Squeezing his eyes shut, for a moment Jess thinks maybe Justin has brain freeze. “I can’t remember,” he admits quietly after a moment, shoulders sagging. “I know we talked about it, but I can’t remember why he said he doesn’t like to say it.”</p><p>Reaching forward, she rests her hand on top of his. “That’s okay,” she assures him. “Let’s talk about you. You seem like you’re doing better,” she smiles, steering the conversation.</p><p>Nodding, Justin pulls his hand away and twirls his straw through his smoothie. “If I keep food and liquids down then I can probably have my NG tube out tomorrow. They’re hoping I can go home at the end of the week.”</p><p>“Any idea on when you’ll be back in school?” she asks hopefully.</p><p>Justin, resigned, shakes his head. “Probably not for a while. Walking around the halls here makes me need a nap. I have pretty bad headaches and focusing is hard, let alone remembering anything. I can’t sit up unassisted, or really even get myself out of bed. I can’t carry anything, and I’m going to need a lot of therapy and physical therapy and rehab. I don’t know when they’ll clear me to be allowed at school.”</p><p>“It’ll be great just to have you home,” Jess concedes. “What about your phone? It feels oddly formal to have to go through Clay to see if you’re up for visitors. Makes it seem like he’s your secretary” she laughs, taking a sip of her own smoothie.</p><p>Another sigh, another noncommittal shrug. “My head hurts too much to look at screens. Until the headaches get better, I probably won’t be allowed to have it,” he explains quietly. “So you’ll be stuck with Clay telling you if I’m up for seeing people, at least for a little while.”</p><p>Jess nods. “I get it. That makes sense, I remember Alex being the same way,” she says, watching Justin take another sip as he closes his eyes.</p><p>“Jess, I’m sorry,” he breathes, shaking his head slowly. “My head is really bothering me, and it’s been a long day. I’m sure you’d rather be anywhere else.”</p><p>Frowning, Jess shakes her head. “I want to be here if you want me here. But if you want to rest, tell me and I’ll leave you be. I can come back tomorrow or whatever.”</p><p>Parting his eyes just enough to see Jess as a blur in front of him, Justin sighs. “I’m sorry, Jess. I’ll be better tomorrow. I’ll sleep more so I won’t feel so awful when you come. Thank you for bringing me a smoothie, though. It’s the best thing I’ve had so far.”</p><p>Standing, Jess gives him a small smile and kisses his cheek. “Of course. And you don’t have to apologize for how you feel. I get it, and if you’re feeling up to it, I’ll come back tomorrow. Just have Clay let me know.”</p><p>He listens to her footsteps leave the room, the door clicking shut for a moment only to open quietly, Lainie’s gentle hand brushing his forehead. “How bad is your headache, love?”</p><p>Opening his eyes, Justin blinks up at her, shrugging uncomfortably. “It’s like normal. Not any worse,” he admits. “I just… she was asking me questions about coming back to school and when I’d have my phone back, and I didn’t have the energy to talk about any of it.”</p><p>For a moment, he expects Lainie to be upset. She had been preaching being honest about his health and pain, and he had blatantly lied about his pain to get out of a conversation. But instead she smiles, fingers gently massaging his scalp. “That’s okay. Sometimes conversations can be draining, and I’m sure they’re difficult for you right now when you’re not feeling well,” she says softly. “Why don’t you get some rest. We can try more food later.”</p><p>Clay sits down on the edge of Justin’s bed when Lainie moves, surprised when Justin pushes himself up enough to fall into Clay’s arms, hugging him.</p><p>Clay holds him, resting his chin on his brother’s shoulder as he carefully works to untangle Justin’s IV line so it doesn’t snag. “What is this for?”</p><p>“You don’t come back from school asking a million questions. You just make me do things so I keep getting better. And I know I get mad or annoyed or whatever, but you put up with me. Even when you probably shouldn’t. And you protect me the best that you can.”</p><p>Clay laughs, feeling Justin tense beneath him as he slowly helps him lean back against the pillows. “You’re an idiot who doesn’t like working hard sometimes, but I still love you. You’re my brother,” Clay reminds him. “And you don’t need to fake being in more pain than you are. If I’m annoying you, just tell me.”</p><p>“I will,” Justin nods, watching Clay move back to sit in the chair Jess once occupied. “Tell me about school until I fall asleep?”</p><p>And so Clay does, rattling off everything that happened throughout his day until Justin’s breathing evens out and he falls asleep.</p><p>
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</p><p>Each night Clay and Matt walk out of the hospital as visiting hours end, Clay rattles off a million questions he has.</p><p>Why isn’t Justin hitting his milestones quicker?</p><p>Can they give him more drugs that counteract the fact that it clearly hurts him to do anything the way he normally did?</p><p>Is Justin not motivated enough?</p><p>Why is he still on oxygen if his lungs are getting stronger?</p><p>When will he be able to come home?</p><p>Matt answers each question with ease, the answers coming in place of listening to music on the ride home. He reassures Clay repeatedly that Justin is doing well, that this is give and take with what his body needs, and that slowly but surely they’d begin to see progress. He’d spend their time at traffic lights watching his son, the one he first held 17 years ago and promised to always protect, twist his fingers together and press his head back against the seat, anxiety permeating to the surface that he’s managed to hide over the last few hours.</p><p>“Justin needs to go to therapy.”</p><p>The statement hangs in the balance for a moment as Matt pulls onto the back roads of their neighborhood, processing what his son had said. “What leads you to believe that?”</p><p>“He’s shutting down,” Clay says. It’s quick, to the point, very matter of fact. “He’s not telling us everything, he lied to Jess about how he was feeling so she would leave, and he got super emotional about me protecting him or whatever. I’m pretty sure he’s scared of Seth somehow finding him again.”</p><p>“Seth’s in jail, Clay,” Matt reminds him.</p><p>Clay shakes his head. “Seth has people. A… a team. Justin’s mentioned them by accident a long time ago. They would be sent after him, I think. I don’t know, he doesn’t — it’s hard to get him to talk about that part of his life. He always just says it’s fine, that they have no reason to come find him.”</p><p>“Understandably so,” Matt nods. “Your mom and I also think he’ll benefit from therapy as well, and we’ll discuss that with him. But Clay, you don’t have to worry about your safety or Justin’s safety. That’s for your mother and I to worry about.”</p><p>Clay doesn’t seem convinced, unbuckling his seatbelt when they pull into the driveway. “Justin can’t protect himself anymore. He — it’s going to take a long time before he’s back to normal.”</p><p>“It will,” Matt confirms. “He’s going to need a lot of help, especially when he’s released from the hospital. But his safety isn’t one of those places you’re going to have to help with. We were thinking more along the lines of you helping him upstairs, giving him his medication, encouraging him to do whatever physical therapy exercises they may give him, provided you’re nice about it.”</p><p>Clay laughs behind him, the two of them walking into the kitchen. “Justin does better with a little degrading.”</p><p>“Clay,” Matt warns gently, flipping on the light. “Have you been talking to Dr. Ellman about your concerns?”</p><p>Clay drops his backpack, sitting down at the table. “Yes, Dad, we’ve been talking about how Justin almost died and how I live with the fact that I should’ve protected him more almost every session.”</p><p>Matt’s eyebrows knit in concern. “Clay, do you believe that you should’ve protected him more?” he asks carefully. “Do you still think that you could’ve stopped this attack?”</p><p>Clay deflates, sinking into the kitchen chair. “I don’t know,” he admits. “I still wonder what would’ve happened if I stopped him before he could stab Justin, or if I stepped in just a little earlier, or -” he stops, shrugging. “I couldn’t have saved him.”</p><p>“There was nothing any of us could have done,” Matt reminds him. “It’s hard to come to terms with, Clay. I’ve been telling myself there had to be something I could have done. Something we could have noticed before it got to this. But this was unfortunate, and it happened where Justin should have been safe. There is nothing that any of us could have done to stop this, but you saved him.”</p><p>Clay nods, running his fingers through his hair. “I should go finish my homework,” he mumbles, pushing himself up from the table.</p><p>Matt nods, pulling Clay into his chest when he walks by. Clay welcomes the hug, strong arms grounding him and bringing him back to Earth. It brings Clay peace as well, the unwavering support being received on his end for a brief moment.</p><p>He pulls back, smiling at his dad. “I’ll be working on some lesson plans in my office if you need me,” he says, and Clay nods, making his way into the living room to finish the last of his homework.</p><p>When Matt comes upstairs to find Clay remaking Justin’s bed with clean sheets, neither he or Matt make a comment about it.</p><p>It just is, for whatever that’s meant to mean in the moment.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you for the comments/kudos! hope you're still enjoying :)</p><p>more will be up next Friday, and will move things along a little quicker :)</p><p>title of the chapter is from Greyhound by Ashton Irwin</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. it’s a long ways from feeling like the old days</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Justin has more visitors, Matt talks with a familiar face, and the family gets some exciting news.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Friday.</strong>
</p><p>When Charlie and Alex return to the hospital holding a milkshake they got approved for Justin, Clay’s almost positive it’s the happiest Justin’s been since waking up.</p><p>He sips slowly, minding Lainie’s gentle reminders that just because it’s a treat doesn’t mean it’ll digest any easier than anything else has, and leans his head back as if it’s the best thing to happen to him.</p><p>He waits until Matt and Lainie go to the waiting room to give the boys a chance to be alone before looking between Charlie and Alex. “I don’t know how you got them to agree to this, but it’s the best thing you could’ve ever brought,” he says quietly, pushing the straw through the milkshake, which was made thinner so it’s easier for Justin to swallow. “There were only so many protein shakes and applesauce jars and jello I could continue to eat.”</p><p>Alex smiles sitting down in a chair by Justin’s bed. “Milkshakes were the first thing I willingly drank once they let me start with food. I bargained with my mom, who put in a good word with your doctors that Charlie would make it extra smooth and not as thick as a normal milkshake.”</p><p>“I feel like I have to disclaim that there is protein powder in it, but that was only to sweeten the deal with Mrs. Standall so she’d talk to your nurses and doctors.”</p><p>Justin shrugs, taking another sip. “Honestly, it doesn’t taste like a protein shake, and that’s enough for me,” he admits, watching as Clay walks back to the table when he’s satisfied Justin seems to be fine.</p><p>Alex launches into updates on everyone from school and events he’s missed out on, Charlie talking about football and how much the team misses him.</p><p>“What plays will you run tonight? Think you can win?”</p><p>Charlie brightens, nodding. “Kerba and Coach Morris both think we have a chance to do really well tonight. We’re working on a few more running plays, mixing in some long passing plays.”</p><p>Justin nods. “Do some… some fakes. You have the legs for it, Charlie.”</p><p>Charlie laughs, nodding. “I’ll let Coach know you’d like some fake plays put in. I’m sure he’ll be up for it. He’s thinking we’re going to need a few trick plays anyway to really solidify the win.”</p><p>“Wait, don’t you have to be back for the game soon?”</p><p>Glancing at his phone, Charlie nods. “I told the coaches I was coming to see you, so they know that if I’m a few minutes late, this is why.”</p><p>“Don’t want you to be late,” Justin mumbles, looking at him. “Need you to go win for me.”</p><p>“I think that can be arranged,” Charlie smiles, reaching out his hand for Justin to high five.</p><p>Clay watches, amused. It’s the most alert Justin has been since he’s been admitted. He’s talking football like he hasn’t missed the last few weeks, joking with Charlie in ways that he hasn’t in a while, and it all feels normal.</p><p>Like maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Glimpses of the old Justin, without the pain and the worry and the monitors still attached to him were shining through.</p><p>Clay isn’t naive. He’s aware that coming home will bring a new set of challenges, a new pain management regime when he’s off the IV medications. Justin has a lot of trauma both physically and mentally, a lot of things to keep working on that won’t change when they leave here, but for the first time since the attack, Clay finally has some hope that things won't be as bad as he’s ingrained in his mind.</p><p>“I’m going to go find Mom. See if you have to have more protein shakes or a snack even though you’re having this.” The lie sounds awkward the minute it leaves his lips, but he refuses to look at Justin, instead standing up abruptly.</p><p>Justin watches Clay walk past them, holding off on telling him that he really doesn’t want to think about drinking another protein shake so soon after the milkshake, and lets him go find Lainie because he knows it’ll ease his mind.</p><p>Clay leaves quietly, shutting the door behind him, and finds his mom sitting in the waiting room working on briefs.</p><p>“Is everything okay, honey? Is Justin okay?”</p><p>“He’s fine,” Clay dismisses, sitting down in the seat opposite her. “He just… he seems normal. Why does he seem normal?”</p><p>Lainie looks back to her son, tilting her head. “What do you mean?”</p><p>“He’s joking about school with Alex, and he and Charlie are talking about plays they should run in the football game tonight. He’s like… he seems normal.”</p><p>Lainie smiles. “Clay, did you think he was going to be on those heavy medications forever?” she asks. “He’s being weaned off more things every day. He’s healing.”</p><p>“He’s still in pain.”</p><p>“Well, yes,” Lainie confirms. “But he’s doing better, and he’s unfortunately still on the narcotics, which do help a lot. I’m sure it also feels nice to have friends here who can talk to him about things we don’t understand or really have any interest in.”</p><p>“This won’t last, right?” Clay asks. “When we go home he won’t be this easy going.”</p><p>Lainie tips the lid of her laptop, smiling. “He probably won’t be, no,” She says. “But Clay, that’s not for you to worry about. Your father just went home to work with Aunt Evie on making sure the house is ready, we’re working with his doctors and the addiction team to make sure his pain is managed and we can begin getting him off the addictive medication, and we’re prepared to take any precaution necessary.”</p><p>Clay nods. “Dad says all I need to worry about is helping Justin when he needs it and being a positive influence for him.”</p><p>“And your dad is right,” Lainie confirms. “Leave the rest of the care to him and me, okay?”</p><p>Hesitant, Clay nods. “Can I bring Justin a snack? I told him I was going to ask if he had to have anything else.”</p><p>Amused, Lainie leans back in her chair. “Did he ask for a snack?”</p><p>“Not necessarily?”</p><p>“Then let’s wait,” she says. “He had a little bit of applesauce before you all got here, and now he has the milkshake. He’ll eat a little more once we give him a chance to digest and can be sure he’s doing okay.”</p><p>Clay nods, waiting a moment before returning back to Justin’s room.</p><p>Lainie lets them be for a while, finishing up the brief she had been working on the last few days, and when she returns down the hall and stops just outside Justin’s room, she’s never been so overjoyed to hear laughter from all four boys, taking it as a sign of things to come.</p><p>
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</p><p>Matt sits in the kitchen with Evie, finalizing plans with the cleaners to come over the weekend to deep clean in preparation for Justin coming home.</p><p>After sitting through Justin’s physical therapy and having a frank conversation with the therapists and doctors, Matt made the decision that putting a bed downstairs in his office for the time being was at least a safe option should they find that Justin wasn’t ready to navigate the steps daily to his own bed.</p><p>The boys' beds for the outhouse had been delivered early, and, after the cleaners deep cleaned the now open space where his sofa used to live, spends the afternoon with Evie’s help putting one of the beds together in his office.</p><p>Now, with Clay upstairs showering and Evie just finishing the last of the dishes from dinner, Matt has time to think about what’s going to happen the next few days. While they had been confined to reaching milestones and making new goals from a hospital room, everything was going to change when Justin was home. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous about it, saving his anxiety for when Clay is at school or with his friends.</p><p>“Has Justin said anything about coming home?” Evie looks to her brother-in-law, sitting down across from him at the table.</p><p>Matt sighs, a quick shake of the head. “We haven’t discussed coming home with him quite yet. We’ll meet with the doctors tomorrow to discuss a firm timeline, and we’re hoping that he can have the NG tube removed in the morning. Once we have that timeline, I’m sure he’ll have things to say about what he needs when he comes home.”</p><p>“How does Clay feel about it?”</p><p>Matt sighs, running his fingers through his hair. “He’s concerned about Justin’s pain and how we’re going to keep getting him to reach milestones when he’s home and there’s less incentives,” he says, looking back to his sister-in-law. “Juggling his mental health while also understanding what Justin needs and aiding his transition home to it goes as smoothly as possible is the one thing I’m worried about in all of this. We’ve worked so hard, I don’t want both of them to slip backwards with a huge change taking place.”</p><p>Evie nods, allowing the silence to mull between them for a moment. Taking a breath, she loosely braids the end of her hair. “Lainie told me Amber got in touch in the beginning?” she says quietly, watching Matt’s reaction. “Are you going to give her the time of day?”</p><p>“I’d rather not,” Matt admits, pulling his gaze from the bowl of fruit in the center of the table to look back at Evie. “But there’s something in me that thinks we could get more of an answer from Amber about why this happened. We have Seth’s testimony, which is great and it’s what’s going to be most important, but I think Amber had more to do with this than any of us realize. I can’t shake the feeling that I need to talk with her to know if she knows anything more than what we’ve already been given.”</p><p>“Are you going to tell Lainie?” Evie asks. She smiles when Matt looks visibly torn, reaching her hand over to rest on his arm. “If it were me, I don’t think I would,” she offers, which seems to bring Matt a semblance of peace.</p><p>He leans back, folding his hands together. “I want to tell her, I’m not interested in lying to my wife about where I am and who I’m meeting with. But if I tell her, she’ll be so against me wanting to meet with her, even if it’s just for closure.”</p><p>If there was anyone who was going to understand Matt’s point of view, it was Evie. One year his senior, Matt had always gotten along with Lainie’s older sister from the first time they met at a family dinner six months after he and Lainie started dating. She often took his side in lighthearted arguments, offering a different point of view for her sister as they attempted to convince her to agree.</p><p>This was much different, Matt is aware, but he thinks if anyone is going to understand his reasoning for wanting to meet with the biological mother of his son who has been fighting for his life for the last week and a half, it was going to be Evie.</p><p>“I say you go and don’t tell her. In this instance, it’s probably better to go meet with Amber and discuss with Lainie after. I think it’ll squash a lot of the arguments she would have, which would be justified.”</p><p>“I don’t like lying to my wife,” Matt reiterates, leaning his head in his hands. “But this is something we’ll never agree on. I think you're right, I’ll meet with her and talk to her after.”</p><p>Evie nods, rubbing her brother-in-law’s arm for comfort at his conclusion.</p><p>“Justin won’t want the bed where you put it,” Clay says, announcing his presence in the room as he moves to make himself hot chocolate. “He’s like, super picky about where things are placed.”</p><p>“Clay,” Matt smiles, laughing as he shakes his head. “That bed took me hours to put together. It’s staying where it is, and I don’t think Justin will mind. He may be picky about some things, but I’ve never heard him argue about a bed placement.”</p><p>Clay shrugs, pulling candy down from the cabinet and unwrapping it with ease. “He doesn’t always speak his mind with you and Mom,” he says. “I’m just going to warn you then that if he complains about it, you were made aware.”</p><p>Standing, Evie squeezes her nephew’s shoulder. “Let’s start thinking about a grocery list for Justin. Things you think he’d like to have that he can eat when he comes home,” she says, a distraction that’s proven to be helpful as Clay begins rattling off snacks he knows Justin can stomach and ones he thinks they’d be able to try, allowing Matt to go through his own list of what he’ll need to do to make sure Justin’s transition out of the hospital goes as smoothly as possible.</p><p>
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</p><p>
  <strong>Saturday.</strong>
</p><p>As far as tube removals go, removing the NG tube is much easier to stomach than the chest tube.</p><p>Justin complains of it feeling weird, but is offered water immediately while Olivia cleans off his nose and cheek of any tape residue that had been left from the tape changes over the last week. The oxygen is fixated back in his nose for now, Nate returning with a popsicle in hand and a smile on his face.</p><p>“You did great, most people need a few breaks when we remove the tube,” he says, checking Justin’s monitors. “We were giving you nausea medication through your NG tube, so you may feel the nausea more now than before. You need to tell us if you feel nauseous right away, okay?”</p><p>Justin nods, reaching for his water. “I’m okay right now.”</p><p>Nate smiles, readjusting the monitor on his finger and handing him the popsicle. “For being through the worst of the medical device removals. You’re going to laugh at how easy an IV removal is after having the chest tube and NG tube removed.”</p><p>Justin smiles, willingly taking the popsicle from his hands. “Can we talk about when I get to go home?” Justin asks.</p><p>He doesn’t miss the glance shared between Matt and Lainie, Nate keeping his focus on him. “Dr. Miller is going to come talk to you guys today after physical therapy, and Dr. Noel will be in this evening,” he says. “I don’t have a date for you, but I can tell you that if you tolerate eating off the NG tube, you’re very close to being able to leave here.”</p><p>Justin nods, taking another lick of his popsicle. “What about the oxygen?”</p><p>Moving to look at his charts, Nate smiles. “You’re really close to being weaned off of it. I think your physical therapy goal today will be working to walk without the oxygen, and then you’ll continue working from there.”</p><p>“Justin, honey, if you still need oxygen when you’re otherwise ready to go home, we’ll bring it home with us. You don’t have to worry about that,” Lainie promises, earning a nod from Justin.</p><p>“Finish that popsicle and then maybe we try some walking?” Nate entices. Justin rolls his eyes, nodding. “You can be annoyed at me all you want. But we’re close to being able to write your next goal as going home, and that’s a monumental day.”</p><p>“Okay,” Justin nods. “I can work really hard so I can go home.”</p><p>Nate smiles. “Not too hard, remember you’re still recovering from some major injuries and operation,” he reminds him, writing new goals on his board about going on trials without oxygen and walking more before he leaves the room, leaving Matt and Lainie to supervise the rest of his treat.</p><p>“Clay’s on his way,” Matt announces, sitting down on the edge of Justin’s bed with a paper towel as Justin eats the popsicle. “He’s sorry he missed you getting the NG tube removed, but I told him you did well.”</p><p>Pressing his head into the pillows, Justin nods. “He’s with Aunt Evie?”</p><p>“He’s with Tyler and Tony,” Matt corrects gently, smiling when Justin reaches for the paper towel. “Aunt Evie is checking in with her kids back home, she’ll be up to visit later.”</p><p>Nodding, Justin finishes the last of the popsicle, handing Matt the stick and shifting in bed, getting comfortable. “A little rest, and then I’ll walk,” he compromises, and Matt gives in as easily as he did when Clay was a child asking for more playtime before he had to go to bed.</p><p>
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</p><p>Matt agrees to meet Amber at the diner on the outskirts of Evergreen.</p><p>A small establishment known for its cheap meals and outdated, if not nostalgic, decor, Matt couldn’t remember the last time he stepped foot in here.</p><p>He also doesn’t know the last time he saw Amber, who walks in wearing a t-shirt that looks too large for her and jeans that cling to her hips, showcasing her frail figure. She slides into the bench across from Matt in the booth, eyes trained to the table. Matt notices the track marks dotting her arms, swallowing the sick feeling in his stomach as he peers over his menu.</p><p>“Thank you for taking the time to meet with me, Amber,” he says stoically. “I hope you got here safely.”</p><p>For a moment, Amber just blinks at him. Matt’s startled, noticing the many features that Justin shares with her, like their striking jawline and baby blue eyes. Leaning back, she scratches at her arm lazily.</p><p>“Is Justin alive?”</p><p>Matt sucks in a breath, setting the sticky menu down to look at her. “Yes, Justin is alive,” he provides, folding his hands together. “He’s still in the hospital, but we’re making plans to bring him home soon.”</p><p>Amber nods. “You won’t let him see me.”</p><p>“We gave Justin the decision if he wants to see you or not,” Matt says gently. He tries to put himself in her shoes, the heartbreak she must be feeling over her son no longer being part of her family, and her boyfriend, no matter how horrible he was, being ripped away from her because of the attack he landed on Justin.</p><p>Amber’s gaze shifts back to the table, her fingers folding together tightly. “That’s why Seth did what he did, you know,” she says quietly. “I was so sick of receiving no for an answer when I asked to see him. He comes back from wherever he was and all of a sudden he doesn’t want to see me anymore?”</p><p>“He got your fucking rich family, and suddenly he’s too good for us. Can’t even come see his own mama, not even when she asks.”</p><p>“Amber,” Matt sighs, resisting the urge to lash out on a woman who’s clearly feeling abandoned. “We discussed at length with Justin about visitation with you and what it could look like. Justin didn’t feel like he was in the right place to see you, at least not right now.”</p><p>He waits a brief moment, mindful of the other patrons eating their meals around them. “Is this why Seth attacked Justin? Because he wouldn’t see you?”</p><p>Amber’s eyes narrow. “It was the last straw. He’s been back two years and can’t bother to see his mama. Can’t even give her money when she asks for it. He’s ignored me because he has this fancy lifestyle with your family. He’s too good for me now.”</p><p>“Did you tell Seth to attack Justin?”</p><p>Hesitating, Amber drops her head once more. “I told him I didn’t care what happened,” she says softly. “I didn’t… I never thought he’d do what he did. But I was angry, and no one seems to fucking care what I wanted. Once again, my son was selfish to his own needs.”</p><p>Matt composes himself, folding the menu with care and grabbing his coat. “Amber, Justin was given the opportunity to see you, no questions asked. We would love for him to have a relationship with his biological mother, we know how much you mean to him. But in this moment, Justin didn’t feel ready to speak to you. We are not going to force him to do something he doesn’t feel comfortable doing.”</p><p>Standing, Matt leaves enough money on the table for Amber to eat a full meal. “I hope you stay and eat something substantial. I’ll be returning to the hospital now, where Justin is recovering from major injuries as a result of your boyfriend’s actions. I ask that you don’t contact us to see Justin in the future. If he ever wants to see you, we’ll contact you.”</p><p>He leaves before she can reply, watching through the window as she orders something to drink and looks through the menu, not at all phased by the conversation she just had with him.</p><p>
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</p><p>Clay opens the door to Justin’s hospital room just in time to see him empty the contents of his stomach into a bin Lainie was holding.</p><p>“Fuck, Justin. Come on,” he groans, squeezing his eyes shut and turning back to face Matt, who had returned with him.</p><p>“Jesus, Jensen. It’s just the meds,” Justin smirks, pressing the washcloth back to his forehead. “Besides, I’ve literally puked on you before. At least I’m doing it here this time.”</p><p>“You’re not supposed to be puking at all,” Clay counters. He sinks into his normal chair, dropping his bag next to him. “Doesn’t it hurt?”</p><p>Justin rolls his eyes, tipping his head back against the pillow. “Yes. It’s not the most fun thing I’ve done,” he mumbles, looking at him. “They gave me meds to stop it. They told me the tube doesn’t have to go back in, and I don’t have to worry. You shouldn’t worry either.”</p><p>Clay narrows his eyes, groaning when Justin gags. He pushes the basin up to his brother’s chin, and then only finds minimal relief when the wave of nausea passes and Justin gives him a proud smile, setting the basin on the table.</p><p>Lainie moves back to her husband, pressing a kiss to his lips softly. “How was your afternoon?”</p><p>“Fine,” Matt dismisses. “Why didn’t you call me about this? He was doing well when I left this morning, I thought it would be smooth sailing for the rest of the day.”</p><p>“He tried broth again, then ate some applesauce and a jello. We were proud he seemed so eager, he was doing well, and then he felt sick,” Lainie explains. “I figured you were busy cleaning when the nausea began, and I didn’t think this was an emergency. I still don’t.”</p><p>Matt nods, watching his sons talk quietly. “Did he have a good day otherwise?”</p><p>“A great day,” Lainie confirms. “He got up and walked a few times, we walked up and down the hallway holding only his IV pole and with no oxygen. Dr. Ellman stopped by and they talked for a little while, and Max had him up and walking off the oxygen again while also learning to walk with a cane and not supported by the IV pole on the other side, just in case he needs the can when we’re home. This is hour three with no oxygen support.”</p><p>Those facts are tangible, and bring Matt some relief. He’s aware that this is recovery is give and take, good days and bad days, but the roller coaster of changes they were experiencing hour to hour is proving to be harder than he expected.</p><p>“So when did the vomiting start?”</p><p>Sitting down at the table, Lainie glances back to Justin to make sure he’s okay. “He’s been throwing up off and on for the better part of the afternoon,” she sighs. “His temperature is slightly elevated as well.”</p><p>“Another infection,” Matt breathes, eyes clouded in concern. He watches Clay dote over his brother, dipping the washcloth in the cool water and placing it back on his head, and sighs.</p><p>“Not necessarily,” Lainie offers. “His white blood cell count came back relatively elevated, but the other infection is still lingering. Dr. Miller doesn’t think a secondary infection is a concern here, or his white blood cell count would be higher.”</p><p>“So then what is our concern?”</p><p>Lainie chews on her lip, biting back a smile. “Justin is pushing himself to do too much too quickly.”</p><p>Matt looks amused, furrowing his eyebrows. “I’m sorry, what?”</p><p>Lainie laughs, shaking her head. “You know Justin asked when he’d be able to go home. Later, after you left, Nate said they could say within the next few days. It’s a goal on his chart now,” she informs her husband, gesturing to the whiteboard in the room. “Dr. Miller thinks Justin got too eager to leave the hospital, and in the process he’s been pushing himself to prove that he’ll be okay when we’re not here.”</p><p>Matt leans back in the chair. “How are we battling that?”</p><p>“I’ve already declined four walks this afternoon. The fourth time he asked and got denied, he bargained to just sit in the chair. His wish was granted by the nurses,” she smiles. “His physical therapy sessions will be shortened purely because he asks to do too much. They’re worried about his stamina, and also how he’ll do when he’s off the IV pain medications. They’re worried that we’re going down a path where when things stall and he’s off the pain medication in his IV, he’ll get discouraged and his mental health will plummet. Pushing himself can lead to exerting too much energy, which could lead to another seizure since his brain is still vulnerable. It’s a domino effect for him.”</p><p>“So they think this is temporary?” Matt asks. “They think that when we bring him home, he’ll calm down.”</p><p>Lainie nods. “Essentially, yes.” She turns back to her boys, and then back to her husband. “They’re expecting an increase in pain when we bring him home. They’re also worried about flu season. Justin is more susceptible because of the infection and the fact that his body is recovering from so many injuries at once. He’ll get the flu shot before he leaves, and we’ll need to get it as well. We have to be diligent about keeping surfaces clean and washing our hands, especially if we leave the house. Clay is going to be the most difficult part of this since we’re allowing him to go to school.”</p><p>She takes a breath. “They’re anticipating that getting up to go for walks or eat something will go back to needing incentives to get done. Max mentioned a goals chart. They’re finding that Justin responds to incentives, which, for as childish as it sounds, may need to happen for him to keep this momentum steady when we leave here.”</p><p>Matt nods, brain scrambling again. “Do we have a firm date on when that is? I know they told Justin a few days, but have they told you anything else?”</p><p>Lainie shakes her head, grabbing her phone. “Dr. Miller will stop by on this evening’s rounds before shift change, and Dr. Noel will be here later. Dr. Miller said she’ll talk then about discharge and what it could look like, and after reading reports from the nurses who have been monitoring Justin this afternoon, may be able to give a tentative date for release.”</p><p>Matt pulls out his phone, staring at the calendar. The days have blurred together since Justin’s assault, and for a moment, he has to adjust to the fact that it’s been 12 days since they’ve been in the hospital.</p><p>Twelve long days of touch and go symptoms, of progress and setbacks. Infections, a seizure, smiles, good days and bad days. Most days it didn’t feel like they’d ever get a going home date. Their home had been split in two, Lainie and Justin making their new home the hospital, while he and Clay juggled their lives between the hospital and home.</p><p>“We could theoretically all be home by early next week,” he says idly, staring at his calendar. “The house is close to being ready, but I feel like we need to do more.”</p><p>Lainie nods. “We had the house deep cleaned, you’ve set up the bed. Honestly, I’m okay with that being more than enough, at least for right now.”</p><p>“Of course,” Matt agrees. “We can discuss what else we need, too,” he offers. He and Lainie pour their attention into their lists, grateful that the boys seem to be getting along and smiling with each other, and only pause when Dr. Miller arrives, shaking both his and Lainie’s hands.</p><p>“I know your afternoon hasn’t been great,” she begins, looking over Justin’s chart as she stands at the end of the bed. “How is your nausea now?”</p><p>“Better,” Justin nods. He sets the washcloth back in the basin, looking back at Dr. Miller. “The medicine helped.”</p><p>Dr. Miller nods, smiling. “Your vitals have leveled out, and as unfortunate as it is, the vomiting wasn’t unexpected given that we were giving you medication for nausea through that tube. I’m not worried about it as of yet, but if it continues, we’re going to have to explore reinserting your NG tube.”</p><p>Justin frowns, chewing on his lips as he nods. “Do I stay in the hospital longer if it has to be put back in?”</p><p>“You do not,” she smiles. “In fact, I have some news about your discharge.”</p><p>Justin shifts, hand moving to rest just beside Clay’s on the bed. Clay flips his hand over, allowing his brother to tap his palm with his own fingers when he notices the anxiousness slowly beginning to bubble to the surface in Justin.</p><p>“I’ve met with your various therapists and spoke to Dr. Noel and the nurses, and we all are in agreement that you are making some incredible progress,” He says, folding his hands in his lap. “It’s a requirement that we keep you a day or two post NG tube removal given the nature of your injuries and the fact that you’re having a little bit of a hard time. Your belly has sustained a lot of damage, and we want to be sure that you’re able to digest food and keep it down before we explore releasing you.”</p><p>“So when could that be?”</p><p>Dr. Miller laughs. “If all goes well, you will be discharged with a recovery plan to work on at home this Monday.”</p><p>Monday. Two more days.</p><p>Justin’s face lights up, the largest smile they’ve seen from him since the admission plastered on his face.</p><p>Lainie feels fireworks in her stomach, relief washing over her as her shoulders relax and she tries to control her emotions.</p><p>“There will be a lot of modifications for you at home. Your recovery may slow as you’ll be off all IV pain medications and onto an oral pain medication, but patients tend to have more incentives to work hard when they’re at home. Being in your own bed will certainly help.”</p><p>Justin nods, smiling. “Okay, yeah.”</p><p>“You also need to take it easy while you’re still here,” she continues, giving him a pointed stare. “I heard we had a hard time keeping you still today.”</p><p>Justin’s cheeks flush as he sinks back into the pillow. “I just want to get better. To feel normal.”</p><p>“And you will,” she promises. “But Justin, working too hard in physical therapy or pushing your body harder than it’s ready for can have adverse reactions, especially when it comes to letting your muscles repair themselves in your belly. I suspect it’s also part of the reason you feel so nauseous.”</p><p>“Okay,” Justin nods. “I’ll go slower.”</p><p>Satisfied, Dr. Miller smiles and stands back up. “Dr. Noel is just in the room next door. I think you’ll like the news he brings as well,” she says, excusing herself from the room after Matt and Lainie thank her.</p><p>Dr. Noel arrives a few minutes later, shaking all of their hands and smiling. “I heard you were a little dizzy today,” he begins, folding his hands together. “How are you feeling?”</p><p>“Okay,” Justin shrugs. “It just feels a little weird.”</p><p>“That’s normal as you’re recovering,” he explains, encouraging words calming all of them.</p><p>“I know Dr. Miller discussed with you a discharge plan,” he starts, looking directly at Justin. “She and I have spoken extensively about what it would mean for you to be discharged from the hospital and recover at home.”</p><p>He takes a breath, sitting up straighter. “I’m willing to sign off on you being discharged into your parents' care and back home if you promise me a few things.”</p><p>“Okay,” Justin shifts, wincing.</p><p>“Therapy will be intense, and it will be multiple times a week. You need to keep following the exercises they give you for your brain, whether they come to the house or you come back to the rehabilitation facility. You’ll also be on medication. I know your parents will help with this, but I need you to take that as instructed, no missing dosages or not taking just because you’re feeling good that day.”</p><p>“I can do that,” Justin nods.</p><p>“I have one more piece of good news for you,” he smiles, setting Justin’s chart back in the folder. “Your CT scan came back with an improvement with the bleeding, and your headaches haven’t been as severe. If you’d like, you can watch something with your brother tonight before he leaves,” he says. “We’ll ease back into screen time, but a short period of time is a good first step.”</p><p>Lainie and Matt both thank Dr. Cooper, and when they turn back to find Clay digging his laptop out of his bag and the two of them deciding on a movie, Lainie decides this is the happiest they’ve been in a long time.</p><p>After some maneuvering, Clay moves to lay in bed with Justin, setting the laptop on the table in front of them. Justin manages broth and keeps it down for dinner while Clay eats a sandwich, and when Justin falls asleep on Clay’s shoulder halfway through the show they chose, Clay doesn’t argue or get annoyed when Lainie snaps a few photos of the two of them.</p><p>He leans his cheek against his brother’s head, listening to the breathing and focusing on the monitor lighting Justin’s finger red, just as it has been since the first time he saw him.</p><p>In two days, they could do this at home. No more monitors, no more hospital beds or nurses checking in on them every hour. Just he and Justin back home with their parents, focusing completely on Justin’s recovery.</p><p>He couldn’t wait.</p><p>
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  <strong>Sunday.</strong>
</p><p>Zach walks through the door with a smile on his face and a smoothie in hand, laughing when Justin accepts it eagerly from where he’s sitting in the chair.</p><p>“Charlie told me he and Alex brought you a milkshake, but my theory is if I’m subjected to smoothies and healthy eating for Coach Patrick, it’s only fair that my co-captain be subjected to the same,” he smirks, cheers-ing their smoothies before taking a sip of his own. “I heard you’re breaking out of here tomorrow.”</p><p>“Which is why I’m surprised you came back,” Justin smiles. “And am I really considered co-captain still?”</p><p>Zach furrows his brow. “Why wouldn’t you be?” he asks, shaking his head. “Because you haven’t been with us at the games or practices?”</p><p>Justin picks at the blanket on his lap. “Or because my football career is over?” he tries, looking up. “You do realize there’s no way in hell I’m getting cleared to play before the season is over.”</p><p>“Who gives a fuck?” Zach asks, leaning forward. “The guys consider you their captain. They debated on making you a card for three hours, which I just now realized I left in Kerba’s office, so they’ll give me shit for that when they realize,” he smirks. “They have your jersey hanging up in the locker room, and we bring it with us to all the games. You’re not any less a part of this team just because you can’t physically be there.”</p><p>Justin shifts, nodding. “I won’t be able to come this Friday, but maybe we can FaceTime? I was allowed to watch a show last night, so I should be allowed to talk with the guys on Friday.”</p><p>Zach smiles, nudging Justin’s smoothie so he takes a sip. “Perfect. I’ll clear it with Kerba, but he’s not going to care, you know. He’ll be happy that you want to talk to the guys. He’s asked about coming to see you.”</p><p>“He has?”</p><p>Zach nods. “He thought maybe it’d be overwhelming for you if he came to the hospital. Ani didn’t exactly censor her words when she talked about how you were feeling with the headaches and tubes and stuff.”</p><p>Justin winces, smiling. “When I’m home, he can come see me. I’m doing better.”</p><p>“You definitely are,” Zach agrees. “I mean fuck, I just noticed you don’t have oxygen on. And you’re sitting up, and Matt, Lainie and Clay left me in here alone. Normally Clay hovers when we come to visit.”</p><p>Zach, who had been keenly aware of Justin’s ability to hide how he’s feeling, leans forward. He studies his friend, who’s focusing on his breathing and sipping his smoothie with such ease and care that he worries Justin’s trying to push himself too much, even then.</p><p>Taking a breath, he asks the question that’s been lingering on his mind since the attack. “When you don’t feel well, you tell at least Lainie, right? You’re not trying to be brave or stoic or whatever?”</p><p>The sigh that Justin emits does nothing to ease his mind. Justin twirls his straw through his smoothie, staring. “I tell Lainie most of the time,” he admits. “I just… I don’t always say how bad it is.”</p><p>“Justin -”</p><p>“She just gets so worried, you know? And I know she’s losing sleep over me, but I don’t want her to. I just want to be home so she can sleep in her own bed and not have to worry about me.”</p><p>Pushing his toe gently against Justin’s sock covered foot, Zach sighs. “You know that won’t change when you go home, right?” he asks gently. Justin’s upbringing was rocky from an optimists point of view, but Zach knows there’s more beneath what Justin hasn’t said. “I know you’ve never really had this before, but Lainie is always going to worry about you, even when you’re completely recovered. She worries about Clay, too. You need to let her worry. You need to tell her when you feel sick or it hurts or if it’s hard to breathe so she can help you. It’s okay to lean on people when you need them most, especially when you’re feeling like this.”</p><p>Justin shakes his head, chewing on his lip. “It’s hard for me. To be honest, to let them in. I just… I’m causing so much trouble already.”</p><p>“You’re not,” Zach replies firmly, pulling his chair closer to Justin. “If I have to drill it into you, I will. You are not causing trouble for them. You are not annoying them or putting them out. In fact, you’re putting them out by not just being honest about your pain. They want to help, Justin. You’re their son, and if you’re suffering, they’ll never forgive themselves.”</p><p>Zach isn’t expecting Justin to reach his hand out, fingers gripping his hand roughly. “You’re the only one that knows. About what it was like before the adoption. I haven’t even told Clay, I - Zach,” Justin breathes, his voice strained.</p><p>“I know,” Zach replies, squeezing gently. “And I get why this is hard for you. But I don’t want to see you suffer or be brave just so you can feel like you’re not bothering somebody.”</p><p>“You can be honest with time. You can tell Lainie that you’ve never been cared for like this, but you’re doing your best. She understands you needing time. She’s proud of the progress you made. She just wants to help. They all do.”</p><p>Justin nods, taking another sip of his smoothie. “I’ll try,” he promises, and that alone feels like enough for Zach, who holds his hand and nods until Justin lets go, sinking back in the chair.</p><p>With the permission of his nurses, together the two of them watch tape from the Friday before, Justin points out tips for Zach to tell Charlie to work on blocks and avoiding hits, and for as exciting as the last few days have been, this is what makes Justin feel the most normal.</p><p>
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    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>Ironically, the last time Matt was this nervous was 17 years ago in this hospital when he held Clay in his arms for the first time.</p><p>Clay sat hunched over his phone in the waiting room while Zach visited, typing furiously and looking at social media after spending most of the day huddled by Justin’s bed forcing him to work on his physical therapy.</p><p>Matt knew he’d feel better if he just got the words off his chest. Lainie would be upset, yes, but he’s hoping he can get her to understand her side.</p><p>“I went to see Amber yesterday,” he says quietly, twisting his wedding ring around his finger. “I know you’ll be upset about this. And we should have discussed this before I went, but I couldn’t help but shake the feeling that she knew more than what even Seth had given us. I couldn’t help but feel like maybe there was something more we could’ve gotten from her, and my mind wouldn’t rest.”</p><p>For a moment, Lainie is silent. She twists her engagement ring around her finger, the sleeves of the cardigan she had been wearing pulled over her hands. Staring straight ahead, Matt just wishes she would say something.</p><p>“You shouldn’t have seen her,” she whispers, letting her hands fall to her lap. “But what did she say?”</p><p>Matt blows out a breath. “She said she didn’t care what happened to Justin because she was distraught that he abandoned her, and then refused to see her when he returned from Oakland.”</p><p>Lainie stiffens, hand searching for her husband’s. “She knew this was going to happen?”</p><p>“I don’t know if she knew the extent. She says she didn’t anyway,” he replies. “But she knew that Seth was going to do something.”</p><p>For a moment, there’s almost a glimmer of hope behind Lainie’s eyes when she turns to look at her husband. She squeezes his hand, interlacing their fingers together as she turns to face him. “Do you know what this means?” she asks, shaking her head. “If she really did know, she could be charged for being an accomplice.”</p><p>Matt blinks, bewildered. A few minutes prior, his wife was upset with him for going behind her back. Now, she almost looks hopeful at the news. “I’m not sure I’m following, Lainie,” he says softly. “How could they charge her?”</p><p>“There’s a law in California that declares if she knew about the crime he was going to commit, she can be charged with aiding and abetting,” she explains furiously, pulling her phone from her bag. “I’m going to call Marcus, let him know and see if we can at least bring her in for questioning.”</p><p>She stands, walking down the hall to a quieter part of the hospital before Matt has a chance to reply. Clay looks over, questioning, and Matt shrugs.</p><p>“She got a work call. She just wants to check in and make sure everything is okay,” he covers, which seems to be enough as Clay nods and shifts his attention back to his phone.</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>There are moments where Lainie appreciates her sister being there with them more than others.</p><p>Like when she took charge in having the house deep cleaned, or organizing the kitchen and medicine cabinet to accommodate all of Justin’s medications they'd be bringing home.</p><p>Or like now, when she offers to take Clay to get take out for dinner so Justin can have a milkshake to celebrate the last night of being in the hospital, giving her and Matt an opportunity to speak to Justin about his pain medication and medical records.</p><p>“Before we bring you home tomorrow, your mom and I want to talk to you about your pain management and medical records,” Matt begins, taking a seat in the chair by his son’s bed. “Do you feel okay talking about this right now?”</p><p>Justin reaches for his jello, nodding.</p><p>Lainie nudges the cup towards him, allowing him to grab it before she speaks. “Justin, your pain is currently being managed by narcotics, and will continue to be when we get home for the time being,” she begins. Sensing his anxiety, Lainie reaches out to rest her hand on his arm. “We’re in contact with addiction specialists, who are helping us begin the process of getting you onto less addictive medication. This does not affect your sobriety. Being on this medication was necessary for your health.”</p><p>Justin takes a breath, holding his jello in his hands. “I want to come off all of it when I get out of here. When the IV comes out, I want to switch to safe medication, like Tylenol or Motrin or something.”</p><p>“Justin,” Lainie sighs, looking helplessly to her husband.</p><p>“Buddy, taking you off all at once has adverse reactions,” Matt finishes for her. “We understand your worry about being on the medication, but we don’t want you to be in more pain or be more uncomfortable if we can help it.”</p><p>“We will meet with the addiction counselors with you, okay? We will come up with a plan that gets you off of these medications as quickly and as safely as possible, but we are not doing it faster at the expense of your health.” Lainie rubs Justin’s arm slowly, allowing him to process the information.</p><p>Justin pushes the jello roughly into Lainie’s hand, curling in on himself. “Why didn’t you ask them not to use narcotics? Did they know I’m an addict? I shouldn’t - I can’t be on these. Please, please make them take me off them.”</p><p>“Take a breath,” Lainie soothes. She retracts her hand, folding them in her lap. “Love, our first priority is keeping you comfortable. If that means using narcotics, then that’s what we’re going to do. They know you were an addict, and they’ve been lowering dosages on your pain medication as quickly as they can. But if it becomes too much, then we’re going to stop and wait until your body can handle it.”</p><p>For a while, Justin doesn’t say anything. His fingers hold his IV line, dancing along the tubing as he sighs. “Do you promise I’ll be off them as fast as I can handle it? And being on them won’t affect my sobriety?”</p><p>Reaching back once more, Lainie takes his hand. “I promise you that you will be off them as soon as possible, and it does not affect your sobriety,” she assures him. “We’re going to keep the medication locked away, and Matt or I will distribute it to you. And, when you’re feeling a little better, you can meet with your sponsor to talk about the medication and get an understanding of how it doesn’t affect your sobriety.”</p><p>Lainie watches the information sink in on her son’s face. While this conversation had been something she was dreading, she knew it was necessary to make sure everyone was on the same page. Justin sighs, picking at his blanket until he nods, looking up. “Okay, I think it’s okay then,” he decides, sighing. “Didn’t you say there was something else to talk about?”</p><p>Matt wants to lie and say no. He wants to stop the conversation they’re having, give Justin another blanket and shut the lights off, allowing him to sleep for as long as he wants while they pack up the room. He watches his son sink further, the strength of holding his own weight becoming too much. It’s a stark reminder of what’s transpired over the last few weeks, a reminder of a time when Justin couldn’t breathe on his own.</p><p>The bruise just under his eye has turned a yellow color, a sign of healing. The discomfort has slowly gotten better, Justin has made immense progress in his physical therapy and mental health, but there’s still a long way to go. They have a laundry list of appointments and therapy, and Justin’s memory is still a work in progress. Going home may complicate things, but the relief that flows through Matt when he thinks about his family all being under one roof outweighs the worry he has that they won’t be able to keep Justin comfortable or he’ll experience setbacks.</p><p>Lainie, understanding the need to continue this conversation now while Clay is gone, presses on. “If you feel okay, then yes, there’s one more thing we’d like to talk about.”</p><p>She waits for Justin’s affirmation that he’s ready, her patience eviden through her body language, before she speaks. “When Seth was arrested, they began collecting statements and any evidence they could,” she begins. “They asked if we would send your medical records as proof of the injuries that you sustained at the hands of him in this accident in hopes it would give the courts more incentive to up the charges. We haven’t sent them yet because we wanted you to make the decision on if you want your medical records out in the public.”</p><p>Justin flexes his toes, shifting and sinking further down against the mattress, the pillow he uses as support for his side pulled tight against him. “What would be sent?”</p><p>“If you agree, we would send the reports from the first night. The collapsed lung, stab wounds, surgery and brain bleed would all be detailed. They would also note that you needed a chest tube and NG tube to stabilize your injuries and recovery. The courts would be made aware that you were on a ventilator and kept in a medically induced coma for the first 24 hours, and that you were hospitalized for two weeks as a direct result of these injuries,” she says evenly, looking for any signs of emotion on his face.</p><p>Justin’s silent for a while, opening his mouth and shutting it a number of times before he looks back to both of them. “What happens if I don’t want to send them? Does he get a lesser sentence because we can’t prove he hurt me at all?”</p><p>“Absolutely not,” Matt chimes in, moving to the edge of his chair. “Kiddo, there were witnesses who provided more than enough in their statements to ensure that he’s charged excessively. Your medical records just serve as hard evidence, a way for the courts to understand how severe the attack was. We have no way of knowing how much they’ll truly help in getting him a longer sentence.”</p><p>Nodding, Justin pushes the pillow against his side. Lainie hesitates, teetering on the edge of stepping in when she worries he’s pushing too hard to get it to hurt, and stops when he looks back at her. “Can I think about it?” he asks. “And can I give a statement?”</p><p>Lainie smiles. “You can have as much time as you need to think about it,” she promises. “And as for giving a statement, do you remember the attack, or anything about it that you think would be able to help?”</p><p>Faltering, Justin shakes his head. “No, but I remember the abuse from when I lived with him. Would it help to talk about that?”</p><p>“It might,” Lainie nods. “We can talk to the lawyers and ask if it would help to have you talk about the lingering abuse prior to this.”</p><p>“Okay,” Justin nods. “My head hurts.”</p><p>Matt stands, returning with a cool washcloth to drape over Justin’s eyes and forehead. “That should help,” he whispers, dimming the lights surrounding the bed as Lainie pulls the curtains shut. “Just get some sleep. Let your body relax.”</p><p>Matt sits back down, and when Justin nods and turns his hand over for Matt to hold, he doesn’t hesitate, holding Justin’s hand until he slowly drifts off to sleep.</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>The professional cleaners Evie hired and oversaw that afternoon back at the house did such an immaculate job that for the first hour of being home for the night Matt is too afraid to touch anything.</p><p>Clay’s the one who initiates the rest of the cleaning, dropping the bag of some of the things from the hospital by the washer, carefully pulling them out of the bag. “Mom asked us to wash all of this, and then make sure the stairs are clear so Justin can get upstairs when he needs to.”</p><p>Matt nods, watching his son for a moment before turning back to the kitchen, pushing in the chairs and making sure there was enough room for Justin when he needs to get by.</p><p>“I made sure the cleaners knew that Justin would need as much space to walk as possible as he may be using a cane, or at the very least he’d be skeptical on his feet,” Evie offers, pulling sheets from the linen closet in the laundry room. “Clay, do you want to make up the bed downstairs for Justin?”</p><p>Clay pauses, looking back at his dad. “How long will he have to sleep downstairs?”</p><p>Matt turns, idly wiping off the counter despite being the cleanest they’ve been since being installed. “We’re not sure,” he sighs. “If he can get upstairs, he can sleep up in his own bed on his first night home. This is a safety net, or a place he can nap during the day,” he reminds him.</p><p>Clay nods, accepting the sheets from Evie. “When the outhouse is done in a few weeks, will he be able to move into it with me?”</p><p>Matt allows himself to sigh, an unsure glance casted to his son. “That’s the hope, but Clay, it’s probably not likely he’ll be able to be in there with you right away,” he decides. “He’s going to need a lot of help, and while we know you can provide it, the walk between the outhouse and here is pretty far and includes steps outside. So, when he gets a little stronger, we can revisit moving him out there as well.”</p><p>Clay nods, turning towards Matt’s office.</p><p>“Did you want to stay in here until Justin can move out?” Matt asks, appearing in the doorway of his office as Clay puts the sheets on the bed, Evie taking over the laundry.</p><p>He watches Clay pull the fitted sheet over the edges of the mattress, walking around to the other side of the bed. “Justin doesn’t want me to.”</p><p>“Did he tell you that?”</p><p>“Basically,” he shrugs. “It’s not a big deal. I’ll move into the outhouse when it’s done.”</p><p>Matt steps forward, unfolding the main sheet. “Clay, Justin doesn’t get to make decisions for you,” he reminds him, biting back a smile. “If you’d like to sleep in the house while Justin does, that’s perfectly fine. And if Justin has a problem with you wanting to sleep near him if you’re not in your room, then you can stay down here.”</p><p>Pulling the comforter up, Clay turns back. “I’ll think about it,” he decides. “But for now, you can assume that I’m going to move to the outhouse.”</p><p>Matt nods, resigning to agreement, and moves to clear the stairs.</p><p>In the process of making sure everything was suitable in the house, Matt and Lainie had installed a temporary grab bar in the shower. They both were aware that Justin would argue, insisting that he doesn’t need it, but for Lainie’s peace of mind and Carolyn Standall’s backup, they went ahead and did it.</p><p>Clay already complained. “I’ll bet you anything Justin refuses to use it.”</p><p>“It’s there for an emergency,” Matt argues, standing in the shower and double checking it’s stable before turning back to his oldest. “Justin can complain about it all he wants, but he’s going to be weak and unsteady, and we don’t want him to have an injury when he’s showering.”</p><p>Clay shrugs, leaning against the door. “I’m just saying.”</p><p>Smiling, Matt steps out of the shower. “Go put your shoes on. You and I have to go to the store and get a few more things for Justin.”</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>Lainie sits cross-legged at the foot of the bed facing Justin, feet curled underneath her as they eat a snack together.</p><p>It’s the most alert Justin’s been this late at night, spooning the jello carefully into his mouth, the protein shake taunting him.</p><p>“You don’t have to finish that,” Lainie smiles when she catches him staring, Justin blushing as he nods. “You had enough today, I’m okay with us tabling this attempt.”</p><p>“So, are you excited to come home tomorrow? We’ve been here so long,” she says idly, finishing the last of her piece of pumpkin bread.</p><p>Justin shrugs, taking another bite. He lets it dissolve, and then swallows. A process he can’t let go of. “I’m nervous about the pain. And my head hurting a lot when we’re home.”</p><p>"That’s understandable,” Lainie nods. “But we’ve spoken extensively with the doctors and the addiction counselors, and we have the plan ready to help manage your pain at home.”</p><p>“What if it hurts a lot?”</p><p>“We have a backup plan ready to go in the event that our first plan isn’t enough. Our main goal is to keep you comfortable,” Lainie promises. She wipes her hands off on a napkin, reaching over to rest her hand on Justin’s arm. “Justin, honey, I want you to be completely honest with us at all times when we’re home. If not all of us, then at least one of us.”</p><p>Justin nods. “It can’t be Clay.”</p><p>Lainie tries to mask the relief that washes over her. “It can be whoever you want it to be.”</p><p>Chewing on his lip, Justin reaches up to rub the raw skin from where the NG tube had been taped. “I want it to be you,” he says after careful consideration, looking up. “And if you’re not there, then I can tell Matt.”</p><p>“That sounds perfect,” Lainie nods. “I will be there if you need me, but in the event I’m at work or away from the house, Matt will be there. You won’t be at home without at least one of us for a while.”</p><p>Nodding once more, Justin sinks back against the pillows. “Am I going to be able to walk around the house?”</p><p>“You practiced walking on the stairs at physical therapy this afternoon, yes?” Lainie waits for Justin to nod, affirming. “You’ll be able to get around the house like you do here in the halls, or you’ll have the cane to help you if you feel better using that. Matt, Clay and Aunt Evie are making sure you have more than enough space to walk. And we ask that you don’t come downstairs or go up without someone there to watch.”</p><p>“Like hold my hand?”</p><p>“Not necessarily,” Lainie clarifies. “They’ll stand in front or behind you, just like your therapists do, and in the event that you lose your balance or feel unsteady, they’ll be there to help.”</p><p>“Do I have to use the cane at all?” he asks. He shifts his legs, taking another bite of jello.</p><p>Lainie smiles. “We’ll talk. But I’d feel better if you used it when you’re feeling unsteady, at least to begin with.”</p><p>“Okay,” he nods.</p><p>The room falls silent for a moment. Lainie finishes her bread, discarding the paper towel in the trash can before coming back over to the bed. Justin stretches out his legs, allowing her to lay beside him and brush her fingers through his greasy hair. “Is that all you’re concerned about, love? Or are there other things you want to talk about?”</p><p>Quickly, Justin shakes his head. Lainie gives him a moment, scratches at his scalp as he leans into her touch, and watches him pick at the blanket covering him. “Where’s Seth?”</p><p>Lainie sucks in a breath. Her fingers pause, and then, fearing that she’s worried Justin, she picks it back up again. “He’s still in jail,” she promises. “The courts are legally required to notify us if he posts bail and is released.”</p><p>“What happens if he gets out?”</p><p>“He won’t be allowed anywhere near our home, or to have contact with you or any of us,” Lainie promises. “Justin, honey, do you feel unsafe when you think about being home or anywhere away from the hospital?”</p><p>The silence lingers, deafening and answering the question for Lainie. But Justin composes himself, staring straight at her. “I know that you guys don’t put me in unsafe places.”</p><p>Lainie smiles, reaching her free hand up to brush against his cheek. “While I’m very happy to hear that you know this to be true when it comes to living with us, that doesn’t answer my question.”</p><p>Leaning into her touch, Justin smiles. “I feel unsafe when I think about you guys being in danger because of me,” he admits softly.</p><p>With the confession out in the open, Lainie suddenly feels helpless. Her job as a mother was to protect her children, and the thought of one of her sons feeling like he could be harmed in their care elicited dread throughout her body, a fear that she wasn’t doing absolutely everything she could. “What do you think would help you feel safer?”</p><p>Justin shrugs. “Could we turn the alarm on?”</p><p>“Of course. We’ll set the alarm together each time it needs to be set, and we’ll make sure you know the code so it's in your control as well,” she promises, brushing her finger against his cheek. When he doesn’t suggest anything else, she steps in. “What if we spoke to Mr. Standall or Sheriff Diaz about sending a patrol car periodically down our street? Patrolling to make sure no one is lurking or waiting out for things to quiet down.”</p><p>“That would help,” Justin nods. “Can we?”</p><p>“I think so,” Lainie nods. “Mrs. Standall is working tomorrow, we’ll ask her when Mr. Standall is free to talk to him about setting this up.”</p><p>Justin relaxes under her touch, nodding. “Thank you, Lainie."</p><p>Leaning down, Lainie presses a kiss to his forehead. “Always, my love. We will always be here, and we will do whatever you need from us to make sure you feel safe and comfortable,” she promises.</p><p>She waits until Justin falls asleep before moving back to clean up the last of their things, savoring their final night of a hospital stay that once felt like it would never end.</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>After the fridge is well-stocked with protein shakes and soft foods and things they’re positive Justin will eat and be able to keep down, Matt does one last sweep of the house. Clay has long since gone to bed along with Evie returning back to her hotel, where she’s moved into to give family space as her stay winds down, and when Matt peers out the window above the kitchen, he stares at the outhouse that’s nearly complete and yet it doesn’t feel as exciting as it once did.</p><p>Checking to make sure everything was suitable for Justin, Matt retreats to his own bed, glancing at his phone out of habit. There’s a few emails from work, a reminder of a meeting he has in the morning, and a text from Lainie with two photos attached.</p><p>
  <em>I can’t believe we’re finally at this point. He’s sleeping, our things are packed, and we’re finally all going to be back under one roof tomorrow. I love you.</em>
</p><p>The photos are one of Justin asleep, the only things left attached to him being the pulse monitor on his finger and the IV. It’s a stark contrast to the photos buried in their texts that consist of ventilators and oxygen and so many tubes and monitors that it sort of makes Matt’s head spin.</p><p>The other photo is the duffel bag for Justin packed along with gifts he had been given, Lainie’s duffel bag resting beside it, the only thing left to pack being the pajamas she was currently wearing.</p><p>In so many ways, Matt almost felt like they’d never get here. To be able to celebrate this achievement, celebrate a day where they can bring Justin home from the hospital. They’d been longing for this day, scheduling what felt like thousands of therapist appointments and talking with doctors about realistic goals, and now it was all about to pay off.</p><p>He takes his time getting ready for bed, slipping into his side and leaving Lainie’s side made, just as he had the previous 12 nights they’ve been apart. He reads for a while, replies to the emails he told himself would wait until morning, and when he finally drifts off to sleep, he reminds himself that everything is about to change again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>this is for sure the longest chapter (and i'm pretty sure it'll be the longest chapter in the entire fic), but nowhere felt logical to break up, so i just squeezed it all into one :)</p><p>next week is obviously the long awaited return home, and adjusting to life together all under one roof once more, and helping Justin settle in. more Clay and Justin moments as well!</p><p>thank you for reading!!</p><p>title of chapter from Be Okay by Jordan Fisher :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. I love me some home</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Justin comes home, the family adjusts</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Monday.</strong>
</p>
<p>Justin spends the entire morning on pins and needles.</p>
<p>On one hand, Lainie watches him glowing with excitement about the soon to be reality of having the IV out and being back in his own clothes, finally able to sleep at home, hopefully in his own bed.</p>
<p>On the other hand, she watches the way he’s guarded, speaking with the nurses and the therapists through discharge procedures, undergoing a neurological assessment and other various exams while the anxiety flashes across his face in waves.</p>
<p>He’s putting on a front, and the only one who seems to be able to see that is her.</p>
<p>Matt arrives after his meeting, smiling when he finds Justin drinking a protein shake, sitting up in bed. “You ready for today, kiddo?” he asks, pressing a kiss to his hair, and smiling when Justin nods.</p>
<p>“Do you want to talk to Matt about what would make you feel comfortable at home?” Lainie asks. She walks over to the bed, taking her place in her usual seat. “There’s no pressure in talking about it right now. If you don’t feel up to talking about it, then we wait.”</p>
<p>Justin’s silent for a moment. He picks at the blanket, unfolds his legs, and looks back at them. “I want to just talk about it now,” he says decisively, and then shifts his attention solely on Matt. “I want to set the house alarm every day.”</p>
<p>Matt’s stoic, nodding. “We can arrange that,” he says, smiling as he sits on the edge of the bed. “What else? What else would help you right now?”</p>
<p>Glancing at Lainie, Justin chews on his lip. Lainie understands, looking back to her husband.</p>
<p>“Justin and I discussed asking Mr. Standall to send a patrol car down our street periodically, just so we know we’re not being watched,” Lainie fills in, looking back to Justin as he nods.</p>
<p>Knitting his eyebrows together, Matt takes in the request. “I certainly think that can be arranged, Justin,” he replies.</p>
<p>“I know that I’m safe with you guys,” he says, taking a breath. “But I want you to be honest about the trial and where Seth is. Just like I’m honest about the pain and how I’m feeling with you guys.”</p>
<p>Matt and Lainie share a glance. It’s long, and Justin twists uncomfortably. “We’ll discuss this one further,” Lainie says after a minute. “Justin, I am going to tell you any information I receive when it’s appropriate. But if I don’t feel you’re in the right frame of mind, or if I fear that it will put you in a compromised mental state, then I won’t feel comfortable telling you. It’s our job to keep you safe, and that includes your mental health.”</p>
<p>“Lainie, please,” Justin pleads. His voice is desperate, strained, and he leans back, squeezing his eyes shut. He clenches and relaxes his hand, legs shaking.</p>
<p>Anxiety, Lainie quickly recognizes.</p>
<p>“Hey, Justin, breathe,” she says softly, leaning forward in her chair. “We need you to calm down before we continue this conversation.”</p>
<p>She waits, watching as Justin slows his breathing, hand reaching to rest on hers. “I’m okay,” he promises, looking back at her.</p>
<p>Lainie gives it a moment, studying him, and then continues. “Justin, I understand your need to know where Seth is, and what stage the trial is in. It makes you feel in control of the situation, right?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” he mumbles.</p>
<p>“And if you’re having a down day, would it be smart of me to pile on more legal information?”</p>
<p>Chewing on his lip roughly, Justin shakes his head. “You won’t lie to me though, right?” he asks. “If I ask, will you tell me?”</p>
<p>Smiling in understanding, Lainie looks back at him. “I will tell you,” she says. “I will never lie to you if you ask, and even if I find information out when I don’t feel you’re ready to hear it, I will tell you when I think you are ready.”</p>
<p>Justin’s still tense, fingers pulling at the blanket, but he nods. “Okay,” he agrees, leaning back. “And we can talk more about this later? When I’m doing better?”</p>
<p>Smiling, Lainie nods. “Of course, love. We can revisit this topic when you’re doing a little better.”</p>
<p>Lainie stands up, pressing a kiss to his forehead, and busies herself with gathering the last of their things and setting Justin’s clothes out for when he’s ready to change while he and Matt talk quietly.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>Olivia, the nurse Justin had grown to trust and like the most, walks in with a smile on her face, setting supplies down on a tray beside her. “I get the honor of being your discharge nurse,” she says, turning back to Justin. “Which really just means we have to go over procedures and your parents need to sign a whole bunch of forms.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, smiling as she takes his vitals. “So, your pain management is the number one priority. Your mom has your pain medication schedule, stick to that to help with the pain, even if you don’t have pain when it’s time for another dose.”</p>
<p>Reaching behind him, she grabs the thermometer. “Keeping your incisions dry and clean is the most important thing. Dressing changes need to happen daily, just as we’ve been doing here. They cannot soak in water, but showers are okay. Encouraged even,” she smiles. “If they turn red, warm, or there’s drainage, you need to come back to the emergency room.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Justin sighs. “Do I still have a fever?”</p>
<p>Smiling, Olivia nods. “You do, but that’s expected. It’s low-grade, but if it gets any higher for a prolonged period of time, you need to call us.”</p>
<p>Setting her things down, she looks back to Justin. “The most important thing I need you to do is be honest with your parents about your pain or your feelings. And I need you to let them help. Your brother, too. It’s become evident to me that you like to be independent, but it’s going to take time to reach full independence. Allowing your family to help will help you keep getting better.”</p>
<p>“I can do that,” Justin nods.</p>
<p>Olivia smiles, moving to his IV to shut it off and disconnect the tubing, hanging it up. “This might be a little uncomfortable, hold tight for me.”</p>
<p>Watching her move, Justin holds his arm out, wincing when she removes the tape, gently sliding out the IV. She places a bandage over it with ease, pressing gently. “Keep that on for a few hours,” she says, moving down to remove the pulse monitor from his finger. “You, Justin, are officially free of every monitor and IV that has been attached to you the last two weeks.”</p>
<p>Justin’s unable to hide his smile, flexing his arm. “It feels weird.”</p>
<p>“It will for a little while,” she smiles. “Sit tight, I’ll let you get up to change in a minute. Let me just get your parents started on signing your discharge forms.” Turning back to the table, Justin flexes his arm, moving carefully when he realizes he’s off all the monitors.</p>
<p>“Did I miss all the fun?”</p>
<p>Looking up, Justin can’t hide his smile as Clay walks in the room. “You’re supposed to be in school.”</p>
<p>“And my brother is being discharged from the hospital after two weeks. I can miss the afternoon.”</p>
<p>“Clay, would you be okay helping Justin change?” Olivia asks. Noticing Justin’s glance, she smiles. “Sorry, buddy, but you’re not able to lift your arms, and bending over may be difficult. You’re also still a little unsteady on your feet. You have to let one of us help, I just thought you’d be most comfortable with Clay.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Justin nods, resigned. Swinging his legs over the bed, he grabs Clay’s arm as they walk slowly to the bathroom, Clay stopping to grab Justin’s sweatpants and t-shirt from their dad.</p>
<p>It takes almost 10 minutes, Justin furiously grabbing onto Clay’s arms or shoulders as they slip off the hospital gown and step into sweatpants and a t-shirt. He leans back against the sink, catching his breath.</p>
<p>“You okay?” Clay asks, holding his hand out for Justin to hold as he nods. “We won’t leave the bathroom until you say you’re ready.”</p>
<p>Justin focuses on some more deep breaths, chewing on the corner of his lip. “I’m ready,” he mumbles, looking back to Clay as he opens the door, letting Justin hold onto him while they walk back to the bed.</p>
<p>Olivia hands him a mask, laughing when he makes a face. “We’re just on the cusp of flu season, and you just spent two weeks in the hospital with a pretty significant infection. You just have to wear it through the hospital,” she smiles before stepping out of the room for a moment.</p>
<p>Carolyn Standall walks in, smiling. “I have to be back downstairs in a minute, but we just brought someone up and Olivia let me know she was getting you ready to leave,” she smiles. “Are you excited?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Justin nods, smiling. “Do I really have to wear a mask?”</p>
<p>“Just out of the hospital,” Carolyn smiles. “You don’t have to wear it in the car or when you’re home.”</p>
<p>Justin sighs, pulling at his sweatpants. “Did Matt and Lainie talk to you about the police coming by?”</p>
<p>“They did,” she smiles. “Mr. Standall will come talk to you guys soon, once you’re settled at home. But sweetheart, that’s not going to be a problem, okay? He’s more than happy to do whatever you need to feel safe.”</p>
<p>Justin breathes a sigh of relief, nodding. “Thank you.”</p>
<p>“Always, honey,” she smiles, rubbing his shoulder slowly. “I’ll stop by in a few days to check on you, but Lainie will call me if you need anything. Take it easy, okay?”</p>
<p>“Okay, thank you,” he smiles, watching as she leaves the room, holding the mask firmly in his hand.</p>
<p>Noticing Justin growing more uncomfortable, Clay takes the mask from his brother’s shaking hands and carefully fastens it over his nose and mouth. “You can take it off in the car.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, looking back at Olivia as she brings in a wheelchair. “Hospital protocol, kiddo,” she explains when she notices his face, Dr. Miller trailing behind with a smile.</p>
<p>“I just have to do one more check before I officially sign your discharge papers,” she explains, washing her hands. “I know you’re ready to go.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, leaning back and letting her undress his bandages, checking over the scarring. She takes his vitals one last time, and listens to his breathing. It feels like a lifetime for Justin, who just barely manages to sit still, relieved when the new bandages are on and he can pull his shirt down.</p>
<p>“I know Olivia went over protocols and when we’d need to see you back. Continue with your medication schedules, physical therapy, and don’t push yourself too hard.”</p>
<p>“I won’t,” Justin smiles, readjusting his mask. “Thank you.”</p>
<p>Dr. Miller returns the smile, signing off on the forms. “You are welcome. One of our most outstanding patients.”</p>
<p>Lainie and Matt thank her, shaking her hand and going over last minute instructions while Olivia moves back to the side of the bed. “Clay can help you, I just need to be here in case you need me,” she explains, holding her hand out for support when Justin sits up to move to the end of the bed.</p>
<p>“I’m going to go get the car,” Matt smiles, grabbing a duffel bag and leaving the room as Clay helps Justin into the wheelchair, making sure he’s settled before taking a step back.</p>
<p>Clay walks alongside Justin as they say goodbye to the nurses, Lainie and Olivia talking while Olivia pushes the wheelchair. As they reach the lobby, Justin braces himself, welcoming the fresh air against his face as Matt pulls the car up.</p>
<p>Matt steps out and puts the rest of their things in the trunk, Lainie and Olivia supervising Clay assisting Justin out of the wheelchair. “Nice and slow, sweetheart,” Olivia reminds him when he winces, holding her arm out for support for him as he eases into the back seat.</p>
<p>Clay reaches across Justin to buckle his seatbelt for him, biting his lip when he notices Justin’s frustration. “Take it easy. Let us help.”</p>
<p>“Thank you,” Justin replies, leaning back and swallowing his pride as Clay climbs in the other side, buckling himself and helping Justin take off his mask.</p>
<p>Olivia turns back into the hospital as Matt begins driving home, and as Justin watches the hospital disappear further away, he’s filled with relief that he’s finally out of the hospital after so many days wondering when this would ever happen.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>They walk inside through the back door purely because it means less steps for Justin. He takes each step slow and shaky, grateful for Matt behind him and Clay walking beside him, ignoring the fact that he’s going at a pace that would’ve once annoyed him.</p>
<p>He walks into the living room, smiling at the banner hung in the doorway when he sits down on the sofa. Evie waits until Clay helps Justin get settled, walking over to kiss the top of his head.</p>
<p>“Jess made that. She’s a big sign person, as you know,” Clay explains, handing Justin an extra pillow to rest on his stomach. “She had all the guys help her.”</p>
<p>“They stopped by last night to hang it up,” Evie supplies, sitting down on the arm of the sofa. “Welcome home, sweetheart.”</p>
<p>“A team effort,” he says quietly, looking up at Evie. “Thanks,” he smiles. “I like what they did for the banner. It’s nice,” he says quietly.</p>
<p>“You can tell Jess what you think about it, if you want,” Lainie smiles, handing Justin his phone. “You need to have time limits, your head isn’t ready for extended screen time, but I’m okay with it for a little while now.”</p>
<p>Justin smiles, unlocking his phone. He sees the amount of texts he has unread in the two weeks without his phone, opens everything so that they’re all gone, and finds Jess’ contact. His fingers are slow, hands trembling as he types, but he manages.</p>
<p>
  <em>Thank you for the sign. I’m going to make them keep it up until it starts falling down :)</em>
</p>
<p>Resting his phone on his chest, Justin closes his eyes and sighs contently.</p>
<p>“Happy to be home, sweetheart?” Evie asks.</p>
<p>“Very,” Justin nods. He parts his eyes, sighing. “Can I have a popsicle?”</p>
<p>Smiling, Lainie sets her bag down by the steps. “Sure,” she nods. “And then maybe we can try a shower?”</p>
<p>“Okay,” he nods, letting Clay help him sit up.</p>
<p>
  <em>You’re home!! I’m glad you like the sign. Don’t let Clay take it down, we all worked very hard on that.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>There’s a card in your bedroom too. I wasn’t supposed to spoil that surprise, but I figured I’d tell you as an incentive when you don’t feel like walking upstairs later.</em>
</p>
<p>Justin smiles, accepting the popsicle from Lainie and taking a lick, leaning into Evie’s touch as she runs her fingers through his hair.</p>
<p>
  <em>I’ll let you know when I make it up there. Going to stay on the sofa for now :)</em>
</p>
<p>He sets his phone down, looking back at Lainie. “When do I start physical therapy?”</p>
<p>Setting the duffel bag on the opposite sofa, Lainie looks back to Justin. “Thursday. We’re going to take a few days to settle in at home.”</p>
<p>“Can we start sooner?”</p>
<p>“Justin,” Lainie sighs, biting her lip. Crossing the room, she sits down on the edge of the sofa beside him. “You need a few days to settle in and adjust to being out of the hospital. I’m glad you’re feeling great now, but you heard Dr. Miller and Dr. Noel. There’s going to be an adjustment period.”</p>
<p>Frowning, Justin nods. “I just want to get better.”</p>
<p>“And you will,” she assures him. “We’ll walk around the house, we’ll sit outside. We’ll help you with climbing the steps and working on the exercises they gave us that they’re okay with you doing. But we’re not going to push things or move around therapy appointments if we don’t have to.”</p>
<p>Justin sighs, leaning back and taking another lick of his popsicle. “How am I going to make progress?”</p>
<p>“Slowly and carefully,” she reminds him, standing up and sorting through the clothes from their duffel bags, preparing to do laundry. “You can be upset or angry with us for how we’re going to approach this recovery, but we’re doing this because we want you to get better as soon as possible, with no setbacks. Understand?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Justin nods, resigned, and when he doesn’t make any attempts to argue further Lainie takes the laundry basket, leaving Evie to supervise both of her boys as they settle in at home.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>Evie returns to the living room with two mugs of tea and a mug of broth, handing them out.</p>
<p>“Sorry, kiddo, not sure that tea is approved quite yet,” she smiles sympathetically, curling up in a chair. “Your parents are getting some much deserved rest upstairs, which means it’s just the three of us. What’s something fun that you guys want to do?”</p>
<p>Clay looks to Justin, hesitating. “Is Justin allowed to watch a movie?”</p>
<p>Evie sighs. “I suppose it would be okay. You haven’t had much screen time today. How is your head feeling right now?”</p>
<p>Justin shrugs, shifting uncomfortably. “Not as good as it felt before,” he admits, shaking his head slowly. “I don’t want to watch anything. It will make my head worse.”</p>
<p>“Then what do you want to do?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know, Clay,” Justin snaps, biting back a sigh. “I’m not really all that much fun right now, okay? I can’t do anything, I’m exhausted from riding in the car home from the hospital. So whatever you want to do right now, you can just go do it. I’m sure I’ll just fall asleep in the middle of your sentences like always.”</p>
<p>“Justin -”</p>
<p>“Let’s just both take a breath,” Evie intervenes, looking between the two of them. “Justin, what do you need right now?’</p>
<p>Justin blows out a breath, looking back to Clay. “I didn’t mean to yell at you,” he says quietly, looking at Clay. “I know you’re just trying to help. And I know that you’re just trying to think of something, but I don’t want you to feel like you have to pay extra attention to me, okay?”</p>
<p>Standing, Clay moves to push himself into a small space on the sofa, careful not to nudge Justin too roughly. “You know we’re all going to worry about you, right? And you’re going to get extra attention paid to you because we want to, and you need it right now,” he says carefully. “I like when you’re straight with me because then I know I’m helping you get what you need. So if I’m annoying you or whatever, just fucking say it. Tell me to go away or to stop annoying you or that you can’t take whatever we’re doing.”</p>
<p>Justin nods. He lifts his arm, tapping his fingers against Clay’s bicep, and smiles. “I know you mean well,” he says quietly, handing him his mug of broth, “but sometimes even the talking is enough to make it feel like my brain is going to burst.”</p>
<p>Clay sucks in a sharp breath, nodding. “So do you just want quiet right now?”</p>
<p>“I do,” he whispers. “And I’m sorry in advance for all the times I fall asleep on you when you’re telling me something. I’ll try to do it less.”</p>
<p>Clay laughs. “I’ll try not to take offense to it, at least for the next little while,” he agrees. Standing, Clay grabs the blanket from the back of the sofa and drapes it over his brother, watching as he closes his eyes. “Do you want a wet washcloth?”</p>
<p>Justin shakes his head. “No, it’s not that much worse than normal. I’ll be okay,” he whispers, listening as Clay drifts back into the kitchen, taking a moment to gather himself.</p>
<p>“You did really well, Clay,” Evie smiles, when she joins him, leaning back against the counter. “I know it’s not easy to see him like this, or deal with the mood swings because of his pain. But the way you just handled that was remarkable, sweetheart.”</p>
<p>“I feel like it’s not enough,” Clay sighs, busying himself with organizing the pill bottles on the counter and wiping off the counter. “I just wish he could be magically better.”</p>
<p>Resting a careful hand on Clay’s shoulder, Evie squeezes reassuringly. “He’ll be better soon. In no time you two will be living out in that outhouse together annoying each other to no end. But for now, you’re doing everything right,” she promises him. “Come on, you and I can play a board game quietly while he sleeps. We can even do it in the living room, that way you’re not far from him if he needs us.”</p>
<p>Clay nods, agreeing quietly, following Evie back out to the living room as they pull out the cards and talk quietly, Clay’s careful glances never quite stray from Justin for too long.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>The staircase proves to be more difficult than any of them had been anticipating.</p>
<p>After delaying the shower for as long as possible it’s Matt that initiates the ordeal, helping Justin off the couch and up the stairs at such a terrifyingly slow pace that both Lainie and Clay get worried something is wrong. Lainie bites back her concern, following slowly behind as Clay stands next to her, watching with bated breath when Justin asks to stop or says he’s not going to make it.</p>
<p>Justin leans against Matt when they reach the top, squeezing his eyes shut. “I need a few minutes,” he whispers, letting Matt lead him to sit in the bathroom while he catches his breath.</p>
<p>“You alright, sweetheart?” Lainie asks, brushing the back of her hand against his forehead as she moves to stand in front of him. “Try to take deep breaths, you did a good job.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, slowing his breathing down, hand grasping the corner of the counter. “I’m just sore. And a little dizzy.”</p>
<p>“I know,” she soothes. Reaching over, she wets a washcloth and presses it to his forehead. “We’ll take as long as you need, and then one of us will be here while you shower in case you feel faint.”</p>
<p>Justin doesn’t reply, instead leaning into the washcloth and sinking back against the back of the toilet, desperately trying to feel any sense of normalcy in the crowded hall bathroom.</p>
<p>—</p>
<p>Clay offers to sit in the bathroom with Justin while he showers.</p>
<p>“I don’t need help,” Justin mumbles, but Clay has to help him with taking his clothes off and it’s a weak argument that falls flat. “You don’t have to sit in here with me like I’m five, Clay. Just go sit in our room.”</p>
<p>“‘m not fucking helping you shower. I just have to sit in here in case you almost pass out or you do need help or something,” Clay replies, holding out his hand when Justin steps into the shower. “If you don’t want me in here, Mom or Dad could sit here with you instead. Aunt Evie would probably do it, too, if you really wanted. But you’re not allowed to be in here alone, at least not yet, so your choices are limited.”</p>
<p>He hears Justin sigh on the other side of the curtain. “You’re the best option,” he says. Clay sits on the toilet lid, scrolling through his phone and listening for any signs that he needs to step in and help. “I need your help. I can’t lift my arms,” he says, voice stubborn and clipped.</p>
<p>“So you need me to wash your hair,” Clay says easily, standing up. He decided the best approach was to not make a big deal about this, smoothing his hands over his sweatpants and acting like this is something they’ve done a million times before. “Okay, cool. Are you ready for me to do it now?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Justin mumbles. His back is facing Clay when he pulls back the curtain, light purple bruises lingering along his ribcage, the bandages covering the worst of them. Clay stares for a moment, collecting himself before reaching around Justin for the shampoo. “Please be careful. I’m… my head hurts.”</p>
<p>“Do you feel dizzy?” Clay asks, trying not to sound concerned as he pours shampoo into the palm of his hand.</p>
<p>“A little,” Justin replies. “It just hurts more than anything. From the… the brain injury probably. Right?”</p>
<p>Clay winces at how easily it falls off Justin’s tongue. How mentioning his injuries just sounds like he’s talking about what they’re going to have for dinner or hanging out with their friends after. “Right,” he replies. He reaches up, careful as he massages the shampoo into Justin’s scalp, and feels him relax under his touch. “When I’m done, you can go take a nap.”</p>
<p>“Matt and Lainie don't want me sleeping too much.”</p>
<p>“They never said that.”</p>
<p>Justin shifts on his feet, grabbing for the bar and squeezing. “Can’t sleep all the time.”</p>
<p>Washing his hands off, Clay reaches for the conditioner. “Mom and Dad want you to rest and get better. Your sleep schedule sort of comes second right now,” he says gently, moving back to massage the conditioner in his hair, taking his time to wash the grease and last of the dried blood that no one had been able to get out before. “And if you’d feel better laying down and sleeping, then yes, they’re going to want you to do it. But you need to tell us what you need.”</p>
<p>Taking a breath, Justin picks at the adhesives on his stomach. “I need to lay down after this. When I’m done.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Clay nods. “I’m done with your hair. Are you good if I sit back down and give you privacy?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Justin nods, and so Clay retreats, waiting until the shower shuts off before handing him a towel.</p>
<p>Clay lets Justin struggle for a few moments before reaching forward, helping him get dressed. “Mom’s going to change your bandages,” he says quietly as he pulls Justin’s shirt over his head, carefully readjusting it before pulling the brush from the counter to comb through Justin’s damp hair. “I’m not ready to help you with that yet.”</p>
<p>“I don’t want you to do it anyway,” Justin says quietly, reaching for Clay’s arm as he walks slowly out of the bathroom and into his and Clay’s room. “It’s gonna hurt, and I don’t want you to think it’s your fault.”</p>
<p>Clay nods, gently guiding Justin onto his bed. He positions the pillows until Justin stops him, and then takes a step back. “I’m going to get Mom so she knows you’re ready. Do you want me to stay with you while she changes them?”</p>
<p>Justin shrugs, his eyes slipping closed. “If you want.”</p>
<p>Hesitating, Clay stares at Justin for a moment.</p>
<p>He can’t help but notice the way his arm drapes over his stomach carefully, the bandages poking out from just underneath the t-shirt he helped him put on. The way his face is knitted in discomfort, or the way he chews on the corner of his lip just for something to do to distract himself from how he’s feeling.</p>
<p>He knows his brother is hurting. He knows he’s uncomfortable and afraid and there’s a lot happening in the span of a few hours, but for a moment, Clay wishes he could understand how it feels to be recovering from something like this.</p>
<p>He wishes he could do more to help him. To take the pain away, or shoulder the burden of recovery that’s just beginning all over again after what felt like so much progress in the hospital.</p>
<p>He turns and goes to get Lainie before Justin notices him staring, trailing behind her when she walks into the room with all the supplies. “I need to take your vitals real quick as well, okay?” she says softly, sitting down on the edge of the bed.</p>
<p>Justin nods, parting his eyes and holding out his hand while she puts the pulse monitor they’ve borrowed from the Standalls on his finger. “Your oxygen levels are doing really well, love. Does it feel hard to breathe?”</p>
<p>“Nope,” Justin promises, allowing her to take his temperature. “We’re going to change the bandages now, right? I think that’s what Clay said.”</p>
<p>“Right, we’re going to change them now,” Lainie nods. “I’ll be as quick as I can, I promise. You need to tell me if you need a break.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Justin nods. He shifts gingerly and lifts up his shirt, pressing his head into the pillow as she carefully undoes the bandages.</p>
<p>“I’m going to rub some cream on the incisions. It’ll lessen the scarring,” She says softly, waiting until Justin nods before she begins.</p>
<p>He flinches, hissing at the cold and tenderness of the scars, and then reaches out blindly for Clay, realizing he was sitting on the bed next to him.</p>
<p>Clay can’t stop staring at the scars, the one stretching from just below his brother’s sternum down past his belly button, but reaches to grab Justin’s hand when he requests.</p>
<p>He stares at the smaller incisions, the ones where the knife entered. He also notices the raised chest tube scar, all which had been covered by bandages anytime he had seen them when Justin was in the hospital.</p>
<p>He wishes he stepped out of the room today like he had before, the feeling of being sick slowly creeping up, worry that he was going to make things worse for Justin flooding through his mind.</p>
<p>“Squeeze as hard as you have to,” Clay mumbles, hesitating before drawing his free hand back away from Justin’s face. “If it hurts, you can squeeze my hand.”</p>
<p>Justin doesn’t answer, but his grip tightens on Clay’s hand, knuckles turning white as he tries to focus on his breathing.</p>
<p>“You’re doing great, love. I’m just going to do the scar from your chest tube, and then I’ll re-bandage all of them, okay?” Lainie says softly, glancing up at both of her boys.</p>
<p>“Okay,” Justin replies weakly. He turns his head, looking up at Clay. “Don’t watch her, or look at them,” he says, and Clay almost thinks he’s mad before he realizes Justin’s concerned. “You’re gonna get sick.”</p>
<p>“They’re not that bad.”</p>
<p>“Jensen, shut the fuck up,” Justin says. “You don’t have to lie to me. I know they’re really bad. I know they’re gross. Don’t lie to me to make it sound better.”</p>
<p>Clay glances back at Justin’s stomach, moves to look at Lainie as she cuts the bandages and gets everything ready to finish the process, and then turns back to Justin. “Okay, yeah. I’ll um, I’ll look at you.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, closes his eyes and chews on his lip as Lainie reapplies the bandages carefully. “You did great, sweetheart,” she smiles when she’s finished, reaching for the hand sanitizer. “How are you feeling?”</p>
<p>“Sore,” he sighs. His grip loosens on Clay’s hand. “Everything hurts and I’m tired. But how am I tired? You did everything for me.”</p>
<p>Lainie smiles, taking the monitor off of his finger. “Because you’re recovering from some pretty major injuries and a major surgery,” she reminds him. “And you did just shower right before this. That factors into a lot of it.”</p>
<p>Justin smiles, relaxing as Lainie presses a kiss to his head. “Sleep now, then we’ll try some dinner.”</p>
<p>“Actually, Charlie left you these,” Clay interjects. Walking over to the bedside table, he grabs a bag full of cookies. “He wasn’t sure if you were going to be able to stomach them, so he said if you can’t, he’ll make you new ones when you can since these probably will be stale.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, pushing himself up as best he can. “What kind?”</p>
<p>Clay smiles. “Oatmeal chocolate chip. He made them healthy to make sure he could sweeten the deal with your doctors.”</p>
<p>Turning to Lainie, Justin tries to hide how hopeful he is. “Can I try one?”</p>
<p>Contemplating the request, Lainie sighs. “Are you trying to eat this because you don’t want to make Charlie feel bad, or are you wanting to try it because you feel up to eating?”</p>
<p>“I feel up to eating,” he says, trying to look confident about it. “And they’re pretty healthy, right Clay?” he asks, turning to his brother as he nods in agreement.</p>
<p>Lainie manages a laugh. “While I would feel better if we waited at least a day to give your body a chance to relax, I know you’re eager to try now. So I will compromise with bargaining agreements,” she begins, looking at him. “I’m going to check with your nurses to see if they’re approved. They’re on the fence of your approved food lists. I also need you to stay awake for a little while after you eat it to make sure you don’t throw up.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Justin nods. He leans back against the pillows, adjusting with Clay’s help.</p>
<p>She excuses herself from the room for a minute, and Clay turns to Justin. “Don’t get discouraged if they say no.”</p>
<p>“Clay, stop,” Justin sighs. He adjusts his shirt, draping his arm over his torso. “This sucks, but you babying me isn’t going to make it any better. I’ll be okay with the worst parts of this, I just need you to support me. I’ll tell you when I need help or cheering up.”</p>
<p>For a moment, Clay looks disappointed. He nods anyway, pulls his hand from Justin’s, and leans back against the pillows. “Do you need help right now?” he asks, which makes Justin laugh.</p>
<p>“No, I don’t need help right now. But if I can eat, then I need to sit up.”</p>
<p>“Okay.”</p>
<p>“And Clay,” Justin says, turning to look at him. “I’ll ask for help,” he says. And maybe for the first time, Clay actually believes him.</p>
<p>“Everyone made you this,” Clay offers to break the light tension between them, holding up a homemade card.</p>
<p>Justin takes it, smiling as he reads the messages everyone left him. “Did you help them plan all of this? It’s a lot, what they did for me. Both in the hospital and now here.”</p>
<p>Lainie returns before Clay can say anything, smiling. “Your nurses were pleasantly surprised that I was already calling because you wanted to eat some solid food, even if it is just oatmeal that will mostly melt in your mouth.”</p>
<p>“And what did they say?” Clay asks for his brother.</p>
<p>Lainie smiles. “The on-call nurse said you’re welcome to try. You have to chew until it’s basically nothing, but you shouldn’t have any issues swallowing. Slow bites, maybe half a cookie to start, see how your stomach feels after. But Charlie listed all the ingredients to Mrs. Standall before he made them, and they’re fairly healthy, so hopefully there won’t be any issues.”</p>
<p>“Of course,” Justin smiles, rolling his eyes. He reaches out for Clay to help him sit up while Lainie supervises, leaning in to help when Justin is almost upright. “Small bites. It’ll be fine,” he tells himself, quiet words as Clay unwraps the cookie, placing it in his brother’s palm.</p>
<p>“It will be,” Lainie promises, rubbing his leg for encouragement. “You’ll be fine, sweetheart.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, hesitating, and then takes a small bite.</p>
<p>Lainie busies herself by standing and cleaning up the room, removing the clothes that had somehow already been thrown around when she realizes that Justin didn’t want to be watched.</p>
<p>Clay does watch over his brother, looking for any sign of discomfort or pain, and is relieved when Justin makes a show out of the fact that he swallowed the bite he took. “Can you get my phone?” he asks, pointing over to the dresser where Clay had put it before he showered.</p>
<p>Lainie steps in, handing it to him before Clay has a chance to get up. “Don’t eat too fast,” she reminds him when he takes another bite.</p>
<p>“I’m not,” he promises, scrolling through his phone to find Charlie’s number.</p>
<p>
  <em>Thank you for the cookies :) they’re amazing as always.</em>
</p>
<p>Charlie responds a minute later.</p>
<p>
  <em>You ate them!? I was worried I gave them to you too soon. I’m glad you like them. Glad you’re home :)</em>
</p>
<p>Justin takes the smallest of third bites, texting with one hand.</p>
<p>
  <em>I mean, I’m eating them. Not sure how they’ll react, but I’ll always take more later :) I’ll let you know when you and Alex can come over :)</em>
</p>
<p>He takes another bite, chewing methodically, and then stops. He pushes the remaining half of his cookie clumsily into Clay’s hand, covering his mouth. “I feel sick,” he mumbles, and immediately Lainie is attentive.</p>
<p>She walks over, pressing her hand to his forehead. “Okay, sweetheart. Just take a deep breath. You’re okay, it’s okay,” she soothes, grabbing the trash can. “Throw up if you have to. Don’t try to hold it down, okay? You’ll feel better if you just let it out.”</p>
<p>Justin takes a deep breath, hand reaching for hers, and presses his head back into the pillows harshly as he squeezes his eyes shut. “I hate this.”</p>
<p>“I know, Justin,” Lainie sighs. She holds his hand, running her thumb softly across the back of it. “You did really well eating solid food, though. I’m proud of you for trying. And this won’t be forever. Pretty soon you’ll be able to have as many of Charlie’s cookies as you want.”</p>
<p>Clay, who had been stunned at the sight in front of him, stands up to save the other half of the cookie and leaves the room mumbling that he’s going to wash his hands.</p>
<p>“Do you think you can try a small sip of water? See if it settles your stomach?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, o-okay,” he nods, taking a breath. He lets himself be helped by Lainie, who holds the bottle of water up to his lips with her free hand, helping him take a sip.</p>
<p>Lainie gives it a minute, free hand brushing against his cheek as Justin takes a breath.</p>
<p>“I feel better,” he says after a minute, opening his eyes to look at her. “I don’t think I’m going to throw up.”</p>
<p>“Good,” she says, setting the trash can down beside them. “Do you want to sleep?”</p>
<p>Shifting a little, Justin lets his eyes slip closed and nods. “Is Clay okay?”</p>
<p>Lainie smiles. “He’ll be fine. I don’t want you to worry about him.”</p>
<p>“He’s worried about me. Or scared for me or something.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Lainie whispers. “But, you’re going to be okay. And he’s going to be okay, and we will all learn to adjust to all of this. For now, I want you to rest. Take a nap, and then dinner will be ready.”</p>
<p>She holds his hand until he falls asleep, his grip loosening. Taking a moment, she looks at his features.</p>
<p>The bruising in his face is almost gone, stitches all but dissolved. She knows there’s a lot of issues with his stomach, but for now, he’s healthy and safe. It’ll take time to get him fully healthy, time that she’s positive they have.</p>
<p>Carefully, she covers him with a blanket. Kissing his forehead and slipping out of the room, Lainie pauses in the hallway, giving herself a moment to breathe.</p>
<p>Everything will be okay.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you guys for reading!! </p>
<p>this was (obviously) a needed chapter, but more of a transition chapter to set up for the next section :) </p>
<p>next Friday has some friends back, some more moving forward, and more of the brothers.</p>
<p>title of the chapter is from Home by Johnnyswim :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. just trying to be honest</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Justin adjusts to life at home, Clay worries, and Matt and Lainie iron out the coming weeks.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In the first year of Clay’s life, Lainie thinks she slept a total of 24 hours.</p><p>If there was such a thing as being over-prepared, she’s fairly sure that was her. Most of her nine months of pregnancy were spent reading books about what to expect, best practices for getting babies into routines and what to do when something happens that her mind swirled with possibilities and worst-case scenarios, oftentimes leading to Matt gently prying the book out of her hands and coaxing her to get some sleep.</p><p>After Clay was born, she used to sit in the rocking chair by his crib, hand resting on the arm and her eyes trained on the little boy’s chest, watching the rise and fall and listening to his little noises, indicating he was alive, he was breathing. He was okay.</p><p>She would go against all advice she read and let Clay sleep on her chest or in her arms, comforted by his warm breath on her chest, his crying when he’d been quiet too long a relief to her when it echoed through the living room in the time she told herself she would get chores done.</p><p>As it turns out, Justin’s first night home from the hospital feels the exact same way.</p><p>After gathering the strength to join them downstairs for dinner, Justin sank against the sofa, resigned as he drew in on himself. “I’m not… I don’t think I can make it back upstairs,” he said quietly, defeat laced through his words as he stared at the blanket he had pulled roughly over himself until his eyes became unfocused.</p><p>Matt moved to sit beside him on the sofa carefully. “The bed we’ll move into the outhouse when it’s done is set up in my office. Let’s get you comfortable down here for now, and work up to sleeping in your own bed when you have a little more energy and feel that you can do it,” he said carefully as he watched Justin for a reaction. “There’s no reason to hang your head about this, buddy. You had a big day today, and you did a lot of moving. It’s just the first day home.”</p><p>Justin had nodded, and stubbornness kicked in as he shrugged away Matt’s offer to help after getting off the couch, shuffling uncomfortably down the hall and into Matt’s office in time to fall into bed.</p><p>Lainie had falsely believed she’d be okay sleeping upstairs with Matt. She’d been looking forward to it after two weeks of being away and sleeping separately, longing for the feeling of Matt on the other side of the bed, even breathing and a strong hand resting against her hip as he slept soundly.</p><p>The comfort of being in bed with her husband again was overpowered by her worry that she needed to be closer to Justin, quietly making her way downstairs and into Matt’s office less than an hour after she had settled into bed herself.</p><p>Standing in the doorway, Lainie takes a moment to watch Justin sleep.</p><p>They left the light on Matt’s desk on, casting a shadow across the room and onto the bed where Justin laid under a pile of blankets, pillow pressed to his side and another few pillows propping him up. His breaths are shallow and quick, and the reminder from Dr. Miller that it was normal for his breathing to look that way now that he’s supporting himself and breathing on his own floats through her mind.</p><p>She resists the urge to walk in and feel his forehead, instead leaving the door ajar and walking through the living room, picking up stray blankets and cups they had left after the ordeal of getting everyone into bed the night before. Taking her time loading the dishwasher, Lainie organizes Justin’s medications into the pill box Evie bought on a whim to keep them all organized, locking them all up when she’s finished.</p><p>And then, when a sufficient amount of time has passed, Lainie moves back to Matt’s office, concerned when Justin’s visibly more distressed, eyebrows furrowed as he shifts uncomfortably. Acting on her concerns, Lainie crosses the room with ease, feeling his forehead as he stirs awake.</p><p>“It hurts,” he whispers, eyes wide as he looks up at her somewhere between awake and asleep.</p><p>Lainie nods, brushing her hand down and cupping the side of his face. She moves to lay next to him, hand resting on his carefully. “Can you tell me where it hurts? Or point, if it’s easier.”</p><p>“Where the surgery scar is,” he whispers, twisting to lay on his back as he groans in pain. “And my head. Don’t want to open my eyes anymore.”</p><p>“Close them again then, my love,” she whispers, moving her hand back to run through his hair. “I know you’re really wanting to go as long as you can between medication dosages, and I’m okay with that, but do you think you need to take a pill? You’re able to have one now, if you want. It’ll ease the pain and help you get back to sleep.”</p><p>Justin turns quickly, moaning as he presses his head against Lainie’s shoulder. “Can we do anything else first?”</p><p>Sighing, Lainie chews on the corner of her lip. She wants to give into the pain medication, remind him that it’s okay to use for the short term and they can worry about the weaning and withdrawal later. But she knows it’s not as easy in Justin’s mind, and certainly not right now when he’s struggling to focus on much of anything.</p><p>“We can try an ice pack over your incision and a cool washcloth over your eyes,” she offers, whispering as she holds him carefully. “I’d feel better if you just took the medication, sweetheart, but would you want to try the ice first?”</p><p>Justin nods, sucking in a breath. Lainie gives it a moment to see if he changes his mind, waiting for Justin to relax just slightly before she slips out of the room, retrieving a washcloth and an ice pack from the freezer.</p><p>“Just try to relax all of your muscles, okay?” she whispers, helping him roll onto his back as she places the washcloth and ice packs on. “We’ll leave them on for 20 minutes, and then we have to at least remove the ice pack.”</p><p>Justin nods, his hand reaching out for hers. Lainie sits on the edge of the bed, taking Justin’s hand in hers, and watching as he slowly relaxes. After 20 minutes, she carefully removes the ice pack from his stomach.</p><p>“Lainie?” Justin says softly, tilting his head in her direction. “I’ll take the pain meds.”</p><p>Lainie softens, cupping his cheek in her hand. “I’ll be right back,” she whispers, bringing the ice pack back to the kitchen before returning to the office with his medication, helping him sit up. “I’ll stay here, okay? I’ll sleep in the chair just over there,” she says softly, holding his hand as he nods and slowly drifts off to sleep, the crease between his eyes slowly dissipating.</p><p>When Matt wakes up the following morning and finds Lainie asleep on the chair under the window of his office, he’s not surprised.</p><p>He covers her with a blanket, kissing her forehead and slipping back out of the room after making sure Justin is okay.</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <strong>Tuesday.</strong>
</p><p>Justin sleeps through breakfast, much to the dismay of Clay, who sits at the breakfast table between Evie and Lainie, shaking his leg while Matt makes breakfast.</p><p>“He’s fine, sweetheart,” Lainie reminds him again when she notices him staring towards the front of the house, but the bags under her eyes and heavy eyelids do nothing to convince her oldest of this. “Sleep is a good thing for him, and I’m sure it feels good to be able to rest in a normal bed off all of the tubes and wires.”</p><p>Clay drizzles syrup over the pancakes Matt set in front of him. “Wasn’t he up early when he was in the hospital? And now he’s not on constant pain medication, so it must be bothering him.”</p><p>“He was up early when he was in the hospital because the nurses came in early to take his vitals and it woke him up,” Lainie smiles. “We’re working on pain management, but if he’s sleeping, we’re not going to wake him up and ask how he’s feeling. He took some pain medication in the middle of the night, so he should be okay for now. I’m sure he’ll be awake and more than happy to see you when you’re home from school today.”</p><p>Clay nods, shoving a bite of pancakes into his mouth as he reaches for his orange juice. “I’m seeing Dr. Ellman after school today. Can you please make sure Justin does those physical therapy exercises? And make him get up to walk and get things. If we get everything for him, he’ll never want to get up and do anything for himself.”</p><p>Matt joins them at the table, smiling. “We’ll make sure he gets up and walks around, Clay. You don’t need to worry about him while you’re gone, okay? He’ll be fine.”</p><p>“You’ll tell me if he’s not?”</p><p>Sensing her son’s anxiety, Lainie reaches over and rests her hand on his. “If he’s not okay, we will tell you. If we think you should come home, we will call you out of school,” she promises. “But Clay, we don’t anticipate having a hard day. We don’t think we’ll need to come home from school to be with him, okay? Just focus on classes and your session with Dr. Ellman, and we’ll see you when you get home.”</p><p>Clay nods, taking a breath and finishing the rest of his breakfast. Evie stands, wrapping her nephew in a hug. “I’ll be gone by the time you’re home this afternoon. I’m going to try to get home before school ends for my kids,” she smiles, pulling back and resting her hands on his shoulders. “Take it one day at a time, okay? Just like you did yesterday. He’s fine, you just need to relax.”</p><p>Staring back at her, a lost look in his eyes that made him look much younger than 17, Clay nods. “Will you be back soon?”</p><p>Evie smiles. “When Justin’s doing a little better, we’ll all come to visit. But you can call if you need anything.”</p><p>Lainie’s envisioning late night phone calls from Clay to Evie, worried about Justin’s progress. While Clay understands that it’s going to be difficult, it seems that being faced with it, despite just being in the beginning stages, is more difficult than any of them could’ve imagined.</p><p>Clay thanks her quietly, hugging her one final time before stepping back, grabbing his bag and leaving for school, mumbling as he grabs his keys that he’s going to be cutting it close.</p><p>Lainie lets her head droop as the back door clicks shut, sighing. “How are we going to get them both through this?”</p><p>“Brutal honesty,” Evie shrugs, taking her place back at the table. “Clay can handle it. Justin can certainly handle it. Just make sure you have open communication and a window for either boy to ask what’s on their mind. As long as they feel that they can ask anything and have an honest answer in response, you guys will figure this out.”</p><p>Lainie nods, wrapping her hands around her mug of tea for comfort, and blows out a breath.</p><p>Honesty, humility, and one day at a time will get them through this. She has no other choice but to believe that this will be the case.</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>Justin’s enthusiasm comes in waves.</p><p>When he does wake up, Matt is the first one to go check in on him. He gives him his antibiotic with no arguments, helps him eat some applesauce, and even convinces him to try yogurt. The offer to help him out of bed is left with a firm disagreement, but Matt doesn’t let his enthusiasm waver, celebrating the fact that he got food and medication into him with relative ease.</p><p>Upon hearing Evie was packing up the last of her things and getting ready to leave, Justin asks for help out of bed. He holds onto Matt’s arm for support, legs heavy and slow as they shuffle out of the room and into the living room, where Evie is standing waiting with a smile on her face.</p><p>“I’m so glad you’re doing better, sweetheart,” she says, resting her hand on his arm. Matt lets go, allowing Justin to support his own weight. “I’m glad I got to see you out of the hospital.”</p><p>“Me too,” Justin nods, leaning forward to hug her carefully. “Thank you for coming to see me. And for staying as long as you did.”</p><p>Evie holds him carefully. “Of course,” she whispers, pulling back to look at him. “I’ll bring the whole family next time when you’re feeling a little better,” she promises.</p><p>Justin smiles, shifting on his feet. “I hope that’s soon, then,” he smiles.</p><p>“You and me both,” she laughs, kissing his cheek. “You can always call or text if you need anything, okay?” she promises, helping him to sit down on the sofa.</p><p>By the time Lainie returns from saying goodbye to her sister by her car, Justin is half asleep on the sofa, Matt sitting on the arm of the furniture running his fingers through Justin’s hair.</p><p>“Physical therapy can wait,” he whispers, smiling as his wife rolls her eyes playfully. “Let’s just let him get some rest, and then we’ll figure it out.”</p><p>Lainie nods, pulling a blanket from the basket and draping it over her son, moving back to the kitchen to mark off medication given and pain management, an effort to keep them organized.</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>Jessica wasn’t one who usually noticed any changes in Clay.</p><p>Friends through Justin, the two of them had never really bonded to be close friends, able to pick up on the slightest changes.</p><p>But Tuesday morning, Jess is pretty sure that anyone would’ve been able to notice a change in Clay.</p><p>He seemed happier, well-rested for the first time in a long time. Despite the obvious anxiety lingering beneath him - the picking of his fingers, or nervous ticks they had all come to know from Clay - he seemed happy. Settled. Like things were finally taking a turn for the better.</p><p>“He’s finally home,” he announced as he joined them in the library, sinking into a chair between Zach and Ani. “I’m sure most of you know, anyway, but it feels good to wake up and know that he’s sleeping in the same house.”</p><p>“That’s great,” Ani smiles, reaching over to take his hand. “How is he doing?”</p><p>Clay’s smile falters for a moment. “He’s doing okay,” he decides after a moment. Pulling his bottom lip between his teeth, Clay stares at the center of the table. “Being off the IV has its challenges, but he walks around and he got to shower, and I think he’s feeling a lot better being in his own bed than he was away from us when he was in the hospital.”</p><p>“Did he really eat the cookie, or was he just being polite?”</p><p>“Charlie,” Alex groans, tossing his head back with an eye roll. “You’re really going to ask that?”</p><p>“I just want to know,” Charlie smiles, throwing his hands up in surrender.</p><p>Clay smiles, looking across the table. “He really did eat it, and he liked it,” he replies, omitting the fact that Justin gave up after half and felt sick. “Solid foods are a little tricky right now, but when he’s able to eat them normally, maybe you could make him more?”</p><p>Grateful to feel like he was being useful, Charlie nods enthusiastically. “I’ll make a list of cookies I think will work for him and run them by Mrs. Standall,” he smiles. “For now, we’ll stick to smoothies.”</p><p>Clay agrees, leaning back. “I’m sure you’ll all be able to come see him soon. I think we just want to get him settled at home, let him adjust to being out of the hospital, and then you guys can see him.”</p><p>The group agrees, arguing over the order of visiting and how many people should go at once, and while normally Clay thinks he’d be annoyed at the bickering, he revels in it now.</p><p>Because the bickering is over his brother being out of the hospital and the group getting to see him, and even though it’s not great and there’s a long way to go, it’s a huge step in the right direction.</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>Most sessions, Clay welcomes the easy, careful tone of Dr. Ellman.</p><p>Most weeks he looks forward to his sessions, a chance to talk about whatever he felt he needed to get off of his chest.</p><p>Today, sitting on the orange sofa in Dr. Ellman’s office, talking feels difficult. It’s not that he had a particularly hard day, at least not in the grand scheme of things. His texts to his parents were always met with glowing updates on Justin.</p><p>
  <em>He’s resting, don’t worry :)</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Got up and walked around downstairs for a little while. Napping now.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>We’ve done all physical therapy exercises that are approved. He’s doing fine, Clay. We promise.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Have a good session with Dr. Ellman! Justin is still doing well, just resting.</em>
</p><p>But there’s a nagging in the back of his mind, an onset of exhaustion at the emotions of Justin coming home and immediately struggling to do the simplest of things, that Clay just can’t shake.</p><p>“Is there anything in particular on your mind, Clay?” Dr. Ellman prompts, cutting the otherwise silent room. “Lately you’ve been coming in here with specific topics. This isn’t like you.”</p><p>Clay clasps his hands together, sighing. “Justin came home yesterday.”</p><p>Raising his brows in surprise, Dr. Ellman sets his pen down, crossing his legs. “I heard he was coming home soon. That’s good news.”</p><p>Shrugging, Clay draws a pattern against the sofa fabric. “He’s in more pain now because he’s not constantly getting pain meds. And he’s a recovering addict, which means he doesn’t want to take the pain meds now that he knows they’re what he was addicted too. Mom and Dad are encouraging it for now until it’s safe to come off them, but he hates it.”</p><p>“When I spoke to Justin briefly, he seemed to understand that the opioids were under lock and key and were necessary for the time being. Do you think that’s changed now?”</p><p>Clay pauses, shaking his head. “He doesn’t have access to where his meds are locked away, and our mom always gives them to him when it’s time for his dosage. She talks to addiction specialists all the time, and his doctors are already talking about how to get him off the heavy pain medication and move down to something less addictive.”</p><p>“It sounds like everyone is making appropriate plans,” Dr. Ellman notes. “Is there something in particular you’re worried about?”</p><p>Clay doesn’t say anything for a while. He picks at the sofa and then at his fingers, staring until his eyes become lazy and unfocused. “I’m worried that nothing I do helps him,” he says quietly. “Leaving doesn’t magically make him better when I come home. Hovering makes it worse, he just gets annoyed. He’s in pain more, he’s eating the bare minimum, and I don’t know how we ever get him back to the person he was before.”</p><p>“Maybe you don’t,” Dr. Ellman replies, looking back. “Clay, just as you’ve been through a traumatic event, Justin also experienced the same. While he doesn’t remember it, at least not yet, he is recovering from the aftermath.”</p><p>“So you’re saying you don’t think he’s ever going to be the normal Justin?”</p><p>“I don’t know,” Dr. Ellman replies. His matter-of-fact demeanor that Clay usually loves feels like a punch to the gut, momentarily knocking him breathless. “But Clay, wishing your brother to be who he was before isn’t going to get you anywhere in your own recovery. Neither is dwelling on his pain management, or hitting milestones because you think that’s where he should be.”</p><p>Sinking down against the cushions, Clay nods. “All I can do is just show him that I’m there for him. Don’t overcrowd, and listen to what he needs. That’s the only way we’re all going to get through this, right?”</p><p>Writing in his notebook, Dr. Ellman looks back up. “I think it’s a perfect place to start,” he smiles. “As Justin adjusts back to being home, to being on oral pain medication and dealing with his injuries full-on, you’ll be able to figure out a routine that works for you both. For the time being, listening to him, what he needs, what’s working and what isn’t is a good first step. This will get better, Clay, it just takes time.”</p><p>Clay nods, trying to relax and remind himself that it will get better, even if things don’t feel like it right now.</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <strong>Wednesday.</strong>
</p><p>Setting a plate of noodles on Justin’s lap, Lainie takes a seat in an open space on the sofa. “I know we’ve been sticking to broth and applesauce and ice cream, but we were given the okay by your doctors to try some soft, bland foods and see how you do with them.”</p><p>Justin shifts, picking up the fork. “Noodles though?”</p><p>“They’re gluten free, overdone, and just have butter and cheese on them, which I know you like,” she smiles sympathetically. “Do you think you can try a few bites? Then if you don’t feel up to it or if it’s not good, we can go back to protein shakes and a popsicle.”</p><p>Stabbing a piece of pasta, Justin hesitates, and then shakes his head. “I can’t do it,” he says, dropping the fork. “It’s going to make me feel sick, and I’m going to feel like I could throw up, and then we’ll just have to start all over again.”</p><p>Lainie calmly removes the plate from his lap, setting it on the coffee table. “Look at me, love,” she says softly, resting her hands in her lap. “Take a deep breath.”</p><p>Justin obliges, slowly relaxing.</p><p>“Justin, I need to hear from you that you understand that we will never make you do something that you are not comfortable with or don’t feel ready for,” she says softly.</p><p>Justin swallows, nodding. “I know that you’re never going to make me do something I’m not ready for or that I’m not comfortable with.”</p><p>Lainie nods. “That being said, I will never suggest something that I think you can’t do or you’re not ready for,” she continues. “I was given a whole list of foods we’re allowed to try that are more substantial. After looking through it, I felt that noodles were a good place for you to start. But I should’ve consulted you and we should have looked through the list together. Is that something you’d like to do now?”</p><p>When Justin agrees, Lainie stands and retrieves the list, returning and setting it on Justin’s lap. “Anything in this first column is what your doctors say you’re ready to try,” she explains, gesturing towards the list. “All very bland, all soft foods to begin with. Nothing too harsh for your belly while it continues healing.”</p><p>Justin nods. “I feel like I can’t eat any of these.”</p><p>“That’s okay,” Lainie nods. “Is there anything on there that you think you’d like to at least attempt?”</p><p>Justin shrugs. “The noodles are the only things I think I can try,” he says quietly. “But when I think about trying to eat them I just think about how I felt when I ate Charlie’s cookie or when I first tried broth in the hospital, and they made me feel so sick. And then I panic that any food I try is just going to make me feel sick and I’ll be stuck eating broth and popsicles and drinking protein shakes or smoothies for the rest of my life.”</p><p>“Okay, let’s take these thoughts one step at a time,” she smiles, reaching out to brush her thumb against his cheek. “Justin, honey, you got sick from Charlie’s cookie because it was filled with sugar and foods that we may have jumped the gun on. And we figured out the broth, right? It took a few tries, but we got there and you were okay. There were no permanent effects.”</p><p>“I don’t like feeling sick.”</p><p>“No one does, love,” Lainie smiles. “But I don’t want you to think that getting you feeling better will always be straightforward and easygoing. I know the hard work is scary and uncertain, and in many ways it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do, but we will never allow you to go through these steps alone. We will never ask you to figure out what you need or what to do next by yourself.”</p><p>“I’m not trying to force you to do something you don’t feel ready for or push you too quickly, but my love, sometimes the only way to keep moving forward and getting better is to do some really scary things,” she says gently. “If you’d like to give it a little more time before we try, that’s okay, too.”</p><p>Lainie feels the uncertainty of this conversation. Each word feels like she’s stepping out onto an unsteady ledge, waiting for it to crumble beneath her. She’s spent most of the last year wondering how she would push Justin without him feeling like they were attacking him or forcing him to do things. And now, as she works to get him through one of the hardest moments of his life, she thinks maybe she’s approaching it all wrong.</p><p>Standing, Lainie turns and takes the plate of noodles in her hands. “I’ll put these in a container in case you’re feeling up to trying them later,” she smiles, leaning down and kissing his forehead. “Chocolate or vanilla protein shake? Dad found the chocolate ones at the store last night.”</p><p>“Lainie?” Justin calls when she turns back, chewing on his lip. He stares at his lap, pushing himself to sit up. “I’ll try one bite at a time. But I need you to get a bag in case I get sick, and I want you to stay with me.”</p><p>Lainie smiles, nodding as she turns back and hands him the plate. To hear him speak so strongly about what he needs to be able to try makes her want to cry as she grabs a plastic bag from the kitchen, returning to sit on the edge of the sofa.</p><p> </p><p>“Chew nice and slow, swallow when you feel ready, and I have your water and a bag right here,” she promises, holding up his water bottle and a plastic bag for him to see.</p><p>He eats half the plate before feeling sick, leaning back and focusing on his breathing as he takes small sips of water, the bag clutched tightly in his grasp.</p><p>Lainie waits until he’s feeling better before returning to the kitchen to wrap up the leftovers, weeping as she looks out the window and thanks whoever is looking out for them that they’ve made the smallest bit of progress.</p><p>It’s a start.</p><p>
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    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>Clay walks into the living room after school to find Justin buried under blankets with a cool washcloth on his head, music playing softly.</p><p>It’s not that he’s discouraged by the sight - having music on feels like a huge step in the right direction, a place he hadn’t been before - but after coming home the day before to Justin sitting up eating a snack, he expected the same sight today.</p><p>“Clay?” Justin’s voice breaks through the quiet, hand reaching up to pull the washcloth from over his eyes. “I heard your feet.”</p><p>“Yeah?” Clay smiles, dropping his backpack and walking over to sit on the coffee table. “You getting good at footstep recognition now?”</p><p>Half a smile slides across Justin’s face. “Have to when my eyes hurt to open,” he retorts, replacing the washcloth back over his eyes. “You and Matt sound similar though. Have to work on getting better at those.”</p><p>Clay folds his hands in his lap. “How did you know it was me this time?”</p><p>Justin shrugged, pushing his hands under the blanket. “You stopped walking,” he says simply. “Matt doesn’t stop walking when he gets into the room. I knew you would, especially because I’m laying here like this.”</p><p>Laughing, Clay shakes his head. “I guess I just thought you’d be up and moving.”</p><p>“Did that most of the day,” he sighs. “I walked a lot, did all the physical therapy exercises I’m allowed to do until I start again when I see the therapists tomorrow, and ate noodles that were so overdone because I can’t stomach normal noodles yet that I almost gagged.”</p><p>“But that’s a solid food,” Clay reminds him gently. “So that’s a good thing, right?”</p><p>Justin shrugs. “Lainie says it is,” he replies, which sounds far more pessimistic than Clay thinks it should have. “I want to shower today too, but the thought of Matt or Lainie helping me and not you made me feel weird.”</p><p>Clay nods. “I’ll help you take one in a little bit,” he compromises. “I think Mrs. Standall is coming today to make sure you’re still doing okay at home.”</p><p>Justin nods, pressing the pillow into his side. “Lainie said we could ask her about moving off the heavy pain meds. It’s not her call, but she’ll be able to say if she thinks I’m ready or not.”</p><p>Masked by the washcloth, Justin doesn’t see Clay nod, apprehension written over his face. “I get why you want to come off them so bad, but aren’t you worried about the pain if you’re taking something that isn’t as strong?”</p><p>Justin shrugs, blowing out a breath. “I hadn’t thought about it,” he admits after a moment. “All I can think about is how hard I worked to get clean, and if I stay on these longer, the harder it will be to get off of them.”</p><p>Reaching out, Clay rests his hand on top of Justin’s. “Mom is like, best friends with the addiction specialists. She’s on your side, you know. Everyone is. But if they don’t think you’re ready to deal with your pain or be on medication that isn’t as strong, don’t get discouraged.”</p><p>“No, I know,” Justin nods, sinking further into the sofa. “I just want to be better. I want to hang out with all of you and play football and get excited for basketball season. Instead I’m laying here with fucking music on because the TV makes my head hurt, and I can’t get up from this sofa without someone helping me through every step.”</p><p>Clay sighs. Torn between being optimistic and being straight with his brother, he takes a moment to gather his thoughts. “You’ve made a lot of progress,” he tries, shrugging as he pulls his hand back. “I mean you got up and walked a lot today, you ate solid food, you’re out of the hospital, and you barely have a fever anymore. We expected the headaches and the pain and needing help doing things while you kept healing. This isn’t… you haven’t had any setbacks since coming home.”</p><p>Justin laughs, pulling a hand out to remove the washcloth from his eyes once more. “I get Matt and Lainie are being positive about this, and I know they probably told you that you should be too, but please. Just let me rant and be miserable and not have to be subjected to you also telling me how great I’ve been doing when it feels like I’ve done nothing at all.”</p><p>Clay leans back, resting his weight on his hands. “So you’re saying you want me to be super pessimistic about all of this? Let you complain and then just agree with what you’re saying?”</p><p>He earns a laugh from Justin. “I’m saying that I want you to just act fucking normal,” he clarifies, pushing himself to sit up a little better. “The Clay I know would be miserable with me. Telling me it fucking sucks that I have to wait for you to help me shower, or help me up the steps or off the sofa. He’d be complaining about the smoothies that, even though they have things I like in them, look terrible.”</p><p>Clay contemplates for a moment, peering across the house. He can hear their parents in the kitchen, quiet conversation floating through the house. And then he turns back to Justin, who’s staring at him through half closed eyes, fingers twisted around the washcloth. “I hate seeing you like this. I wish there was more that I could do,” he sighs, moving to squeeze onto a sliver of open sofa space beside him. “And you’re right, those smoothies with the protein you have to drink look fucking disgusting.”</p><p>Justin laughs hard now, wincing as he reaches out for Clay’s arm, steadying his breathing. Clay laughs along with him, and for all the nervousness both of them had felt since returning home, Clay thinks he’d take a million normal moments like this, even if it meant having to get through the bad as well.</p><p>
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</p><p>Papers are strewn across the table, Matt and Lainie sitting beside each other working through each individually, calendar set out in front of them.</p><p>They spent time marking out doctor's appointments and realistic timelines they would like to follow, noting in the margins on other papers questions they’d like to ask the doctors when they return for follow up appointments.</p><p>“Physical therapy starts tomorrow and will be on Tuesdays and Thursdays for now,” Lainie says, marking the days off in the calendar. “After tomorrow we’ll keep physical therapy here for now, and when he’s stronger and able to be in the car, we’ll go to the facility so he can utilize the equipment they have there to build back his muscle.”</p><p>Matt nods, pulling another paper from the pile. “He’ll do regular therapy once a week with Dr. Ellman, who’s agreed to come here during the day. As soon as we feel comfortable, he’ll go to the office.”</p><p>Lainie nods, making a note to schedule the therapy sessions for Justin. “So many appointments,” she sighs, shaking her head.</p><p>“We’ll get into a routine soon enough,” Matt assures her, leaning back as Lainie nods.</p><p>“He wants to come off the heavy pain medication, and he wants to do it as soon as possible,” Lainie sighs as she reaches forward, grabbing the papers about safe weaning of medication.</p><p>Matt runs his fingers through his hair. “I know you said he refused to take it at first a few nights ago, and he’s been pretty stingy the last few days when we’ve offered. If he’s managing the pain fine, what’s the harm in going down to one of these level two pain medications? They’re less addictive, but still a step up from Tylenol since that probably won’t do much right now.”</p><p>Writing idly, Lainie nods. “I want to give into what he’s asked for so bad,” Lainie sighs. “He’s expressed his wants, he’s not shying away from telling us what he needs or what he wants to do, and it feels like the least we could do is honor something he’s asking for when it comes to his own recovery.”</p><p>Matt peers over his glasses, sighing. “Lainie, honoring something he’s asked for pertains more to food he wants to try or activities he’d like to get involved in when he’s doing better. Not medication dosages that affect the way he recovers from major injuries and an operation,” he reminds her. “I think we need to lean heavily on the addiction specialists and the doctors and take their advice. Of course Justin can voice what he wants, and I’m so grateful that he is. I just don’t want to make hasty decisions about his medical care because it’s what he wants, only to leave him in pain and stalling his recovery.”</p><p>Lainie lets her head fall to his hands. “I just hate seeing him like this. Building up all this time to have him advocate for what he needs and wants, only to have it ripped out from underneath him.” Pausing, she looks up. “When does he get a break?”</p><p>Matt leans over, wrapping her in his arms. “I don’t know,” he whispers, pressing his lips to her hair. He can hear their boys talking in the distance, laughs coming from both of them as his heart eases just slightly. “But tomorrow when we meet with the addiction specialists, we will advocate strongly to reduce the addictive pain medication currently being used. We’ll cite Justin’s past drug abuse, allow Justin to share as much of his past as he wants, and let him discuss why he thinks he needs to be off them now. If he can’t put it into words, then we will for him. Just as we would for Clay should he not be able to advocate for himself.”</p><p>Lainie nods, head firmly against his shoulder, and sucks in a breath. “We will figure this out. We’ll get him better. We’ll make sure he’s happy and he never stops telling us what he wants,” she repeats, dabbing at her eyes with the pad of her thumb.</p><p>Matt has never been so quick to agree.</p><p>
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</p><p>“Mrs. Standall will be here soon,” Lainie announces, setting a glass of water on the table in front of Justin. “She’s just going to make sure you’re settling in okay at home, and we can ask her what our expectations should be when we meet with the addiction specialists.”</p><p>“Can you ask her if Charlie and Alex can come?” he asks. “I told them they could see me soon. And I feel okay.”</p><p>Lainie’s smile softens. “Sure, sweetheart. I’ll ask her to bring them along so you guys can hang out,” she promises. “Drink some of that water. We’ll eat dinner after they leave, okay?”</p><p>Satisfied, Justin takes slow sips of water and smiles when Clay walks into the room, setting his things down. “Gonna read me more trig homework?”</p><p>“We both know it’s the only way you’ll ever learn it. You’re not going to take that class,” Clay retorts. “But no, I was just going to sit here and do my homework quietly. Unless you want me to read for you.”</p><p>“No, it’s okay,” Justin says, relaxing back against the pillows. “I’m tired and my head hurts a little. Listening to math would definitely make it worse.”</p><p>Lainie debates stepping in, putting an end to the boys harmless bickering, but stops herself.</p><p>Because for the first time since arriving home Friday afternoon, things feel okay. The bickering bouncing off the walls of the living room, Clay being studious while Justin rests, it all feels like before the attack.</p><p>Before their lives were turned upside down.</p><p>Before they scheduled their days around meals and snacks and medication distribution.</p><p>She takes the glass of water from Justin and sets it on the table within his reach, brushing his hair back from his forehead. “They’ll be here soon. Try to get some rest,” she says, standing up and excusing herself to the kitchen.</p><p>Justin doesn’t even argue anymore, sinking further down against the pillow and closing his eyes, the only sound in the room being from Clay’s pencil and the pages of his textbook flipping back and forth.</p><p>
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</p><p>“Vitals wise, you’re doing really well,” Carolyn smiles, pulling her stethoscope off of her ears. “Your oxygen levels are a little low, but your lungs sound okay, you’re getting up and moving a little bit, and you’re taking all of your medications when you should be. Do you think you can try walking around a little more? Start working on getting your strength back.”</p><p>Shrugging, Justin sighs. “It just hurts more than I thought it would,” he says, thankful that Matt ushered Clay, Alex and Charlie out of the room for a little privacy.</p><p>Carolyn smiles, helping Justin lay down so she could check his incisions. “Justin, you’re accustomed to pain medicine through an IV. IV medications work faster. This was going to be an adjustment, you knew that, but because you have so many injuries the medication needs to help, it’s taking a little more of an adjustment period,” she explains. “You’re not going to want to hear this, but sometimes getting up and moving helps with the pain. It’ll keep you distracted at least.”</p><p>Justin rolls his eyes, groaning when she peels back the bandages just enough to look at his incisions. “They’re so sore.”</p><p>“That’s normal,” she reminds him gently. “They look great, sweetheart. Healing nicely, don’t look infected or concerning,” she says, pulling off the gloves and setting them in her lap. “Can you promise me you’ll try to get up and walk more? See how that feels for your pain?”</p><p>Justin pulls his shirt back down, looking back to her. “Lainie will make me, so yes I will.”</p><p>He receives a sympathetic smile in return. “Give me a few more days with trying this medication schedule and walking more, and then we’ll reevaluate.”</p><p>Justin agrees. “Do you think I’ll be able to move down to the less addictive pain medication? Stuff that isn’t what I was addicted to?”</p><p>Carolyn sits down, sighing. “I think that’ll depend,” she says evenly after a moment, folding her hands in her lap. “Being on a pain medication that’s not an opioid will most likely result in more pain for you that may take longer to lessen, and in many cases with people on your level of injuries, they don’t like to move away from pain medication that helps because it keeps you mobile and functioning to make progress.”</p><p>Justin pulls the blanket back up over his stomach. “I don’t want to risk relapsing,” he mumbles, cheeks flushing. “I would rather a medicine take longer to help me feel better than to get addicted again and have to worry about relapsing fully when I don’t need the medicine anymore.”</p><p>“The pain increasing could make you less motivated to continue to work towards your physical therapy goals,” she reminds him. “And it’s likely your doctors will be worried about adverse effects to your recovery.”</p><p>Justin shakes his head defiantly, chewing on the corner of his lip. “I can’t… the longer I’m on these, the easier it will be for me to relapse. I can’t do that, I don’t want to do that. Please, Mrs. Standall, please help me make a case to get me off of them.”</p><p>Softening, Carolyn reaches out to rub Justin’s arm. “Okay, sweetheart,” she nods, understanding. “Lainie told me you’re meeting with the addiction specialists tomorrow. Do you think you can tell them exactly what you just told me? That you’re worried about relapse and addiction, and you’d like to manage the pain with a lesser medication? I will step in if needed, but I think you need to advocate for yourself, if you’re feeling up to it.”</p><p>Nodding, Justin looks at her. “It’d still be a step up from Tylenol, right?”</p><p>“Right,” she confirms, retracting her hand. “Still a step up, but not as addictive as what you’re on now, and it will help with your pain as you become more mobile.”</p><p>“Okay,” Justin breathes. “I’ll be honest tomorrow about why I want to move off what I’m on now, and that I understand it may make the pain a little worse initially,” he agrees, thanking her as she and Lainie walk into the kitchen, all three boys walking back into the room.</p><p>“Sorry if we’re intruding too much,” Charlie says, sitting down in front of Justin. “Is it nice being home?”</p><p>“I’ve been sleeping a lot,” Justin shrugs. “I like not being attached to any monitors, and nurses don’t wake me up to ask me how I’m feeling.”</p><p>“He’s a little sad right now,” Clay offers, mock annoyance covering his face when Justin lightly hits Clay’s forehead with his hand.</p><p>“‘m not sad. I just need time to get used to the pain.” Opening his eyes, he looks between Alex and Charlie. “And I need help with everything. I can’t even sit up really without someone helping.”</p><p>“It was like that for me, too,” Alex offers. “After I got home, I mean. They celebrated me walking three feet with my cane as if I took my first steps as a baby.”</p><p>“How long did it take you to be normal?” Justin asks, and then shakes his head. “Fuck, you know what I mean. When did it feel like you were more yourself?”</p><p>Alex shrugs. “A few months, maybe,” he sighs. “But Justin, I shot myself in the head. You got your head knocked against the pavement and you’re recovering from being stabbed. They’re a lot different. I’m sure you’ll be able to be independent faster.”</p><p>Justin flinches at Alex’s bluntness. “Yeah, maybe.”</p><p>“Look, it’s super fucking easy to get discouraged. I hated doing any sort of physical therapy or walking around the house or even talking to people because I would lose my train of thought. But you have a lot of people who are willing to come sit with you, or help you with therapy and stuff, if that’s something you would want.”</p><p>Justin nods. “You guys have lives,” he replies weakly. “And I have Matt and Lainie. They know how to help me, even when I don’t know how to explain what I need.”</p><p>“We could learn, you know,” Charlie offers gently. “If you’re willing to let us in — even if it’s just a few of us — you don’t have to rely on Mr. and Mrs. Jensen or even Clay all the time.”</p><p>“You’re going to want to give them and me breaks, we all know that,” Clay mumbles. “But you can’t do this on your own, at least not right now.”</p><p>Alex leans forward. “If you want me to, when you get a little stronger I can help you with what worked for me. How I felt like I was in control of asking for what I needed and not feeling like I was in the way,” he offers. “But I think for right now you need to just let them help and be annoying, at least until you’re adjusted being home.”</p><p>Justin nods. “Okay,” He agrees, a smile on his face. “I’d like that.”</p><p>Reaching into his bag, Charlie pulls out a card made of construction paper. “I’m sure you’re not surprised that none of us are really artistic,” he laughs, handing Justin the card. “But the football team made you a card and signed it. They’re all glad to know you’re out of the hospital, and when you feel up to seeing us, they’ll be excited. We’re definitely missing our captain.”</p><p>Smiling, Justin looks through the notes some of his teammates left for him. “I told Zach maybe I would FaceTime on Friday with you guys before the game,” he mumbles, looking back. “I can’t… I don’t know when I’ll feel up to coming to see you guys in person, and the thought of sitting through a game under the lights and the loud crowd makes my head spin, but maybe I could try to come to a practice or something.”</p><p>“They completely understand it might be a while,” Charlie assures him. “Coach Kerba asked me about coming to see you as well. He gets it if you’re not ready yet, he definitely doesn’t want to overstep.”</p><p>Brightening, Justin pushes himself to sit a little. “I want to see him, if he’s okay with coming here. Maybe you and Zach could come with him tomorrow?”</p><p>Smiling, Charlie nods. “Just text me or Zach if you change your mind or you’re not feeling up to it.”</p><p>Justin agrees, taking the protein shake Lainie brings him as she offers snacks to the rest of the boys. “Justin, if you feel okay, I’m okay with you guys watching a short movie,” she smiles, laughing when Justin agrees and tasks his friends and brother with picking the movie.</p><p>Clay’s strict instructions of nothing scary or annoying or tense lands them on a Pixar movie, where Clay slots into the end of the sofa and allows Justin to rest his feet in his lap, Charlie and Alex sitting on the opposite sofa.</p><p>Clay watches as Justin blinks to stay awake, eventually succumbing to his exhaustion as he slides down the sofa, pressing the pillow back to his side. Noticing Charlie and Alex glancing back, Clay shrugs. “He falls asleep all the time. Want to watch something more exciting?” he asks, shutting off the movie and holding his breath when Justin stirs and then relaxes once more.</p><p>While certainly not the evening Charlie and Alex were accustomed to when hanging out with Justin, it feels oddly perfect. Just being able to be there with him was enough, knowing he was okay, he was making progress, and soon enough the group would feel more complete again was the reassurance they had both needed.</p><p>Clay was just grateful they had a friend group who cared so much, and, even when absolutely terrifying, didn’t waver in their support when his brother needed them the most.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you guys for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! </p><p>Amber returns next week, and they all keep moving forward.</p><p>see you next Friday! :)</p><p>title of the chapter is from Honest by Niall Horan</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. tell me you’ll be here long after the moonlight’s gone</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Justin moves off the heavy pain medication, Bill questions Amber on her involvement, and Matt and Lainie make adjustments with Justin to keep moving forward.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Thursday.</strong>
</p>
<p>Exhausted from his first day of minor physical therapy, Justin presses himself against the side of the sofa in a meeting room of the hospital, Matt’s strong frame beside him for support as they sit through a meeting with his doctors and addiction specialists.</p>
<p>Lainie had taken lead of the conversation, writing down notes in her notepad as Dr. Jacob, Justin’s pediatrician, was walked through Justin’s detailed recovery in the hospital, his medication plan being explained by the addiction specialists.</p>
<p>“We understand your desires to come off the opioids, Justin, however at this time, we’re not sure that’s the best course of action,” Brett, the addiction specialist, announces. Catching Justin’s attention, he looks directly at him. “Your medication dosages have been lowered significantly over your two-week hospitalization, and in order to continue to see progress at home and feel that you are getting stronger and hitting milestones needed to get you back into your normal routine, we don’t believe you should be taken off them and moved to a lesser medication immediately following discharge.”</p>
<p>Pushing himself to sit up straighter, Justin shakes his head. “You don’t understand,” he begins, realizing the way of his words and how they’re most likely a lie. “I am an addict. I was addicted to oxy, to heroin, to any prescription pill you could think about getting your hands on. My parents keep this medication I’m on now locked up, but I don’t - I understand the need to keep me on them to keep moving forward, but after talking with my friend’s mom who’s a nurse, who told me in detail about the pain increase and discomfort I’d most likely experience, I think it would be best for me to deal with that on a lesser pain medication rather than stay on these and risk relapsing.”</p>
<p>There’s a brief moment of silence in the room. Justin shifts, blowing out a breath. “I’m not going to stop working on getting better, or being back to my normal life,” he says quietly. “I want to be back to normal so bad, I just… if it takes longer because I’m on medication that isn’t as effective, that’s okay with me. I just really don’t want to relapse. And the longer I’m on these meds, the closer I get to relapsing.”</p>
<p>“It’s something we would have to seriously consider,” Brett says, glancing at Dr. Jacob. “We understand your concerns with staying on the opioids, Justin, and while we want to give into your wishes of coming off them now, we need to be mindful of your situation and how this would impact your recovery.”</p>
<p>Deflating, Matt glances at his son before stepping in. “Justin has come a long way in both his sobriety and his recovery from the accident,” he begins, looking to Justin as he motions for him to continue. “While we understand Justin is a minor and your major concern is keeping him comfortable so he can continue recovering, we also want to advocate for our son and his wishes for his recovery.”</p>
<p>Leaning forward, Lainie looks around the room. “Would there be an opportunity to have a trial period?” she asks. “We are all taking Justin’s medication dosages and recovery seriously, but at the same time, we want Justin to have a say in how we manage his pain and recovery. If we stepped down to the less addictive pain medication and stayed on the physical therapy schedule we have now, we’d be able to see how his body reacts. With all due respect, he has been on these pain medications for over two weeks, and the likeliness of relapse is only heightening.”</p>
<p>The length between Lainie’s insistence and Dr. Jacob speaking feels like hours. Justin tries to focus on his breathing, chewing on his lip.</p>
<p>“I’m willing to give it a trial period of three weeks,” Dr. Jacob agrees, voice hesitant. “We’d need your vitals monitored closely, your oxygen levels closely communicated, and if we find that it’s adversely affecting your recovery, we go back to the opioids for the short term.”</p>
<p>Justin finds it hard to hide his smile. “Thank you, seriously. You have no idea how much this means to me.”</p>
<p>A smile spreads across Dr. Jacob’s face. “If this doesn’t work out, I don’t want you to be discouraged. We are working closely with your concerns in mind, and we will make sure we get you off of them as quickly as possible.”</p>
<p>Justin thanks him once more, listening to the quiet chatter of new prescriptions and side effects between Dr. Jacob, Matt and Lainie. Dr. Jacob and Brett shake his hand on the way out, leaving just the three of them in the room.</p>
<p>“That went better than expected,” Lainie smiles, standing and moving to sit in the chair on the other side of Justin. “Are you happy about how that went?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Justin shrugs, sinking back against the back of the sofa. “I wish they would’ve just listened to me the first time. I wanted to be able to explain why I needed to change the medication without you guys needing to step in.”</p>
<p>Suppressing a sigh, Lainie reaches forward to rest her hand on Justin’s arm. “I’m sorry that they didn’t believe how strong your need was at first,” she says softly, understanding that her words mean nothing to him in the moment. “We understand how much you want to be able to advocate for yourself, but you know that your dad and I will always back you up when we have these discussions with your care team, yes? As long as we agree with what you’d like to do, we are always going to strongly advocate for the doctors to listen to you.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Justin nods, swallowing roughly. “Can we… I’m really tired.”</p>
<p>Smiling, Matt stands and turns to help Justin up. “Let’s get home then,” he smiles. “You can rest before Clay gets home and wants to hear all about your first day of physical therapy.”</p>
<p>Justin rolls his eyes, a smile crossing his face as Matt helps him stand and they carefully walk through the hospital and back towards the car.</p>
<p>
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</p>
<p>Bill Standall has questioned hundreds of suspects.</p>
<p>He’d questioned people accused of murder, of petty theft, of small crimes that in the grand scheme of things didn’t mean all that much. He had even questioned Montgomery de la Cruz on his string of threats to the kids testifying against Bryce in the Hannah Baker trial - including his threat to his own son when he sent him a target and a gun, the bullet passing through the paper in the silhouette’s head.</p>
<p>But there was a different kind of feeling as he walked into the police department that afternoon, a handful of people waiting to be seen. Quiet chatter floats through the desks, a group of officers huddle over a computer screen in the corner reviewing evidence, and Jenna, their secretary, greets him with a bright smile and a case folder in hand.</p>
<p>“Sheriff Diaz said he’d be along in a bit, but Amber Foley is in room three if you’d like to get the questioning started,” she says as he takes the folder from her hand. “That’s the Seth Massey file for reference. She knows she’s being questioned regarding her knowledge, but she seems almost agitated to be here. Just wanted to give you a heads up.”</p>
<p>“Thank you,” Bill smiles politely. He flips through the file he’s seen plenty of times, pressing it under the crook of his arm and walking down the hall briskly.</p>
<p>Amber is shaking her leg and picking at her skin, her bird-like figure small in the metal chair. “Good afternoon, Ms. Foley,” he smiles, sitting down in the chair across the table. “Before we start, can I get you anything to eat or drink?”</p>
<p>“I’m fine,” she replies dismissively, eyes focused on her hand. “Can we just discuss why I’m here?”</p>
<p>Bill nods, opening the file with ease. “As you may know, Seth Massey attacked Justin a few weeks prior. As we’ve been investigating motives, we’ve discovered that you and Mr. Massey still live together.”</p>
<p>Amber shrugs. “He’s not there all the time.”</p>
<p>“But he has been staying with you recently, yes?”</p>
<p>Amber shifts her gaze, a distant stare looking back at Bill. “He’s been with me for over a year.”</p>
<p>Nodding, Bill writes in his notepad. “Did he give you any sort of sign that he was planning something of this magnitude? Or that he was planning on getting in touch with Justin?”</p>
<p>Amber shifts, resting her hands on the table. “Yeah, he talked about it,” she admits, leaning forward. “When Justin denied visitation, he said he was going to make sure he changed his mind.”</p>
<p>“Did he say how he would do that?”</p>
<p>Falling back to rest against the back of the chair, Amber shakes her head. “He just said he would do whatever it took. I didn’t know he’d fucking stab him, or beat him or whatever he did to him.”</p>
<p>Bill nods, writing. “But you knew that he was planning to do something.”</p>
<p>Amber tosses her hands up in defeat. “Yeah, I guess. I just didn’t think it would be this serious.”</p>
<p>After a brief moment of silence, Amber looks back to Bill. “What the fuck is all of this for? Seth is still in jail, you’ve already charged him, and Justin is alive. Why do you need to ask me more questions? It’s not like you’re investigating a murder.”</p>
<p>Patient, Bill finishes his thought in writing and then turns to look at her once more. “We just want to make sure we have all the information of what happened, Ms. Foley. While I understand your relationship with Justin has been strained over the last few years, I trust that you would want justice to be served after he was wronged.”</p>
<p>Amber shrugs. “I don’t feel much of anything towards Justin,” she admits. “If he doesn’t want to see me, then I’m not going to care about him. He has a nice new rich family who can take care of him.”</p>
<p>There’s a pang in his chest as her words are said with no remorse, fingernails tapping against the table. “Someone will be in to have you sign a few forms. Thank you for your time today, Ms. Foley,” he says, standing and leaving the room without a word.</p>
<p>Diaz is standing just outside, crossing his arms over his chest. “I just caught the last part of that conversation,” he says. “Scary to think that anyone could feel that way over their child, no matter the circumstances.”</p>
<p>Bill sighs, running his hands through his hair. “Her reaction isn’t unexpected if you knew their story,” he sighs. “Justin is in a much better place with the Jensens. That’s something you don’t have to worry about.”</p>
<p>A wary smile flashes across Sheriff Diaz’s face, his hand resting on Bill’s shoulder. “I’ll get the forms and let her go, you go file the report,” he offers, leaving Bill with the files as he slips past him, walking back into the questioning room with the required forms.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>The Jensens demeanor reminds Bill of how he and Carolyn felt in the days following Alex’s discharge from the hospital.</p>
<p>It was evident sleep had been evading them, and even now, as they sit in the kitchen sipping tea, Carolyn speaking idly about the new medications Justin was being put on, Bill could sense that Lainie’s mind was firmly on the boy who slept in Matt’s office at the front of the house.</p>
<p>He just barely has time to register that they’re all looking at him, shaking his head and composing himself. “There was nothing more that I really gained from my conversation with Amber,” he replies regretfully. “She did admit that she knew Seth was planning an attack, that he would do whatever it took to make Justin change his mind on the visitation. She admitted that she didn’t think it would be this serious, but she knew something was going to happen.”</p>
<p>Lainie deflates for a moment. “Is that enough to charge her as well?” she asks, folding her hands together. “Or perhaps we could get her to flip and testify against Seth. I don’t think it’s a huge secret there’s been abuse in their home, and I think Justin, even with a currently spotty memory, would be able to speak to that.”</p>
<p>Bill sighs. “If it were my case, I would think it would be enough to charge her as well, yes,” he nods, hesitating. “She had also expressed no remorse for her knowledge of the attack. I told her that we were simply questioning to ensure that justice would be served on behalf of Justin, and that I assumed she would agree that this was necessary for her biological son. She shook her head immediately and said she feels nothing towards Justin. I don’t - unfortunately, getting Amber to flip to testify against Seth seems highly unlikely.”</p>
<p>Lainie’s head bows, Carolyn’s hand moving to rest on top of hers. “As hard or as wrong as it may be, let’s think about the positives,” she tries, empathy laced through her words. “Justin is doing well, he’s being moved off of less addictive medications, and Seth will still be charged.”</p>
<p>Lainie, wet eyes and a trembling lip, looks back to Carolyn. “Have you ever just felt so helpless?” she asks softly, Matt’s hand resting firmly on her back. “It seems that at every turn in this recovery we reach a roadblock. And while I know Justin doesn’t know about Amber’s involvement, I can’t help but think about what will happen when he does find out,” she shakes her head, sighing. “He cares for her so much, and knowing that she feels no remorse, that she has no feelings towards him, I just… it’s going to crush him.”</p>
<p>For a moment, Carolyn holds solace in the fact that she can squeeze Lainie’s hand and remind her that she’s there. “I don’t pretend to know what you’re going through,” she begins, her careful words quiet through the house. “But Lainie, it has never been more evident to me that Justin needed to be with you guys. The love you have for him, the unwavering support, it’s nothing like anything he’s ever had.”</p>
<p>“He may be crushed by his mother’s feelings and actions towards him. He may get angry or lash out as a result of his mother’s words, but that doesn’t mean that he loves you guys any less,” she continues, squeezing Lainie’s hand. Glancing at Matt, she smiles. “He loves all of you more than he’s ever able to express. It’s evident in the way he is with all of you. How he trusts you so deeply. He’s never been like this prior to joining your family. He used to be so guarded, so cautious to trust or love or even get attached to anyone or anything. But he’s not like that with you. He’s happier, he’s free, and it’s because of all of you.”</p>
<p>Matt thanks her quietly, sighing. “I guess we’re just beginning to wonder how we keep getting him through these heartbreaks.”</p>
<p>“The same way you always have,” Carolyn nods, smiling. “He knows he has a safe place. Let him be angry, let him be upset. But there is no one better to get him through this than you guys.”</p>
<p>With a sliver of hope in her heart and an ease that Lainie can’t remember having, she wipes her eyes and nods, thanking Carolyn quietly. “I guess all we can keep doing is showing up and never wavering. Just remind him how much we love him, and how we won’t ever make him go through anything like this alone.”</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>Clay really didn’t mean to eavesdrop on the conversation his parents and the Standalls were having in the kitchen.</p>
<p>He drops his bag, glancing in Matt’s office quietly to find Justin asleep, arm draped over the pillow and his eyebrows slightly creased. Hesitating, he decides against walking in and checking on Justin, not wanting to risk waking him up.</p>
<p>As he walks back towards the kitchen to announce his presence and interrogate his parents on Justin’s physical therapy and appointment with the addiction specialists, he can hear the quiet chatter between the four parents as they sit around the kitchen table.</p>
<p>He’s missed key parts of the conversation, but gathers enough to know that there was some kind of questioning with Amber where she expressed no love towards Justin. It’s obviously not entirely what happened, but in Clay’s mind, it’s enough.</p>
<p>It’s not that he’s snooped on his brother’s conversations. If Justin pressed him on it, he would’ve expressed that they share a room and it’s inevitable that Clay would hear what he’s talking about or who he’s talking to. But right now, he’s using it to his advantage.</p>
<p>Grabbing his keys from where he tossed them on the dining room table on his way in, Clay quietly creeps out of the house and back down to the curb where he parked the Prius, driving through the familiar roads of Evergreen and back across town to the discount grocery store Amber where had managed to find a job.</p>
<p>Realizing he hadn’t completely thought his process through, he snakes through the aisles with vague awareness to act like he was looking for something, relief washing over him when he finds Amber in the middle of the rice aisle restocking the shelves. Taking a breath, he walks up to her, stopping just short of the cart filled with products she had left to place on the shelves.</p>
<p>“I hope you know how much Justin loves and cares for you,” he announces quietly, mindful of the older man further down the aisle.</p>
<p>Amber turns, looking up at him. For a moment her stare is vacant, and then she seems to understand who Clay is. “He doesn’t give a fuck about me.”</p>
<p>“He does,” Clay reiterates, crossing his arms over his chest protectively. “He cares about you far more than you deserve. He worries if you’re clean, or if you’ve overdosed again, or if Seth hurt you in any way. He asks if there’s a way we can find out all the time.”</p>
<p>Amber stands, grabbing more boxes to continue shelving. “If he cared so much, he would want to see me.”</p>
<p>“He can’t risk his sobriety,” Clay replies. “He doesn’t want to risk his sobriety. And being around you, being back where you live, it makes him worry he’s going to relapse.”</p>
<p>“He doesn’t want to see me no matter where he is.”</p>
<p>Clay shrugs, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “He’s not ready to see you. And I’m sorry that that is so hard to handle, and I’m sorry that no one can make him be ready to see you any faster,” he says. “Justin is doing his best, even through all of this. Maybe one day he’ll be ready to see you, and I hope that if that day comes you’ll have it in you to see that Justin was choosing to advocate for what he needed and not trying to make other people happy.”</p>
<p>Clay turns to leave, hesitating before turning back. “In case no one has told you, Justin is doing well. He’s gaining his strength back, he’s working hard, and what Seth did to him won’t define him for the rest of his life. I just hope you can live with yourself knowing that your boyfriend nearly killed your biological son.”</p>
<p>He turns and leaves without another word, stopping and picking up Justin’s favorite jello and pudding as a surprise in hopes that it makes him a little happier.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>Lainie doesn’t think twice about Clay announcing that he was back home, setting a plastic bag down on the table she had been cleaning after spending over an hour with the Standalls.</p>
<p>“I decided to stop on my way home and get Justin more jello and pudding. I figured he deserved it since he had physical therapy today,” he says, pulling the treats from the bag and moving towards the fridge. “How did it go?”</p>
<p>Lainie smiles, looking back to her son. “He’ll be excited about that,” she promises. “His physical therapy went well, and we were able to convince the doctors to at least give him a trial period on lowering his medications to something that isn’t as addictive. We’re tapering off the opioids now, and he’ll start the new medication tomorrow.”</p>
<p>Clay nods, turning and leaning back against the counter. “That’s good,” he says. “Is he scared?”</p>
<p>Lainie wipes off the dishes and places them in the dishwasher, sighing. “You know how he is,” she says, gesturing thinly before moving back to continue washing the last of the dishes. “He seems fine. He’s happy that he’s being taken off what his addiction is centered around, but I think he’s nervous that the pain will be too unbearable.”</p>
<p>“What do we do if it is?”</p>
<p>“We either up the dosage of the new medication, or we go back to the opioids,” she explains simply. “But Clay, that’s not something you have to worry about. We will be open and honest as usual, but your father and I will handle how we’re going to navigate his pain management. You just need to be there for him right now. Just be his brother, be the one he can confide in. We’ll take care of everything else.”</p>
<p>Clay hesitates, and for a moment Lainie braces herself for an argument between her and her son. But it’s like a switch flips and he closes his mouth, nodding. “Can I go see him?”</p>
<p>“Did you go to the market all the way across town just to get food this afternoon?” Matt asks before Lainie can answer, holding the plastic bag in his hand. “I thought you said you just stopped quickly, and Justin and I didn’t get home much before you.”</p>
<p>Furrowing her brow, Lainie shuts the water off and turns back. “No, I just stopped at the Walplex on my way home. No use in going across town, and we don’t shop there normally anyway,” she explains, turning to Clay. “Clay, why did you go all the way across town? You could’ve stopped at any market on the way home, Justin eats very simple foods that you can find anywhere.”</p>
<p>Clay stands, dumbfounded. “I don’t… I was just driving around, I didn’t really think about getting Justin anything until I saw the store.”</p>
<p>The silence in the room is deafening, and as Clay plans to grab a snack and slip away to check on Justin, he watches the realization dawn on his father’s face. “Clay, did you go to the market across town because Amber works there?”</p>
<p>His head falls, a lie that would normally tumble out of his lips stuck on his tongue.</p>
<p>“Clay, why would you do that?” Lainie asks. “Why would you go see Amber?”</p>
<p>Clay takes a breath, shrugging. “I heard you guys talking about her when the Standalls were over. You didn’t hear me come in, but I figured something had happened with her when you all were talking about her and I wanted to see her for myself. See what she had to say.”</p>
<p>Matt and Lainie exchange a look, sighing. “Sit down, Clay,” Matt instructs, voice firm and non-negotiable. Clay obliges, sitting down at the table as Lainie dries off her hands and moves to join them. “We haven’t told Justin about this yet, and we’d like to keep it that way for now. Do you think you can handle that?”</p>
<p>“Sure,” Clay nods, folding his hands together on the table. “What’s going on?”</p>
<p>Matt looks to his wife, taking a breath. “I went to see Amber last week. I met up with her to see if she knew why Seth would do this, or if there was any more information she had that maybe Seth didn’t give to the police. It turned out that she knew Seth was planning to do something, which can be classed as a crime in California.”</p>
<p>Leaning forward, Lainie takes the conversation. “We had her brought in for questioning, and she told Mr. Standall that she doesn’t feel much of anything towards Justin, and she isn’t worried about what Seth did to him.”</p>
<p>Clay deflates, sinking into the seat. “I don’t think we should ever tell him about this,” he decides, looking up to both of his parents. “He loves her so much. He cares about her more than he should. What will it feel like if he hears that she doesn’t care about him?”</p>
<p>Reaching over, Matt rests a strong hand on top of Clay’s. “We’re more worried about dealing with the possible outcome of Amber being arrested,” he admits quietly. “Buddy, there’s a high chance her interview today will be enough to charge her in aiding and abetting. She admitted to knowing Seth was planning something, and she did nothing to stop or report her. And even though we can hide how she feels about him, we cannot hide the fact that she’s been arrested.”</p>
<p>Clay nods. “He’s already… his mental health isn’t great. How is it going to handle that?”</p>
<p>“We’re going to work with Dr. Ellman closely in managing how to best tell Justin if we have to,” Lainie promises. “He’s going to therapy regularly again, and we’ll be sure to monitor closely how he’s feeling.”</p>
<p>“Clay, he confides and trusts in you more than anyone,” Matt reminds him. “It’s likely that if we are the ones to tell him, he’ll shut us out, at least briefly. Making sure he has an understanding that he has an open communication with all of us is something you can do. He can always talk to Mom and I, no matter how angry or upset he may be.”</p>
<p>They can hear stirring down the hall and Lainie stands. “You stay here and process a little bit, ask your dad any questions that you have. In a few minutes you can come bring him a snack and hang out if he’s feeling up to it, okay?” she smiles, kissing the top of his head and disappearing out of the room.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>In the three days since they’ve been home, Lainie’s come to expect certain mannerisms from Justin when she checks on him throughout the day.</p>
<p>Usually, he’s confused. Asking questions that he knows and forgets the answer to, or, when things are really bad, asking what happened and why he’s not sleeping in his own bed.</p>
<p>Sometimes he’s upbeat, a hand already extended to help him out of bed, requests to walk around outside or get to work on his physical therapy exercises tumbling out of his mouth at warp speed, always with a bright smile plastered on his face.</p>
<p>Occasionally he complains of the pain. His head causes a blinding migraine, words stagnant and sentences clipped. A handful of times she’s found him grabbing at his stomach, a stark reminder of the consequences of delaying medication doses in favor of a nap he had been needing since that morning.</p>
<p>But this afternoon as she walks in she finds Justin in the middle of a panic attack, his already fragile breathing quick and uneven as he looks at her with wide eyes.</p>
<p>Crossing the room with a feverish pace, Lainie hesitates before taking his hand, allowing him to squeeze. “I need you to try to match my breathing, love,” she says quietly, free hand reaching for the water bottle on the bedside table. “You’re okay, you’re safe. All of us are home and all the doors are locked. We can go look at them all when you’re feeling better.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, shaking fingers gripping her hand as he allows her to help him take a sip, leaning back against the pillows when he’s no longer strong enough to hold his own weight. “Sorry,” he mumbles, hand still grasped in hers as her free hand holds his.</p>
<p>“Nothing to be sorry for,” she promises, voice calm and patient. “Want to talk about what made you panic?”</p>
<p>Firmly taking another sip of water, Justin shrugs. “I don’t know why,” he says, looking back to her. “I was sleeping, and I woke up and I think maybe I just forgot where I was or something.”</p>
<p>It doesn’t feel right when he says it, but hesitant to accuse him of lying, Lainie nods and presses her hand to the back of his forehead, a habit she can’t quite let go of. “You okay with me checking your oxygen levels?” she asks, waiting for his confirmation before placing the monitor to his finger. “You’re doing okay, all things considered. You can have more pain medication in about an hour, okay?”</p>
<p>“Okay,” he agrees quietly. Blinking, he turns. “Is Clay home?”</p>
<p>“You miss me?” Clay answers, appearing in the doorway with a smile. “I stopped and got you the jello and pudding you like since we ran out. Wanna try some?”</p>
<p>Sitting up carefully, Justin smiles. “Will you eat whichever one I don’t want?”</p>
<p>Clay walks in, squeezing himself to lay beside Justin. “Sure, you pick first.”</p>
<p>Satisfied that her boys are happy and having a good time, Lainie slips out of the room, leaving the door cracked just in case either of them need anything.</p>
<p>
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    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Friday.</strong>
</p>
<p>In an ideal world, switching over medication would go smoothly. Lainie would be able to taper off the last of the heavy opioids from Justin’s system and hand him his new medication with ease as it works instantaneously.</p>
<p>In a perfect world, the new medication wouldn’t hinder Justin’s newfound motivation since being home from the hospital, allowing him to still get up and ask to walk or work on his physical therapy.</p>
<p>But what has become evident to the Jensens in the last two and a half weeks is that they do not live in a perfect world, or even an ideal world. They do not live in a world that believes in giving breaks to people who deserve it the most, who have been through enough in their lifetimes.</p>
<p>The medication change is welcomed with open arms, but just before lunch Justin is still firmly in bed, curled under the blankets with his face screwed up in pain denying anything Lainie can think to give him that she thinks would help.</p>
<p>“Just need to adjust to it,” he mumbles for the fourth time, hand reaching blindly for Lainie, landing on her arm.</p>
<p>Lainie, who had allowed this to go on all morning, sighs. “Sweetheart, I don’t like seeing you in this much pain,” she says quietly, fingers running through his hair. “Are you absolutely sure you want to keep going with this?”</p>
<p>Nodding quickly, Justin winces. “Don’t want to stop,” he says quietly. “It’s just an adjustment.”</p>
<p>“Justin,” Lainie sighs, the urge to put an end to it left on the tip of her tongue. She moves to lay next to him carefully. “We’re giving it a few more hours, and if there’s absolutely no change, we’re going to call the doctors and get a recommendation.”</p>
<p>Justin doesn’t answer, instead his head pressing clumsily to her shoulder. “I thought I’d feel better by now.”</p>
<p>“Your body is recovering from a lot,” she reminds him gently. “What hurts the most?”</p>
<p>“Dunno,” Justin mumbles. “The big scar, I think. But my head is… it’s pretty bad.”</p>
<p>Lainie takes a breath. “Let’s try ice for your belly.”</p>
<p>“Didn’t help,” he argues, shaking his head. “I can… I can fall asleep. Just stay with me, please?”</p>
<p>“Of course, my love. Just rest,” she promises, relaxing as she rubs his arm, feeling him slowly fall asleep on her shoulder.</p>
<p>Matt stands in the doorway, a mixture of content and worry etched on his face. He crosses his arms over his chest, chewing on the inside of his lip. “I think we should ask Clay to come home early.”</p>
<p>“No,” Lainie replies firmly, shaking her head. “We’re his parents, Matt. We need to be able to get him through this.”</p>
<p>“Lain,” Matt sighs, stepping into the room. Carefully untangling Justin from Lainie, he helps her stand up so they don’t wake their son. “I agree, we should be able to do this together. But right now he’s in pain and he doesn’t want to try anything between doses. If he’s not going to listen to us, then maybe we need to try to get him to listen to Clay.”</p>
<p>Closing the door just enough that any noise won’t disturb Justin, Lainie shakes her head firmly. “Clay gets out of school in two hours. Justin can have another pill around the same time. We can get him through this period.”</p>
<p>Matt hesitates, staring at her for a moment. There’s dark circles under his eyes, a firm indication of how they’ve all been feeling. “If he wakes up before Clay gets home,” he begins, blowing out a breath, “we’re being firm on using ice to help with the pain. He doesn’t get to decide this time, because it has been working, even if he says it hasn’t. He told us before it was working.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Lainie whispers. “We will not give him a choice if he wakes up in pain. He uses the ice, we manage the pain as best we can, and we pray that we can make it to his next dosage.”</p>
<p>Matt relaxes his shoulder only slightly, nodding as he leans forward to kiss her temple. “We will get through this. Justin is going to be okay.”</p>
<p>Lainie’s doing her best to believe that.</p>
<p>
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    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Saturday.</strong>
</p>
<p>Lainie is not the type that likes to admit defeat. Priding herself in finding a solution to situations she finds herself in, admitting that she doesn’t know how to get out of something is a pill she’d rather not swallow.</p>
<p>But on Saturday morning as the sun rises and casts a glow across Matt’s office and across Justin’s bed, Lainie finds herself admitting that Clay, who’s squeezed onto the edge of the bed beside his brother, knew how to help Justin better than she did.</p>
<p>She feels guilty for only getting up to check on the boys twice that night, Matt taking care of giving Justin his medication just after two and getting up one other time to check on them. She feels guilty for how rested she feels despite the interrupted sleep while knowing that Justin is still in a world of pain and too proud to admit it.</p>
<p>She feels guilty that they had to turn to Clay the minute he returned home from school, who took the responsibility with ease as he planted himself on Justin’s bed, talking to him quietly and reading him group chats and books Matt had laying around in between doses to distract him from the pain.</p>
<p>Clay was the one to get Justin to use ice on his stomach between medication doses. Clay was the one to convince Justin to eat some broth and even jello, taking to spoon feeding him when Justin grew more tired from the most physical activity he had done all day. Clay was the one to convince Justin to walk to the kitchen and then back to step out onto the front step, feeling the fresh air on his face for a few minutes as he leaned against his brother.</p>
<p>The entire evening was a mixture of pride and heartbreak for Lainie, who stood in the shower that evening and allowed herself to weep as they worked through their most difficult moments since arriving home a few days before.</p>
<p>But now, as the sun rises on a new day and she stands in the doorway watching both of her sons sleep peacefully, she’s determined to be better than she was the day before. To shoulder the responsibility of helping Justin, just as she promised she would to Clay all along.</p>
<p>“Come eat now before they wake up,” Matt whispers, hand resting softly on her shoulder as he appears behind them. “Justin’s still wearing the monitor, it will alert us if he’s not getting enough oxygen. They’re both sleeping comfortably, Justin can have his medication in just over an hour. Let’s take advantage of the quiet morning.”</p>
<p>Reluctantly, Lainie agrees, following her husband to the kitchen and turning on the kettle for tea.</p>
<p>“I need today to be better,” she announces as she pours out the water carefully, Matt beside her making eggs for the both of them. “I need Clay to not have to shoulder the responsibility of taking care of his brother. I need Justin to adjust a little better and want to get out of bed and move around without bribing. I just… I need our family to get a break.”</p>
<p>Matt sets out two plates, nodding. “We’re due for a break,” he agrees. “We will take most of the control back from Clay, but if he’s the one that Justin responds to the best, then I think we need to allow it to happen. I think right now, despite what we’ve said and mapped out for Justin’s care and recovery, we need to just do whatever Justin responds to best. At least for the next few days while we get him through this.”</p>
<p>Pulling her bottom lip between her teeth, Lainie relents and nods. “Whatever we need to do to get him through this adjustment is what we’re doing,” she agrees firmly, taking a bite of her breakfast as her husband sits across from her.</p>
<p>
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    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>Justin wakes up with the faintest bit of energy, using most of it to walk beside Clay as they arrive in the kitchen for breakfast. “Honey, we could’ve brought what you wanted to you,” Lainie reminds him, standing and unlocking his medication while Matt begins making oatmeal at Justin’s request.</p>
<p>Justin shrugs, repositioning the pillow around his middle. “Wanted to get out of bed. I feel… I don’t feel as bad as yesterday,” he decides, words careful as he squints.</p>
<p>Without being asked, Clay stands and draws the curtains on the back door. “Justin asked if we could sit outside after breakfast.”</p>
<p>“I’ll wear sunglasses since my head hurts, and it’s only for a little bit. I just… I can’t sit in here anymore,” Justin counters.</p>
<p>Lainie smiles, setting the medication and water in front of him. “Of course we can. Let’s get something in you and give you your medication, and then we can go sit outside. You feel okay to do the steps?”</p>
<p>Justin nods, grabbing his spoon when Matt sets out the oatmeal. “Clay said he’d help.”</p>
<p>“You know we’ll help too if you need it, yes?” Matt asks, busying himself by cleaning the kitchen so the attention isn’t solely on Justin.</p>
<p>Justin nods around a spoonful, looking back. “Clay just said he wants to help.”</p>
<p>“And that’s fine, we just want to be sure you’re aware,” Matt promises, loading the dishwasher with ease.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>Lainie doesn’t know what she finds so emotional about Justin sitting on the lounge chair on the back patio, the nearly completed outhouse in front of him.</p>
<p>His head is tipped back, sunglasses covering his eyes and the pillow he had grown to carry everywhere pressed to his stomach. Clay is in the lounge chair beside him, homework spread out in front of him as his eyes glance to his brother every few minutes. Matt joined the boys, sitting at the patio table grading papers.</p>
<p>Lainie had promised to join them, taking a minute to change the sheets on Justin’s bed downstairs and throw in some laundry before standing at the back door with a protein shake for Justin in hand. As she looks before her, she isn’t sure how she makes it outside without making it obvious that she stood in the doorway with tears in her eyes because her youngest son did the mundane task of walking down a few steps and laying on a chair.</p>
<p>If you would’ve asked her last night if this was possible, she would’ve said no. She prepared herself for another day of making it between doses, managing pain and milestones and doing whatever needed to get Justin through the day. While they were still a long ways off from where they were when Justin was on the opioids, this feels like a step in the right direction. Being out of bed, walking around and sitting outside, feels like progress.</p>
<p>It also feels like hanging on a ledge, one wrong move sending them spiraling forwards and off the edge, a dangerous free-fall with an unpredictable ending.</p>
<p>But for now, Lainie is going to step out onto the ledge. She’s going to let her feet dangle, the feeling of nervousness and excitement whirring behind her ribcage, and she’s going to live in the moment.</p>
<p>Taking a brief moment to collect herself, Lainie steps outside and hands Justin his protein shake with a kiss to his head, joining Matt at the table to read her book as the birds chirp and the sun casts shadows through the trees and soak in a passing moment in time where it doesn’t feel like their world is in chaos around them.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Sunday.</strong>
</p>
<p>In the brief meeting Justin had with Dr. Ellman - a preview to a full session just so Dr. Ellman could establish a baseline - he had mentioned to Justin one thing to work on.</p>
<p>“I want you to try to be honest with Matt and Lainie about the difficulties you’ve told me about with being honest with your pain and being cared for. You don’t have to share everything by any means, at least not until you’re ready, but think of a starting point you’re willing to begin with. And then we can discuss from there next week as we begin to process your thoughts and feelings from this, okay?”</p>
<p>Justin had agreed, and then, when he felt like his brain gave him enough space to think, tried to decide why he had such a hard time accepting help, and how much of his past he wanted to talk about right now.</p>
<p>He had assumed they knew most of it. Keenly aware that they had his CPS file to look through, Justin knew they at least knew the basics of the abuse he had been subjected to throughout his life.</p>
<p>He didn’t know where to draw the line. He didn’t know how to be honest without saying everything. And it’s not that he didn’t trust them - he definitely does - he’s just more worried that them hearing it all, knowing what he’s been through, will be the final straw.</p>
<p>That they’ll hear that and they won’t want to be his parents anymore.</p>
<p>Before losing the courage to follow through on his promise, Justin asks to talk to Matt and Lainie alone. It’s not that he thinks Dr. Ellman would be mad about Clay also being there, but thinking about having him hear everything, knowing why Justin finds it so hard to trust anyone completely besides Clay, isn’t something that he’s ready for.</p>
<p>Justin does notice the hurt on Clay’s face, who quickly recovers with a quick smile and a nod in agreement, mumbling something about going upstairs to keep packing his things in preparation to move to the outhouse when it’s done in a little over a week.</p>
<p>He allows Lainie to help him sit up a little better, propped up by pillows because he’s lost all strength in his core and knows he’s going to need to take his time to learn to build it up again.</p>
<p>“When I met with Dr. Ellman last week, he told me to just talk to you guys about why I think it’s hard to be honest about the pain and you guys taking care of me,” he begins, picking at the piece of paper Dr. Ellman had written on so Justin didn’t have to try to remember what his task was. “I don’t… it’s hard for me to think about it sometimes, but I want to be able to get it out now.”</p>
<p>Matt and Lainie sit across from him in the living room on the chairs, both nodding. “Take your time, love,” Lainie encourages.</p>
<p>Nodding, Justin leans back and gives himself a moment to gather his thoughts. The Jensens had always stressed taking his time - working on summer school work so he could catch up on what he missed during his time in Oakland, explaining why he broke one of the few rules they had for the boys, asking for something that he wanted - but the reassurance had never felt right to him.</p>
<p>In the past, he had been forced to give excuses or explain his reasoning to his mom or her boyfriends, and now. Now he didn’t have to rush. He could take a step back, shake his head, and say he needed time to think.</p>
<p>He doesn’t know when he’ll feel used to it.</p>
<p>“I used to get hurt a lot, when I was younger,” he begins, eyes going from their gaze to stare vacantly at the wall. “Sometimes it was because of my mom or her boyfriends, and then other times it was because I really was clumsy and would get hurt at football or basketball. But my mom… if I said how much it hurt, she would tell me that everyone gets hurt and I didn’t need to be so whiny about it.”</p>
<p>“When the injury would be really bad, like broken ribs or a broken arm or whatever, I knew better than to complain about the pain. My mom’s boyfriends would take the medication I was prescribed and sell it, and if I would ask if I could have one because it hurt, they would tell me I was being a pussy and real boys wouldn’t cry about the pain. That it wasn’t bad and I needed to just suck it up.”</p>
<p>He takes a deep breath, shifting uncomfortably. “It’s not that I’m intentionally lying about the pain. I just… any time I would talk about the pain before it just ended in me getting hurt worse or told I wasn’t being strong enough,” he explains, looking up. “And I <em>know</em> you wouldn’t treat me like that. I know that I can be as honest as I need to be and you will never tell me I’m being dramatic or whatever, but I’ve never been able to say anything like that. I’ve never been able to talk about the pain without worrying that it would somehow get worse.”</p>
<p>Matt and Lainie let a moment pass before speaking. “While we’re grateful that you understand you can be brutally honest with us with your pain, Justin, we want to help you in any way that we can,” Matt says. “Is there anything that you can think of that would help you?”</p>
<p>Squeezing his eyes shut, Justin shakes his head. “I… you won’t like what I think will help.”</p>
<p>“Try us,” Matt says easily, a smile on his face.</p>
<p>Justin takes a moment, surveying the situation, and then nods. “I - you know how sometimes when I don’t want to do things Clay is just sort of mean about it? He just tells me to suck it up and do it, or take the help, or be honest about whatever he knows I’m lying about? I don’t… I know you always tell him to be nice and not be so mean about how he approaches things, but I sort of need that.”</p>
<p>Lainie’s smile falters for a split second. “Sweetheart, that’s not - I’m not sure that’s how we should handle it.”</p>
<p>“I know it’s wrong, and I’ll bring it up with Dr. Ellman to work on other ways,” he argues immediately, taking a breath. “I just know that I say outrageous things like ice doesn’t help when I’m in pain or I don’t need the pain medication or I can’t walk. So maybe… maybe if you don’t want to be mean about things, maybe you could just sort of take the option away if I keep refusing?”</p>
<p>Sharing a glance, Matt turns back to Justin first. “We will give you the option to have the medication or ice or whatever else it is that you’re refusing three times. On the fourth time, if you still refuse but your mom and I believe that it’s in your best interest to do what we’re suggesting, then we will make you do it,” he offers. “Does that seem fair?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Justin breathes, relaxing. “Thank you.”</p>
<p>“You understand that we never want you to feel like you don't get a say in this family. Your thoughts and wants are absolutely taken into consideration,” Lainie explains. “But sometimes we need to take your needs into consideration. To keep helping you get better, we need to make the decisions we feel are best.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, fiddling with the paper in his hands. “I get it. And I trust you guys, and I won’t be mad if you make me do something. At least not after a while.”</p>
<p>Matt and Lainie smile, Lainie folding her hands in her lap. “What did you want to talk about about being cared for?” she asks, reminding him. “If you’d like to have that discussion later, we absolutely can, my love.”</p>
<p>“No, I want to do it now,” Justin says after a brief pause, shifting slowly. “I mean, I know you’ve read my CPS file. I know that you know my mom wasn’t a great mom. So you can probably guess that her taking care of me wasn’t really high on her list.”</p>
<p>“Even on good days she didn’t ask me how school was, or if I finished my homework, or even if I ate dinner or whatever. And when I was sick or hurt from one of her boyfriends, she didn’t stay with me or do something to make me feel better. I was lucky if she gave me medicine to at least make it easier to sleep, but she never stuck around.”</p>
<p>He pauses, looking up at them. “I’m not used to someone sleeping in the chair next to me while I’m in the hospital, or staying with me when I don’t feel good. I’m not used to even getting medicine to help make things easier when something is bothering me. So being comfortable with it all, feeling like I deserve it, I’m working on making it feel easier. I’m working on trying to just accept that I don’t need to do anything to deserve your love or care. I’m like… I just deserve to have it with no other questions asked.”</p>
<p>Standing, Lainie comes to sit beside him. “We do know a little bit of what your life was like before joining our family,” she nods, fingers twisting her bracelet delicately. “We understand that this all may be foreign for you, and while we want to respect your boundaries, we don’t ever want you to feel like you’re alone. If you’d rather us just be in the room but not near you, we can make that happen. If you want us to lay with you like we have been, or sit and hold your hand, or comfort you in any way you can think of, then we need you to tell us, okay? We want to do whatever you can to make sure you feel comfortable.”</p>
<p>Nodding, Justin hesitates before leaning against her side, ignoring the pull in his stomach. “I like… I like when you guys hold my hand or lay with me or play with my hair,” he says quietly. “I like when you guys talk quietly when I’m in pain and remind me that you’re there. But if it’s too much, if I need some space, I will tell you.”</p>
<p>“We won’t be mad, if that’s what worries you,” Matt smiles. “We want you to feel comfortable in whatever capacity that may be. If you need us to sit as far across the room as humanly possible and just talk so you know we’re still there, we won’t be upset.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Justin nods, allowing Lainie to help him readjust. The worry disappears from his shoulders as he relaxes slowly. “Can someone help me upstairs so I can watch Clay stress out about packing like he’s not just moving to the outhouse in the backyard?”</p>
<p>Matt laughs, standing. “Come on, kiddo. Let’s go conquer the steps.”</p>
<p>Lainie watches, listening to her husband’s encouragement and gentle reaffirmations that Justin can do it despite his weak protests that he can’t, sinking back against the back of the sofa.</p>
<p>It feels like real progress. Progress she can work with. Progress that means more than she ever thought it would.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you guys for reading/commenting/leaving kudos :)</p>
<p>next week will have more visitors (including Kerba!) </p>
<p>see you next week :)</p>
<p>title of the chapter is from Moonlight by Johnnyswim</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. I've been holding onto hope</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Matt and Lainie talk to Justin about Amber, Kerba visits, Justin talks through things in therapy, and Clay and Justin make plans for the future</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Monday.</strong>
</p><p>Maybe he was in the minority, but Matt enjoyed Mondays.</p><p>He enjoyed the fresh start to the week, a prospect of new lesson plans, classes and possibilities as to what could lie ahead. He’s always been like this, yearning for new weeks of wonder and amazement since he was a little boy.</p><p>But for the first time in years, he thinks he isn’t feeling as optimistic on a Monday when he comes downstairs to see his wife sitting at the table, lips pulled between her teeth as the tea kettle nearly boils over.</p><p>“I got a call from Marcus,” she says quietly as Matt greets her, moving to shut off the burner the kettle rests on. “They put a warrant out for Amber’s arrest. They’re going to formally charge her with aiding and abetting today.”</p><p>Matt wilts, dropping his head. “Fuck,” he whispers, pressing his hands to the counter. “How are we -”</p><p>“I don’t know,” Lainie answers before he finishes, shaking her head. “He was so honest yesterday. He opened up, he talked about how hard it is for him. How do we break his heart today?”</p><p>Out of reflex, Matt pours himself coffee and Lainie’s tea. “Do we wait until she’s officially arrested?”</p><p>“No,” Lainie replies immediately, accepting her mug. “We need to tell him as early as possible. We need to give him as much time to process this and talk to us, and we need to not spring this on him. He doesn’t even know she was questioned. He doesn’t know that she was in on it, that she knew something was going to happen.”</p><p>Matt taps his fingers against the table. “So we tell him when he wakes up, we keep the lines of communication open today, and we encourage him to talk about it tomorrow with Dr. Ellman.”</p><p>Lainie nods, bringing her mug up to her lips. Blowing out a slow breath, she sinks back in her chair. “This has to get better soon. We can’t… this has to turn.”</p><p>“I know,” Matt nods, extending his hand across the table. Interlacing his fingers with hers, he squeezes gently.</p><p>“What’s going on?” Clay enters cautiously, peering back at the table as he moves to make his own breakfast.</p><p>Matt sighs. “They’ve put a warrant out for Amber’s arrest. She’ll most likely be taken into custody today.”</p><p>Sliding into his seat at the table, Clay pushes his spoon through his Cheerios. “You’re gonna tell him, right?” he asks, taking a bite. “I get not wanting to tell him everything because his head is so bad sometimes, but he loves her. You can’t hide this from him, it’ll only make him more upset.”</p><p>“Please don’t talk with your mouth full,” Lainie sighs. “We are going to tell him this morning and encourage him to talk to us or you. He sees Dr. Ellman tomorrow, and hopefully he’ll also discuss how he’s feeling then.”</p><p>Clay nods, wiping his chin with his thumb. “I’ll talk to him when I get home, too,” he promises, finishing his bowl of cereal. “Let me know if I need to come home.”</p><p>He leaves with a quick goodbye, Matt finishing his coffee as he goes to make both of them breakfast.</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>Justin wakes up feeling better than he had in days.</p><p>Finding the strength to at least push up to be propped up on his elbows, he’s stopped by Matt, who catches the scene from the parted door on his way back upstairs.</p><p>“You’re awake,” he smiles, pushing the door open enough to walk in. “Want some help?”</p><p>Defiant, Justin shakes his head. “I want to do it myself.”</p><p>Matt nods, standing beside him. “Okay, go ahead.”</p><p>Justin isn’t expecting Matt to comply. He isn’t expecting him to cross his arms over his chest, take a step back, and give him the space he needs to attempt to move. Blinking, he nods before trying to use his weight to push himself up. He loses his balance once. Twice. Three times. And then sinks back against the pillows and pulls his feet back up to lay on the bed, giving up when he feels the pull in his muscles and the exhaustion creep over him before he’s even out of bed.</p><p>Matt waits a moment. “Can I help you?” he asks quietly, taking a step forward when Justin nods.</p><p>Getting him into a seated position, Matt kneels down in front of Justin, who’s grown agitated and defeated at his unsuccessful attempts. “Hey, kiddo, can you look at me?”</p><p>Justin hesitates, and then looks up. “I wanted to be able to do it without any help.”</p><p>“It’s okay that you couldn’t,” Matt says quietly. “I’m proud of you for trying, and I know Mom and Clay and your therapists would be proud of you, too.”</p><p>Justin shakes his head, grabbing at the tie on his pajama pants. “Trying isn’t enough,” he says, sighing. “I want to be able to do it. I… I don’t want to have to ask you to help me even sit up.”</p><p>“Take a breath, and then when you’re ready I want you to look at me.”</p><p>Justin slows his breathing, looking back to Matt. “Kiddo, you have been home from the hospital exactly one week today. Do you realize how much progress you’ve made?”</p><p>“Not much,” Justin mumbles.</p><p>“Justin, buddy. You’ve done so well in physical therapy, and you’ve gotten up and moved around the house as much as possible. You tried more foods, and you’ve been honest with how you’re feeling. Kid, you even weaned off the opioids within the first week of being home,” he smiles, resting his hands on Justin’s. “Just because you can’t get up out of bed unassisted quite yet or you still need help doing normal tasks like showering or getting changed or reaching for your own plate and glass in the cabinet doesn’t mean that you haven’t made any progress at all.”</p><p>“I just want to be better,” Justin whispers, his voice shaking.</p><p>Matt nods. “I know you do,” he says quietly. “You know that’s all we want for you, too. And you will get better, but for right now it’s okay to ask for help or to lean on us. Because that’s the best way you’re going to get better. By letting people help so you don’t push yourself too hard.”</p><p>“You are three weeks post-attack, and if you would’ve told me three weeks ago that I’d have you home with us, sitting up without leaning against anything, talking about wanting to be able to do more than you can currently do, I would’ve thought you were crazy,” he laughs. “You have come so far in so many ways, and we are going to keep working at a pace that works for you.”</p><p>Justin tips forward, resting his head on Matt’s shoulder. “I love you.”</p><p>“I love you, too, kiddo,” Matt smiles, wrapping his arms around him. “Everything is okay. You’re going to be okay.”</p><p>Matt catches Lainie out of the corner of his eye as she stands in the doorway and watches the scene with tears running down her face, smiling at her as he carefully pulls Justin closer to him.</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>Despite his discouragement of the morning, Justin agrees to work on his physical therapy exercises and walk up and down the steps as practice, slowly gaining his strength back.</p><p>He passes out on the sofa after barely eating any applesauce and instead taking Lainie up on her offer to just have a protein shake in its place. Lainie watches, brushing her fingers through his quickly lengthening hair and closing the curtains in the sunroom out of reflex that they’re somehow affecting him, and then returns to the kitchen where Matt finishes up a work email.</p><p>“When he wakes up, we’re telling him,” she announces, turning to make both of them something to eat. “I know his morning hasn’t been ideal, but we can’t prolong this. We can’t keep acting like everything is normal.”</p><p>Pausing, Matt peers over the edge of his laptop. “We will tell him as soon as he’s awake, I promise,” he agrees. “Do you have any updates?”</p><p>Pressing her lips into a thin line, Lainie shakes her head. “Bill said he would call as soon as he knew anything, and of course Marcus will provide any updates. But nothing as of yet, so we can assume she hasn’t been arrested yet, or at least not processed.”</p><p>“We will tell him that his mother is going to be taken into custody, explain why, and then reassure him that he has full open communication with us as to what he wants and needs to talk about.”</p><p>Lainie agrees, setting a sandwich in front of her husband as she reaches for her own laptop, working on a brief and preparing herself for the conversation she had been dreading.</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>“Do you feel like you’re in the right frame of mind to talk about something important?” Matt asks, handing Justin another jello cup.</p><p>“Is it about the doctors?” he asks, looking between both of them. “They took blood and did more scans, so did they come back bad? Do I have to be in the hospital again?”</p><p>Lainie reaches out, resting her hand on his arm. “No, love. Your scans still look good, you are stable, and you are staying home with us,” she reassures him. “We need to talk to you about your mom.”</p><p>“Is she okay?” he asks frantically, a new onset of panic setting in. “Seth’s friends didn’t like - they didn’t hurt her, right?”</p><p>“I need you to take a breath,” Lainie says calmly, resting her hand against his cheek. “Your mother is fine, no one has hurt her or gone after her.”</p><p>Relaxing, Justin nods. “Where is she then?”</p><p>Glancing with Matt, Lainie shifts her attention back to her son. “Love, your mom was brought in for questioning last week about the attack. When they spoke to her, they found out that she knew Seth was going to attack you. She knew that he had been planning it, that it wasn’t spur of the moment, and she failed to report it to the police.” Keeping her hand firm on Justin’s arm, she takes a breath. “Justin, this morning a warrant was put out for your mom’s arrest. Because she knew about the crime and failed to report Seth’s plans, they can charge her with aiding and abetting the crime.”</p><p>The spoon falls on Justin’s lap, his hand shaking as he squeezes his eyes shut. “But she wasn’t…” he starts, pausing. “I know I don’t remember it, but she wasn’t there. I don’t - she wasn’t there, right?”</p><p>“She was not,” Lainie says softly. “But honey, because Seth had discussed what he was planning to do with her, because she encouraged him to go through with it, and because she didn’t report that he was planning to hurt you, they can hold her liable.”</p><p>Flinching, Justin pulls away from Lainie’s reassuring hand. “She wouldn’t have -” stopping himself, his eyes dart wildly between Matt and Lainie. “Seth used to threaten to hurt me all the time. She used to - she wouldn’t have actually told him to do it if she thought he was serious. Or if she was sober. Maybe she was strung out? Or high, or - I don’t know.”</p><p>“Take a deep breath,” Lainie says quietly. Watching him, she waits until his breathing slows. “Do you still feel okay to talk about this?”</p><p>“Yes,” Justin nods, looking between them both.</p><p>Matt leans forward. “Buddy, I spoke to your mom myself,” he says carefully, waiting to see his reaction. “She was upset that you didn’t feel ready to see her, that you haven’t been in contact with her. After you denied her request, she was upset. She spoke about it with Seth, who said he would do whatever it took to get her justice. She was satisfied with his promise.”</p><p>Justin has wilted now, allowing Lainie to pull the jello from his hand and set it on the coffee table. He presses his palms to his pajama pants, shaking his head. “She didn’t - did she really mean it?”</p><p>“We don’t know,” Matt says quietly. “Justin, we could agonize for years over why this happened or how much your mother wished to have what happened to you actually happen, but we may never know the answers. The most important thing is that you realize that your decisions, your choice to not see her because you weren’t ready wasn’t wrong or a mistake, and it certainly isn’t what led to this happening.”</p><p>“Do you really think if I just said I would see her we’d be sitting here with this happening?”</p><p>“Justin,” Lainie sighs, pausing. For the first time in a long time, she has no answer. “We really cannot know. This entire situation is unknown. But we do not want you blaming yourself for a decision you made to protect your own health and wellbeing.”</p><p>Justin folds his hands together, picking at a scab on his knuckle. “I don’t feel good.”</p><p>Lainie nods at Matt, who stands to get Justin’s medication as Lainie helps him lay down.</p><p>“We can talk more about it when you’re ready,” she promises, taking the medication from Matt and helping Justin lean up to take it. “You know that no matter how you’re feeling, you can talk to any of us. You can yell, you can scream, you can cry if you want. Your feelings are valid, Justin, and we don’t want you to shut yourself off. We don’t want you to go through this alone. We are right here, we want you to express how you feel, even if that means yelling at us until you feel better.”</p><p>Justin nods, eyes blinking slowly as he allows Lainie to cover him with a blanket. As she goes to stand, his hand reaches out to grab her arm. “I love you. Thank you for taking care of me.”</p><p>Her heart swells, snaking her arm down to take his hand. “I love you, my son. I will always take care of you,” she whispers, bending down to kiss his forehead.</p><p>She reaches the kitchen, buries herself in Matt’s chest, and allows herself to cry.</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>Justin’s spirits lift when Clay returns home, watching him toss his bag and fall onto the sofa beside him, pulling out his phone to show him a meme Tyler sent in the group chat. “I figured you probably hadn’t looked at your phone all day, but everyone thought you would find it hilarious.”</p><p>“It is funny,” Justin nods, holding Clay’s wrist steady so he could view the phone better. “Did Charlie say he was coming today?”</p><p>Clay smiles, rolling his eyes. “He and Zach are coming with Coach Kerba. They wanted me to come home and see if you were still feeling up to it.”</p><p>Searching the room, Justin stretches his legs out in front of him. “I don’t know where my phone is. Can you tell them I”m feeling up to it? That I want them to come? Even if they can’t stay long.”</p><p>Clay nods, pulling his phone back down and scrolling back to his and Charlie’s texts. “Wanna come get a snack in the kitchen with me?”</p><p>“Help me up?” Justin nods, holding out his hands for Clay to support him in getting up.</p><p>Together they walk to the kitchen, where Justin chooses to eat a fruit cup willingly and even decides to sit at the kitchen table, allowing Clay to grab his pillow from the other room and situate him so the chair was more comfortable to sit in.</p><p>“I’m sure it’ll be good to see them. Zach and Charlie were talking all day about how excited they were to see you again.”</p><p>Justin focuses on his hand as he spoons out more fruit, shrugging. “Charlie was just here though.”</p><p>“Well, yeah, but he still likes hanging out with you,” Clay shrugs. “All our friends do. If you felt up to it, they’d come every day. But they realize that you need your space to get better. And they get that you probably don’t want them seeing everything.”</p><p>Justin sucks on the sickly sweet syrup, the fruit softening further on his tongue before he swallows. “You don’t tell them everything about how I’m doing, right?” he asks, glancing towards his brother. “You don’t… they don’t know how bad the bad days really are.”</p><p>“No, they don’t,” Clay promises, reaching for a pretzel stick in the bag. “They just know that some days are harder than others, but you’re doing fine and working on getting better, and you want to come see the football team soon and hang out with the entire group at once.”</p><p>“Okay,” Justin nods, eyes glancing back to the fruit cup as he works to finish the whole thing.</p><p>Clay waits a while, until Justin has finished all of the fruit and is spending his time lifting syrup onto his spoon and letting it pour back into the plastic cup before he starts talking. “Mom told me you guys talked about Amber,” he says cautiously, watching Justin’s reaction. “Do you want to talk about it?”</p><p>Justin sighs, pouring out the syrup methodically. “I don’t know what to say,” he shrugs. “I don’t - I hate to believe that she knew this was going to happen. That Seth… that he would try to kill me and she didn’t do anything to stop it. But I also can believe it, because she would do anything for him if it meant that he gave her her next fix.”</p><p>“I’m sorry she let you down so many times,” Clay says quietly. “And I know that’s probably not the right thing to say right now, but Justin. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to feel free and ask for help when you need it. You deserve stability.”</p><p>Justin chews on his bottom lip, sighing. “You guys give me all of that,” he whispers, his voice trembling. “Even when I don’t deserve it. Even when I don’t think I’m ever worthy of this. I just… you don’t know how much what you’ve done means to me. You gave me a family, Clay.”</p><p>“Bringing you into our family, adopting you, it’s the best thing we’ve ever done,” Clay says. Hesitating, he reaches his hand across the table. “I just wish you could repair the good parts of your old life. Keep those memories separate from all the bad ones.”</p><p>Justin laughs, tilting his head back. “There were no good parts, Clay,” Justin says, blinking as a tear falls. “There were good moments. Flashes of what could have been, but my mom was always going to choose drugs over me. She was always going to care more about pleasing the guys who could give her her next fix.”</p><p>He stops, flipping his hand over so he can hold Clay’s. “This is the first time I’ve ever been put first. The first time I’ve ever been given the chance to say what I want or how I’m feeling.” Another tear falls, and Clay squeezes for reassurance. “I’m not always the best about it, I know. But I like to think that you guys know how grateful I am. For all of you. Even when I can’t seem to let go of my mom, even when it feels like I love or appreciate her more than you guys. Because I don’t - that’s not the case.”</p><p>Standing, Clay bends down enough to pull Justin in for a hug. “We know,” he whispers, resting his chin against his shoulder. “And we love you, even when you feel like it’s not worth it or you don’t deserve it.”</p><p>Justin nods, burying his head into the crook of Clay’s neck, and for a moment everything is still.</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>Lainie can’t remember the last time her house was full of chatter and laughter.</p><p>Her kitchen had turned into a pharmacy, the living room and Matt’s office turning into recovery and physical therapy rooms. There were hand sanitizers stationed everywhere you turned, and while some visitors have floated in and out, this was the most normal it’s felt.</p><p>Coach Kerba arrived with Charlie and Zach and brought Lainie flowers, smiling as he holds a small pack of protein shakes in his other hand at the front door. “It felt wrong to me to not bring something for Justin,” he shrugs. “The boys brought some things from the team, but I wanted to bring something for him as well. Charlie told me he loved these.”</p><p>“He’ll be excited,” she promises, shutting the door behind him. “Chocolate is his favorite, and I’ve been buying vanilla because that’s all we could find. You’ll be his hero.”</p><p>“I’m glad,” Kerba replies with a laugh. “How’s he doing? We’ve all been thinking of him.”</p><p>Lainie smiles. “He’s been doing relatively well. Working towards getting better, and he’s looking forward to coming to see the team when he’s a little stronger,” she says. “He’s been excited to see you all day. He’s just in the living room, feel free to make yourself at home.”</p><p>Justin lights up when he looks past Zach to see Kerba standing there, sitting up as he hugs him. “Thank you for coming to see me,” he says, gently pressing back against the pillows.</p><p>“Are you kidding? Of course I’d come visit you,” he laughs, sitting down on the other side of the sofa. “Charlie and Zach have been keeping me filled in on how well you’re doing. I just didn’t want to visit when you weren’t ready or up for it.”</p><p>Justin nods, folding his legs under him. “I still need a lot of help, but I’m getting stronger with walking and moving around by myself. I can eat some foods without worrying about not being able to digest them, and my head gets better every day,” he rattles off. “I want to be back in school soon, but I really want to come see the team and thank them for the cards and the gifts and stuff,” he says, gesturing to the homemade card they all signed and the basket full of snacks that they all knew Justin loved.</p><p>Kerba nods, folding his hands in his lap. “The team will be excited to see you, when you’re ready. I don’t want you to rush back to visit us if you’re not up for it,” he says. “I’m also really happy to hear you’re continuing to make so much progress. I brought you some chocolate protein shakes, Charlie tipped me off that they may be your favorite.”</p><p>Justin smiles. “They’re my favorite, but Lainie had only been able to find the vanilla ones,” he says. “You didn’t have to bring me anything. You coming to visit is enough, seriously.”</p><p>“When we asked the team if there was anything they wanted to give you, they mostly tossed in the candy you’re always eating,” Zach shrugs, laughing. “Thankfully Charlie whipped up some healthy cookies for you to eat, so at least Mrs. Jensen can’t say you’re only asking to eat the junk we gave you.”</p><p>Justin laughs, flipping through the card. “How did you get them to all do this? I don’t… this feels like too much.”</p><p>“It’s not too much,” Charlie assures him, shaking his head. “The guys really love their captain, and they wanted to be sure he knew they’ve been thinking about him. They get that you can’t be there or be as involved as they want to be, but you’re still their captain, Justin.”</p><p>Nodding, Justin reaches for Zach so he can lean forward and look into the basket full of things. “I… would it be okay if I FaceTimed the guys on Friday before the game? At least talk to them, pump them up or whatever?” he asks, looking back as he slowly leans back. “I don’t think I’ll be able to come in person, at least not this week, but if I can at least talk to all the guys that’s better than nothing.”</p><p>Charlie and Zach brighten, turning to Kerba. “I think the team would really like that. Would probably get them fired up since it’s a big game this week,” Zach says.</p><p>“They would,” Kerba agrees. “If you’re feeling up to it, then you can absolutely FaceTime the guys and talk with them before the game. But don’t pressure yourself if you’re not up for it. There’s plenty of games left in the season.”</p><p>Justin nods, listening to Charlie talk about team updates and Kerba filling him in on decisions and replacements for Justin. Charlie and Zach offer to help Clay make a smoothie, sensing that Justin wanted some alone time with Kerba to talk.</p><p>“Now that the boys are gone, how are you really doing?” Kerba asks, leaning forward in the chair. “I’m sure this hasn’t been easy. And if I know you, I know you’re probably not being totally honest with everyone.”</p><p>“Most days I’m fine,” Justin admits carefully, picking at his sweatpants. “I do what I need to do and focus on getting better, and try not to think about everything else.”</p><p>“Like what?”</p><p>He blows out a breath, shaking his head. “I was on oxy when I first got home,” he says quietly, staring at his lap. “And I know it was okay because it was necessary, but I was so afraid of relapse that I managed to convince them to let me move down to the less addictive medication. But I still worry that I’m somehow going to relapse. And I think Matt and Lainie know about how worried I am, but they can’t really get it, you know?”</p><p>Kerba’s quiet for a minute, nodding. “I do know,” he agrees. “In hindsight, do you think coming off the oxy that quickly was the right choice?”</p><p>“No, probably not,” Justin admits. “But I’d rather come off them now than relapse.”</p><p>“Being on prescribed medication, as long as it’s taken as directed, is not relapsing,” Kerba reminds him gently. “But I understand why you felt you needed to come off of it quickly, and I don’t blame you.”</p><p>Justin nods, forcing himself to look up, chewing on his lip. “What would you have done? If it was you that had to make that decision, what would you do?”</p><p>“I don’t know,” Kerba replies. “But I certainly can’t fault you for choosing what you did. I understand where you’re coming from, and I think you made the choice that felt right to you. But you do understand that if you need to go back on them, there’s no shame in that. It’s necessary to make sure that you keep healing and get better so we can have you back with us soon.”</p><p>Justin smiles, nodding.</p><p>Leaning forward, Kerba folds his hands in his lap. “If you need anyone to talk to about anything, I hope you know you can talk to me. Even if it’s just a phone call, or it’s late at night. I want you to reach out if you need to.”</p><p>Justin perks up, looking back to him. “Thank you, really,” he says quietly, but before the conversation can go any further Charlie and Zach return with smoothies for all of them, shifting the conversation back to football.</p><p>Lainie listens to the chatter from the kitchen, sorting through briefs and updating files and slowly easing her way back into work as much as she feels she can handle. When Matt slides in with a beaming smile as he grabs a drink for himself, she pauses.</p><p>“It’s nice, isn’t it? Hearing him laugh with people other than us or Clay, seeing how happy he is to see other people,” she comments, tapping her fingers on the table. “I never thought we’d get here.”</p><p>“Neither did I,” Matt agrees. “And I know tomorrow will be difficult with therapy and physical therapy and the possibility that they’ll arrest Amber, but I just feel like we can handle it now. I feel like we’re not just treading water, we’re not just focusing on not drowning. We’re beginning to live again, Lain. And I think that’s what we need to keep doing. I think we need to just celebrate the happy moments, and work through the rest.”</p><p>Reaching across the table, Lainie takes her husband’s hand, squeezing. “We’re going to live, Matt. Doing whatever we can think of. I don’t - we can’t lose the laughter that’s happening in there. We can’t lose this happiness.”</p><p>Matt nods, squeezing her hand back in solidarity. With cautious optimism, the two of them make a pact to begin moving forward, to work through the hard moments, and most importantly, celebrate the good ones.</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <strong>Tuesday.</strong>
</p><p>When Justin was first fostered by the Jensens, Lainie insisted that he talk to someone that wasn’t them, at least for a few sessions.</p><p>“There’s no pressure in continuing if you don’t want to,” Lainie had promised, handing him the ladle to dish his own plate. “We just feel that you’d benefit from talking to a professional since there’s so many things going on at once.”</p><p>What started as an agreement to go to three sessions turned into going to Dr. Ellman weekly up until his adoption was finalized, when he asked if he could take a break to just feel normal for a minute.</p><p>The only difference between those weeks and now is that Justin sits on the sofa in the living room of his home rather than squashing himself into the sofa in Dr. Ellman’s office. For the time being, sensing the exhaustion it would take for Justin to get himself out of bed and the house, Dr. Ellman agreed to come to the Jensens during the day for their sessions.</p><p>He sat in the chair across from him, notebook resting on his lap as he waited for Justin to feel ready. “I’m sure there’s a lot you’d like to talk about. A lot has happened the last few weeks,” he tries, and when Justin shrugs but doesn’t speak, he tries again. “Lainie filled me in on your mother’s situation. Would you like to discuss?”</p><p>Justin snorts, leaning back. “I don’t know what there is to discuss. My mom apparently knew something was going to happen, she didn’t report it to anyone and instead let him go through with it, and now she’s going to be arrested because technically she’s part of the crime.”</p><p>“That seems like a lot for one person to handle,” Dr. Ellman comments. “Justin, I know you’ve had a complicated relationship with your mother in the past. I know that you must be feeling something about this.”</p><p>Pushing his palms down his sweatpants, Justin sighs. “I hate that she didn’t care enough to try to stop him or even report him or something. She’s always cared more about getting her next fix or the guys who would stay with her so she wasn’t alone than she ever cared about me, but I never thought it’d go this far,” he breathes, shaking his head. “I never thought she would know that her boyfriend wanted to kill me and just like, go along with it or whatever.”</p><p>He waits, listens to the pen glide across the notebook, and then breathes. “I hate that I still love her. That I still worry if she’s safe or if she’s overdosed or if someone has come to hurt her. I hate that I can’t just forget about her and love the Jensens as my family without thinking about anyone else. Because I see Lainie as my mom and Matt as my dad, but I can’t move past my biological mom, no matter how terrible she’s been, or what horrible things she’s gone along with.”</p><p>In the space it takes for Dr. Ellman to respond, Justin feels like he’s waited a lifetime. “Justin, you understand that just because you’ve moved on to a new part of your life with a family who you see as your parents and brother, the feelings you have for your mother, no matter what she’s done or how complicated those feelings feel, aren’t just going to go away overnight?” he says carefully. “I can certainly say that no one expected you to just forget about your mother the second you were fostered or when your adoption was finalized. They all understand this runs much deeper.”</p><p>He waits a beat. “I always thought that if I got out of there, if I had a stable family who loved me and wanted the best for me, I might be okay. That I could move forward and heal from all the horrible things. But it just keeps following me, doesn’t it? Even when I’ve been here for over a year, even when I feel happier and safer than I’ve ever felt before, I still get hurt by people in my past. I still almost die because of someone who could’ve killed me so many other times.”</p><p>“Recovery isn’t linear, nor is moving on from past abusive situations,” Dr. Ellman replies. “You have done so well in the past with working through your feelings and childhood trauma, and while we will have to take a few steps backwards and work back up to where we were, I think we’ll be able to get there. Do you think you can work with me?”</p><p>Justin nods, embracing the lull in conversation as his mind runs wild. He picks at a pull in his sweatpants, sighing. “I think I’m starting to remember parts of the attack,” he admits quietly, forcing himself to look up. “I haven’t told anyone that. I just… I don’t know if what I’m remembering are things that are made up in my head, or if they really happened. I get confused a lot right now because of the head injury.”</p><p>Dr. Ellman nods, writing. “Let’s start with a small piece of that,” he says, looking up. “Would you like to talk about what you think you remember?”</p><p>“It’s nothing major,” he shrugs, shaking his head. “I remember being thrown to the ground and how much it hurt when my head hit. I don’t remember anything about him stabbing me or slamming my head into the ground or whatever, but I think I remember Clay talking to me and leaning on me, and then I remember the ambulance and how hard it was to breathe and how the medic was talking so fast about blood or something. But not like… nothing after that, and no real memories from there.”</p><p>“That sounds like a lot that you remembered, Justin,” he comments. “How long have you been remembering things?”</p><p>“Just a few days,” he replies. “It comes when I’m sleeping, which is why I don’t know what’s real and what’s not.”</p><p>Dr. Ellman continues writing as he nods. “What do you think is real?”</p><p>Shifting, Justin shakes his head. “I think being tackled to the ground is real,” he starts, and then sighs. “I don’t know if Clay talking to me is real, but it sounds like something he would’ve done. So I think that’s real. And I think maybe the ambulance isn’t real.”</p><p>He watches Dr. Ellman write carefully through his notebook, crossing his legs. “I agree, I think Clay probably did talk to you while you guys were waiting for help,” he nods. “How do you feel when you remember things, or at least have dreams about the attack?”</p><p>“I get really anxious,” he sighs. “I’ve been getting really anxious a lot lately,” he admits, and then forces himself to look up again.</p><p>Dr. Ellman’s pen stops writing. He takes a breath, reaching for the glass of water Lainie provided before she retreated upstairs so they could have privacy. “Do you know what has been making you anxious?”</p><p>Justin blows out a breath, frustrated. “I think it’s the injury. I just… sometimes I wake up and I’m alone in mine and Clay’s room or Matt’s office when I sleep downstairs, and I panic that they left me alone. That I have no one to help me do anything like I need right now. Or that maybe the doors are unlocked and Seth’s going to send his gang to come kill us since he couldn’t do it.”</p><p>“Does anyone know?”</p><p>“Lainie saw me have a panic attack once. But she thinks it was just that one time. I didn’t tell her that it keeps happening, that I feel like sometimes it’ll just always happen because I get so anxious sometimes. I didn’t tell her that sometimes it feels like I can’t get enough air in that I worry it’s not because of my collapsed lung or the surgery, and it’s just because I get scared that I’m alone again and when I need someone the most, they’ve all left me.”</p><p>Justin sits back, chewing on his lip. “I didn’t… sorry.”</p><p>“Why are you apologizing?” Dr. Ellman asks. “You never have to apologize for speaking about how you feel.”</p><p>Justin nods. “I guess I just didn’t think I was going to talk about all of that. Not like that, at least.”</p><p>Dr. Ellman nods. “I know you’re adamant about not being on medication, and while normally I think someone in your situation would benefit from anxiety medication so you don’t aggravate the injuries with anxiety attacks, I’m going to agree that medication is not the right call for you at this moment,” he says, watching the relief flow over Justin. “I do think that if we cannot combat the anxiety with techniques within the next few weeks, then we need to discuss a low dose of anxiety medication so your recovery isn’t affected.”</p><p>“Okay,” Justin agrees, pulling the pillow closer to his side. “If we need to, I will go on the medication. But I really want to try to get better without it first.”</p><p>“Of course,” Dr. Ellman nods. He waits a beat, and then looks at Justin. “Do you think you’re able to talk to Matt and Lainie about the anxiety? Or would you feel comfortable doing group therapy with them for one of your sessions?”</p><p>Justin nods. “I want to be honest with them, but it’s hard for me. Can we… next week, can they come so we can talk?”</p><p>“I’ll discuss it with them after,” he promises. “I want you to try to talk about your anxiety with them, but if you can’t, that’s okay. We’ll discuss it at your next session with them.”</p><p>“What if I just talked to Clay about it?” Justin bargains, smiling sweetly. “At least for this week, and then we can talk through it with Matt and Lainie next week.”</p><p>Dr. Ellman laughs. “I want you to do what feels comfortable. If you feel comfortable talking to Clay, I want you to do it. Respect your boundaries, do what feels right in the moment, and Clay will understand if you need to stop. Also keep Clay’s feelings in mind.”</p><p>“Yeah, okay,” Justin agrees, shifting. He looks up as he shakes Dr. Ellman’s hand, shifting to lay down as he listens to the quiet conversation between Matt, Lainie and Dr. Ellman in the entryway.</p><p>He stirs when Lainie rests her hand on his shoulder, handing him his medication. “You can sleep, if you want. Max will be here this afternoon for physical therapy, so I’ll wake you up for lunch, okay?”</p><p>“Okay,” he nods, swallowing his medication with ease and sinking back onto the pillows.</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>Clay spent the entirety of Justin’s therapy session upstairs in their room pacing the floor while on the phone to Aunt Evie.</p><p>“Did Mom tell you that they’re going to arrest Amber?”</p><p>“She did,” Evie replies. “How are you doing with that?”</p><p>Clay sighs. “It’s not really about me,” he says, running his fingers through his hair. “I feel bad for Justin. He hates that she could’ve done something like this, but he also knows that there’s no way she didn’t. He’s just sort of… accepting it.”</p><p>He can hear Evie shuffle on the other end of the line. “Is he talking to you about it?”</p><p>“Not really,” Clay admits, sitting down on the edge of his bed. “He just says it’s fine and he accepted it, but I don’t think he’s telling the truth.”</p><p>He waits a beat, and then speaks again. “It’s just like this is one other thing that was meant to happen. I don’t get how he doesn’t get more upset about how things are going. I don’t… I just want him to open up.”</p><p>Evie sighs on the other line. “Clay, honey, being open is not that easy, not for someone like Justin,” she says evenly. “Maybe him saying it’s okay is just the way he’s coping with this. He has so much going on right now, he’s doing his best to recover, and maybe this is just something he’ll want to deal with later when he’s feeling a little better.”</p><p>Clay falls back onto his bed, staring at the ceiling. He takes a breath, chewing on his lip. “Then what am I supposed to do?” he asks quietly. “How am I supposed to help him if he doesn’t want to talk?”</p><p>“You be there for him,” Evie says quietly. “Even if that means staring at the ceiling and doing nothing but lay by his side. Give him room to breathe and talk when he’s ready. Forcing him to talk about things isn’t going to get you anywhere, okay? Let him come to you in his own time, express himself in his own words.”</p><p>“I feel like that’s not enough.”</p><p>“Maybe it’s not,” Evie says, the smile evident in her voice. “But Clay, you are his best friend. His brother. He loves you, and even just him knowing that you’re there will be enough for him. Make sure he knows that he’s not alone, that he can come to you when he’s ready, and that you are always there.”</p><p>Clay takes a breath, allowing Evie’s words to sink in. “Okay,” he breathes, trying to convince himself that he’s doing the right thing.</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <strong>Wednesday.</strong>
</p><p>Still recovering from the lingering effects of changing the medication, Justin takes advantage of the day with no therapy or physical therapy or doctors appointments and sleeps, humoring Lainie by walking around downstairs and working on his at home exercises and eating as much as he could, even trying new foods as they slowly got the okay.</p><p>When Clay arrives home, he practically begs him to help him outside. “I’ve slept all day, I’ve done all my physical therapy exercises, and I even tried to eat mashed potatoes, which you should be proud of because even though they’re like, nothing, apparently they’re a step up from what I’ve been eating.”</p><p>Clay smirks. “I am proud of you,” he confirms. “Mom said you even agreed to try to eat chicken tonight.”</p><p>Chewing on his lip, Justin nods. “I want to keep getting better. And this is next, right?”</p><p>“Well, yeah,” Clay agrees, shrugging. “But it’s okay if it doesn’t work out. You’re like, almost a month out. I don’t know much about stomachs, but I don’t think they fully repair that quickly.”</p><p>Justin nods, allowing Clay to help him stand as they make their way outside. Clay works on homework, and then, when he decides Justin is doing fairly well, takes a leap of faith. “Want to make a list of things you want to do when you’re doing better?”</p><p>Parting his eyes, Justin looks at him with amusement. “You’re willing to wait that long? Even if it takes us months to do any of it?”</p><p>“You know I’d wait forever for you to be ready.”</p><p>“Oddly romantic, Jensen,” Justin smirks.</p><p>“Shut up,” Clay grumbles, standing up and walking over to Justin’s chair, squeezing into a free space. “Tell me everything you want to do when you’re feeling a little better. We can work towards them all.”</p><p>They laugh and joke as they list out realistic and unrealistic goals, and as Lainie watches both of her boys from the window as she works on dinner, she feels a glimmer of hope that they’re getting there. That it’s getting better.</p><p>She watches the boys walk slowly back into the house, Justin leaning heavily on Clay as she goes to open the door for them. “We made our list of top five things for now. We both agreed that felt more appropriate right now.”</p><p>“I like that approach,” she nods, helping them to the living room so Justin could lay down. “Dad’s on his way home from work, but I can hang them up on the fridge and we can talk at dinner?”</p><p>“Please,” Justin nods, blowing out a breath. His hand stays on Clay’s arm, eyes closing as Lainie takes the paper, promising to be back with some ice.</p><p>With both boys taken care of, Lainie finishes the rest of dinner and smiles when Matt walks in. “What is this?” he asks, pointing to the handwritten list hanging on the fridge beside Justin’s medication schedule and dietary restrictions.</p><p>“The boys have made a list of things they want to do when Justin is feeling a little better,” she smiles, leaning back against his chest as she stirs the vegetables. “I told them we’d talk about it at dinner.”</p><p>Matt nods, setting his bag down in the chair at the table and moving to read through the list.</p>
<ol>
<li><em>Go on a long weekend road trip as a family (maybe not too far, but somewhere where we can relax)</em></li>
<li><em>Go for a run down to the pier and back (even though Justin hates running)</em></li>
<li><em>Eat a bunch of junk food until I feel sick for a good reason (Justin made me put this on here)</em></li>
<li><em>Apply to colleges (near and far from home, just to have options)</em></li>
<li><em>Hang out with all of my friends for as long as I want without getting tired (even if it’s just at home watching a movie)</em></li>
</ol><p>“How can I tell exactly which one was influenced by who?” Matt laughs, pressing his lips to the crown of Lainie’s head. “We’ll find a way to make all of these happen.”</p><p>“You should’ve seen them, Matt,” she sighs, turning the burner off. “They were laughing. They were teasing each other and joking and sitting outside, and for five minutes I could pretend that they were fine and I wasn’t cooking bland, overcooked chicken so our youngest son can eat something other than liquids or overdone noodles.”</p><p>“We’re getting there,” Matt promises, sighing. “Things are getting better,” he says. “And the fact that they did this, that they are doing better, is a huge step in the right direction. Now we just keep moving forward.”</p><p>Lainie has never agreed faster.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you guys for reading/commenting! </p><p>next week will have more visitors and more with Amber's situation :)</p><p>i started posting a new Monty/Justin friend fic the other day, you can read it <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29522424/chapters/72537291">here</a> if you want :) if you want :)</p><p>see you next Friday!</p><p>title of the chapter is from Bruises by Lewis Capaldi</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. who would've known how bittersweet this would taste</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Justin keeps moving forward, Clay talks through his own thoughts, Justin and Clay get out of the house together, and Lainie comes to terms with giving more freedom.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Thursday.</strong>
</p>
<p>Knee deep in briefs and client calls from her makeshift office at the dining room table, Lainie isn’t expecting her phone to ring when she decides to take a 10 minute break to get some fresh air. She debates about letting it ring and returning the call when she comes back, changing her mind when she notices it’s Bill Standall calling.</p>
<p>“I just wanted to let you know that Amber was arrested this morning,” he says, voice even. “She’s being processed now, and then will be transferred to county.”</p>
<p>Lainie presses her hand to the dining room table, glancing to the sunroom, where Justin sleeps peacefully after a morning of physical therapy. “Thank you, Bill,” she says softly, tapping her nails against the old hardwood. “We’re meeting with Marcus this afternoon to discuss Seth’s trial updates, I’ll ask if we can have updates on Amber now as well.”</p>
<p>Chatter on the other end of the line gets louder, and then dissipates. “Amber’s hearing will come up fairly quickly, Lainie,” he says quietly. “Marcus will know better, but I just want you to be aware that we will not be on the timeline we are with Seth.”</p>
<p>“I understand,” Lainie replies, chewing on the corner of her lip. “Thank you for letting me know.”</p>
<p>Setting her phone back down on the table, Lainie notices Justin stirring, shifting and looking up. “Hi, love,” she smiles, walking forward. “Still okay with your decision to take a nap in the sunroom?”</p>
<p>Justin blinks, holding his hands out as Lainie helps him sit up, doing her best to shield the sun. “I didn’t think about the sunlight when I woke up,” he shrugs, sighing. “Is Clay home?”</p>
<p>“Not yet,” she says, glancing at her watch. “About another hour.”</p>
<p>She waits until Justin nods. “I was going to go outside and get some fresh air, take a break from work. Want to come sit outside with me for a few minutes?”</p>
<p>Justin hesitates before nodding. Lainie helps him up, holding him steady until he says he’s okay before they make their way through the house. It’s the first time Lainie helps him down the stairs alone, the two of them taking it slowly before settling into the lounge chairs beside each other.</p>
<p>Lainie spends the first few minutes watching Justin, who’s focusing on his breathing as he tilts his head back and welcomes the sunshine on his skin, eyes covered by his sunglasses. Since her phone call 10 minutes ago, her mind had been swirling as she debated waiting for Matt and Clay or telling Justin first.</p>
<p>She decides he needs to hear it as soon as possible so he’s not blindsided. In telling him now, she hopes he’ll feel comforted in asking questions or expressing his feelings without the extra eyes looking at him.</p>
<p>“Love, do you feel like you can handle updates about your mom right now?” she asks carefully.</p>
<p>Tilting his head, Justin nods slowly. “She was arrested, wasn’t she?” he asks, and while his voice sounds expectant, the disappointment is evident on his face.</p>
<p>Smiling sympathetically, Lainie nods. “This morning,” she confirms. “She’s being processed now, and then they’ll take her to county.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, shifting back to look at the sky. “How long will she be in jail?”</p>
<p>“We’ll have to listen to the prosecutors to decide how they’re going to approach this,” she explains. “Usually they use the same sentencing they’ll use for Seth, so they’d be in jail around the same time. However, there are instances where she may get less time, especially if she can convince them that she really didn’t think his attack would be as serious as it was.”</p>
<p>Justin nods. Closing his eyes, he takes a breath. “Is she… did she ever say how she felt about me being attacked?”</p>
<p>“I wasn’t expecting to see the two of you outside,” Matt says before Lainie can answer, locking the car and sitting on the edge of Lainie’s chair. “I finished up my classes and figured I could do my grading at home. How are you doing today?”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Justin dismisses, looking back to Lainie. “Maybe I’m remembering wrong, but you told me that we could talk about things when I felt ready, right?” he asks, looking between the two of them. “I want to talk about this. Before Clay gets home.”</p>
<p>Lainie takes a breath, looking at her husband. “Amber was arrested. We’re still meeting with Marcus this afternoon, but I wanted to talk through it with Justin now before it got too chaotic when Clay gets home.”</p>
<p>“Did she ever say how she felt about me being attacked?” Justin repeats, shifting slowly to look at Matt. “You talked to her, right? Did she say anything?”</p>
<p>Matt sets his bag down between his feet, taking a moment. “Yes,” he admits. “But I need you to calm down before we discuss further.”</p>
<p>Agreeing quickly, Justin relaxes and slows his breathing, fingers tapping anxiously against the cushion.</p>
<p>“When I met with your mother, she told me that she didn’t have any feelings towards your health,” he explains. “She told us multiple times that if you didn’t care about her, she found it very hard to care about you.”</p>
<p>Justin turns, laying back and shaking his head. “I do care about her,” he says weakly, twisting his fingers in his t-shirt. “I didn’t… I wasn’t ready to see her.”</p>
<p>“We know,” Matt replies quietly. “No decision you made was the wrong decision. Do you know how proud we are that you stood up for yourself and chose an option that benefited you?”</p>
<p>Justin shakes his head. Pulling his lip between his teeth, he bites down hard. “I don’t ever want to see her again. I don’t… I can’t keep putting myself through this.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Lainie nods. Standing up, she moves to sit on Justin’s chair. “You not seeing her again can be arranged. Do you want to talk about anything?”</p>
<p>Remaining quiet for a moment, Justin shakes his head. “When will Clay be home?”</p>
<p>“Soon,” Lainie promises. “And then Marcus is coming over to talk about some updates with Seth’s trial before Clay has therapy. Do you want to sit with us for the meeting with Marcus?”</p>
<p>“If I can,” he nods. “Can we go back inside and wait for Clay?”</p>
<p>“Sure, love,” Lainie nods, taking Matt’s bag so he can help Justin back inside.</p>
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</p>
<p>Armed with a slushie, gummy worms and Sour Patch Kids, Jess knocks on the door of the Jensens, smiling brightly when Lainie answers.</p>
<p>“I’m not sure if technically he can have the gummy worms, but I figured there was no harm in a slushie, and I got his favorite.”</p>
<p>Lainie smiles, resting her hand on Jess’ back as she leads her through the entryway. “You’re going to make his day. All he asks for is junk food in between the healthy meals we make him eat,” she smiles. “He’s in the living room with Clay, although Clay swears he’ll leave the two of you be,” she says, walking alongside her back to both boys.</p>
<p>Justin glances up, brightening when Jess appears with snacks in hand. “Please tell me that’s a real slushie in that cup,” he says cautiously, brushing off Clay’s hand once he’s sitting up better.</p>
<p>Jess laughs, squeezing onto the corner of the sofa and extending the slushie for him to take. “Blue raspberry. Still your favorite?”</p>
<p>“Definitely,” he nods, taking the straw between his lips. “What else did you bring?”</p>
<p>Tossing the Sour Patch Kids in Clay’s direction as he goes to leave, Jess holds up gummy worms for Justin. “I technically don’t know if you’re allowed to have these, but I thought maybe you could try?” she offers.</p>
<p>Justin cranes his neck, looking back towards the kitchen, where he can hear Lainie. “Lainie, can I try?”</p>
<p>Appearing in the doorway, Lainie dries her hands on a dish towel, chewing on her lip. “Sure, you can try,” she concedes, crossing his arms over his chest. “Take it slow though, okay? It’s been a little while since you’ve had junk food.”</p>
<p>Jess watches the interaction carefully, tearing open the bag and placing a gummy worm in Justin’s hand. “I should’ve brought something easier for you,” she says after a moment, biting a piece of her own gummy worm off between her teeth. “I just thought that these were your favorite, and Clay said that you’ve been bored of the food you’ve been able to eat. Your safe foods, or whatever.”</p>
<p>Justin furrows his eyebrows, shaking his head. “Are you kidding? Don’t apologize for bringing them. Even if this is the only one I can eat, I still get the slushie, and it was something different.”</p>
<p>Jess laughs. “I’m sorry for not coming sooner,” she says after a moment. “It’s just that Clay said you had a really hard few days, and then Charlie and Zach and Kerba were more important for you to see yesterday.”</p>
<p>Justin shrugs. “Wouldn’t want you to see me like that, anyway,” he replies quietly, twisting the half of the gummy worm between his fingers. “I’m guessing he didn’t tell you how bad it was?”</p>
<p>Jess pulls another gummy worm from the pouch, shaking her head. “He doesn’t really tell us any details, not that we’d ask him to. He just told us that you weren’t feeling well but it was normal and there was no reason to be super concerned over it.”</p>
<p>Nodding, Justin takes another bite of the gummy worm. “I went off the opioids,” he admits quietly, shifting. “That’s why I was so sick. I was adjusting to the less strong meds and how they take longer to work, which means the pain was pretty bad. I barely wanted any of them to see me, let alone any of you.”</p>
<p>Jess raises her eyebrows. “Going over the opioids is a big thing though, right?” she asks, digging through the bag of gummy worms once more. “I mean, that’s your main addiction. But that also must mean that they felt you were doing okay to be able to come off the strong pain meds and move down to something less strong.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, not really,” Justin laughs. “The doctors are worried about me being off the opioids. They think it’s too soon and being on the less effective pain meds is going to be harmful to my recovery,” he explains.</p>
<p>“But they let you do it.”</p>
<p>Shrugging, Justin nods. “Because I pleaded with them that my sobriety was important, and because Matt and Lainie backed me up and assured them that I would keep working hard. Lainie managed to convince them that we could try it for three weeks, and if they weren’t happy with my vitals or my recovery then I have to go back on them.”</p>
<p>Jess extends the bag of gummy worms when she realizes Justin is reaching for another one. “What do you think is going to happen?”</p>
<p>Justin bites off the head, chewing slowly. “I think I’ll be allowed to stay on the pain meds I’m on now. I’m starting to feel more normal, my vitals are getting better, and the pain is getting easier to deal with,” he shrugs. “I guess things could change, but for now it’s going better, and Matt and Lainie seem to be happy with how I’m doing.”</p>
<p>Jess reaches for Justin’s slushie when prompted, watching him take a small sip. “I’m glad you’re doing okay though,” she smiles, reaching out to rest her hand on his leg. “You know if you need anything, or someone to hang out with or vent to, I’m always here, right?” she asks.</p>
<p>Reaching out his hand, Justin nods. “Thank you,” he whispers, hesitating as he takes another bite of gummy worm. “Did Clay tell you they arrested my mom?”</p>
<p>Jess chokes on a gummy worm, startled by the sudden shift in conversation. “What for?”</p>
<p>“She knew this was going to happen,” he shrugs, biting harshly at the last of his gummy worm. “Seth plotted it all and apparently told my mom he was planning it. She claims she didn’t know the extent of what he was going to do, but even just knowing about it was enough to charge her.”</p>
<p>“Holy shit, Justin,” Jess mumbles, leaning back. “You okay?”</p>
<p>“I don’t really know how to feel about it,” he answers after a moment. “It’s not that I’m surprised she knew about it and didn’t do anything, it’s just… I don’t know. I hang so much hope on one day being able to be civil with her and have a relationship, and now when I think about it, I don’t really know if that’s ever possible, or if I even want it.”</p>
<p>He takes a breath, shaking his head. “It’s not that I thought we’d ever be close again. Matt and Lainie are my parents now, you know? And I love them as if I’ve been in their family all along, but I never wanted to lose my mom in the process,” he sighs. “They’re so great with allowing me to make those decisions on my own, supporting me in whatever I decide, but now I don’t know what I want.”</p>
<p>Reaching out to rest her hand on his arm, Jess sighs. “I think this is something you should talk to Matt and Lainie about,” she says carefully, watching his reaction. “It’s okay to not know what you want, or to feel confused about your feelings towards her now. It’s okay to never know what you want. But they want to help you. Clay does, too.”</p>
<p>Justin flips his hand over, allowing her to take it. “I know,” he mumbles, interlacing their fingers and squeezing. “Want to watch a movie?”</p>
<p>Smiling, Jess nods and stands to go and hold up movie options. When she returns and squeezes beside Justin, she rests her hand on his legs and smiles. “Who would’ve thought we’d be so excited to just sit and watch a movie,” she laughs, shifting back and turning the volume a little lower.</p>
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</p>
<p>“After reviewing Justin’s medical records and testimonies from bystanders, the courts decided to keep the charges of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon intact rather than upgrading,” Marcus announces, looking between all four family members as he spreads out the files on the dining room table. “While this isn’t necessarily the outcome we had been hoping for, we certainly feel confident that keeping the charges as is will allow us to guarantee his conviction.”</p>
<p>Deflating for a moment, Lainie nods and glances at Justin. “If we’re moving forward with these charges and the drug charges, citing that Justin obviously had bodily injury in the attack, how many years is he facing in jail?”</p>
<p>Reaching under the table, Lainie finds Matt’s hand and squeezes.</p>
<p>Marcus glances at his papers, sighing. “A total maximum of seven years,” he replies. “Four years for the attack, and a maximum of three for the drug charges, which will most likely be given the max sentence based on his past convictions.”</p>
<p>“He only gets four years for trying to kill me?” Justin asks, shifting in his chair. “That doesn’t seem fair.”</p>
<p>“It’s not,” Marcus says sympathetically, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “It hardly feels like justice for what you’ve been through, and what you continue to go through. But I promise you, Justin, we’re going to work hard to ensure he gets all seven years in jail. Okay?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, okay,” he shrugs, staring at the table. “Can I… would I be able to speak at the trial? Give my account of Seth.”</p>
<p>Lainie, who had discussed briefly with Marcus about Justin’s wishes, knows what the outcome of this conversation will be. She watches as Marcus contemplates for a moment, and then focuses directly on Justin. “I’ve spoken briefly with Lainie about your wishes to speak at the trial,” he begins. “Do you remember anything from the attack?”</p>
<p>Deflating, Justin shakes his head. “I don’t,” he says, and then looks up. “But I remember what Seth was like when I lived with him. And my CPS file - if I could look at it, I’d be able to tell you which injuries happened because of something he did.”</p>
<p>Marcus keeps his expression even, nodding. “We could bring a statement from you with your past altercations along with your CPS file, but Justin, I’m not sure they’d find these relevant for this case, especially if the CPS records aren’t tied to Seth. I don’t want to get your hopes up when there’s a chance it won’t work out.”</p>
<p>“I understand,” Justin nods quickly, shifting again. “I just want to try to do anything to get them to see that he’s horrible and he needs all 7 years in jail.”</p>
<p>A kind smile flashes across Marcus’ face. “We can try anything,” he promises. “You can work with Lainie to write something. It doesn’t have to be long, I know right now it’s difficult for you to do long tasks.”</p>
<p>Nodding, Justin looks to Clay. “You’re still going to speak about the attack, right?”</p>
<p>“Of course,” Clay nods. “I’ve already been working on my statement with Dad. When it’s ready, I’ll let you read it.”</p>
<p>Justin sinks back, pressing his hand to his stomach. “What about my mom? Will she be charged the same?”</p>
<p>“She’ll probably get less time because she didn’t actively encourage him to stab you or beat you, but she’s still looking at a year or two,” he says, pulling a different folder from the pile. “She wasn’t charged with any drug crimes, so we won’t have to worry about tagging on any additional time.”</p>
<p>Justin allows Clay to steady him, sucking in a breath as he nods. “Okay, thank you.”</p>
<p>Marcus nods, talking legalities and timelines with Matt and Lainie, and when Justin asks Clay if they can go lay down in the other room, the two quietly excuse themselves.</p>
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</p>
<p>Dr. Ellman is always patient, allowing Clay to sit and process what he’s trying to say before he speaks.</p>
<p>Most of the time Clay is thankful, taking his time to gather his thoughts before saying anything. But today, as he sits there following the explanation that Seth won’t get more than 7 years in prison, he doesn’t want to talk about how he’s feeling. He doesn’t want time to gather his thoughts. He wants Dr. Ellman to ask him questions, to force him to think about things, and he wants to go back home to Justin and watch a movie, or maybe even hang out with Ani.</p>
<p>“You’re quiet today,” he notes, an amused smile crossing his face. “It sounds like it’s been an eventful few days. How have you been handling things?”</p>
<p>“Not great,” Clay shrugs. “Justin is just now getting back to his normal self after he adjusted his meds, but he’s still in a lot of pain and struggling, and I don’t know how much longer I can watch him.”</p>
<p>Dr. Ellman nods. “When you say you don’t know how much longer you can watch him, can you explain?”</p>
<p>Clay pulls at a hangnail. “He just… we have to be positive for him, obviously. He gets really discouraged that he’s not independent and he needs us for literally everything, so we’re constantly reminding him that this is temporary and he’s clearly getting stronger each day, but sometimes I just want to be really negative, like he is. Tell him that it sucks and I hate that I have to help him up or sit in the bathroom when he showers or encourage him to eat the equivalent of baby food just so he starts gaining weight back.”</p>
<p>Dr. Ellman’s pen guides along his notebook carefully. “Do you ask your parents if they can help Justin for a little while?” he asks. “I’m sure your parents have reiterated to you that they will be the leaders in Justin’s care. And while I think it’s admirable that you want to help Justin, I don’t think anyone would want you to do so at the expense of your mental health, even Justin.”</p>
<p>Opening his mouth to refute, Clay snaps his mouth shut. “There are things that I need to help Justin with,” he says carefully. “He can’t… sometimes he gets weak, and so I sit in the bathroom while he showers. He wouldn’t want our parents to do that.”</p>
<p>“I think that’s reasonable,” Dr. Ellman nods. “But do you think perhaps maybe you could scale back the amount you help him? Allow your parents to take control of his food intake or help him through physical therapy or getting up.”</p>
<p>Clay rubs his palms together uncomfortably. “But he needs my help.”</p>
<p>“Clay,” Dr. Ellman begins, leaning forward. “Do you believe that your parents are incapable of helping Justin through his recovery and steps he needs to get better?”</p>
<p>“No,” Clay relents. “They help him all day when I’m at school. I just… I don’t want to just sit around and not feel like I’m helping him when I’m home.”</p>
<p>Dr. Ellman nods, pausing. “While helping Justin is of course important, and I’m sure he’s grateful for your help when he needs it most, his needs cannot come before yours.”</p>
<p>“He needs more help right now.”</p>
<p>“Not at the expense of your own mental health,” Dr. Ellman replies, leaning back. “I think Justin would agree that if you needed to take a step back, then you do it. He trusts your parents, and will be grateful for any help that you can give him.”</p>
<p>Letting the information sink in, Clay sinks back into Dr. Ellman’s sofa.</p>
<p>“Talk to Justin about taking a step back. Help him understand why you need to not help him as often. But Clay,” he smiles, closing his notebook, “complain with him, too. You two are teenagers. Certainly no one is expecting either one of you to be optimistic all the time, especially given the circumstances you are both under.”</p>
<p>Smiling, Clay agrees as he stands up to leave.</p>
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<p>
  <strong>Friday.</strong>
</p>
<p>There are days where Lainie sits and watches Justin’s physical therapy appointments at home with a broad smile and a fluttering in her chest at their ability to see the progress being made, the strength that Justin once had slowly returning.</p>
<p>There are other days where Justin’s physical therapy appointments are full of frustration and not much progress, reverting back to mastered exercises and a promise that all days won’t be easy or perfect.</p>
<p>After a morning of new scans, blood tests and exams to make sure Justin was still healing correctly, Lainie takes a seat in a plastic chair out of the way in the physical therapy center, watching as Justin grows more frustrated at his lack of ability to twist and bend or lift light weights to gauge his strength.</p>
<p>Noelle, who’d been patient throughout the entire therapy session, helps Justin sit down on one of the tables for a break as she leaves them to go get him some water.</p>
<p>Lainie stands, moving to stand in front of him. “How are you doing?”</p>
<p>Justin shakes his head, shifting slowly. “Can we be done for today?” he asks, looking back up to her. “I just… I don’t feel good and I don’t think I can keep doing this today. I want to stop.”</p>
<p>Frowning, Lainie contemplates for a moment. “Dad is going to meet us here in 20 minutes to talk with your doctors about your scans and what comes next. Do you feel like you can make it through that?” she asks, pressing her hand to his forehead. “We can go down to the vending machines and get something to eat, take a break.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, shifting again. “Can you tell Noelle? I’ll do better next week, I promise.”</p>
<p>Cupping his cheek, Lainie smiles. “You don’t have to promise us anything, love. You’re working so hard, and you deserve a break.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, pulling back and accepting the cup Noelle hands him as Lainie turns to talk to her. Tuning out their conversation, Justin focuses on finishing the cup of water in his hands, shifting slowly.</p>
<p>“Justin, I know today wasn’t what you were hoping to accomplish,” Noelle says, standing back in front of him. “But you still did well, and we’ll work on getting your strength up throughout the next few weeks, okay?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, okay,” Justin nods, holding his hand out for Lainie to help him stand. “I’ll see you next week.”</p>
<p>He and Lainie walk slowly down the hall, stopping at the vending machines. Lainie buys Justin crackers and Gatorade and joins him in oversized chairs she already envisions Matt will have to help him out of, handing him his things and sitting down. “Is there anything you’d like to talk to Dr. Noel and Dr. Jacob about?”</p>
<p>Taking a bite of his cracker, Justin shrugs. “Can we ask about school?” he asks, unscrewing the lid to his Gatorade. “I mean, I know I probably won’t be able to go back in person yet, but I don’t want to fall too far behind.”</p>
<p>Lainie takes a bite of her own snack, smiling. “We can ask about school, sure,” she nods. “If they say it’s okay, we can look into tutors, or Matt and I could work with you to complete work as you can tolerate it.”</p>
<p>Nodding, Justin brightens when Matt walks up to join them, adjusting his tie as he kisses Lainie and ruffles Justin’s hair. “How was physical therapy?”</p>
<p>“Terrible,” Justin replies, reaching for another cracker.</p>
<p>Lainie sighs, looking to her husband. “Justin had a bit of a rough day, but he worked hard and did as well as he could,” she replies easily, looking back to Justin. “We ended a little early and decided to come get a snack.”</p>
<p>“You’ve been working really hard all week, kiddo,” Matt reminds him. “It’s okay to have a hard day.”</p>
<p>Justin sinks back. “I’m just tired of needing so much help. I couldn’t even lift weights more than three times before I got tired.”</p>
<p>Matt smiles. “It’s your first day doing anything like that though, right?” he asks, waiting for Justin to nod. “So just give it time. Remember how hard it used to be to walk from the bed to the chair in the hospital?’</p>
<p>Justin relents, nodding once more.</p>
<p>“This is just the next step. With time, you got better at walking. And you’ll get better at lifting things and carrying things, too,” he promises. “Are you ready to go upstairs and meet with the doctors?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Justin nods, handing his things to Lainie as Matt moves to help him up. “Lainie said we can talk about school with them. Even if I can’t go back in person yet, I don't want to fall too far behind.”</p>
<p>Making sure Justin is steady on his feet, Matt smiles. “We can talk about school with them, and I’m more than happy to be your teacher. Or we could look into tutors.” Stopping himself, he shakes his head. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” he smiles, shaking his head. “One step at a time with this.”</p>
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</p>
<p>Dr. Jacob seems surprised to hear Justin’s request of starting school again, glancing to Dr. Noel for a brief moment. “While I certainly don’t think you’re ready to be back in school in person quite yet, you’ve been doing better, and I’d be open to discussing homeschooling options for the time being as you can tolerate.”</p>
<p>Dr. Noel shifts. “Your scans and exams from this morning show a lot of positive progress,” he begins. “How have your headaches been?”</p>
<p>Justin shrugs, pulling his lip between his teeth. “Some are worse than others,” he admits quietly. “Sometimes I can’t do anything when I have one, but most of the time it’s just like… a dull headache now.”</p>
<p>Nodding, Dr. Noel takes a moment to gather his thoughts. “I’d like to start with just an hour or two a day. Focus on each task one at a time,” he begins. “It’s normal for you to have difficulty with memory or focusing, so don’t get too frustrated if that happens. Don’t push yourself to do more work when it’s not necessary. I’m sure your teachers will be accommodating with what you need.”</p>
<p>For a moment, Justin brightens. “Yeah, of course. I’ll do what I can,” he replies, smiling.</p>
<p>Dr. Noel smiles in return. “We’ll reevaluate in a few weeks when we meet again following more tests and scans. For now, keep your stress levels low and don’t set too many expectations. Slow steps, just as we’ve done with everything else.”</p>
<p>Justin passively listens to the rest of the conversation, and when he zones back in and realizes that it’s just he, Matt and Lainie left in the room, he pulls his front away and sinks back.</p>
<p>“I’m happy about being able to do some school,” he begins, resting his hand over his stomach, “but I still don’t feel good.”</p>
<p>On either side of him, Matt and Lainie share a glance. “Let’s get you home then, love. We can get some lunch and medicine and you can nap, okay?” Lainie replies, standing up as Matt helps Justin up.</p>
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<p>Justin sleeps most of the afternoon, much to the dismay of Clay when he arrives home from school and hears the news.</p>
<p>“He’s just running a slight fever, love,” Lainie reminds him gently, peering over the lid of her laptop as she works. “His doctors said it was nothing to worry about, that everything looks great and there’s no new infection.”</p>
<p>Clay shifts, nudging his backpack with his feet. “Yeah, but he had a hard day at physical therapy, he’s said he doesn’t feel well, and he’s running a fever. Isn’t this a setback?”</p>
<p>Lainie sets her pen down. “His doctors were pleased with his scans, blood tests and exams, and he was cleared to start doing a few hours of school each day,” she reminds him. “Yes, today was not his best day, but he did have good moments.”</p>
<p>“Is he still FaceTiming with the football team tonight?”</p>
<p>“If he wants to, sure,” Lainie nods. “It’ll depend on how he’s feeling.”</p>
<p>“Did you tell him I wasn’t feeling well?” Justin asks from the other room.</p>
<p>Clay turns, moving to come closer to him. He stops when Justin moves his legs to the side, pushing himself up slowly. Hesitant, Clay moves to step forward and help him, only to be stopped by Lainie.</p>
<p>“Give him a minute. He’s been excited to show you something,” she whispers, hand gripped firmly around his arm. She watches, nervous, and then pride floods through her as Justin stands on his own.</p>
<p>“Holy shit, Justin,” Clay says, smiling. “You can get up on your own now?”</p>
<p>Smiling, Justin walks slowly to the dining room, allowing Clay to pull out the chair for him. “I definitely can’t do it on my own all the time, and I can’t get up when I’m laying flat, but I can get up when I’m pretty propped up some of the time.”</p>
<p>Clay nods, smiling. “I was going to go see Tony and Caleb,” he begins again, eyes looking between Justin and Lainie. “If you’re feeling better, want to come with me? Maybe you’d feel better being out of the house, getting some fresh air.”</p>
<p>“Could I go with him?” Justin asks hopefully, shifting in the seat. “I’ll take my meds and then we can go?”</p>
<p>Lainie chews on the corner of her lip. “Do you feel better?” she asks, standing to feel his forehead.</p>
<p>Justin looks up at her, smiling. “I don’t feel worse,” he tries, earning a laugh from her.</p>
<p>“How long were you planning on being there?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know, not long,” Clay shrugs. “But if Justin starts not feeling well or needs to come home, we’ll leave.”</p>
<p>Folding her arms across her chest, Lainie sighs. “You can go with him if you’re feeling up to it,” she decides, smiling when Justin brightens. “Please don’t be out long, and Justin, if you need to come home, you’ll tell Clay?”</p>
<p>“I’ll tell Clay,” he promises. Standing up slowly, he turns to Clay. “Want to help me change into something that’s not pajama pants?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Clay smiles, following Justin down the hall to help him change into something clean.</p>
<p>Lainie takes her time in the kitchen pulling Justin’s pain medication and antibiotics from the locked cabinet, ignoring the buzzing in her chest and the anxiety permeating through her sweaty palms and thrumming heartbeat.</p>
<p>The last time Justin was out of her sight, he was attacked. She had been with him every waking second of every day for almost a month, caring for him when they were so uncertain of what his future would look like, when it didn’t feel like they could make it through the night, and watching him grow stronger and healthier with each passing day.</p>
<p>Logically, she knew he’d be okay with Clay. It wasn’t like she was sending him off with strangers or a group of friends without Clay there. But the anxiety she’s feeling, the pit in her stomach that rests heavy as she thinks about all the horrible outcomes that could happen while out of her sight is enough to make her feel sick.</p>
<p>Both boys return, and Justin allows Clay to pour him a glass of water, thanking Lainie when she places his medication in his hand. He takes them dutifully, grabs his pillow to support his side in the car, and stands back up. “I’ll be okay, Lainie,” he promises, stepping forward to hug her.</p>
<p>Lainie smiles, wrapping her arms back around him gently. “I know you will,” she nods, pulling back and grabbing a mask off the counter. “But just to ease my heart, since you still have a slight fever and aren’t feeling your best, bring this with you?”</p>
<p>Smiling as he rolls his eyes, he takes it from her. “Sure,” he agrees easily, turning to Clay. “Ready to go?”</p>
<p>Clay nods, saying goodbye to Lainie and helping Justin out the back door and down the stairs towards the car.</p>
<p>Lainie watches from the window as Clay helps Justin get situated, carefully backing down the driveway. She types out a quick text to Matt to let him know of the update, surprised to find that he responded immediately.</p>
<p>
  <em>This is a good step for all of us. It’s just a little while, Lain, and he’s with Clay. Just try to relax. I’m on my way home, and I think this calls for a celebratory glass of wine :)</em>
</p>
<p>Lainie smiles, sends a thumbs up back, and stress cleans the kitchen until Matt arrives back home.</p>
<p>
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<p>Clay drives under the speed limit, mindful of bumps and potholes and stopping too suddenly. For a while Justin doesn’t say anything, putting down his window and feeling the fresh air on his face, hair blowing back.</p>
<p>“I’m really grateful that you helped me get out of the house and all,” he begins when Clay begins stopping far before they get to the stop sign, “but you don’t have to drive this slow. Hitting a bump won’t kill me.”</p>
<p>Clay looks over, taking his time speeding up. “But it’ll hurt,” he counters, but Justin feels him going the speed limit and watches his knuckles relax their grasp around the steering wheel, and smiles smugly to himself.</p>
<p>Clay pulls up out front of Tony and Caleb’s, shutting the car off and looking out the window. “I forgot about the steps to get up to their apartment,” he admits, hands hovering over the key still in the ignition. “If you’re not feeling up to it, I can ask them to come down and we can go to Monet’s or something.”</p>
<p>Justin stares at the building, sighing. “It’s what, like five steps?” he asks, turning back to Clay. “If you feel up to helping me, then I can do it.”</p>
<p>Agreeing immediately, Clay climbs out of the car and walks around to help Justin, holding the door of their building open so he can walk through. Justin stands at the base of the steps, eyeing them before turning to Clay. “It’s only five steps, I’m pretty sure I can do it myself.”</p>
<p>Clay laughs, moving to step behind him. “Yeah, if I let you try to walk up concrete steps without help and something happens, I’m pretty sure Mom would never let us leave the house without them again. And I don’t think Dad will have a particularly strong argument for our side.”</p>
<p>“True,” Justin smiles, grabbing the railing as he and Clay make their way upstairs, walking slowly down the hall.</p>
<p>Tony and Caleb greet them, surprised when Justin smiles and walks in, heading straight for the couch. “I’m guessing Clay didn’t tell you I was coming?”</p>
<p>“He did not,” Tony replies, walking back to stand in front of Justin. “But it’s good to see you out of the house for a little while. I’m guessing you’re feeling a little better?”</p>
<p>Justin shrugs, situating the pillows around him. “Define a little,” he sighs. “I don’t feel as horrible as normal.”</p>
<p>“Well, that’s something,” Tony smiles. “You supposed to be wearing that?” he asks, nodding towards the mask held in Justin’s hand.</p>
<p>Justin glances at clay, twisting his fingers around the straps. “Probably? I have a little bit of a fever. But I think as long as you don’t like cough or breathe heavily on me or whatever, I’ll be fine.”</p>
<p>“We’re glad you felt up to coming, Justin,” Caleb says, handing Justin and Clay drinks. “Do you need anything?”</p>
<p>“You guys to act like there’s nothing wrong with me,” Justin smirks, taking a sip of his water. “I’m really just happy that I could just get out of the house for a little while and come hang out with you guys. I don’t want you to treat me special or anything.”</p>
<p>Clay sits beside him, the four of them hanging out talking about school and friends and hanging out as a group. Justin listens passively, interjecting when he can, but for as excited as he had been to feel normal for a few minutes, all he can really think about is how maybe he’s trying too hard to feel normal quicker than he should.</p>
<p>
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</p>
<p>Obliging Lainie’s request to enjoy their wine in the sunroom, he watches over his glasses and a book as Lainie tries and fails to entertain herself while they wait for them to come home.</p>
<p>“Clay would text if anything was wrong,” he says gently, a wry smile on his face. “Lain, he’s fine. This is a good step, and the fact that he asked if he could go indicates that he’s feeling a little better and stronger.”</p>
<p>Lainie takes a sip of wine, pressing her lips into a thin line. “Last time he was out with just Clay, he was attacked,” she says quietly. “It’s just my mind overthinking that something is going to happen if we’re not with him.”</p>
<p>Setting his book down, Matt moves to sit on the edge of his chair. “I understand your worry, honey, I do,” he says softly. “But we can’t shelter him forever. If he feels okay being out, then I think we need to listen to him on this one. Frankly, we were never going to be ready to let him out of the house without us,” he laughs.</p>
<p>Laughing, Lainie nods. She peers out the window behind her husband, relieved when Clay carefully pulls back into the driveway.</p>
<p>She sinks back against the sofa as they walk in the back door, Justin walking slowly. “Seeing Tony and Caleb was nice, it felt good to be out of the house, and now I’m going to FaceTime Charlie so I can talk with the team before the game,” Justin rattles off quickly, looking at them. “I’m still allowed to do that, right?”</p>
<p>Lainie sighs, nodding. “If you’re feeling up to it, sure,” she replies. Setting her wine down, she moves to stand in front of him. “Sweetheart, you’ve had a lot of activity today, and you haven’t been feeling well. Are you sure you feel up to talking with everyone?”</p>
<p>Justin obliges her request to feel his forehead, nodding. “It won’t be for long. Just a few minutes before they go out for the game. And then no screens the rest of the night.”</p>
<p>Glancing back at Matt, Lainie focuses her attention back to her son. “I need you to drink a protein shake while you talk to them. And I need you to take it easy. Justin, I know you want to do normal things and feel better, but love, we’ve got to take this slowly.”</p>
<p>“I know,” he relents, shoulders sagging as he swallows. “I’ll drink the protein shake, and I promise I’ll take it easy.”</p>
<p>With an agreement between them, Lainie allows Clay and Justin to go to Matt’s office and get Justin settled in bed, moving to the kitchen to grab a protein shake from the fridge.</p>
<p>By the time she returns Matt has joined the boys, handing Justin something to prop his phone up on and making sure he’s properly supported sitting up. She hands him the protein shake, kissing the top of his head.</p>
<p>“We’ll be in the sunroom. Just yell if you need us, okay?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, okay,” he nods, smiling.</p>
<p>She reluctantly leaves the room with Clay and Matt, sitting in the sunroom anxiously awaiting the call to be over.</p>
<p>
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</p>
<p>It takes a moment for Charlie to answer, his phone outstretched in front of him and the football team piled behind him. Justin brightens, turning down the volume on his phone as he leans back.</p>
<p>“Hey guys,” he says, laughing when their replies come out muffled and excited. “I can’t talk long, and I wish I could be with all of you in person, but just know that I’m cheering from home and I’ll be back soon to be on the sidelines.”</p>
<p>“We can’t wait for our captain to be back,” Zach says, resting his hand on Luke’s arm.</p>
<p>“We’ve got your jersey ready to bring out to the field with us, buddy,” Luke smiles, holding it up for him to see. “It’s never looked so clean.”</p>
<p>Justin bites his lip as the team laughs at Luke’s joke, smiling. “You guys don’t have to bring that out with you all the time.”</p>
<p>“We want to,” Luke smiles. “You’re our captain. And until you can be back with us in person, we’re going to keep you around the team in any way that we can.”</p>
<p>Justin bites until he tastes the blood to stop himself from crying, nodding. “I… hopefully it won’t be too long until I can visit all of you in person,” he promises.</p>
<p>He allows the team to fill the rest of the time on the call, relief flowing through him when Kerba lets everyone know they have to get outside. Charlie waits until it’s quiet, grabbing his helmet from the bench.</p>
<p>“You okay?” he asks, watching as Justin wipes under his eyes.</p>
<p>Nodding quickly, Justin laughs. “I guess I just didn’t think they would all care that much.”</p>
<p>“They all care about you. They ask about you all the time,” he promises. “I’m gonna go win us a game. Let me know if you want to hang out this weekend?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, sure,” Justin smiles. “Good luck, Char. Text me how it goes.”</p>
<p>“I will,” Charlie promises. “Love you, Justin.”</p>
<p>“Love you,” Justin replies with a smile, his phone falling to the bed beside him.</p>
<p>He allows himself a few minutes of blissful silence, sipping his protein shake and feeling oddly emotional about the love his teammates have for him, even when he can’t be there.</p>
<p>
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</p>
<p>As a result of a busy day, Justin finds that the pain is worse than normal at night, making it hard to get comfortable and sleep.</p>
<p>Despite Justin’s numerous insistences that she can go to bed and he’ll be fine alone, Lainie stays up with him in his bedroom, climbing into the opposite side of the bed and allowing him to curl against her shoulder as they ride out the pain and wait for his next medication dose together.</p>
<p>“I know you wanted to hang out with your friends and get out of the house today, and I’m glad you got to, but I think maybe we overdid it a little.”</p>
<p>Nodding slowly, Justin yawns. “It was too much after physical therapy and not feeling good. I shouldn’t have pushed it,” he agrees quietly.</p>
<p>Lainie runs her fingers gently across his scalp, embracing the white noise of the ceiling fan for a while as Justin shifted and turned slightly, trying to get comfortable.</p>
<p>“I only kept saying I wanted to do things because it made me feel normal,” he admits, fingers playing with the hem of his t-shirt. “It was like for a little while I wasn’t hurt or sick or not able to do everything I was before. For a minute I was the old Justin. Normal Justin. And I just thought that maybe if I could do so many things like I did before, maybe it would make me feel more like my old self.”</p>
<p>Listening to his quiet admission, Lainie’s heart shatters. Selfishly, she had been so focused on how she viewed Justin’s recovery, the ups and downs and how she was going to get him through it. To think about how he must’ve been feeling, the pain and anxiety and uncertainty of what each day would bring, had only been a passing thought in her mind.</p>
<p>She takes a breath, grazing her nails over his scalp. “You have made so much progress, my love. I hope you’re able to see that,” she says quietly, feeling him nod against her shoulder. “I know you wish you were able to do more, I know you want to be able to go out and hang out with friends or see the football team in person, but I think right now we need to take it one step at a time.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Justin whispers. Clearing his throat, he sighs. “Can I have a washcloth for my forehead?”</p>
<p>Lainie smiles, fingers feather light against his warm skin, and nods as she stands and disappears for a moment. Returning, she places the washcloth on Justin’s forehead, climbing back into bed with him and allowing him to pull close to her once more.</p>
<p>She listens to his breathing, shallow and even, and glances down to find his eyes still open, blinks getting slower. “How are you feeling?” she asks softly, smiling when he tips his head back and blinks back at her. “You can have the pain meds in another 20 minutes.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, sighing. “If I don’t move, it’s not so bad. Everything just hurts, though.”</p>
<p>Lainie nods, dragging her fingers along his arm. “Medication, and then hopefully you can get some sleep.”</p>
<p>Nodding, Justin settles back against her arm. “‘m sorry for worrying you,” he says quietly. “For trying to do too much and act like I was fine.”</p>
<p>Lainie smiles, kissing the top of his head. “Justin, honey, I always worry about you,” she says quietly. “Even before this, I worried about you. And when you’re fully better and able to do everything freely, guess what? I’m still going to worry about you.”</p>
<p>“Sometimes I think that’s all being a parent is,” she continues, resting her cheek against his head. “You see your kids grow up and start becoming independent, and you worry the whole time you’re gone until they’re back home and safe in their beds. I worry about you and Clay the same. I worry that you don’t feel I’m there enough, or maybe I’m there too much. I worry that I’m going to say something that hurts you or your brother, or that maybe I gave you both too much freedom. I worry about everything when it comes to you two.”</p>
<p>Justin sighs, reaching out to twist her bracelet around her wrist. It feels so juvenile, a stark reminder of what Clay used to do when he was young and she would lay with him after a nightmare, or when he wasn’t feeling well. She stills her hands, pressing her lips to his head.</p>
<p>“My mom never cared,” he says quietly, fingers dancing along the delicate chain of the bracelet. “She didn’t ask where I was if I didn’t come home for a few days, or care about me when I wasn’t feeling well. I guess I just didn’t think about how worried you’d be about me.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry she didn’t care, Justin,” Lainie whispers, pulling him closer. “But I don’t want you to feel bad about my worrying. It’s just me as a mother. And no matter how worried I am, I’m always going to celebrate you being independent and growing up and feeling free to make choices that make you happy.”</p>
<p>“Thank you,” he whispers, smiling. “For everything you’ve done for me.”</p>
<p>“I’d do it a million times over,” she whispers, reluctantly pulling away to grab his medication from her bathroom. Returning, she climbs back into bed and hands him the pills. “Anything you ever need, you can ask for. I hope you know that. I don’t want you to ever feel like you can’t ask for something or tell us what you need to feel better.”</p>
<p>Justin swallows his pills, nodding. “I know, thank you,” he smiles politely, a shade of what it was like when he first arrived. He hesitates, handing her his water bottle to put back on the nightstand, and then sighs. “Can you stay until I fall asleep?”</p>
<p>Lainie smiles. “Of course, love,” she whispers, climbing back into bed beside him, listening as his breathing slowly evens out.</p>
<p>When she’s sure he’s asleep she carefully crawls out from underneath him, kissing the top of his head and shutting the lights off.</p>
<p>Even through the uncertainty, even through the guilt and the worry that never strayed far from Lainie’s mind, for the first time in a long time, Lainie feels like she’s beginning to see light at the end of a very dark tunnel.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you guys for reading/commenting! :)</p>
<p>next week is more family focused, but Evie does return in some capacity :)</p>
<p>talk to you next Friday!</p>
<p>title of the chapter is from Someone Like You by Adele</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. I'm afraid I might break under pressure</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Lainie makes a family decision, Clay moves into the outhouse, and Justin grows frustrated at his progress.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lainie’s checklists had been shifted from household chores to appointments, milestones, and goals for both of her boys.</p><p>It was a stark reminder of how quickly things had changed. Flipping back to a few weeks prior, her calendar was filled with deadlines for work, Justin’s sports and Clay’s after school activities. She and Matt would pencil in date nights and a few hours away from their boys as often as they could, eagerly looking forward to stepping away from their daily routine to spend time together as a couple.</p><p>Now she can’t fathom going out for date night. She can’t let herself dream about getting out of the house for a few hours, enjoying a glass of wine and the time to reconnect with her husband. She can’t think about the Friday nights spent crammed in the bleachers watching Justin’s football games, or the animated dinner conversations of Clay talking about his activities that he’s now all but abandoned in favor of coming home after school to be with Justin.</p><p>But they keep moving forward. Lainie walks through her next few weeks, schedules appointments for Justin and makes a note to check in with Clay about therapy. She jots down to look into tutoring and family therapy for all four of them to attend, and writes in the margins that it’s okay to not hit these timelines she’s setting.</p><p>She listens to the birds outside the window she’s opened on an unseasonably warm fall day, signs off on the last papers for the contractors as the outhouse is completed that afternoon, and maps out the first few days of tutoring for Justin using the packets his teachers sent home so he could keep up with his classmates. With Matt and Clay out of the house getting a few last minute things for the outhouse, she takes advantage of the quiet moment to work on a few work deadlines that had been looming heavy, despite her boss’ insistence that she could take her time on any non-important deadlines.</p><p>When Justin walks in, slow steps and his face pale, Lainie abandons the work beside her that she had planned to do that afternoon.</p><p>“I thought you were sleeping on the sofa, love,” she smiles, reaching out to help him sit down. “You okay?”</p><p>“I still feel sick,” he mumbles, resting his head in his hands. “It’s been a few days, why don’t I feel better?”</p><p>Lainie furrows her eyebrows, leaning forward to feel his forehead. She walks and grabs the thermometer, returning and pressing it to his forehead. “Justin, I need to check your incisions,” she says softly, setting the thermometer down on the table. “Your fever is up, and we need to make sure it’s not because of an infection.”</p><p>“They don’t hurt,” Justin replies weakly, pushing his hands through his hair.</p><p>“Love,” Lainie sighs. “You know that doesn’t mean much. Do you want me to check here, or should we go lay back down?”</p><p>“I can’t lay on that sofa anymore,” he replies, leaning back in the chair and lifting his shirt.</p><p>Lainie nods, reaching for the hand sanitizer before she peels back the bandages slowly. “They look okay,” she says, apologizing quietly when Justin winces in pain at her touch. “I don’t like your fever, though.”</p><p>“I don’t want to go back to the hospital.”</p><p>“I don’t want to have to take you back to the hospital, Justin,” she smiles, resting her hand on his arm. “I’m going to check in with the on-call nurse, see what she thinks we should do. Maybe we could just have Mrs. Standall come over and check on you instead of going to the hospital.”</p><p>Nodding, Justin leans back and listens to Lainie’s phone call, closing his eyes and crossing his arms over his chest. Lainie’s voice is quiet, concern laced through her inflection as she speaks quietly and thanks them before hanging up.</p><p>“We don’t need to go to the hospital,” she smiles, thumb brushing against his skin. “Since you just had blood tests on Friday and all your counts looked great, they don’t believe that this could be an infection. You would’ve been showing signs then. They think maybe it’s just your standard cold or flu, and gave me medications that are safe to take with your other medications.”</p><p>Justin nods, looking back at her. “I don’t think I want to take anything.”</p><p>Lainie frowns, watching Justin carefully. “How about we take that as it comes,” she bargains. “I understand your reluctance with medications, sweetheart, and you know that we always do our best to honor that. But if you’re feeling terrible and we can alleviate that, I’m going to strongly suggest you take something.”</p><p>“Okay,” Justin agrees, clearing his throat. “What happens now?”</p><p>“You rest,” Lainie smiles. “You have no therapy today, so let’s just take it easy. I’m still going to see if Mrs. Standall can come check on you, but otherwise we’ll just have to work through it like we would if you were sick normally.”</p><p>Defeated, Justin nods and mumbles that he’s going to lay in bed, shrugging off Lainie’s offer to help. Lainie bites her lip, watching him walk slowly and close the door to Matt’s office partway, and works towards deadlines in a lame attempt to distract her mind from the helpless feeling she had every time she thought about her youngest son, who couldn’t seem to catch a break.</p><p>
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</p><p>After looking over Justin and agreeing with the on-call doctor that he’s fine and this is just a cold, Carolyn joins Lainie in the kitchen, thanking her quietly when she sets a mug of tea in front of her.</p><p>“Lainie, I know it’s hard to see him like this, but I promise you this is nothing more than a normal cold,” she assures her with a smile. “I’d take him in if his incisions are red or irritated, or he can’t keep water down. Otherwise he’s fine and just needs to rest and relax.”</p><p>Lainie nods, taking a sip of her own tea. “It was like we were making so much progress, and now he’s stalling again. I don’t know how you managed to get through the back and forth with such grace.”</p><p>A smile passes across Carolyn’s face. “I spent many nights in bed crying at the setbacks and time lost and that hopeless feeling that nothing we did was enough. There were nights I didn’t sleep because I was thinking about how Alex would reach his goals or attend school with his friends again.”</p><p>She extends her hand across the table. “It’s okay to cry, Lainie. To grieve your life before the accident, to wish that you could be back there and have a chance to do things differently,” she assures her, squeezing gently. “There’s no shame in feeling like life was easier before all of this. I hope you know that.”</p><p>“I do,” Lainie whispers. She stares at their hands, squeezing back in reply, and sighs. “I’ve been thinking about family therapy for the four of us to go to as a group. Maybe it’s late, maybe we should’ve been doing this before the accident back when Justin was first adopted, but I like to think it’s always better late than never.”</p><p>Carolyn smiles politely. “We did family therapy for the first few months once given the all clear from Alex’s doctors,” she says. “To this day, I think it’s the most beneficial thing we’ve done. It gave us the space to heal, to discuss how we felt, what we needed to change, and how we move forward as a family. We were able to open up in ways we hadn’t been able to before.”</p><p>“Did Alex respond to it?”</p><p>“After a while,” she smiles. “Look, I’m not saying family therapy didn’t come without its challenges. There were days where it felt like I was pulling teeth getting both Peter and Alex to go. There were days where going to family therapy was the hardest part of Alex’s routine. But overall, it was the most beneficial aspect of healing as a family.”</p><p>Lainie feels her mind ease at the glowing endorsement of family therapy, and as she and Carolyn catch up, she finally has the faintest feeling that she’s able to keep her head above water and not feel like she’s drowning all the time.</p><p>
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</p><p>“Clay is so excited about moving into the outhouse tomorrow,” Matt smiles as he climbs into bed beside Lainie. “But I think he’s more excited that Justin felt well enough to sleep in their room together one final night.”</p><p>Lainie smiles. “I feel horrible that we can’t just be celebrating this the way we wanted to. That even though Clay gets to be overjoyed about moving into their space, Justin isn’t ready to move in yet with him like we hoped.”</p><p>Grabbing his book from the nightstand, Matt nods. “Soon enough he’ll be strong enough to be out there, just like we always planned,” he assures her. “But we can’t be upset about this tomorrow. It’ll take away from one of the first joyous things to happen over the last month and a half for Clay.”</p><p>Lainie nods, reading through the end of the brief she had been outlining most of the day. Peering over the edge of her glasses, she takes a deep breath. “I want to go to family therapy. All four of us together.”</p><p>Matt stills, finger folded underneath the page of his book. “How long have you been thinking about this?”</p><p>Lainie stares at the photo hanging on the wall until it blurs, sighing. “Since before the accident,” she admits. “I thought about it a lot when it came to thinking about Justin’s adoption and previous trauma. But my gut feeling is that we need to get into family therapy now, we need to work through the aftermath of the attack and anything else that we haven’t discussed openly with the guidance of a therapist.”</p><p>Matt hums beside her, marking his spot. “We certainly haven’t neglected Justin’s adjustment,” he defends. “While I agree we probably would have done better with a family therapist, I don’t think we did horribly.”</p><p>Lainie turns to look at him. “We could’ve done better,” she whispers. “And I want to do better now. I want to help our boys work through everything they’ve been through. I want to begin healing together as a family.”</p><p>Reaching for her hand, Matt interlaces their fingers together. “Let’s do it. Let’s go to therapy together as a family,” he smiles. “How are we going to convince the boys this is a good choice?”</p><p>“I think they’ll go for it,” she smiles. “I think we also need to make it clear that they’ll still have their normal therapy appointments, where they’ll discuss privately anything that’s bothering them, just as they always do. And then we can remind them that this is temporary, that we’d just like to start this work as a family until we all feel we’re in a good place.”</p><p>“We’ll do it as a team,” he decides, leaning over to kiss the side of her head. “We’ll figure this out, Lain. I promise.”</p><p>Lainie wills herself to believe that.</p><p>
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</p><p>Predictably, Justin’s mood swings from excited to deflated when it comes to seeing the outhouse finally finished, Clay beginning to move his belongings into his side of the room. Justin sat on the sofa and watched Clay unpack boxes and make his bed with new sheets, picking at a scab on his knuckle.</p><p>“I figured we’d each get half, like we talked about, you know?” Clay says, pointing towards the dressers.</p><p>Justin blinks to focus, nodding. “We each get half,” he agrees, shifting slowly.</p><p>“You know, love, we can start moving your things in here. And then, when you’re ready, all we have to do is move the bed in here,” Lainie offers, desperate to make Justin feel included on a day that had once promised to be so exciting.</p><p>Justin just shrugs in reply, sighing. “I probably won’t be allowed out here anytime soon, anyway,” he says quietly, leaning back and looking at the ceiling. “I’ll just do it all at once.”</p><p>Lainie looks to her husband, who stops unpacking Clay’s comic books and walks over to the sofa. “Justin, buddy, I think you’re a lot closer to being able to be out here than you realize,” he says quietly, only deflating slightly when his words don’t do anything to brighten Justin’s mood.</p><p>“I can’t get out of bed by myself yet. And if I can’t do that, then I can’t move out here, right?”</p><p>“You’re working on it in physical therapy though, right?” Matt reminds him. His hand hovers, moving to reach out, and then he retracts. “Kiddo, we want you to move out here as soon as possible, but we’re not going to rush things. I promise that soon enough you’ll be in here.”</p><p>“What do I need to do to move out here?” Justin asks, blinking slowly as he looks at him. “Everything, not just the whole sitting up thing.”</p><p>Matt smiles. “Besides the whole getting yourself out of bed, your mother and I would like your headaches to subside a little more.”</p><p>“They have been getting better,” Justin retorts, sinking back when Matt reaches out to calm him down. “They’re not as bad and I don’t get them as much as I used to.”</p><p>“I know,” Matt nods. “But we also need to know that you can handle the steps back into the house with no support,” he continues. “You don’t get up when Clay goes to school, so we’d need to be confident that you can get yourself up the steps without any help. Of course, one of us will still be home, and we’d be able to come out and help you if there are times where you couldn’t.”</p><p>Justin mulls the requests over, eyes flicking from Matt back to Clay, who has continued to unpack. “I’ve been working on steps in physical therapy,” he reminds them, chewing on his lip. “When we go back inside, can I try the steps without you guys standing near me?”</p><p>Matt looks to Lainie, who looks as if she’s seen a ghost. While it’s obvious to him that Lainie is in no way ready to oblige Justin’s request, Matt swallows his own uncertainty and focuses back on his son. “Sure,” he nods. Glancing at his watch, he looks back to Justin. “It’s time for your meds now, anyway. Let’s go in and get something to eat so you can take your pain meds and Tylenol for that fever we can’t seem to kick. Then we can come back out and see how much progress Clay and Mom make.”</p><p>Justin nods, shrugging off Matt’s help to get off the sofa as he manages to do it himself. Together they slowly leave the outhouse and make their way up the steps. Matt stands a few steps behind Justin, arms crossed over his chest and his heart in his throat as he watches Justin take the steps one at a time, hand firmly gripping the railing.</p><p>For as terrified as Matt felt supervising what is undoubtedly the most progress Justin has made, he would do it all over again just to witness the smile on his son’s face when he opened the door and stepped inside, turning around to look at Matt.</p><p>“Justin, kiddo, that was amazing!” Matt smiles, walking up the rest of the steps and following him inside. “How do you feel?”</p><p>“Tired,” Justin admits, pulling soup from the fridge and handing it to Matt for him to heat up. “But I did it, and I’m really proud of myself.”</p><p>Matt pauses, smiling to himself as he listens to Justin sit down. To hear Justin say he was proud of himself, a statement he had never made, made him want to cry.</p><p>It was everything he had hoped for, the dreams and wishes stuck under his breath when he would think about what acclimation into the family would look like for Justin. He remembers looking up journaling prompts to help organize his thoughts, coming across a prompt about his hopes for his child as he officially became part of their family.</p><p>He pondered over the question for hours, finally writing a bulleted list of dreams he had for Justin.</p>
<ul>
<li><em>Feel comfortable with sharing whatever is on his mind</em></li>
<li><em>Ask for things he wants, not just for things he needs</em></li>
<li><em>Never be afraid to ask for help</em></li>
<li><em>Work through his past and help him acclimate</em></li>
<li><em>Learn to cope and understand his emotions</em></li>
<li><em>Be proud of himself in school, or sports, or accomplishments</em></li>
</ul><p>He always assumed that having Justin share his pride in his accomplishments was a long shot. Justin had been so quick to deflect, passing off improved test grades to the tutoring he received from Clay most nights, or his interception in their biggest football game of the season to the hands of his teammate that it glanced off of. He never wanted credit for anything, always thanking someone else. Just once, Matt wanted him to acknowledge his own accomplishments, the hard work recognized and celebrated in the way it deserved.</p><p>He had always assumed Justin’s pride in himself would come with getting into college or winning a playoff football game like the team seemed destined to do this year. He never thought it would come from walking up five steps unassisted, hand protectively wrapped around his stomach as he continued to heal.</p><p>He pours Justin’s soup into a bowl, setting it in front of him. “I’m really proud of you, too, kiddo,” he says as he walks back to get his pills before joining him at the table. “And not just for making it up the steps without help or being able to get yourself off the sofa. But for how hard you’re working, and how even though a lot of this is hard, you’re still allowing us to help you get better.”</p><p>The heat rises on Justin’s cheeks, a smile masked as he blows on his soup. “Do you really think I’ll be able to be out in the outhouse soon? Even when I’m not totally better?”</p><p>Matt busies himself making a sandwich, nodding. “Mom’s going to need to be convinced a little, but I think a little more practice on the steps and some more time figuring out how to get out of bed by yourself and you’ll be fine to be out there alone.”</p><p>When Justin smiles and nods without saying anything else, Matt decides to take it as a victory.</p><p>Huge progress for a time where it feels like they are stalling.</p><p>
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</p><p>Sacrificing her rules of eating dinner together as a family in the kitchen, Lainie senses that Justin, who’s become more run down throughout the day as his fever continues to linger, needs to just lay down.</p><p>She finds the casualness of eating in the living room a better way to open up, waiting until their plates were almost cleared.</p><p>“Your father and I have been talking, and we think that it would be beneficial for all of us to go to family therapy.”</p><p>“As a group?” Clay asks, setting his fork down. “But what about Justin and I going to individual therapy?”</p><p>“You still would,” Lainie assures him. “But honey, this incident was something that affected all of us. There’s a lot that we could work on as a family, and we think the most beneficial step is to start family therapy, even if it’s only temporary.”</p><p>While Clay looks skeptical, Justin shrugs as he takes a bite of his noodles. “I’m okay with it,” he replies, leaning back. “I think it’ll probably be good for everyone to talk about it.”</p><p>When Justin agrees, Clay relents. “Yeah, okay. We can do family therapy,” he agrees, stabbing his fork into his meatloaf.</p><p>Lainie doesn’t press the conversation further or try to be more optimistic. She just takes the agreement from her sons as a win, and allows Clay to take over the conversation as he talks about his plans to go on a date with Ani, laughing when Justin weakly tries to give him tips to make sure it all goes well.</p><p>_______________________________</p><p>Lainie had been used to listening to the physical therapists suggestions to take more breaks, to slow down what they were working on. She was used to watching Justin push through the pain, reach milestones and independence that once felt so far away.</p><p>She’s not used to Justin struggling in therapy, their goals shifting from moving with bribery to being totally independent. Lainie had braced herself for this stage, read hundreds of research articles and blog posts of what to expect, but none really conveyed how it felt until she was living through it.</p><p>Noelle leaves Justin safely in the hands of Jared, one of the other physical therapists, and pulls Lainie aside. “I know you’re worried,” she begins, which brings a mix of relief and concern to Lainie. “I know after all the progress we’ve been making, it’s difficult to watch Justin struggle with the more independent exercises and tasks. But this is actually progress, as odd as that may sound.”</p><p>“He’s had this fluctuating fever, but his doctors let us know this morning that he’d be okay to come today,” Lainie explains. “Do you think that has anything to do with why he’s stalling? He wasn’t feeling well the other day either when he asked to end early.”</p><p>Noelle smiles politely. “It could, yes, but patients with severe abdominal injuries tend to hit a stalling phase of their recovery. Justin’s recovering from many significant injuries, including repairing the muscles of his abdomen and a head injury. We expected this, but it now becomes managing Justin’s expectations. Helping him understand that this is normal, it won’t be forever, and even if it feels like he’s failing more than he’s succeeding, he’s still making progress.”</p><p>Lainie blows out a breath, adjusting her purse on her shoulder. “How do we do that?”</p><p>“Remind him of what he can do. Help him practice getting up from a laying down position on his own, or walking up more steps without assistance. He’s strong enough to make more progress there,” she explains. “You can also keep working on his approved exercises, his food intake, being as independent as he can right now. There’s so much he can do, but it’s easy to get hung up on where he’s stuck.”</p><p>Lainie swallows her pride, nodding. “We can certainly keep doing that,” she smiles, glancing back at Justin, who manages a smile when he pulls himself up from laying flat. “How long does it take to see more progress? To get over this hump.”</p><p>“It’s hard to say,” Noelle says softly. “He’s young, he’s healthy, all things considered, and he’s motivated. There’s no reason why we won’t get over this hump soon. We just need to be patient.”</p><p>Lainie thanks her, moving back to Justin, who had been working on his final exercises. She waits, handing him the Gatorade he asked to bring when he finishes, and runs her fingers through his hair. “Ready to go home?”</p><p>“Yes,” Justin nods, holding out his hand as he slides off the table, following her out.</p><p>He doesn’t say anything through most of the car ride, instead pressing his head against the window as Lainie drives carefully back home. It’s only when she stops at a red light that he speaks up, pushing himself to sit normally.</p><p>“I have a new goal I want to add to the list,” he says, pressing his head back against the headrest. “I want to go to senior night for football. Even if we have to leave early, or I can only stay to be honored. I want to be there with the team, and I want to walk out on the field with the rest of the seniors.”</p><p>Lainie smiles, glancing at Justin before back to the road. “Okay,” she beams, turning slowly as she pulls onto their street. “We’ll add it to the list when we get home.”</p><p>Justin nods, smiling, and when a song he likes comes on, he turns it up a little too loud and hums along.</p><p>
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  </span>
</p><p>Matt’s approach to parenting had always been calm. He’d been able to diffuse situations, deal with fluctuating teen moods and hormones with a grace and composure Lainie had always envied. He’d been able to come up with compromises and punishments when the situation arose, and Lainie often deflected the moments she usually let get under her skin to him with an understanding that he’d handle it much better than she could.</p><p>Justin’s recovery had been largely settled in Lainie’s hands. Organizing appointments, providing encouragement to keep working on exercises when it was hard was more her expertise, one that Matt was more than overjoyed to relinquish to his wife.</p><p>Instead, Matt took control as being the voice of reason in Justin’s recovery. When he had a hard day or didn’t want to do something, Matt was quick to put things into perspective, a quiet reminder that Justin was fine, that they wouldn’t push him, but sometimes difficult tasks were part of getting better.</p><p>Justin had asked to take a nap in bed after physical therapy, his fever elevated after a morning of working hard. Lainie obliged, watching him walk upstairs slowly, heart in her throat as she resisted the urge to reach out and help him as she normally would. His look of triumph when they reached the top was enough to know she made the right choice.</p><p>The house is quiet, giving Lainie a chance to work on deposition and client briefs that had been pushed to her colleagues in her absence. Matt returns home, working from his office after dropping a kiss to her head and receiving a recap of therapy and how Justin was doing, and for a moment, Lainie almost forgets how upside down their lives currently are. How terrifying their living in the moment currently is.</p><p>It’s only when there’s a bang upstairs and Justin yells out that she is slammed back to reality, standing and following Matt upstairs. Stopping short when she hears the conversation, Lainie hovers on the landing of the staircase.</p><p>“I could do it earlier today!” Justin says, frustration laced through his words. “I got up by myself earlier. I didn’t need anyone’s help, I sat up when I was laying down and I got off the table without any help.”</p><p>“I heard about your progress at therapy. I’m very proud of you for that, kiddo. We all are,” Matt replies, sitting on Clay’s old bed.</p><p>Lainie takes a step up, peering through the banister to watch the conversation.</p><p>Justin shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut. “You don’t get it! The only reason I’m sitting up right now is because you helped me,” he says, staring at his lap. His fists gather in his comforter, lip caught between his teeth. Lainie watches him steady himself, pushing his feet into the floor. “I’m so tired of not being able to do anything. I’m not getting any better, so what’s the point of continuing to do this! To keep going to all the therapy appointments and working at home. I’m always going to be like this now.”</p><p>“Justin,” Matt begins, but is cut off when Justin looks up at him.</p><p>“Please don’t tell me you know how hard I’m working,” he says quietly. “Please don’t tell me that you know that I’m frustrated and it’s hard, but that I’m going to keep getting better. Don’t tell me that you know I’m going to be okay. Because I don’t believe it. I can’t… nothing good ever happens to me, okay? And they’re not going to change now just because you adopted me!”</p><p>Clamping her hand over her mouth, Lainie allows the tears to blur her vision, leaning back against the railing.</p><p>Matt stands, crossing the boys’ room with ease, and hands Justin a stress ball that was on Clay’s dresser. “Throw it,” he says, crossing his arms over his chest and taking a step back. Justin looks at him dumbly, the stress ball resting in his hand. “Look, I’d suggest we go to one of those rage rooms, but I think your doctors would frown upon you using your core muscles to swing a heavy sledgehammer at some glass right now. We can save that for when you’re stronger.”</p><p>Justin blinks, glancing at the ball and then back to Matt. “What if it leaves a mark? Or a dent?”</p><p>Matt smiles. “Then we’ll spend an afternoon fixing it. In my eyes, that’s just more physical therapy for you. And that is definitely not a bad thing,” he teases.</p><p>Sensing the hesitation in Justin, Matt takes a step forward. “I get you’re frustrated,” he begins, catching Justin’s attention again. “While I don’t agree that we’ve reached full recovery, I also know that my words aren’t going to make you feel better right now. So, throw the stress ball. Put marks on the wall, dent it if you have to. And if you don’t want to do that, then tell me what you need to feel better. I want to help, kiddo. We all do. But we can’t if you don’t tell us what you need.”</p><p>Nodding, Justin swallows roughly. He braces himself with his free hand, tossing the ball across the room and hitting the wall with a thud. Matt smiles, walking forward and retrieving it. He hands it back to Justin, laughing as they toss the stress ball for a few minutes. When Justin stops, tossing the ball lightly in the air in front of him instead, Matt moves to sit beside him.</p><p>“I’m sorry for freaking out. And getting mad and yelling,” Justin says quietly. “I know this isn’t the best I can do. I know it’s just a rough period, and I’ll keep getting better eventually.”</p><p>“In this family, we don’t apologize for how we’re feeling,” Matt says gently. “It’s okay to be upset or angry at the situation. It’s okay to feel like you’re never going to get any better. Hell, you’re handling this a whole lot better than I ever could.”</p><p>Justin laughs, using the heel of his hand to wipe away tears.</p><p>“Lainie and I, we want you to feel comfortable telling us that you’re upset or frustrated, just as much as you tell us when you’re happy or excited. Even if that means that you need to yell or scream. We will never be upset for you expressing your emotions. We just want you to be safe.”</p><p>Nodding, Justin sucks in a breath, his breathing shaky. “Thank you.”</p><p>Matt smiles, leaning over to brush his fingers through Justin’s hair. “Anytime, kiddo,” he whispers. “Now, we can go downstairs, or I can bring your medicine and a snack up here and you can watch a movie on your laptop until Clay gets home from school in an hour.”</p><p>Contemplating it for a moment, Justin breaks out into a watery grin. “I want to stay up here. I want to show Clay what I did to the wall, and I don’t think I can climb up and down the steps that much today since I did so much at therapy,” he smirks. “And I’ll help clean the wall tomorrow.”</p><p>“It’ll be our activity tomorrow after your appointment with Dr. Ellman,” Matt smiles, standing. “How are we feeling about goldfish crackers for a snack? Maybe some juice instead of water?”</p><p>“Apple,” Justin replies quickly, gently leaning back against the pillows. “I think I can stomach goldfish crackers. But will you, um… will you watch the movie with me?”</p><p>“Of course,” Matt smiles, pressing a kiss to his head with a promise that he would be right back.</p><p>He runs into Lainie on the steps, the concern on his face breaking out into a grin as he takes her hand and walks the rest of the way down the steps. “Is it bad that I’m overjoyed at how he yelled at me? How hard he threw the ball against the wall, knowing that it was going to leave a mark that we would normally disapprove of?”</p><p>Lainie grabs the apple juice from the fridge, shaking her head. “I couldn’t believe it. Maybe it makes us horrible parents, but Matt, he’s yelling at us. He’s being a normal teenager.”</p><p>Matt laughs, shaking his head. “I just… this feels more triumphant, as horrible as that sounds.”</p><p>“I know,” Lainie whispers. She hands her husband the apple juice cup, smiling.</p><p>“Now, our youngest son has asked that I watch a movie with him, so I have somewhere to be,” he beams, leaning down to kiss her.</p><p>Lainie smiles, hands clasped in front of her as her husband walks back and disappears upstairs, leaving her to cry in both heartbreak and joy in the kitchen as she thinks about what to make for dinner.</p><p>
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</p><p>Lainie picks at her peeling nail polish, taking a deep breath as she talks to Evie on the phone.</p><p>“I knew that we would hit bumps in the road, trust me, I factored that in,” she sighs. “But it’s like I don’t know how to get him through this. Nothing we say or do makes him feel better. He doesn’t feel like things are going to get any better than they are right now.”</p><p>“He knows they will get better. That’s just his frustration talking,” Evie replies. “Can you blame him for feeling like they won’t right now, though?”</p><p>Lainie opens her mouth to argue, and then closes it abruptly. “I guess I can’t,” she admits, guilt flowing through her. “I just don’t know how I watch him be so frustrated and lash out and not know how the hell I’m going to say anything to him that it’s going to keep getting better, that we can’t give up now.”</p><p>“So don’t say that then,” Evie replies. Her words are brash and confronting, knocking the breath out of Lainie. “Lain, this kid’s entire life has been a series of letdowns. Did you ever think maybe that hearing this optimism is just setting him up to be let down again in his mind? You can’t know for sure that this is going to get better, that he’ll make it back to the old Justin. It’s certainly possible, but right now it doesn’t feel like it, at least not for him.”</p><p>Leaning back in the armchair, Lainie crosses her legs. “So what am I supposed to do? Let him throw stress balls at my wall every day? Be pessimistic with him, tell him this is as good as it gets, that he’s going to need someone’s help when he’s tired and he’ll probably deal with this pain for the rest of his life?” she asks, frustrated. “Am I just supposed to send him back to school, tell him to go as long as he can and I’ll pick him up when he can’t do anymore and we just get him through the rest of his life like that?”</p><p>Evie’s laughter on the other line just makes her angrier. “You always see things so black and white,” she comments, antagonizing her slightly. “You don’t need to throw him back into school or sink down to his pessimism, Lain,” she says gently. “You just need to let him be miserable for a little while. Don’t feed him some bullshit about how you understand his frustration, but he’s going to be okay. You don’t get his frustration, and you can’t be positive that he’s going to be okay further than what he is right now. You were not stabbed, you do not have a brain injury. You cannot understand what he’s going through, and that’s okay.”</p><p>Lainie pulls a tissue from the pocket of her cardigan, wiping her nose. “I don’t know how to do this,” she whispers, the guilt wracking through her body as she lets her head fall. “I can’t… I’m not as strong as you, Evie.”</p><p>“Yes, you are,” Evie says, voice quieter now. “Just tell him you're there. Tell him you love him, you see him, and his feelings are valid. Tell him that he can be upset or angry, but if he ever wants to talk about his feelings more than that, you are there to listen. That’s all he needs right now, Lain. He doesn’t need the inspirational bullshit. He needs to know that he has a family who hears him.”</p><p>Lainie sucks in a sharp breath, dabbing under her eyes. “I love you.”</p><p>“I love you more,” Evie replies easily. “You’re a great mom, Lain, and this moment won’t define the rest of any of your lives. You’ll all get through this, and it’ll be okay.”</p><p>
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</p><p>The quiet in the house as Clay walks in the back door in unsettling.</p><p>Over the last few weeks he’s grown accustomed to music playing or the TV playing a harmless show or movie. He’s grown used to Justin talking with their parents or maybe even being up and moving around, getting his own snack and practicing his physical therapy exercises.</p><p>He’s not accustomed to the dead silence downstairs, peering around the corner of the kitchen to find the living room empty and his mom working at the dining room table. He’s not used to Justin not being around, even if he was just sleeping.</p><p>He can’t help but worry.</p><p>“Hey, love,” Lainie smiles when she notices him standing in the entryway to the living room, closing the lid of her laptop halfway when he comes to sit down in the dining room. “How was school?”</p><p>“Fine,” he answers robotically, glancing towards Matt’s office. “Where are Dad and Justin?”</p><p>“Upstairs watching a movie in bed,” she says. “Justin’s request. He had a… a bit of an outburst after physical therapy today.”</p><p>Clay leans forward, knitting his eyebrows together. “What does that mean?”</p><p>Folding her hands in front of her, Lainie sighs. “He’s still struggling with making progress. It’s normal, Noelle reassured me that this happens all the time with people recovering from major injuries. But he’s frustrated, and he’s tired of us reassuring him that he’s going to continue getting better.”</p><p>“Is he okay though?” Clay asks, leaning forward. “You said he had a hard day, and then he had an outburst. I mean, what does that even mean?”</p><p>Lainie reaches out. “He got angry. He yelled, he screamed, he got upset,” she says carefully. “He did some out of character things, but honestly, we’re fine with it because he finally spoke up about how he was feeling.”</p><p>Clay nods. “Did he ask Dad to stay? Or did he feel like he had to stay with him?”</p><p>“He asked Dad to stay with him,” she smiles. “But he wants to show you something. So, if you feel like you’re ready, go up and see him. He’ll be happy you’re home.”</p><p>Clay nods, standing up from the table and disappearing upstairs without another word exchanged between him and Lainie.</p><p>When he pushes open the partly closed door of his old bedroom, he’s not expecting to find Matt and Justin sharing the bed, Justin’s laptop in front of them as they watch a harmless movie that Justin would normally object to, but knows it’s necessary now because of his head.</p><p>Justin brightens when he notices Clay, pausing the movie and pushing himself to sit up, allowing Matt to help steady him. “Look what I did,” he says brightly, pointing to the wall on Clay’s side of the room, where a dent has formed beneath black scuff marks. “Can you believe I threw the stress ball hard enough to leave marks?”</p><p>Clay stares in disbelief, shaking his head. “I can’t,” he confirms, smiling. “Did you throw it from your bed?”</p><p>Justin nods, moving his laptop off his legs. “Yeah. It took me a few tries to get the marks and the dent, but I was able to do it.”</p><p>“Why did you do it?”</p><p>“I was frustrated,” he shrugs. “I can’t really get out my frustration normally, so Matt suggested I just throw the stress ball. I have to help fix the wall tomorrow, though.”</p><p>Clay laughs, sitting on the edge of Justin’s bed. “Well at least you’re responsible for fixing things,” he smirks.</p><p>Matt, sensing the boys needing some time alone, stands and takes Justin’s laptop. “Let me know if you guys need anything. I’ll be just downstairs,” he says, setting the laptop down on the desk and disappearing out of the room.</p><p>“Mom told me you didn’t have a great day,” Clay says quietly, nudging Justin’s foot. “Wanna talk about it?”</p><p>Justin shrugs, moving his arm so Clay can lay beside him. “I just wasn’t really making any progress, and then when we got home, I couldn’t get myself out of bed. Which I could do this morning at therapy without anyone helping me,” he explains quietly. “I just hit a breaking point. I couldn’t listen to them being positive about things anymore. Telling me that I’ll keep getting better eventually. I just… I felt better being angry and them letting me get angry and not try to make me feel better.”</p><p>Clay nods. “So do you think it’s a bad time for us to talk about something then?” he asks, toeing off his shoes and leaning back against the pillows beside him.</p><p>Justin looks at him, hand hitting his arm. “What do you want to talk about?”</p><p>Clay sighs, staring at his lap. “You know how I’ve been helping you a lot with your physical therapy and what you need around the house?” he begins, watching Justin nod from the corner of his eye. “I think… I think maybe I need to take a step back. I’ll still help you with showering, or at least sitting in the bathroom since you can wash your hair by yourself now, but I can’t be the one person to help you with everything. I think maybe we need to let Mom and Dad just help with everything else.”</p><p>Clay isn’t sure what he expects for Justin’s reaction, but it certainly wasn’t the relief that seemed to wash over his brother when he listens to his words. “I know that you helping me get better was like, a really big fucking deal to you, but I’m kind of relieved you realized you didn’t need to take charge of all of this.”</p><p>“It’s not that I didn’t or don’t appreciate your help, because I absolutely do,” he adds on, nudging Clay’s arm. “But sometimes you just get so in your own head that you need to save everyone, and I think we’re better off letting Matt and Lainie be the one to help me, at least with the day to day stuff. I don’t even think I need you to sit in the bathroom while I shower anymore.”</p><p>Clay smiles, leaning his head back against the wall. “Yeah, well, I don’t think we’re going to convince Mom and Dad that you don’t need one of us in there with you. You still get dizzy.”</p><p>“Fair enough,” Justin smiles. He tips his head back, closing his eyes. “Thank you for telling me. I’m glad you didn’t just ignore whoever told you to take a step back and worry about yourself.”</p><p>“Dr. Ellman,” Clay admits, laughing.</p><p>“You went through a lot, too,” Justin says quietly. “You deserve to put your own recovery first. You need to put your own recovery first, and I’m glad you’re doing it.”</p><p>“Thanks,” Clay mumbles. “But just so you know, if you do need me, I’ll still be here for you. No matter what time. Even if I’m in the outhouse. Just text me, okay?”</p><p>Justin laughs, patting Clay’s leg. “I will,” he promises. He waits, the quiet in the room serving as enough between them, and then takes a breath. “Can we talk about something? Something Dr. Ellman encouraged me to share with you?”</p><p>“Of course,” Clay replies. Justin feels him shift, hands pressed to the mattress before he relaxes.</p><p>“I’ve been getting anxious lately. Usually when I wake up and realize that no one was in the room with me,” he admits quietly. “I always remember that you guys are just downstairs or in the other room, and then I can usually pull myself out of it before it gets really bad. But for a minute it feels like I’m back with my mom again, and when I need someone the most it’s like they abandoned me.”</p><p>“Justin -”</p><p>“I’m not telling you this because I want you to stop you moving into the outhouse. I’ll be mad if you don’t move in there just because I told you this,” Justin says before Clay has a chance to continue. “I’m telling you because you’re my brother and we’ve never hid anything from each other before. I don’t want this to be something I hide from you.”</p><p>Clay doesn’t immediately reply like Justin had braced himself for. Instead he nods, picking at his cuticles. “Is there anything I can do?”</p><p>“I don’t think so,” Justin sighs. “I’ve been doing better, honestly, but if you notice that I’m anxious, can you just do that breathing thing or whatever that worked in the past.”</p><p>“Yeah, of course,” Clay agrees quickly. “I’m glad you told me.”</p><p>Justin nods. Reaching his hand blindly, he feels his fingers brush against Clay’s arm. “I’ve been remembering parts of the attack.”</p><p>“Holy shit,” Clay whispers, stilling. “What exactly do you remember?”</p><p>“Not that much, really,” he sighs. “I remember being thrown to the ground, and then I remember you leaning on me and talking. I don’t remember what you said or the attack itself, but it’s like sometimes it comes back in bits and pieces and I have to sort out what really happened and what didn’t.”</p><p>Clay nods. He swallows, clearing his throat, and then looks at Justin. “If you ever want me to help you sort out what happened and what didn’t, or if you want to talk about it, you can ask me,” he says quietly. “I remember everything, and I’ll talk about it with you.”</p><p>Justin nods. “I don’t think I’m ready to know exactly what happened just yet,” he admits. “But um, maybe one time we could talk about what I do remember and talk about if it’s real or not? And Matt and Lainie don’t know, so keep this to yourself for now?”</p><p>Smiling, Clay nods. “Whenever you’re ready, we can talk about the attack. And I won’t tell Mom and Dad, I promise,” he replies easily.</p><p>
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</p><p>Matt was used to Lainie getting up and out of bed a few times a night. Constantly worrying about Justin, she couldn’t bring herself to sleep until it was time for more medication for her youngest.</p><p>He always stirs when she wakes, mind never quite turning off at night since the accident. He would lay awake, waiting for Lainie to return and promise that Justin was okay, and then fall into a fitful state of sleep that left him exhausted each morning.</p><p>He’s woken up by his phone buzzing on the nightstand. Glancing at the clock, he thinks about ignoring it, figuring whoever is texting him at this hour could wait until morning. And then it goes off again, and he reluctantly rolls over to see who it is.</p><p>He’s not expecting it to be Justin.</p><p>
  <em>Can you come here? I think my fever is higher.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sorry I shouldn’t text you so late but I know Lainie’s phone is downstairs. I’ll be okay.</em>
</p><p>Swinging his legs over the bed, Matt stops to get a wet washcloth before walking across to Justin’s room, opening the door.</p><p>He looks startled to see him, leaning up on his elbows. “I’m sorry, you can go back to bed,” he says quietly, staring at Matt with glassy eyes as he presses the thermometer to his forehead. “It’s probably just because I did so much today, right?”</p><p>“Probably,” Matt nods, setting the thermometer down and pressing the washcloth to his forehead. “I don’t want you to apologize for waking me up. Never apologize for that, okay? Whenever you need me, you know you can text or call.”</p><p>Justin nods, sinking back against the pillows.</p><p>“Do you feel like you’re going to throw up?”</p><p>Justin shakes his head.</p><p>“Want me to stay with you?”</p><p>A hesitation, and then a nod. “Yes,” he whispers. “But can you just sit with me? I don’t… it’s uncomfortable being near someone right now.”</p><p>Matt nods, readjusting the washcloth and sitting back a little on the edge of the bed. “Just relax, okay? You can have more medicine in a little while.”</p><p>Justin nods frantically, nudging his leg against Matt’s hip. His hand searches, finding Matt’s and squeezing.</p><p>Matt, desperate to provide a distraction for his son, wipes his face to wake up a little more. “I’ve been looking at your list of things you guys want to do when you’re a little better. The one you two hung up on the fridge,” he says, hoping it’s enough to distract Justin. “I liked the one about going away somewhere as a family. Have you and Clay talked about where you want to go?”</p><p>Justin shakes his head. “He said maybe we could just go somewhere where we won’t have to do much,” he says quietly.</p><p>“That’s a good call,” Matt whispers, brushing his thumb over the back of Justin’s hand. “Where would you want to go? If we could go anywhere, where do you think you’d choose?”</p><p>For a moment, Matt isn’t sure that Justin is listening to the conversation. His bottom lip is pulled firmly between his teeth, and he whimpers in discomfort as he shifts, his grip on Matt’s hand getting tighter.</p><p>And then Justin opens his eyes, looking down. “I was thinking maybe the beach?” he offers tentatively. “I’ve never really been besides to the ones near here, but I thought it would be fun. And it’s peaceful there, right?”</p><p>“It is,” Matt nods, smiling. “We can look into houses to rent for a long weekend. We can swim and hang out together away from here for a little while.”</p><p>“I like that,” Justin whispers, shifting slowly. “Somewhere where we can walk to the water.”</p><p>“I agree,” Matt whispers, watching as Justin slowly drifts off to sleep. He sits with him as he sweats out the fever, finding himself more grateful than ever that Justin trusts him more than he ever has before.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you guys for reading/commenting :)</p><p>next week has the friend group back together, as well as some other familiar faces and obviously more family time.</p><p>see you next Friday!</p><p>title of the chapter is from Under Pressure by Leslie Odom Jr.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. the world will always be there</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Justin starts homeschooling, hangs out with his friends, and surprises the football team.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Matt is positive he’s never shown so much physical restraint in his life than he does while helping Justin work through the beginning of his math homework.</p><p>He had offered to be his tutor, arguing with Lainie that bringing yet another person who could be seen as a therapist into Justin’s life will only complicate things further. Instead, Matt offered to work with Justin each day for as long as he could tolerate, and when asking Justin if he wanted someone else to do it, Justin adamantly agreed that he would do better with Matt or Lainie teaching him rather than a tutor he doesn’t know.</p><p>But it was clear that Justin was having trouble with his memory. Math homework that had once taken them a little time to work through had turned into taking twice as long. There were so many times Matt could see Justin just on the verge of figuring it out, only to tangle himself in a web and get confused again. It would’ve been so easy for Matt to nudge him in the right direction, give him more pointed instructions on how to keep going the way he was to figure out the answer.</p><p>But Matt was an educator. From the time Clay was old enough for homework, he’d always insisted with Lainie that they allow Clay to figure it out on his own rather than feeding him the answers or procedures. And so, against all of his parental instincts, Matt sits quietly and allows Justin time to figure it out, answering his questions when he asks.</p><p>“I thought starting with math would make me feel better because it would be over with, but I think it’s just making me feel worse,” Justin admits after they finish the first page, leaning back and rubbing his stomach over his shirt.</p><p>Matt smiles, signing the bottom of the sheet for Justin’s teachers. “Let’s move onto something a little easier,” he offers. “Are you feeling up to some grammar worksheets?”</p><p>Justin shrugs, leaning forward. “Yeah, sure,” he decides, rubbing his temple slowly. Matt watches the hesitation, and Justin looks up at him. “Actually, can we take five minutes? I just need a little break.”</p><p>“Of course,” Matt says softly. “Want a snack? Or something to drink? You can’t have your medication quite yet, so we’ll need to take another break soon.”</p><p>Justin drops his pencil, leaning back. “Apple juice. No snack yet, I’m okay.”</p><p>Matt nods, standing up and walking to the kitchen, where Lainie greets him from her makeshift office at the kitchen table with a smile.</p><p>“Is it going as well as it sounds?” she smirks, watching as he pours Justin apple juice, grabbing himself water.</p><p>Matt sighs. “He’s so close to getting it, and then it’s like he forgets or second guesses and backtracks all of his work,” he explains. “I know it’s a head injury symptom, I know it’s just the next part of his recovery, but I’m about three seconds from going against my rule of letting them figure it out on their own and just walking him through it step by step.”</p><p>He drops a kiss to her head on the way out, joining Justin back at the kitchen table as they work on the grammar worksheets for English. Lainie listens, suppressing a laugh as Matt bites his tongue and allows Justin to work through the sheet himself, an odd sense of pride overcoming her when Justin figures out the answers, the pride in his own work evident through his words.</p><p>
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</p><p>“If I wanted to have everyone over tomorrow night to hang out in the outhouse, do you think Justin would be able to be there?”</p><p>Clay stands in the doorway of the sunroom, looking between both of his parents. With Justin upstairs resting, Clay had been contemplating the question since he returned home from school. He wanted to celebrate their new space, wanted to have their friends over, but was never going to do it without Justin being there. Even if that meant waiting until Justin lived out there with him, he wanted to be able to celebrate the moment with his brother.</p><p>Lainie looks up from her book, smiling. “I don’t see why not,” she says. “He’s been doing better the last few days, and I think a few hours with your friends would do him a world of good right now. He’s upstairs resting, why don’t you go see if he’s awake and ask him?”</p><p>“Yeah, I will,” Clay nods. “I just wanted to double check with you guys before I got his hopes up and asked him. I didn’t want it to be something else that let him down if you guys didn’t agree that he was ready.”</p><p>He turns back, walking upstairs to find Justin sitting up in bed, hunched uncomfortably over his science notebook. He looks up when he notices him standing in the doorway, pointing to the textbook beside him. “I know you’re not taking biology this year, but do you know what the fuck this is saying? Or can you help me figure it out?”</p><p>“You shouldn’t be hunched over like that. Doesn’t it hurt?” he asks, ignoring his question and looking at him.</p><p>Justin shrugs. “It was irritating with the bandages. They started peeling, so I took them off. It doesn’t really hurt now,” he replies, nudging the textbook in Clay’s direction. “Can you please help me? I remember learning this, and at first I thought it was easy, but looking at it now, I don’t know how I ever did this in the first place.”</p><p>“Justin,” Clay sighs. “You can’t just take the bandages off because they were bothering you.”</p><p>Justin blinks, shrugging. “I need to put new ones on anyway. They were kind of gross since I didn’t shower yesterday. I was planning to shower after I finish this.”</p><p>Clay suppresses his urge to argue, shaking his head. “I’ll get Mom after I help you with this,” he agrees. “Are you supposed to be doing schoolwork alone? Isn’t Dad supposed to be with you?”</p><p>“No one said I couldn’t do it alone, just he has to check it,” Justin shrugs, leaning back slowly. “I mean, I did like two hours of school earlier with him. I just want to get more done. I’m already so far behind, I don’t want to make it worse.”</p><p>Clay nods, explaining the problem slowly as he and Justin work through it together. Sensing his brother’s frustration, Clay places his hand on the page. “Why don’t we stop for today? If you did two hours earlier, that’s more than enough. You can work on science tomorrow with Dad, and you're not going to fall behind.”</p><p>Justin hesitates, leaning back. “Okay, fine,” he relents, staring at the ceiling as Clay moves Justin’s books to the desk and asks Lainie to come up to look at Justin’s scars.</p><p>Lainie’s touch is gentle as she leans over the bed, apologizing quietly when Justin shifts and hums in pain. “These look great, love. Healing just like they’re supposed to,” she smiles. “You know, I can replace the bandages after you shower, but your doctors said you’re fine to not put bandages on them anymore provided they’re not sensitive when you have a shirt on. And they’re not, right?” Lainie asks, sitting down at the foot of the bed.</p><p>“They’re not,” Justin says. “But I still want to wear the bandages for now.”</p><p>Clay stands, moving back away from the bed. “Why would you want to keep wearing them? Your skin is irritated from the medical tape, doesn’t that hurt? Wouldn’t you want to just let them breathe?”</p><p>“I don’t want the bandages off yet, Clay,” Justin says quietly, stretching his legs out in front of them.</p><p>“But I don’t get it, I -”</p><p>“I don’t want to look at the scars, Clay!” Justin says tersely, squeezing his eyes shut.</p><p>He flinches when Lainie rests her hand on his leg, her eyes watching him before moving to Clay. “Honey, can you give us a few minutes?”</p><p>Clay stares at Justin, walking towards the door. “Yeah, sure, whatever,” he says, turning back when he’s in the doorway. “Justin, I was coming up to ask you if you wanted to come hang out with everyone tomorrow night in the outhouse. You can just let me know later if you’re feeling up to it.”</p><p>Lainie watches the defeated expression pass over Clay’s face when Justin ignores him, instead staring at his lap and clenching his hand, focusing on his breathing.</p><p>She turns back to Justin when Clay reluctantly retreats downstairs, moving closer to her youngest son. “You okay?” she asks after a minute, softening.</p><p>“I feel so stupid,” he laughs sadly, shaking his head. “I don’t even know why I don’t want to look at them. They’re stuck with me for the rest of my life, I’ll have to get used to them.” Lainie watches as he lifts his t-shirt. “My stomach is always going to have this huge scar. These stab wounds, the chest tube scar on my side. It’s not like they’re ever going to go away completely. I’m always going to be reminded of what happened to me.”</p><p>Lainie reaches up, resting her hand on top of his as he slowly relaxes, lowering his shirt. “You should never feel stupid for your thoughts,” she says just above a whisper. “Justin, what you’ve gone through, these reminders you have on your body, I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel looking at them day after day. But I want you to know that those scars tell a story of survival. Of everything you’ve overcome.”</p><p>Moving her hand back, Lainie smiles. “This big scar on your belly saved your life. It stopped the internal bleeding and repaired damage to your belly when there was nothing else they could do,” she whispers, gauging his emotions before she continues. “These little scars are a reminder of what you’ve been through. What someone felt they needed to do to you when you didn’t deserve it. And that chest tube scar helped you learn to breathe again. It helped your lung heal and learn to expand when it couldn’t do it on its own.”</p><p>“It doesn’t feel right to celebrate them,” Justin whispers, blinking. “I don’t… nothing in my life has ever been heroic. And I can’t see the scars the way you do.”</p><p>Lainie deflates, guilt spreading through her body as she realizes she approached it wrong. “We can do whatever we need to make you feel comfortable. Whatever it is, we will help you.”</p><p>There’s a prolonged silence, Justin’s breathing slow and even through the quiet as he nods. “Maybe you won’t agree, but do you think… do you think maybe we can just be miserable about it?”</p><p>Lainie laughs, moving to lay beside him. “We can be miserable about it,” she agrees immediately. “For everything you’ve been through, you more than deserve to just be miserable about this.”</p><p>Justin nods, adjusting his shirt and leaning his head against her shoulder. “I like the positivity most of the time. And Clay is normally good for me to just be miserable, but I don’t… I don’t think the scars are something I can just be positive about.”</p><p>Lainie sits with him quietly, chipping at her nail polish. “I get it,” she says tentatively, flipping her hand over and lifting up her sweater to reveal a dark purple scar on the side of her wrist, one Justin had never noticed. “When this happened, I never wanted anyone to tell me that it was a blessing that it happened there and not where a main artery is. I just wanted them to let me be pissed that I was going to miss four weeks of tennis lessons with a cute tennis instructor.”</p><p>Justin laughs, fingers delicately reaching up to touch her scar. “What happened?”</p><p>“I was 13,” she says softly, staring at the scar. “Your Aunt Evie was being annoying, getting in my way when I was trying to help out our dad in the yard. It was just at the beginning of summer, he was making us help around the house in between our activities, and she was pitching a fit about what her responsibilities were. I turned around to yell at her and tell her to just go do her job so we wouldn’t be late for our tennis lesson, and my wrist got caught on the fencing. Split the side of my wrist wide open.”</p><p>“Holy shit,” Justin whispers, retracting his hand. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>Lainie laughs. “You don’t need to apologize,” she says quietly. “It took 12 stitches and a tetanus shot, and I missed half of the tennis lessons that summer. But I survived, and eventually, I learned to live with the scar.”</p><p>Justin nods, setting his head back down against her shoulder. “Did I get a tetanus shot? Because of the knife?”</p><p>Lainie laughs wetly, tears clouding her eyes as she sniffs. “Honey, not only did you get a tetanus shot, but you were given so many antibiotics you were probably the most sterile person not only in our family, but also in that ICU.”</p><p>Laughing, Justin nods. “I figured, I just didn’t know.”</p><p>Lainie pulls the sleeve of her sweater down. “I don’t think our scars are nearly on the same level as one another. But I do know that it feels miserable to have someone be so positive when you can’t see it,” she pauses, sighing. “Do you wish we weren’t so positive about your recovery in general?”</p><p>“I get why you are,” Justin replies. “And most of the time I think I need it. If you all tried to match how miserable I am, we’d all just be in agony,” he smirks. “But maybe sometimes we can just be miserable?”</p><p>“Like a schedule?” Lainie teases. “On Fridays we all be miserable about your recovery.”</p><p>Justin laughs, shaking his head. “Okay, no, not like that.”</p><p>Lainie smiles. “What if when you need to complain we ask you if you need positivity or someone to be miserable with you?”</p><p>Lifting his head, Justin looks up at her. “You’d really do that?”</p><p>“Do you think it would work?”</p><p>“Yeah, I think so,” Justin nods. “Thank you. For everything.”</p><p>Reaching out, Lainie takes his hand. “No need to thank me, my love,” she reminds him, leaning back to kiss his head. “Dad’s almost done making dinner. Want to come down and eat?”</p><p>“Yes,” Justin nods, getting himself out of bed and walking downstairs with Lainie. “Can I hang out with everyone tomorrow? Like Clay asked?”</p><p>Lainie stops on the landing, smiling. “Of course,” she replies, relieved when she’s met with a smile.</p><p>Baby steps, even if they don’t feel like anything at all.</p><p>
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    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>Most days, Lainie felt like she was the bearer of bad news.</p><p>Matt did his best to alleviate the pressure, taking over the duties of getting Justin to do his physical therapy or work on schoolwork when he had been pushing back to just take a break.</p><p>But when Lainie receives a call from Marcus letting her know that the charges on Amber would be moving forward, nothing dropped, Lainie knows she needs to be the one to talk to Justin directly, answering any questions she knows he must have.</p><p>“Justin, I spoke with Marcus this morning. He let me know that they’ve reviewed and have decided to move forward on the charges to your mom,” she says quickly, ripping off the bandaid. “She’s going to be charged for knowing about what Seth was going to do. It’s one charge, no additional charges were filed.”</p><p>Sinking back against the sofa, Justin nods. “Okay, so what happens now?” he asks. “Is there anything we can do?”</p><p>Softening, Lainie smiles. “I’m not sure, love. I don’t think there’s going to be much we can do, this isn’t a situation where we can ask them to drop the charges since we aren’t the ones who pressed them,” she says carefully.</p><p>Justin sighs, picking at his fingers. “I know that she needs to be punished,” he begins, shaking his head. “And I see you guys as my parents, I hope you know that.”</p><p>“We do,” Matt nods.</p><p>“I just want to do one last thing for her. And then I… I think I want to cut her off.”</p><p>“Justin,” Lainie says. Standing, she moves to sit next to him on the sofa. “While we’ll never press you to make a decision on how you want to approach your mother, we understand wanting to help her now. But I’m just not sure there’s anything we can do, at least not with this.”</p><p>Dejected, Justin nods. He’s quiet, twisting his fingers around his wrist, and then looks up. “What if I wrote a note? A personal note saying that I get where she’s been and I don’t think prison is the right idea for her. And then we could give it to the courts or I could read it at the trial or something.”</p><p>Lainie glances at her husband. “What do you think is a better alternative?” she asks gently, resisting the urge to reach out and rest her hand on his arm. “If you agree she needs to be held responsible, what do you think is an alternative punishment? If we give a direct example, they may be more inclined to agree to an alternative option.”</p><p>Justin hesitates, staring at his lap. Lainie waits patiently, going against every instinct to step in when she realizes how upset Justin is over this news, and smiles when he begins to speak again.</p><p>“What if I asked them to send her to rehab?” he asks. “Maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t, but then at least we know she’s there and getting the help she needs. And we’ll know she’s not being hurt by anyone.”</p><p>Lainie does reach out now, fingers feather light against his arm. “I think that’s a good idea,” she says quietly. “There are some excellent women’s rehab facilities around here, and given that the request is coming from you, the courts may take it into serious consideration. But I want you to understand that there’s a chance they still say no, that she doesn’t deserve that release and should serve time.”</p><p>“No, I get it,” he nods, shifting uncomfortably. Lainie doesn’t take it personally when he pulls his hands away, smoothing them over his sweatpants. “But we can at least try, right?”</p><p>“We can at least try,” she smiles, brushing her fingers over his cheek and through his hair. “The answer is always no until you ask.”</p><p>“Will I be able to read it at her trial?” he asks, pressing the conversation further. “You know, that way they know it’s really coming from me? And it’s not just something someone wrote and slapped my name on it?”</p><p>“I think they know we’d object if someone read a statement pretending to be you,” she teases, squeezing his shoulder. “I’m not going to agree to it quite yet, but I don’t see any reason why you couldn’t. As long as you’re feeling up to it, we can plan to go and read it out in person.”</p><p>Justin nods, turning to look at Matt as he leans forward.</p><p>“Justin, buddy, do you think you’ll be able to sit through the trial? It’s going to be long, and it may be difficult to listen to your mother’s words and the sentencing.”</p><p>Justin stares, shrugging. “I want to try. I think… I’m pretty sure I can make it. If I can’t, we can always leave, right?”</p><p>“We’re always welcome to step out, yes. Especially since you’re directly affected as the victim,” Lainie assures him. “We’ll plan on you going, and we’ll work on writing your letter tomorrow after you do some school. If you’re not feeling up to it, or you change your mind and don’t want to do it anymore, that’s okay.”</p><p>Justin breathes, nodding. “Yeah, okay,” he agrees. “Thank you guys, really,” he smiles, excusing himself from the room when he hears Clay walk in from the outhouse, walking towards the kitchen to see him.</p><p>Lainie shares a glance at Matt, relief flowing through her. “That went much better than expected.”</p><p>“It did,” Matt agrees, standing. “How much of a chance do you think he has by giving them a letter? Or should we start preparing to get him through his mother’s prison sentence?”</p><p>Lainie stands, crossing her arms over her chest. “I don’t know,” she says quietly. “I’ve seen this go both ways in court. Justin has an advantage because she’s his biological mother, and he’s the one who was directly affected by the crime. I just… she has a record. And the jury could look at that and say that she doesn’t deserve another chance.”</p><p>Matt nods. “Let’s prepare for the once, and then hope Justin gets dealt a break this one time and she’s not acquitted,” he whispers, waiting a moment before he and Lainie join their sons in the kitchen.</p><p>
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</p><p>When Justin thought about the party he and Clay had been planning to celebrate the completion of the outhouse, he envisioned sneaking alcohol in. He thought about long nights watching movies and playing video games, making the outhouse feel as safe as he felt on evenings in Bryce’s pool house. He wanted it to feel nicer than his pool house. A place where they could hang out without feeling like they owe anyone anything.</p><p>Instead, the first party they throw involves him pressing himself to the corner of the sofa, eyes flicking between Jess and Ani laughing as they make up a game at the kitchen counter, and Zach and Charlie playing video games on the TV in front of him, shoving each other’s shoulders to try to throw each other off.</p><p>Clay and Tony had been talking with Tyler over by Clay’s bed, and although it feels nice to be doing something that’s normal, Justin can’t help but feel like he would’ve enjoyed this a whole lot more if he felt better.</p><p>“You wanna play?” Zach asks, extending the controller in Justin’s direction.</p><p>Justin hesitates, and then shakes his head. “I can’t look at screens right now like I used to be able to. Video games, the way they spin around, I would definitely get sick. Or at the very least have a killer migraine,” he says quietly. Glancing in Alex’s direction, he smiles. “Let Alex play against his boyfriend. He’d have more fun than me.”</p><p>Alex laughs, shaking off Zach’s offer. “Unfortunately, my coordination was also thrown off when I shot myself. So I would just be a horrible opponent,” he retorts. “Looks like you two are going to have to keep playing against each other until someone else comes to join.”</p><p>Zach rolls his eyes, restarting the game and playing against Charlie again, happily relinquishing control to Tyler when he asks to go against Charlie, insisting that he’ll be able to beat him on the level Zach couldn’t get past.</p><p>“So, Justin, how is it being here with everyone?” Ani asks, sitting down in the chair beside him. “I feel like it’s been forever since we hung out as a group.”</p><p>“It has been,” Justin smiles. “It’s been nice, actually. I was worried maybe I wouldn’t be able to hang out or maybe I wouldn’t be fun to be around, but then I really wanted to hang out with you guys. I’m glad I gave it a shot, it’s actually been a lot of fun,” he says.</p><p>Ani laughs, cocking her head to the side. “Are you kidding? We didn’t think we’d be throwing a rager or anything. We’re just happy you felt up to hanging out with us at all. Even if it ends up being only for a little while. I know Clay was really happy when you said you felt up to coming.”</p><p>Justin nods, tilting his water bottle between his hands. “So, how are you and Clay?” he smirks, looking back to Ani. “I know the two of you have been hanging out, but I can’t really tease him about it since he helps me so much. Don’t want to jeopardize my recovery,” he teases.</p><p>Ani smiles, ducking her head in embarrassment. “You’re definitely making the right call not jeopardizing your recovery,” she nods, looking back at them. “Things have been good. We’ve gone to dinner a few times, saw a movie. I basically just try to stop his brain from going into overdrive.”</p><p>“Good luck with that,” Justin smirks. “Has he asked you out?”</p><p>“Justin,” Ani sighs, laughing.</p><p>“What?” Justin argues. “You know he won’t tell me willingly, and honestly, I forget to ask most nights because I’m half asleep when he comes home. Please just spare me, Ani. I’m injured.”</p><p>Ani laughs. “I don’t think it’s fair you’re using your injury for information,” she argues. “But yes, we’re dating. Don’t tell him I told you.”</p><p>“Oh, I won’t,” he smiles, waving Ani to go to Jess when she asks her to confirm something in her conversation with Tony and Clay.</p><p>Zach replaces Ani in the chair, looking over at Justin. “Not to like, bum you out or anything, but do you know when this will be your place, too?” he asks quietly, voice timid as he shakes his head. “Not that it’s not your place now, I just mean -”</p><p>“I know what you mean,” Justin answers with a smile, looking over at him. “I can move in here once I can prove I can get up and out of bed by myself, and get up the back steps alone without them worrying. Matt thinks maybe in a week or two, but Lainie’s a little more apprehensive.”</p><p>“That’s definitely a mom thing,” Zach smirks. “But next week is great, right? I mean, it must be a good thing that you’ll be able to be out here.”</p><p>Justin nods, shifting carefully. “I’m excited about it,” Justin says. “I mean, it’ll feel like the most normal thing that’s happened to me in months, and I know that it’s really not much at all.”</p><p>Zach shakes his head. “Are you kidding me? It’s a huge thing, Justin,” he argues, smiling. “Just because it doesn’t feel like much doesn’t mean we’re not going to celebrate it,” he says.</p><p>Justin rolls his eyes, but Zach notices the smile on his face and the fact that he looks as relaxed as he ever has since the accident, and secretly takes it as a win.</p><p>After the group devours the pizzas Matt sets out on the counter, Justin happily sits back and listens to the arguments over what movie to watch, grateful that they chose a harmless comedy and Clay managed to sneak in to sit beside him on the sofa.</p><p>“Just squeeze my hand if it’s too much, okay? I’ll help you back inside.”</p><p>Justin nods, leaning back against the pillow and nudging Charlie’s back as he sat in front of him.</p><p>He makes it through most of the movie, tipping his head back near the end feeling more content with his recovery and his friend group than he ever has before.</p><p>
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</p><p>Clay lingers in the house a little longer than normal after everyone leaves, sitting in the kitchen with Justin while he finishes his protein shake when Lainie realizes he only made it through a small piece of pizza and nothing else while they were in the outhouse.</p><p>“Ani told me about the two of you,” Justin smiles around the lip of the bottle, laughing when Clay groans and leans back against the counter. “Why didn’t you tell me?”</p><p>“Because I knew you’d be relentless,” Clay counters, running his fingers through his hair. “Mom and Dad don’t know either, so maybe like, shut up about it when they’re around?”</p><p>“Mm gonna be pretty hard,” Justin shrugs. “Sometimes when I take my meds in the middle of the night I say delirious things. Who knows what’ll come out tonight.”</p><p>“You better not,” Clay warns. “I was going to tell you. It just always felt like such an awkward thing to bring up.”</p><p>Justin nods, taking another sip of his drink. “I’m happy for you. Ani’s good for you. And she can keep up,” he smirks. “You guys going on another date soon?”</p><p>“Yeah, probably,” he shrugs. “I’ll tell you when,” he promises, rolling his eyes when Justin hides his smile behind the lid of his protein shake.</p><p>Justin nods, finishing the last of his drink and handing Clay the empty container to throw out. “Good, I can give you all the pointers you need to make sure you keep her as your girlfriend.”</p><p>Clay rolls his eyes, following Justin to supervise him walking up the steps.</p><p>
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</p><p>It’s not that Justin is ungrateful about Matt and Lainie sitting with him for therapy today - he knows how much they had to shift around to make sure they could both be there at the same time - but as he sits on the sofa and looks around the living room he was quickly beginning to call home, he can’t help but feel uncomfortable.</p><p>He is going to talk openly about his anxiety, about his worries and fears that have been bubbling under the surface for months, and after that, there’s nothing else he can hide behind. It’ll mean the Jensens know everything he has been dealing with in the aftermath of the attack, and they’ll be able to judge him for how he’s always handled things.</p><p>It’s a vulnerability he’s always avoided, and one he wishes he could get away from in the moment. He thinks about faking a migraine or saying that his stomach hurts a little more than it normally does, but even just thinking about the disappointment on Lainie’s face if she found out he wasn’t being truthful was enough to make him feel sick.</p><p>So instead he listens to the quiet chatter between Dr. Ellman, Matt and Lainie, folding his hands together and prying them apart as he focuses on his breathing. He’s only brought out of his daze when Lainie says his name gently beside him, a kind smile sent in his direction when she looks at him.</p><p>“I was mentioning how there are aspects of your recovery that you’d like to discuss with Matt and Lainie today,” Dr. Ellman repeats, smiling. “Where do you want to start?”</p><p>“The anxiety,” Justin says immediately, sinking back against the sofa. “I talked to Clay about it, but I wanted to wait until today to talk to you guys.”</p><p>He takes a breath, glancing at Matt and Lainie, and then looks away. “Sometimes, when I wake up, I get really anxious that I’m alone and you’ve all left and aren’t there to help me anymore,” he says quietly. “It usually only takes a minute or two before I remember that I’m safe and you’re all there to help, but it’s terrifying for those few moments.”</p><p>He can’t bring himself to look at Lainie, who shifts and takes a breath. “So a few weeks ago, when you had that anxiety attack, was that because you felt like you were alone? That we all left you?”</p><p>Justin nods. “I’ve had a few others, but that was the worst one,” he admits. “Once I remember that you’re there and all I have to do is call for you, I can calm myself down. It’s just those first few minutes where I feel like I’m back with my mom again and I’ll have to figure out how to get out of bed and get through the day completely alone.”</p><p>“Justin,” Matt begins, adjusting in his chair. “We’re sorry we didn’t see the signs before. While it’s comforting to know that you always remembered you had us there when you needed us, we wish that you didn’t have to have that fear that we’d ever abandon you, whether it comes to recovery, or even just in general.”</p><p>Justin nods. “I never really wanted you to see how I was feeling. Lainie was never meant to see me have a panic attack,” he says quietly. “They don’t happen every time, and I think maybe they’re getting better because my head is getting better, but sometimes it’s terrifying to think about you guys not being there when I need you the most.”</p><p>“Is there anything any of you can think of that you think may help alleviate this anxiety for Justin? A way we could make this easier for him to manage?” Dr. Ellman asks, looking at all three of them.</p><p>The room is silent for a moment until Lainie shifts to look at Justin, her hands hovering as she debates reaching out to him. “What if we wrote you notes?” she suggests, brightening. “We say that we’re in the other room and you’re safe, and then we leave it on your bedside table where you can see it when you wake up. Do you think that would help?”</p><p>Contemplating, Justin smiles. “I think that would work, yeah,” he agrees, looking at Dr. Ellman. “Do you think that would work?”</p><p>“I do,” he nods. “Reminders have always been beneficial for you, and having it written down somewhere so it’s set in stone will help tremendously, especially as your brain continues healing.”</p><p>Justin nods, continuing the conversation surrounding his recovery. Lainie discusses all of them attending family therapy, mentioning the benefits and relaxing when Dr. Ellman agrees that it would be good for them all to work with a family therapist to continue moving forward alongside the boys.</p><p>Justin only finds the courage to really contribute again as the session is wrapping up, catching Dr. Ellman’s eye. “There’s one more thing I want to talk about,” he announces, sitting up straighter. “I um, I’ve talked to Clay about this a little bit, but it’s not something I want to hide from you guys.”</p><p>“Of course, love. If you feel ready, we would love to hear it,” Lainie promises.</p><p>“I remember parts of the attack,” Justin says, a quick note before he can chicken out. “It’s not much, and I still don't know what actually happened and what is just my mind making things up, but it’s coming back to me. At least a little bit.”</p><p>For a moment, no one says anything. Lainie went from sitting confidently to leaning back against the back of the sofa, and Justin watches Matt tap his fingers against the arm of the chair.</p><p>“While I understand that this may be difficult to hear, the fact that Justin is remembering things and is willing to talk about them as he feels comfortable is a good sign,” Dr. Ellman intervenes. “Are there any questions you guys have so we can begin to work through this?”</p><p>“Do you want to talk about what you remember?” Matt asks, looking at Justin. “If you don’t want to, that’s okay. We can wait until you’re ready.”</p><p>Justin shrugs. “It’s not much, really. I remember being thrown to the ground, and then it gets fuzzy, but I remember Clay over me just talking. I don’t think I remember anything else, but sometimes I remember flashes that I wonder if they really happened, or if I’m imagining it.”</p><p>Matt nods. “I can tell you that what you just shared with us certainly happened. Clay did stay with you and talk to you until they took you to the hospital, which is when he stayed back with Mr. Standall. And you were thrown to the ground at the beginning of the attack, Seth approached you from behind.”</p><p>Justin blows out a breath, sighing. “But you guys weren’t there, right?” he asks, looking between Matt and Lainie. “I don’t think you were, but I had a dream a few nights ago where you guys got there and took Clay away so the medics could help me.”</p><p>“We were not there,” Lainie says softly, a sad smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. “Your dad and I were both at work. You and Clay were walking home from school. We weren’t able to be with you until after you were out of surgery. I sat with you until Dad and Clay joined us.”</p><p>Justin nods. “So no one pulled Clay away so the medics could work?”</p><p>“It wasn’t one of us,” Matt says. “But it’s likely that Mr. Standall or another police officer pulled him away to give the medics room to work. We’d have to ask one of them.”</p><p>“I don’t want to talk to Clay about this again, not right now,” he says quickly. “Can we not say anything to him yet?”</p><p>“Sure, we’ll bring it back up when you’re ready,” Lainie promises. “But Justin, if you have any other memories you want to talk about, Dad and I are more than happy to talk with you and fill in any gaps that we can until you feel ready to talk to Clay about it.”</p><p>Thanking them quietly, Justin sinks back against the sofa, allowing Matt and Lainie to end the session with Dr. Ellman.</p><p>For as anxious as he feels, he walks to get a snack feeling a lot lighter knowing that everything is out in the open and a plan is in place to help him keep moving forward.</p><p>
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</p><p>The sun continuously ducks in and out of the clouds as Justin sits in Clay’s car, staring at the football team out on the field.</p><p>“This was a horrible idea, wasn’t it?” he asks, tapping his fingers against the door, trying to will himself to get out of the car and walk to go see everybody.</p><p>“I don’t think it was a horrible idea,” Clay answers, watching his brother. “I think it’d be good for you to see all of them, and Zach and Charlie are there to help you if you need it. Or I could come out with you if you want. I’ll just sit on the bleachers in case you need me.” He stops, looking at Justin. “Or we could just go home.”</p><p>“Definitely not that. I’ll feel stupid if I can’t do this,” Justin says quickly, shaking his head. “You think I can do it?”</p><p>“I know you can do it,” Clay smiles. “But if you don’t want to, I’m not going to force you to do it. We can try again in a few days, or whenever you feel up to it.”</p><p>Justin watches the team run springs, yelling and laughing with each other, and sighs. “I want to do it now,” he decides, turning to look at Clay. “Bail me out if you think I’m struggling?”</p><p>“Definitely,” Clay nods, handing Justin his phone and hitting his shoulder.</p><p>Justin smiles, opening the door and pocketing his phone in his back pocket, walking down the paved path and through the gate that led to the football field.</p><p>Charlie notices him first, speeding up to finish his sprint before running over to him. “Holy shit, you’re here!” he smiles, hugging him gently as the rest of the team jogs over to say hello.</p><p>“Good to see you up and moving,” Zach says quietly, wedging his helmet under his arm. “Are you doing okay?”</p><p>“I mean, as well as I think I should be,” he shrugs. “I still have good and bad days, but I figured I’d take advantage of a good day and come see you guys for a little bit.”</p><p>Zach nods, smiling. “I was surprised to see you walk in, but I’m glad you made it. Do you need anything?”</p><p>Justin smirks. “I need you to act like I’m not going to break just standing here,” he says, moving to say hi to a few other guys that walked over.</p><p>“I probably can’t stay long, but I’ve been wanting to come see you guys,” he says, thankful when Kerba corrals the group into doing drills, standing beside him as the team breaks off into groups.</p><p>“Did you want to toss the ball around with the team?” Kerba asks quietly, stretching the ball he had in his hand towards Justin. “Feeling up to it?”</p><p>Justin stares at the ball. “Oh, I -” he begins, stopping himself short. “I definitely can’t throw normally. It’ll um, it’ll twist the muscles in my stomach, and they’re still healing.”</p><p>“That’s fine,” Kerba nods. “Throw underhand to Charlie. Right there,” he encourages, a smile on his face.</p><p>Justin takes the ball, chewing on his lip. Tossing it between his hands, Justin underhands it to Charlie, who lobs the ball easily down the field with a smile.</p><p>“I know you can’t do everything you once could, at least not right now,” Kerba says quietly, watching the practice. “But if you want to come here and get away from everything, I want you to participate in any way that you can.”</p><p>“Thank you,” Justin whispers, high fiving a teammate as he shifts on his feet. “I want to come more. When I’m able to.”</p><p>“The door is always open. The guys will always be glad to have their captain here.”</p><p>Justin nods, shifting when Kerba hits him gently on the back and walks over to address the team. Justin takes the opportunity to sit down, picking up a ball at his side and tossing it between his hands. He doesn’t notice Monty coming to sit down beside him until he speaks up, grabbing a water bottle from his side.</p><p>“I wanted to say something. To text you,” Monty says. “I thought about stopping by with Charlie and Zach one time, but then I wasn’t sure if you’d want to see me.”</p><p>Justin glances at him, smiling. “I would’ve been happy to see you,” he replies, “but I get why you didn’t come.”</p><p>Monty sighs. A moment of silence passes between them, and Zach takes a swig out of the water bottle. “Meth Seth really is a dick, huh?”</p><p>Justin laughs. “The worst,” he agrees. “But maybe this time they’ll get their sentencing right and he’ll actually be in jail the whole time. Not out on some bullshit parole or whatever.”</p><p>“Did you have any idea something like that was going to happen?” Monty asks, voice cautious. He glances at Justin, and then looks away quickly.</p><p>Justin shrugs. “Nah, not like that,” he admits quietly. “Maybe I should have realized he’d be dumb enough to pull something like this. He always was unpredictable. As if people wouldn’t see him knock me down and stab me in broad daylight.”</p><p>Monty doesn’t flinch, instead laughing as he shakes his head. “Fucking insane, right? Thought he was at least a little smarter than that.”</p><p>They watch as the group slowly starts to come back together. Monty hesitates, taking a sip. “I know you’ve got a lot of people helping, but if you just want to bitch, I’m around. You can text me, or whatever,” he says, standing up.</p><p>“Thanks, man,” Justin smiles, standing and following him. He joins Zach at the edge of the field, tossing footballs towards Charlie for drills and feeling more part of the team than he has in a long time.</p><p>He watches until practice ends, tossing the ball around with a few teammates before walking back to the car, ignoring Clay’s teasing remarks about how proud he was of him when he returns.</p><p>Through all of it, despite the discouragement he felt when he realized how much longer he had to go, Justin decides it’s the most normal he’s felt in months.</p><p>It’s the smallest of silver linings after months of feeling like nothing was ever going to get better.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you guys for reading and commenting!</p><p>next week's chapter features family therapy and little changes for the family.</p><p>see you next Friday!</p><p>title of the chapter is from So Will I by Ben Platt</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. can you see that I'm anxious</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>the Jensens go to family therapy, Jess visits, and Lainie returns to work</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dr. Sales was the highest rated family therapist that specializes in trauma in Evergreen. Lainie spent days agonizing over her options, comparing experience and services until she felt like she could make an informed decision. Running it by Matt, she was relieved that he seemed to agree, and made an appointment for all four of them to attend together, noting that it may continue on for the foreseeable future depending on how they feel.</p>
<p>Justin was the more enthusiastic of the boys to attend, although Lainie suspected it had more to do with the fact that they were going to Dr. Sales’ office rather than having her come to the house like Dr. Ellman had been doing. To Clay’s credit, he had been saving his negativity about family therapy until Justin wasn’t there, and had been remaining optimistic and positive in front of Justin when he understood how important it was.</p>
<p>Dr. Sales’ office is located on the other side of town in an old home. Lainie admired the decor, looking at the photos hung up on the wall until Dr. Sales called them back, introducing herself and giving everyone time to introduce themselves as well.</p>
<p>“I understand we’re here to talk about the attack that you guys have been through, but I also understand that Justin was adopted?”</p>
<p>“A few months ago,” Justin says quietly. “But I’ve been living with them for over a year.”</p>
<p>Dr. Sales nods. “So it’s not necessarily about feeling uncomfortable with their care since the attack, it’s more to do with your past?”</p>
<p>Justin hesitates. “I try not to be uncomfortable with them worrying about me, but yeah. I didn’t have people to care for me growing up, and having them there makes me feel awkward or like there are other things they should worry about besides me.”</p>
<p>Dr. Sales nods. “How does it make the rest of you feel? When he gets upset about being helped or maybe acts like he doesn’t want you guys to worry about him?”</p>
<p>Lainie glances at her family, and then sighs. “I feel helpless,” she admits, not wanting to make Justin feel uncomfortable. “Since he’s been with us, I’ve noticed that he shies away from help on pretty much anything. I’ve always felt that my job as a mother was to care for my children, to nurture them and help them through anything they may be going through. And I’m not naive to Justin’s past struggles, to the life he’s endured, but it makes me feel like I can’t make him feel comfortable in our home.”</p>
<p>“I don’t feel uncomfortable at home, not at all,” Justin says, sinking back against the sofa. “Being with you guys is the safest I’ve ever felt. I never meant to make you feel like that.”</p>
<p>Lainie nods, reaching over and squeezing his arm for reassurance. “I know you don’t mean it.”</p>
<p>“I get Justin’s need to want to not accept help or whatever, but it’s frustrating sometimes,” Clay speaks up. He stares at his feet, folding his hands in his lap. “He doesn’t have to do any of it alone, especially this recovery, and I think sometimes he forgets that.”</p>
<p>Matt’s silent for a moment, taking his time before answering. “I guess I never thought much of it,” he admits. “I knew that Justin’s past trauma partially stemmed from abusive men in his life. I always had the mindset that as our arrangement became more permanent and we started with the adoption proceedings, Justin would need to take time to warm up to me and trust that I would never hurt him. And when you add in the vulnerability of Justin being sick and needing more help to recover after the attack, I think maybe in the back of my mind I had assumed that it would take some time before he trusted me to help care for him.”</p>
<p>“I’m starting to trust you guys more,” Justin says, looking at all three of them. “I’m trying to let myself be cared for. To not be so stubborn and do everything myself. I know I still have my moments, but I really am trying.”</p>
<p>“We know you are,” Lainie smiles. “But we also know that we need to start moving forward, and this is a great place.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, looking towards Dr. Sales.</p>
<p>“Do you feel comfortable with discussing the attack? Hearing what happened, getting your family’s perspective from their side? We’ll of course talk about what you remember and your feelings as well.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, shifting in the chair. “I want to hear it.”</p>
<p>“You can let us know if we need to stop. Anyone can vocalize if they need a minute,” she smiles to the group.</p>
<p>Clay decides to be the one to speak first, sitting up straighter and staring at the clock on the wall. “We were walking home from school. We were talking about how I was going out with Ani and I was overthinking things, and Seth came up behind us,” he pauses, taking a breath. “He pinned you to the ground and he was saying something to you, and then all of a sudden he was stabbing you. I just sort of yelled for help and then ran and shoved Seth off you before he could do anymore damage.”</p>
<p>Beside him, Justin drops his head. “What happened after?”</p>
<p>Clay shrugs. “I can’t remember. Someone um, someone brought a towel or a blanket or something? And I just kept talking to you about what I thought I would do that weekend. I was rambling, not making any sense. I just needed you to stay awake. And then Mr. Standall moved me out of the way so the medics could help you, and I wasn’t allowed to be with you anymore. I didn’t see you until after they let me leave the ER.”</p>
<p>“Why were you in the ER?” Justin asks. “Have you told me this before?”</p>
<p>Clay shakes his head quickly. “I went into shock. They said it was because I watched it happen, but they wanted to make sure I was okay before they let me leave.”</p>
<p>He watches Justin chew on his lip, nodding.</p>
<p>“I was in a client meeting when the office secretary called me out to say that I had an important phone call,” Lainie began, speaking up when there was a lull in the conversation. “It was Mr. Standall, who told me that Seth attacked you on your way home from school, you were being brought to the hospital and Clay was okay. Mr. Standall let me know that you were alive, but that it was critical. I didn’t return to the meeting and I raced to the hospital with my things.”</p>
<p>“You didn’t go back to the meeting?”</p>
<p>“Did you think I would?” Lainie asks, a teary smile on her face. “Honey, I had the secretary let them know I had to leave, and had her cancel all my meetings for the following day. All I could think about was getting to you and your brother. Work never comes before the two of you.”</p>
<p>Matt clears his throat. “I was grading papers when I got the call from Mr. Standall. He told me the same thing, that you were critical and being brought to the hospital, and I should get there as soon as I could. I dropped what I was doing and left. I texted my boss in the car and let him know I needed emergency time away and I would explain later,” he explains. “I didn’t even cap my pen. When I went back to my office to get a few things after you were awake, my pen and coffee were left abandoned.”</p>
<p>Justin smiles, rubbing under his eyes. “When did you get to see me?”</p>
<p>“I saw you first,” Lainie smiles. “You were already in surgery by the time we got there. Mrs. Standall assured us you were doing okay, she saw you before you went up. We waited on pins and needles, and when the doctors told me that you were settled in your room, they brought me back so I could be with you while we waited for Dad and Clay.”</p>
<p>Justin blows out a breath. Squeezing his eyes shut, he forces them open again. “How bad was it?”</p>
<p>Lainie tilts her head, a sad smile passing over her face. “You were pretty badly injured, love,” she whispers. Your eye was swollen shut, you were on the ventilator, and you were attached to so many monitors that it was hard to even hold your hand. I just kept reminding you that I was there, that I loved you, and that it was going to be okay.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, chewing on his lip. “Were you okay when you saw me?” he asks, directing his question to Clay.</p>
<p>Clay shrugs. “I tried to be,” he starts, and then stops and shakes his head. “I was really shaken up. I had just been with you and you were kind of awake. Now you couldn’t even breathe on your own and you were in a coma and I was having such a hard time believing that you would be okay.”</p>
<p>Chewing on his lip, Justin nods. “I never wanted you to feel like that. When you saw me, or when you sat with me. I didn’t… you didn’t have to stay if it was hard.”</p>
<p>Clay furrows his eyebrows. “What do you mean?” he asks, turning to look at him. “Did you really think I was going to just leave and come back when you were awake or you were doing better?”</p>
<p>Justin shrugs. “It’s not like I would’ve remembered you not being there,” he says quickly, and then shakes his head. “I mean, I’m glad that you were there. It helped a lot when I woke up to see you. I just… I don’t want you to do things for me if it makes you feel uncomfortable.”</p>
<p>“Seeing you like this makes me uncomfortable,” Clay says. His voice is challenging, and he waits to see if anyone stops him before he continues. “The Justin I know is so full of energy. He’s always out with his friends or playing sports or annoying me all the time. And I know this is temporary, I know that you’ll get back to your normal self. But right now I don’t know how to help you. I don’t know how to make you feel better, or make you comfortable when things are hard. And if I don’t know how to do that, how am I supposed to just sit there and watch you suffer?”</p>
<p>Justin squeezes his eyes shut, gripping the sides of the chair. “This is why I need everything to go back to normal,” he says quietly. “I don’t want any of you thinking about how you need to make me feel better or make me comfortable. I just… I want you guys to go back to your lives and work and school, and I don’t want you guys to feel like you have to go out of your way to accommodate me.”</p>
<p>“Justin, honey, it’s our job to make you feel better,” Lainie says carefully. “We want to make you feel comfortable, we want to help you feel better. You don’t owe anyone anything.”</p>
<p>Dr. Sales waits a moment, and then steps in. “Justin, what do you need from them?” she asks carefully. “They are always going to care for you and want to make you feel better. But when you say you need everything to go back to normal, what do you mean by that?”</p>
<p>Lainie watches Justin brush his fingers over his stomach, shifting slowly before he begins speaking again. “I know I can’t be home alone yet,” he says quietly. “I know I do still need their help, and that’s fine. I just… I want everyone to do their normal routines. I want Clay to hang out with our friends, even if that’s without me. I want Matt to go back to teaching more in person, or maybe work the whole day like he used to instead of coming home early. I want Lainie to go back to the office sometimes, get away from the house and not feel like she needs to be right there for me just in case. I trust Matt, and I know he can help me. I’ll be okay with him.”</p>
<p>He refuses to look at any of his family members. He stares at his lap, focusing on his breathing as the room is silent for a moment.</p>
<p>“Do you all think those are reasonable accommodations?” Dr. Sales asks, looking around the room.</p>
<p>“I can do that,” Clay nods, looking at Justin. “I’ll stop saying no to everything just to sit and hang out with you. I’ll split it more.”</p>
<p>“On days that I go into the office, I can certainly go back to work for my normal hours rather than coming home early,” Matt smiles.</p>
<p>Lainie hesitates, taking a shaky breath. Justin forces himself to look at her. “I can alternate days with your dad. On days he stays home with you, I can go into the office,” she says quietly, but Justin doesn’t miss the fear laced through her words. “We can start in a few days, if that’s okay.”</p>
<p>Justin smiles, eyes watery. “Yeah, that’s okay,” he whispers.</p>
<p>“What do you guys need from Justin?” Dr. Sales asks, looking around the room. “He’s made his requests for what he needs from you guys, but recovery goes both ways. What do you need from him?”</p>
<p>Clay smiles. “I need him to stop being so stubborn and realize that we aren’t put out by him asking for things,” he says. “And I need him to stop pushing through things we’re doing if he’s in pain or uncomfortable.”</p>
<p>“I would like for him to feel that he has an outlet to voice his frustration,” Matt says. “We understand we’re at a point in his recovery where he’s more frustrated, but we don’t want him to bottle it up or insist he’s fine. We get it, and we want him to know that it’s fine to voice his frustration and anger without fearing consequences.”</p>
<p>Lainie sighs. “I want Justin to know that in the middle of the night, it’s okay to ask me for something to make him more comfortable. I think there are times where he just tells me yes to things I offer because he knows it means I’ll go back to sleep, but he doesn’t need to worry about that. If he needs me to do something more, I want him to ask.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Justin nods, swallowing roughly. “I can try all of that,” he promises.</p>
<p>Dr. Sales smiles. “I think this is an excellent start. Working through the trauma of the accident will take time, and we can keep pushing forward next week. But for now, I want you all to take into consideration what you’ve asked for from each other, and really work on making that a reality this week.”</p>
<p>They all thank her quietly, and Lainie walks behind her boys with her hand clasped in Matt’s, the decisions and requests weighing heavy on her heart as they move more forward into an anxious period of healing.</p>
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<p>Long after Justin had fallen asleep across the hall watching a movie on Clay’s laptop, long after Clay snuck out from Justin’s head on his shoulder and went back to the outhouse after leaving a note on the bedside table so Justin didn’t worry, Lainie laid in bed awake staring at the ceiling.</p>
<p>Matt laid beside her, volume on the TV quiet, filling the empty space. She stares at the ceiling fan spinning around slowly, folding her hands over her chest.</p>
<p>“Are you still awake?” Matt asked quietly, fingers reaching up to brush through her hair. “It’s late.”</p>
<p>“I don’t know how I’m going to go back to the office next week,” she whispers, her fear now out in the open. “I know I promised him, and I know it’s not every day, but Matt,” turning, she looks at him, “I can’t be away from him.”</p>
<p>Matt brushes his thumb over her cheek, sighing. “Justin won’t be alone,” he reminds her. “I will be here, and on days you’re in the office and he has appointments, I will be sure he gets to all of them and send you plenty of updates.”</p>
<p>“I didn’t think it’d be this hard. Even just the thought of being gone from him for the day,” she stops, shaking her head. “I feel like I did when I left Clay for the first time after I had him.”</p>
<p>Matt turns, leaning up on his elbow. “And that turned out okay, right?” he smiles. “I am more than capable of taking care of Justin, and remember, this is what he asked for. We’re not imposing this because we feel like it should be the next step. He’s asked for this to be the next step. The least we can do is honor that.”</p>
<p>Lainie blows out a breath, nodding. “You have to let me know what’s going on. Good or bad, I need to know. And if you need me to come home, you -”</p>
<p>“I will tell you,” Matt promises. In the harsh glow of the television screen, Lainie can see a smile. “I will give you updates on what we’re doing and how he’s doing. I’ll even send you photos of physical therapy and anything major that he does. But I think we both know that we’ll spend a few hours doing school, and then we’ll manage his physical therapy exercises here and keep working on independence and getting around.”</p>
<p>Lainie relaxes, leaning forward to kiss him. “I can do this,” she whispers, trying to prove it to herself.</p>
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<p>There are days where Justin prefers to shut out the world, focusing only on getting through the day and hoping that the following day was better. He’d cling to Clay or Matt and Lainie, watching movies or working on schoolwork until he couldn’t focus anymore.</p>
<p>He goes days without texting his friends, their messages littering his inbox, largely left unread. He knows they understand, they don’t judge him for not being able to answer, but oftentimes the guilt overtakes him and he asks Clay to update them that he’s fine, he just needs some space.</p>
<p>None of his friends ever got upset. They’d continue sending memes and jokes as they normally would, never expecting a reply in return. Justin was grateful, but even moreso, he was grateful for Jess, who he had turned away more times than he can count. Who he’d asked to leave early when the conversations were too difficult, who he spent stretches in silence with because the thought of talking made his head throb.</p>
<p>Jess never wavered. She’d leave when he needed it, pressing a kiss to his cheek and a promise that she’d come back in a little while. And even if their status together was in limbo, even if Justin isn’t really sure what they are, she showed up with unhealthy snacks and the willingness to sit with him and stare at the ceiling if that’s what he wanted.</p>
<p>Today she brought more gummy worms, beaming as she falls beside him on the sofa. “I don’t know what you feel up to doing today, but I know you’re always up for gummy worms. And Mrs. Jensen said they’re always approved when I’m coming to visit.”</p>
<p>Justin smiles, opening the pack of gummy worms. “I rely on you to fuel my sugar needs when no one else will,” he smirks. “Want to watch a movie?”</p>
<p>Raising her eyebrows, Jess smiles. “You’re feeling up to that? It’s a good day then, huh?”</p>
<p>Justin shifts, nodding. “I’ve actually had a good few days. Not sure what that means, but at least it’s something.”</p>
<p>Jess reaches over, stealing a gummy worm from the package. “It’s definitely something,” she smiles. “How have things been? We don’t have to talk about it if you don't want to.”</p>
<p>Justin shrugs. Sucking on the edge of a gummy worm, he stares at his feet. “I’m doing school at home, which sort of sucks, but it’s also nice because I can just stop when I can’t do it anymore,” he smiles. “I want to talk to the doctors about coming to school in person, even if it’s just for a few hours a day, but I think maybe I need to get a little stronger first.”</p>
<p>Jess smiles. “Then wait. Don’t rush back just because you want to be in a routine,” she says. “I heard you went to football practice the other day.”</p>
<p>“I did,” Justin nods. “That was nice. Just like, an hour of being fucking normal. Tossing the ball a little bit with Charlie, hanging out with the guys.”</p>
<p>Jess nods. “Think you’re up for a game this year?”</p>
<p>Justin shrugs. He pulls a gummy worm between his hands, stretching it until it becomes thinner. “I made it a goal to go to senior night. Even if I can’t stay the whole game, or I only make it through the ceremony before the game. I just want to be there.”</p>
<p>“That’s amazing, Justin,” she says softly. “The team will be happy to have you there. Even if it’s not the whole time. Just being able to celebrate senior night, being able to celebrate you in person, that’s more than enough.”</p>
<p>Justin nods. “I think maybe I just need to be realistic about things,” he breathes, biting off the head of a gummy worm. “Maybe I just focus on catching up and just make it my goal to come back to school after holiday break. Maybe that’s better for this.”</p>
<p>Jess leans her head against his shoulder. “No matter what you choose, none of us are leaving,” she whispers, reaching for his hand. “Whether you come back now or after the holidays, you’re never going to stop having us come visit, or bring you snacks, or including you in everything we do. Like it or not, you’re stuck with us.”</p>
<p>Justin laughs, pressing his cheek to her head. “I like that. A lot,” he mumbles, handing her the remote for her to choose a movie.</p>
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<p>Doing her best to ignore the fear of returning to work the following day, Lainie decides to pour her energy into Justin’s physical therapy appointment. She prepares herself for a difficult day, sitting on pins and needles in the physical therapy wing of the hospital they had just started attending regularly, eager to continue to take steps forward.</p>
<p>Moving physical therapy from the safety and comfort of home back to the hospital was just another terrifying step that Lainie knew was necessary, but simultaneously felt like they were moving at a million miles a minute all of a sudden.</p>
<p>She watches with bated breath as Justin slowly begins using his core muscles, working on his arm strength using light weights. She watches him get frustrated at his inability to do the exercises that would’ve once been easy, and then watches his face light up as he manages to sit up from laying down without any assistance from the physical therapists. Tears brim in her eyes as they all celebrate his latest accomplishment, a wide smile on his face when he catches Lainie’s gaze.</p>
<p>“Can you video this one?” he asks, leaning on his hands. “Just in case I can’t do it later, I want to show Clay that I did it for the first time today.”</p>
<p>Lainie nods, pulling her phone from her bag. With a proud smile, she videos Justin doing it again, everyone cheering once more.</p>
<p>She takes her seat again and sends the video to Justin for him to show the family, and watches as Justin finishes the last of his exercises before walking over to her.</p>
<p>“I know it won’t always be this great and I’m sure there’s other tough days coming,” Justin says, entering the elevator with Lainie, “but that felt really good. Being able to do something new is like the best thing ever.”</p>
<p>Lainie smiles, pressing the button for the parking garage. “I am so proud of you, love,” she says, rubbing his back. “After the last few weeks, you deserved a really good day of physical therapy.”</p>
<p>Together they walk to the car, Lainie helping Justin get situated. “Are you feeling up to going out to lunch? Maybe just to the diner?” she asks, looking at Justin. “With it being my last day at home with you, and with you having such a good physical therapy session, I thought we’d go to lunch to celebrate.”</p>
<p>Justin smiles, locking his phone and letting it fall in his lap. “Can I get a milkshake?”</p>
<p>Laughing, Lainie exits the parking garage. “Of course.”</p>
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<p>The diner is bustling when Lainie and Justin arrive, and Lainie holds her breath as the host leads them to a booth, listening to Justin’s polite smile and thank you to her as he slides in on the opposite side from Lainie.</p>
<p>“Do you want me to ask if we can sit at a table?” Lainie asks, unable to hide her worry from her words as she watches Justin readjust himself, opening the menu.</p>
<p>Justin smiles, setting the menu down so he can look at her, and shakes his head. “I’m okay, Lainie, really,” he promises. “It feels good to sit in a booth. To feel a little normal. I’ll let you know if it gets too hard.”</p>
<p>Lainie nods, looking through the menu herself before they both order. Surprised to hear Justin order soup, she hands the waitress her menu after ordering a sandwich and smiles at Justin.</p>
<p>“I was surprised to hear you order soup,” she comments, thanking the waitress when she returns with Lainie’s soda and Justin’s milkshake. “I thought you’d want breakfast food like always, and you’ve had so much soup the last few months.”</p>
<p>Justin shrugs, shifting his straw through his milkshake. “Normally I would want breakfast food, but I’m having a really good day and don’t want to ruin it being sick because I ate too many pancakes.” He takes a sip of his milkshake, smiling. “I’ll stick with the milkshake for now. At least it’s something to celebrate.”</p>
<p>Lainie nods. “Today’s been a good day, hasn’t it?” she asks, taking another sip of her soda. “It was a really rough few days, but I knew it’d eventually turn.”</p>
<p>Justin shrugs, skimming off a dollop of whipped cream onto his finger. “I was getting worried for a while,” he admits quietly. “I knew obviously I would learn to sit up by myself or whatever, but I just sort of figured it would take a while. After a lot more mastering what I could already do.”</p>
<p>“Do you like how hard they push you at physical therapy?” she asks carefully, folding her hands in her lap. “I know sometimes it’s necessary, but do you like that they just keep doing the same exercises that you weren’t able to do last session?”</p>
<p>Hesitating, Justin shrugs. “I get frustrated. I’ve definitely yelled at them before,” he smiles, his cheeks flushing. “But I also know that I’m not really going to get any better if we don’t try. So I guess I’m okay with it.”</p>
<p>Lainie takes a moment. “If you need them to slow down or avoid an exercise, you know you can ask them, right?” she reminds him. “Or if you don’t want to, I can do it for you.”</p>
<p>Justin smiles. “I don’t want them to slow down,” he says. “But I’ll tell them if I need more time, or ask if we can skip an exercise if it gets too hard,” he promises.</p>
<p>Lainie’s heart eases at Justin’s reassurance, allowing the silence to fill between them for a moment.</p>
<p>“Lainie,” Justin says quietly, looking back at her before back at his milkshake. “Are you nervous about tomorrow?”</p>
<p>Lainie’s honest answer hangs on the tip of her tongue, a worry that if she tells him how she really feels he’ll try to make her feel better.</p>
<p>But they preached honesty, and she’d hardly feel like she was doing the right thing if she lied to him.</p>
<p>“I am,” she breathes, smiling softly at him. “But honey, it’s not because I don’t think you’ll be fine at home with Matt or we’re not ready for this. It’s just an adjustment for me, but one that I’m more than willing to make because it means you’re getting better.”</p>
<p>Justin nods. He pulls the cherry from the melting whipped cream, biting it off the stem. “I’m nervous too, if it makes you feel better,” he shrugs. He waits a minute, and then his eyes widen. “Not because I’m nervous to be with Matt. I know he can take care of me, I’m not worried about that.”</p>
<p>“It’s just new,” Lainie offers, watching as the relief washes over Justin and he nods. “I get it, but you couldn’t be in better hands than you are with Matt.”</p>
<p>“I guess I just got so used to you always being there. It’ll just be weird, but I’m comfortable with Matt. And it was me that asked if we could take this next step,” he smiles. “Maybe it’s just normal to be nervous?”</p>
<p>Lainie leans back, allowing the waitress to set their lunches in front of them. “I think it’s absolutely normal to be nervous,” she assures him. “But the only way to keep moving forward is to keep doing things that make us nervous.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, taking a sip of his soup. “I hope you know how much I appreciate you basically stopping your life for me,” he says quietly, blowing gently on his next spoonful. “I mean, you stayed home from work for so long, you made the dining room your office, and you really didn’t have to do all of that.”</p>
<p>Lainie smiles, wiping the corner of her mouth with her napkin. “I needed that adjustment as much as you did,” she says quietly, reaching for her soda. “While the circumstances weren’t ideal, I needed that time away from the office more than I ever realized. You’ll never believe how much work I get done when colleagues can’t come in and interrupt my train of thought.”</p>
<p>Justin smiles. “Now you just had me interrupting your train of thought because I needed help.”</p>
<p>Lainie laughs, setting her sandwich down. “You were a much more enjoyable person to break my train of thought for,” she reminds him with a smile. “Far better than any stuck up lawyer knocking on my door asking me to help with a trial or a client brief despite having a full workload myself.”</p>
<p>Justin smiles, finishing off his milkshake. “When I’m allowed back to school all day, will things go back to normal at home?” he asks carefully, taking another bite of soup. “Like will you and Matt go back to work like you always did?”</p>
<p>Lainie hesitates. “I think so,” she breathes, despite never having thought about the question before. “Matt’s work is close to school, and I could get there quickly as well if you needed us,” she thinks out loud. “Is that what you would want? Us going back to work as normal?”</p>
<p>Smiling, Justin nods. “If I could tell you to go back now, I would,” he admits. “I just want to go back to normal.”</p>
<p>“Soon enough, my love,” Lainie promises. “Soon enough we’ll be back to juggling school and work and all your activities, and your senior year will be full of memories that you should’ve been able to make this whole time.”</p>
<p>Comforted by the thought, Justin nods and allows Lainie to help him stand, the two of them walking back to the car for a quiet few hours at home before Matt and Clay arrive home.</p>
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<p>Clay arrives home from school and finds Justin laying in bed reading the comics he left behind when moving to the outhouse.</p>
<p>Justin looks up to the door, brightening and setting the comic book down. “Wait, can you get Matt and then come back?” he asks, moving to lay down. “I want to show you guys something.”</p>
<p>Clay smiles, knitting his eyebrows together. “Sure,” he says, turning back. Justin waits, watching as Lainie hides her smile and encourages him quietly, and then sits up by himself without anyone around.</p>
<p>“Oh my god,” Clay mumbles, walking over to sit down. “This is what you learned in physical therapy today?”</p>
<p>Beaming, Justin adjusts and leans back on his hands. “Yeah. I mean, we’ve been working towards it for weeks, I just didn’t say anything because I couldn’t do it,” he shrugs. “But since I learned how to do it, I wanted to show you. Lainie took a video just in case I wasn't going to be able to do it now.”</p>
<p>“Kiddo, that’s amazing,” Matt smiles, walking over. “Do you feel okay right now? You didn’t push yourself too hard trying to do that?”</p>
<p>Justin smiles. “Definitely not,” he promises. “And this means I’m one step closer to moving out to the outhouse, right?”</p>
<p>“I’d like to see you be a little more consistent with it,” Lainie smiles, crossing her arms over her chest. “Give us a few more sessions of physical therapy working on this, and then yes, you can move out into the outhouse.”</p>
<p>Justin smiles wider, nodding. “Deal,” he agrees, moving back to lean against the pillows.</p>
<p>Matt and Lainie leave the boys be, Clay moving back to lay beside Justin. “So many things are changing tomorrow,” Clay mumbles, shifting until he’s laying down. “Mom’s going back to work, you want to try to do more school with Dad than you have been.”</p>
<p>“And you’re still going to school,” Justin smirks, folding his hands gingerly over his stomach. “I’m excited for tomorrow. So at least Lainie can have some normalcy again.”</p>
<p>“Mom and Dad are both excited to switch off tomorrow,” Clay says. “I know it’s not that different, but it feels like something, right?”</p>
<p>Justin smiles. “It does,” he agrees quietly. “Feels a little more normal. Lainie going back to the office feels like they’re trading off a little more.”</p>
<p>Clay nods, reaching and grabbing a comic book Justin left on his nightstand. Justin stares at the ceiling, twisting his fingers in his shirt carefully.</p>
<p>“Do you think I’ll be able to come back to school soon?” he asks quietly, swallowing roughly. “Even if it’s just for half days. Do you think….”</p>
<p>“That’s not a dumb question,” Clay says when Justin trails off, setting the comic book on his lap. “I don’t know is my answer, though. Maybe when you can carry a little weight? Like a backpack?”</p>
<p>Justin nods. “I just miss going to school. I miss hanging out at lunch or sitting in class with our friends or whatever.”</p>
<p>Clay smiles. “I never thought I’d live to see the day where Justin Foley said he missed school.”</p>
<p>“Shut up,” Justin laughs, tossing an extra pillow at his head. “I miss our friends more than anything, really.”</p>
<p>Clay nods. “Well, until you can go back to school, they can keep coming here. Or we can go to them, if you’re feeling up to that. Whatever works,” he offers, satisfied when Justin agrees and reaches for his own comic book to continue reading until Matt calls them for dinner.</p>
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<p>Lainie busies herself in the morning by writing down Justin’s medication schedule on a piece of paper in the unlikely event Matt forgets it all.</p>
<p>Matt sets a mug of tea in front of her, joining her at the table. “We’re going to be okay today,” he reminds her with a smile, reaching to the center of the table to pull a few pancakes onto his plate. “I know when he needs his medication. We’re going to do school, and then he and I will work on some physical therapy. Whatever he’s feeling up for.”</p>
<p>Lainie nods, setting her pen down and grabbing a pancake for her own plate. “It’s just my mind going into overdrive,” she sighs. “I know you guys will be fine. I know you know his medication schedule, or what he can handle with physical therapy. I’m just -”</p>
<p>“It’s your first day away from him in almost two months,” Matt replies as he takes another bite. “I get it, Lain. Do you think it was easy for me to go back to the office and be away from him? Especially yesterday, when I stayed the whole day instead of coming home early.”</p>
<p>Pressing her lips into a thin line, Lainie sighs. “I forgot you’ve already done this,” she says. “Does it get easier? Leaving him here, being out of the house?”</p>
<p>Matt smiles. “The first few days were hard,” he admits. “Like unbelievably difficult. I worried that he was going to get sick or hurt himself or something would go wrong without me home with you guys. But I also needed to prove that it would be okay without me right here. That you had it more than under control, and Justin was fine to have just one of us here with him.”</p>
<p>Lainie blows out a breath, nodding. “He’s doing so much better now than when you started going back in,” she reminds herself. “Being away is good for both of us. We just need to rip the bandaid off now.”</p>
<p>Matt reaches his hand across the table. “We will be okay,” he promises, squeezing. “I will send you updates every few hours, and if you’re worried, you can call. Otherwise you can just assume that everything is fine here. You know I’d call if anything went wrong.”</p>
<p>Finishing her breakfast, Lainie nods. She stands, places her plate in the sink, and turns around. “I’m going to go check on him one more time before I leave,” she says, kissing Clay on the cheek as he walks in for breakfast before disappearing upstairs.</p>
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<p>Lainie makes it just over two hours before she texts Matt, who sends her a photo of Justin working on his homework at the dining room table.</p>
<p>
  <em>He is fine, I promise. Made it through math, now we’re working on his English assignment. He’s doing great.</em>
</p>
<p>She takes a breath, stares at the photo, and then wills herself to get back to work.</p>
<p>She’s grateful for her colleagues who scheduled meetings to reacclimate her to all of the cases she took a step back from to focus on Justin. It gives her a period of time to dive directly into work, her phone close by just in case. She allows her heart to trust her husband and the fact that he will call if anything goes wrong, focusing on her cases and clients and allows herself to feel excited about being back in her office for the first time in almost two months.</p>
<p>She’s deep into a groove when her phone buzzes again, another photo coming through from Matt.</p>
<p>
  <em>Justin didn’t feel up to his normal physical therapy, so we took a walk to the corner and back :) he wanted to go longer, but I wasn’t ready to risk it. Still going to encourage his normal physical therapy, but this felt like a big step.</em>
</p>
<p>The photo is of Justin and Matt walking, Justin smiling as he gives a thumbs up to the camera. Chewing on her lip, Lainie blinks back the tears and composes herself, typing a reply back.</p>
<p>
  <em>Let him skip normal physical therapy exercises, the fact that you got him to go for a walk that far and back, and walk up the steps after is amazing :) tell him I’m proud of him!</em>
</p>
<p>She dives back into her client briefs, and as the clock hits 5 and she quickly realizes she’s made it through the entire day without overthinking or excessively worrying about Justin as much as she thought she was going to, she decides it’s a huge step in the right direction.</p>
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</p>
<p>There’s a different feel to the morning as Matt works on grading papers in the dining room, one ear listening acutely for Justin to start stirring upstairs so he could go up and help. Despite his numerous promises to Lainie that things were going to be fine, he can’t help but feel nervous that he won’t handle his first full day alone with Justin with the same grace and ease that Lainie has since the accident almost two months ago.</p>
<p>What he’s not expecting is to hear careful footsteps on the stairs, Justin appearing with a bright smile while holding onto the railing. “I know I’m not supposed to walk down the steps without someone watching,” he begins, walking across the hardwood and sitting down at the dining room table. “But I was always going to call out for you if I needed you, and I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it.”</p>
<p>Matt pulls his glasses off. “And you knew I’d be more forgiving than Lainie,” he smiles, standing as Justin ducks his head.</p>
<p>“Maybe that, too,” he admits with a sheepish smile. “Breakfast first, then school?”</p>
<p>Matt nods, walking to the kitchen. “That sounds like a plan. What are you feeling up to eating?”</p>
<p>Contemplating it for a moment, Justin shrugs. “Toast,” he decides, allowing Matt to make it and grab his medication.</p>
<p>“What subject are we working on first?” Matt asks, sitting back down at the table with his coffee.</p>
<p>Justin takes a bite of his toast. “I always do math first because that’s the hardest for me, and then I do the easier stuff after.”</p>
<p>Nodding, Matt returns to grading papers while Justin eats, pausing his own work when Justin stands and returns with his packets. They slowly work through math, taking it one step at a time as Matt does his best to keep up, checking over the answers as best he can.</p>
<p>“I am not math inclined,” he admits with a groan, running his fingers through his hair. “We’ll get through today’s section, and then we’ll have your mom check it when she gets home.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, moving to work on the next problem. “I don’t know why I have to learn math that’s this difficult anyway. It’s not like I’m ever going to use it again.”</p>
<p>Shaking his head as he laughs, Matt peers over Justin’s shoulder. “I’ve often wondered the same thing,” he says, nudging him when he messes up a simpler equation. “Depending on your major, the math you take in college will be much simpler than this. We just have to get through this year.”</p>
<p>Nodding, Justin finishes the next problem and leans back. “Do you think we could get my doctor to say that I can’t finish math this year and I should be moved out of the class?”</p>
<p>A wry smile passes Matt’s face. “Do you push to be pulled out of math when you work on it with your mom?”</p>
<p>Justin smirks, pulling himself forward to continue working. “Nah, you know she’d just lecture me on how all subjects are important, and even if it’s hard, I need to keep working at it.”</p>
<p>Matt laughs. “You know her too well,” he says with a smile.</p>
<p>Justin works through the next problem. “She keeps reminding me that my memory will come back and math will get easier, but I was never good at math, even before all of this,” he admits. “And I don’t want you guys to be upset with me if my grade somehow gets worse through all of this.”</p>
<p>“Justin, kiddo, look at me,” Matt says softly, becoming more serious. He waits until Justin looks up before speaking. “We will never be upset with you for a bad grade, you know that? Especially right now.”</p>
<p>Justin shrugs. “I know how much you expect us to get good grades.”</p>
<p>“We want you both to do your best,” Matt reminds him gently. “Clay has had plenty of grades that weren’t great, but we always knew he was trying. That’s all we ask for. You don’t have to get straight A’s or even make the honor roll. If you’re trying and you ask for help when you need it, what more could we ask for?”</p>
<p>Nodding, Justin looks back to his paper. “So even if all this work ends up getting me a bad grade, you won’t be upset?”</p>
<p>“Not in the slightest,” he promises. “We know how hard you’re working, you’re asking for help, and we are proud of you.”</p>
<p>Justin blows out a breath, running his fingers through his hair. “One more problem, and then we can work on my English assignment.”</p>
<p>Sensing Justin didn’t want to push the conversation further, Matt leans back and nods, focusing his attention back on the homework in front of them.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Helping Justin with his English assignments goes marginally better than his help with math had, the two of them working through grammar assignments and analysis of classic literature, Justin admitting sheepishly that he had just been reading summaries on his phone to get through the assignments.</p>
<p>“While I’d love it if you actually read these classic novels to get a true appreciation, I guess I should just be happy that you’ve read the summaries at all, especially at this stage,” he says with a smile, reading through the essay question Justin had to work on for their reading <em>Lord of the Flies</em>.</p>
<p>“I read some of this book,” he says, looking over the question himself. “The whole group are dicks to Piggy, who’s doing his best.”</p>
<p>Matt can’t help but laugh. “Well, you’ve got the basics, but we need to put it much more eloquently than you just did, and we need to elaborate and answer the question,” he smiles. “How about we outline what you want to say, write the introduction paragraph, and then we take a break. Eat a snack and work on some physical therapy,” he offers.</p>
<p>Justin nods. “I can do that,” he agrees. “Then we can come back to school later?”</p>
<p>“Sure, if you’re still feeling up to it,” Matt promises with an easy smile as the two of them turn back to focusing on his work.</p>
<p>After finishing the work, Matt gives Justin a moment while he grabs them both a snack, returning to the table as Justin puts his things away.</p>
<p>“I was thinking instead of doing the normal physical therapy exercises, could we go for a walk instead? Not far, obviously, but I want to get out of the house. Even if it’s just for a little bit.”</p>
<p>Matt hesitates, nodding. “We’re not going far. Maybe just to the corner and back,” he prefaces, standing to grab their shoes. “But I think we could both do with some fresh air, and it’ll feel good to get out of the house for a little while for something other than appointments.”</p>
<p>Smiling, Justin slips on his own shoes. “I just want to be doing something that makes me feel like I don’t have to just lay there or work on the same physical therapy exercises,” he says. “I know they’re important, but I need to do other things, you know?”</p>
<p>“I do,” Matt nods, guiding Justin out the back door, locking it behind him. “You’ve been handling this whole recovery with such grace, but I know it’s been repetitive, and that can be boring.”</p>
<p>Justin reaches his hand out as they walk down the gradual incline of the driveway, resting it on Matt’s arm. “I know it’s like, asking a lot to go for walks every day or whatever, but maybe we can start doing them more? And still do some of the physical therapy exercises they send home so my muscles rebuild.”</p>
<p>They continue on the uneven path, Matt keenly aware of Justin’s balance as they slow the pace down and he walks beside him. “I think that could work,” he smiles. “Your mom would love to go on more walks with you, and as you keep getting stronger and can handle more, we’ll go further than the corner.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, stopping at the corner and resting for a moment. “Can we show her that we went for a walk today? Like send her a picture or something?” he asks. “I know she’s probably been worried today.”</p>
<p>“I wouldn’t necessarily say worried,” Matt smirks, pulling his phone out of his pocket. He snaps a photo, sending it to Lainie. “This is just an adjustment for all of us. A happy, exciting adjustment that we’ve all been waiting for, but one that’s going to take some time.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, initiating the walk back towards the house. “Can I be super honest about something?” he asks after a minute, grabbing Matt’s arm as he walks over an uneven part of the sidewalk.</p>
<p>Matt helps him through the uneven part, smiling. “You can always be honest with us, kiddo.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, folding his arms across his chest. “When Dr. Sales asked me to make requests for what I need from you guys, it scared me to say that I wanted Lainie to go back into the office a few times a week,” he says quietly. “Not because I don’t trust you or anything, it’s just because her being away makes me feel like it’s getting better, even though I don’t really feel like I’m getting that much better.”</p>
<p>“It’s a big change,” Matt smiles. “I know it’s what we’ve been working towards, but it’s a lot different actually going through it than it is to just talk about it.”</p>
<p>Sighing, Justin slows his pace down. “Lainie just always knew what to do. Not that you don’t I just… I don’t know,” he shakes his head. “I didn’t want you to feel like you had to know all of that just because I said I was ready for her to go back to work.”</p>
<p>Matt helps Justin sit down on the front step, sitting beside him. “I want you to be honest with me. Were you ready for her to go back to work?” he asks, smiling. “It won’t hurt my feelings.”</p>
<p>Justin smiles. “I think I was ready. I think maybe we just need to get used to it,” he decides after a moment. “I mean, we’re having a good day, right?”</p>
<p>“We’re having an excellent day,” Matt agrees with a smile.</p>
<p>“Good enough to walk to the corner again?” Justin tries, smiling when Matt laughs.</p>
<p>“Maybe in a little bit,” he compromises, standing up and helping him stand. “I don't want you to get too tired, so we’ll go back to eat lunch and do a little more school, and then we’ll decide.”</p>
<p>Justin smiles, walking up the driveway. “Deal,” he agrees, waiting at the bottom of the steps as Matt pulls the house key out of his pocket. “And Matt?”</p>
<p>Matt turns back, opening the door.</p>
<p>“Thank you. For taking care of me the last few months. For understanding why I needed Lainie to help more than you.”</p>
<p>Matt smiles, locking the door behind them. “Always, Justin. Whatever you need, whenever you need it, I’ll be there. You don’t have to ever worry about making me feel bad or feel guilty about you wanting Lainie more. As long as you’re happy, comfortable and taken care of, I’m okay. That’s all I want for you and your brother.”</p>
<p>Justin smiles, leaning against Matt’s side before returning to the kitchen, shifting the conversation to what they’ll have for lunch.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you guys for reading :)</p>
<p>next week's chapter has more with Amber's trial and Alex and Justin hanging out.</p>
<p>title of the chapter is from Dear Patience by Niall Horan</p>
<p>see you next Friday!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. I feel that you’re hurting, I know it’s not fair</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>the Jensens settle into a routine, prepare for Amber's trial, and Alex gives Justin advice.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After a few days of easing into their new routine, Matt and Lainie begin alternating days home with Justin. Lainie fills her days at home juggling Justin’s increased desire to do more homeschooling along with her own increasing workload with her clients, while Matt assists with drafting Justin’s statement for Amber’s upcoming trial and editing projects Justin worked on with Lainie the day before.</p>
<p>It’s a routine all of them agree to, one that Justin seems to thrive in. Lainie notices Justin is more honest about how he’s feeling, asking to stop his homeschool lessons because of a migraine, or postpone his physical therapy exercises because he’s too sore. Matt notices Justin beginning to understand that work now takes longer, asking for more breaks and quietly reminding himself that it’ll take time to get back to how it was before, but it’s okay to need more time right now.</p>
<p>Justin and Clay’s relationship has only continued to strengthen, the two laughing long into the night in the living room as they watch TV or look at social media on Clay’s phone. Justin often falls asleep on Clay’s shoulder, Matt and Lainie watching as Clay quietly coaxes him awake, helping him up to bed as Lainie follows with Justin’s medication for the evening.</p>
<p>There are flashes of normalcy despite the dark cloud hanging above them, a trial date looming for both Amber and Seth in the not too distant future.</p>
<p>It’s what slams Lainie back down to reality on a quiet morning, reading the email as she chooses jewelry to wear to the office.</p>
<p>“Amber’s trial is in three weeks,” Lainie mumbles, looking back at her husband through the mirror. “We are allowed to be present if we want, but it’s likely no sentencing will take place until after Seth’s trial.”</p>
<p>Matt nods, sitting back down on the edge of the bed. “What do you think is going to happen?” he asks, looking back at her.</p>
<p>Lainie carefully puts her earrings on, sighing. “I don’t know,” she admits, turning back to look at her husband. “I like to be optimistic and say that Justin’s statement, whether he’s able to read it or not, will convince the jury that rehab is a better fit for her to continue to fix her life. But I don’t want to say that and get Justin’s hopes up that this will all work out in his favor only to have it come crashing down and her be sentenced to jail time.”</p>
<p>Matt sighs, nodding. He stands, pulling a shirt from his closet. “It would be nice to have this be the break he deserves,” he comments, buttoning his shirt with ease. “This could be the turning point, the place where things finally start going better.”</p>
<p>Lainie smiles, grabbing her purse from the chair in the corner. “I hope you’re right, but I’m hesitant to get his hopes up,” she says. “You can tell him the trial date when he wakes up. My afternoon is pretty free, so if you guys have any questions, you can call and we can go through them. Or we can wait until after work and talk about it as a family, Clay included.”</p>
<p>Matt nods, leaning forward to kiss her. “Tell Clay now so he knows. I’ll answer what questions I can, and then we can talk as a family tonight.”</p>
<p>Lainie smiles, nodding as she turns to go downstairs and talk to Clay over breakfast before they all leave that morning, falling back into their routine once more.</p>
<p>
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  </span>
</p>
<p>“Will I be allowed to say my statement in person at the trial?”</p>
<p>It’s certainly not the first question Matt expects Justin to ask, but one he had been prepared for.</p>
<p>“We’ll have to talk to your doctors about it,” he replies easily, joining him again at the dining room table. “You’ve been doing really well, but I don’t want to say that you’ll be able to if your doctors don’t agree.”</p>
<p>Justin pulls his bottom lip between his teeth. “I want to work on the statement first today, not school,” he announces, dimming the brightness on his laptop. “I want to make sure it makes sense and it shows that my mom needs help. So hopefully they’ll let her go to mandatory rehab and she won’t be in jail.”</p>
<p>Matt sighs, resisting the urge to close the lid of the laptop. “Let’s slow down for a minute,” he says, looking at Justin. “Your brain is going a million miles a minute, kid. I don’t want you to shut us out with this update.”</p>
<p>Justin’s fingers hover over the keys, sighing. “I think she’s going to get sent to jail,” he admits quietly. “Which means we have to make my statement as good as possible. I don’t want… I don’t want a relationship with her, but I don’t want her to be sent to jail where no one will help her get better. She needs help, Matt. She always has.”</p>
<p>Hesitating, Matt reaches out and rests his hand on Justin’s. “I know, Justin,” he says, squeezing gently. “And I promise that we are going to do everything we can to get her that help. But you need to slow down, kiddo. You need to let us in, talk to us. Get angry if you need to.”</p>
<p>Justin shakes his head, staring at the screen. “I’m tired of being let down by everyone,” he sighs, pulling his hands away from the keyboard. “I need to give it one last try, and then I’m done.”</p>
<p>“That’s fair,” Matt nods. “We’re going to do everything we can to help you help your mother, but Justin, we need to think about your own recovery as well. You cannot pour your energy into an effort that is largely out of our hands.”</p>
<p>Sensing Justin’s push back, Matt holds his hand up. “We will make this statement the best statement in the world, and then we will take a step back and let the lawyers and courts handle it from there,” he begins, voice firm. “If you can’t read your statement, I will read it on your behalf. We will keep you in the loop of your trial if you can’t be there, and there is always an open door to talk about how you’re feeling to any of us, whenever you need it.”</p>
<p>Justin almost looks relieved to have a firm plan, nodding as he stares at his lap. “If I can go to the trial, will I be able to see my mom?”</p>
<p>Matt hesitates. “She’ll be in the courtroom throughout the trial. Do you want to have a conversation with her?”</p>
<p>Justin shrugs. “I don’t know,” he replies. “But I’d like to have the option, I think.”</p>
<p>Nodding, Matt squeezes Justin’s shoulder. “We’ll talk with Lainie and see if it’s a possibility. At least give you the option that day if you don’t decide before.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, grabbing his notebook.</p>
<p>“First my statement, then we can go for a walk, then school, then physical therapy exercises,” he rattles off, writing them down. “I wrote them all down so I won’t forget what order we’re going to go in.”</p>
<p>Smiling, Matt nods. He takes a sip of his coffee, leaning closer to Justin’s laptop. “Okay, kiddo. Let’s work on all of these then,” he says with a smile, helping him draft the last of his statement before they go through and edit.</p>
<p>
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  </span>
</p>
<p>Clay sits on the sofa in Dr. Ellman’s office, grateful for the time he’s given him to organize his thoughts. He picks at his cuticle, sighing.</p>
<p>“Amber got a trial date,” he finally announces. “And I still don’t feel like I’m doing enough for Justin.”</p>
<p>Dr. Ellman smiles, his pen clicking as he writes notes down. “Those are both vastly different thoughts, Clay,” Dr. Ellman smiles. “How do you feel about the trial being set?”</p>
<p>Clay shrugs. “I feel bad, because I know Justin wants her to get sent to rehab and he wants her to get help, but she knew what Seth was going to do and she didn’t do anything to stop that,” he shakes his head. “I don’t think she deserves to just get help and sent to rehab, especially since her biological son was almost killed because of something she didn’t stop.”</p>
<p>“I’m guessing Justin is pushing for a mandatory rehab stay?”</p>
<p>Clay nods. “I don’t get it. All she’s done his whole life is hurt him and let him down, and when he has the chance to have her pay for everything, he wants to turn around and help her. It doesn’t make sense,” Clay shakes his head. “He finally has the opportunity to get the upper hand, but he’s turning around and helping her. I don’t… how could he ever do that?”</p>
<p>Dr. Ellman sets his pen down. “It’s likely that Amber was a victim of abuse as well,” he begins. “And while you may not understand Justin’s reasoning for wanting to help his mother despite how many times she may have let him down, it’s not unusual for him to cling onto something from his past, especially when it comes to wanting to get her help.”</p>
<p>“If I tell him I don’t agree, he’s going to freak out and it’ll be a huge fight,” Clay sighs. “But I don’t just want to sit there and act like I agree with this because I don’t.”</p>
<p>“Sometimes loving someone means not agreeing with all of their choices, Clay,” Dr. Ellman explains. “I think it’s highly likely that you and Justin will never see eye to eye on his decision to help his mother, and that’s okay. But you two should work on talking it through, seeing each other’s sides. You’re almost adults, you should be able to have a civil conversation about your feelings without feeling like he’s going to freak out.”</p>
<p>Clay blows out a breath. “So I should just lay it out in the open? Tell him that I don’t understand how he could ever help his mom and just let him explain?”</p>
<p>“I think it’s the best course of action in this case, yes,” he agrees. “You both deserve to explain your sides and how you view things. Just like you should get to explain how you view this, he deserves to explain to you why he feels like he needs to do this. It’s not fair to Justin if you just say how you feel and don’t give him a chance to explain.”</p>
<p>“Justin and I are never going to see eye to eye on this.”</p>
<p>Dr. Ellman smiles. “No, maybe not,” he agrees. “But you both deserve to hear each other out.”</p>
<p>Clay relents, nodding. “Fine, I’ll try to talk it out with him. But if I’m here next week saying we got in a fight, I’m partially blaming you.”</p>
<p>Dr. Ellman laughs. “Then we’ll deal with that if it comes to it,” he smiles. “Now, what makes you feel like you’re not doing enough for him?”</p>
<p>Clay shrugs, exaggerating. “I don’t know, the same thing that always makes me feel like that,” he says. “I took a step back in helping him, which has gone fine, honestly. It’s better for both of us that I just sit in the bathroom while he showers. But Justin has really good days, then it all comes crashing down to hard days, and all I do is sit there with him and try to distract him until it’s time to go to bed. How is that doing anything to help him?”</p>
<p>“Does he ask you to help more than that?” Dr. Ellman asks, writing down a few thoughts.</p>
<p>“No,” Clay sighs. “But Justin doesn’t always ask for things.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Dr. Ellman nods. “Does he seem like he’s holding back on asking for things?”</p>
<p>Clay hesitates. “No, I guess not.”</p>
<p>“So, has it occurred to you that maybe all Justin wants is for you to distract him? He doesn’t need to be coddled or babied?”</p>
<p>Resisting the urge to argue, Clay sighs. “I guess not, no,” he admits. “He does usually tell me what he wants over our parents. So I guess he wouldn’t lie to me now.”</p>
<p>Dr. Ellman smiles. “If you think he needs something, ask him. But if he says he doesn’t, that what you’re doing is fine, don’t keep pressing it. Take his word for it. He’s more than capable of making his own decisions.”</p>
<p>Clay nods, and while it’s not a full acceptance to the advice Dr. Ellman gave, he thinks maybe it’s advice he can at least try.</p>
<p>
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    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
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</p>
<p>In all the conversations the Jensen family has had over the last month and a half, the conversation surrounding Amber’s trial is the one Lainie had been dreading the most.</p>
<p>Justin had been asking questions whenever they came up - what they would do if she was put in jail, if his statement was good enough to make the courts see that she was a victim too - and Lainie has answered them all with ease. She promised that she would get more information from Marcus on specifics, that his statement was great and Matt is ready to read it in the event that he can’t, and they are doing everything they can to help him get his wishes for his mother before he begins to distance himself from her.</p>
<p>But the thought of sitting down as a family, concrete answers now in her possession and the trial looming just a few short weeks away, Lainie feels sick to her stomach, torn on if she’s doing the right thing.</p>
<p>When Marcus posed an innocent question - if she felt at ease supporting Justin’s decision to defend his mother and push for a mandatory rehab stay - Lainie immediately shook her head. Defending a mother who actively allowed her biological child to be put in harm's way is so far out of her comfort zone that the mere thought of going through with this makes her stomach churn. If she had it her way, they’d attend the trial quietly and listen to her be sentenced for jail time, punished for all the times she’s let Justin down. They’d cut Amber off cold turkey, leaving her with a parting note and a hope that they could rekindle a relationship in the future when she was doing better.</p>
<p>But Lainie knows that this is not her decision to make. She knows that Justin has a relationship with Amber that goes far deeper than the relationship Clay has with her. For so many years, Amber was Justin’s ticket to survival. And while Lainie would never condone some of the circumstances she left her son in to be sure that they had a roof over their head and minimal food on the table, she can sympathize with the feeling of wanting to so fiercely protect her child that she would do anything for them.</p>
<p>Even if that’s not what she believes Amber’s intentions were all the time, she knows this means a lot to Justin. So, against all her maternal instincts, she swallows the uneasy feeling and prepares how they’re going to approach this, asking her boys to sit with her after dinner so they could lay it all out in the open.</p>
<p>“It’s likely the trial will take most of the day,” she begins, looking around the table at all of her boys. “They’ll listen to the evidence they have that Amber knew about the crime being organized and didn’t report it. If Amber chooses, she’ll have a moment to defend herself as well. The court also knows that we’ll have a statement to read, and the jury will take that under consideration.”</p>
<p>All three boys nod, allowing Lainie to continue. “We have the option to attend the whole trial, or we can come in and out during recesses as we please. The courts understand that we may not be able to be present at the entire trial, and that’s okay.”</p>
<p>“Are we going to the whole trial?” Justin interjects, sinking back in his seat. “Sorry, I know you have more to say.”</p>
<p>Lainie smiles, looking back at him. “I want you to ask questions, love,” she reminds him. “We’ll need to talk to your doctors, as well as Dr. Ellman. I don’t want to promise you something that we’re not absolutely positive can happen. If you feel up to being there the whole time, then we can certainly be there. I’m just not sure that’s possible until we listen to your doctors.”</p>
<p>Justin nods. “What would we be there for if we can’t be there the whole time?”</p>
<p>“We’d be there for your statement reading, whether it’s you that reads it or Matt. If they choose to do sentencing now and you want to be there, we can be there for that.”</p>
<p>Nodding, Justin hesitates. “If I want, would I be able to talk with my mom? Privately?”</p>
<p>Clay shifts uncomfortably. Matt stares at the table, twisting his wedding ring around his finger. Lainie remains stoic, reaching her hand out to rest on Justin’s. “I can ask Marcus to request a moment for you and your mother, but I cannot promise it will be private,” she says softly. “Your mother is technically still in custody, and given what she’s being charged with, the courts are likely to say that they do not want you around her unsupervised, especially since you’re still a minor.”</p>
<p>“But that’s not fair!” Justin sighs, ripping his hand away. “I was alone with her for 16 years. I know… I know what she’s capable of. I know she wouldn’t try to hurt me, and it’d only be for a few minutes.” He stares at the table, squeezing his eyes shut. “I don’t want to see her after that, I just… I need a minute. To tell her that I hope we can fix things in the future and say goodbye for now. That’s all I want.”</p>
<p>Lainie takes a breath. “I will do everything I can to get you a private conversation with your mother no matter the outcome of the trial, Justin, I can promise you that,” she says, voice firm. “But I cannot promise you that your wish will be granted, okay?”</p>
<p>Justin’s shoulders relax slightly. “Yeah, okay,” he agrees, allowing Lainie to continue talking.</p>
<p>She lets Clay know that he can miss school for the trial if he chooses, explains what the trial will be like and what it will entail, and then leans back in her seat. “Do you have any questions?” she asks, looking between both boys. “If you both feel you can remain civil, we are open to having an honest discussion about anything you two want to talk about.”</p>
<p>Justin lifts his head. “Clay obviously wants to say something,” he announces, crossing his arms over his chest. “I will listen and hear what he has to say.”</p>
<p>“And I will be respectful of his feelings,” Clay agrees, taking a breath. “I guess I don’t know how you can support Amber after everything she’s put you through your whole life.”</p>
<p>Justin shrugs. “She’s all I have, Clay. Or all I had, I don’t know,” he takes a breath. “I don’t expect you to get it.”</p>
<p>“I support you in any decision you want to make with this, I hope you know that,” he prefaces, leaning forward. “I just… she almost got you killed, Justin. Even after everything you’ve been through together, she still betrayed you.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Justin whispers, lifting his head. “But Clay, you are never going to understand why I’m doing what I’m doing. You’ve never lived in a place where you aren’t sure if you’re going to get kicked out of your home. You’ve never had to wonder if your parents love you more than the guy they’re with for money or a place to stay. Your parents love you because you’re their kid, Clay. Your parents never put you in danger in your life, at least not intentionally or to the degree I’ve been in danger. You’ve never come home to find one of them passed out because they overdosed on drugs they bought on the street. You’ve never had to wonder if you were going to walk in to find your mom overdosed or died because of the guy she was with.”</p>
<p>Lainie pulls her bottom lip between her teeth, tears in her eyes as she listens to Justin speak openly and without hesitation about his life growing up. Matt stares at the table, hands folded together and ready to mediate should the conversation get out of hand.</p>
<p>“Sometimes I don’t even know why I’m bothering to help her, either,” he continues quietly. “Yes, she has let me down so many times, but I know that she needs help. She needs a way to get clean and get the therapy and counselors that will help her learn how to stay clean. And since I can’t do anything to help her, this is the only thing I can think of. I’m not expecting you to get it or agree or understand. I just need your support.”</p>
<p>For a moment, Clay is silent. He stares at Justin, shaking his head. “I’m never going to agree with you on helping her. But I get where you’re coming from, and I can support you on what you need with that. If you think her getting help is what she needs, if that’s what will help you let go, then I will support you.”</p>
<p>Justin seems relieved, a smile quirking at the corner of his lips. “Thank you,” he mumbles. “All I want is for you to be honest.”</p>
<p>“Well, we both know I can do that,” Clay smiles, standing up and hitting Justin’s shoulder. Turning back to Matt and Lainie, he smiles. “Are we done here? I think Justin and I deserve the ice cream in the freezer. Well, Justin does at least.”</p>
<p>Lainie smiles, swallowing the emotion in her voice. “Sure, love. You both can have some ice cream,” she agrees, watching them walk into the kitchen. Turning back to Matt, she lets her head fall. “I know we know Justin’s background, we know what he grew up with, but there’s something about hearing him talk about it that breaks my heart every single time.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Matt nods. “He should’ve never had to go through all of that. He shouldn’t… he deserved help sooner. But we can keep helping him now, even if we don’t necessarily agree.”</p>
<p>Lainie nods, reaching across and taking her husband’s hand. “All we can do is keep supporting him,” she agrees, hoping that’s enough.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>Justin’s fingers hover over his contacts in his phone, heart hammering in his chest.</p>
<p>Long after Clay had returned back to the outhouse after their talk, after Justin had insisted to Lainie that he was fine, that he was going to crash now that he had taken his medication for the night, Justin laid awake staring at the ceiling.</p>
<p>His fingers hovered over his contacts, and then he flicked to his messages.</p>
<p>
  <em>I know it’s late but are you awake? Can I call you?</em>
</p>
<p>He hits send, surprised to find his phone buzzing in his hand a few moments later.</p>
<p>“You should be asleep,” her voice says, a smile floating through it.</p>
<p>Justin tips his head back, smiling. “Hi, Evie.”</p>
<p>“Hi, sweetheart,” she replies warmly. “How are you feeling?”</p>
<p>Justin twists the string of his sweatpants between his fingers. “Better,” he decides, staring at the glow stars Clay left on his ceiling, now dimmed after years of hanging on. “Did Lainie tell you I can sit up by myself now when I’m laying down?”</p>
<p>“She did,” she replies. “I even got sent the video. I’m so proud of you, kiddo. I can’t wait to see you do it in person.”</p>
<p>Justin smiles. “And she told you about my mom?”</p>
<p>Evie sighs on the other line. “She did,” she says quietly. “How are you doing?”</p>
<p>“Fine, I guess,” he shrugs. “I don’t know. I’m sad that she did this, but not that surprised. It’s not that shocking.”</p>
<p>“You don’t have to put on a front about all of this, you know,” she reminds him gently. “This whole situation sucks, and everyone wishes they could fix it for you. But since we can’t, it’s okay to talk about how it makes you feel.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, sighing. The drawstring falls out of his hand as he carefully drapes his arm over his stomach. “Do you think I’m doing the right thing?” he asks after a minute, sighing. “Writing the statement to convince them to give my mom mandatory rehab. Is that what you think I should do? Or what you would do if you were in my situation?”</p>
<p>Evie waits a moment. “It’s not my place to tell you what I think you should do,” she says, which doesn’t answer Justin’s question at all. “Do you feel comfortable with what you’ve chosen to do?”</p>
<p>Justin mulls it over. “I think so, yeah,” he says after a minute. “I just don’t know if it’s the right thing.”</p>
<p>“No one ever really knows if they’re doing the right thing,” she says with a smile. “If you feel comfortable with what you’re doing and this is something you really want to do, then we’re all going to support you.”</p>
<p>“Thank you,” he mumbles. Turning to look at the clock, Justin sighs.</p>
<p>“And besides, if you get there and change your mind, you don’t have to read it,” she reminds him. “There’s no harm in saying no. Amber doesn’t know you’re planning to do this, so it won’t be that you’re necessarily letting her down. She can’t be let down if she doesn’t know it’s coming.”</p>
<p>Justin smiles. “I didn’t think about that,” he admits. “I really do want her to get help.”</p>
<p>“Then I think you know you made the right decision for what you want to do,” she says softly.</p>
<p>Justin smiles, kicking out his legs. “I guess I should get some sleep.”</p>
<p>Evie laughs. “You absolutely should. Feel better?”</p>
<p>“Yes. Thank you, Evie. sorry for calling you so late.”</p>
<p>“You can call whenever you need me, you know that,” she reminds him, hanging up.</p>
<p>Justin plugs his phone in, staring at the star above his bed until his eyes blur and he slowly drifts off to sleep.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>Sitting on the exam table in Dr. Noel’s office as Matt sits in a chair across from him flipping through his phone, Justin leans back and sighs. With Justin’s insistence on Matt and Lainie not going out of their way to attend doctor’s appointments together if they weren’t important, Matt made multiple promises to his wife that he would keep her updated on what they say.</p>
<p>Dr. Noel had ordered one more CT scan, citing that while they were close to being able to clear Justin, he wanted to make sure that his head was fully healed now almost two months out from the accident.</p>
<p>“How much longer will I have to keep coming here?” Justin asks, breaking the silence. “My headaches are back to normal now. I barely get any migraines. Doesn’t that count for something?”</p>
<p>“It does,” Matt smiles, letting his phone fall to his lip. “But buddy, you had pretty bad brain trauma. Dr. Noel is just being extra cautious and making sure that you’re healing well, especially now that you’re getting back into a more normal routine.”</p>
<p>Justin shrugs, shifting. “I don’t see the point anymore.”</p>
<p>Matt smiles, leaning back. “We’re going to ask him about speaking at the trial, and your mom is going to call Dr. Jacob to get the all clear to speak as well. Your appointments were scaled back with him since you’re doing better. We’re going to have big meetings with all of your doctors every other month now, at least until they all feel comfortable not having those any longer. The trial will just occur before our next meeting with them.”</p>
<p>“So if they both say okay, then I can be the one to read the statement in court?” he asks. “And if they say no, then you’ll be the one to read it?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Matt nods, smiling. “But if they both say yes and you still don’t feel up to reading it, I can be the one to read it. We’ll decide that day.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, their conversation interrupted as Dr. Noel comes in, shaking both of their hands. He waits a moment, pulling two scans up on the screen.</p>
<p>“The scan on the left is the first scan that was taken the night you were brought into the hospital,” he begins, moving back. “This scan is the one we just took today.”</p>
<p>Justin studies both, surprised when he’s able to tell the difference. “There’s just a tiny little black mark on the new one.”</p>
<p>Dr. Noel smiles. “The black area is where the bleeding and fluid was located post-accident,” he explains. “I am very pleased with this progress. Your healing has gone incredibly well, just as we all hoped it would after a rough start when you were first out of the coma.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, relief flowing through him. “So I’m almost better?”</p>
<p>Laughing, Dr. Noel leans forward. “I’m very pleased by this. Your memory and cognitive abilities may take a little longer to come back completely, but as your brain slowly heals and your headaches lessen, we should see those return as well.”</p>
<p>Justin glances at Matt, who gives him a nod of encouragement. “My birth mom was… my birth mom was arrested. And she’s going to trial, and I wanted to speak at the trial to see if the court would give her mandatory rehab instead of jail time,” he says carefully, unsure of how many details are appropriate. “The trial is in a little less than three weeks. Would I… can I be the one to read the statement at the trial? Or should Matt be the one to do it?”</p>
<p>“How have your headaches been?” he asks, standing and opening a cabinet. “And how has school been going?”</p>
<p>Justin shifts, watching him. “My headaches are good and bad. Definitely better than they were in the beginning, but I still get migraines sometimes,” he replies. “And school has been going okay. I take breaks when I need it, but I have trouble remembering things and it takes me way longer to do any assignment.”</p>
<p>Standing in front of Justin, Dr. Noel nods. “That was to be expected,” he reminds him, performing a quick exam. “I know it’s not just up to me, but I’m going to approve you speaking at the trial.”</p>
<p>Justin lights up, moving back when Dr. Noel finishes his exam. “I’d write down exactly what you want to say on a piece of paper so you don’t forget, and take your time. If you don’t feel up to speaking that day, ask someone else to do it,” he says. “And please, listen to your body. The last thing I want you to do is push yourself because you want to get to this milestone. You’re doing much better, but you are still susceptible to seizures, although they’re unlikely at this point. The more stress you put yourself under, the worse you’ll feel.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, face serious. “I promise I’ll listen to my body,” he says. “Thank you.”</p>
<p>“You’re welcome,” Dr. Noel smiles. “Keep taking it easy, build into doing more schoolwork a day, and listen to your body. We’ll hold off on scans for a while unless something happens. As always, call if you need me.”</p>
<p>He shakes both of their hands as he leaves, and Matt casts a broad smile in his son’s direction. “I took a photo of both of your scans to show Mom and Clay.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, sliding off the table. “It’s crazy to think that my brain was that bad before,” he smiles, following him down the hall. “I mean, at least it makes sense why it hurt so bad.”</p>
<p>Matt smiles, stepping into the elevator beside Justin. “It definitely makes sense, but it’s encouraging to see how well your brain is healing.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, following Matt back out to the car. “Now we just have to get Dr. Jacob and Dr. Ellman to agree,” he says, smiling when Matt looks back. “And I’ll listen to my body,” he teases, rolling his eyes.</p>
<p>Matt laughs, unlocking the car. “We’re one step closer, yes,” he agrees. “Want to stop and get lunch to celebrate? Then we’ll go home and do some schoolwork?”</p>
<p>Justin agrees, leaning back and closing his eyes.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>“Please, Lainie, can you just call right now?”</p>
<p>When Lainie arrived home early from work to get some briefs done away from her coworkers, she hadn’t envisioned Justin pestering her to call Dr. Jacob and get the okay to speak at the trial. She thought they’d work side by side in the dining room, Matt helping Justin with the last of his schoolwork before Clay returned home from hanging out with Ani and studying together after school. She thought it’d be quiet conversations and Justin resting, not a million questions about next steps.</p>
<p>Holding back a sigh, Lainie looks up at him. “Does your head hurt right now?”</p>
<p>Justin furrows his eyebrows, sitting back. “Not worse than normal.”</p>
<p>“Do you need to take a break from school?”</p>
<p>Justin shakes his head.</p>
<p>“Then finish that sheet you’ve been working on for science, have Matt look it over, and when he’s done, I will call.”</p>
<p>Justin sighs, turning back to look at the worksheet. She braces herself for a pushback, relieved when he agrees. “Fine, I’m almost done,” he relents, focusing on his work.</p>
<p>She shares a smile with Matt, diving back into her latest brief. As she works, she listens to Matt help Justin through the next question, looking over the worksheet and correcting any issues he finds. She watches as Justin is hard on himself, Matt calming him down and helping him set realistic expectations with ease. Her heart swells, emotions overtaking her as she thinks back to just short of two months ago, when she sat vigil at his beside while a ventilator breathed for him.</p>
<p>They had come such a long way, and while even though there were many milestones to achieve, Lainie can’t help but stare in disbelief at how far they had come in the meantime.</p>
<p>“All of them are correct,” Matt announces, smiling when Justin breathes a sigh of relief. “We’ll submit to your teacher at the end of the week with the rest of your assignments.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, putting his things away and turning to Lainie, an expectant smile on his face.</p>
<p>“Yes, I will call right now,” she says before he can say anything, Justin smiling as she stands and grabs her phone.</p>
<p>She finds Justin in the kitchen getting a snack with Matt when she hangs up, Justin almost dropping the knife when she enters.</p>
<p>“Dr. Jacob was cautious with his answer, but he said he’s going to leave it up to you,” she begins, sitting down at the table. “If you feel up to it, he’s okay with you reading the statement yourself. But he did say that if you’re not feeling well that morning, or if Dr. Noel and Dr. Ellman disagree, then you can’t do it. He just wants to make sure you’re doing this when you feel well, and it’s not because you’re pushing yourself because you feel like it’s the right thing.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, joining her at the table. “So that’s a yes?”</p>
<p>Lainie smiles. “It’s a yes,” she confirms. “But we do still have to ask Dr. Ellman.”</p>
<p>Sighing, Justin takes a bite of his snack. “He’s going to be the hardest to convince.”</p>
<p>“Maybe not,” Lainie offers. “If he knows that you’re cleared medically, there’s a chance he’ll be more inclined to agree. He’s just going to be mindful of your mental health, which is important, love.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I know,” he sighs. “I’ll just be ready to talk, but I won’t push it. If it doesn’t work out, then Matt can read it for me instead.”</p>
<p>Lainie nods, smiling when Clay walks in.</p>
<p>“Why does it look like you were having some sort of meeting without me?” he asks, dropping his bag and walking to get his own snack.</p>
<p>“We’re not having a meeting,” Justin says, watching him. “But I saw Dr. Noel today and Lainie called Dr. Jacob, and I’m allowed to read the statement at the trial as long as I feel okay that day.”</p>
<p>Raising his eyebrows, Clay joins him at the table. “That’s huge news,” he smiles. “I guess your doctor appointment went well?”</p>
<p>Justin finishes the rest of his food, smiling. “Matt has a picture of my brain,” he says, watching as Matt pulls the photo up on his phone. “The one on the left is my brain the night of the attack, and the right is today.”</p>
<p>“So you have a whole brain,” Clay teases, laughing when Justin shoves him. “Seriously though, that’s insanely good, Justin. It’s almost completely better.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, staring at the photo. “All I need is Dr. Ellman to agree it’s okay for me to speak, and then I’m allowed to do it.”</p>
<p>“Okay, so just one more hurdle. We’re close,” Clay encourages, smiling when Justin agrees and asks him about school and hanging out with Ani.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>Justin doesn’t think he’s ever spent alone time with Alex.</p>
<p>They were once in the same friend group, hanging out in Bryce’s pool house the year Alex moved to Evergreen. Justin had spent the night at the Standalls on instances it was particularly bad at home, but he would’ve never considered him his best friend.</p>
<p>But he knows that Alex knows better than anyone how hard recovering from major injuries are. He knows the frustration of feeling stuck, of feeling like maybe no other therapy will work. And if Justin wants to keep getting better, he knows he needs to hear Alex out in hopes that maybe he can figure it all out.</p>
<p>Alex leans back on the patio chair in the Jensen’s backyard, reaching into the bag of Cool Ranch Doritos Justin used as a bribe. Charlie had promised to stop by later, wanting to give the two of them time to talk privately, but Justin didn’t even know where to begin.</p>
<p>“Are you still feeling stuck with the recovery shit?” Alex begins the conversation for them, glancing in his direction.</p>
<p>Justin shrugs, taking a sip of his protein shake. “Sometimes, yeah,” he admits. “I mean, I learned how to sit up on my own laying down, but other than that, I haven’t learned anything new. It’s just been frustrating that nothing else is getting better. Like I’m going to be stuck here forever. Kind of okay, but kind of not.”</p>
<p>Alex nods. “I get it,” he says, looking back at the sky. “I kind of freaked out on Zach one day because nothing was getting better.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, sighing.</p>
<p>“My mom took me to the doctor, who told me that maybe this is as good as it’ll get. And I wanted to scream, or freak out, or… I don’t know. I wanted to be so angry about the fact that I would always have to use the cane and I would always limp or whatever. I didn’t want anyone to try to make me feel better.”</p>
<p>Justin shifts. “You don’t use the cane anymore, though,” he says. “So obviously the doctors were wrong about you not getting any better than that moment.”</p>
<p>Laughing, Alex shakes his head. “I got better because Zach wouldn’t take no for an answer. He wouldn’t let me just quit physical therapy because the doctors said that was it. He was fucking relentless, you know how he is.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I do,” Justin smiles. “What did he help you with to get you to ditch the cane?”</p>
<p>“It sounds stupid, but those water therapy exercises really helped,” he shrugs. “Swimming, using the exercise bike in the water. I don’t know… there’s studies and shit on how water therapy really helps.”</p>
<p>Justin shrugs, uncomfortable at the thought. “Yeah, my whole stomach is covered in scars. I don’t… I don’t think I’m ready for anyone other than my family to see those yet.”</p>
<p>“Oh, right,” he nods. “My scars are all under my hair, so I was pretty smart about that.”</p>
<p>Justin laughs, shaking his head. “Shut up.”</p>
<p>Alex smiles. “Just wear a t-shirt in the water until you feel more comfortable. Or go when no one is at the pool. After the first few times, people don’t really look anymore. And trust me, you’re thinking way more about it than anyone else will.”</p>
<p>“Have you seen these scars?” Justin asks, lifting his shirt to reveal the uncovered scars. “No one is going to look at these and not think anything of it.”</p>
<p>Alex stares, leaning back after a minute. “Are you going to spend the rest of your life ashamed of the scars? Hiding them away and letting yourself miss out on everything fun that you used to do?” he asks. “Justin, it fucking sucks to be changed by something that happened, but you would’ve never let this define you before. So why let it happen now?”</p>
<p>Justin shrugs. “Because it’s so much easier to just hide them away for a while, see if they fade, and then face the rest of my life than it would be to just show them now and rip the bandaid off.”</p>
<p>Alex leans back, shrugging. “I get it, I do, but I think maybe you need to think about this,” he says quietly. “You may not feel comfortable in the moment, but are you going to look back and wish you just took the fucking shirt off and didn’t care what other people thought?”</p>
<p>Justin opens his mouth to argue, clamping it shut. The silence falls over them for a moment, awkward and passive, and Justin leans his head back. “I’ll try the water therapy,” he says after a moment, voice quiet. “And I’ll think about just showing the scars. But I’m not firm on the part yet.”</p>
<p>Alex laughs beside him, resisting the urge to gloat and admit that he was right. “Hopefully it helps you as much as it helped me,” he says instead, which feels like more than enough between them.</p>
<p>Justin teases them when Charlie arrives and kisses Alex’s cheek quickly, and before long, his time with Alex has turned into time with Charlie and Clay as well, the four of them sitting out in the backyard hanging out and talking as if the last few months hadn’t happened.</p>
<p>It was exactly what Justin needed.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you for reading/commenting/leaving kudos :)</p>
<p>next week features more family therapy and more family time.</p>
<p>see you next Friday!</p>
<p>title of the chapter is from Drive by Ashton Irwin.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. we'll take it slow and grow as we go</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Clay works on his victim impact statement, the family maps out the next steps moving forward, Justin and Clay attend therapy together, and Justin moves into the outhouse.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Armed with an outline of questions to answer, Matt and Lainie take advantage of Justin sleeping through their Saturday afternoon to work with Clay on his victim impact statement for Seth’s trial.</p>
<p>“It doesn’t have to be long, but it’s important that we at least try to address these questions,” Lainie says, setting the paper in front of Clay as she joins him at the table.</p>
<p>Clay looks over the questions before turning back to Lainie. “So we have to answer all of these?”</p>
<p>Lainie nods. “As many as we can. You’re speaking on behalf of yourself, but you can allude to Justin’s personal experience of the attack if you’d like,” she explains. “Justin will not be speaking because he doesn’t remember the attack and the courts would likely throw it away, so your statement will be the only victim statement. They will be made aware that you are alluding to what happened to Justin. You speak directly to the judge, only speak to the attack itself, and do not blame Seth for anything directly. We all know he did it, the jury doesn’t need to hear the same things rehashed.”</p>
<p>“So I answer these, make it sound like a statement, and then read it at the trial?” Clay asks. “Are we sure this will even help?”</p>
<p>Lainie nods. “Hearing directly from the victims of the attack is beneficial for the jury. It could help them decide whether they convict Seth or not. And for the judge, it could be important in his decision on sentencing.”</p>
<p>Pulling the paper closer to him, Clay reads them properly.</p>
<ol>
<li><em>How did the crime affect you and your family?</em></li>
<li><em>What was the emotional impact of the crime on you and your family?</em></li>
<li><em>What was the financial impact on you and your family?</em></li>
<li><em>Do you have any recommendations to the court about the sentencing of this case?</em></li>
<li><em>Is there anything else you would like to tell the court?</em></li>
</ol>
<p>“I can’t answer the financial impact on us,” Clay says, shaking his head. “And how am I supposed to answer what I think the courts should do for his sentencing? Obviously I want him to go to jail for as long as possible.”</p>
<p>“How about we skip that one for now,” Matt offers, redirecting Clay to another question. “We don’t have to answer every single question, they’re just what are most helpful to the jury. I think they’ll be under the impression we want him put away for as long as possible.”</p>
<p>“Dad’s right,” Lainie agrees. “The sentencing question is probably the least important one, as well as the financial impact. The financial question pertains more to if someone was unable to continue working after their attack or accident, or if they had to pay out of pocket for therapies or treatments. That sort of answer isn’t relevant to Justin’s situation. Let’s just focus on the other questions for now, okay? And then we can make it coherent.”</p>
<p>Nodding, Clay begins mapping out his points in his notebook, Matt and Lainie working on their own work and providing input whenever asked. “I don’t want Justin to feel like I’m leaving anything out,” he mumbles, leaning back and stretching. “Do you think I could reference the fact that Seth was abusive before?”</p>
<p>Lainie looks up from her work. “Don’t make it your focus,” she decides after a moment. “There’s very little concrete evidence that we can pin on Seth.” As he goes to argue, she holds her hand up to stop him. “I know we all know what kind of abuse happened at the hands of Seth, but there’s only a handful of CPS notes that we can confirm happened while Seth would’ve been around, and none link directly back to him. The judge will see them as irrelevant.”</p>
<p>“Then how do I phrase it?”</p>
<p>Lainie glances at Matt, who nods and takes over. “Why don’t you talk about how Justin has recounted his less than ideal life while living under the same roof as Seth,” he says. “Talk about how Justin has never felt safe while living with him, and while they’re not all documented, Justin was not surprised that Seth would go to these lengths.”</p>
<p>Clay nods, hunching over and scribbling down notes, stopping when his phone goes off. “Justin asked me to come upstairs,” he announces, standing up abruptly and walking upstairs.</p>
<p>Matt shares a glance with Lainie, giving her a reassuring smile. “This is why we started early,” he reminds her. “We have plenty of time to figure out logistics and make this coherent. Let’s just get the points written down, and take baby steps.”</p>
<p>Lainie nods, reading over Clay’s notes before shifting back to her own work.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>Every time Justin has asked Clay to come see him through a text, Clay has been met with Justin unable to get up, or needing something from the kitchen or bathroom that he couldn’t get up and get himself.</p>
<p>This time, he’s met with Justin, wide eyed and hands shaking, his breathing shaky and uneven. He rushes over, sitting down on the edge of the bed and hesitating reaching out. “Can I take your hands?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Justin nods frantically, squeezing as best he can back at Clay’s hands. Watching him, Clay slowly guides Justin’s breathing until it’s a little more even.</p>
<p>“What the fuck was that about?” Clay asks, feeling Justin’s grip loosen slightly. “Are you okay?”</p>
<p>“Fine,” Justin nods, leaning back. “I haven’t… I don’t usually have this happen.”</p>
<p>Clay nods. “Okay, so what do you think did it this time?”</p>
<p>Justin’s silent for a moment, pushing his hand through his hair. “I remembered more things from the attack.”</p>
<p>Clay shifts, trying to remain calm. “Do you want to talk about it?”</p>
<p>He’s not expecting an answer. Any other time Justin would retreat, take a breath and insist that he’s fine. But this Justin is not the same Justin that he was before he was attacked. Clay has watched Justin shift and transform more than he ever thought he would over the last few months.</p>
<p>“We were walking home,” he mumbles. “You were talking. I remember looking around like I was looking for something, and then I was jumped from behind.”</p>
<p>Clay nods. “I don’t remember if you were looking around, but the rest of it are all things that happened,” he confirms. “Do you want to ask about anything else? Even things you’ve remembered before?”</p>
<p>“I think maybe Seth was following us before?” he says, shrugging. “Why else would I be looking around? Like I knew it was going to happen?”</p>
<p>“You never talked about him following us before, but he definitely could have been,” he replies. “You’ve always kept stuff like that to yourself.”</p>
<p>“I just want to remember everything. And then I think about what life would be like if I did remember everything, and I think I’d be miserable. Like constant flashbacks all the time.”</p>
<p>“You’re probably better off not remembering everything,” he says. “But I’ll answer whatever you want to know, or I’ll listen to you vent about what you do remember and what you don’t, or whatever you want. I’m up for that.”</p>
<p>Justin nods. “I don’t know how else to explain things. I can tell some things are fake when I dream about them. But then there are times I get confused. Like I thought Matt and Lainie were there and were the ones that pulled you away when the medics got there, but they told me they weren’t there until we were at the hospital.”</p>
<p>“It was Mr. Standall that pulled me away,” Clay corrects. “Mom and Dad weren’t there until we got to the hospital, and then Mom was with you until I was released, like she told you.”</p>
<p>“How did you get to the ER?”</p>
<p>“Mr. Standall. He wanted me to get checked out since I was really out of it and he didn’t know if I was okay,” he says. “They didn’t let me go with you.”</p>
<p>“How long did they keep you in the hospital?”</p>
<p>Clay shrugs. “I don’t know, a few hours maybe?” he says. “I was pretty out of it. I just kept asking about you. I wanted to know if you were okay, or if Dad had heard anything from Mom. I didn’t really care about anything else, and I thought it was stupid that they were making me stay there and lay in bed when I thought I was fine.”</p>
<p>“But you weren’t fine,” Justin says.</p>
<p>“No, definitely not,” Clay smiles. “But I didn’t really care about how I was doing.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, looking to Clay. “You don’t have to hide anything from me,” he says, smiling. “I feel okay hearing it all right now. That whole anxiety thing was just because of how much is coming back. Nothing else.”</p>
<p>Clay hesitates, staring at the floor. “I thought you were dead,” he mumbles, sucking in a breath. “The entire time I was in the ER, I kept asking Dad if you were dead, or thinking that everyone would just think you were dead. I just… it was fucking terrifying watching you be attacked, and I couldn’t figure out how you could’ve survived.”</p>
<p>“I survived because of you,” Justin says quietly, nudging his leg against Clay’s hip. “You’re the one who leaned on me to stop the bleeding, and who pushed Seth off of me.”</p>
<p>Clay doesn’t answer. Justin leans up on his elbows, shifting uncomfortably and blowing out a breath. “I can’t imagine how hard it was to see me like that, Clay. I never meant to put you through any of this, or make your life harder. I don’t want to do that.”</p>
<p>“You haven’t made my life harder,” Clay says quietly. “Having a brother is the best thing to happen to me. I just… It’s hard for me to make your life better when I don’t know what to do.”</p>
<p>“You’ve done more than enough,” Justin smiles. He winces, leaning back. “But I was thinking maybe you and I could go to Dr. Ellman together? My next session?”</p>
<p>Clay turns, nodding immediately. “Yeah, yes,” he says, smiling. “We can talk through it with him, and then we have another family therapy session,” he smirks, rolling his eyes.</p>
<p>“Those actually aren’t as horrible as I thought they would be,” Justin smiles. “It’s kind of nice to just vent to each other and have someone there to pull us out of it when we get too intense.”</p>
<p>Laughing, Clay shakes his head. “Want to come watch TV with me? Or get a snack?”</p>
<p>Justin nods, allowing Clay to help him out of bed as they make their way downstairs.</p>
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<p>Some evenings, Lainie trades in the book she borrowed from the library for online forums and support groups for parents with kids recovering from major injuries. She scours message boards and research to guide her in her next steps, sharing what she finds with Matt as the two of them continue to map out next steps and the best course of action for Justin.</p>
<p>“I think we should explore what going back to school would look like for him,” Matt announces one evening, voice hushed as they sit in the sunroom as Justin and Clay watch a movie in the outhouse. “Maybe it’s too soon, but I think having a plan in place will make him feel better. He’s missing the social interaction of school.”</p>
<p>“I can’t imagine homeschooling with just the two of us is any fun,” Lainie smiles. “But I don’t know how we could even begin to think he’s ready for school with his peers. The loud noises, the time constraints during classes.”</p>
<p>Matt nods, leaning back in his chair. “He’s been doing better, Lain,” he counters. “His headaches have been minimal, and he’s even had days where he didn’t have a headache at all. If we keep trending in that direction, I think it’s safe to say he’ll be okay to be in school with the appropriate accommodations made.”</p>
<p>Lainie pulls her bottom lip between her teeth. “We have a very quiet house, all things considered. Being around kids, the bell ringing, the constant motion. I’m just… I’m wary. I think we need to take it a little slower.”</p>
<p>“So this is a future plan. Something to work towards,” Matt corrects. “I think he’s going to start seeing this as something he’s never going to be able to move past. Like maybe if we don’t have a tentative plan in place, even if it does end up changing, he’s going to spend the rest of his senior year homeschooling.”</p>
<p>Lainie sets her laptop down. “If we were to make the most perfect plan for Justin’s return to school without consulting him, what do you think that would look like?”</p>
<p>Matt bookmarks his place, brightening. “Half days to start. Alternating mornings and afternoons so he’s never missing too many days of one class,” he begins. “I think we let him lead it. If he’s not feeling up to going one day, then in the beginning, we don’t force it. We stick with homeschooling for what he doesn’t do in school, and as he adjusts and gets better, we try to go longer to school.”</p>
<p>“I’m okay with all of this so far,” Lainie nods, blowing out a breath. “When do you think we should start this? I’m not ready for this before Amber’s trial, and we’ll need to get clearance from Dr. Jacob, Dr. Noel, and his physical therapists since he’ll be carrying his backpack.”</p>
<p>Matt nods, mulling the question over. “I agree with not sending him before the trial, not that I think he’d be cleared before then, anyway,” he says. “Maybe we try after Thanksgiving? Use that period between Thanksgiving and Christmas as our trial to see how he does?”</p>
<p>Lainie nods. “Justin gets the final say in all of this. He’s the leader of his recovery, and his transition into school isn’t going to be different,” she says. “But we also need to look for signs that he’s pushing himself too hard. He’ll be excited to be back with his friends more often, and he’ll likely want to push to go every day, even if he’s not feeling well.”</p>
<p>“I agree,” Matt smiles. “Let’s talk to Justin about this timeline, and then we’ll discuss with his doctors at length if they believe it’s feasible. One step at a time with this, just like always.”</p>
<p>Lainie nods, reaching for her laptop. The silence falls over the two of them, quiet and comfortable, and Lainie revels in it for a moment. “I think we should think about Justin sleeping in the outhouse.”</p>
<p>Matt stills, looking up at her. “Lainie, what?” he asks, setting his book down. “When we moved Clay in there, you said you were nowhere near ready for Justin to be out there, too. What has changed in the last few weeks?”</p>
<p>Shrugging, Lainie smiles. “He’s been doing so well in physical therapy, he’s been largely independent for almost two weeks, and I do agree that he’s missing the social interaction he gets by being with his friends. Even if it’s just Clay for now, it could be so good for his mental health. Even if we do have to go help him some mornings, or this isn’t a totally seamless transition and he still spends nights in the house.”</p>
<p>Matt runs his fingers through his hair, feeling far more apprehensive than he thought he would. “I think we see how tonight goes, and if it goes well, we discuss it with him tomorrow at breakfast. Remind him that there’s no shame in waiting or not being able to go full in with sleeping out there.”</p>
<p>“Agreed,” Lainie smiles. “Let’s at least work on this, and then figure out schooling later. At least give him one great thing before moving on to something else.”</p>
<p>Laughing, Matt feels his shoulders relax and the content spread through him, finally feeling like they were inching back to a more normal life as a family.</p>
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<p>Weekend breakfasts are often slow going and require a lot of bribing from Matt and Lainie for either boy to get out of bed. Justin is enticed to the table by needing food in him before he takes his medication, and Clay often drags himself inside from the outhouse, glaring at his brother as he slams his phone down and begs him to stop texting him repeatedly to come inside.</p>
<p>“I thought we could talk about some next steps for you guys,” Lainie says, helping Matt place breakfast at the center of the table. She walks back, unlocking the medicine with ease, and sets Justin’s pills in front of him. “Your dad and I have been talking about Justin moving into the outhouse soon.”</p>
<p>Justin perks up, pausing as he cuts his pancakes. “Wait, really?”</p>
<p>“Yes, really,” Lainie smiles, sitting down in her seat. “You’ve been doing well in physical therapy, you’ve weaned off the meds that you take in the middle of the night, you’re largely independent, and you deserve to take the next step if you feel ready.”</p>
<p>Clay looks between his parents and Justin. “So we’re going to move the bed out of Dad’s office and into the outhouse then?”</p>
<p>Matt joins them at the table, reaching for the plate of pancakes. “That will depend. Justin, how do you feel about moving the bed out to the outhouse and sleeping out there?”</p>
<p>“I want to do it,” he says, taking a bite. He chews slowly, shrugging. “Do you really think I’m ready?”</p>
<p>“We do,” Lainie nods. “But it doesn’t matter what we feel. If you’re not ready, then we don’t do this right now.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, reaching for his juice. “I know I said I wanted this and I started working really hard towards it, but now that it’s here, I’m not sure I am ready for it.”</p>
<p>Matt glances at Lainie before shifting his attention to Justin. “Let’s take this slow then,” he proposes, smiling when Justin almost looks relieved. “You don’t have to move out there right now, or all the time if you’re not ready. You could sleep out there a few nights a week, or whenever you’re feeling up to it. Moving out there doesn’t have to be permanent for either of you.”</p>
<p>Justin eats slowly, pushing his food around the plate more than he puts it in his mouth. “Can we do it in a few days?” he finally asks, staring at his plate. “We can move the bed out there now, and then in a few days I can try sleeping out there?”</p>
<p>“Of course, love,” Lainie assures him, smiling. “Whenever you’re ready, okay? We can take this as slow as we need to, but we want you to know that we feel we’re ready for this step.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, forcing himself to take another bite. As Clay shifts the conversation in an effort to take the focus off of Justin for his own sake, Lainie watches from the corner of her eye as Justin takes his pills and sets his fork on his plate.</p>
<p>“I think… I think maybe I need to go lay down,” he announces, scraping the last of his food into the trash and placing his plate in the sink, walking out to the living room.</p>
<p>Clay watches him, taking another bite of his pancakes. “He’s shutting everyone out again,” he says simply, shrugging. “He left because he doesn’t want to talk or think about moving into the outhouse.”</p>
<p>“Do you know why that would be?” Matt asks, glancing into the living room to see Justin laying on the sofa. “We’re going to need your help with this, kiddo. You’re the one who understands him and what he needs the best. Do you know why he’d be shutting us out?”</p>
<p>Clay shrugs. “It’s a big change, Justin doesn’t want to disappoint anyone if he doesn’t think he’s going to be able to do this, and it’s easier for him to say he’ll do it in a few days and ignore the rest of the conversation,” he rattles off, finishing the rest of his plate. “I’ll go talk to him,” he says before Matt or Lainie can request it, placing his plate in the sink and walking into the living room without another word.</p>
<p>Justin doesn’t acknowledge him when he walks in. Clay sits down in a sliver of the couch, nudging Justin’s legs. “Talk,” he prompts, leaning back and waiting for Justin to talk. “It’s just me and you in here, Mom and Dad definitely can’t hear us.”</p>
<p>It takes a minute, Justin pulling the blanket off the back of the sofa and pulling it over him, staring at the ceiling. “What if I’m not ready to move out there?” he asks quietly, shaking his head. “What if I get out there and something happens, or I can’t get out of bed or back in the house?”</p>
<p>Clay furrows his eyebrows. “Is that what you’re worried about?” he asks, apologizing quietly when he realizes he invalidated Justin’s feelings. “I’m out there, and if I’m at school or whatever, Mom or Dad will be in the house and come help. You’re not alone, you know that right?”</p>
<p>“Yeah. Yeah, I know,” Justin nods. “I just… I’m freaking out about it, I guess. I don’t know how we got here already and I know it felt like everything was stalling, but now I think maybe everything is moving too fast.”</p>
<p>“I get that,” Clay nods. “What do you need to help it slow down?”</p>
<p>Justin shrugs. “I don’t know,” he whispers, voice strained. “I want to try sleeping out there in a few nights, but I won’t do it every night, at least not to start.”</p>
<p>“That works,” Clay says. “Want to hang out there for a little while today? You can sleep in my bed and I’ll hang out on the couch or whatever. That way you can get used to being out there.”</p>
<p>Contemplating the offer, Justin smiles. “Yeah, okay. Let’s try that,” he agrees, sitting up a little. “And if I can’t do it, then we come back in and hang out here.”</p>
<p>“Deal,” Clay smiles, standing up and letting Justin get up.</p>
<p>Matt and Lainie watch as both boys announce they’re spending the day in the outhouse, Lainie watching from the window as they make their way outside. Lainie resists the urge most of the day to check on the boys, only sends Clay a handful of texts to which he replies that they’re fine and Justin is happy being out in the outhouse, and then is relieved when they return to the house for lunch, both of them smiling.</p>
<p>“I think I can sleep out there in a few days,” Justin says as he heats up soup for lunch, waiting for Lainie to grab his medication. “I’ll be okay.”</p>
<p>“I know you will,” she smiles. “But we’ll take it slow. If you’re not ready, we’ll try again later. Baby steps, my love. As slow as you need,” she reminds him, kissing his cheek and joining the rest of the family at the table.</p>
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<p>Clay and Justin sit on opposite ends of the sofa from each other. Clay folds his hands in his lap, glancing at Dr. Ellman and the framed photos he’s memorized years ago. Justin picks at a string on his sweatpants, using the decorative pillow as a buffer against the side of the sofa.</p>
<p>“The two of you asked if you could do a therapy session together, so I need you both to lead this,” Dr. Ellman says, a smile on his face.</p>
<p>Clay glances at Justin, realizing he’s not going to speak up. “Justin’s starting to remember a lot more from the accident, and we’re stuck on how we deal with it since I technically asked to take a step back in helping him.”</p>
<p>“I don’t want to freak him out or bring up horrible memories or whatever. Obviously he’s dealing with his own recovery, and if me talking about what I remember and asking him to tell me what’s real makes it worse for him, I won’t say anything,” Justin replies.</p>
<p>“But I’m the only person who was there with you,” Clay retorts. “From the minute you were attacked up until they took you to the hospital, I am the only person who was with you the whole time. Who else is going to answer the questions you have if I don’t?”</p>
<p>“Clay, I’m sure there are witness accounts that could answer any questions you don’t feel comfortable answering,” Dr. Ellman steps in. “Justin isn’t asking you to jeopardize your own recovery if you’re not comfortable.”</p>
<p>“He shouldn’t have to ask strangers for answers to his questions just because I said I didn’t know if I could answer them,” he replies. “I’m his brother, I should answer the questions.”</p>
<p>“What if we ask one question right now? If it feels fine, we can work out what you would need to feel comfortable asking questions.”</p>
<p>Justin looks to Clay, who stares at his lap. “Yeah, okay,” he agrees. “We can do that.”</p>
<p>Dr. Ellman nods, looking at Justin. “What is one thing you want to ask Clay right now about the attack?”</p>
<p>Justin takes a deep breath. “I keep remembering that I was talking to you while we were waiting for help,” he says quietly. “What was I saying? Did I know what happened?”</p>
<p>Turning his head to look at him, Clay looks sad and shrugs. “I don’t think you knew what happened,” he replies quietly. “You just kept asking me to keep talking. You were in a lot of pain, but I don’t think it really registered what happened.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, sighing. “So I wasn’t really saying anything then,” he mumbles to himself. “I thought I was saying more. Like that I knew it was Seth and I was sorry and I asked you to stay.”</p>
<p>From the corner of his eye, he can see Clay shift and frown. “No, you weren’t saying anything. I don’t think you ever knew it was Seth, though. You asked us who it was when you woke up and we told you what happened.”</p>
<p>Sinking further into the sofa, Justin crosses his arms over his chest. “I really thought me knowing right from the beginning was true. And now I think maybe I don’t remember anything from before I woke up.” He stops, turning to Clay. “Can I ask you one more question?”</p>
<p>“Sure,” Clay nods, turning his body to look at his brother.</p>
<p>“Were you with me at all in the ambulance? Or in the emergency room?”</p>
<p>Clay smiles sadly. “No, I wasn’t. I wasn’t allowed to see you until way later that night,” he says. “We talked about this, remember? I told you that Mr. Standall pulled me back when the medics got there, and I didn’t see you again until I was discharged from the emergency room.”</p>
<p>Justin squeezes his eyes shut. “Right, sorry,” he says quietly. “I just keep remembering someone being there, and I guess I just assumed it was you.”</p>
<p>“I think Mrs. Standall was in the emergency room with you,” Clay says. “We could ask her if she was with you, maybe that’s who you're thinking of.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, thanking Clay quietly.</p>
<p>“If Justin has questions and you want to be the one to answer them, what do you need before he asks?” Dr. Ellman asks, looking at Clay. “It’s important that you’re direct with what you need so that your recovery from this isn’t put in jeopardy to assist your brother.”</p>
<p>Taking a moment, Clay nods and thinks about the question. Justin watches as he pulls at his jeans, straightening out his shirt and crossing his arms over his chest. “I need you to ask me if I feel up to answering questions when you have them,” he says. “And if I’m not, I need you to write your questions down so you don’t forget them, and we can talk about them when I feel more ready.”</p>
<p>Relaxing, Justin smiles. “Yeah, okay. That’s fair,” he smiles. “Can I ask about something else now? Or do you have something else about this?”</p>
<p>A smile flashes across Clay’s face. “You want to ask about the trial?” he asks, laughing. “Yeah, that’s fine. We can talk about other things after.”</p>
<p>Nodding, Justin turns to look at Dr. Ellman. “My mom is being charged, and her trial is in a few weeks. Do you think I could speak at the trial? I want to ask for her to be sent to mandatory rehab instead of getting jail time.” Pausing, he gathers his thoughts. “I already decided that if you say no or if you say yes and I don’t think I can do it that day, Matt will read it for me instead.”</p>
<p>Dr. Ellman writes in his notebook. “You sound like you’ve thought a lot about this,” he comments, giving him a kind smile. “Do you know what you’re going to talk about?”</p>
<p>“I want to talk about what she’s been dealt with growing up. How Seth also hurt her, and how she probably felt like her safety was in danger,” he explains. “I plan on cutting her off after this, I just… I want to do this one last thing for her.”</p>
<p>Nodding, Dr. Ellman sets his pen down. “While I’m not entirely sure this is the correct timing, I can understand your desire to want to help your mother and speak in any way possible.”</p>
<p>From the corner of his eye, Clay watches Justin deflate. “So you’re saying I can’t speak then?” Justin asks, pressing his palms to the couch cushions. “You would rather I let Matt do it?”</p>
<p>“I didn’t say that I don’t think you should speak,” Dr. Ellman clarifies. “Justin, what you’ve been through is far deeper than just healing from this attack. Your mother had a direct correlation to where you are today, even without the attack factored in. Seeing her could bring up feelings you didn’t know you had, and I don’t want to jeopardize your recovery or have us take a step back.”</p>
<p>“Matt and Lainie will be there,” Justin says quickly. “And Clay will be, too.”</p>
<p>“And I’m glad,” Dr. Ellman nods. “But Justin, we don’t know how you’ll react to seeing her. It would be wrong of me to be totally on board with you speaking at the trial if I’m not totally confident that this is beneficial for you.”</p>
<p>Dr. Ellman waits a brief moment, and carefully, Clay reaches his hand out until his finger almost touches Justin’s. “If this is something you want to do, and you think you feel up to it that day, I’m trusting you to use your judgment on speaking,” he says. “I advise you to keep it short, and really listen to your mind that day. If you don’t think you can make it through, have Matt read. Don’t try to be brave or stoic. The sentiment is the same no matter who reads it. I would also advise to only attend the portion of the trial that includes your statement. Don’t stay to hear or see anything else.”</p>
<p>Justin folds his hands in his lap, nodding. “I will, thank you,” he says quietly, feeling the weight lifted off of his chest after getting the okay from everyone.</p>
<p>He listens to Clay shift the conversation, answering when needed, and when the two finish and make their way back out to the car, Justin feels happier than he remembers feeling in a long time.</p>
<p>“A lot of good things have happened lately,” Clay says, looking over at Justin as he drives back home. “I hope you know how proud we all are.”</p>
<p>Justin smiles, staring out the window. “I do, yeah,” he nods. “Thank you for helping me with it all.”</p>
<p>Clay smiles, changing the song on the radio. “I’m always here when you need it. Even when you’re back hanging out with friends and doing your own thing.”</p>
<p>Pressing his head against the cool glass, Justin smiles. “I’ll always be here for you, too,” he promises, reaching to turn up the radio as a song comes on and laughing when Clay turns it down as he rolls his eyes.</p>
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<p>On days Lainie doesn’t accompany Justin to therapy, she finds herself sitting in the sunroom waiting until she sees them pull back up, a sigh of relief leaving her body.</p>
<p>Today there’s increased anxiety, a worry that the session will have gone unfavorably for Justin, and together they'll have to navigate helping him understand why Dr. Ellman didn’t agree to him reading out his statement in court, and what that means now.</p>
<p>But Justin arrives back home with a blank face, and Clay’s expression does nothing to ease her mind that the session went in his favor.</p>
<p>“Hi boys,” she smiles, standing from the sofa and meeting them in the living room. “How was your session with Dr. Ellman? Was everything okay?”</p>
<p>Justin, who has been told repeatedly that his sessions are private unless there’s something they need to be alerted about, shrugs and gives her a small smile. “He’s not as on board with me talking at the trial as Dr. Noel and Dr. Jacob are,” he offers, toeing off his shoes and tossing them back by the front door.</p>
<p>“He didn’t say you couldn’t do it, though,” Clay clarifies, pulling off his own shoes and tossing his and Justin’s into the bin. “He gave you his list of what you need to do that day to be able to talk at the trial.”</p>
<p>Hesitantly following her boys to the kitchen, she’s grateful to see Matt walk in.</p>
<p>“Yeah, but there’s so many demands and it was pretty obvious he didn’t want me to talk,” Justin says, turning to Matt and Lainie. “He’s worried that me seeing my mom again could bring up feelings I didn’t know I had, and it could jeopardize my recovery.”</p>
<p>“Well, that’s certainly something to keep in mind,” Matt says. “But it doesn’t sound like he said you couldn’t speak.”</p>
<p>Justin pulls a pack of fruit snacks from the cabinet, shaking his head. “He said it’d be up to me, and gave me a whole list of guidelines that Clay has. He wrote them down so I won’t forget.”</p>
<p>Clay produces the list from his pocket, handing it to his parents. “Maybe you just shouldn’t help her then,” Clay says, pouring juice for both of them. “I mean, Dr. Ellman is right, it could be a lot for you.”</p>
<p>Justin shakes his head, staring at the table. “I don’t want to get this far and not see it through. This is the first complete thing I’ve done since the accident,” he reminds him. Blowing out a breath, Lainie watches her youngest son close himself off. “You don’t want me to do this because you don’t want me to help her at all.”</p>
<p>“Well, you know I don’t agree with you helping her,” Clay says, setting Justin’s cup in front of him.</p>
<p>“You don’t get to just take Dr. Ellman’s suggestion and spin it so it favors you!” Justin says, growing more upset. “It’s not fair that you think I should just listen to what you have to say just because Dr. Ellman doesn’t totally agree with what I want.”</p>
<p>“How did I do that?”</p>
<p>“You just told me I shouldn’t help her at all then!”</p>
<p>“Boys,” Matt interjects, handing the paper to Lainie as he squashes their conversation before they fight any further. “Clay, Justin is right, you shouldn’t spin Dr. Ellman’s words to say that he shouldn’t read his statement.”</p>
<p>“I just think he should think it over.”</p>
<p>“Justin has, at length. This isn’t your decision to make, Clay,” Matt says. “Justin, in the event that you don’t feel you can do it, or you’re worried that maybe you won’t be able to meet what Dr. Ellman has suggested, I will read the statement for you. There is no shame in asking for help, and you not speaking doesn’t mean this was a failure.”</p>
<p>Justin crumples his trash in his hand, sighing. “Yeah, okay,” he nods. Looking up, he focuses his attention to Clay. “Can we just agree that we’re never going to see eye to eye on this? And drop it?”</p>
<p>“Yes, definitely,” Clay says. “Want to go watch a movie?”</p>
<p>“My head hurts. Let’s just go lay down or something,” he says, standing up and following Clay into the living room.</p>
<p>Lainie exhales, shaking her head as she looks to her husband. “I don’t know how you do this so easily.”</p>
<p>“I’m on Clay’s side here, honestly,” Matt smiles, pressing a kiss to her temple. “But Justin is old enough to make his own decisions. All we can do is support him and guide the two of them to figure it out without hurting each other’s feelings.</p>
<p>Lainie laughs, wrapping her arms around his middle. “Yeah, that’s a lot easier said than done.”</p>
<p>
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  </span>
</p>
<p>The last time Clay watched Justin’s physical therapy other than what he did at home, Justin was hospitalized. Exercises were slow and met with a lot of pushback, Justin resisting working on anything as he learned to deal with the pain.</p>
<p>Sitting in the physical therapy session on his inservice day from school, giving Lainie a morning off so she can work towards a big deadline at work, Clay is impressed at how far they’ve come.</p>
<p>He watches Justin lift light weights, being instructed on how to reintroduce using his core. He holds his breath as Justin struggles, watches as the physical therapists encourage him, supporting him where he wasn’t quite ready to do something on his own. When Noelle says they can take a break Clay waits off to the side, only walking towards Justin when he rolls his eyes and waves him over with a smile.</p>
<p>“I can’t believe how far you’ve come,” Clay comments, handing Justin his water bottle. “The last time I watched you do physical therapy that wasn’t at home you were learning how to walk and stand when you got out of bed.”</p>
<p>Justin takes a sip of his water, shrugging. “I mean, I can do a lot more than that now, but that was only five pound weights. That used to be nothing before all this happened.”</p>
<p>“It was nothing when you weren’t recovering from stab wounds and doctors pulling your core muscles apart to stop internal bleeding,” Clay reminds him, watching Justin cringe at his phrasing. “You need to be more proud of yourself. Five pound weights are a big deal.”</p>
<p>Leaning back on his hands, Justin shrugs. “I just have to keep my expectations in check. I feel like I should be so much further than I am, and I know that’s not really true.”</p>
<p>“We can keep working at home if you want. Just keep working with five pound weights, and then maybe you can move to heavier weights a little bit sooner,” Clay offers.</p>
<p>Justin nods, but before he can answer Noelle joins them again, handing Justin a towel to wipe his face. “My friend had a brain injury and did water therapy to help his physical therapy,” he says, looking at Clay for a brief moment. “Do you think that would help me?”</p>
<p>Noelle smiles. “I do,” she says. “We could give you a few suggestions of therapists who specialize in aquatic therapy, or you could just go to the pool with Clay. Even just being in the water and working your muscles without the added pressure would be good for you. It doesn’t have to be anything formal.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, thanking her as he finishes the last of his exercises, sliding off the table and taking his water bottle from Clay once more. Clay walks beside him, pausing to let Justin sign out before they make their way to the elevators.</p>
<p>“Why have you not mentioned water therapy literally at all? Alex came over like a week ago.”</p>
<p>Justin leans against the wall of the elevator, taking a sip from his water bottle as he shrugs. “I don’t know. I’m not even sure I want to do it,” he says. “I was kind of hoping she was going to say it wouldn’t help me that much.”</p>
<p>“Why wouldn’t you want to do it?”</p>
<p>“Because I have a million scars on my stomach that I don’t want strangers looking at when we’re at the pool?” Justin replies, stepping out of the elevator and following Clay towards the car. “I barely let you guys see the scars. Strangers are a whole other battle.”</p>
<p>Clay unlocks the car, hovering on the passenger side to make sure Justin doesn’t need any help. “I still don’t think you should write it off,” he says, climbing into the driver’s seat. “We could go later at night when less people are there, or before school or whatever.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, maybe,” Justin shrugs, scrolling through his phone as Clay maneuvers out of the parking garage.</p>
<p>“I just don’t think you should write off water therapy because you don’t want people to see your scars,” Clay says. “We can make it work without a million people being there that would have to see them.”</p>
<p>Locking his phone, Justin lets it fall to his lap and looks at his brother. “You’re not going to stop until I say yes, are you?”</p>
<p>“No, probably not,” Clay admits with a smile.</p>
<p>“Fine, we can try once,” Justin smiles. “But you can’t argue if I decide I want to keep a shirt on in the water, and if I don’t feel comfortable when we get there, you can’t argue that I just need to push through that.”</p>
<p>Clay smiles. “Deal. As long as you make the attempt to go, I’ll be chill once we get there.”</p>
<p>“I’m not sure I believe you, but I’m holding you to it,” Justin laughs, leaning his head back and closing his eyes.</p>
<p>
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  </span>
</p>
<p>“I want to spend some time today talking about when Justin joined your family,” Dr. Sales began the session, skimming through her notebook to an open page. “I know this was over a year ago at this point, but I think it’s beneficial to discuss now so we can continue moving forward and assisting the entire family in working through this attack.”</p>
<p>Clay waits a beat, and then, when he’s sure no one else will step up and speak, leans forward. “Our friend killed herself two years ago,” he begins, glancing at Justin. “Her suicide was taken to trial because the school didn’t step in when she had asked for help, and Justin was called to testify to make sure that everyone was held responsible. But he ran away, and I knew that if he was going to help, someone had to bring him back here.”</p>
<p>“I was in Oakland,” Justin supplies, folding his hands together in his lap. “Homeless, if you were wondering. My mom had an abusive boyfriend, and they were both addicts. After everything that had happened both with Hannah and Jess, my girlfriend at the time, and my mom, I thought I would be better off if I was just away from everyone.”</p>
<p>Dr. Sales nods, writing in her notebook. “So Clay brought you back from Oakland to Evergreen,” she gathers. “Is there any reason why you didn’t return to your mother’s home?”</p>
<p>“I thought if I came back her boyfriend would kill me,” he says, staring at his lap. “I took money from her boyfriend before I left town. Not much, but enough to get me through the first few weeks. He definitely knew, and I figured if he ever saw me again he’d just kill me or hurt me or something.”</p>
<p>Justin is used to the pitying looks when people find out about his home life. He’s used to the quiet judgments of his mother’s addiction and the care she didn’t have for him. But Dr. Sales doesn’t flinch. She keeps her face neutral, writing in her notebook with ease, and then turns to Matt and Lainie, a kind smile on her face.</p>
<p>“How did you feel about welcoming Justin into your home?”</p>
<p>“After the initial shock of our son bringing him home, Matt and I felt more than anything that we needed to provide him a stable and loving home,” Lainie says. “He was so polite, so well-mannered, and we knew that he needed structure and a routine and a safe place he could come to.”</p>
<p>Justin shifts uncomfortably. “I never meant to stay more than a few weeks. After the trial and testifying, I figured I would go back to my mom and hope that she left her boyfriend or things wouldn’t be as bad as I thought they would be.”</p>
<p>“What made you stay?”</p>
<p>Justin opens his mouth, closing it abruptly and looking to Lainie for help.</p>
<p>“Justin was sent to juvenile detention after the trial for a separate ordeal,” she offers, glancing at Justin to make sure he’s okay before she continues. “I’m a lawyer, and as I worked to help get him released, we were having trouble locating his mother. He had already been in there too long, so Matt and I signed off for emergency custody of Justin to have him released into our care. He was under no obligation to stay with us if he didn’t want to, but we made it clear that he always had a home with us and offered to adopt him if it was something he would like.”</p>
<p>“I did go back to my mom for a few days, before I was sent to juvie,” Justin says quietly. “But my mom was so high and still living with the same guy, and I came back when Clay said he needed me.”</p>
<p>Dr. Sales nods. “So you were on board when they offered to adopt you?”</p>
<p>Justin smiles. “I mean, I thought they were crazy at first,” he admits, laughing. “They barely knew me, but they wanted to make me a permanent part of their family. I didn’t get it, but I was also really appreciative considering my own mom didn’t even care about me.”</p>
<p>“Who first brought up adopting Justin?’ Dr. Sales asks, pivoting the conversation.</p>
<p>Lainie smiles. “I did.”</p>
<p>“Matt, what did you think at first?”</p>
<p>Matt hesitates. “At first I wondered if it was the right thing,” he admits quietly. “Justin obviously had a mother that he cared for deeply, and I worried that if we offered to adopt him he would feel like we were trying to pull him away from her or get him away from the only life he’s ever known.”</p>
<p>“And Clay?”</p>
<p>“I thought they were crazy at first,” he admits. “Justin and I weren’t friends before I brought him back from Oakland, and I had spent 16 years as an only child. But the more I thought about it, the more I made sense. Justin needed a caring family, he obviously wasn’t getting that before.”</p>
<p>“Obviously, I agreed,” Matt smiles. “Lainie and I had always wanted to expand our family, but for a variety of reasons, we didn’t or couldn’t. It felt far later than we ever anticipated, but the minute I got to know Justin, I thought he was always meant to be our son. We were always meant to have two boys.”</p>
<p>Lainie nods in agreement, pulling the pack of tissues from her purse.</p>
<p>Dr. Sales smiles. “Do any of you have any regrets about the adoption, or how you went about it?”</p>
<p>“I regret that I brought all this drama into their lives,” Justin says without hesitation. “I was a drug addict, I made huge mistakes in my life, and then the attack happened. I just feel like their lives have been so disrupted by adopting me.”</p>
<p>Lainie turns to him, smiling sadly. “Justin, love, you are one of the best things to ever happen to us,” she says softly. “You do know we don’t blame you for anything that has happened, right?”</p>
<p>“I know,” Justin nods. “But I can’t help but feel like maybe things would've been better if you just didn’t adopt me.”</p>
<p>Clay shakes his head. “Adopting you has been the best,” he says. “I finally have a brother, and even though things aren’t perfect, it’s not like we would change them.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, sinking back in the chair.</p>
<p>“I regret not making Justin feel more welcome sooner,” Matt says. “I know I’ve said before that we were all shocked by the thought of adoption, at least initially, but adopting him only made me love him more than I ever thought I could.”</p>
<p>“Our lives have only gotten better with you in it. We don’t regret any second of this entire process, buddy, we just regret that we haven’t been able to make this any easier on you,” Matt says, looking at Justin with sincerity behind his eyes.</p>
<p>Justin swallows roughly, nodding. “You don’t have to make things any easier,” he mumbles, his voice wobbling. “I’m just grateful that I have a safe place to live, and I know that I can come to you guys and not worry about getting hurt.”</p>
<p>Lainie extends the tissues towards Justin, who takes one and rubs his eyes furiously, sinking back into the chair.</p>
<p>“Justin, I’m gathering that you feel supported and safe being with them?” Dr. Sales says, giving him a moment to compose himself. “You trust them with your recovery?”</p>
<p>Justin nods, crumbling the tissue up in the palm of his hand. “I wouldn’t trust anyone more than I trust them with helping me,” he says. “I feel safe with them, and they’re all so supportive, but it’s still hard for me to be open about how I’m feeling because I don’t want it to be something else that I need attention for or take away time from Clay.”</p>
<p>He refuses to make eye contact with the rest of the family, staring at his sweatpants until they blur beneath his gaze.</p>
<p>“I’m going to give you a little homework assignment,” Dr. Sales begins, waiting until Justin looks up at her before continuing. “I want you to work on expressing how you’re feeling with everyone in the family. It doesn’t necessarily have to be about your recovery. It can be about how you’re feeling doing schoolwork, or something that happens when you’re hanging out with others.”</p>
<p>Justin swallows. “Every day?”</p>
<p>“Let’s try once for each person in the family, and then if you feel comfortable, I want you to keep trying to share as often as you can,” she smiles. “Do you think you can do that?”</p>
<p>“Yes, sure,” Justin nods.</p>
<p>She waits a beat, turning to the rest of the family. “Your goal is to just let Justin talk about his feelings. Don’t try to redirect how he’s feeling if he’s upset or angry. Help him through the feelings, obviously, but don’t remind him about how far he’s come and how great things are that he’s able to do these things.”</p>
<p>Met with an agreement from Matt, Lainie and Clay, the family finishes the rest of the session and walk out feeling marginally better about where they stand as a family than they did before.</p>
<p>“Family therapy was a correct idea that we should’ve made much sooner,” Matt mumbles as the boys walk ahead of them, interlacing his fingers with hers.</p>
<p>Lainie smiles, leaning her head against his shoulder. “We’re doing it now, and that’s all that matters.”</p>
<p>
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  </span>
</p>
<p>Lainie stands at the kitchen sink distractedly cleaning the last of the dishes from the day, staring out at the outhouse.</p>
<p>With Justin taking the lead, the decision was made for him to spend his first night in the outhouse. Matt and Clay spent the afternoon when Clay got home from school moving Justin’s bed from Matt’s office, and while Lainie was still nervous, she felt more at peace with this decision than she thought she was going to.</p>
<p>Matt loads the dishwasher beside her, smiling. “Everything is okay. Clay promised he would text if anything went wrong, but you did say you would go check on them before we went to bed.”</p>
<p>Lainie looks to him, reaching for the soap to wash her hands. “So you don’t think I’m crazy for really going out there to check on him?”</p>
<p>Reaching for a dish towel to dry his hands off, Matt shakes his head. “I think you’re reacting perfectly normal considering our son is sleeping out in his new room for the first time since he was released from the hospital,” he says. “Go check on them, make sure they’re okay and give Justin his medication, and then we’ll go up.”</p>
<p>Lainie nods, taking the towel and drying her hands off. She slips on her shoes, making the short walk to the outhouse and knocking before she walks in.</p>
<p>Justin is laying in bed half asleep, propped up by pillows with his arm draped over him. Clay lays in bed reading through material for school, looking up when she walks in. “Dad and I were just about to go to bed, so I wanted to come make sure you were okay.”</p>
<p>“‘m fine,” Justin replies lazily, parting his eyes just enough to look at her. “Clay knows to come get you if I need you.”</p>
<p>Nodding, Lainie crosses the room and hands Justin his medication. “You can still have pain medication in the middle of the night if you need it, but I know you haven’t,” she says, sitting on the edge of his bed. “Do you guys need anything else before I go up to bed?”</p>
<p>“I’m okay,” Clay replies quietly from his bed.</p>
<p>Justin takes his last pill, setting the water back on the table. “I’m okay,” he promises, sinking back against the pillows. “I’ll see you in the morning.”</p>
<p>“I love you,” Lainie smiles, pressing a kiss to his head. Standing, she walks and presses a kiss to the top of Clay’s head as well, taking one last look at both boys before leaving the outhouse and making her way back inside.</p>
<p>For the first few hours, she tosses and turns in bed, her mind restless with worry that something was wrong. Checking her phone obsessively until she’s only slightly convinced Clay isn’t going to text her, she finds comfort and manages to get a few decent hours of sleep.</p>
<p>She’s only completely relaxed when Justin enters the house the next morning long after Clay’s gone to school, a bright smile on his face after proving that he could do it.</p>
<p>She can’t help but feel the pride wash over her long after they’ve moved on from breakfast and begin working on school, the tightness in her chest slowly lifting as she realizes how things are beginning to feel more normal than they have in a long time.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you guys for reading! :) </p>
<p>next week will be Amber's trial and more friend group time.</p>
<p>see you next Friday!</p>
<p>title of the chapter is from Grow As We Go by Ben Platt</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. now I'm back with my own story to tell</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Amber's trial, the family processes what comes after, Justin tries water therapy.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lainie wakes up at 5 in the morning with a dreaded feeling in the pit of her stomach, the anxiety of Amber’s trial weighing heavy as the day finally arrives.</p><p>Justin spent the day before the trial finalizing his statement, reading through it out loud with Matt as they made sure it made sense and Justin got out everything he wanted to say. Lainie spent the evening walking him through the trial, advising when they would go in and out of the courthouse, and how they may hear sentencing at the end of the day.</p><p>Everyone said they knew what to expect. Everyone said they were ready, that they just wanted to get it over with.</p><p>Lainie isn’t sure she believed any of them.</p><p>Justin is on edge all morning, pushing his food around his plate at breakfast and reading over his impact statement instead of listening to their conversation. Matt rests his hand on his shoulder, retracting and apologizing when Justin flinches and curls in on himself. “I’m sorry, I just wasn’t paying attention and didn’t expect it,” he says quickly.</p><p>“I shouldn’t have put my hand on you, kiddo,” Matt replies warmly. “How are you feeling? Are you sure you want to read the statement yourself today?”</p><p>Justin chews on his lip, reaching for his orange juice. “I want to do it,” he says after a moment. “But can you be ready just in case?”</p><p>“Of course,” Matt assures him. “We need to start getting ready. You okay with Clay helping you?”</p><p>Justin nods in reply, standing and following Clay upstairs. Lainie busies herself by clearing the table and putting the dishes in the dishwasher, shaking her head.</p><p>“I know giving him the choice is the right thing, and I know we can’t retract that decision now just because we’re nervous, but I am worried about him,” she admits. “He’s so anxious, and we need to make sure we keep an eye on him.”</p><p>“We will,” Matt promises, dropping a kiss to the top of her head. “Him asking me to be ready just in case is a good sign for him. You know in the past he would’ve just pushed through and not say a word.”</p><p>Lainie nods, closing the dishwasher. “I’m worried that him asking you to be ready is just a new front,” she admits, leaning up to kiss him. “I have to go get ready. So do you,” she reminds him, walking upstairs to get changed.</p><p>Matt sighs, drying his hands on the dish towel and following his wife upstairs, checking in on the boys before getting ready himself.</p><p>
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</p><p>Clay sits beside Justin in the hallway of the courthouse, knocking his knee against him when he hears Justin’s breathing hitch and quicken. As they waited for the trial to begin, Clay had been watching Justin carefully from the corner of his eye, not wanting to be overbearing.</p><p>He watches him shift uncomfortably, the button on his dress pants irritating the base of his incision. Clay knows it’s the first time he’s worn anything but sweatpants or gym shorts in almost two months, and the discomfort is understandable, but he also assumes his anxiety isn’t helping.</p><p>He watches him close his fingers and open them abruptly, hands shaking slightly as he focuses on his breathing.</p><p>He watches him ask Lainie questions quietly, pulling his statement from his pocket and reading it over, asking Matt to read through it one more time to make sure it makes sense.</p><p>He watches the relief flow through him when Lainie returns from the bathroom and stands in front of him, making an executive decision for the family.</p><p>“I think it’s best if we just wait out here during the trial portion. We go in, read your statement, and then listen to the verdict,” she decides, sitting down beside Justin as he relaxes his shoulders and nods. “I know you wanted to try to get through the whole thing, but sweetheart, I’m not sure that’s the best idea.”</p><p>“It’s not,” Justin agrees, which both comforts Clay and breaks his heart that the one thing Justin wanted to do, he can’t. “I’m fine with just reading my statement and then waiting to hear. But can I see my mom after?”</p><p>Clay watches his parents share a glance. “Let’s see how it goes,” Lainie compromises, which Justin agrees to and blows out a breath. “I want you to see her, love. I do. But we need to know that you are not going to be hurt in the process.”</p><p>Justin shrugs, leaning back against the wall.</p><p>After checking in with Justin, Matt and Clay decide to go in and listen to one portion of the trial. Wary of the stress Justin was already under, Lainie goes against her better judgment and lets him play games on his phone, hoping that since he wasn’t up to talking to her, he would be firmly distracted by something else.</p><p>Matt sits beside his oldest son in the back of the courtroom, eyes burning a hole in the back of Amber’s head. They were attending the portion where Amber spoke about what she knew, and although it wasn’t planned that they would listen to that part, Matt wishes they had chosen a different part to attend. He wishes they were sitting through the police’s statement or a summary of why Amber had been arrested.</p><p>Instead he watches as Amber speaks with vacant eyes, a blank expression on her face as she discusses Seth’s plans.</p><p>Seth told her he was planning to change Justin’s life. He was planning to hurt him in a way he hadn’t been hurt before. Seth promised that he would make Justin change his mind, that he would come visit her after Seth was done with him.</p><p>And then he promised that if his approach didn’t work, he would take Amber to see Justin personally.</p><p>Matt feels sick to his stomach, thoughts swirling in his mind at just how much worse this all could have been.</p><p>How lucky they were to be able to bring Justin home after only two weeks in the hospital. How lucky they were that he could breathe on his own after just a night of being intubated.</p><p>How lucky they were that the knife missed all major organs and arteries. That he stayed stable long enough to get to the hospital and be rushed into emergency surgery.</p><p>How lucky they were to have doctors and nurses who worked so hard to save Justin’s life, keep him comfortable and begin the stages of his healing. That the physical therapists took their time with Justin, slowly helping him regain his strength. Their calm, reassuring demeanor, their gentle approach with Justin is something he’s thankful for every day, and he knows Lainie feels the same.</p><p>How lucky they were that this wasn’t worse.</p><p>When they call for the next recess, Matt breaks out of his trance and stands beside Clay.</p><p>“Is it possible to hate someone more?” Clay asked as they filed out, their footsteps slow. “Because I think I hate Seth and Amber way more than I did before we heard all of this.”</p><p>Matt smiles, wrapping his arm around his son’s shoulders. “Yes,” he says after a moment, a smile on his face. “I definitely think you can hate them more than we did before. I certainly do.”</p><p>Justin looks relieved to see them walk out. Matt and Lainie share a quiet conversation, and while Justin doesn’t say anything, he leans towards Clay when he falls onto the bench beside him, nudging his shoulder with his.</p><p>“Not much longer,” Clay reassures him. “You doing okay?”</p><p>“Fine, yeah,” Justin says quietly, folding his hands together. “Just ready to get this over with.”</p><p>Clay nods, handing Justin his bottle of water to take a sip. “Hopefully soon.”</p><p>They listen to the court call recess and then regroup. Matt and Justin go on a walk through the halls, talking quietly, and Lainie takes an opportunity to sit beside Clay.</p><p>“I know this isn’t ideal, but you’re doing a really great thing being here for him today.”</p><p>“There’s nothing I can say to make it better,” Clay mumbles, leaning back against the wall. “He’s so anxious and then he’s worried about reading his statement and seeing his mom. I know it’s a lot for him, but I don’t want him to shut down.”</p><p>Lainie nods, reaching over and taking his hand. “Dad’s talking with him now. We’re going to decide if we need to step in and take over for him, but I think the waiting is what’s making this worse,” she says. “It shouldn’t be too much longer before it’s our turn. These trials are usually pretty quick.”</p><p>Clay nods, watching as people pass and file in and out of court rooms. “Do you think he’s going to be okay after seeing his mom?”</p><p>Lainie smiles, retracting her hand and folding it in her lap. “I don’t know,” she admits, her voice shaking. “But I do know that we are going to support him and help him in whatever way he needs, and we will figure this out as a family.”</p><p>Clay nods, moving so Justin can sit down when he and Matt return. “You good?” Clay asks, unsurprised when he receives a shrug and a nod in return, and is thankful when an officer arrives and lets them know that Justin’s statement is next.</p><p>Standing, Lainie rests her hand lightly on Justin’s shoulder. “Do you feel okay to do this?” she asks once more, watching her youngest take a deep breath.</p><p>“I’ll be fine,” he promises, sincerity behind his eyes. “It’s just a few minutes, and then I can sit and wait to see if they’ll do sentencing.”</p><p>Nodding, Lainie leans up and kisses his cheek. “I’m proud of you, but if you need Dad to step in, I will still be proud. You know that, right?” she says, following him into the courtroom after he nods and taking a seat in the front row in between Clay and Matt.</p><p>She watches Amber’s eyes follow Justin all the way up to the podium, where he stands and adjusts his posture slightly, taking a deep breath.</p><p>“My name is Justin Foley, and Amber Foley is my biological mother,” he begins, glancing at Amber and back the judge. “Even though I was adopted and haven’t been living with her for a little over a year, I do still care about her and want the best for her, which is why I have decided to come here to speak about the charges against her.”</p><p>“I’m not surprised that Amber knew that Seth was planning to talk to me, and that she knew the extent of Seth’s plans if I didn’t go along with what he wanted. Seth has been in her life for over two years, and while I wasn’t there the entire time he’s been living there, the time I was there was abusive in many ways.” Justin shifts, bracing himself against the podium.</p><p>“My mom has been an addict my entire life, and even though she had numerous attempts at getting clean and helping us move out of our situation, there was always a guy there bringing her back down into her addiction, including Seth the last few years. And even though the drug addiction was the main culprit that Seth would use, he was manipulative in many other ways, always making sure she understood that she was beneath him.”</p><p>“I believe more than anything that my mother needs help. She has never really been given a chance, and going to jail for being an accomplice to a crime that should have killed me will not help her in recovery or getting her clean,” he continues. “While I do not forgive her for her involvement with the attack and not stepping up and stopping Seth’s plans, I do hope that all of you can consider a mandatory rehab stay to help her get clean and hopefully move away from this life that is killing her. Despite what she’s put me through my entire life, I do believe that she needs the help to get the fresh start and move away from this addiction and the abusive people that hurt us so many times.”</p><p>Turning back, he walks and sits down slowly between Matt and Lainie. Lainie leans over, squeezing his arm. “You okay?”</p><p>“I think so,” he nods, taking a breath. “Will they do sentencing?”</p><p>Lainie glances at the judge, sighing. “I’m not sure yet. We should know in a few minutes,” she says. “Do you feel okay to hang out here, or do you want to step out?”</p><p>Justin stares straight ahead, refusing to make eye contact with Amber as she looks back at him. “I want to stay here.”</p><p>Lainie nods, resting her hand on his knee as they wait to hear what comes next. As the judge returns, Justin shifts uncomfortably.</p><p>“Given the evidence provided and the statement from the victim of the attack, I am willing to grant a 60-day mandatory drug rehabilitation stay. If Ms. Foley does not complete the stay, a warrant will be issued and she will serve time for aiding and abetting,” he announces. “Additionally, a two-year probation will be enforced immediately as a punishment for the crime.”</p><p>Justin feels relief and then a sick feeling pooling at the bottom of his stomach when he notices that Amber looks almost disappointed by the ruling. Glancing at Lainie, she stands and kisses the top of his head. “I’m going to go see about getting you a moment with Amber,” she says softly, walking towards the judge as Clay moves and sits in Lainie’s place.</p><p>“You fucking did it,” he laughs, earning half a smile from Justin. “Your statement worked.”</p><p>Justin nods, sighing. “I thought it would feel better than this,” he admits. “She looked upset that he agreed to not send her to jail.”</p><p>“You did what you felt was right, kiddo,” Matt promises. “Hopefully she'll see that this was for her benefit.”</p><p>“We’re all proud of you,” Clay says, leaning back and nudging his shoulder against his brother’s.</p><p>Justin nods, spaced out and distant, and only blinks back into focus when Lainie returns. “They’re going to give you a few minutes with her, but someone has to be present in the room while you talk to her because you’re a minor.” Justin opens his mouth to protest, sinking back when Lainie stops him. “I was able to convince them that I was able to do so since I’m a lawyer. I will stay back away in the corner, and you can talk to her privately. Okay?”</p><p>“Okay,” Justin breathes, reaching his hand out and letting Clay help him stand. Matt ushers Clay out of the courtroom, and, after waiting a minute to make sure he’s okay, Lainie moves back to the back of the courtroom as Justin walks towards Amber.</p><p>“I didn’t know you were going to be here,” she says to him, eyes cast down at the table. “No one told me.”</p><p>“I didn’t want anyone to know,” Justin says quietly. “I wasn’t sure if I was going to do it, or if Matt was going to have to do it. In case you didn’t know, Seth sort of left me to die, and my recovery hasn’t exactly been easy.”</p><p>He expects her to flinch. He doesn’t expect an apology, but he does figure that maybe she’ll show some sort of remorse for what happened to him, despite what she’s told Matt and the detectives countless times before.</p><p>But she stares at the table, tracing her finger over the wood grains. “I would rather be in jail than be sent to rehab and put on probation. Why did you do that?”</p><p>Justin shifts on his feet, shoving his hands into his pockets. “You need help, Mom,” he says quietly. “You need to get away from Seth and you need to get clean and get back on track with your life.”</p><p>“You shouldn’t have stepped in.”</p><p>“But I did,” Justin says. “Look, I can’t be around you until you’re clean and doing better. I just… my mental health can’t take this anymore. My sobriety can’t take this anymore. My physical health can’t either, clearly. But after the 60 days, after you’re clean and back on your feet, maybe we can reconnect. It’s my decision to make though. If I’m not ready, then I won’t see you.”</p><p>Amber looks up at him. “I can’t believe after everything I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me.”</p><p>“Being out of jail and in mandatory rehab isn’t a bad thing. You need to get away from Seth, and this is the best way to do it,” Justin glances back at Lainie, who’s scrolling through her phone. “I don’t forgive you, but I do hope rehab helps you get clean and start your life over, and I hope probation forces that, too. I love you, Mom, and I just want what’s best so you can start over like I got to.”</p><p>He kisses her head before turning back and walking away, listening to the guards take Amber away and chewing on his lip when he meets Lainie’s gaze. “She’s mad I stepped in. She would rather be in jail.”</p><p>Lainie’s face softens, pulling Justin in against her for a hug as she rubs his back. “Let’s go sit down for a minute,” she says softly, leading him back to the benches. “We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, but I think it’s good that we take a minute before we go see Dad and Clay.”</p><p>For a minute, Lainie and Justin don’t say anything. Justin sinks back against the back of the seat, folding his hands in his lap and staring straight ahead. Lainie sits beside him, crossing her legs and forcing herself to not reach out to him, reminding herself that he needs this time to process just as much as she does.</p><p>“When I was little, I used to think about how I could work to get her help before she killed herself,” he says quietly, continuing to stare straight ahead. “There were days I would come home from school and she’d be passed out or high, and I remember feeling so angry about it because I would go to Bryce’s or Zach’s and their moms were all okay and the two of them didn’t ever have to know what it felt like to have to take care of them when they accidentally overdosed. They’d never had to walk into their apartment and find their moms passed out with a needle in their arm.”</p><p>Lainie’s heart lurches to her throat, thick and uncomfortable. She had known about Justin’s past to an extent, but to hear him talk about it so openly, with such vulnerability, Lainie can’t help but wish she could make this instantly better. This time she doesn’t hesitate, reaching out to take his hand as he continues talking.</p><p>“I used to wish all the time for my mom to be clean and act like my friends’ parents, even if it was just for a few weeks. I just wanted to feel like she could do it, that the help we got her finally helped.”</p><p>“I’m so sorry there’s nothing I can say to make you feel better,” she says quietly, which is the wrong thing and for a moment Lainie knows she’s fumbling through this. “What you’ve been through, Justin, is so much more than any child should have ever had to deal with. You shouldn’t have been responsible for getting your mother clean or taking care of her. That was not your burden to bear.”</p><p>“It always felt like it,” Justin says weakly. “I was all she had. I was the only one who never left her.”</p><p>Lainie turns, looking at him. “You were a <em>child</em>, Justin,” she says, pushing back her emotions as her voice shakes. “Taking care of your mother should have never been on your radar. Worrying about her should’ve been the last thing on your mind. I’m so sorry that this wasn’t the case. I’m so sorry that no one helped you when you needed it the most.”</p><p>Pulling his bottom lip between his teeth, Justin nods. “I’m just so angry. I finally got the chance to help her, and she resents me for it. It’s the last thing she wanted, and all these years I thought it would be what saved her. What saved my relationship for her.”</p><p>Reaching her free hand up, Lainie brushes her fingers through his hair. “You did what you thought was right, love. And for what it’s worth, I think you made the right decision. She’s going to get the help she’s needed for years. The help you’ve always wanted to give her,” she says softly, pulling away and brushing the pads of her thumbs under his eyes gently. “I love you, and I am so proud of you, and I am so sorry that no one has ever stepped in before.”</p><p>“I love you, too,” he replies, nodding as he pulls his hand away and wipes under his eyes. “Can we go home?”</p><p>Lainie smiles, nodding. “Let’s go home, love. We can get into something more comfortable and hang out.”</p><p>Justin smiles, standing and walking out of the courtroom beside her. Clay doesn’t press for asking how the meeting went, and as they walk back out to the car and Matt suggests making lunch and then ordering in for dinner as if everything is normal, Justin’s never been so grateful to be part of their family.</p><p>
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</p><p>Following lunch, Justin and Clay retreated to the outhouse.</p><p>Clay had tried to fill the time by discussing school, but Matt and Lainie both agreed that Justin didn’t need to do school that day, leaving Justin to ask quietly if Clay could just work in silence so he could take a nap.</p><p>Clay worried about him the entire time he was asleep, fearing that he wasn’t doing as well as he was saying. It wasn’t unusual for Justin to be exhausted after that much activity, but he barely said any words to anyone since they got home, spending more time pushing his lunch around his plate than eating any of it, and then saying that he just had a headache and wasn’t feeling up to discussion.</p><p>No one pressed the issue. Lainie gave him medication, kissing his head and telling him to go lay down. Matt cleared Justin’s plate, handing him a protein shake to take to the outhouse with him to substitute for not eating lunch. Clay, noticing how unsteady Justin was, reaches out and helps him down the back stairs towards the outhouse, swallowing the urge to suggest that he just sleep in the living room where it’s easier for everyone to help him.</p><p>Clay spends half the time working on his homework and the other half watching Justin sleep, noticing every hum in discomfort and every careful shift in an attempt to get more comfortable. When he wakes up, Clay lamely tries to act like he had been working on his homework the whole time.</p><p>“Were you watching me sleep?” Justin asks, amused as he leans up on his elbows, wincing. “A little creepy, Jensen, I gotta admit.”</p><p>Clay laughs, shaking his head. “It’s just weird to see you mostly still,” he admits. “Usually when you sleep you’re all over the place. I know you can’t do that right now, but still, it’s just odd.”</p><p>He watches as Justin pushes himself to sit up, reaching for his water bottle. “The day I can sleep on my side or stomach again will be the best day of my life. I’m so sick of sleeping on my back,” he smiles.</p><p>Their conversation is cut short when Matt opens the door, smiling when he finds both boys awake. “Mom’s making a snack for the two of you, and she won't be pleased that you’ve barely touched the protein shake,” he teases.</p><p>“I fell asleep for a while. I’ll drink more of it now,” he says, rolling his eyes as he reaches for it and takes a sip. Clay mumbles something about going to help Lainie, standing up and walking out of the outhouse.</p><p>Matt sits on the edge of Clay’s bed, folding his hands together. “I know today has been a lot,” he says quietly. “Do you want to talk about it?”</p><p>Justin shrugs, thinking about Dr. Sales homework to be honest. Sitting up, he puts himself out on the edge and forces himself to not close himself off. “I thought when it was over I’d feel relieved or happy or whatever that the judge took our side and gave her rehab,” he says quietly. “But I just feel sort of empty and sad that she’s so mad I intervened, and I didn’t think I’d be this upset since she doesn’t care about me.”</p><p>“I think she does care about you, Justin,” he counters, sighing. “But she’s sick. And you did what you thought was right. It’s okay to feel upset at how she spoke to you earlier, especially because she wasn’t kind considering everything she’s put you through.”</p><p>“I told her I can’t see her anymore until she’s clean and sober, and even then it has to be my decision,” Justin says quietly.</p><p>“Do you feel at peace with that decision?”</p><p>Stretching out his legs, Justin sighs. “Not really, but I know it’s for the best,” he admits. He stares at his lap, picking at his sweatpants. “I can’t keep testing my sobriety and putting myself through this pain for someone who doesn’t care about me.”</p><p>Matt nods. “You can always change your mind, kiddo. As long as Lainie and I feel it’s safe, we’ll support you wanting to see Amber whenever you feel like you need to,” he assures him. “But I think you made the right decision, and we are so proud of you.”</p><p>“Thanks,” Justin whispers, looking up when Clay and Lainie enter with snacks, Lainie playfully frowning.</p><p>“I heard you barely touched the protein shake. You need to eat something, love, especially now so you can take your medication.”</p><p>“I know,” Justin smiles, wiping at his eyes and making room for Lainie to sit down as she brings him a snack.</p><p>The four sit together, and for a moment, Justin doesn’t think about how upset he is about his mother or how he wishes he approached things differently.</p><p>
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</p><p>Clay suggests their friends come over and hang out to watch movies, hoping it’s enough of a distraction for Justin after a long and draining day.</p><p>Justin agrees, deciding that he could use the distraction and laying in bed isn’t helping anything, and manages to get up and get changed into something more presentable. He doesn’t miss Lainie watching him as they bring food out to the outhouse for their friends, cupping his cheek in her hand.</p><p>“Dad and I are going to stay up until everyone leaves. If you need a break, you know you’re more than welcome to come into us and hang out, okay?” she says quietly, mindful of Ani and Jess arriving and talking with Clay.</p><p>Justin smiles, nodding. “I know, thank you,” he says quietly, hugging her. Watching as she leaves with Matt, Justin turns back and says hello to the girls, sitting down on his bed as Clay moves to set out paper plates and grab sodas from the fridge.</p><p>He only feels slightly settled when Zach arrives, nudging his legs so he can sit on the edge of his mattress. “I’m sure you don’t want to talk about it, but I’m glad you decided to hang out with us after today.”</p><p>Justin folds his hands over his stomach, nodding. “She got sent to rehab, which is good,” he says quietly, glancing around the room. “But today has been a lot. It’s nice to just chill.”</p><p>Across the room, Tony and Tyler argue over movie selections, and Clay easily steps in, picking one for the two of them and not giving them a chance to refute it.</p><p>“I feel like maybe I’m going to regret asking this, but do you want to go over there and hang out with everyone?” Zach asks, turning back to look at Justin.</p><p>Justin laughs, sitting up. “I think maybe I’m going to regret agreeing to this, but yeah, let’s go over and see what movie they picked.”</p><p>Zach stands and waits for Justin, the two of them making their way over to the sitting area as everyone piles in. Justin sits down on the sofa, grateful when Clay squeezes between him and Jess. “Just sneak out if you need to. Everyone knows it’s been a long day.”</p><p>Justin nods, picking at his sweatpants. “You didn’t tell them about the trial, right?” Justin whispers, looking at him.</p><p>Clay glances around, their friends talking quietly as they wait for the movie to begin, and then shakes his head. “I told them that your mom’s trial is over and you’re doing fine,” he assures him. “But this is your update to tell, when you’re ready. I’m not going to tell them.”</p><p>Justin nods, chewing on his lip. “I’ll tell them eventually, I just need to keep it to myself for right now. I need time.”</p><p>“You can take all the time you need,” Clay reminds him. “No one is begging for an answer. They get that this is a lot for you. Just don’t talk about it until you’re ready.”</p><p>Sinking back into the sofa, Justin thanks him quietly and watches the movie. He doesn’t miss Clay’s careful eyes on him, and as he looks around the room at his friends all engrossed in the movie, he tries to will himself to be grateful.</p><p>Grateful that he has a friend group who doesn’t get upset when he bails on them last minute. Who have showed up for him with snacks and a willingness to hang out with him when all they can do is lay there. Grateful his friends are willing to drop their plans to come be with him after long days, laughing about what’s happened since he hadn’t hung out with them and filling him in on things he missed.</p><p>But he thinks maybe despite being grateful for everything, maybe he should just allow himself to be miserable. To be thankful that his friends showed up, but allow himself to not feel bad when he leaves early.</p><p>Turning to Clay, Justin nudges his arm carefully. “I’m fine, but I’m going to go inside with Matt and Lainie.”</p><p>For a moment, it looks like Clay is going to press him, or quietly ask him questions. Instead he nods, glancing around the room. “Do you need help?”</p><p>Justin shakes his head, using Clay’s hand and the side of the sofa to stand up, quietly slipping out of the outhouse and back across the backyard.</p><p>Jess watches, leaning forward like she’s going to stand when Clay reaches out to stop her.</p><p>“Let him go,” he whispers, mindful of everyone around them. “Today was a lot for him, and it was silly of me to think that he’d be up for hanging out after all the activity he had today.”</p><p>Jess hesitates, looking back at Clay. “Are you sure he’s okay?”</p><p>“Positive,” Clay nods. “He’ll just go hang out with our parents. Probably fall asleep early. It has nothing to do with us.”</p><p>Nodding, Jess leans back, smiling when Ani stands and takes Justin’s place instead of sitting at Clay’s feet.</p><p>
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</p><p>Matt and Lainie are in the kitchen making tea when he opens the back door, smiling when they see him. “You okay?”</p><p>Justin nods, crossing the kitchen and grabbing his own mug. “I’m glad they all came over, but I’m just not feeling up to hanging out,” he says, allowing Lainie to take the mug from his hands so she can make his tea. “Today was too much to have to act like I’m fine in front of them, too.”</p><p>“I don’t blame you, love,” Lainie smiles, carrying his mug along with hers to the living room. “Do you want to talk about anything?”</p><p>Hesitating, Justin gently lowers himself onto the sofa, thanking Lainie quietly when she hands him his tea. “Do you think it’s silly that I feel empty and upset about how much she resented me stepping in?”</p><p>Lainie sits on the opposite side of the sofa, glancing at Matt. “I think it’s important that you own your feelings,” she says. “It’s okay to feel empty and upset about how she treated you today. I don’t think you ever thought the conversation would be perfect, but we can assume that you expected the conversation to go far better than that.”</p><p>Justin nods, wrapping his hands around the mug. “I never expected her to thank me, or tell me that she was grateful she was being sent to rehab. When she’s come out of rehab before, she never said it was great or what she needed or wanted,” he says quietly. “But I guess I thought maybe she’d seem a little more grateful about being given another chance, or the fact that I wanted to help her at all after everything she did to me.”</p><p>“Honey, there’s nothing wrong with being upset that she wasn’t grateful,” Lainie reassures him. “There was every reason to believe that she would’ve appreciated just having you show up and take her side in a case that had no reason for you to even want to do that. Everything you did today was because you wanted to help her, and I’m sorry she couldn’t see that or appreciate everything you did today.”</p><p>“I don’t know what to do from here,” Justin admits quietly. He stares at his tea, blowing on it gently. “I’m not ready to see her any time soon, but if she was this ungrateful and she told you that I basically ruined her life, I don’t know if I ever want to see her again.”</p><p>Matt leans forward, setting his tea on the coffee table. “Your mom and I are going to support you in whatever decision you make, but we don’t want you to rush back to see her just because she’s clean and hopefully getting her life together,” he says. “It’s entirely understandable that you feel conflicted about reconciling with her, and while your mom and I would love to tell you what to do, this needs to be your decision.”</p><p>“We also need you to know that we love you more than anything, and no matter what happens or what you decide, you will always be our son. You will always have a home with us, and there’s nothing you could do or choose that would make us love you any less,” Lainie assures him.</p><p>Justin smiles into his mug, nodding. “Yeah, I know,” he mumbles, forcing himself to look up. “Thank you, really.”</p><p>“You don’t need to thank us, love. We just wish we could’ve been doing this years ago,” Lainie smiles.</p><p>“We were going to watch a new true crime documentary Lainie saw on Netflix,” Matt says, shifting the conversation when he can tell Justin needs it. “You up for watching that with us?”</p><p>Justin brightens, pulling his feet up onto the sofa. “Yes, you know I love those,” he smiles, leaning back and readjusting the pillows. “I’m sleeping in the house tonight.”</p><p>Lainie navigates through the menu, nodding. “Okay, love. Whatever you need,” she says, not pressing the issue further.</p><p>By the time everyone leaves Justin is half asleep on the sofa, Lainie draping a blanket over him as she stands to help Clay bring the trash and dishes in from the outhouse.</p><p>Justin wakes up just long enough for Clay to return and help him upstairs, tossing him pajamas and making sure he’s okay before he turns to leave.</p><p>“I left a note on your nightstand, but Mom and Dad are in their room and I’m in the outhouse. Text if you need one of us,” Clay says.</p><p>Justin nods, parting his eyes just enough to look at Clay in the harsh lighting of the streetlamp. “Thanks for everything you did today, Clay. I love you.”</p><p>Clay smiles, leaning his hand on the door jam. “I love you, too.”</p><p>
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</p><p>Justin spends the first ten minutes sitting at the public pool staring at the water, a few families playing on the other side.</p><p>“This is a horrible idea,” he announces when Clay sits down beside him, shaking his head.</p><p>“You haven’t even tried yet,” Clay argues. “Come on, Alex said this worked really well for him, and your physical therapists gave us a list of things that would be good to try in the water. We don’t have to stay long.”</p><p>Justin turns, looking at Clay. “Alex shot himself in the head. Obviously this worked for him, he had to rehab way more than I do.”</p><p>“And you had your head slammed against the pavement,” Clay says bluntly, flinching at his own words. “You need rehab in different ways, but it’s still worth a shot to see if it helps you.”</p><p>Justin stares across the pool, watching the younger kids play in the shallow end as their parents talk along the edge. “I don’t want people to see my scars.”</p><p>Clay follows his gaze, staring at the family across the way. “They’re all the way over there.”</p><p>“They’re close enough to see the scars when I take my shirt off,” Justin mumbles. He presses his hands to the sticky plastic strips on the pool chair, sighing. “I can’t do this. This was silly to even think I could.”</p><p>Clay reaches out, retracting his hand when Justin flinches. “You’re not silly for wanting to try this, and for the record, you definitely can do it,” he says. “What if you kept your shirt on and we tried 10 minutes? And then we can go home and if you hate it that much, we don’t ever have to come back.”</p><p>Justin shifts, leaning back on his hands. He glances back at the families across the way and then back to Clay, swallowing uneasily. “Fine. 10 minutes, shirt on. And then we go home, and if I hate it, no more pool therapy.”</p><p>Clay stands, pulling off his own shirt. “Deal,” he agrees, waiting for Justin to stand before they walk over to the ladder. Clay gets in first, standing just back far enough away to be able to reach out and help if Justin needs it, and watches him slowly lower himself into the pool.</p><p>“I left the list of exercises by the edge. Pick two of them, and we’ll go from there,” Clay says, taking control of the session. Justin sighs, walking slowly through the water, and picks two exercises to do.</p><p>“How do you feel?” Clay asks, wading through the water as he watches Justin slowly work through his exercises. “You can stop if you need to.”</p><p>Justin chews on the corner of his lip, shaking his head. “Don’t need to stop,” he mumbles, focusing on the exercise. “It actually doesn’t hurt? I guess because I’m weightless in the water or whatever.”</p><p>Clay nods, leaning back against the wall and splashing water over his shoulders. “So you’re saying this is helping,” Clay retorts, a wry smile on his face.</p><p>Justin rolls his eyes, splashing water in Clay’s direction. “Shut up, I’m never admitting that,” he smirks, moving back across the pool. “I’ll do one more, and then I’m done. I’m tired.”</p><p>“It has been a crazy few days, and the fact that I even got you in the water is a miracle in itself,” Clay smirks. “Do you think you’ll want to come back and do this again?”</p><p>Justin walks slowly back towards the ladder, eyeing Clay. “How annoying will you be if I say yes?’</p><p>He laughs when Clay brightens, standing behind him to help steady him up the ladder. “I won’t be that annoying, and I’ll even resist the urge to say I told you so.”</p><p>Justin smiles, gripping the railing tightly with both hands as he slowly lifts himself up. “I’ll give you one chance to say it, and then no more.”</p><p>Clay steps out, smiling. “I told you this could really be helpful. I’m glad you took the chance,” he says, handing Justin a towel.</p><p>Justin gently dries off, looking around and sighing. “I didn’t bring another t-shirt, and I can’t sit in the car with a wet t-shirt because it’ll basically soak the scars.”</p><p>Clay suppresses a sigh, looking around. “I think there’s a sweatshirt in the car. Sit here and wait a minute, put the towel between your t-shirt and your skin so they don’t sit and soak right now,” he says, helping Justin sit down before he runs off to the car.</p><p>Justin watches the younger kids across the pool. They splash around and have competitions on who can make the biggest splash with a cannonball. Justin remembers when he was their age, hours spent under the blazing sun playing in Bryce’s pool until their fingers turned to prunes. His eyes would sting with chlorine, and Bryce’s maid would bring sickly sweet lemonade and popsicles out for the boys to enjoy, tiding them over until she finished making dinner.</p><p>He’d never really been to the public pool except for a handful of times he snuck in with Monty and Scott on busy afternoons when Bryce would be at his vacation home at the beach. The three of them would come in through an open gate at the back, splashing off the diving boards and causing a scene until they left before the manager realized they didn’t belong.</p><p>Clay returns from the car, tossing a sweatshirt onto the chair. “You’re going to have to change here real quick, but if you face this way I’ll block anyone from seeing,” he offers, looking around. “Do you want my t-shirt or the sweatshirt?”</p><p>Justin looks between both, pushing himself to stand. “Sweatshirt. I’m cold,” he decides, gently peeling off his wet t-shirt and reaching for the sweatshirt, mindful of Clay blocking everyone’s view so no one saw his scars.</p><p>“Done,” he mumbles, allowing Clay to toss the towel onto the chair as he pulls his t-shirt on, looking at his brother.</p><p>“Mom and Dad don't think we’re going to be back for a little while. Want to drive around and maybe get ice cream or something?”</p><p>Justin smiles, grabbing his bag from the table. “Yeah, sure,” he says. “Anything to be out of the house for a little while longer.”</p><p>They walk back to the car, Clay standing on the passenger side to make sure he doesn’t need any help. He tosses their things in the back seat, climbing into the passenger seat and plugging his phone in.</p><p>Justin scrolls through his phone, letting it fall to his lap and pressing his head against the window. “Are you mad with how my mom’s trial went?”</p><p>Clay sucks in a sharp breath, caught off guard by the question. “I’m not mad,” he finally replies after a moment. “I’m glad things worked out the way you wanted them to. I want you to be happy, you know. Even if I don’t agree.”</p><p>Justin laughs, shaking his head. “I’m not sure I did the right thing,” he admits. “She hates me, Clay. She’s so mad that I stepped in and requested rehab for her.”</p><p>Clay turns onto the main road. “Did you do what you thought was best?” he asks, glancing at Justin. “Putting how she felt aside, did you do what you thought was right? Or did you do it because it’s what you felt like you needed to do.”</p><p>Out of the corner of his eye, Clay watches Justin wrestle with the question. “I did it because I thought it was the right thing,” he decides after a moment. “I thought that since I got so much help from you guys, maybe she deserved a chance to get out of that life, too. But I guess that’s not what she wanted.”</p><p>Clay nods, pulling into the parking lot of the ice cream place. “I think you did what you thought was right. And it sucks that she didn’t want the help and she was pissed about you doing something to help her get out of her situation, but it doesn’t mean that you need to regret what you did or wish you did something differently.”</p><p>“Are you just saying that to make me feel better?”</p><p>“Definitely not,” Clay smiles. “I don’t agree with wanting to send her to rehab, but I get that I’ll never understand what the two of you went through when you did live with her. And I’m never going to be able to understand why she needs the help as much as you did.”</p><p>Justin breathes a sigh of relief, nodding. “I guess all I can do is hope now that when she gets released she’ll see how much she actually did need the help and she’s grateful for it now.”</p><p>Clay nods, grabbing his wallet from the cupholder. “And if she doesn’t, then at least you can say you’ve tried everything you could think of to help her.”</p><p>Justin nods, stepping out of the car and following Clay around the parking lot. They drive around until the street lamps turn on and the last of the sun disappears behind the horizon, returning home with smiles on their faces and a peace between them that hasn’t been there since before the accident.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you guys for reading! :)</p><p>next chapter has more family time and senior night for football.</p><p>see you next week!</p><p>title of the chapter is from Back from the Edge by James Arthur :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. a house that's full of everything we wanted</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Justin talks through Amber's verdict, they make plans for returning to school, and Justin celebrates football senior night</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Since starting his therapy at Dr. Ellman’s office, Justin’s begun to notice little aspects he missed the first time he came to him for therapy.</p>
<p>Like the photo of Dr. Ellman’s family that’s hanging in the back corner of the office, smiling faces at his daughter’s graduation. Or the framed photo of an 80s rock band he knows Matt probably loves and would be disappointed he didn’t recognize.</p>
<p>Today he notices the worn rings from a coffee mug on the coffee table between the two of them, the coaster he normally has out discarded to the side.</p>
<p>“I know your mother’s trial was just a few days ago,” Dr. Ellman begins, diverting Justin’s attention back to him. “Do you want to talk about how that went?”</p>
<p>Justin shrugs. “I got to talk to her and she hates me for stepping in, but the courts listened to my statement and decided to give her a mandatory rehab stay instead of sending her to jail. She’s also on probation for two years.”</p>
<p>Nodding, Dr. Ellman writes in his notebook. “Did you read your statement? Or did Matt read it?”</p>
<p>“I read it,” he says quietly. “And I felt fine the whole time. I was anxious before, but I didn’t go watch the trial and I only stayed to hear the judge’s decision, which worked out well for me. I think if I was in there the whole time I would definitely not have lasted or been way worse off.”</p>
<p>“How did you feel after you heard the verdict? That the judge agreed with you and sent your mother to mandated rehab?”</p>
<p>Smiling, Justin shakes his head. “I mean, I was relieved. She was finally getting the help she needed, the help that I’ve been getting since I’ve been with the Jensens,” he says. “But then it was all ruined when she told me she wishes I didn’t step in and she wishes I just let her be in jail.”</p>
<p>“Why do you think she wanted to be sent to jail?”</p>
<p>“Because Seth’s there,” Justin laughs, chewing on his lip. He says it so simply, like it’s the most obvious answer in the world, and Dr. Ellman looks at him with a mixture of sadness and understanding. “The last few years, everything has been about Seth. He has enough money to give her a place to live and she didn’t have to worry about where food came from or what would happen if she missed work because she was strung out.”</p>
<p>Dr. Ellman writes in his notebook, crossing his legs. “Did she know everything Seth did while you were still in her care?”</p>
<p>“The abuse?” Justin asks, sinking back when Dr. Ellman nods. “I don’t know. She saw most of it and didn’t get me out of there or change anything for us. I’m sure he bragged about hurting me or whatever to her at night when they were getting high, or maybe when she realized I wasn’t home and actually wondered where I was. But it’s not like she cared.”</p>
<p>Dr. Ellman sets his pen down. “Do you think your mother cared more about Seth and keeping him happy than she did about keeping you alive and safe?”</p>
<p>Justin feels like he’s been punched in the stomach. His scars, normally numb and tingling when his t-shirt brushes across them, burn as if someone dug their fingernails into them. He shifts uncomfortably, forcing himself to take a deep breath, and then stares at Dr. Ellman. “Yes,” he says, unable to force himself to say anything more.</p>
<p>It’s a stark realization that Justin refused to ever consider before. The thought of his mother, a woman who was supposed to protect him and guide him through life, had put the happiness of her drug dealer boyfriend before him was never something Justin wanted to think about. And now, being faced with it, forced to sit in the discomfort of knowing his mother’s motives the last few years, Justin wishes he could crawl back under the blankets in bed and stay there forever.</p>
<p>Dr. Ellman doesn’t press him to explain further. He nods, writes in his notebook, and leans forward. “I need you to tell me how you’re feeling right now, Justin,” he says quietly. “I know it would be easy to close yourself off right now, but even if it’s only one word, I need to hear you tell me how you’re feeling.”</p>
<p>“Betrayed,” Justin says after a moment, his words stuck in his throat. He swallows roughly, squeezing his eyes shut. “Like I was an idiot for not seeing it sooner. Like I shouldn’t have helped her get out of jail. I shouldn’t have wasted my time writing that statement and reading it and even going to the trial.”</p>
<p>“You cannot blame yourself for not understanding her motives sooner,” Dr. Ellman says gently, holding his hand up before Justin can protest. “If this was Clay, would you want him to blame himself for his mother’s motives?”</p>
<p>Justin sighs, shaking his head. “But Lainie would never do this.”</p>
<p>“No, maybe not. But you cannot hold yourself to a higher standard if you wouldn’t treat Clay in that manner if the situation was flipped,” he counters. “Justin, when you want to blame yourself for something your mother did, I want you to flip it and think about how you’d treat Clay in those moments. You are so tethered to him, you care so deeply for him, and I think you’re much kinder and gentler with him than you are with yourself.”</p>
<p>“Clay’s hard enough on himself for the both of us,” Justin shrugs.</p>
<p>Dr. Ellman laughs, nodding. “You boys have both been through a harrowing and life-changing event. And I suspect this type of trauma was in your life far before this attack,” he says. “You deserve a break, Justin. You deserve to give yourself some grace, remind yourself that you are doing your best, and it’s not your fault you painted an alternate picture of your mother in your mind. You did what you needed to do to survive.”</p>
<p>Justin sighs. “I guess it’s just hard to see it that way.”</p>
<p>“I know it is,” Dr. Ellman sympathizes. “For this week, I’d like you to work on being kinder to yourself. Give yourself the same grace you would give to Clay if it was him in this situation. And I’d like you to work on pushing yourself to talk when you’re upset. I know it’s easy for you to shut down and deal with it alone, but your family wants to help you.”</p>
<p>Standing, Justin smooths his hands over his sweatpants and nods. “I’ll do my best,” he promises, which alone feels like a win when Justin normally pushes back.</p>
<p>Brushing past Lainie in the waiting room, Justin walks out the front door and stands on the front step, waiting for Lainie to be done talking to Dr. Ellman.</p>
<p>“Ready to go?” Lainie asks when she steps out, leading Justin back to the car. “We don’t have to go anywhere yet if you’re not ready. We can just sit here for a minute.”</p>
<p>“Did he tell you what we talked about?” Justin asks, adjusting in his seat.</p>
<p>Lainie turns on the car, adjusting the air and sitting back. “No, love,” she assures him. “The only time Dr. Ellman will tell us anything about your session is if he believes you are a danger to yourself or others.”</p>
<p>Justin nods. “I think I made a mistake helping my mom,” he says after a moment, watching as a mother and her child walk across the parking lot back to their car. “I should’ve realized that she never really did care about me, and helping her now by keeping her out of jail wasn’t going to magically change that.”</p>
<p>Lainie adjusts in her seat. “I think you chose to help your mother in that moment because you were hopeful that maybe helping her get help would begin to fix your relationship,” she says carefully. “You chose to help her in hopes that when she’s clean, you two can begin speaking and healing. That’s no reason to feel that you made a mistake, or that you were blinded by your hopes when considering what you wanted.”</p>
<p>When Justin doesn’t answer, Lainie leans over and touches his arm. “Honey, it’s okay to be upset about how it went. It’s okay to feel like you should have made a different choice. But it’s impossible to look back now that you know the outcome and your mother’s feelings and feel that you did something wrong,” she says. “It’s okay if you never want to see your mother again, but it’s also okay if you do want to see her again after time has passed. No matter what, you don’t have to shut down or push us away. You don’t have to bottle this up inside and work through it yourself. We are always here for you, love.”</p>
<p>“Dr. Ellman told me not to shut myself off, too,” Justin says with a smile. “Thank you. For always being there for me. And for being so cool about me wanting to help my mom. I know you're my mom now, I just -”</p>
<p>“I get it,” Lainie says when Justin doesn’t finish his sentence, smiling. “While you are wholly and completely my son in my eyes, I realize that I did not have those first 16 years with you. I wasn’t the one who brought you into this world, I wasn’t the one up with you in the middle of the night when you were a baby, or taking you to football and basketball on weekends. You have this whole life with Amber, and us adopting you doesn’t mean it should just be ripped away, no matter how much we’d like to ease your hurting.”</p>
<p>“Thanks,” he mumbles, tilting his head to look at her. “You would’ve been way better at all of that, though. The whole taking care of me and taking me to sports and just being there for me. She didn’t really do any of that.”</p>
<p>Reaching forward, Lainie cups his cheek in her hand. “I love you.”</p>
<p>“Love you, too,” Justin smiles, leaning into her touch.</p>
<p>Lainie lingers for a moment, pulling away. “Clay is hanging out with Ani after school, so if you’re still feeling up to it, Matt and I will take you to go see the football team at practice. I know you wanted to go since it’s one of the last practices before senior nights.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, reaching for his seatbelt. “I definitely want to go. But you guys can wait in the car, okay?”</p>
<p>Lainie pulls out of the parking lot, smiling. “Is that what Clay did?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Justin nods. “I’ll be fine alone, I promise.”</p>
<p>Breathing a sigh of relief, Lainie nods. “Then we’ll wait for you in the car,” she smiles, laughing when Justin turns on the radio and sings along.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>Justin walks down the steps to the stadium, finding comfort in Kerba’s whistle blowing as the team works through drills.</p>
<p>Lainie was much more on board with Justin going alone, but Matt was apprehensive that Justin had a long day and he didn’t want him to exert himself too much. Justin countered that he felt fine, and reluctantly Matt agreed that he could go by himself after making him promise that he would text if he needed help.</p>
<p>It’s Zach that notices him first, pulling off his helmet and jogging over to the track, walking back onto the field beside Justin. “Didn’t expect to see you today.”</p>
<p>“It’s one of the last practices for the seniors. I couldn’t not be here,” Justin smiles.</p>
<p>Kerba tosses him a ball, apologizing when Justin just barely reacts in time to catch the ball before it hits his midsection. “I’m so used to just tossing it,” he says sheepishly, tucking a free ball under his hand.</p>
<p>Justin shrugs, tossing the ball between both of his palms. “It’s fine, I get it. I mean, it didn’t hit anything and I’m totally good, so.”</p>
<p>Kerba smiles. Corralling the group to work with one of the other coaches on a new drill, Kerba waits until they have a quiet moment. “I want to get this out now before we get distracted or you have to leave,” he begins, looking at him. “Know that there is absolutely no pressure to answer this now, or even be there, but with senior night in a few nights, we need to finalize the names of who's being honored and who will be with them. I know this year hasn’t been the ideal senior year for you. I know that you have a lot going on, that you’re still recovering, but you know that you are absolutely welcome to be at the ceremony. We plan to honor you either way, if that’s okay with you.”</p>
<p>Watching the team run set plays across the field, Justin smiles. “As of right now, I plan on being there in person,” he says. “I feel really good, and I want to see at least one game. Obviously that could change if I don’t feel good on Friday, but if I’m not there I’m cool with you still honoring me if I’m not there. As long as it doesn’t turn into some weird memorial thing.”</p>
<p>Tipping his head back, Kerba laughs. “We won’t make it a memorial thing if you're not there, but I am glad to hear that you plan on being there,” he says. “What are we calling Matt and Lainie?”</p>
<p>Hesitating, Justin glances back to the parking lot, where Matt and Lainie sit in the car. Through the glare, he can see both of them talking, Lainie smiling at something Matt says. “My parents,” he decides, smiling. “Matt and Lainie Jensen.”</p>
<p>Kerba smiles. “I’ll write it down,” he promises. “Charlie needs a throwing partner. Obviously don’t exert yourself, I’ll never hear the end of it from Lainie, but are you feeling up to some underhand tosses?”</p>
<p>“I am,” Justin nods, patting Kerba on the shoulder as he walks over to where the quarterbacks are standing, working with Charlie.</p>
<p>He stays for the entire practice, sitting on the bleachers for the final drills when he grows tired, and when he returns to the car, he doesn’t miss the smiles on Matt and Lainie’s faces.</p>
<p>“I told Kerba we would probably be at senior night on Friday as long as I feel okay, and I told him that you would both be with me when they do the ceremony,” Justin says, reaching for his seatbelt. “But can we not like, make a big deal about this?”</p>
<p>Matt looks at him from the rearview mirror, smiling. “Sure, kid,” he smiles. “We’ll all be at senior night as long as you’re feeling okay, and Mom and I will be with you at the ceremony.”</p>
<p>Nodding, Justin leans his head against the window, closing his eyes as they make their way home.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>When it came to approaching next steps and making plans, Lainie teetered on the edge of how much involvement Clay should have in hearing the information.</p>
<p>On one hand, she understood how important it was for Clay to hear the information, hear where they were in Justin’s recovery and where they continued going from there. She understood that Clay always had questions, and many times, those questions are what Justin would want to ask, but would always shy away from.</p>
<p>On the other hand, Justin was easily influenced by Clay’s thoughts. The only time Lainie remembers Justin saying how he felt was when it came to defending Amber in court. He had been so outspoken that it felt out of place, but Lainie knew that was extenuating circumstances, and he would be more likely to revert back to agreeing with Clay and his opinions.</p>
<p>So, after grappling with the thought most of the afternoon, Lainie asks Clay to go to the outhouse so they can talk to Justin alone. “If he wants to talk to you about what we’re talking about, then you two can discuss it later.”</p>
<p>“I’d rather Clay just stay,” Justin says, sinking back. “I’m tired, my head hurts, and I’m going to want him to know anyway. Can he just stay?”</p>
<p>Lainie looks at Matt before back at Justin, smiling. “He can stay, sure,” she agrees. “But Clay, this can’t be something you have input in. At least not initially.”</p>
<p>Clay nods, sitting back down on the sofa beside Justin.</p>
<p>Matt sits beside Lainie, leaning forward. “Justin, buddy, we know that this recovery has felt a bit monotone and repetitive, especially as you get stronger,” he begins. “We discussed with your doctors what a realistic plan could be moving forward, and what it would take to get you back into school, even if it’s for a half day.”</p>
<p>“While we should have included you in these conversations or let you know that we were going to have them, we didn’t want it to be terrible news and have us have to alter our current plans or worry about your expectations,” Lainie adds.</p>
<p>Justin nods. “I’m glad you asked without me,” he says quietly. “I would've been relentless if I knew you guys were doing that.”</p>
<p>Matt and Lainie both smile. “Well, all of your doctors agree that you’re okay to try to return to school for half days starting after Thanksgiving,” Matt says. “Your mom and I figured that we would alternate days. Go in the morning one day, and the afternoon the next. We’ll make accommodations with school since you won't be able to carry anything heavy, and obviously we’ll have to make this schedule flexible based on how you’re feeling each morning.”</p>
<p>“But love, this decision is entirely up to you,” Lainie reminds him. “If you feel that after Thanksgiving is too soon, we’ll pull back and continue homeschooling for the foreseeable future. We’ll have your friends over more, we’ll try to make being with just Matt and I more fun.”</p>
<p>Smiling, Justin leans back. He picks at his sweatpants, sighing as he weighs his options. “I want to try to go to school,” he says after a moment, forcing himself to look up. “I guess I’m just worried about how I’ll do. If it’ll be hard, or if people will be annoyed because things take me longer right now and I’ll need special treatment.”</p>
<p>“Fuck them,” Clay interjects, leaning forward. “I know I said I would just listen, but I just think it needs to be said that you shouldn’t base your decision on what people will think if you take a little longer right now.”</p>
<p>Lainie suppresses a sigh. “Clay is right,” she says. “But would it make you feel less anxious if we took this one day at a time? If we focused solely on that first Monday morning and making it through school until lunch, unless you need to come home sooner.”</p>
<p>Justin blows out a breath, folding his hands together. “Yes,” he decides after a moment. “I think the only way I’ll feel totally in control is if we decide each morning and don’t look too far ahead.”</p>
<p>“That can be arranged,” Matt assures him. “And if you think about this more and you decide it’s not the right time, there’s no shame in that. Even if you do go back in person, Mom and I are going to continue alternating working from home so we can be here with you in the morning or afternoon you’re not in school. This plan can always be changed at a moment’s notice.”</p>
<p>“Even if I decide on that Monday that I’m really not ready for it?”</p>
<p>“Even then,” Matt assures him.</p>
<p>Justin breathes, relaxes his shoulders, and nods. “Okay, then I’d like to try to go to school that Monday.”</p>
<p>The family agrees, smiling. “We’ll put it on the calendar,” Lainie declares, standing to grab Justin’s medication and a snack for him, settling back into their normal routine after setting plans for the future.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>Lainie had only visited Principal Bolan’s office a handful of times since Clay entered high school, generally formal meetings about Clay’s mental health or a plan to reintegrate Justin back into school and have him graduate on time with his peers despite the amount of time he missed.</p>
<p>Justin sat beside her, fiddling with the waistband of the jeans that are now baggy on him, looking around the office Lainie knew he’d spent time in before. “I promise this is our only stop, and then you can go home and change into something far more comfortable,” she says quietly, smiling. “Are your incisions okay?”</p>
<p>Justin nods, pulling his hands away and smoothing them over his jeans. “They’re fine, I just haven’t worn normal pants that often and they feel weird,” he explains. “How long is this going to take?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know, love,” Lainie says. “But I want you to be as vocal in this meeting as you feel comfortable. Remember, this is about you. This is about making sure that you have what you need to feel like you can be successful back in the classroom. Do you remember what we talked about?”</p>
<p>Pushing his hands onto the arms of the chairs, Justin repositions himself carefully. “That I’ll still need and have the extra time to complete the work, and that doesn’t make me a failure.”</p>
<p>“And?” Lainie presses, patiently giving Justin the time he needs.</p>
<p>“You will never be disappointed, especially if it means I’m asking for what I need and I’m not suffering,” he says with a wry smile, glancing out into the hallway.</p>
<p>Lainie laughs, adjusting her skirt. “As long as you know that, I am happy to help you advocate for whatever you think you need.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, his gaze breaking from his lame attempt to spot Clay when Principal Bolan walks into the room, shaking both of their hands and sitting at his desk. “Justin, it’s so nice to see you this morning. How are you doing?”</p>
<p>“I’m getting better,” he says, smiling. “Thank you.”</p>
<p>Principal Bolan returns the statement with a smile. “I understand we’re here to talk about you returning to school. We are excited to welcome you back, and are prepared to make any accommodations that you may need to make sure you’re succeeding.”</p>
<p>Lainie glances at Justin, who nods to let her know that she can begin the conversation. “As you know, we’ve been homeschooling using work Justin’s teachers have given him,” she says. “His doctors have all agreed that he’s ready to begin attending normal school with accommodations, such as just doing half days to begin with so we can manage workload.”</p>
<p>“I’d like to alternate days. If I come in the morning one day, I want to come in the afternoon on the next day. That way I don’t miss too much of one class.”</p>
<p>“I think that can certainly be arranged,” Principal Bolan says with a smile. “What other accommodations would you need to make sure we make this as successful as possible?”</p>
<p>Justin hesitates. “I need more time with work. It takes me a little while to complete things right now, and I don’t want to feel like I have to rush,” he says quietly. “I also need to know that if I have to miss a day, it’s okay. I’ll still do school at home and keep up with my work, but sometimes the lights are too bright and the conversations are too much, and I’ll do better if I’m somewhere that’s more quiet.”</p>
<p>Principal Bolan shifts, folding his hands on his desk. “Justin, these are all more than reasonable accommodations. Your teachers are willing to do whatever you need to help you succeed, and if that’s better at home some days, that’s perfectly fine,” he assures him. “Would it help you to have the opportunity to step out of class without asking? Even if it’s just for a few minutes to regroup.”</p>
<p>“Could I do that?’ Justin asks. Glancing at Lainie, he smiles and turns back to Principal Bolan. “That would help a lot, but I understand if it’s not possible. I don’t want people to think I get all this special treatment.”</p>
<p>“It’s not special treatment if it’s what helps you succeed,” Lainie says from beside him. “I think being able to step out of class as needed is helpful, and even if you never use that option, at least you know it’s there.”</p>
<p>Nodding, Justin looks back to Principal Bolan. “I’d like to start the Monday after Thanksgiving break. All of my doctors have given the okay as long as I’m not doing any heavy lifting.”</p>
<p>“We’ll have any textbooks you need in your classrooms already,” he says with ease. “We’d be more than happy to welcome you back that Monday, and we can take this one day at a time. If you need more time, or if you feel maybe you took this too quickly, I’d be happy to reevaluate with you.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, thanking him quietly as he leans back and allows Lainie to talk through a few more logistics to be sure they were doing everything they could to make transition as easy as possible. When she finishes, Justin stands and shakes Principal Bolan’s hands, following Lainie through the familiar hallways and back out towards the car.</p>
<p>“That went well, don’t you think?” Lainie smiles, settling in the driver’s seat. “Do you feel comfortable with all of the decisions today?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Justin nods, looking over. “I’m still nervous about school, but I’m glad that they’re going to help me so much to make sure I’m okay.”</p>
<p>“It’s normal to be nervous, but they are going to do everything they can to make sure you’re comfortable. And if you’re not, we’ll reassess and make adjustments. I’m not expecting this to be perfect right away.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, tipping his head back. “I know Principal Bolan is sort of the enemy, but he was really great at making sure I felt comfortable with everything.”</p>
<p>Beside him, Lainie laughs. “I know Principal Bolan hasn’t been the best, and he’s definitely made some questionable decisions, but I do think he has your best interests in mind.”</p>
<p>“Me too,” Justin agrees, gently letting his eyes slip shut as Lainie drives home.</p>
<p>
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    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>Against Justin’s better judgement, he finds himself at the pool with Clay the night before senior night.</p>
<p>“We don’t have to stay long, but you really did like it last time, and it doesn’t hurt to do it again,” Clay reasons, peeling his own shirt off as he looks at Justin, who sat down on the chair. “Are you feeling up for this?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Justin nods, staring at the kids playing across the pool. “But I’m leaving my shirt on again for now.”</p>
<p>“Fine,” Clay nods, holding his hand out to help Justin stand up from the chair. Together they walk over to the edge, Clay sliding in before making sure Justin was okay as he climbed in as well.</p>
<p>“Isn’t this exhausting for you?” Justin asks after a minute, working through the first exercise. “You told me you wanted to take a step back in my recovery, but this is like, the opposite of that. It’s almost like you’re more involved now.”</p>
<p>Clay dips his head into the water, shaking it slowly. “I don’t think this counts to what I said,” he reasons. “Besides, I don’t really consider this super taxing for me. All I do is sit in the water and make sure you don’t drown. This isn’t like… stalling my recovery.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, blowing out a breath. “Okay, yeah. If you’re sure.”</p>
<p>“I’m sure,” he nods. “And if I’m not able to help you one day, or if I think this is going to hurt my recovery, I’ll tell you. I think we’re at the point where we can be honest about this.”</p>
<p>“We are,” Justin agrees, walking over to start a new exercise. “Talk to me about Ani. This is uncomfortable and I need a distraction.”</p>
<p>Justin laughs as Clay’s cheeks redden, shaking his head and splashing water in his direction. “Things are going fine between us,” he says, dragging his fingertips along the water. “We hang out at school, and I’ve been taking her to Monet’s and dinner whenever I go out with her.”</p>
<p>“Oh yeah?” Justin asks, eyebrows raised. “Do you guys get any time alone?”</p>
<p>“I hate you,” Clay says, shaking his head. “We hung out in the outhouse the other day when you slept inside. So yes, we’ve been getting time alone.”</p>
<p>Justin laughs, taking a break. “Look at you! I’m proud, Jensen. I didn’t think you had it in you.”</p>
<p>Clay leans back against the wall, nudging Justin’s leg with his foot underwater. “You’re the worst,” he says, smiling. “But thanks for pushing me to ask her out. It really was the right thing for me.”</p>
<p>“The last few months have been super shitty, but you deserve to be happy with her. Ani’s great, and you two go well together.”</p>
<p>Ducking his head, Clay smiles. “Thanks,” he says quietly. “What about you and Jess? Have you decided what you want for the two of you?”</p>
<p>Justin finishes the last of his exercise, sighing. “I think it’s better if I just focus on myself right now,” he says quietly. “She and I have been great as friends, and I don’t want to ruin that because I’m not who I used to be, at least not right now. Maybe when I’m totally better we can figure things out.”</p>
<p>Clay nods, nudging Justin to keep working on his exercises. “It makes sense you don’t want to lose her, especially through this. And maybe the timing will be better later. When you can go out without getting exhausted.”</p>
<p>“Seems like a dream,” he laughs, working through his exercises.</p>
<p>“Are you excited about senior night tomorrow?” Clay asks, reaching out to steady Justin when he loses his balance. “It’s a big deal, you know.”</p>
<p>Justin shrugs, slowly pulling his arm from Clay’s grasp. “It feels silly to be excited about it. I played two games all year,” he says. “I’m glad I get to go and be part of it and not miss yet another thing, but it just feels weird to think that I’m going to be honored for doing nothing this entire year.”</p>
<p>“It’s not like you quit on the team,” Clay argues. “You were out for a reason, and you deserve to be honored with them just like everyone else.”</p>
<p>Nodding, Justin waits until he can take a break before speaking up again. “I guess it’ll just be weird to be there. Watching a game, knowing that I can’t play in it, and hopefully making it to the end to see them win.”</p>
<p>Clay nods, pushing himself through the water closer to Justin. “I’ll be there the whole time. If you need me, you can just ask, okay?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, okay,” Justin nods. “Thank you. For everything. I hope you know how much I mean it.”</p>
<p>Clay smiles. “Yeah, I do,” he assures him, nudging him to continue working on his exercises.</p>
<p>When he finishes everything on the list, he doesn’t push to get out. He and Clay stay until their fingers turn to prunes and the last of the sun dips under the horizon, laughing and playing in the water like they would have as children, or as if nothing had ever happened.</p>
<p>
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</p>
<p>When Lainie thought about going to senior night for Justin, she thought about the excitement and pride that would flow through her as she stood with Justin while he was honored, watching him with excitement throughout the game.</p>
<p>She thought about the fears that she had every Friday night - Justin’s safety, namely - and how they’d be amplified that night, adrenaline and pride running through her while she watched one of the final football games of her son’s high school football career.</p>
<p>So no, the senior night that was going to happen wasn’t the senior night she had ever envisioned, but oddly, it felt like exactly where they needed to be. Because a few nights ago, if someone had told her that she would be standing in her bedroom getting ready to leave for senior night, she would’ve thought they were crazy.</p>
<p>“Justin just took his last medication, he says he’s fine, and he’s laughing with Clay,” Matt says, kissing Lainie’s temple on his way to grab something from his nightstand. “I think we’re going to make it through this night with as little drama as possible.”</p>
<p>Lainie smiles, smoothing her hands over her dress. “I feel like we need to take this slow. There’s going to be a lot of noise, bright lights, and excitement. He feels fine now, but this could go horribly wrong if we don’t check in with him. You know he’s going to push himself for as long as he can today.”</p>
<p>“I know we have to be sensitive to all of these guidelines, and I think you’re right in saying that Justin will probably not be completely honest with how he’s feeling, but I want to just have a few hours where we don’t have to worry about medication dosages or if Justin is struggling or he’s not being honest,” Matt says. “I trust him enough to come to us and tell us if he’s not feeling well, or if he needs to leave. He’s been doing so much better the last few weeks.”</p>
<p>Lainie puts in her earring, nodding. “I will take a step back, I will trust that he can come to us. But we cannot just turn our brains off and pretend this never happened. We need to still keep an eye on him, and check in if we feel that it’s appropriate. He is still our son, he’s still a child, and we need to advocate for him when he can’t or won’t advocate for himself.”</p>
<p>Matt puts his watch on his wrist, nodding. “Let’s just enjoy tonight, okay?” he smiles. “Let’s celebrate our youngest son, let him have one normal night, and if tonight is a little rougher than it has been, then that's something we’ll deal with then.”</p>
<p>Lainie nods, taking a breath and grabbing her bag, following Matt downstairs.</p>
<p>
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</p>
<p>Justin prepared himself for senior night for the last few weeks.</p>
<p>He would leave his phone on full brightness, setting it down when it got to be too much. When he and Clay watched movies he would ask to turn it up, sighing when Clay would turn it down and remind him that his brain wasn’t totally better and couldn’t handle that, as if Justin could ever forget.</p>
<p>But there was nothing that could’ve compared to standing on the track on the football field in between Matt and Lainie and next to the rest of the seniors, the lights shining and the marching band playing, Clay joining their friends in the stands. The team had given Justin posters and gifts they had been holding onto, Lainie taking them back to the car before joining them once more on the field.</p>
<p>Kerba says hello to all the kids, stopping in front of Justin. “Do you feel okay to walk on the field? I know it’s a long way, so if you just want to stand in your spot already, that’s fine,” Kerba says, looking directly at Justin instead of deferring to Matt and Lainie.</p>
<p>Justin shook his head, adjusting his jersey that he’d put back on for the first time in months over a sweatshirt. “I’ll be fine. I really want to walk with the team, just like I normally would have.”</p>
<p>Kerba smiles, reaching out and squeezing Justin’s shoulder. “You know you’re more than welcome,” he says, shaking Matt’s hand and hugging Lainie before moving to get ready.</p>
<p>When Justin would think about senior night, he used to envision standing out there alone. He thought he’d always remember every single moment, standing as his friends are honored and his mom wasn’t there to see her baby go through this, and how ashamed he thinks he probably would feel if even a fraction of that all came true.</p>
<p>As it turns out, it passes by in a blur, and Justin remembers almost none of it. He remembers the steady thrumming of his heart as they made their way down the line. He remembers the anxiety permeating through him, the way he leaned closer to Matt when he felt like his legs were going to give out. He remembers Matt’s hand firmly on the small of his back, leaning down to ask if he was okay.</p>
<p>He’d said yes, he was, and then smiled as they announced his name and the crowd cheered wildly, deafening and making his head spin slightly. He remembers his teammates cheering, yelling out for him, Kerba and Coach Patrick both hugging him as he swallowed roughly, praying he didn’t cry in front of everyone. He remembers Lainie did cry, squeezing his arm and whispering how proud she was, how lucky she was to be his mom, and how glad they were to be with him. He remembers Matt and Lainie sharing a glance around him when they were announced as his parents, both of them moving impossibly closer to him, which only made him feel better.</p>
<p>He remembers Matt smiling as he ruffles his hair, repeating the same sentiments as Lainie. He remembers squinting, the harsh lights and loud noises irritating his head, and then finding Clay standing with all of their friends by the gate, cheering louder than anyone else.</p>
<p>He remembers the feeling of being loved, being wrapped in support and care and feeling safer than he ever has before, also while somehow feeling more vulnerable than he has in a very long time. And for the first time ever, those feelings are something he never wants to forget.</p>
<p>After the ceremony, Justin decides to join Clay and their friends off to the side, where the noise isn’t as harsh and the lights are mostly facing the other way. He sits on a retaining wall between Jess and Clay, leaning back on his hands and laughing as they watch the game.</p>
<p>“I’m so glad you’re here and they got to honor you the way they had been wanting to,” Jess says when there’s a lull in the play, knocking Justin’s arm with her elbow. “Are you excited to be here?”</p>
<p>Justin nods, watching the play get started again in front of them. “Yeah, obviously,” he says. “I made this a goal a while back, but I’m glad it was one I actually made it to.”</p>
<p>Jess nods, resting her hand on his, and turns to tease Alex when Charlie makes a nice throw for a touchdown.</p>
<p>Clay takes advantage of a lull in his own conversation with Ani, turning to check on Justin. “Are you okay?” he asks quietly, doing his best to not draw attention from their friends. “Do you need me to get you anything? Or do you need Mom and Dad?”</p>
<p>“Clay,” Justin laughs, turning to look at him, “you’ve got to relax. I’m fine, and I promise you I will let you know if I need anything.”</p>
<p>Clay hesitates, nodding. “Sorry, I know. It’s just that we didn’t really ease into this, we sort of just went right into bright lights and loud noises, and I’m sure it’s a lot.”</p>
<p>“It is,” Justin admits, swallowing. “But I feel okay right now, and I’d like to keep trying to stay as long as possible.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Clay nods. “Just tell me if you need something.”</p>
<p>Nodding, Justin leans back to lay down in the grass, listening to the game. He feels Clay’s eyes on him, and as they make it to halftime, Justin reaches his hand out to Clay so he can help him up.</p>
<p>“I’m starting to get a headache,” he admits quietly. “I don’t want anything, I don’t want to leave, I just want you to know.”</p>
<p>Clay nods, glancing past Justin. “Mom and Dad are coming right now, so I’ll back you up if you decide to lie to them.”</p>
<p>“Hi, guys,” Lainie says with a smile, saying hello to their friend group before standing in front of Justin. “Are you doing okay? This is a lot of sitting up unsupported.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, taking the soft pretzel from her outstretched hand and taking a bite. “I laid down for a little while, and Clay helped me up,” he says. “I have a little bit of a headache, but I don’t want to leave and I want to try to make it to the end of the game.”</p>
<p>He’s not surprised when Lainie frowns, handing him a bottle of water. “If you still feel okay staying, then we can stay. But I don’t want you to push yourself through this.”</p>
<p>“I won’t,” Justin promises, ripping off another piece of pretzel. He offers a piece to Clay, grateful when he rips off his own section. “But I really do feel okay right now, and I’d like to stay.”</p>
<p>“Then we’ll stay,” Matt says, smiling. “We’ll be right up there if you guys need us, or you can text.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, thanking them as they turn to leave. Clay turns to him, taking another piece of pretzel. “That went better than it would have a few weeks ago.”</p>
<p>Justin laughs, taking a sip of his water. “I’m finding out that if I’m honest and then say what I want, they tend to let me just go for it. But now I can’t lie if this gets worse.”</p>
<p>“So don’t,” Clay shrugs. “I can get us out of here without our friends worrying, and we can go home and just celebrate that you made it past halftime with everything going on.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, leaning back when the team runs back onto the field. He watches, laughing and joking with their friends, and when the game ends and Liberty wins, Justin allows Clay to help him over to where the team is gathering, joining in his first post-game huddle in almost two months.</p>
<p>He stands between Charlie and Zach, grateful that no one asks him to make a postgame speech. He congratulates the guys as they make their way off, spotting Monty sitting down on the bench looking out on the field.</p>
<p>Making his way over slowly, Justin carefully lowers himself to sit down next to Monty, thanking him quietly when he reaches out to help. “You played amazing tonight.”</p>
<p>“Could’ve been better,” Monty shrugs, glancing at Justin. “It was cool you were able to come to senior night.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, leaning back and sighing. “I’m sorry only Estela came for you. You deserve better than that.”</p>
<p>Monty laughs, shaking his head. “My old man didn’t even know I had a game tonight,” he says quietly. “Mom said she’d be here, but Estela said she had something come up and that she was sorry.”</p>
<p>Justin sighs. “It really fucking sucks that they can’t even show up to support you. It’s one fucking night.”</p>
<p>“Do you expect anything less?” he asks, shaking his head. “We used to dream about this day when we were younger, remember? And you and I always thought that maybe that would be one day where they just fucking showed up for us. I mean, I guess in a way it worked out for you.”</p>
<p>“Not in the same way we dreamed of,” Justin says quietly. “And I definitely thought I’d be playing in the game, not just barely making it through watching on the sidelines.”</p>
<p>Monty shakes his head. “I didn’t mean that the way it came out,” he says quietly. “I’m glad you got adopted. I’m glad you have the Jensens, and that you got to celebrate senior night with them, even if you weren’t playing.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Justin nods. “And I still feel bad that you just had Estela there.”</p>
<p>“It was better than nothing,” Monty shrugs. He stands up, extending his hand to help Justin. “We don’t mention this to anyone else, right? The whole fucked up life thing. I told everyone my parents had double shifts.”</p>
<p>Hesitating, Justin thinks about telling Monty that everyone can see through his lie. But instead he nods, promising him that he won’t say a word.</p>
<p>The two walk off the field, Monty clapping Charlie on the back as he walks back towards the locker room, leaving Justin with Charlie and their friends with a quick goodbye.</p>
<p>“The team is still talking about you being here,” Charlie says with a smile. “They’re all so happy they were able to see you, and that you felt up to joining us in the final huddle. I hope you know that.”</p>
<p>“Judging by the amount of posters and gifts they gave me when we got here, I definitely know that,” he laughs. “You looked pretty great out there.”</p>
<p>Charlie ducks his head, smiling. “I worked in some of those running plays you suggested a while ago. I know we’ve been doing them all year, but since you were here watching, I figured you’d want to see how well they work.”</p>
<p>“I’m honored you showed off for me,” Justin smiles. “And I knew those running plays were always the best option. You’re deceiving, Charlie. You can run faster than most people realize, and it fools them every time.”</p>
<p>“Exactly,” Charlie smiles. “Kerba agrees with you, so he threw a few more in. We’re planning to use those plays in the last few games of the season.”</p>
<p>Smiling, Justin shifts uncomfortably on his feet. “You’ll have to let me know how it goes, okay?” he says, glancing at Matt beside him.</p>
<p>“I will,” Charlie promises.</p>
<p>“We should probably get going,” Matt announces, looking around to his family. “It’s been a long day, but you guys all know you’re more than welcome to come over whenever you'd like.”</p>
<p>All of them nod, saying their goodbyes as Charlie turns to Justin. “Can I hug you?” he asks.</p>
<p>Justin laughs, startled at the question before he nods. “Just don’t like, squeeze me or whatever.”</p>
<p>Nodding, Charlie hugs Justin carefully. “I’m really glad you were here tonight,” he mumbles, letting go. “We’ll all hang out as a group soon?”</p>
<p>“Please,” Justin nods, saying goodbye to the rest of their friends, hugging Jess before they make their way back to the car.</p>
<p>Lainie waits until they’re out of the parking lot, looking back into the backseat, where Justin’s hands drum on the seat between him and Clay. “Tonight was a good night, huh?” she says with a smile, looking between both of her boys. “Are you okay, love?”</p>
<p>Justin moves his head off of the window. “My head just hurts,” he says quietly. “It does feel good to get out. And it was a really good night. Thanks for letting me go.”</p>
<p>“Of course, sweetheart,” Lainie smiles, turning to sit normally. “You can have your medication when we get home, and then I think it’s best if we just call it a night. Don’t you agree?”</p>
<p>“Definitely,” Justin nods, sighing.</p>
<p>He closes his eyes and smiles as Clay reaches out, squeezing his hand.</p>
<p>For a while, Justin dreamed about the day he would feel normal again. He would dream about the day he could hang out with his friends outside of the house, be around loud noises and cheers and the comfort of his teammates again.</p>
<p>He always assumed it would be months. He figured he’d need time to heal, to adjust to everything life had thrown at him. He didn’t want to ever get his hopes up that something like this could happen now.</p>
<p>But now, as he drives back home with his family after hours of hanging out with his friends and just feeling normal, Justin finally feels he has the strength to believe that one day this will all turn, and all of these hard nights and painstaking worries that he had that maybe nothing would ever get better can be pushed to the wayside.</p>
<p>For the first time in months, Justin actually believes that things will be okay.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you guys for reading!</p>
<p>next week will feature more family therapy, a thanksgiving celebration, and Justin returning to school :)</p>
<p>see you next Friday!</p>
<p>title of the chapter is from More by 5 Seconds of Summer</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. we'll always know what kept us here</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>everyone goes to family therapy, Thanksgiving celebrations with Lainie's family, Justin returns to school, and the family celebrates a slice of normalcy.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“A lot has happened the last few weeks, and I think it’s beneficial that we take some time to discuss how you’ve been doing,” Dr. Sales begins the session, looking at Justin. “Would you like to talk about anything in particular?”</p><p>Justin, who had initially asked if they could postpone the family therapy session because he didn’t feel like talking, sighs. “I’ve done better about not shutting everyone off and talking through how I felt after the trial. And I’m still working on being totally and completely honest.”</p><p>“How do you think that’s going?” she asks, and for a moment, Justin wonders if it’s just him that feels the shift in the family therapy, the sudden need to push Justin’s feelings more to the forefront. “Do you feel that it’s been beneficial feeling comfortable to share?”</p><p>“I always knew it would feel good to be open and honest about how I’m feeling, it was never that I thought I would hate being open,” he clarifies, tapping his fingers against his thigh. “None of them have ever made me feel uncomfortable about talking about how I feel, I just never had the opportunity to say anything about myself when I was little, so it’s hard for me to remember sometimes that it’s okay to be something other than happy or eager to please someone.”</p><p>Dr. Sales nods, turning to the rest of the family. “Do you see a difference in Justin? Not even just since the accident, this can include since he came to stay with you guys,” she says.</p><p>“It’s night and day,” Matt says, speaking first. He smiles at Justin, turning back to look at Dr. Sales. “Justin was so quiet and kept to himself when he first came to live with us. As he’s gotten older and more comfortable, he’s grown with sharing how he feels. We don’t expect it to be perfect all the time, but it’s a big step for him, especially in a short amount of time.”</p><p>“If this had happened just after we welcomed him into our home, I’m confident he wouldn’t have been this open about how he’s feeling or what he needs,” Lainie adds. “Time has given us this ability. He knows us better now, and he knows we want to help.”</p><p>“Clay, do you think Justin has been doing better?” Dr. Sales asks, breaking Clay from his trance.</p><p>Clay shrugs, looking at Justin. “He’s always been honest with me. Like, brutally honest about how he’s feeling and how he’s doing. This isn’t… it’s not a change for me,” he says. “But I think he’s been a lot better about telling our parents how he’s feeling.”</p><p>Justin sinks back into the chair, only participating when they discuss where they go moving forward. “I used to feel like asking for help or sharing how I really feel would make them wish they didn’t adopt me or welcome me into their home,” he shares, shrugging. “But I’ve been good about pushing back those feelings and sharing it, even when it feels wrong or like I made a mistake after I’ve said it.”</p><p>“How has it been since the trial?” she asks, pushing Justin to talk. “Have you focused on sharing how you feel about the trial?”</p><p>Sighing, Justin shrugs. “It’s been good and bad,” he admits. “I’ve been sharing as much as I can, but I don’t really like talking about the trial at all, so there isn’t that much to share anymore.”</p><p>Lainie frowns, stepping in. “Justin has been open about his thoughts and feelings surrounding the trial, but as it was a sensitive time and subject, we are proud of how much he did tell us, and how he didn’t hole up or hide away from us when he needed us to help.”</p><p>“Do you feel like he’s shared everything with you guys?” Dr. Sales asks.</p><p>Lainie glances at her youngest son, who looks defeated and tired, glancing from her gaze down to his lap. “I have no reason to believe that he hasn’t,” she says confidently, smiling. “Justin has been through so much in his life, and getting him to where he is hasn’t been easy, but he’s never stopped putting in the work, and we never stopped proving to him that we are not going anywhere, and he can tell us anything he feels the need to share.”</p><p>Dr. Sales nods, pausing. “I think we should make this week’s focus on all of you sharing more about how you’re feeling. Obviously you still have a lot coming up with the next trial, and it’s imperative that the lines of communication are open for all of you.”</p><p>“This is something we’ve been working on for a while, so it’ll be good to have a moment to just focus on this completely,” Matt says. “Is there a specific way to make sure we’re making the most of this?”</p><p>Dr. Sales smiles, closing her notebook. “There’s no right or wrong way for a family to communicate with each other. While I know that you all have had the dialogue and the connection for communication open for a while, I suspect there’s still things that you’re all hiding away from each other. Work to open those dialogues, those worries or fears that you tuck away or only share with certain people,” she explains. “Some of my clients have found that family meetings have worked, or talking over dinner, where there’s other distractions. Whatever you feel is comfortable.”</p><p>Matt nods, allowing his family to finish up the session as they walk out of the office, Justin falling into step beside him. “She was pushier than normal today with me,” he comments, sighing. “I didn’t feel like talking, and I think she knew that.”</p><p>Laughing, Matt nods. “I know it hasn’t been a good day, but you’re right, she did seem to push you more than she normally does,” he agrees. “But about her encouraging us to open up, would you be okay talking about how we’re feeling about the trial tonight at dinner?” he asks carefully, watching Justin for a reaction.</p><p>Justin nods. “I’m okay with talking to you guys, I think it was just the thought of having to be so honest with her today. We can talk tonight at dinner, do the homework now.”</p><p>“Let’s not think of it as homework,” he smiles. “Let’s look at it as we’re making this easier on ourselves by knowing exactly what someone else in the family needs.”</p><p>Justin rolls his eyes, nodding as they catch up to Lainie and Clay. “Yeah, sure, whatever,” he laughs, climbing in the backseat with his brother.</p><p>
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</p><p>Sitting around the table, Matt waits until everyone has begun eating before speaking. “I think we should start talking about how we’re feeling with the upcoming trial,” he says, looking around the table.</p><p>Lainie looks up from her plate, eyes widening. “Honey, I don’t think -”</p><p>“Matt already asked me if I’d be okay with it, and I am,” Justin says before she can protest, smiling as he mashes his rice under his fork. “I’m nervous that Seth won’t actually get convicted of anything. That the judge will see what they gave to my mom and think that’ll work for him.”</p><p>Lainie, resisting the urge to reassure Justin that it’s highly unlikely that will take place as Amber’s trial won’t come up, speaks up next. “I’m worried that the conviction won’t be what we’re expecting, and even though he’ll be sentenced, it’ll still make my family feel unsafe in a way.”</p><p>“I’m worried that my victim impact statement will end up doing more harm than good,” Clay says, taking a bite of his food before anyone asks him to elaborate.</p><p>Matt takes a breath, resting his hands on the table. “I’m worried that when the time comes to hear Seth’s sentencing, I’m not going to be able to adequately protect my sons, or make them feel like they can come to me if they need to talk.”</p><p>For a moment, the only sound is the room is everyone’s forks hitting their plates and Clay’s cup hitting the table. It’s Justin who breaks the silence, laughing as he sets his fork down. “Okay, so we all shared something we’re nervous about, but how do we fix it?” he asks.</p><p>Matt smiles. “Well, I guess if anyone has any suggestions, we could just voice them now?” he tries, shrugging. “There’s no real road map to this.”</p><p>“Justin, honey, I need you to know that the judge will not take the outcome of your mother’s case into consideration,” Lainie says immediately, relieved that she was able to say it. “Is there a specific reason why you feel that way?”</p><p>Justin sighs. “Seth’s gotten away with everything. He’s mentioned in my CPS file once or twice, even though I told the social workers that it was him every time, and the cops can say that they questioned him when they got there. If they wouldn’t even put him in there every time because he wasn’t charged with something, what’s stopping the courts from saying that they’re just going to let him off with probation or rehab or something now?”</p><p>“What he did to you before was horrible, Justin, and I in no way condone or agree with the fact that he was never charged,” Lainie says firmly. “But the fact that he was arrested at the scene, he confessed to this crime, and we have witnesses who could ID him in a lineup if needed gives me every hope that he will be prosecuted. It’s just about making sure he gets the absolute full sentence, which we have every indication that he will.”</p><p>Justin nods, forcing himself to take another bite of rice. “But what happens if he doesn’t?” he asks quietly. “What if he isn’t guilty at all, and they let him out of jail?”</p><p>Lainie hesitates, glancing at Matt helplessly. She tried to reinforce thinking positively with both of her boys, reminding them that thinking in worst-case scenarios can only induce anxiety further, but she knows this isn’t an instance where Justin can help it.</p><p>She rests her hand on the table, extending towards him. “If for some reason he is not convicted of any of these crimes, we will do everything in our power to keep you safe,” she says softly. “We will file a restraining order, we will make sure we know where he’s living and make sure that he is never allowed near you under any circumstances. You and Clay will always drive to school, and if needed, we can have Mr. Standall assist with monitoring that Seth doesn’t come around school grounds, although being near you anywhere - not just in this house - will be a violation of a restraining order.”</p><p>“We are already going to be notified when he’s released from custody, kiddo, they have an obligation to let us know,” Matt chimes in, voice calm and reassuring. “So even if and when he is convicted, we will be notified when he’s released from serving his sentence.”</p><p>Justin blows out a breath, reaching for his drink. “Okay, yeah, that works,” he nods, looking up at them. “Can we move onto someone else?”</p><p>Lainie nods, turning to Clay. “Clay, honey, victim impact statements almost always help the courts in deciphering what happened. The only way it would be detrimental to the case is if you just accused Seth of everything and placed all the blame on him,” she explains. “But your victim impact statement is discussing directly what you boys went through, and even though you mention Seth by name, he’s already confessed, so the courts will be able to understand how you were both affected.”</p><p>“And if it’s horrible, you’ll help me rewrite it?” he asks, looking at her. “Because I want to make sure we don’t ever have to worry about Justin’s worries coming true. I don’t want to worry about Seth getting out way sooner than he should.”</p><p>Pulling her hands back into her lap, Lainie nods. “If there’s anything I think needs to be changed or worded better, I will tell you. We will figure out how to make it the best it can possibly be, but you boys don’t need to worry about what happens after the trial, okay?”</p><p>Both Justin and Clay nod, and Justin turns and looks at Matt and Lainie. “I don’t ever feel unsafe with you guys, I hope you know that,” he says quietly. “I know that no matter what happens, both of you will make sure that Clay and I are safe and taken care of. I don’t… I worry that Seth won’t be punished for what he did, but I also know that even if he doesn’t get sent to jail, you will make sure that he isn’t allowed anywhere near us.”</p><p>Matt reaches for his glass of wine, smiling. “I’m glad you understand that we will always do everything we can to protect you both,” he says, turning to Clay. “Clay, you also understand this, yes?”</p><p>“Yes,” Clay nods. “I’m more worried about Justin not being safe. Seth didn’t do anything to me.”</p><p>“He made you watch,” Justin says. “That alone is enough. I’m sure he knew that you’re who I’ve been living with, and if he can’t hurt both of us, he’d rather make me suffer and you watch. It’s just how he is.”</p><p>Clay drops his fork on his plate. “I couldn’t keep you safe then, so how are we going to be safe here? If he’s out, how do I feel safe if I know that you don’t feel the same?”</p><p>“There’s a slim chance that Seth will be released from prison. I just want everyone to be reminded of that,” Lainie says.</p><p>“Clay,” Justin says, his voice strained and clipped. “I feel so safe in this house. I don’t feel like something is going to happen to me regardless of where Seth is. And if he ends up not having to serve any time, then I know Matt and Lainie will do everything we need to do to make sure he can’t come anywhere near us.”</p><p>Justin reaches out towards Clay, resting his hand on his arm. “You don’t have to worry for me, okay? You do enough worrying for yourself, don’t add my own issues onto it.”</p><p>Clay ducks his head. “I always worry about you,” he mumbles. “I can’t just stop now.”</p><p>“Try then,” he says. “You learned to not take the lead in my recovery, you can learn not to worry so much about me, especially in a scenario we aren’t even sure is going to come true.”</p><p>“Yeah, but what if it does?”</p><p>“Then we talk about it later, when we know it’s for real and we have to change or do things to make us safer,” Justin shrugs.</p><p>Lainie holds her breath, looking between both of her boys. The way Justin phrases things - so simple, so easy to understand for Clay - both breaks her heart and fills her with pride. She knows that reassuring Clay isn’t Justin’s burden to bear, and while she knows this is where she or Matt should step in, she knows their words wouldn’t mean nearly as much to Clay as Justin’s words do.</p><p>Clay does agree with Justin’s proposal, and as the conversation slowly shifts to the upcoming Thanksgiving break, it’s like she can feel the air fill the room once more.</p><p>
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</p><p>It was Justin who requested that Evie’s family and Lainie’s parents join them for Thanksgiving.</p><p>Lainie had been set to celebrate Thanksgiving with just the four of them, grateful that they were in a place where they even felt up to celebrating the holiday. She had been prepared to cook a smaller dinner, focusing on Justin’s ever-increasing appetite as he weans off medication and his stomach continues to recover.</p><p>“I don’t want this to feel like a lame Thanksgiving,” he said one afternoon as he worked on his schoolwork beside her. “You said that you always have Thanksgiving with your family, and you know if we skip it this year it’ll just be the four of us with a small, sad Thanksgiving.”</p><p>Lainie couldn’t help but laugh, shaking her head. “I don’t think Thanksgiving would be sad with just the four of us, but if Dad agrees that we shouldn’t skip Thanksgiving, we’ll host it. That way if you need to take a break, you can go lay down or go upstairs and be comfortable,” she says. “It also means no long car ride, which I’m not totally sure you could handle quite yet.”</p><p>Justin nods, pushing his fingers through his hair. “I think that works,” he agrees. “As long as you don’t mind cooking for everyone.”</p><p>“It was our year to host anyway, and you know Dad will be more than up for the task of cooking for everyone.”</p><p>Justin breaks out into a grin, nodding. “I’ll help since this is my idea,” he says quickly.</p><p>“You are more than welcome to help him,” she smiles. “And we’ll make it the best Thanksgiving, okay? Especially after the last few months.”</p><p>“I’d like that,” he says, focusing back on his schoolwork.</p><p>
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</p><p>The Jensen household comes to life when everyone arrives, settling in in the living room as everyone catches up. Lainie’s parents spend extra time with Justin, apologizing for not coming to visit him as he was recovering.</p><p>“We know it was a tough few months for you, and your grandfather and I didn’t want to be in the way or make you feel uncomfortable,” Lainie’s mother, Marcia, smiles. “I hope you didn’t take just our phone calls for not wanting to do anything else.”</p><p>“I didn’t,” Justin smiles, leaning back against the sofa. “Lainie told me that you guys wanted to come, but didn’t want to be in the way. It was probably better that you didn’t see me like that, anyway,” he shrugs.</p><p>“We’re so glad to see how much better you’re doing now. And you’re starting school on Monday?” Lainies’ father, Michael, asks, smiling when Justin nods eagerly. “To recover enough from everything you’ve been through to feel well enough to go to school is remarkable.”</p><p>“It’s only for a half day at first,” Justin smiles sheepishly. “I couldn’t handle full days yet. It’s hard enough to make it through a half day working here when I’m just with Matt or Lainie.”</p><p>Michael smiles, patting Justin’s knee carefully. “You’ll make it through,” he assures him. “And if you don’t, you know it’s just as acceptable to keep homeschooling until you feel totally okay with being home. There’s nothing more that Lainie loves than getting to be a mom, and she’d be more than happy to continue working from home and helping you with your schoolwork.”</p><p>Justin smiles, staring down at his laps as the heat creeps up his cheeks. “I feel bad that she can’t just go to work full-time because I can’t be alone right now.”</p><p>“Do you think she’s worried about that?” Marcia asks, smiling. “Honey, getting to be your mother is her absolute favorite thing. If working from home for the rest of the school year was what you needed to get better, she would do it in a heartbeat. I hope you know that, Justin. I hope you know how much she just wants to make sure you’re healthy and happy. That’s all any of them want, I hope you know.”</p><p>“I do,” he promises, and when Matt announces that dinner is ready, Justin stands and finds his place at the table next to Clay.</p><p>Lainie sits at her seat in between Justin and Matt and can’t help but be overcome with emotion. What was meant to be the four of them celebrating making it to Thanksgiving had turned into a dinner for 10 people, Evie and her family and her parents enthusiastically agreeing to join them last minute when they learned that Justin was feeling up to a big family celebration.</p><p>As they sat around the table laughing and passing plates and enjoying each other’s company for the first time since the end of summer, Lainie welcomed the sense of normalcy. She welcomed her youngest son sitting beside her, piling his plate enthusiastically despite knowing he wouldn’t be able to eat it all.</p><p>She doesn’t stress about how Justin will feel after this, or if he’ll push himself too hard to accommodate the family visiting for the first time in months. For the first time since before the attack, she doesn’t let herself think about the worst case scenario.</p><p>In the break between dinner and dessert, Justin and Clay offer to help clear the table. “Do you need a break?” Clay asks his brother quietly, relieved when he nods and steps out onto the back patio.</p><p>Justin takes solace in the quiet, sitting down carefully in a chair on the patio and tipping his head back, staring up at the pink sky and the light dusting of clouds.</p><p>“Your mom told me I could find you out here,” Evie says, announcing her presence as she walks down the steps and joins Justin at the table. “You doing okay? Do you need anything?”</p><p>Justin lifts his head, smiling. “I’m okay for right now,” he promises. “You didn’t need to come out here.”</p><p>“I know, but I wanted a minute alone with you, and I know I’m not going to get it the second we walk back inside,” she smiles. “Honey, I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you, and how glad I am to see how much better you’re doing. If I think back to how I left you a few months ago, it’s night and day.”</p><p>Blushing, Justin smiles. “Thanks,” he says quietly. “I still feel like I have a long way to go.”</p><p>“Who cares?” Evie says, laughing. “Justin, honey, you are recovering from a serious attack. You’ve learned to walk, to be independent, to learn how to navigate this new normal. You’ve gone from needing help with everything to clearing the table at Thanksgiving, you stood up and testified at a trial, and you’ve gone from no school, to homeschool, to returning to school on Monday. So who cares if there’s still a long way to go or if you feel like this is a never ending recovery? Think about how far you’ve come, sweetheart. Let’s spend at least one day celebrating that, and worry about the rest later.”</p><p>“Okay, yeah, you’re right,” he agrees. “Thank you for being there for me. And for answering the phone when I call. I know I call late sometimes.”</p><p>“You can call whenever you need me, you know that,” she smiles. “We all just want to help, sweetheart, even if that means you just need someone to complain to.”</p><p>“I know,” Justin nods, resisting the urge to thank her again.</p><p>Evie pauses, waiting a moment before talking again. “We don’t need to talk about the trial, but it’s been a few weeks. How are you feeling about how it went?”</p><p>Justin sighs, smoothing his hand over the pleat in his dress pants he’d insisted on wearing. “I’m coming to terms with it every day,” he says, looking back at her. “I’ve talked to Dr. Ellman a lot about it, and I know that her reaction can’t mean much because she was acting out of anger. All I can do is look at the benefits of her going to rehab and hope that she feels the same when she gets out.”</p><p>Evie nods, reaching out and rubbing his shoulder. “I know it’s not easy to feel that your mother is upset with you, but sweetheart, you did what you felt was right. No one will ever blame you for that,” she promises. “She can be as angry with you as she wants, but you got her the help she’s needed for a very long time.”</p><p>Justin nods, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth. “I just wish she saw that I did it because I love her.”</p><p>“Let’s hope she does one day,” she says quietly, standing up and kissing the top of his head. “And you know that whatever happens with Seth’s trial, you are always safe and loved and protected in this family, yes? You are always one of us, and even if the worst case scenario happens, Matt and Lainie will move heaven and earth to keep you safe, and we will all be there to support them,” she says.</p><p>Justin nods. “I know,” he mumbles. “I really can’t thank you all enough for helping me through this.”</p><p>“It’s what a family is, Justin. Being there for you when you need us the most,” she promises, running her fingers through his hair. “Now, your uncle Nick is in the kitchen helping get dessert out, and I’m confident that if we don’t return soon, we’ll be relegated to eating the pecan pie no one, except your grandparents, actually eats.”</p><p>Laughing, Justin stands and follows her back into the house, reveling in the last few hours with their extended family there, thankful that for one day he could finally feel totally normal.</p><p>
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</p><p>On Clay’s first day of kindergarten, Lainie managed to make it the entire morning with her heart lodged in her throat and the tears firmly stuck behind her eyes, letting them go once she was safely back in Matt’s car, Clay having largely ignored her when she dropped him off.</p><p>Justin’s first day back at school feels a lot like that, only he’s 17 and he’s just as anxious as she is about it, spending the morning eating the bare minimum breakfast that would pass for him to take his medication.</p><p>“Justin, love, if this doesn’t feel right, we don’t have to start today. You can homeschool until you feel ready,” Lainie says, grabbing her mug of tea from the counter and joining him at the table.</p><p>Justin forces himself to take a bite of egg, sighing. “I’m never going to feel ready,” he admits. “I want to just rip the bandaid off and do it, but if I can’t make it, I can call, right?”</p><p>Lainie’s face softens as she reaches out to rest her hand on his arm. “You can always call, you know that,” she promises. “If you need to come home earlier, you can call me and I will come get you, okay? We’ll take this as slow as you need.”</p><p>“Class by class,” Justin mumbles, blowing out a breath as he stabs another piece of egg.</p><p>“Class by class,” Lainie reassures, squeezing his arm before pulling away.</p><p>Justin does eventually finish his plate, taking his medication and standing, grabbing his backpack off the back of his chair. “I’ll call you if I need you earlier,” he says, letting Lainie hug him.</p><p>“I’ll be right outside at 11:30, okay?” she promises, following them to the back door, watching as they walk through the backyard and out to Clay’s car.</p><p>She presses herself back against Matt as they watch the boys pull out of the driveway, her heart hammering and her palms clammy. “I know this is the right thing, I know he’s right and we just need to rip the bandaid off. But I didn’t think I’d feel this anxious.”</p><p>Matt presses his lips to the top of her head. “We have so many people looking out for him at school. His teachers were all briefed, the nurse is aware of what he needs, and Clay has standing permission to leave class if Justin needs him. His friends are there, and we have to believe that with all that support, he’ll be fine.”</p><p>Lainie blows out a breath, brushing her hands against her pants. “It’s just another thing to adjust to.”</p><p>She busies herself by cleaning the kitchen and checking on her work emails, but as she watches the minutes pass by and her work opens on her laptop with hardly any amendments, she accepts that this morning is going to be the least productive day she’s had in a long time.</p><p>
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</p><p>There were a lot of things Justin couldn’t prepare himself for when he began thinking about returning to school.</p><p>The constant chatter around him, people walking quickly and squeezing past each other in the halls to get to class.</p><p>His backpack resting heavy on his back despite the fact that it’s mostly empty, or the way his legs sort of feel like lead as he walks beside Clay towards their lockers.</p><p>His friends that are overjoyed to see him, hugging him carefully and saying how happy they were to finally have him back in school.</p><p>The stares the rest of the students give him, not nasty or accusatory, but sympathetic or surprising. All of them clearly knew what had happened and just how bad it was, and Justin, who had spent most of the last few months relearning everything for this exact moment, suddenly realized has sequestered he had been from the rest of his peers, not including the odd nights he spent with his friends when he was feeling okay.</p><p>Clay leans against the lockers beside Justin’s, watching him as he looks at everything he left in there almost two months ago. “If you don’t want to do this, there’s no shame in going home now,” Clay says quietly, studying his brother’s face.</p><p>“I do want this,” Justin sighs, shutting the door to his locker. “I just didn’t think about how everyone was going to know and they were going to look at me like I’m made of glass or whatever.”</p><p>Clay looks around, the few people lingering quickly looking away. “They were like that the first day I came back, too,” he says, hoping it brings him comfort. “They’ll stop, and it’ll feel a little more normal. If they don’t stop, then you have all of our friends ready to make them stop.”</p><p>Nodding, Justin glances at his phone. “My first class is down by the gym, want to walk to Kerba’s office with me?”</p><p>Rolling his eyes, Clay smiles. “Sure, let’s go.”</p><p>They’re surprised to find Zach and Charlie sitting in Kerba’s office, Charlie immediately standing to give Justin his chair.</p><p>Justin smirks. “You don’t have to treat me like I’m fragile,” he comments, but sits down anyway and lays his hand over his stomach.</p><p>“I heard rumors you were returning today,” Kerba smiles. “It’s good to see you back here, man. How are you feeling?”</p><p>Justin shrugs, picking at his fingers. “I’m just nervous about today. It doesn’t help that everyone keeps looking at me,” he says. “But I think I’m ready for this and I’m only staying for half the day, so hopefully it’ll be fine.”</p><p>“It will be,” Kerba smiles. “If you need some time to breathe, my door is always open.”</p><p>Laughing, Justin forces himself to sit up. “Yeah, I think the point of me saying I’m ready to be back in school means I actually have to go to class,” he smirks. Reaching out for Clay, he allows him to help him stand up. “I’ll come visit whenever I’m here, though.”</p><p>“I look forward to it,” Kerba smiles, setting his things down on his desk. “All of you guys need to get class. Have a good day.”</p><p>The boys all say their goodbyes, and as Zach assures Clay he’ll get Justin to his class safely, Clay turns and looks at Justin. “Text me if you need anything. Let Mom know if you need to leave. I’m not that far, I can come make sure you’re okay in the meantime if you need me.”</p><p>Justin laughs, pushing Clay’s shoulder. “Go to class. I’ll be fine,” he promises. “And if I’m not, I’ll text you, I promise. I’ll even text you when I’m in Lainie’s car, okay?”</p><p>Clay nods, trying to relax. “Yeah, okay. Have a good day.”</p><p>“You, too,” Justin says, turning back and walking with Zach towards their classes.</p><p>Sitting down in his normal chair near the front, smiling at people who say hi and thanking his teacher when she excuses him from the assignment in class and allows him to work on his makeup work, Justin slowly begins to feel normal once more, hoping that this is the sign of things changing and his anxiety will slowly dissipate.</p><p>
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</p><p>When Lainie picked Clay up from kindergarten, she stood on the sidewalk amongst other anxious moms, talking and filling the time until their kids came running out of school. She remembers the relief that flowed through her when Clay ran down the steps and straight to her, flying straight into a story about his new friends and the projects they did on their first day.</p><p>As she sits in her car in front of school watching Justin walk slowly towards her, she feels similar relief. He’s walking almost normally, he’s got a smile on his face, and her fear that they had pushed him too hard or rushed him into this almost feels silly now as she looks at him.</p><p>“Hi, love,” she says warmly when he slowly sits down in the passenger seat. “How did it go?”</p><p>“Way better than I thought it would,” he smiles, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. “I only needed to take a minute in history, but I just went to the bathroom and took a breath, and I felt okay.”</p><p>Lainie pulls back onto the road, feeling herself relax only slightly. “Did you just take it class by class?”</p><p>Justin nods, readjusting the way he’s sitting carefully. “I just focused on the class I was in, I walked with a friend or Clay to my next class, and only focused on where I was.”</p><p>Smiling, Lainie glances over at him. “Oh sweetheart, I’m so proud of you,” she smiles, grateful for her sunglasses that block the tears forming from Justin. “How’s your pain?”</p><p>“Eh,” he admits quietly after a moment. “I kind of have a headache and my stomach hurts a little more than normal, but I was sitting in a hard chair with almost no support, so I kind of braced myself for it.”</p><p>Lainie sighs, dropping her head as they come to a stoplight. “I didn’t even think about the seats,” she admits quietly, feeling Justin turn to look at her.</p><p>“I didn’t either,” he says. “I don’t blame you. You have done so much to help me even get back to this point. I don’t… that’s such a small thing to get hung up on, and I’m okay, really.”</p><p>“We should’ve thought of it, though,” Lainie says as she continues driving. “Your dad and I, it should’ve come up in conversation.”</p><p>Justin shakes his head. “Why? We had a million other things to worry about, like if I could make it off medication or carry anything or even have the strength to sit through classes. How were we supposed to remember to think of something as stupid as the seats? I’ve been sitting at the dining room table for almost a month, and they’re similar.”</p><p>“Our chairs are padded,” Lainie reminds him, shaking her head. “Do you want to ask if you can sit in a different chair, or maybe bring a pillow or something?”</p><p>Unbuckling his seatbelt, Justin shakes his head. “I’ll get used to these chairs, and I don’t want any special treatment or another reason for people to look at me differently,” he says, carefully stepping out of the car. “I promise it’s fine, Lainie. I’ll adjust.”</p><p>“I just wish you didn’t have to adjust so much,” she sighs. “I want you to be as comfortable as possible, and this is a big transition. We shouldn’t have to add on more difficulties to an already big change.”</p><p>Justin sets his bag on a chair in the kitchen, sitting down. “I’ll get used to it. I don’t want to be treated any differently. Can we not make a big deal about this?”</p><p>Lainie turns her back to Justin, reaching for the noodles in the cabinet to make both of them lunch. “Okay, we won’t make a big deal about this,” she concedes, glancing back at him. “But you promise if it continues hurting or you’re still uncomfortable, you’ll tell me and we can look into making arrangements?”</p><p>She doesn’t miss the smile that passes his face. “Yeah, sure. If it becomes more of an issue, I’ll let you know.”</p><p>“That’s all I ask,” she smiles, turning on the burner to make their noodles. “So, we’ll eat lunch, you can have your medication, and we can either do school or you can take a nap and relax until Clay gets home.”</p><p>Contemplating it for a moment, Justin smiles. “I want to try to do school, and then I’ll take a nap.”</p><p>Satisfied with his decision, Lainie nods, listening to Justin talk about his morning at school and everyone he saw.</p><p>
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</p><p>Somehow, they make it through the week.</p><p>Somehow, Lainie spends the entirety of Tuesday in the office, relying on Matt’s updates and Justin’s infrequent texts to tell her how he made it through the afternoon. She forces herself to stick to the routine they’ve had of alternating days at work, and when they get to Friday and she finishes her last bit of work as Justin finishes an assignment for one of his afternoon classes, she finally feels like she can breathe.</p><p>“We made it through week one,” she smiles, signing off on Justin's homework assignment after checking it over. “How do you feel?”</p><p>“Surprisingly good,” Justin smiles, stretching carefully. “I’m proud of myself for making it through the week and not missing any classes in person.”</p><p>Lainie stands, organizing her things and kissing the top of his head. “You should be very proud of yourself, sweetheart. You worked hard.”</p><p>Nodding, Justin stands up and follows her back into the kitchen. “Do you think maybe we could all go to the pool today?” he asks, putting his things in his backpack. “I want to show you guys how hard I’ve been working with Clay.”</p><p>Surprised, Lainie turns back and looks at him. “Of course we can. I’ll tell Matt our new plans right now so he knows what we’re doing tonight,” she says, grabbing her phone off the counter. “Maybe we can go out for dinner? Celebrate a successful first week that we all survived?”</p><p>“Yeah, okay,” he smiles, accepting the snack from Lainie and pouring himself some juice. “It’ll be nice to go out and do something normal.”</p><p>Their conversation stops when Clay walks in, dropping his bag by the back door to take to the outhouse and grabbing his own snack.</p><p>“We’re going out to dinner tonight, and then we’re going to the pool so Matt and Lainie can see how well pool therapy is going,” Justin informs him, kicking Clay’s leg under the table. “I won’t be annoying about doing the exercises today.”</p><p>“Of course you won’t,” Clay says, but he’s smiling as he takes a bite of his granola bar. “Magically you’ll all of a sudden decide you love doing all the exercises and I won’t have to bribe you to do them.”</p><p>“Is you being annoyed about the exercises really that far off from how you are at your normal physical therapy appointments?” Lainie teases, laughing when Justin laughs and rolls his eyes.</p><p>Lainie savors the moment of a normal afternoon with both of her boys, eager to celebrate the first week of a huge step in returning to normal.</p><p>
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</p><p>Deciding that eating dinner would be better after going to the pool in case Justin ended up not feeling well after eating food from a restaurant, Matt and Lainie settle in on chairs by the waters edge, their boys standing in front of them getting ready to get in the pool.</p><p>Lainie watches Justin toy with the hem of his t-shirt, looking around at the two of the families in the shallow end. “Have you taken your shirt off before?” she asks.</p><p>Justin’s eyes snap to her, shaking his head. “But people are going to have to see them eventually, right?” he says quietly, shifting his weight on his feet. “I just don’t want people to stare.”</p><p>“You don’t have to worry about that, they’re so distracted,” Clay says, looking over at the other people. “Besides, you don’t have to tell anyone anything if you don’t want to. It’s your body, you talk about them when you’re ready.”</p><p>Justin nods, lifting his shirt up slowly. Sensing his hesitation, Matt leans forward. “Kiddo, if getting in in your t-shirt makes you feel most comfortable, then go ahead. We want you to do whatever you feel is best.”</p><p>Waiting a moment, Justin makes sure the other families aren’t watching before pulling his shirt off. Lainie looks at the scars, now a light purple and almost fully healed, and thinks back to those first nights in the hospital.</p><p>The nights where she watched the nurses tend to the incisions with such ease and care. Those first few nights that were full of so much uncertainty. Those first few nights where a chest tube helped clear fluids from around Justin’s lung just so he could breathe.</p><p>She watches Justin and Clay slide into the pool and thinks about the nights where she wondered if they’d ever do anything like this again. Where she worried that Justin would become a shell of himself, and her once athletic son would have to turn the page and figure out what came next if anything athletic couldn’t be in the picture.</p><p>But as she sits here watching her oldest son help her youngest with his therapy exercises, the determination evident on Justin’s face as he works through difficult exercises, she realizes that they are all more than okay. That all those dark nights, the long hours of adjusting to lesser pain medication and reduced sleep and recovery setbacks were just a bump in a very long road, a road that is beginning to have a light at the end of the tunnel.</p><p>“Do you ever look back and wonder if we’re too protective of Justin?” Lainie asks quietly, her hand clasped in Matt’s as they both watch with pride. “We’ve almost put him in a bubble the last few months, and while it was absolutely necessary in the beginning, maybe this is where we stop being so apprehensive about giving him freedom. Maybe now we let him hang out with his friends whenever he wants and we trust that if he needs us, he’ll let us know.”</p><p>Matt breathes, squeezing her hand. “I think it’s time we start trusting him fully. If he asks to do things, we let him go and trust that he’s not pushing himself. He’s proven that he asks for us when he needs it,” he says. “This is where we start moving forward.”</p><p>Lainie nods, leaning back and watching as Justin and Clay work through Justin’s exercises, reaching for Justin’s towel when they finally get out.</p><p>“You really like this therapy, don’t you?” she asks, watching him dry his scars carefully. “You did amazing, love. You know how proud we are, right?”</p><p>Justin hides his smile behind the towel as he dries off his hair, shrugging. “It hurts a little bit after, but it’s easier to stretch the muscles in the water because I’m weightless,” he shrugs. “I like both therapies because I finally feel like I’m getting stronger. I’m starting to feel like my old self, even if I may never get totally back to that person.”</p><p>“You are definitely getting stronger,” Lainie nods, standing and handing him his t-shirt when he’s finished. “There’s no reason why you can’t get back to your old self, but just because this feels good and it’s helping doesn’t mean we should always do it. Slow and steady, just like we’ve been doing the whole time,” she reminds him, helping him straighten out his t-shirt.</p><p>Justin nods, sighing as he pushes his towel into his bag. “I know. I just feel like I’m finally so close to being my normal self, and I want to get there so bad.”</p><p>Lainie reaches out, pushing a piece of hair off of Justin’s forehead. “And you will. I know it’s harder to manage expectations now, especially since we’re so close, but we can’t just rush through recovery now. We still need to take it one step at a time,” she reminds him. “For now, are you ready to go get some dinner?”</p><p>“Actually, yeah. I’m really hungry,” Justin says with a smile, grabbing his things and following everyone back to the car.</p><p>Matt falls into step beside his wife, Clay and Justin walking ahead of them. Lainie can’t help but smile, grabbing her husband’s hand and squeezing. “They’re thriving, Matt,” she whispers, the excitement laced through her words. “After months of wondering if we would ever see even a glimpse of the old them, it’s like we’re finally getting back there. They’re happy, they’re both talking in therapy, and Justin is getting stronger with each day. What more could we have asked for in time for the holidays?”</p><p>Matt digs his keys from his pocket, unlocking the car for the boys. “This is everything we could’ve ever asked for. And I know we still have a long way to go, but it’s exciting to be able to celebrate big milestones for the first time in a long time,” he agrees. “Let’s go and celebrate for the first time in a long time.</p><p>
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</p><p>With the excitement of Justin returning to school and getting stronger with therapy, it would’ve been easy for all of them to forget about Seth’s looming trial date, pushing it to the back of their mind without a second thought.</p><p>But for Lainie, it was a constant nagging in her brain. She thought about different outcomes, worked on how she’d get her family through the verdicts depending on what they were, and prayed that the only one they ever had to worry about was Seth being convicted and put away for all seven years.</p><p>There were times she hoped her boys had forgotten about the trial, watching them laugh and joke with each other, or Clay help Justin through a particularly bad afternoon when he returned after school. Matt only asked if there had been any updates from the courts from time to time, his unwavering and steady demeanor a source of comfort for her.</p><p>But even then, even with the sparse questions and her boys slowly returning to be more like themselves, the trial was always looming in the back of their minds. Justin would ask questions about proceedings and how much he would be able to watch. Matt would go in depth with proceedings and what the trial would be like on occasion, desperate to understand everything to be able to support his family.</p><p>Clay waits until Justin is asleep in the outhouse, sticking a note on his bedside table and walking back into the house with his laptop. “The trial is next week, and I want to finish my victim impact statement.”</p><p>Matt looks up from where he had been spending his Saturday reading, bookmarking his place and joining his son at the kitchen table. “Let’s finish it then,” he agrees, glancing at his wife before turning back to Clay.</p><p>Lainie listens to Matt and Clay talk quietly at the table, typing and retyping passages and reading it out loud. Lainie’s heard countless victim impact statements in the past, many to varying success, but as she listens to Clay’s, she can’t help but be biased at how great it is.</p><p>She had been the one that wanted to say not to let Clay speak at the trial. When faced with the question, Lainie had been sleep deprived and worried about Justin. The mere thought of Clay’s mental health going through something as strenuous as reading a victim impact statement with Seth in the room was enough to set her over the edge, insisting that the courts didn’t need the impact statement to make their decision.</p><p>It was Matt who encouraged her to allow Clay to do this. It was Matt who encouraged Lainie to let Clay read a statement on behalf of him and Justin, gently reminding her that this was Clay’s way of directly helping without becoming too involved like he promised Justin he wouldn’t.</p><p>The statement took them weeks to write, involving Justin minimally as he nodded and shook his head at information Clay was planning to include. Lainie read it over, giving them tips on what to include and what to remove, and as they got closer to the date, she helped them finalize and ensure it was cohesive and perfect for the courts.</p><p>With Clay declaring the statement finished, Lainie reads it one final time. “I think this is excellent, honey. It’s going to be impactful in court when you read it,” she smiles. “Do you want Justin to read it when he wakes up?”</p><p>“I guess so, yeah,” he nods, closing his laptop and setting it on the table. “Do you think he’ll like it?”</p><p>“I think he’ll love it,” she smiles. “He’s so grateful you’re doing this, you know that, right?”</p><p>Clay nods, falling into the chair across from him. “I just wish he could read it for himself, you know? I know how important this was to him.”</p><p>Smiling sadly, Lainie nods. “I know, sweetheart. I wish he could read his own statement as well, but you’re more than making up for that. You’re making sure his voice is heard, you’re talking about what the two of you have been through, and that will mean more than anything else.”</p><p>Clay nods, disappearing back to the outhouse, and when he and Justin return, they sit at the kitchen table reading Clay’s impact statement while Matt cooks dinner, Lainie can’t help but get emotional as Justin holds back the tears.</p><p>“This is the best, Clay,” he says, his voice shaking as he shuts the lid of the laptop. “Thank you for doing this for us.”</p><p>Clay ducks his head, his cheeks flushing. “You know I’d do this whenever you needed it.”</p><p>“I know,” Justin nods, leaning back in his chair. “But I’m grateful that you wanted to even relive that day at all.”</p><p>Clay nods. “I’d like to forget about it after this trial, but I know it’ll always be with us.”</p><p>Shrugging, Justin nods. “But we’ll learn to live with it. It’ll be fine,” he promises, and for the moment, Clay agrees.</p><p>Lainie knows the following weeks won’t be easy. She and Matt have prepared extensively to get their boys through this. But watching them tonight, listening to their quiet conversations and reassurances to each other that they would always be able to make it through this, Lainie knows her family will be okay.</p><p>All of them will make it through this.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i can't believer we're already at the end of this fic! thank you guys for reading and commenting :)</p><p>next week is Seth's trial and wrapping up the loose ends.</p><p>see you next Friday!</p><p>title of the chapter is from Another Story by Wallows :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. we both dream the same</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Seth's trial, and the family gets away to begin a new chapter.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lainie had prepared for trials hundreds of times. She had laid out depositions, counter-questioned witnesses, and recommended sentencing to judges.</p>
<p>It’s different when the case directly impacts her family. It’s different when she’s not the lawyer, and the observing is because her son was almost killed by the defendant. It left her feeling like she was wading in the ocean, uncertain of which way to turn or how to approach moving everyone back to safer ground.</p>
<p>Lainie savors her early mornings on the weekends with Matt. The two wake up far earlier than the boys, pouring coffee and sitting in the sunroom reading or talking quietly, starting their day with the slow ease Lainie grew to miss when they were in the thick of Justin’s recovery.</p>
<p>This morning, Lainie knows she needs to bite the bullet and discuss the logistics of the trial with her husband, namely how they were going to handle Justin and Clay attending the trial. She had been dreading it, putting it off so many times, and knows she’s never going to feel ready.</p>
<p>“With the trial next week, I think we need to seriously start thinking about who we want to handle attending.”</p>
<p>Matt sets his coffee mug down on the table beside him, bookmarking his place in his book. “I assume that we’ll both be there every day of the trial,” he begins. “But judging how Justin handled Amber’s trial, I don't think we’d be doing the right thing if we had him come to any part of the trial except for Clay’s statement and sentencing.”</p>
<p>“Clay did fine with Amber’s trial, but he’s far more emotionally attached to Seth’s trial than he was hers,” Lainie sighs. “I don’t think it’s wise to have him attend any part of the trial, except for the obvious moment he’ll have to read his impact statement, and of course, sentencing.”</p>
<p>Matt agrees quietly, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth. “How do we phrase this to the boys? How do we make them understand that we think this the right move to protect their mental health?”</p>
<p>Lainie pulls her mug between her hands, curling her feet beneath her. “Justin will be easier to convince than Clay. I don’t think Justin wants any part of sitting through a trial for a man who’s hurt him so many times,” she says. “But Clay is probably going to want to be invested in this trial, and we need to make sure we manage that. We can recap the days at court for them, giving as much information as we feel is appropriate, and allow them to come to sentencing.”</p>
<p>“I think that’s fair,” Matt nods. “How long do you think it’ll take before they’re mad and think we’re hiding things?” he asks with a smile.</p>
<p>Lainie hides her own grin behind her coffee, shaking her head. “I’m hoping they understand that we’re doing this for their own mental health. That we’re managing it this way because it means that they are protected and safe, and they don’t have to see that man that hurt them in more ways than I ever want to think about.”</p>
<p>Nodding, Matt reaches for his coffee. “We will make it through this trial, and at the end, we spend a long weekend in a house by the ocean and begin healing.”</p>
<p>Lainie feels the warm sun filter through the window panes, leaning back and taking a deep breath. “That’s the perfect start to our next chapter.”</p>
<p>
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<p>“We’d like to talk about the upcoming trial and how we think it’s best to proceed,” Lainie announces as they finish dinner, refilling her glass of wine and setting Justin’s medication in front of him. “Obviously, it’s going to be a long few days for all of us.”</p>
<p>Justin reaches for his water, sighing. “I don’t want to be there,” he announces. “I did horrible with my mom’s trial, and I hate Seth, so I know I wouldn’t do well there.”</p>
<p>Lainie tries to mask her relief. “We agree that it’s not best for you to be there, but Clay, we also don’t think it’s beneficial for you to be there either,” she says, looking at Clay. “We think it’s in both of your best interests to not attend the trial, and instead only come to listen to Clay’s statement and the sentencing, if that’s something you’d like to hear.”</p>
<p>Matt sets his fork down. “Your mom and I will attend every day of the trial, and if you’d like, we can tell you what happens each day.”</p>
<p>“I’ll obviously go to hear Clay, and I think maybe I want to go to the sentencing, but I don’t want to make a decision yet,” Justin announces.</p>
<p>“Okay, you don’t have to,” Lainie assures him. “Would it be helpful to have the recaps each day?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Justin nods, looking at Clay. “If Clay agrees.”</p>
<p>Clay looks up, nodding. “Yeah, I think recaps would help, and I only want to go to whatever Justin goes to. I don’t… I’m not sure I can do this without him.”</p>
<p>Lainie chews on the inside of her cheek, nodding. “Okay, that’s okay,” she nods, but she thinks both boys hear her voice shake as she thinks about everything Seth stole from them. “Your dad and I will attend every day and recap what happened for you guys. We’ll keep the information pretty light, and if you’d like to know more, we can answer any questions. Does that seem fair?”</p>
<p>Both boys nod, and Clay stands to clean both his and Justin’s plates. “How long will this trial be?”</p>
<p>“It will probably last the week,” Lainie says. “When Justin is home, one of us will leave court to be here with him. We won’t talk about court until you’re both together and we’re all home.”</p>
<p>“I don’t want to hear anything without Clay there, anyway,” Justin says. He taps his fingers against the table, sighing. “Actually, before we talk about anything each night, can you ask if I’m up for it?”</p>
<p>“Always, buddy,” Matt nods. “No discussing until everyone is there, and before we begin, we ask if everyone feels like they’re in the right frame of mind to hear updates.”</p>
<p>Justin stares at the table. “If I’m not up for hearing information but Clay is, I want you to tell him.”</p>
<p>“Same with me,” Clay nods. “If I’m not up to hearing about it, but Justin is, you can tell him separately.”</p>
<p>Matt and Lainie both nod, taking a breath. “We will plan for you both to come to Clay’s statement reading and sentencing. The rest we will attend,” Matt says, ironing out the details. When the boys agree, Matt leans back. “Okay, Justin, you need to finish your math homework, and it’s Clay’s night for dishes,” he says, ushering them into a new task in hopes it helps ease them away from the anxiety.</p>
<p>Lainie takes her time helping clear the table as Matt and Justin work in the dining room, feeling both anxious and mildly comforted that they’re in a good place with the upcoming trial.</p>
<p>
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</p>
<p>There are some moments where Matt feels like he’s back at square one with Justin. Moments where no matter what he does, it’s obvious that Justin is nervous and uncomfortable and would rather have Lainie or Clay with him.</p>
<p>Matt’s never taken it personally. He understands that Justin comes from a lifetime of abuse from men, and it’d be silly of him to expect Justin to just blindly trust him after 16 years of never being able to trust anyone. He approaches each situation with care and consideration, and on days where Lainie is at work and Justin is at school, there are times where he allows the time to slip by and let Justin watch a movie or hang out by himself if it makes him feel better.</p>
<p>Usually he doesn’t have a map of why it happens. There’s no timetable for when Justin will always feel comfortable around him, and each day feels similar to the first day of having Justin in their care. And while Matt never expected answers as to why Justin was having a difficult time, he’d be lying if he said he didn’t wish he’d know what upset Justin so they could work through it.</p>
<p>This time, Matt knows that his anxiety is centered around the trial. He knows that Justin is on edge and wary of him because a man who inflicted so much abuse and nearly killed him is finally in a position to be punished by the law, and Justin is afraid he’ll get away with a slap on the wrist like he has so many times before.</p>
<p>Their plans of working on Justin’s English paper that Sunday morning were slipping away with each passing moment, Justin’s inability to focus and bouncing leg enough to let Matt know that no work was going to be done that day.</p>
<p>“Why don’t you text Clay and tell him to come downstairs,” Matt says, looking at Justin. “Mom and I have been talking about planning that long weekend away together as a family, and even though it’ll be a little chilly, we thought we’d go to the beach after the trial. Let’s use this time to find a rental.”</p>
<p>Justin looks up at him, shaking his head. “I have to finish my paper first,” he says weakly, pulling the laptop back closer to him.</p>
<p>“Buddy, I’d feel better if we took a break on the paper and did something that wasn’t so taxing,” he says gently. “I know you want to finish, but I think right now there’s a lot going on, and we all deserve to take a few hours and just do something fun. No talking about the trial or school. Just planning a trip together and spending some time as a family.”</p>
<p>Sensing the hesitation, Matt tries again. “Look, buddy, school will understand. You are close to finishing this essay, and I think it’s in our best interest to take a few hours and be a family. It is Sunday, kiddo, no one would be upset if you took the day off of school.”</p>
<p>Matt watches Justin wrestle with the proposal, and then grab his phone and text Clay. “He said he’s coming,” he says quietly, sinking back in the chair. “I’m sorry I’m so anxious. I don’t - I’m not sure why I feel like this.”</p>
<p>“Justin, this is a big week, and I know you’re worried about how it’s going to play out,” he says with a smile. “I’d be more worried if you were totally fine right now.”</p>
<p>Hiding his smile, Justin moves the laptop for Clay to be able to see when he sits beside him, and Matt calls Lainie in so they can go through together.</p>
<p>“We can walk on the beach, of course, but your dad and I figured this would be a long weekend getaway, and we could go to the beach for a longer period of time in the summer when it’s warmer,” Lainie explains. “For now, let’s find a quiet place where we can get away and be a family with no other distractions. No work, no school, just the four of us.”</p>
<p>Justin and Clay spend most of the time looking through homes, filtering their search to be near the beach with a hot tub, and Matt and Lainie gently steer them away from the expensive places and looking at more modest places. It occupies them for hours, light bickering on if they’d want to share a room on vacation as well, but it dissipates the anxiety in the room and gives Matt and Lainie some peace to know that both of them are doing okay.</p>
<p>When they finally decide on a house overlooking the ocean with a hot tub, Matt can practically feel them there. He dreams about the lazy days, quiet and serene, a beginning point for his family to begin fully moving forward following the trial.</p>
<p>It’s all he could hope for.</p>
<p>
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</p>
<p>The courthouse is bustling on Monday morning, people floating in and out for their own court dates or jury duty responsibilities. Lainie knew their case was going to garner some media attention, and as the few reporters stood on the front step of the courthouse, she resisted the urge to ask them to leave and give their family the privacy they deserved as the trial began.</p>
<p>She and Matt say hello to the lawyers and speak quietly in the halls before the doors open, when they slide in and sit in the back of the courtroom, nervous energy flowing through them. Lainie almost wishes she could get up and walk out, becoming blissfully unaware of the trial and what it will entail.</p>
<p>But she owes it to Justin, who’s spent the last few months recovering from the attack that’s currently on trial and years before that enduring Seth’s abuse. She owes it to Clay, who has endured far more than she could ever fathom witnessing the attack and watching his brother almost die. She owes it to Matt, who has been unwavering in her support of attending all things legal for this process, and who’s helped her navigate the murky uncertainty of progressing forward in Justin’s recovery despite their worries and setbacks.</p>
<p>She owes it to herself to see the end of this trial, praying that it marks the beginning of a new phase of life for her entire family.</p>
<p>It’s just hard to put it into perspective when she sees Seth walk in between two guards, blank expression on his face as he’s directed to sit in the chair beside his attorney. Lainie hadn’t seen him since his first questioning, where he smugly admitted his motives for the attack, leaving Lainie heartbroken and short of breath.</p>
<p>Now she can’t help but look at him in anger, the once heartbroken attitude she felt replaced by wanting nothing more than to make him pay for what he has done. For how he has hurt Justin for so many years, but most importantly, how he altered his life completely with his injuries.</p>
<p>She knows it’s out of her hands, she knows it’s her motherly instincts that are wishing the worst on a man who hurt her son more than she could ever explain, but all she can do is pray that Seth is convicted to the fullest extent, giving her family a semblance of peace for the first time in months, or for Justin, maybe ever.</p>
<p>Proceedings are slow, just as she thought they would be. She and Matt spend the morning sitting together, and when Lainie leaves during the final morning recess before lunch break to get Justin from school, she kisses Matt softly and makes him promise that he’ll recap everything in detail to her.</p>
<p>Just as she and Matt prepared, their dinner is filled with questions from both Justin and Clay, who are eager to know how the first day went and what happens now.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Today was mostly just a day of setting up the case,” Matt offers, setting dinner in the center of the table. “They introduced the details about the case, discussed Justin’s injuries as a result of the attack, and laid out how Seth is tied to Justin prior to this, meaning it wasn’t a random attack. Tomorrow is when they’ll talk about the evidence they have and complete more questioning. Mom will go in the morning, and I will join her after Justin is at school for the afternoon.”</p>
<p>Justin takes a bite of his food, sighing. “So we still have to go through all of this even though Seth confessed?” he asks, pushing his noodles around his plate. “Isn’t his confession enough?”</p>
<p>“It basically seals the deal, yes,” Lainie nods. “His team decided to take their chances in front of a judge for sentencing in hopes he would lessen the deal given that he’s been in jail this entire time and has been completing a drug rehabilitation program while in there.”</p>
<p>“I thought he would admit and that was it,” Clay sighs.</p>
<p>Lainie glances at Matt. “That’s what we were all hoping, love,” she sighs. “But it didn’t quite work out that way, which means we will go through the formality of reading out the evidence for the judge so he can sentence Seth.”</p>
<p>“I don’t understand why he’s doing this,” Justin mumbles, shaking his head. “He knows he’s going to jail, is proving that he’s done rehab really worth all of this?”</p>
<p>Lainie pulls the vegetables closer to her plate. “I wouldn’t think so, no,” Lainie says. “But the courts deemed it fair to give him a chance, and there isn’t much else we can say about it.”</p>
<p>Justin picks his fork back up, pushing his food around the plate. “Do you think he has a chance of getting off easier at all?” he asks quietly, and it’s then that Lainie realizes that maybe this is too much information for them.</p>
<p>“No, sweetheart, I think he has absolutely no chance in convincing the courts that his rehab while in jail helped show him that he needs to change and deserves a lesser sentence,” she says firmly, reminding him that there’s no room for negotiation. “I don’t see this judge looking at his prior arrest record and what he did to you and thinking that a minimum rehab program in jail is now relevant.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, forcing himself to take a bite of dinner. “How many more days?”</p>
<p>“Just a few more,” she says quietly. “We hope they’ll do sentencing by the end of the week, and then we’ll leave Friday for the long weekend at the beach, okay?”</p>
<p>When Justin and Clay both nod, Lainie breathes a sigh of relief. “We will let you know how tomorrow goes, and whatever you two don’t see the next day. Both of you can miss school on the day Clay reads his statement.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Justin nods. “Can we watch a movie tonight as a family?”</p>
<p>Matt smiles, reaching for his napkin. “That sounds good. Let’s do it after we clean up,” he smiles, allowing the conversation to shift to what happened in school for both of them and what assignments they’ll be working on.</p>
<p>
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</p>
<p>As they sit at dinner after the second day of the trial, Lainie feels a little more hopeful now that they’re beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. As difficult as the first day was seeing Seth and reliving what happened as the attorneys laid it out, Lainie felt a sense of gratification listening to where they began this journey with Justin’s injuries, to where they are now.</p>
<p>She hands Justin the dishes to set the table, giving him something to occupy his time as Clay carries over the heavier dishes of food. Setting each place, Justin looks at Lainie, questions right on the brim of being asked.</p>
<p>“Let’s sit down first, and then we will talk about what happened today at court,” she says with a smile, kissing his cheek as she walks around him and sets out their drinks.</p>
<p>She’s barely in her seat before the questions come flying, both boys wanting to know what was talked about as they prepare to attend court in the morning.</p>
<p>“Today they touched on Justin’s injuries, detailing what was in his medical file and his hospital stay,” she begins, passing the vegetables to Justin. “Every doctor or surgeon assigned to you in the hospital wrote short statements that were read by Marcus. Dr. Jacob wrote a short statement about how your recovery has been post-discharge. Everything they spoke about is what you consented to when you allowed your files to be sent, and Dr. Jacob only mentioned that you have been recovering on track, with only a few minor setbacks.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, pushing his vegetables around his plate. “Okay, so now the judge knows how bad the injuries were. That will help, right?”</p>
<p>Matt looks at Lainie, waiting to see her silent agreement, and sighs. “Justin, buddy, Seth’s team tried to claim that your brain injury could've been more severe because of the fact that you are a recovering addict,” he says, watching both boys snap their heads up, eyes wide. “It was immediately refuted in Dr. Noel’s statement, which assured the judge that your injuries were directly attributed to the trauma during the attack, and had nothing to do with you using in the past.”</p>
<p>“We said we were going to be honest with the two of you, and this is us being open about what happened today. We don’t want this to potentially come up at sentencing you two be blindsided,” Lainie explains. “This was solved in a matter of minutes, and there’s no room for negotiation for his team. Dr. Noel is considered the expert on the situation because he’s your neurologist and he has been supervising your recovery from the minute you arrived at the emergency room. They cannot refute facts given by your doctor who has been with you since the beginning.”</p>
<p>Clay stares at Justin, who stares at his plate. “Do you promise?” he asks quietly, a question that Lainie has grown accustomed to him asking in difficult situations, yet one that breaks her heart every single time.</p>
<p>Reaching over to rest her hand on his, Lainie nods. “I promise,” she whispers, squeezing gently.<br/>“I promise you that their lame attempts to shift the blame are going to be dismissed because they are, frankly, untrue, and your doctors proved that. I promise you that any argument Seth has is weak and can be refuted by your CPS file with the two accounts they have attributed to Seth, and your doctor’s statements,” she continues, her voice firm.</p>
<p>Justin nods, sets his fork down, and leans back. “What happens tomorrow?”</p>
<p>Lainie doesn’t let go of his hand. “Tomorrow you will both come to court with us, Clay will read his impact statement, and they will do sentencing in the afternoon. Then this is all over, and we will be able to put this behind us.”</p>
<p>“So we won’t go to school?” he asks. “I think you said no, right?”</p>
<p>“Right,” she nods. “You and Clay will stay home all day tomorrow, and as long as you feel okay, we’ll stay at the courthouse the entire time. If you don’t want to hear sentencing or you need a breather, we can step outside or come home, okay? There is no one forcing us to be there for any of this.”</p>
<p>Clay waits a moment to make sure Justin isn’t going to ask a question, and then speaks. “Do you want to watch a movie, or play a game or something?” he asks, a lame attempt at distracting him.</p>
<p>Justin shrugs. “Yeah, sure, we can do whatever,” he mumbles.</p>
<p>“After you both finish dinner,” Matt says, looking at both of their plates. “Justin, you need food to take your medication. It can be the bare minimum, but it has to be something.”</p>
<p>Nodding, Justin pulls his hand from Lainie’s and finishes the rest of his plate.</p>
<p>Lainie waits until they’re both in the sunroom with a board game before leaning against Matt, resting her head in his chest. “This is going to be so hard.”</p>
<p>“It’s the last hard thing we have to do,” Matt whispers, rubbing her back slowly. “We get them through tomorrow, and we spend the weekend with just the four of us by the ocean. The perfect place to start healing.”</p>
<p>All Lainie can do is nod, finding comfort in her husband’s embrace and calming, confident demeanor that this would all be okay.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>When the Jensens arrive at the courthouse the following morning, they’re not expecting to find their entire friend group standing in the hallway outside the courtroom.</p>
<p>Lainie leans against Matt’s side as Justin walks forward and hugs Jess and Clay greets their friends, his speech firmly tucked into his pocket.</p>
<p>“We hope we’re not overstepping, but we wanted to be here to support you as you read your statement,” Ani says with a smile. “We don’t plan on staying for the sentencing, we think that should be kept private for you guys.”</p>
<p>Clay nods. “I’m glad you guys are here. Thank you so much for coming. I hope you know how much it means to both of us to have you here.”</p>
<p>Tony hits Clay’s arm gently with encouragement, and after a few minutes of saying hello and talking, Matt and Lainie usher the boys into the courtroom, their friends following behind.</p>
<p>They pile into the back two rows, quiet conversation flowing through them until they begin the proceedings. The boys sit beside each other, knees knocking together and anxiety flowing through both of them. Matt sits beside Justin, turning his hand over when he watches Justin duck his head as Seth is let in, surprised but comforted when Justin takes it.</p>
<p>“You need to let us know if you need a break,” he murmurs, just loud enough for Justin to hear. “We are free to leave whenever you need it.”</p>
<p>Justin nods quickly, taking a deep breath and pulling his hand away. “Wanna stay for Clay,” he mumbles.</p>
<p>Matt nods, looking over Justin to Clay, who’s remained still and stoic, his emotions all but gone from his face. Matt can’t help but be concerned, sharing a glance with Lainie, who shakes her head.</p>
<p>If this was how the boys wanted to cope through this portion of the trial, they could work with it and discuss it in family therapy the following week, keeping the discussion lines open in the meantime.</p>
<p>The judge works through the first few proceedings, and then calls Clay to the stand, giving him a minute to compose himself.</p>
<p>Justin lifts his head and smiles at Clay, squeezing his hand. “You got this, okay? Just stare at the judge, read, and then come back,” Justin says, smiling when Clay nods and stands up, taking a breath and walking to the front of the courtroom.</p>
<p>“My name is Clay Jensen, and I was one of the victims affected by the attack of Seth Massey. Today I am speaking on behalf of myself and my brother, Justin Foley, who was severely injured in this incident,” he begins, smoothing out his paper and looking up at the judge. “Justin and I walked to school that morning, and on the way home, our lives were changed. Seth Massey attacked Justin from behind, throwing him to the ground and stabbing him three times. Thankfully, all of the stab wounds were lucky enough to just miss major organs or arteries.”</p>
<p>“While Justin was left with many injuries, including a brain injury that has altered his life, and was forced to undergo a major surgery, it’s also affected every single day since the accident for not only him, but for myself as well. As a witness of the attack, I stood helplessly as my brother was attacked, managing to get Seth off of him and hold a towel someone else brought out to us to control the bleeding until help arrived. I remember talking to him, willing him to keep his eyes open and keep breathing. I was afraid that I was going to watch my brother die in front of me. I remember the medics moving me away, the police promising me that Justin was in good hands, and watching as they loaded Justin into the ambulance wondering if that was the last time I would see him alive.”</p>
<p>Clay blows out a breath, shuffling his papers with shaky fingers. “This attack has been long over in the eyes of Seth Massey, but Justin and I, as well as our parents, live through the attack each day. Justin is slowly returning to school, but remains in intense physical therapy to continue to build back his stamina and muscles that he’s lost over the last few months. We are both in regular therapy, and attend family therapy to talk through what’s happened and how we continue to move forward. But the reality is, we will never move forward from this attack. We will never be the same people we were before this happened. Justin will have lingering injuries and has had to alter his life because of what he went through. He’s left with permanent scars that will serve as a constant reminder of that day, of these moments, of everything he’s had to endure since then.”</p>
<p>Shifting on his feet, Clay looks up. “Over the last few months, Justin lost his entire senior football season. He lost the ability to go to school, hang out with our friends, or have a normal senior year that everyone else gets to have. Instead of being able to do all of that, Justin was left needing more help than he’s ever needed before, had to relearn school subjects and account for extra time when it comes to completing his work. We will no longer walk to and from school, instead driving back and forth. Our days center around therapy and physical therapy, schoolwork and managing pain at home.”</p>
<p>“We don’t know what the future looks like. We don’t know when Justin will gain full independence again, or when he’ll feel comfortable or have the ability to be in school full-time. While our family is just happy Justin is alive and we are able to give him all the help he needs, this shouldn’t have happened at all. Justin should have never had to worry about a man from his past hurting him, especially long after Justin had left his care.”</p>
<p>Clay stands up straighter. “I’m not asking you to give Seth Massey a specific punishment, but I hope that you hear what has happened and how our family has been permanently changed by this attack, and you understand that a punishment is needed. Seth needs to be held responsible for the actions that have drastically changed a 17 year old’s life. Thank you for your time.”</p>
<p>Stepping back, Clay walks back to his family as the judge calls for a brief recess, reaching out to help Justin stand and walk outside. Justin waits until they’re in their own corner, hugging Clay. “I’m proud of you, you know. You told how I’ve been doing so perfectly,” he mumbles, letting go and smiling. “You did it, Clay. It’s over now, and now we just have to wait for sentencing.”</p>
<p>“We are so proud of you, sweetheart. You did amazing,” Lainie smiles, hugging him before stepping aside to allow Matt to hug him as well. “This recess should be pretty short, and then we’ll move onto sentencing. Do either of you need to step out?”</p>
<p>Clay shakes his head, looking at Justin. “If Justin’s okay, we’re going to go see our friends.”</p>
<p>“I’m fine,” Justin says quickly, and before Matt can address Justin’s anxiety both boys are walking to their friends to talk to them before they leave.</p>
<p>Matt watches, sitting down on a bench and encouraging Lainie to join him, and presses a kiss to her temple. “This wasn’t an easy time to get here,” he mumbles, watching their boys smile with their friends, their happy conversation echoing off the walls. “I know we’re not out of the woods yet, that both of them still have increased anxiety, but getting that statement read feels like a huge hurdle,” he says quietly.</p>
<p>Lainie leans against his side, nodding. “It does,” she agrees quietly, holding her purse on her lap. “I’m worried that maybe sentencing won’t go in the direction we hope, but we can get them through this, and I feel confident about that,” she whispers.</p>
<p>“We can do this,” Matt echoes, and as they call everyone back in and Justin and Clay say goodbye to their friends, Matt ushers his family into the back row of the courtroom in case they need to step out.</p>
<p>The judge arrives, sitting down and shuffling his papers. “Beginning with the possession of illegal substances charges, given that this is not Mr. Massey’s first run-in with the law on these charges, and previous punishments clearly did not work, I order Seth Massey to state prison for two years,” he begins, peering over his glasses. “After listening to the testimonies, victim statements, and indisputable evidence over the last few days in the attack against Justin Foley, it has become evident to me that Seth Massey is a man who is deeply troubled and has shown no remorse for his actions. Given this, I am sentencing Seth Massey to four years, the maximum allowable sentence, for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. His time previously served, along with his rehabilitation program, will not count towards this total six year sentence.”</p>
<p>He bangs his gavel and stands, and when Matt turns, he finds Lainie openly weeping, Clay breathing a sigh of relief, and Justin ducking his head.</p>
<p>“You okay, kiddo?” Matt asks quietly. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Seth cuffed and led back through a back door. “Need some air?”</p>
<p>Nodding, Justin allows Matt to help him up and outside, bypassing Clay and Lainie, who take their time leaving the courtroom, talking to a lawyer and their friend group.</p>
<p>Matt leads Justin down the steps to a bench, helping him sit down. “I know it’s easy to hide away right now, kiddo, but I need you to tell me what you need,” he says gently, quiet enough that just Justin can hear him. “Are you okay?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Justin nods, looking up. “I didn’t… I’m just overwhelmed. He’s going to jail for six years. I didn’t think he would get anything, let alone almost the entire sentence.”</p>
<p>Matt smiles, relief washing over him when he realizes Justin is okay. “It’s a big deal, huh?” he smiles. “He got the full sentence for what he did to you. He’s going to be in jail for a long time, Justin.”</p>
<p>Matt waits for the question on if he promises, but instead, Justin lifts his head, smiles, and nods. “I know,” he says, and then smiles brightly when Clay and Lainie join them.</p>
<p>Lainie walks over, sitting down beside Justin and hugs him. “This was a great day, wasn’t it? Seth is finally punished for what he’s done.”</p>
<p>Justin smiles, leaning into her embrace. People walk by, smiling, and reluctantly, Justin pulls away. “Thank you for helping make this happen. Can we - is Marcus still here?”</p>
<p>“He is,” Lainie nods, smoothing her hand over Justin’s shoulder. “He’ll be out in a minute, he just needs to wrap a few things up. Do you want to wait to see him?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Justin says, leaning back against the bench and taking a breath. “I didn’t think this would actually happen.”</p>
<p>Lainie smiles, reaching for Matt’s hand. “I know, love. But it’s all over now, Seth is going to jail for a long time, and we don’t have to worry about trial dates or writing statements or anything else that has to do with making sure Seth is punished.”</p>
<p>The smile on Justin’s face gets wider, but before he can answer, Marcus walks up to all of them, shaking their hands. “I’m sorry that we didn’t get the full sentence for the drug charges,” he apologizes, his smile faltering slightly.</p>
<p>Justin furrows his eyebrow, shaking his head. “What? No, I… you got the full sentence for what he did to me. That’s what I cared about,” he says. “Thank you for all you did for me. For us. I know it probably wasn’t always easy.”</p>
<p>“Circumstances aside, this was probably one of my favorite cases to work on,” he admits. “It always feels good to get justice for something that should have never happened in the first place.”</p>
<p>Justin pushes to stand, holding his hand out and shaking Marcus’. “I can’t tell you how relieved I am that he’s finally getting the punishment he’s deserved for years.”</p>
<p>Marcus smiles. “While I’m glad I could help in this case, respectfully, I hope I never see you again under these circumstances,” he laughs. “I hope any interaction moving forward is strictly personal, and never for a case.”</p>
<p>“Me too,” Justin agrees, giving Matt and Lainie a moment to talk to Marcus. He and Clay walk down the sidewalk, stopping and leaning against a retaining wall.</p>
<p>“You okay?” Clay asks after a brief moment of silence, shoving his hands into his pockets. “I know it was probably a lot for you in there.”</p>
<p>Justin sighs. “I didn’t think I would get like that after they read his sentencing. I don’t know how to explain it. It felt like I was panicking.”</p>
<p>“It sucks that you were surprised about him getting sentenced to all four years for what he did to you,” Clay says quietly. “But are you okay now? You feel okay?”</p>
<p>“I feel better than I have in months,” Justin admits with a smile. “I didn’t… it feels like relief, knowing that at least this part is behind us. And it wouldn't have happened with you.”</p>
<p>Clay ducks his head, his cheeks flushing. “I don’t think my statement made that much of a difference.”</p>
<p>Justin shakes his head, nudging his shoulder against Clay’s. “Are you kidding? Your statement made all the difference,” he argues. “Your statement said exactly everything I’ve been going through, it talked about how he’s changed our lives forever, and how we aren't going to move forward as quickly as he can. It was perfect, Clay, and I’m so glad that you did that for me.”</p>
<p>“It felt like the least I could do,” Clay says, glancing at their parents. “If you couldn’t do it, I wanted to be the one to help you. I’m just glad you liked it.”</p>
<p>Justin laughs, shaking his head. “I owe you, big time. You helped more than you realize, Clay, I hope you know that. I hope you know that I really am grateful.”</p>
<p>“I do,” Clay says, brushing his fingers off beside his legs. “I love you. You don’t owe me, I’d do anything for you.”</p>
<p>“I love you, too,” Justin smiles. “I’d do anything for you, too.”</p>
<p>Clay rolls his eyes, laughing, and Lainie comes to stand in front of them.</p>
<p>“It’s been a long morning, but if you two are feeling up for it, we thought maybe we could go for a quick lunch?”</p>
<p>Clay nods, looking at Justin. “You feel okay to stay out a little longer?”</p>
<p>Justin stands up, smoothing out his dress shirt carefully, and smiles. “Yeah, I do,” he nods, and for once, Lainie doesn’t worry that he’s hiding his pain.</p>
<p>She thinks this is genuine, the smile on his face and the relief lifted off of his shoulders clearly contributing.</p>
<p>As they walk back to the car, both boys walking in front of her and Matt, she feels hope for the first time in months.</p>
<p>Hope that this is when her family truly gets the space and time to heal. The burden is lifted, and while they still have a lot to process and work through both physically and mentally, it feels as though they’re all walking a little lighter.</p>
<p>All she can do is be grateful that they were all able to be there together today and given the ability to celebrate the start of a new chapter.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>The rental house they chose was two hours away from their house, something they didn’t take into account when booking. The normally quick trip took almost twice as long, Justin needed to stop to stretch or readjust, gritting his teeth and shaking his head when Lainie would ask him if he needed more time.</p>
<p>“Just want to get there,” he mumbled, reluctantly accepting Clay’s help to pile two pillows and sweatshirts around him and readjust so he was comfortable, Matt going as quickly as he could within reason.</p>
<p>When they arrived, he passed out stretched out on the sofa overlooking the ocean, Lainie opening the door to the deck to allow the crashing of the waves to lull him to sleep.</p>
<p>It wasn’t the ideal start to the vacation, and served as a stark reminder that despite the good news from the trial, they were a long ways away from being back to normal.</p>
<p>But the time away gave them the excuse to slow down and just focus on each other. They all spent lazy mornings in bed, picture windows giving them views of the calm ocean, the beach quiet throughout the cold winter months.</p>
<p>When the boys finally woke up, dragging themselves through the house from the room they decided to share, Matt made them a big breakfast and was pleasantly surprised to see them eat more than normal.</p>
<p>“I thought it’d be fun to go walk on the beach if you’re feeling up for it,” Lainie says with a smile, sitting down in a wicker chair behind the kitchen table. “Or we can stay here and hang out, maybe go in the hot tub.”</p>
<p>“I want to walk to the beach,” Justin says before Clay has a chance to answer, taking another bite of his pancake. “I haven’t really been to the beach before, at least one like this.”</p>
<p>Lainie smiles. “Okay, we can go down,” she nods. “It might be a little cold, so we’ll bundle up. Clay, are you joining us?”</p>
<p>Clay shrugs, reaching for the syrup. “Yeah, sure,” he nods. “Then we can come back and go in the hot tub.”</p>
<p>Justin nods, finishing as much as he can before standing and going to get ready.</p>
<p>Clay takes his time, looking between both of his parents. “He’s needed this,” he says, putting his plate in the sink. “He’s being forced to slow down, and we all know he needed that.”</p>
<p>“We all needed to slow down,” Lainie smiles. “This is the best place to do it. We’ll take it easy and slow, and if we’d rather lay around here and do nothing, then that’s what we’ll do.”</p>
<p>Smiling, Clay washes his hands and disappears down the hall, going to get ready.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>The beach is quiet, the waves crashing lightly against the sand as they walk slowly. Justin points to seashells and Clay dutifully picks up each one Justin decides he wants to keep, pocketing them in a plastic bag Lainie brought with her.</p>
<p>They stop for a minute to take a break, and Lainie holds her breath as Justin slowly sits down in the cool sand, digging his fingers down and grabbing a fistful, letting it sift between his fingers. She tries not to worry about how they’re going to get Justin up from the ground, and instead sits beside him, watching Matt and Clay continue to walk around them, picking up new shells.</p>
<p>“I’ve always found the beach peaceful,” she says quietly, leaning back on her hands. “Of course, it’ll be better in the summer. But it’s nice right now with no one around and the place to ourselves.”</p>
<p>Justin’s quiet for a moment, leaning back on his hands carefully. “I’ve only been to the little beaches down by the bay in Evergreen,” he replies, voice quiet. “Bryce used to tell me I should come to his beach house with him, but that always felt too far. I already felt out of place when I was at his normal house, I didn’t want to feel worse tagging along somewhere else.”</p>
<p>“Let’s make it a priority to come here this summer, then,” Lainie smiles. “Before you two leave for college, we’ll spend a week at the ocean when it’s warm and you can swim.”</p>
<p>Justin smiles, nodding. He watches the sand drift through his fingers again, sighing. “Is it weird how much better I feel now that the trial is behind us?” she asks. “I know I still have a long way to go with recovery, and I probably won’t be allowed back in school all day until at least January or February, but it’s like we’ve gotten past the hardest part. My mom is getting help, Seth is in jail, and everything sort of feels okay.”</p>
<p>Beside him, Lainie smiles. “You know, I feel the same way,” she smiles. “Your recovery has always been the most important thing, but it does sort of feel like a weight has been lifted, huh? Our minds no longer have to juggle what you and your brother can handle, or the little details of the trial. We can focus completely on your recovery and working up to getting back to school full time, and even though we’re not at the end, this feels like a very big step.”</p>
<p>Justin nods. Together they sit and watch the water lap at the shore, Clay and Matt laughing as they search for shells, and Justin takes a breath of the sea air, relaxing. “I wouldn’t have survived in anyone else’s care,” he says quietly, staring out into the cloudy, overcast skies. “You have been more than I could’ve ever asked for. All of you have been, really.”</p>
<p>Lainie stays quiet until she feels confident she won’t cry, smiling at him. “I love you more than anything, sweetheart. If I could take all this hurt and healing away from you, I would in a heartbeat. But since I can’t, I will always be here for you, whenever you need it, okay? Even long after this, when this is just a distant memory.”</p>
<p>Justin smiles, nodding. “I know,” he mumbles, looking at her. “I love you.”</p>
<p>Lainie can’t hide the tears now, brushing her hand off on her leggings and cupping his cheek in her hand. “I love you, too,” she whispers. “I am so proud to be your mother.”</p>
<p>Smiling, Justin leans his head against her shoulder and laughs as Clay and Matt race to find more shells.</p>
<p>When they decide it’s time to go back and go in the hot tub, Lainie steps back and lets Matt and Clay help Justin up, the four of them taking a moment before walking back towards the stairs to their house.</p>
<p>Lainie listens to the waves crashing behind them, the seagulls flying through the grey overcast sky, and feels thankful that they were able to make it to this day.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>_______________________________</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>Long after they ate dinner and went into the nearby town for ice cream, the four of them settled in the living room to watch a movie. Leaving the screen door open, an ocean breeze filtered through the house, the ocean clearly heard in the distance.</p>
<p>Lainie grabs blankets from the basket in front of the fireplace, draping one over Justin as he laid on the sofa beside Matt, and then one over Clay, who was laying on the sofa beside her. The boys had fought over which movie to watch, finally settling on a comedy that they felt wasn’t too inappropriate to watch with their parents.</p>
<p>Lainie plays with Clay’s hair as they watched, and when she looked at Matt, he was doing the same with Justin. Justin’s eyes opened and closed heavily, and Clay didn’t even bother to fight the exhaustion, Lainie’s fingers massaging his scalp until his breathing evens out.</p>
<p>If Lainie could freeze time to an exact moment, she thinks it’d be this one. The peace that had fallen over her family in the aftermath of the trial is one she never wants to forget.</p>
<p>Right here, right now, she feels comforted knowing that the man who altered their life is in jail for the full sentence he could’ve received. Justin is comforted with the thought of knowing that he’s safe, that Seth didn’t get away with it, and Clay is relieved that they can begin to put them all behind them.</p>
<p>As she listens to the crashing of the waves outside the window, the movie playing quietly in front of them, Lainie feels a peace she hasn’t known in years.</p>
<p>She feels grateful that her sons are here, alive and healthy and working through everything that’s happened. She’s grateful that she has Matt for a husband, who's been steady and as easygoing as they come, allowing her to work through the difficult moments as she needs.</p>
<p>She doesn’t know how they got through the last few months, or where they go from here. But she does know that no matter what happens, they have each other.</p>
<p>Their family got through this together, held each other up when they needed it, and have begun to move forward together.</p>
<p>It’s something she’ll never take for granted again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you so much to everyone who's taken the time to read this story, as. well as leave comments or kudos! it feels like posting this has flown by, and i'm glad others enjoyed it as much as i liked writing it :)</p>
<p>i've been working on two other longer fics - one centered around Jess and Justin as adults, and one centered around Justin's first year of adoption and flashbacks to his childhood. i haven't decided which one i'm going to post next, but i'm sure i'll start posting within the next few weeks if you'd be interested in reading! i did also start writing a quicker, four chapter fic with Charlie and Alex, so i'm hoping i have time to finish and share that as well :)</p>
<p>thank you for reading! :) &lt;3</p>
<p>the title of the chapter is from Be Great by Loladre :)</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>wellll here we go! i'm so excited for you guys to read this, i hope you enjoy it!</p>
<p>updates will be once a week - on Fridays.</p>
<p>you can follow me/talk to me on tumblr <a href="https://peter-covinskys.tumblr.com/">here</a> if you want :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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